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Sex in Islam

Dealing With Premature Ejaculation

By D. Zimmer, Sexual Advisor to

In my line of work, I often get asked by people what my most frequently asked question is. This is easy -- it is by far "How do I solve my premature ejaculation problems?" This week, we will look at ways to cure this problem that plagues many men.

According to University of Chicago sociologist Edward Laumann, lead author of a comprehensive new US sex study, 31% of men and 43% of women suffer from some form of sexual dysfunction.

The study, published last year in the Journal of the American Medical Association, was based on data from the 1992 National Health and Social Life Survey, a collection of interviews with 1,749 women and 1,410 men aged 18 to 59.

One-third of men said they had recurring problems with climaxing too early, 14 percent said they had no interest in sex and 8 percent said they regularly experienced no pleasure from sex.

Women, on the other hand, were a different story. A third said they regularly didn't want sex, 26 percent said they regularly didn't reach orgasm and 23 percent said sex was not pleasurable.

Same Causes

In both sexes, these problems were attributed to emotional and stress problems including poor health, poor quality of life and prior traumatic sexual experiences.

Although premature ejaculation is the most common sexual dysfunction, it is very difficult for men to discuss. A man who can't get it up or keep it up, understandably feels like less of a man. However, it should not be this way. If more men were willing to talk about their problem, it would be easier to accept, knowing that they are not alone.

Often, men are not sure what is considered premature ejaculation. The average male takes less than 3 minutes from the time of insertion till he ejaculates.

According to the technical definition, it is ejaculation that occurs prior to when a man wishes, or too quickly during intercourse to satisfy the partner. This usually leads to the loss of a usable erection for the simple reason that their discharge has temporarily released a state of elevated sexual tension.

Although the complaint is usually stated in terms of time, this is because it is the only way to measure and compare. The issue, however, is really about control of the ejaculatory process and releasing when you feel ready. Men are usually more upset about the lack of a vote or influence over when they ejaculate.

One man might feel proud to last ten minutes, while this may be too short for another. Like the saying goes, one man's trash is another man's treasure.

Learned Behavior

From the point of view of reproduction, early release is not a major problem. Lasting longer in bed serves no known genetic function. It is something that we must learn to do, as opposed to being innate.

First, one must understand what is happening to his body when he ejaculates. Orgasm consists of two stages. The first begins with the prostate gland, which encircles the urethra like a tiny donut above the base of the penis. This contracts and releases its fluids, along with the contents of the seminal vesicle, into the urethra.

The second phase occurs when the pelvic muscle contracts strongly around the bulb, forcing the fluid out under considerable pressure. Men should be aware that it is possible to ejaculate without having an orgasm and vice versa.

Therapy Helps

The good news is that this is a problem that is highly curable, providing the man is willing to get help and invest the time and effort needed. It is believed that 80-90% of men are able to learn better control through therapy.

The first step to lasting longer is to become familiar with one's self. Be comfortable with your body, its sensations and the feelings leading up to orgasm. You should learn and be able to predict when the orgasm will occur. This will prevent it from creeping up on you and taking you by surprise. This will also help you do what is necessary to prevent you from reaching that "point of no return."

The "stop and start" method involves bringing yourself just before the point of no return, and stopping all movement before it is too late. When the urgency to ejaculate subsides, start thrusting again, and repeat several times.

This can also be practiced using your partner's hand, mouth or even by yourself. It may require some trial and error, as you may pass that point accidentally.

Breathe In, Breathe Out

Many people are not aware of it, but proper breathing can help develop ejaculatory control. This is because taking a few deep breaths can help you relax and calm the arousal and tension that leads to quick ejaculations. Practice deep, easy, relaxed breathing and relax your entire body.

Communication is another key to long-lasting sex. Let your partner know when you are getting close and what you can and cannot handle. This will involve the use of actual words, since non-verbal cues are easily misunderstood. "Stop," "Hold it," "Start," and "More," are obvious choices and anything else that's short and clear, is acceptable.

Other causes of premature ejaculation are anxiety, fear or discomfort with your partner. Premature ejaculation is less likely to occur if the couple knows each other well; feels comfortable with one another; both partners are consenting; in a comfortable, relaxed and private setting; and after contraception issues have been discussed.

Many men can also last longer the second time around, so perhaps this can be incorporated into your love-making. If round one is short, please her with some extended foreplay using your mouth, or with an erotic massage during half-time until your soldier is ready for battle once again.

Dream Cream

Desensitizing creams lessen the sensations felt by men during intercourse so that they can last longer. The problem that many men feel is that these creams make intercourse less pleasurable due to the decreased stimulation.

Condoms reduce the amount of stimulation experienced during sex. Many men find that a condom makes them last longer because of the decreased stimulation. As you all know, condoms provide the best protection against STDs (sexually transmitted diseases) and pregnancy, so they have added benefits.

The position of lovemaking may also affect a man's ability to last in bed. The 'missionary' position, with the man on top, is not the best position while attempting to control ejaculation. All men, however, are different and some men find it harder to hold themselves when their partner is in control.

Experiment and vary the positions according to what allows you to control yourself better.

Pump It Up!

Finally, strong, well developed pelvic muscles will allow you better control and make you more aware of what is happening in your nether regions. Pelvic floor muscles are the ones used to stop and start urination. Hold the muscles for three seconds, relax for three seconds, and repeat ten times.

You can do this at anytime and in anyplace. Eventually, you should be able to work your way up to 100 ten-second contractions per day.

Premature ejaculation can be easily countered with patience, effort and knowledge. Informing yourself is the first step, and once you know about the problem, you are halfway there. Overcoming the mental and physical aspects of this problems are also much easier if both partners are involved, aware of the situation and open to discuss it.

Once again, communication will be your strongest asset. Good luck to you all, and the questions and answers will return next week.

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