October 12th, 2006

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We cannot get married - how can we stay together?

October 2006

This question is answered by Wael Hesham Abdelgawad, the Editor..

QUESTION:

Dear Bilqis,

My partner and I love each other very much and have been together for 3 years, since he came to UK. I converted to Islam about 2 1/2 years ago and am very happy to be Muslim and am being very pro-active in learning all I can.

Our problem? I am a lot older than him (by 15 years) and have been married before. I know that to marry an older woman is not forbidden, but think that maybe our age difference would not be accepted by my partner’s family.

He has been under pressure by his family to marry for some time, but has avoided due to career uncertainty. However, through hard work by both of us, he has now secured a good permanent job here is UK.

His family do not know of me. They are in Pakistan and we are in UK.

Due to his settled status, his family will now expect him to marry soon. I can accept that we may never be able to marry and also that we cannot have a family. I am prepared to accept a role in his life as long as it remains as it is - an important one (currently I am the most important person to him, along with his family).

I also know that he is allowed to have more than one wife, but the feeling is I cannot even be one of those wives due to my age. It is important that his family do not disown him. Neither of us want this to happen.

We discuss this often and have not come up with a solution yet. We do not see us parting. We are both prepared to do whatever it takes to make our relationship continue, should marriage be unavoidable for him.

Do you have any advice that can help us?-Jana

WAEL ANSWERS:

Dear Jana, As-salamu alaykum wa Rahmatullah,

It’s good that you have been active in learning about your religion since your conversion to Islam. I know that you would not have become Muslim if you did not have a desire to worship Allah and follow the path of guidance.

In your email, you refer to this man as your “partner,” and you say that you have “been together for 3 years.” It’s not clear to me what that means. Are you living together? Boyfriend and girlfriend? Lovers? Since you have been with this man since before you converted to Islam, I wonder if perhaps you were his girlfriend and have continued to carry on that relationship even though you are now Muslim.

Before I address that issue, I want to talk a little about what it means to be Muslim.

Placing Allah’s Guidance Over Our Desires

You may have learned that the word “Islam” comes from the Arabic room s-l-m, a root from which many words are derived, including the words for peace and submission.

This reflects the fact that submission to Allah is the essense of Islam. It requires us to follow the path and the guidance that Allah has laid down for us, rather than our own inclinations and desires. When we say the shahada - the testimony of faith - we are testifying that we will put Allah’s commands, and the example of the Prophet Muhammad (SAW), ahead of our own likes and dislikes, ahead of our own desires, ahead of our own yearnings and cravings. We will put Allah first. That is the deen that we have chosen.

Allah says in the Qur’an,

“And who is more misguided then one who follows his desires without guidance from Allah?”[28:50]

“And do not follow desires such that you are misguided from the Way of Allah”[38:26]

And it is reported (ruwiya) from the Prophet (SAW) that he said,

“By the One in Whose Hand is my soul, none of you can have faith until his very desires comply with what I have brought.” {1}

There are many such verses in the Qur’an, and many such Hadith, clarifying this point that the servant of Allah is obligated to follow what Allah and His Messenger have brought, even when his own desires pull him in a different direction. If we were to follow our own desires, ignoring Allah’s guidance, we would be ruined as individuals and as an Ummah.

Prohibition of Zinaa and all that Leads to it

I am sure you know that Allah has strongly prohibited and condemned the act of zinaa (fornication, or sexual relations with someone to whom you are not married). Zinaa is destructive to one’s own soul and to the society.

I am not saying or implying that you are committing zinaa. Rather I am leading to a discussion of the proper relationship between men and women in Islam.

In the Qur’an, Allah not only prohibits zinaa, but admonishes us not even to come close to it:

“Do not come near to any shameful indecency, whether open or secret” (6:151)

In the same vein, the Prophet Muhammad was very clear in prohibiting anything that could lead to zinaa, by prohibiting all inappropriate contact between an unmarried man and woman.

So for example, the Prophet pbuh said,

“Never is a man alone with a woman except that Satan is the third party with them.” (Al-Tirmidhi 3118, Narrated by Umar ibn al-Khattab)

The Prophet (SAW) also said:

“It is better for one of you to be pierced by a steel pin in his head than to touch the hand of a strange woman.”

