Zawaj.com's Islamic Humor Files
Top 10 Things That Converts and Immigrants Should Not Do
Let me say in advance that I know this article offers stereotypes of both convert Muslims and immigrants. But hey, it's in the humor files section! It's a joke! I have only the highest respect for both groups. If any of this offends you, I suggest you write to the website editor and complain... of course, I am the editor!
Top Ten Things that Muslim Converts Should Not Do:
1. Come to the Masjid wearing a t-shirt that features a heavy metal band, or the slogan, "Too Many Women, Too Little Time."
2. Still go by the name Chris, Christopher, Christian or Christina... come on, change it already!
3. Pronounce Allah as "AH-luh", Quran as "CORE-ann", or Muhammad as "Mo-HAM-ed."
4. When you're surprised, say, "Jeez!", or "Holy cow!"
5. Keep on believing that America is the best country in the world, and in fact American Muslims are going to "reform" Islam with "American values." (Give me a break).
6. Quote the "Honorable Elijah Muhammad" or your sufi sheikh.
7. Believe what you read in the Western press when it comes to Islam and Muslims.
8. Vote Republican
Or, on the other end of the spectrum:
9. Adopt a fake Arabic accent, brush your teeth with a miswak (wooden tooth-stick) everywhere you go and wear a turban to Baskin Robbins.
10. Get obsessed with ideological debates, arguments about madhhabi versus salafi, conspiracies about the Jews or 9-11, condemnations of the Saudis (or adoration of them), etc. Come on, none of that is what Islam is about. How about learning the salat, studying the Qur'an, reading the seerah and learning your deen?
Top Ten Things that Muslim Immigrants to the West Should Not Do:
1. Wax nostalgic about how much better life was in the old country. Let's face it, if it was that much better, you wouldn't have left.
2. Treat the Masjid like a private social club, speaking only in your own language, and ignoring the converts and anyone who is not a "real Muslim."
3. Open a liquor store called, "Ali's Liquor Mart", or "Ahmed's Liquor Emporium."
4. Refer to black people as "al-abeed" (the servants).
5. Raise your kids as total Westerners, not teaching them anything about Islam, and then when they become teenagers and start dating and drinking, bring them to the Masjid to get reformed!
6. Keep thinking that women don't belong in the Masjid.
7. Fall in love with the Western lifestyle, change your name from Mohammed to "Mo", become a wine connoisseur and host Friday night poker games at your house.
8. Divorce your Muslim spouse of 20 years and marry a non-Muslim.
9. Insist that ribaa (interest) is halal in the West because you have "no choice."
10. Vote Republican
Ok, so it wasn't totally a joke. Many of these are behavior patterns that some individuals do follow. I believe that we need to get back to the heart of our deen, and try to unlearn or avoid many of the bad cultural behaviors of both the East and the West. Furthermore, we must learn to respect one another as Muslims of equal stature, looking only at one another's character, whether we are converts or immigrants. May Allah guide us all on the straight path.