Welcome to AskBilqis.com: Islamic Advice on Marriage and Family Issues

As-Salamu Alaykum Wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh

Not all of the older questions and answers have been migrated to this site yet, so if you want to read those you can visit the old Ask Bilqis page.

AskBilqis.com provides common-sense marriage and family advice from an Islamic perspective. We are not a fatwa site and we do not render legal decisions. We cannot answer every question, but you may find a similar question that has already been answered in our archives.

We also encourage you to post comments and advice of your own, as we value your ideas and your input. You will see many questions posted on the site that have not been answered because of time limitations, so if you want to give your own answer we welcome your input.

Thank you for visiting our site and please bookmark it and return often.

Regarding Ads: All the ads on this website are chosen by Google using an automated “contextual ad” system that is based on the text on this page. I do not choose them. If you see any un-Islamic ads on this website, please be patient. I am working to eliminate them, but it has to be done on an ad-by-ad basis.

Share This

Written by wael on October 30th, 2006 with no comments.
Read more articles on Unanswered Questions.

My Husband is Addicted to Drugs - Should I Wait for Him to Change?

October 31, 2006

This question is answered by Wael Abdelgawad, the AskBilqis.com and Zawaj.com Editor and Administrator.

QUESTION:

Dear Bilqis,

I have been married for 6 months now though I am only 18 years old.

I fell in love with the guy and he was and still is a nice guy. But he had this habit before we got married, he was obssessed with alcohol and drugs.

He told me he would quit after we got married, but I’m getting really suspicious that he is still doing it. I can see it from his eyes when he gets high! And he sits there and lies about it everytime. I say what’s wrong with your eyes, he says I just woke up from sleep but I know he wasn’t sleeping.

I’m not pregnant yet but my biggest fear is that when I have his baby, how will he be able to support me and the baby if he wont stop behaving that way. I really love him but I don’t know what to do. One side of my head is telling me, “Leave him, he’s wasting your time.” Another side of me is telling me to stay with him and see if anything would change.

Why is he still addicted to drugs? Is something bothering him? Please write back.

Maasalama,

- Young Woman from Somalia

WAEL ANSWERS:

Dear Young Woman, As-Salamu Alaykum wa Rahmatullah,

You know that part of you that is saying, “Leave him, he’s wasting your time”?

Listen to that part.

I’m quite a bit older than you and I have been around the block a few or a few dozen times. Having grown up in the United States, I have seen and known people who had problems with alcohol or drugs, both Muslims (rare in my experience) and non-Muslims (more common). I had one friend who died of a heroin addiction when I had no idea he was even using it. I had another friend who quit using cocaine and I gave that person a lot of encouragement, but then that person began using it again and I ended our friendship permanently.

So let me explain a few things about drug addiction:

1. Drug addiction is not something you can reason or explain

There is no way to know or understand why your husband uses drugs and alcohol. It could be that he is depressed and it takes his mind off his worries. It could be that he came from an abusive family environment, or that he is following an example set by his father or some other family member. It could be that he is physically addicted and unable to stop, even if he wants to. Or it could just be that he enjoys it. There’s really no way to know, and it’s a waste of time to try to figure it out. The simple fact is, he is an addict and he is not going to change until he is ready. Which brings me to my second point…

2. The desire to quit must come from him

You can love him, encourage him, pressure him, harangue him, shout at him… it will not make any difference. He will not quit until he is ready. It has to come from inside him, out of his own burning desire. Unfortunately, in most cases this does not happen until the addict has hit rock bottom. By that time he has either destroyed all his family relationships and ended up homeless, or he is dead. Being around an addict will drive you crazy and make your life a living hell. Why?

Because…

3. Addicts lie, cheat and steal

That’s what an addict does. He may be able to maintain some control over his life and keep a job in the beginning but eventually it starts to fall apart. At this point he begins to steal to get money to pay for his habit.

And addicts lie all the time, to everyone, especially to their own friends and family. They are not in control of their own lives. The drug is in control. You cannot reason with them and you cannot trust them.

Count this as a difficult lesson learned

You’re very young, and so you can be forgiven and excused for making the mistake of believing this loser and trusting him (and marrying him).

