Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My 10 year old daughter is always sad and crying

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Sad girl.

A.S, Alhamdolillah I am blessed with 2 lovely daughters who are 10 and 7 mashAllah.

They are both very good girls and to date have not been cause for any concern. They are growing up to be rather traditional and cultured girls and understand their values as muslim girls very well so far Alhamdolillah.

As of late, I have noticed, (ever since we have come back from our trip back home) my 10 year old wont stop crying, she is sad all the time and finding it hard to adjust back to our normal life. She keeps saying she wants to go back to her grandparents, and this happened after she read a poem I had written for my grandparents after they passed away.

I personally had a beautiful childhood, and love telling my children stories about my grandparents. It makes them sad to think I have lost my grandparents now. My dad has been unwell lately, and dotes over my children (they are the only grandchildren they have besides a grandson who is under medical treatment and cannot visit them). He says when he sees my children it 'adds years to his life'.

I have a feeling my daughter has all of a sudden gotten scared of losing them, like I lost mine. She cries all the time saying she wants to be with them.

My husband's family is equally loving, but they have loads of other grandchildren mashAllah so the attention is obviously divided.

My parents have asked us to send my children to live with them, and that they will take responsibility for their education and upbringing. My husband is very impressed with the way my siblings and I have been brought up, and my children have lived with my parents in the past too, but I feel that due to their age they do not have the stamina to look after children all over again, neither will I be able to live without my girls anymore.

How do I cope with my child's emotional swings now? She is always sulking and crying with hiccups. I must add that she has always been a very sensible child, and very mature for her age since very young. Even though she is 2.5 years older than her sister, she is like a little loving mummy to her.

She has now started crying at everything, she cries quietly, and wants to 'snuggle' into me as much as she can. Sometimes I get frustrated as I have so much work to do at home, and I also understand she is at the cusp of puberty and it could also be due to her hormonal changes.

She is happy in school and has no problems I am assured. We have had many private chats, and there has been no reason to worry. Alhamdolillah, we all have a very stable relationship, my husband and kids all of us, and even though I was brought up with a communication screen with my mother, I have always encouraged my girls to tell me every single thing.

I need guidance in dealing with this phase of hers, I am scared of scaring her for life by taking the wrong action.

Thanks in advance.

- Kirran


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9 Responses »

  1. Assalamualaikum

    If it was the situation with me then I will just make arrangements for my wife and kids to live near the grandparents while I live alone in the place of my job. And visit the family 1-2 times each month. This would work because the kids maternal grand parents live in the same country and can be reached by a 3 hour flight.

    On the other hand if they were living in a different country then it would probably depend on how far they live.

    My brother in-law was in a similar situation and he just moved when his in-laws moved. Since his kids were born, they have been living very close to their maternal grand parents. He was lucky that he had many job options in the new place as well.

    May Allah make it easy for you to find a solution.

  2. Kirran, As-salamu alaykum,

    I'll be honest with you, when I read this post my first thought was that something traumatic happened to your daughter during your visit to your home country. Some kind of sexual abuse, in other words. It may have been perpetrated by a cousin, or a friend of the family... who knows.

    Or, it could be as you said, a sudden fear of losing her grandparents. That would be consistent with the kind of separation anxiety described in this article:

    Separation Anxiety Disorder

    You need to make an appointment with a children's counselor who is experienced in this matters, and has the tools to draw out your daughter and find out what is going on.

    In any case, you should definitely not send her or your other children to stay with the grandparents. Your children need the stability and comfort of their parents and siblings. Disrupting your daughter's life and routine would only complicate matters, and if indeed there is an abuser in the home country then you do not want to expose your daughter to that risk again.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • But if it because of abuse, and it takes place in the home country, it doesn't make sense that the daughter cries and wants to go back there, I think. So maybe it's in their country of residence that something is happening; maybe the daughter wants to go to the grandparents' to live to escape from something that happens where they live?

      • That is a possibility. I didn't think of that.

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • Hello Brother Wael. I am sorry to write on this comment but I am just wondering on how to register so that I can submit my qst. I read the instruction on how to submit a qqst yet I still can't find that register link u memntioned in the instructions. Kindly advice..thank u..

          • Right side of the home page. See the big ad for Shukr? Below that you see the recent stories. Below that you see the link to log in or register.

            Wael
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  3. you know what i would tell you to tread with thought, but one thing i would certianly advise you to do is not send your kids away from you they need you they may adjust for a bit but if you sent them but in the end they will still need you

    just keep a close eye on her talk to her regularly if the counselling thing works fine may be it will get to the bottom of it but when not at school keep close eye on her don't let her go some where with out you not even to a cousin or friends or what ever stay close to her
    and at her school ask the teachers if there are any concerns or problems l
    you can't be a 100% on what has caused it but just try to protect her and comfort her as much as possible

    and yeah i thought the same as brother Wael did when i first read this topic

    but pray pray with you kids and teach them inshallah every thing will get better

    Allah Hafiz

  4. Thankyou very much for all your input. I am overwhelmed with all the positive response. I have had heart to heart talks with her, taken her into confidence and asked her if there is something to share with mummy but scared to talk about, or worried, she said she has told everything that was in her mind.
    What is troubling her is living in a foreign land. We have no relatives here, and live her only for some qualifications yet to be gained by my husband. We have recently moved to a small village from a busier city in the same country where we had a happy active life and friends who shared the same beliefs and teachings.
    When we visit our home country she gets unconditional love from her family, grandparents uncles aunts and cousins.
    I think she left a piece of her heart there everytime we visited, this time she has left all of it there.
    All she talks about is her grandparents. She wants to be with them because they are getting older.
    It made me proud to hear that it is not only love for herself that she is after, but actually the fact that she wants to be with her grandparents and look after them before it is too late.
    She has recently come across the concept of death and it has effected her deeply.
    She asks me questions about the Day of Judgement, heaven and hell.
    I am ashamed to admit my teaching is not strong unfortunately because I lost interest when the my molvi saab started scaring me at a very tender age. He told me spoke of snakes and scorpions in a cauldron of fire, and he told me about rivers of wine, milk and honey in Heaven, and houses made of gold. Least appealing things to a young girl...wine? milk? honey? yuck, and what would I do with a house of gold?
    Sorry, I have started with my own issues now, but I am glad that through my children we have started exploring the Quran bit by bit. I admitted to her that my taught me to be a good girl, never tell lies, or hurt people, and cover myself, but I have yet to read and understand what the Quran teaches us.
    She has given up the idea of birthday parties, and would rather give the money into charity or help pay for a poor girls education.
    Thankyou again for reading this out, can I please take this opportunity to ask for some links of child friendly Islamic websites that are unbiased, optimistic, happy and to the point?
    Much regards and salaams to my brothers and sisters.

  5. Oh hell.. I'm sorry to admit I thought exactly the same as Brother Wael. Maybe it was the way u described the situation.. I was feeling rather shaky to read ahead.. Allah na karay n I hope she has not been in that position inshaallah.

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