I’m 36, still single and its causing me to suffer depression
I am in great distress. I am a muslim woman 36 years of age. I am really struggling with my life. On the surface I am very successful but I am constantly hurting inside.
I hate my life at the moment and have done so for a very long time. I was hoping that a nice man will come along and I will feel safe and settled and be happy but nothing seems to work out.
I am fed up, angry, disappoineted and severely depressed. I tried taking antidepressants but they made me feel suicidal so I have come off it. Feeling like this is making every day life a living hell for me. When I turn to Islam and try to watch Islamic channels on tv the way people talk about punishment, aakhirat, jahannam, it gives me nightmares.
I started wearing hijab last year, but l am unable to carry on wearing it because of anxiety and depressions. l cannot explain how and why l feel like this. l just feel extremely angry with my life and why has Allah put me in this situation.
Sajjalee
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Salaams Sajjalee
After reading your reply really made me realise we as women need to STOP feeling sorry for ourselves yes to be completed we should be married and have kids and be settled and live happily after with our husbands. Sister not everything is black and white Allah has put us through a test whether we are good or bad person everyone is put through this path of life what is written or not only allah knows. Everyone as a path to believe in and that to me keep believing and doing your best in life. I know deep down people in our communities make it worse but sister look at this way you are here and although you feel depressed and sad you should be saying ulhumdiallah. There are a lot people who go through worse when married and with great difficulty to make the marriage work inshallah you’re time will come have faith. Age is just another number it don’t mean anything to me. You need to be strong and restore your energy to allah, focus, concentrate and read your namaz, quaran and special dua’s to reflect why you are feeling the way you are. You are depressed because you feel your worth nothing but believe me sister you should be strong, have faith and have sabr (patience) because there are more sisters who are not even married either you are not alone many parents are facing the same problem to marry there daughters but what you should remember is there are many people worse off than you. Have you thought of meeting people, giving your details to a local mosque asking the imaan or a relative in the family you trust, being introduce to people at weddings or even your parents finding a rishta for you. Either way I pray inshallah you find the strength to get through this difficulty you are facing.
Assalamu sister Sajjalee.
As our sister Samina said may be your current life is the best life for you, you do not know, but Allah knows best.
Yes also as Samina said some people go through tough times in their marriage there is many things my sister that you havent experienced yet for example there is divorce around divorce there are may be children.
So my dear sister say Alhamdulillah for everything that He has given you the biggest mercy upon you from Allah is that you are BELIEVER sister. Whatever happened to you, you could never have missed it, so keep going and run for your RISQ (good things) until you get them and you only get them by the will of Allah....
Now, me I am a bit suffering from divorce and there is a child and I do not live with my child, I sometimes think that it was better to be unmarried instead of this disaster divorce, but that is called QADAR (Allah`s willing, written down for someone) and I have to accept it no matter how difficult it is + I have to thank Allah for this as He has gave me a child and may be this divorce is good for me, I do not know, only Allah knows...
So my sister do not say "why Allah has put me into this situation, since you do not know is it good for you or not and this is in Koran suurah Baqara verse 216"....
May Allah make your situation better.
Sincerely your bro in Islam Abdullahi.
This is not an advice, this is just my personal reflection:
Muslim sisters now a days go for career first, marriage second. On the other hand, increasing number of Muslim brothers decline to marry to sisters who opt to work outside home.
Now, Muslim sisters are not allowed by Islam to marry non-Muslim men. As a result, it is only natural that the number of Muslim sisters remaining unmarried are increasing.
Personally, I do not know how we can come out of such vicious cycle.
I believe this is a punishment that has befallen from Allah because parents now a days do not teach their daughter how they would use their education. Education is the right of both the sons and the daughters. I think we need education not because we need to earn, because provision is from Allah, but we need education to improve our thinking ability, so that as a result we can understand the purpose of our existence and God given roles better and thus work accordingly.
Allah created females to become mothers. Their first and foremost responsibility is to give birth to children and raising them. This is the truth, and there is no shame in it. If it is something that is looked down upon, the God given role, honor and peace can't be achieved from any other role. That is why sisters do not get satisfaction from their jobs, they get depressed because they have not started their family yet. Now days parents give their daughter a good education, but forget to tell them how they would use this eduction. We give them this education to do jobs, which is the wrong message in my humble opinion. This education should be given to arm them to raise and nurture future Muslims generations in proper manner. Earning and working are not their responsibility.
Why we brothers are so afraid of highly educated sisters? I am one of those brothers. Career oriented sisters scares me. Sheikh Yassir Birjas in one of his love fiqh class explained it. Because brothers are too afraid of the ego struggle in a family. Allah has made men to be the leaders of the family, and thus they secretly do not like the battle of egos. There would have been no battle of egos had our daughters were taught to be obedient towards their husband, and not to use their education and independence to threaten their husband in every familial conflict. When the wives work outside, earn money and husbands are constantly threatened with back door exit capability by their highly educated wives, it is only natural that the family balance gets distorted.
I urge everyone listen to the lecture: Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires, the Respect He Desperately Needs by Emerson Eggerichs. I have found it to be true. The most prized thing by men is respect. If man does not get the respect he deserves, he fails to love his wife. When career women uses her education and career every time, the husband thinks he is not respected. And he can't love consequently as a result, although he wants to love. Because his heart is wounded.
Do you want to know why dads love their small daughters so much and even would sacrifice the whole world just to fulfill her single wish? Because those daughters are helpless, they do not have careers and independence to reply back even if their dad sometimes say something wrong. And even when dads mistakenly say something wrong, and their daughters only look at them, dads can only feel enormously guilty inside, and their love for their daughter just increases and increases.
Allah clearly said in the Quran that Allah can never be blamed for any calamity that befalls us. We can only blame ourselves. It is our actions and disobedience that earns us these trials.
I know this comment will hurt the sister who have posted the question here, and many other sisters, but I have here voiced the viewpoint that many Muslims bothers harbor. We need to talk openly about these issues I believe, otherwise questions like this will continue to pop up.
Stranger, I'm not sure where you got the idea that "Allah created females to become mothers. Their first and foremost responsibility is to give birth to children and raising them. "
Allah created both men and women to worship Him, for His Ibadah. Our main and primary purpose is to increase in our ibadah and submission towards Him, that can be through Salat, Quran, earning halal rizq, taking care of family, raising children (if Allah blesses us with them) anything and everything that Allah blesses us with.