And the Qur’an says to the women,

“Be not too complaisant of speech, lest one in whose heart is a disease should be moved with desire: but speak with a speech (that is) proper.” [Surah al-Ahzab: 32]

On the subject of how men and women should behave with one another, Allah the Most High says:

“Say to the believing men that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty: that will make for greater purity for them.” and says: “And say to the believing women that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty.”  [Surah al-Nur: 30-31]

So unmarried men and women should not be alone together, should not touch one another, and should not even speak to one another in soft or “loving” tones. Rather, they should exercise modesty at all times, should associate only in public, and should discuss only subjects with are proper or “ma’roof.”

Only Marriage

All of this leaves us with an inescapable conclusion: the only legitimate close relationship between a Muslim man and woman (who are not mahrem - i.e. brother and sister, mother and son, etc) is marriage.

Men and women can certainly speak to each other and interact for the purposes of work, marketplace transactions, the exchange of knowledge, etc, but it must be in public and completely above-board. There cannot be any close, intimate relationship between them, except in the form of marriage.

There are no exceptions to this rule.

You and this man have two choices. Either get married, or end your relationship and part ways.

You have given a lot of reasons why you and he cannot get married. You are too old, you are divorced, his family would not approve, he would be disowned. Are these excuses coming from you or from him? This man has carried on a relationship with you for three years and has not even told his family about you. What would it have hurt him to say to his family, “I met a good woman and I want to marry her”? Perhaps it is true that his family would not accept it and would disown him if he persisted; but he has not even tried.

At the end of your email you wrote, “We are both prepared to do whatever it takes to make our relationship continue, should marriage be unavoidable for him.”

What does this mean? That even if he married someone else, you would carry on a relationship in secret? Or do you imagine that his wife would allow him to carry on an open relationship with you, even one of close friendship?

You need to stop fooling yourself. If this man marries someone else then I guarantee you that your relationship with him will come to an end, either instantly or gradually. No woman would allow her husband to carry on with a previous girlfriend in any capacity.

I am sorry that you have invested three years of your life with someone who is not willing to step up and take a stand. His relationship with you has not been guided by Islamic principles.

But now you are Muslim too. You are not responsible for his behavior or his soul, only for yours. You must assume control of your own future as a Muslim woman, according to Allah’s guidance.

You are a human being with free will. You can make your own choices. If you are willing to marry this man, and he is willing as well, then I suggest you get married.

If he is not willing to marry you, then it’s time that you end your relationship with him and move on with your life.

I wish you the best and may Allah guide you and bless you in all your actions.

- Wael Hesham Abdelgawad, Editor
FOOTNOTES:

{1} The hadeeth is reported as one of an-Nawawee’s 40 Hadeeth and it is da`eef.

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Written by wael on October 12th, 2006 with 2 comments.
Read more articles on Islamic Answers 2006 and Marriage and Cannot Get Married.

My father views pornography on the internet - what can I do about it?

September 1, 2003

QUESTION:

Dear Bilqis,

Asalamu Alaikom. I am an 18 year old girl born and raised in the US and I live with my parents and two younger brothers, ages 16 and 14. I am facing a difficult, uncomfortable, and embarrassing problem and I do not know how to deal with it, or even if I should deal with it at all or let it go. My parents are moderately religious. Both my parents pray 5 times a day and fast. My parents, especially my father who is involved in the Muslim community here, has instilled it into our minds that we are Muslim and should be proud and need to follow the Islamic way of life carefully to be successful. I agree with him on this and do my best to be a good Muslim.

My issue is this: I recently accidentally found out that my father has been viewing extremely inappropriate (as well as extremely haram) content on the internet at home and it has put me in a very awkward position. I fear that my brothers or my mother may accidentally stumble on this unknowingly and wonder where it came from. I feel like my dad is such a hypocrite and I can’t stand to look at him! He preaches to us about Islam, prays 5 times a day and fasts, and then counteracts all that with something as silly, disgusting, and mortifying as this? I cannot, WILL NOT, approach him about this subject at all, nor anyone else, as it is far too embarrassing.

Bilqis, what do I do? I have lost all respect for my father, and I feel terrible because he will help pay for my college. I am very confused, upset, and in desperate need of advice. Inshallah I will hear from you soon.

Sincerely,

- Disappointed and Scared

BILQIS ANSWERS:

Dear “Disappointed”,

Let me begin with the following words:

“The truly guided Muslim is fair in judging other people. The Muslim is never unjust and never deviates from the truth, no matter what the circumstances.”