Fortunately you do not have any children yet - alhamdulillah, you should really be very, very grateful and thankful to Allah that you have learned your lesson at a very young age and you can get out of this doomed relationship and move on with your life without any serious baggage to take with you.
If any readers have some advice for this young woman, feel free to post your comments below.

Glory to You Allah, we praise You, we bear witness that there is no God except You, we ask Your forgivess and we repent to You.

Best regards,

- Wael Hesham Abdelgawad, Administrator
AskBilqis.com Islamic Marriage and Family Advice
ZAWAJ.COM Muslim Matrimonials and More!

Share This

Written by wael on October 30th, 2006 with 7 comments.
Read more articles on Islamic Answers 2006 and Marriage and Should I Leave Him/Her?.

My Husband Cheated While I am Pregnant - Should I Forgive Him?

October 30, 2006

This question is answered by Wael Abdelgawad, the AskBilqis.com and Zawaj.com Editor and Administrator.

QUESTION:

Dear Bilqis,

Thank you for your website. It is a great help to many Muslims out there.

I have just found out my husband has cheated on me while I am now pregnant. He admitted it and he told me he was sorry and begged for forgivness and said he would repent to Allah and try to make me forgive him till the day he dies.

He told me all the details of what happened and although there was no actual sexual intercourse he did commit zena by nudity and oral sex.

I took time to think and told him I forgive him because I still do love him and also for my baby.

Is this the right action for a Muslim woman? Should I have not forgiven him or does Islam tell the woman to forgive?

Please advise me as I am now scared I made the wrong decision.

Thank you.

- Sister L. from New Zealand

WAEL ANSWERS:

Dear Sister L., As-Salamu Alaykum wa Rahmatullah,

As you know, zinaa (fornication or adultery) is a major sin in Islam. It destroys families and tears apart the fabric of the society. It breaks the hearts of husbands and wives and causes a lack of trust and a disillusionment with one’s partner that is often permanent.

I sympathize with you and with the pain you must be experiencing. The fact that you are pregnant makes this especially trying, since this is a time when a woman needs love and support from her husband, not stress.
I cannot tell you what to do in this situation. You must follow your own heart. But I can point out some issues to consider:

1. You said that he has already made tawbah (repentance) to Allah. I will assume that his repentance is sincere. If this is the case, then it’s up to Allah to judge him and his sin. We all make mistakes in life - some worse than others, admittedly. But we all require forgiveness at some point in our lives.

2. Islam values forgiveness and mercy. If you truly believe that he will not repeat these actions, and if (aside from this incident) he is a loving and kind husband, then I feel that forgiving him is the best thing for you, your baby and your family.

3. In order for that to work, you must be able to truly forgive, and not to hold a grudge or to constantly attack him with his past behavior.

4. With all that said, I am not suggesting that you should be a doormat to be stepped on. If you give him a second chance, he must live up to it. If he cheats on you again, or carries on inappopriate behavior with women, then it’s over. There should be no third chances. Otherwise you just become a victim to be taken advantage of endlessly.

If any readers have experienced this, or have further advice, feel free to post your comments below.

Glory to You Allah, we praise You, we bear witness that there is no God except You, we ask Your forgivess and we repent to You.

Best regards,

- Wael Hesham Abdelgawad, Administrator
AskBilqis.com Islamic Marriage and Family Advice
ZAWAJ.COM Muslim Matrimonials and More!

Share This

Written by wael on October 29th, 2006 with no comments.
Read more articles on Islamic Answers 2006 and Marriage and Problems in the Marriage.

She Will Not Let Me Marry Her Son Because I am a Convert

October 29, 2006

This question is answered by Wael Abdelgawad, the AskBilqis.com and Zawaj.com Editor and Administrator.

QUESTION:

Dear Bilqis,

I was raised as a Buddhist. I met a Muslim man two years ago. Since then I have gained a fair knowledge of Islam and have converted. I read the Quran frequently, pray five times every day and fast in Ramadan.

Myself and this man want to marry as we feel we are a good match, but his mother is dead against this. She does not see me as a real Muslim even though she knows that i have converted. I think it has something to do with reputation as well because theirs is a reputed family in the area and she thinks that a convert as daughter-in-law is a disgrace for the family.