Secondly, not necessaritly all women who have reached their 30's or 40's without getting married, are there because they were 'career oriented' or focused on their education. It just so happend that they never received a decent proposal because their family didn't know a lot of people or they lived in a city where muslim community was not large. Women, unlike men, don't initiate their search assertively, they wait for someone to come and show their interest. For some it works out and for some it doesn't. All with Allah's decree.
Dear Stranger,
I think Muslim brothers who dislike educated muslim women are intimidated by educated muslim women. That is the long and short of it.
Every educated muslim woman I know, including myself, places a high value on marriage, children and family. Our mothers want us to be educated but they also want us to be married and have families of our own. Education/career and marriage are not mutually exclusive. They can co-exist, and they do co-exist quite successfully. I can give you countless examples. A muslim woman who is a doctor, for example, will make a wonderful wife and mother! She will have been trained in dealing with different personalities and temperaments, and she will be able to "take care" of her family in a very special way due to her medical training. Similarly, I think teachers also make very special mothers. These are just some examples.
I know you say that your comments were not meant to be hurtful. However, they are very misplaced. Furthermore, the sister who wrote about her problem is hurting; she wants a husband and family of her own. We have to reassure her that Allah's purpose for us goes beyond motherhood. Yes, it is the desire and dream of every woman to have babies and aspire to motherhood. But if that does not happen, does that mean that God's purpose has been thwarted? Many women cannot have children. Many women do not get married. Many women have children but then lose those children through tragic events. Does that mean that these women no longer have a purpose in life? I am 40 and will likely never have children, nor get married. I don't believe that is my fault. I don't believe that is because I have a university education. it just happened. But i won't be doing myself any favours by accepting that my sole purpose in life was to be a mother.
There is another vicious cycle that you do not speak of but which is alive and well: "blaming the victim." Individuals such as yourself blame Muslim women for their failure to get married, which in turn makes us feel dejected and hopeless, which in turn makes it difficult for us to see a clear path toward living a fulfilling and happy life.
I really wish your comments had been more helpful, rather than hurtful.
Debate can continue, and hours after hours can't be spent. But personally, I am against women working outside unless there is an absolute necessary, because with whatever knowledge of Islam Allah has blessed me with, I cannot see the Messenger of Allah, or the rightly guided caliphs, or any classical scholar of Islam like Ibn Taymiah giving women the permission to work in environments they are working now. Also scholars are not unanimous regarding granting permission women to work outside. Some scholars are absolutely against it, and some scholars reluctantly give permission, but they attach a list of strong conditions with it.
I believe, as I have said many times, the truth is self-evident. When people comes to this world, they come with an embedded chip named fitrah. This is such a strong chip that it makes people understand the truth easily. You just need common sense and instinct to understand the truth. No hard talk is needed to understand the truth. However, either due to our arrogance, or playing hide and seek with our own souls, we consciously avoid the truth and and prefer the way of the disbelievers, and yet bask the rays of satisfaction thinking we are following the straight path.
Salam brother,
I understand your perspective of the male "ego" being threatened and so on and so forth. But let's just go back to the time of our beloved prophet SAW. You are aware of the fact that hazrat khadija (RA) handeled a business of a merchant at that time? She was also quite rich? No where in islam is it PROHIBITED for a woman to work as LONG as she abides by the shariah and works in a modest condition ensuring her husband and children are not neglected. A strong woman and a good wife will not use her education as a tool for authority, rather she will use it as a took for empowerment and will pass on the knowledge she has acquired to her children. Many educated women connect better with their children as they understand society from the perspective of their children. There is nothing wrong for a woman to work in a modest environment following the shariah and be a sucessful homemaker. A husband need not be "threatened' by his wife's success. Men cannot just simply claim that because we have ego issues, we cannot let our wives work, we begin feeling threatened. Really, is that a claim that a strong willed man would make? He should be happy for his wife's success but at the same time the wife should not use this against her husband and realize that her education is the key to a better life for her family and herself. This situation only works out though when both sides understand and respect one another, not feel threatened.
Helping Sister:
I just want to say that sisters should fear Allah whenever they use the example of Khadija (RA)'s conduction of business as an example to go outside of their house and work. Khadija (RA) never herself went out to travel and conduct her business. She rather used to distribute her business assignments to other men, who would do the business on her behalf,, and even b and then would share the profit. In my humble opinion, the example of Khadija (RA) doing business is often blown out of proportion now a days by our sisters.
And we need to remember that Khadija (RA) attained the lofty status because she served the Messenger of Allah like true wife. She made food for the Messenger of Allah, she believed in him when the whole world disbelieved him, she comforted him when his enemies attacked him. Do you know when Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala sent salam through Jibreel (A)? Khadija (RA) received the salam of the Lord of the A'lamin when she was presenting the Messenger of Allah the food she prepared for him.
Regarding working outside home, I am not a jurist and I simply cannot declare anything halal or haram at my wish. I simply follow the opinion which STRONGLY encourages women to stay inside the home, and allows them to work only in there is a genuine necessity.
I probably should have not used the word ego in my previous post. What I meant to say was men like to see their women depend on them. It makes them feel more masculine. When women earn and live on their own, it consciously or sub-consciously makes men feel little less masculine. You will not find many brothers, or even non-Muslim men, who would like to marry women who are greater then them in terms of education or salary.
In my humble opinion, the household work is something that needs a great manager. And our moms are doing that managerial job. My mom once went to visit our home country, and being her eldest son, I stepped into her role, mainly cooking. I understood how difficult her job was. And yet she managed it day after day with complete perfection and without any complain. Most women do that, even the working women. Even after doing such huge jib inside house, working outside puts unnecessary pressure on our sisters. That is unjust. Even if the women are not working outside, I think husbands should be helping their wives inside home, like out Prophet sometimes used to help his blessed wives.
Salam brother,
I respect your opinion and agree with you in regards to many perspectives. I just think personally that if a wife can be a successful homemaker and for her own desire want to work (i.e.: many women become doctors, teachers, etc. They put many years and hard work into their education), then their husbands should support them and not feel threatened. As long as she has her priorities set (i.e.: husband and children first), I dont see a problem with a woman working. However, everyone has their own opinions and this is mine :). I do respect your view though!
Brother Stranger, I totally agree with everything you have said in your post. Mashallah may Allah reward you, couldn't have expressed it any better than you!! So much you have said and its just so true...
UmmSarah ..With regards to what you are saying about you not knowing where he got the idea of him saying us females were created to be mothers etc...Sister, he is not saying that the PURPOSE of our creation is to be a mother. He is talking about the primary role of a woman, which whether anyone likes it or not, IS to be a mother and wife. Islamically, we have been assigned primary roles..a man's being that of the breadwinner and authority over the household and the woman's being of an obedient wife and to raise the future ummah...