(from The Ideal Muslim by Dr. Mohammad Ali al-Hashimi. International Islamic Publishing House 1997.)

I am certain, as you say, that this possible discovery has been difficult for you! And I sympathize with you in that regard. I don’t know how you became aware of this matter, but even so, especially with it being a parent, you must strive to not think the worst at first and hope that perhaps there may be something you are missing here. In other words, strive to put a positive construction on the matter and think the best, not the worst. This should be your first approach.

Sometimes with computers and access to the internet, information not of our choosing is sent to us. This could be a possibility.

However, if you are certain this is not the case, then you have been presented with a situation that as a young adult may require some understanding on your part as well as forgiveness.

The truth is that we all are vulnerable to doing wrong. Sometimes we may have temporary lapses into a certain type of wrong behavior. Yet, if a Muslim continues to sincerely strive in his/her deen, through salat, and other acts of worship, he/she will be guided away from error, Insha’Allah. The fact that your father continues to encourage you in your Islamic responsibilities and performs his Islamic duties, as well, makes him worthy of your duaa’, respect, and forgiveness.

Something on the status of parents in Islam should be mentioned here:

Allah says, “Your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him, and that you be kind to parents. Whether one or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of honour. And out of kindness, lower to them the wing of humility, and say, ‘My Lord! Bestow on them Your Mercy even as they cherished me in childhood.’” [Isra 17: 23-24]

Further Allah says, “Serve Allah and join not any partners with Him, and do good to Parents.” [Nisa 4: 36]

and:

“We have enjoined on man kindness to parents.” [Ankabut 29: 8]

A Hadith: Abdullah ibn Mas’ud said, “I asked the Prophet [s], ‘Which deed is most liked by Allah?’ He said, ‘Prayer offered on time.’ I asked him, ‘Then what?’ He said, ‘Kindness and respect towards parents.’ I asked him, ‘Then what?’ He said, ‘Jihad for the sake of Allah.’”

So as you can see, Allah (SWT) has given parents a very special status.

Nevertheless, if indeed your father is downloading and viewing such material, it is indeed haram and destructive. Pornographic material has many harmful effects. It may distort the way a person views women in general, it may inject corrupt and un-Islamic thoughts into one’s consciousness, and it may interfere with and even destroy a healthy marriage.

I encourage you to find the strength within yourself to make your father aware that you have discovered this material, and to ask him to stop and make tawbah. Otherwise, if you simply ignore it and do not discuss it with anyone, what will change? If you love your father then you must offer him naseehah (sincere advice), not out of disgust or loathing but out of concern for him and the wellbeing of your family.

You said quite emphatically that you cannot approach your father about this, as it is too embarassing. Consider this: at times when the Prophet Muhammad (SAW) wanted to speak about some blameworthy action he had witnessed, he would speak about it in the third person, that is, not mention someone by name, but just refer to them as he or she. Perhaps you might consider using this method in this situation. Even as this circumstance involves your father, as Muslims, a “word to the right” needs to be spoken to him. This is among the best of things that one Muslim can do for another Muslim.

Another possibility is to write him a letter. That way you can say whatever you need to say without having to confront him directly.

This may be difficult, but as you say, you don’t want other family members to become aware too. If Allah (SWT) keeps the matter secret, you should also. We as Muslims should strive to maintain the honor of another Muslim, as much as possible.

I would sincerely pray to Allah for guidance in finding a way to perhaps, in a subtle manner and when you feel ready, put the thought out to make him aware of the awkwardness and haram (unlawful) nature of such a situation without naming him directly. Don’t feel pressured to do this, but keep up sincere duaa’ to Allah (SWT) for guidance and watch and wait for an answer. Allah (SWT) may resolve the situation in the meantime.

Most importantly, give the matter up to Allah (SWT), strive to not let it weigh on your mind, and continue to pray for your father and forgive his shortcomings, because he seems to be doing many good things for his family. If Allah (SWT) in all His Greatness can continually forgive us, surely we can forgive one another! My prayers and best wishes to you and your family.

Best regards,

- Bilqis

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Written by wael on October 12th, 2006 with no comments.
Read more articles on Islamic Answers 2003 and Family and Parents Behavior Problems.

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