My own mother has agreed to this marriage since she belives that my happiness in life with the person I love is more important than religious differances. Please tell me how to handle this situation, and make his mother see the way my mother sees things.

Thank you,

- Sister A. from Sri Lanka

WAEL ANSWERS:

Dear Sister A., As-Salamu Alaykum wa Rahmatullah,

It’s really too bad that your prospective groom’s mother has these attitudes about converts. I don’t understand how any Muslim can think this way.

I suggest that you remind her of the following two points:

1. The Sahaabah

Ask her, what does she think of Khadijah (the wife of the Prophet, may Allah be pleased with her)? What does she think of ‘Umar ibn al-Khattab, Abu Bakr As-Siddiq, Salman al-Farisi, Suhaib Ar-Roomi (may Allah be pleased with them all), and all the other famous and beloved companions of the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him)?

Most likely she will say that she has the highest respect for them and that they are shining examples for all Muslims. At the very least she will admit that they were great people.

Then you can remind her that all of them were converts. Some of them worshipped idols before they became Muslim. Some of them were pagans, or Christians, or followed no religion whatsoever. And yet they became the beautiful flowers of truth, and the champions of the Islamic cause.

2. Modern Muslim Leaders

Secondly, consider our modern times. Some of the most famous and passionate Muslims in our modern age are converts. Such leaders and scholars as Hamza Yusuf, Bilal Philips, Yusuf Islam, Zaid Shakir, and many more, are all converts. And in fact the current president of the Islamic Society of North America - the largest Islamic organization in North America - is sister Ingrid Mattson, a convert and a woman.

Islam is not a royal lineage or a genetic heritage that is automatically passed from generation to generation. It is a conscious choice. It is a matter of daily belief and practice. In my experience, the most active, progressive, hard working, passionate Muslims tend to be converts, because they have chosen this religion from their hearts as a personal commitment.

Use Gentle Persuasion

Your prospective mother in law thinks that having a convert in the family would be a disgrace? Just the opposite. Anyone who looks down on converts, or considers them to be less than “real Muslims,” has disgraced himself by rejecting his own brothers and sisters in faith.

So I suggest that you point these things out to her, or let her son do it, since he surely has more influence with her. He should also let her know that this is the choice he wants and he is serious about it. But be gentle and persuade her in a kind way. Harsh language and argumentation will only harden her heart and solidify her attitudes.
Glory to You Allah, we praise You, we bear witness that there is no God except You, we ask Your forgivess and we repent to You.
Best regards,

- Wael Hesham Abdelgawad, Administrator
AskBilqis.com Islamic Marriage and Family Advice
ZAWAJ.COM Muslim Matrimonials and More!

Share This

Written by wael on October 28th, 2006 with 2 comments.
Read more articles on Islamic Answers 2006 and Marriage and Cannot Get Married.

Can I Marry the Daughter of my Cousin?

October 27, 2006

This question is answered by Wael Abdelgawad, the AskBilqis.com and Zawaj.com Editor and Administrator.

QUESTION:

Dear Bilqis,

My aunty married a man from out of our family then their son married a woman also totally our of our family. So is it permissible for me to marry their daughter?

- C. from Australia

WAEL ANSWERS:

Dear C., As-Salamu Alaykum wa Rahmatullah,

This reminds me of one of those word puzzles or riddles you get in I.Q. tests, or on the S.A.T.

Unfortunately I’ve never been very good at puzzles. You know the one with the two bent nails that are wound together and you have to get them apart? I can never solve that.

Seriously, though, let me try to work it out

Presumably you are a man. You have an aunt. You did not tell me her name but let’s call her Tahany because that’s my aunt’s name and it will help me keep things straight.

So Aunt Tahany married a man from outside of the family. Ok, no problem there. Let’s call him Fawzy.

Now, Aunt Tahany and Fawzy had a son, let’s call him Hisham. So Hisham is your first cousin. Right?

Now, if I understand you correctly, cousin Hisham married a woman out of the family (good for him). Let’s call her Salwa.

Then cousin Hisham and his wife Salwa had a daughter. Let’s call her Noha. And you want to know if you can marry Noha.

Is that right?

So the question is, basically, “Can I marry my first cousin’s daughter?”

The answer is, yes. She is not your mahrem and from a legal Islamic viewpoint you can marry her.