Why are we ashamed to even admit this?! The western mentality has corrupted our thinking so much that even muslims of today do not want to admit to this. This is not to say that Islam says women should not be educated and independant..however, no matter how educated and independant we may be, we must not forget our primary role, that of being dependant on a man (first our father then our husband etc) and raising good Muslims. This does not in anyway put us down..in fact it elevates us...Where, no matter what position and stage in life, a man is always assigned the duty of taking care of us, being responsible over us.
So many non muslim women are actually attracted to Islam after knowing this...they are so pleasantly surprised and relieved to hear this because they are virtually sick and tired of feeling the need to be a mother, wife AND breadwinner..someone who is 'independant'..working in the house and out. They see relief in the roles and responsibilies that Allah swt has portioned out to us...whereas unfortunately many muslims think that the western way of life is somewhat more 'liberating' for a woman.
Also what you have said regarding " Women, unlike men, don't initiate their search assertively, they wait for someone to come and show their interest"
How is that right? Should a woman not look..and because of that stay single all her life? or just go against her culture, look for someone assertively, ESPECIALLY when she realises its getting a bit late now?
I know what ur saying here because its like this in my community..and every single woman I know of who is old and not married...not one of them is in the situation because its just been unforutunate for them and no one suitables been found etc...its been because either they havent shown an interest in marriage, were too career orientated or they didnt look enough. If you sit around waiting, esp when you know chances of that happening are slim due to living in a non muslim community or whatever the reason, then at the end of the day, reality is - you are somewhat responsible for ur situation! (I'm speaking generally here, just using the term 'you' generally)
If Khadija r.a had waited for Muhammad s.a.w to come forward, then I guess Ruqayah, Um kulthum, Zainab or Fatima would have never come into existence 🙂
Sister Precious Star..."Every educated muslim woman I know, including myself, places a high value on marriage, children and family. "
That comment of yours is quite surprising, because I experienced the complete opposite! If not every, nearly every educated woman I come across, the only thing education has done to them, with regards to their view on marriage and being good an obedient wife to their husband, is its made it look insignificant.
Lets be honest, the more independant someone gets, the less likely it is for them to look UP to someone, be obedient to them and make that person 'feel' like they are dependant upon them (like every husband wants to feel) ...and all this is a cause of big fitnah in todays world.
Dont get me wrong..the way I think you guys have greatly misunderstood and misplaced Strangers comments. I am NOT against education..I myself am in education myself and greatly in favour, however, I am also not going to ignore the painful truth that we see and what a lot of our muslim sisters are lacking.
This brings me back to what Stranger said actually...I dont know how we can get out of this 'vicious cycle'...because education in itself is of course a very good thing, for both males and females...but how do we manage to make the sisters keep the balance of being educated women who will also make an obedient wife to their husband? Or even..educated women who do not neglect the importance of marriage and children...
We are not judging the quesioner, sister Sajjalee. She may or may not be in this situation because of these reasons..Allahu alim. She may be completely innocent..perhaps she has come across many potentials, looked around etc..but it just never worked out. If so, then that is just qadr Allah. Whatever the case, the desire of 'wanting' to be a mother and have children is very natural and as Stranger has said, no matter how educated etc, these 'natural instincts' will stay...
I've seen some women in their 30's ..who have even broken engagements due to wanting to be independant after tasting uni life... but they get so broody sometimes and find it difficult to hide this....
Was salaamu alaikum wa rahmatullah
Stranger is 100% right
Assalamulekum sister
First of all I pray that may allah have mercy on you and make things easier for you. Life is hard and only allah can make it easier. So pray alot for yourself and all the other Muslim sisters and brother who are not married as well. The way you are feeling seems like a plot of Shaytan who want to mislead you and has made you doubt your self and the creater. God put you on this earth beacuse he LOVES YOU and that is why he made you a Muslim. That is the biggest prove for his love for you. Keep doing the hijab ask allah to give you strength to do the right thing. You can go to the mosque and being around sisters who do hijab so you will be encouraged and motivated keep your hijab on. Be around good people so they can advice you and pray for you. Increase in your dua's and zikr because there is a want and a need in the heart for zikr which makes the heart at peace. Have faith inshallah you will get married soon.Allah says in the Quran that By the way I am also not married what I do is pray alot.
I LOVE YOU FOR THE SAKE OF ALLAH AND I WILL PRAY FOR YOU INSHALLAH!
Salaams Sajjalee,
You said you are succesful outside and hurful inside. You are living a life you don´t want, you sound as a very strong woman that has been extremely dissapointed and you are looking for a solution and you don´t know where to look, nothing get your attention enough to bring Hope and Light back again to you, You think a husband and family will make you feel better, being as you are, I will focus completely in being my best, physically and emotionally.
I will shock you, but if I was you, I will stop inmediately whatever I am doing, I will go to do ablution, I will do two rakkhats, at this point, I will relax my shoulders and I will grab a paper and a pen, next step, three columns, What I am doing I like, what I am doing I don´t like, what can I change about the movements I don´t like, solutions, options, ways to improve,...Don´t worry if you cry, you can go over it, you can dream of your new life, just doing this you are allouding yourself to think that is possible a change, you are bringing Hope to your Life, insha´Allah.
After this, just let it go for now, you can go back to the paper tomorrow, any more ideas, any more choices, any more opportunities,...now ready to take actions, go for it and build up your own joy, you need to be strong to get out of that dissapointment. Stay firm in the Straight Path, pray, surrender to Allah(swt) from Heart, ask Him for help and guidance, He is the strongest of the medicines, He will bring Peace, Light and Hope to your life, insha´Allah.
Just one more thing, what brings a smile to your Heart? Follow your Dreams, please, step by step, don´t be in a hurry, you can do it. You are called to make a difference in people´s Life, and you are already doing it. Thank you for sharing.
Do what it is in your hand to do to be your best, let Allah (swy) do the rest, insha´Allah.
You have a complete life waiting for you to fulfill your dreams, to go for excellence, you can be whoever you want to be, .... go for your dream, talk to Allah(swt), pray to Him, listen to His Signs and move consciously He is comforting you and He is in your Heart, listening to you, waiting for you to come close to Him, insha´Allah.