How Common is It?

I want to use this opportunity to address the issue of marrying family members such as first and second cousins, and the children of cousins.

I realize this is a common custom in some parts of the world. It happens in some Muslim communities because due to the restrictions against gender mixing it is difficult to meet prospective marriage partners outside your family circle. Furthermore, some people think they are strengthening and protecting the family interests by keeping the marriage within the family. And there is often a cultural suspicion of “outsiders” and their strange ways.

In fact, the BBC reported last year that at least 55% of British Pakistanis are married to first cousins!

And why not? It’s legal in most countries. No European country prohibits it; Canada and Mexico allow it; as do 26 of the American states. Islam does not prohibit it, and neither does Christianity.

Genetic Diseases and Birth Defects

However, the fact that it is legal and not prohibited religiously, does not mean that it is a good idea. Our code of life, our genetic makeup, carries two types of genes: dominant genes and recessive genes. Recessive genes carry traits that do not normally appear - they are dormant. Many rare diseases and abnormalities are caused by recessive genes.

The problem is that when two people with very similar genetics marry - in other words, close family members - these recessive traits combine and manifest in the offspring. So marriages between cousins carry a much higher risk of birth defects in the children. The risk can be as high as 6%. This may not seem like a lot, but when you consider that many of these recessive genetic disorders are extremely serious and can even result in infant death, then you begin to see how unhealthy it is to marry a cousin.

That same BBC article states that, “British Pakistanis are 13 times more likely to have children with genetic disorders than the general population.”

This is a very serious problem.

Culturally Limiting

Furthermore, I feel that the frequency of marriage between cousins in some countries like Pakistan, produces a type of xenophobia that results in tribalism and conflict. It makes people narrow minded and suspicous of outsiders. People become comfortable only with their own way of doing things, their own history, their own way of thinking.

Is it any surprise that such societies tend to become very culturally closed, and suffer from constant tribal and religious conflicts?

I am not saying that this is all because of cousin marriages; only that it is one element of a larger problem.

Marrying outside the family allows the introduction of new ideas, new blood, and new perspectives. This keeps a family and a society healthy and growing.

After the death of the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) the Sahaabah spread out across the Muslim world. Many of them married local women and had children, thereby establishing roots of Islam and Arab culture all across the world.
Glory to You Allah, we praise You, we bear witness that there is no God except You, we ask Your forgivess and we repent to You.
Best regards,

- Wael Hesham Abdelgawad, Administrator
AskBilqis.com Islamic Marriage and Family Advice
ZAWAJ.COM Muslim Matrimonials and More!

Share This

Written by wael on October 27th, 2006 with no comments.
Read more articles on Islamic Answers 2006 and Marriage and Religion and Can I Marry Him (or Her)?.

Can I See a Woman Without Her Hijab Before I Propose?

October 19, 2006

QUESTION:

Dear Wael,

Does a Muslimah have to take off her hijab before the prospective husband makes a marriage proposal?

- Riffat from USA

WAEL ANSWERS:

Dear Riffat, As-salamu alaykum wa Rahmatullah,

I assume you are asking because you are interested in a particular woman but you want to see her without her hijab before you propose.

The short answer is no, she does not have to take off her hijab and you should not ask her to do so.

Why is it necessary to see her hair? You can see face and her hands even with her hijab on, and you can get a general idea of her figure. If she is wearing niqab then you should definitely ask her to show her face, since there can be no attraction if you do not like her face. But this should be enough. Why should the color or style of her hair matter? Be modest and approach her with modesty.

I posted a recent article on Zawaj.com titled 7 Etiquettes of Seeking a Spouse: an Islamic Perspective. In that article this same issue was discussed by Imam Muhammad Nur Abdullah of St. Louis, Missouri, a member of the North American Fiqh Council. I will reprint a section of the article here, as it is quite relevant. Pay attention especially to the last part:

If you’re looking for a spouse, lower your gaze

This may seem like a contradiction, but it’s not. Looking for a spouse who has the right qualities and whom you are physically attracted to does not mean throwing out the obligation to lower the gaze for both sexes and leering or ogling the person.

“Tell the believing men to lower their gaze and be modest. That is purer for them. Lo! Allah is aware of what they do.” (Quran 24:30)

“And tell the believing women to lower their gaze and be modest, and to display of their adornment only that which is apparent, and to draw their veils over their bosoms…” (Quran 24:31)

This perspective (staring or leering) would not be Islamically acceptable. Imam Nur Abdullah noted that looking at a potential mate is recommended according to the Hadith. Narrated Jabir ibn Abdullah the Prophet said:

“When one of you asks a woman for marriage, if he is able to look at what will induce him to marry her, he should do so….” (Abu Dawud).

This means the two potential spouses can look at each other but not ogle or stare. Abdullah also noted that there is no limit on the number of times the two people can look at each other. However, both should fear Allah and remember the purpose of this is to satisfy the need for physical attraction to the person you are marrying. He also notes it is not permissible for a man to see a potential wife without Hijab, since he is not her Mahram (a relative with whom marriage is not possible, or legally her husband). Abdullah says seeing her face and hands are enough to determine attraction.

Whatever I have said that is true and good, Alhamdulillah, and whatever I have said that is wrong is from me and I ask Allah’s forgiveness.May Allah guide you and bless you in all your affairs.

- Wael Abdelgawad, Zawaj.com and AskBilqis.com Editor

Share This

Written by wael on October 19th, 2006 with 3 comments.
Read more articles on Marriage and Religion and Proposing Marriage.

We cannot get married - how can we stay together?

October 2006

This question is answered by Wael Hesham Abdelgawad, the Editor..

QUESTION:

Dear Bilqis,

My partner and I love each other very much and have been together for 3 years, since he came to UK. I converted to Islam about 2 1/2 years ago and am very happy to be Muslim and am being very pro-active in learning all I can.

Our problem? I am a lot older than him (by 15 years) and have been married before. I know that to marry an older woman is not forbidden, but think that maybe our age difference would not be accepted by my partner’s family.

He has been under pressure by his family to marry for some time, but has avoided due to career uncertainty. However, through hard work by both of us, he has now secured a good permanent job here is UK.

His family do not know of me. They are in Pakistan and we are in UK.

Due to his settled status, his family will now expect him to marry soon. I can accept that we may never be able to marry and also that we cannot have a family. I am prepared to accept a role in his life as long as it remains as it is - an important one (currently I am the most important person to him, along with his family).

I also know that he is allowed to have more than one wife, but the feeling is I cannot even be one of those wives due to my age. It is important that his family do not disown him. Neither of us want this to happen.

We discuss this often and have not come up with a solution yet. We do not see us parting. We are both prepared to do whatever it takes to make our relationship continue, should marriage be unavoidable for him.

Do you have any advice that can help us?-Jana

WAEL ANSWERS:

Dear Jana, As-salamu alaykum wa Rahmatullah,

It’s good that you have been active in learning about your religion since your conversion to Islam. I know that you would not have become Muslim if you did not have a desire to worship Allah and follow the path of guidance.

In your email, you refer to this man as your “partner,” and you say that you have “been together for 3 years.” It’s not clear to me what that means. Are you living together? Boyfriend and girlfriend? Lovers? Since you have been with this man since before you converted to Islam, I wonder if perhaps you were his girlfriend and have continued to carry on that relationship even though you are now Muslim.

Before I address that issue, I want to talk a little about what it means to be Muslim.

Placing Allah’s Guidance Over Our Desires

You may have learned that the word “Islam” comes from the Arabic room s-l-m, a root from which many words are derived, including the words for peace and submission.

This reflects the fact that submission to Allah is the essense of Islam. It requires us to follow the path and the guidance that Allah has laid down for us, rather than our own inclinations and desires. When we say the shahada - the testimony of faith - we are testifying that we will put Allah’s commands, and the example of the Prophet Muhammad (SAW), ahead of our own likes and dislikes, ahead of our own desires, ahead of our own yearnings and cravings. We will put Allah first. That is the deen that we have chosen.