All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I totally agree with brothers faith and stranger because I am one of those sisters who has put her career first I have never ever regretted it to be honest as my parents were the same. I have done it for myself main for me is my parents have always been supportive and because I always wanted to be successful I have not committed sinful or zina acts. Ulhumdiallah I have everything I wanted in life and as time is passing I have to be seriously honest I don’t regret being on my own I may have done it on my own being how I am today but that don’t mean I am any less of a person. I practice being a Muslim everyday and everyday is a new day to do something new in helping people realise there are worse situations then yours. I say this from my own experience women now are waiting late to get married due to family pressures and careers choices they are making and so they should do better themselves in the society they live in, they also need to be independence yes this is a threat to some men of the competition and others to just live it simple. But there are others who want to do good for what they have been given and give something back to unfortunate people who have not been as lucky as myself or you. Ulhumdiallah one way or the other muslim sisters can argue as much as they like but it is true men don’t like career minded women therefore making it easy they prefer girls back home to do how and as they please that’s why even today I say to myself ulhimduallah I have been given the same rights as my brothers and never ever been told to agree with my parents if I felt something was not quite right I was always given a choice to say in a reasonable tone of what I think. I truly believe kismet also takes a part in this and also what is written for you from allah, you don’t know until you take a step to think about what next, where do I go from here. Last thing if parents do not want there sons to get there daughters married into country they originally live in or born in then what’s going to happen to those sisters still waiting to get married? Why should those sisters suffer just because they bettered themselves and settle for second best. If mothers decide thinking overboard wives are better then to me this is where the problem is for the girls is that they prefer simple girls back home but no one knows if that is a good thing or a bad thing only allah knows what’s written in your kismet (faith). I pray for this sister in distress realises how lucky she is and never to feel depress as there are more majority decent sisters still waiting to get married, please never feel alone just keep doing what you do and inshallah your dreams will come true amen.
Salaam,
I made comments about this topic in the other question someone posted as well. Muslim women in the west have no one but themselves to blame if they pursue higher education, reach 24/25 or even older by the time they have completed the education and then look for husbands.
Human beings are such than on average a female is 2-3 years more mature than a man, this is why many many will look to find girls who are 2 or 3 years younger for their sons. If the sons are 25 and ready to marry like me and the girls at 22/23 are still busy with their studies, of course the mothers will go abroad to find wives. It's not a case of not wanting to marry girls in the west, it's case of those girls not being ready when the men are ready. So by pursuing education, yes they are bettering themselves, but they are losing out too. So the sisters in the west must decide, do they want to go into further and higher education and jeopardise their opportunities of finding a good partner, or do they value married life more?
The other issue which is common and there is very little doubting of this matter, most men are not bothered if their wife is from the west or the east, but the women in the west generally want men from the west. Muslim women these days by living in the west want to express their right to marry the man they want, which is fine, but instead of settling for a decent man, they end up searching for years for the perfect man, who in reality does not exist. In the past women compromised and accepted men who were not perfect, but who they could cope with and learn to love.
I myself was asked a few months ago by my parents if I was ready for marriage, I'm 25, I said yes I am. People were starting to show interest in me, but these women showing interest were old, some of them nearing 30. Hardly any girls here in the UK around the ages of 21-23 were ready, so my mum and my aunties had enough, they decided it's just easier and less of a hassle to marry girls from back home. The families of those girls are less fussy, the girls aren't as fussy and more importantly the girls are ready at an appropriate age.
I know there are extreme cases like the person who has asked this question and precious star's too, but isn't this a sign, something needs to be done? Isn't it a sign that Muslim women in the west were shown these examples to ensure they and their parents go looking for a spouse at a much earlier age and not be so picky?
There was a documentary on TV recently about this matter and one 29 yr old Muslim girl in the west refused one guy because he was balding and another she wanted to take her time and get to know. She's 29 and not even that pretty for cying out loud, how can she be so picky about looks and then think she has all the time in the world to wait around?
This is a lesson, we must as an Ummah look out and gude our sisters, yes seek knowledge and education, but do not do it at the expense of not being able to get married. If you see a family holding back a girl when she's ready to marry, intervene, we have responsibilities and this is one of them as a Muslim to look out for fellow Muslims.
Brother your comments are well said but I even say today girls/boys shouldn’t be forced to be married everyone knows when they are ready and not. You are right in stating some are holding education first and marriage later therefore parents should be starting to look earlier proposals for their children but it is not that easy brother you can’t just throw your child away like that. Parents in countries such as pakistan, india etc will give their daughters away without a second thought even to a 70 years old man who divorced with kids. Why because they have no choice and are more disadvantage than the uk girls, there are no jobs for them, no proper healthcare system, no dignity, no rights to voice their opinions (awaaz), no qudr or izaat, of course they would prefer coming over here knowing there’s a better life here and they can escape from the miserable life they have had from the government how it is so corrupt and doesn’t have the care in the world of what its doing to its people by outcasting the poor and rich, the rich getting richer and the poor getting poorer. I know inshallah when I am married and I have a family I know when my kids are ready to get married that time will be a lot different to what we currently are facing right now ristha for decent girls will be very limited and its better to do your research on the family then rush into marriage, making sure it’s the child wanting it not the parents choice or pleasing them at least that way you are not lying to yourself. For girls it a lot of pressure either way you look at no fault of parents it is true some are picky and others aren’t, but parents wants best for both son and daughter but tend to be more protective of their daughters. Some parents I know from my own experience fear giving a rishta to the boys family because it’s a trust issue and also knowing there daughter is no longer with them and because the big fear is divorce is really high some parents do not want to do wrong or get their daughters scared of a black list that they don’t deserve as its more shame on the girls family than the boys side. Someone who has brothers and sisters in one family will understand this because that protection is always protected and once that guard is removed its gone forever you cant change the clocks back if the marriage forbids is unsuccessful. If someone in close family has had experience problems with marriage for example parents don’t get on but make it work for the sake of the kids those kids then grow up start believing without marriage and staying single is better I know this from doing my own research in other countries. But the burden on parents to marry their daughters is the guiltiness of not completing their duties as the parent sometimes I feel they should not feel bad about it and be happy that there child is healthy and normal and say alhamdulillah I have children. Sometimes we might not always agree with our parents but at the same time its no fault of theirs either that is the way its written I am certainly not going to feel sorry for myself and regret not being married when I know I have nothing to be sad about except thankful. Why cant people just have what makes them happy rather than have what everyone else has I don’t get it.
Dear John Fisher,
First of all, 30 years of age is not old. A 30 year old girl may be too old for you, but, when you are 80 and she is 85, it really won't make much of a difference. A 5-year age difference is such a small thing in the big scheme of things! Really.
Secondly, let me tell you this. I haven't had a lot of interest or proposals from the muslim community. However, regarding the inquiries I have had over the years, I can tell you this. I have never been rejected because of my university education or my chosen profession. To the contrary, both have been sources of interest by prospective suitors. Instead, I have been rejected due to my looks, my height, my age, my quiet demeanour, and details about my parents' background in Pakistan (i.e.what property do your parents still own in Pakistan? What did your grandparents do for a living?), to name a few deal breakers. In my opinion, muslim men today want an outgoing, bubbly, fair-skinned, tall, slim, cute girl who comes from "good Pakistani stock". I am short, average looking, and quiet (and frankly I am not bothered by any of these details!). My parents left Pakistan in the 1950s, and any inquiries regarding their family/wealth status in Pakistan are absolutely irrelevant!
These comments have come to me by both western-raised and eastern-raised muslims.
By contrast, my western non-muslim friends and colleagues think that I am attractive, smart, polite, and interesting, and do not understand why muslim men have not been interested in me.
I completely disagree with your comments as well as the comments by stranger.
Dear Sajjalee,
Here is a poem that i have often read to myself to soothe my own pain. I hope it helps.
PRAYER FOR EMOTIONAL HEALING
Loving God,
I come before You with faith
in Your promise
that whatever I ask for in Your name
You will grant to me if it is for the good
of my soul and in accordance
with Your Divine Will.
I come trusting in Your great love for me
and believing that only You
know what is best for me.
I come to You now to ask
that You enter my heart
and heal all my wounded emotions.
You know me better than I know myself.
Bring Your healing love
into every corner of my heart
and release all the buried
negative emotions inside
that have not been resolved
and continue to cause
me pain and anguish.
Remove all unhealed hurts
and painful memories
that block the flow of Your graces,
robbing me of Your peace, love and joy.
Heal all feelings of sadness, loneliness,
fear and anxiety.
Heal all guilt, despair,
feelings of betrayal and rejection.
Heal all feelings of anger, hatred,
resentment and bitterness.
Bring Your healing love to all my emotions
that have caused me feelings
of hopelessness, discouragement,
helplessness and despair.
Grant me the grace to forgive all those
who caused these negative
emotions and likewise to be forgiven
by those to whom I have done the same harm.
O Allah, give me a repentant heart,
forgive me for my sins
and failures, and be merciful to me.
Help me to realize the blessings
that resulted from each painful experience
and how this has led me closer to You.
As You release from me
all these painful emotions,
fill all empty spaces
with Your love, Your peace, Your joy
and the powerful presence
of Your Mercy.
After I have been healed,
may my life be a witness
to Your power and glory
and may I reach out to others, too.
Sister i love the poem thank you
Salaams Precious Star,
So nice to hear from you, thank you very much for sharing so Beautiful and Healing Poem.
I hope you had a nice holiday trip.
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
A'Salaamualikum
As a male who is 30 I can relate you, I now the goodness and weakness in me, my faults and sin and also good qualities, I see so many other people who treat women bad, have great wives yet do wrong to them, and me I am searching yet unlucky, IT kills the self esteem when you have been hurt (trying for marriage through the halaal way and not dating etc...)
I know the usual advice that test will come, and that duas may not be answered and will be granted in the hereafter etc, and Allah knows best when our time will be right and to make shukar for what we have , and Quraans advice that no soul will be burdened with more than it can handle.
Nowdays I want out, I want my soul to be at peace where it came from, This world is a test and i want out of it. Each day i awake i just exist.
Walaykum as salam AB,
Thank you for sharing. If you don´t mind I would like to talk to you a little.
Please, you are so young, DON´T GIVE UP, there are so many good, pious women out there waiting for someone to marry, if you have a minute, check this site, we all need each other to move forward, we make a difference for the others, we can improve and change the way the world is, insha´Allah.... don´t let people put you down or put dust in your Heart, shake yourself and don´t let anyone moves you from the Straight Path, KEEP SHINING till the woman that is waiting for you appears in your life, insha´Allah.
You know the way to bring HOPE to your life, moving for real, don´t listen to negative thoughts or negative people, change to positive, I did it, I do it every day, you can do it, we are human beings if I can do it, you too. Then let´s go for it, insha´Allah.
If you want to move your Energy, to bring Light and Hope to your Life,you need to take care of yourself, for this you will need to:
1. Get out of your house, wear comfortable clothes, walk, exercise, practice a martial art, you may feel like doing nothing, then I would highly recommend you to walk consciously if you have a good place to go for a walk, enjoy the place, I know that you would like to share the walk (family, friends or just alone) don´t worry about that, we are trying to learn to look at Life in a different way doing this, smell the air(good or bad) don´t worry, just life, see the different shapes and colours, is it a shining day or cloudy or rainy? if it is sunny make sure of have some sun, light of the sun brings life back, is it windy? cold or warm?, be here and now and whatever you are living at this moment enjoy it, learn to do it from Heart, and after you have done this, Alhamdulillah, one day you will have to teach this to someone, then learn well the lesson to teach it later, insha´Allah.
2. Food that is fresh, full of colours in your plate, different styles of cooking (raw, boiled, well cooked, fried, oven) you need many different kinds of energy in your food and you will learn to know which effect has on you, yes you will need this for the future, too, insha´Allah. Your food will become your medicine, insha´Allah.
If you have someone that cooks for you, pay attention to what you eat and the effect that has on you and after eating Alhamdulillah.
3. Pray, pray and pray. Go to Allah(swt) in first person, talk to Him, the All-Knower, ask for Guidance, Hope, Light, Love towards yourself, Mercy, Patience, ...whatever you feel you need. Alhamdulillah.
4. When a sensitive person meets people that is not so sensitive, the result used to be very painful for the sensitive, because many times just the way the other people is, make us feeling discomfort because we don´t feel understood. Then we need to learn tools to see people the way they are, the way that they have chosen in life and if we don´t fit with them, just let them go, .... learn what you have to learn from them, but please, be who you are called to be in this life, go for excellence, make a difference, be your best, I do believe you can do it, insha´Allah.
5. Be sure you love yourself till the point you want to Live your Life, now you are ready, you are shining full of Hope, Alhamdulillah.
May Allah(swt) fill your Heart with Love and Hope, Ameen.
All my Unconditional Respect,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Just one more thing, this is very personal, when waking up I wake up to be with Him, the first thing in my thought is a prayer to Him, the last thing at night a prayer to Him, ...I know he doesn´t need my prayers, I am conscious I need Him to wake up every morning, He is the reason why I wake up every morning, He is the reason I live everyday and I go to sleep every night, Alhamdulillah. He is the reason why I move every single muscle of my body and I breath every time I do it, and I do all of this thanks to Him, Alhamdulillah.
Go to the depths of your inner spiritual Life and Live, connect consciously with Him through your prayers, every time you pray go to His Encounter and you will feel the warmth of His Love in your Heart, go to Him walking and He will go running to you, insha´Allah.