Allah says in the Qur’an,

“And who is more misguided then one who follows his desires without guidance from Allah?”[28:50]

“And do not follow desires such that you are misguided from the Way of Allah”[38:26]

And it is reported (ruwiya) from the Prophet (SAW) that he said,

“By the One in Whose Hand is my soul, none of you can have faith until his very desires comply with what I have brought.” {1}

There are many such verses in the Qur’an, and many such Hadith, clarifying this point that the servant of Allah is obligated to follow what Allah and His Messenger have brought, even when his own desires pull him in a different direction. If we were to follow our own desires, ignoring Allah’s guidance, we would be ruined as individuals and as an Ummah.

Prohibition of Zinaa and all that Leads to it

I am sure you know that Allah has strongly prohibited and condemned the act of zinaa (fornication, or sexual relations with someone to whom you are not married). Zinaa is destructive to one’s own soul and to the society.

I am not saying or implying that you are committing zinaa. Rather I am leading to a discussion of the proper relationship between men and women in Islam.

In the Qur’an, Allah not only prohibits zinaa, but admonishes us not even to come close to it:

“Do not come near to any shameful indecency, whether open or secret” (6:151)

In the same vein, the Prophet Muhammad was very clear in prohibiting anything that could lead to zinaa, by prohibiting all inappropriate contact between an unmarried man and woman.

So for example, the Prophet pbuh said,

“Never is a man alone with a woman except that Satan is the third party with them.” (Al-Tirmidhi 3118, Narrated by Umar ibn al-Khattab)

The Prophet (SAW) also said:

“It is better for one of you to be pierced by a steel pin in his head than to touch the hand of a strange woman.”

And the Qur’an says to the women,

“Be not too complaisant of speech, lest one in whose heart is a disease should be moved with desire: but speak with a speech (that is) proper.” [Surah al-Ahzab: 32]

On the subject of how men and women should behave with one another, Allah the Most High says:

“Say to the believing men that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty: that will make for greater purity for them.” and says: “And say to the believing women that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty.”  [Surah al-Nur: 30-31]

So unmarried men and women should not be alone together, should not touch one another, and should not even speak to one another in soft or “loving” tones. Rather, they should exercise modesty at all times, should associate only in public, and should discuss only subjects with are proper or “ma’roof.”

Only Marriage

All of this leaves us with an inescapable conclusion: the only legitimate close relationship between a Muslim man and woman (who are not mahrem - i.e. brother and sister, mother and son, etc) is marriage.

Men and women can certainly speak to each other and interact for the purposes of work, marketplace transactions, the exchange of knowledge, etc, but it must be in public and completely above-board. There cannot be any close, intimate relationship between them, except in the form of marriage.

There are no exceptions to this rule.

You and this man have two choices. Either get married, or end your relationship and part ways.

You have given a lot of reasons why you and he cannot get married. You are too old, you are divorced, his family would not approve, he would be disowned. Are these excuses coming from you or from him? This man has carried on a relationship with you for three years and has not even told his family about you. What would it have hurt him to say to his family, “I met a good woman and I want to marry her”? Perhaps it is true that his family would not accept it and would disown him if he persisted; but he has not even tried.

At the end of your email you wrote, “We are both prepared to do whatever it takes to make our relationship continue, should marriage be unavoidable for him.”

What does this mean? That even if he married someone else, you would carry on a relationship in secret? Or do you imagine that his wife would allow him to carry on an open relationship with you, even one of close friendship?

You need to stop fooling yourself. If this man marries someone else then I guarantee you that your relationship with him will come to an end, either instantly or gradually. No woman would allow her husband to carry on with a previous girlfriend in any capacity.

I am sorry that you have invested three years of your life with someone who is not willing to step up and take a stand. His relationship with you has not been guided by Islamic principles.

But now you are Muslim too. You are not responsible for his behavior or his soul, only for yours. You must assume control of your own future as a Muslim woman, according to Allah’s guidance.

You are a human being with free will. You can make your own choices. If you are willing to marry this man, and he is willing as well, then I suggest you get married.

If he is not willing to marry you, then it’s time that you end your relationship with him and move on with your life.

I wish you the best and may Allah guide you and bless you in all your actions.

- Wael Hesham Abdelgawad, Editor
FOOTNOTES:

{1} The hadeeth is reported as one of an-Nawawee’s 40 Hadeeth and it is da`eef.

Share This

Written by wael on October 12th, 2006 with 2 comments.
Read more articles on Islamic Answers 2006 and Marriage and Cannot Get Married.