Please, look for the Peace you long for inside of yourself with His Help, have you done Al-Fatiha with all your Heart in It? or any other Surah? Have you tried to memorize the Quran? I know it is hard work, but I have the feeling you can do it, insha´Allah. Please, forgive my words if you have already done it.
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salam str Mariam,
Thanks for ur advice today I read the quraan aftr very long n yeah I did memorize a lot of surahs
I was reading the effects of sin and feel the darkness also is my own doing. I am my
Own worst enemy. I am active wit sports
I just feel I needed a chance.
I used to find peace and happiness in the musjid and I failed when tested
Woteva u have said is true thank u for taking ur time n concern may Allah
Bless u.
Rgds n peace
Ab
WaSalaams Ab,
Thank you very much for answering.
Also what you said it is true, we are our worst enemies but the opposite is true too, wherever you find black, you will find the white, too, we are living in a world of duality and to go out of that we should look for Oneness, as you have been doing, Alhamdulillah.
Feeling darkness is a red flag to go to the Light, don´t get caught in that, acknowledge its presence but don´t give it power. Recite three times surahs 112,113, 114 at night before going to sleep, as the Prophet did, it will protect you, insha´Allah.
Good message, the peace is not in the place it is inside of yourself, you alloud yourself to be peaceful and joyful in a place, but the feelings don´t come from outside, come from your inner essence. But if it easier for you to go to the musjid, do it, could you tell me about someone that doesn´t commit mistakes or fail when tested, I don´t know anyone,...that is human nature, I don´t believe anyone wants to fail, but we need to learn lessons, take it as that, a lesson from the University of Life, you will have more options to pass the test, next time you will pass, insha´Allah and you will have to move to other lesson, insha´Allah.
All my Unconditional Respect,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I am 36 and I wish I was single with no kids. Have all the time of the world for me and go everywhere I want.
You are young and perhaps you dont have a husband because you are not happy with yourself and that is not attractive for men. Enjoy your life and your status.
No ones really said anything helpful or encouraging. I'm in my late 20's and at times it gets very lonely. I'm not too sure about what I'm missing but there is some sort of happiness or peace I feel il only get when I do get married..I/A. All my friends are married.. Sometimes I avoid their company cause I feel like a 'loser'. I had good proposals however my parents felt I was too young.. At 25 I fell Ill and spent the last 3 years trying to manage my illness. Iv gone thru major depression and ALH recovered. I come from a good wealthy background and iv been practicing since19. I'm not sure why I'm saying all this.. I just want the original poster to know be glad uhave health.. Cause when I fell ill the last thing I was worried about was marriage.. Ur priorties change. Be a lil bit more patient and ask everyone u possibly know that ur serious about marriage.. Start looking into any proposals.. Also I personally feel (no offence to any sister) itsbetter tobe single and unmarried than divorced.
Sis also u have no idea how many sisters are fighting the same battle. Cheerup And know that Allah swt has a plan for u. I probably wud of been married had I not fallen ill but it was written that I'd probably marry alot later than expected. Takecare with my duas
I just read this on a different thread
"*** Do not hasten on something for which a term is fixed, Allah alone will make your destiny manifest to you at it's appointed time.
Here is a consolation piece from a sister:
http://muslimahinprogress.blogspot.com/2011/04/theres-someone-for-everyone-or-not.html
This is not a comforting article. However, it is very to-the-point and an accurate picture of what is going on today in our human history re marriage. A big fat dose of reality helps with coming to terms with "what is" and what will likely be. No one told me all this 10, 15 years ago... I just thought if I obeyed my parents, kept reading salaat and Quran, then abra-cadabra a nice man would find his way into my life.
What this sister says is true. While miracles do happen from time to time, they happen very rarely. One option that is never encouraged, but should be, is for muslim women to look for prospective husbands amongst the mainstream non-muslim population, and then try to bring them to Islam. It doesn't always work, but sometimes it does (it didn't work for me, sadly). But I think if parents and communities were more accepting of this route, many women would have hope in a future that includes a family of their own.
This is the perfect recipe for deviating from the straight path and create a new fitnah in the name of Islam.
Stranger .... I don't understand why you quoted that link ....
I read it all and found it bogus and deviating muslim minds ..... Please don't post such articles which could cause problems later in muslim generations ..
inviting someone to Islam is creating Fitnah?
Precious star ...with all due respect , we know that you are in a bad situation but please when you write something .... try to think about it and read it couple of times . I have read some of your post and found is quite controversial and inappropriate .
Don't take my post as offensive , I am just advising you to be a bit more careful
And frankly speaking the world sex ratio is stable and I don't find any fact which proves that female population exceeds male population .
I think that the females should try more harder to find a spouse before they reach 25-28 . Crossing 30 would significantly decrease their chances of getting married .
Precious Star,
No Sister should set out to befriend a non Muslim man with the intention of marrying him and then trying to convert him. This is a very unislamic and twisted way of thinking and would do nothing but create chaos in society. What would happen in this situation would be that Muslim sisters would end up falling in love with non Muslim men. Then they would try to convert them with no guarantee that they will convert. And when they do not convert, the Muslim sisters will be be left heartbroken like yourself.
What is the sense in suggesting such an idea? There is none.
***
If a sister makes that mistake and ends up falling for a non Muslim man, then yes, I think she should direct him towards Islam and then distance herself from him. But never should one set out to intentionally do this. Its quite absurd and unIslamic.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
It would be a mistake if she dated him in the common sense of that word, and after falling in love with him approached him about Islam. It would not be a mistake if it was the other way around. many women meet their spouse in the work place, school, etc where their interactions are not laced with romance and innuendo, but remain within Islamic boundaries, and they can discuss this subject seriously. So I wouldn't go so far as to label me "twisted", "absurd" and "unIslamic". The reality is, Sister Z, you don't know a lot about my religiousity and devotion to Allah, and the extent to which I follow the Quran in my day-to-day life -- only Allah knows.
But if what you say is correct, then I guess there really is no solution to the problem of muslim women over 35 who wish to get married.
Assalam-Alaikum,
Just skimmed through few posts and this regarding sister precious star's point,
"inviting someone to Islam is creating Fitnah?"
No inviting someone to islam is not fitnah, but the means used to invite someone should be halal and right.
Some wise person once told me that for 'dawah' ends cannot justify the means. I cannot go to pubs and make friends their and then ask them to islam. Or use music or songs to call people to islam, Or use friendship with females to call them to islam. And in my limited knowledge, this also applies to islam generally.
My 2 cents.
regards,
To A Muslims Man:
You are right. I regret posting the link. Sister Nancy writes well, and I thought that some sisters might find that article to be full of empathy, but the article indeed included some suggestions that are clearly not in line with what Islam says.
To Ms. Precious Star:
Off late you have been writing comments, the tone of which to be honest suggest that you are actually annoyed with the impermissibility of marriage between a Muslim woman and a non-Muslim man. Your tone also suggests that you are annoyed and impatient with the decree with Allah.
I am not saying that accepting the decree of Allah is easy all the time. We are humans and sometimes it is really difficult. However, we need to be in control of our emotions. We need to be in control of how we react. When misfortune befalls us, and we think "Why me", and the Shaytan comes and says, "Where is the justice of your lord?"
We need to keep such thoughts in check. Why? Because when we say we have submitted to Allah, it means we have also acknowledged Him as our Creator. He owns us. Since He owns us, He can do whatever He wants with us. He makes the law for us. He gave Islam to us, and we can only say, "O Allah I hear and I submit." However, when we become uncontrollably impatient and do not control our emotions when a calamity befalls, or when we think we should have options regarding His religion, it subconsciously gives the message that Allah should act the way we want, not the way He wants. Being the lord of the Alamin, how can we even think like that? Isn't such horrible thoughts, that even can nullify our submission, is enough encouragement for us to remain happily patient over the decree of Allah?
Had Allah created us and then simply burnt us in hell, that would have been the right thing for Him. Because He owns us. Had he ordered us to abandon our houses for no reasons, that would have been just too, because He owns us.
However, Allah is the most just, and the most merciful, and He does not act that way. When we acknowledge His divinely attributes, we should also immediately accept His religion and His decree as something good for us, whether we like it or not, whether we know the reason behind it or not.
As Muslims, we believe that everything is written in the Book. Everything is predetermined. That being said, I cannot blame my qadr if I willfully choose to sin. As a person, I will have to take responsibility.
That your parents taught you that you don't have to be active and someone will fall from the sky for your hands have nothing to do with the teachings of Islam. The Messenger of Allah encouraged early marriage both for the boys and the girls. The companions of the Messenger of Allah and many classical scholars of Islam delayed their marriage only a 2-4 years since they hit puberty.
However, in our times, it has become a fashion to put off the thoughts of marriage in the name of education. When the age cross 30 years mark, and we cannot get married because of the choices we made, we immediately put the blame on others and start lamenting about the lack of acceptable spouses or about how we need to change the religion of Allah to accommodate something or subtract something, although the Deen of Allah is perfect, and needs neither addition nor subtraction.
Do not look for excuse in the deen of Allah or in the decree of Allah or in others. Rather be honest with your own soul and you will find the answer. Allah said:
"Whatever misfortune befalls you is the consequence of what your own hands have wrought. And Allah forgives many of your sins" (Al-Shooraa 42:30).
Regarding your suggestion about inviting non-Muslim men to Islam through proposing them to marry Muslim girls, as Concern has put it, dawah does not justify the means, if the means is haram. I can't simply start dating a girl in the name of calling her to Islam. If there is a split probability of ftnah, men should call men to Islam, and women should call women to Islam.
To be honest, I haven't seen the pattern that you are describing, in terms of women being unable to marry because they are educated and have careers. Every locality and community is different. Where I grew up, it is the norm for muslim girls to obtain a university education and pursue a career. Most of these girls are married and with children.
There are girls in my community who never were able to get married and have children. However, there is a lot of variability amongst these girls -- some are educated, some stayed at home after they turned 18, some are educated but chose not to pursue careers, some pursued a religious education after high school, etc. Generally, though, the educated and professional girls are snapped up pretty quickly by muslim men who are also educated and professional. It is human nature that like attracts like.
It is unfortunate that in some communities, muslim girls who are very educated are also looked down upon as a suitable wife and mother.
I always keep in mind that the first word in the Quran that was revealed to the Prophet Muhamad PBUH was "Read". The second word that was revealed was "Read". So, an educated woman -- and man, for that matter -- cannot be anything but a blessing.
Salaam,
I personally cannot see how non the one hand, a woman cannot see a male gynecologist or doctor (and needs to see a female one) and how, on the other hand, women need to remain uneducated and in the home. That does not make sense. We need females in professions - we need doctors, nurses, counsellors, teachers, writers and editors, beauticians etc.
In regards to the questioner who posted here - my sister, you are showing the symptoms of clinical depression. This is a mental condition characterized by feelings of sadness, worthlessness and despair,the best thing to do in this case is to see a counselor who will be able go help you amend your thinking so that your thoughtsbdo not bully you in this way.
Antidepressants are not magic tablets that make feelings go away, they need to be supported by cognitive training and therapy.
As impossible as it may seem to you right now, itbis essential that you find the strength in you to believe that you can recover from this emotional state and feel good about yourself and your life regardless of circumstances.
I urge you to seek a counsellor before you get worse.
Peace,
Leyla
Edtior, Islamic Answers
I am not saying that women should not be educated, but there are always non-Muslim female doctors available.
Look, it is not that we are want our sisters to remain uneducated. When we brothers educate ourselves, we need wives of equal intelligence so that we can communicate at the same level. However, what really bothers us is the rebelliousness that comes along with the educational degree in our sisters. This is a fact, but our sisters are in denial about this fact. Such denial is neither helping them, nor it is helping us.
And suppose a sister becomes a doctor, and is now earning a good salary. Men are NOT secure around women who earns more than them. This is in our gene. Why would I make my life INSECURE by willfully marrying a woman who earns more than me? I will not.
http://www.whatdomenreallythink.com/howto/woman-earning-more.php
Kindly do not bring the example of the marriage of Khadija (R) with the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ), because with such example:
(1) Our sisters want to say that such marriage can actually work, but what they forget that they are not Khadija (R), and they also forget that they neither possess Khadija (R)'s spirit of serving her husband, nor her (R) good manners. Our sisters rather bring along with their degree and wealth an inflated ego and a concealed rebelliousness.
(2) We, the brothers neither possess even a drop of the patience, forbearance and other qualities of the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ).
We brothers get the type of girl we think will make our marriage work, make us secure, accept who we are, make our life happy, and obey the God given leadership of their husband. There are plenty of such girls still available. If you the PhDs and the educated ones cannot let go your rebelliousness and ego (I know some educated sisters are really good mashallah, but majority are not), DO WHATEVER BUT PLEASE DO NOT CRY when we do not marry you. Allah is just and He gives you what you deserve.
I apologize for being blunt, but I can't take "not good enough brothers for sisters" anymore.
Mr stranger
Tell me this, what is this fun you get by rubbing salt on wounded hearts?
What kind of person are you who enjoys to pinch others when they are crying for help?
Who are you to judge so many millions of women all over the world and tell us we deserve to be unhappy and who are you to tell all the millions of women to not cry?
According to you women should find spouses and when they dont it is their fault because they decided to go on studing and should have got the preferences right?
Well then it is such a big sin for us women that we deserve to be unmarried.
Then tell me this, why are many women who never are serious about studies or careers also dont get married? I am one of them, tell me as you know soooo much what is my sin?
Again, Allah is the most merciful and most kind, he has kept the doors of tawbah open until our death, then even if according to you as the women have committed such sins of studing and doing jobs, why will they not be forgiven? Why in this case the doors of tawbah is closed?
People can go on having zena, abortions, murders, deceptions and other sins and they can have forgiveness and according to you women who are unmarried wont be given tawbah and that they must suffer and not cry as they deserve it?
Tell me this who are you tell so many women over the world all these non sense? You dont even have a human heart to understand what it feels like when someone cries.
Assalam wa alikum
What is wrong with you??? There really isn't enough men in the world for every women as predicted in the hadith.
I'm sorry if your unmarried yourself and can't find someone but your not Allah (swt) you have no right to judge. I hope insha'Allah that every women and man find happiness in their marriage and all those single find their life partner if not here as this life only a test then the next they will get their spouses in Jannah, insha'Allah sister hold firm to your religion. I hope you have changed your opinion by now its 2018.
Salaam Stranger,
Well I guess if can't be with a woman who you deem superior to yourself in some way or another - then I am sure you will find such a woman inshaAllah. But that doesn't mean that your standard rules. There may be some men who still earn more than even if the most highest paid female.
So, even if you are correct (and I am not saying that you are,or that you are not) what you have not calculated is that it doesn't matter how wealthy or educated a woman is. She may still find a man who is even wealthier or even more educated, and still feels what you describe as manly around her.
And it does not matter how poor or uneducated a man is, he is still able to find a woan who he deems a necessary standard for marriage to occur.
It may be that a male teacher may be uncomfortable with a female surgeon, however a lead surgeon may look upon the female surgeon and be fine with her.
So I think it is important to recognize at all times that everyone is different, and simply holding females back from education or work as an overall strategy may not be the best solution for these problems.
Peace,
Leyla
Editor, Islamic Answers
Dear Sajjalee
Firstly I am praying for you to meet a good husband and for you both to have a happy life together. I am in the same situation as you and I find it frustrating as for women, there seems to be a time limit upon us. I would like to address the comment made by the gentleman criticising women for putting career ahead of marriage and glibly mentioning that as it is forbidden for a muslim woman to marry a non-muslim man, then these type of women are to blame in some way for their own fate. I would like to say that women are the backbone of community and society. And an educated society is important. I didnt put my career ahead of my desire to get married, but men are not in the mood to commit these days. It is not the influence of the West or the East or anything else for that matter. It's always been the case. But men are less inclined to do so as our expectations of marriage have been raised. I look forward to, as many of my sisters muslim and non-muslim, to looking after my husband and my family ins. but - where are these men? I wish that men would realise that to have a good loyal wife beside you until your last days and a loving family is more important than chasing a dream and being desired by all women. This appears to be the problem these days. What I find ironic is that a virtuous women is less desirable than taming a wild woman. So many of my friends in their 30s are unmarried and they are morally sound. Whereas my less moral sisters are married with children and have forgotten their wild days and have become representatives of the moral highground. I hope that sound family values will return to our society without opression, and kindness and love will return to the hearts of men.
Salaams
We all know its incorrect to generalise as many comments above reffer.
I commented once above at a low point in my life, depressed. But Allah
Blessed me with positive change.
The sistaz worrying about age, I wos in ur situation n look Allah helpd me
Big lesson is patience, hope n faith in Allah
I am married now, and 'm in love with her becoz of the way she loves Allah
. She is qualified degree
Also Alimah n purda and much older thab me.
Salaam
I will share my experience,, I live in a large muslim community and for the last 6 years my family have been looking for a suitable partner. I currently work and have told potential suitors I do not want to have a career after marriage and 90% response has been they want the wife to work after marriage! When I ask the reasons it things like both parties should pay mortgage, it should be equal in case there's a divorce etc etc. even my parents are shocked. Men are too concerned with "what will happen if there's a divorce" and "mortgages and rent are too high so couples should work!" Some of these are educated men and some claimed to be religious. Also I have come across an attitude whereby older men in their late 30 early 40 only wanting to marry women in their 20s. I have a friend who told a potential suitor she did not want to work after marriage and he labelled her a "goldigger" .
Another common question I get asked by potentials; do you have your own house? How much do you earn? Why do these men want to know this information? Where are their egos? Seems real men don't exist anymore!
Also another common trend, catching on, many young Asian men having children with white women and living together sometimes marrying them a few years later when nothing else works out.seems many don't even want commitment. And when asked why they chose white women they tell you it's because they don't hassle them about marriage! Oh by the way this is not just something I have been told but is feedback from many friends aunts and even my mother.
Your comments and observations are all very valid and spot-on.
I would also add that there is a huge emphasis on looks, height and weight when it comes to Islamic introductions, especially via the family network.
A lot of the obstacles start within the family. In my experience, the parents basically cater to whatever their sons want. If they want a pretty young thing, then the family/network will only look for pretty young things. If they want a career woman or someone with an impressive education, then the family will only look for someone with that background. If they want a girl who is thin and fair skin, then the rest of us get pushed to the side.
And, if the boys have girlfriends, the parents do not punish them. All is forgiven. I've seen that in my own family, whereas if I had behaved as my brother did I would have been shunned. So I played by the rules and now I'm alone.
I think it is a systemic problem, which will continue so long as immigration becomes the main way Islam spreads in the West. Muslims bring their cultural expectations and mores with them, and mix it up with their religious practices. I wish I had a solution!
This too shall pass
Assalamu Alaikum sister
Different people go through different patches nobody's life is perfect as it seems or people pretend . I understand your worry but do not grieve. When u feel depressed think of people who are less fortunate than u like the Syrian kids. Those women figthing cancer.. the homeless sleeping in the streets.women who lost their husbands and are struggling to live. Of course Allah will test us in this world according to our ability bur if we bear patiently for the sake of Allah jannnah is a promise in sha Allah (no depression or worries there permanant comfort) even I'm depressed and still I don't know the exact reason for it. I'll pray may Allah ease your pain and mine