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I'm a 16-year old sister who has (I'm very embarassed to say this) a very ... a very high sexual drive. But my parents believe that I'm too young to get married yet.
I was a good child, I sought Allah, I prayed 5 times a day as a child and even as a teenager. I stayed up long nights reading Quran , making Dikr.. I am not a faithless or unaware person. I know I need to change, I am very lost and confused and find myself doing bad things, talking to bad people.
I am a teenager and my husband and I live separately due to family. My parents do not let me meet him incase I get pregnant. He will be leaving to go to study for 6 years. All I want is to be with him but he cannot take me. He asked me if he should stay or go...?
I like to play games. Recently I played a game in which it had some very bad scenes... I watched it accidentally.
I have a strong belief that one of these people, maybe my father's new wife, the ex-fiancee of my husband, or even my own mother have made magic on me. Mostly I believe it's my father's wife. She was not satisfied to take my father, she also wanted to make us disappear from his life. And what better way to make a mother and daughter fight every day like dogs?
I thought Allah hated me and wanted him to hurt me. Even though I know that's probably not right, I still feel that way sometimes. I feel like Allah hates me. Thats when I go back to my suicidal thoughts. I planned, but I'm too scared. Sometimes though I hurt myself without knowing because I'm just so sad.
After a few days he told me he was engaged and later that very evening confessed he loved me. Then chatting on and off for 2-3 days he said he was interested in me but since he was engaged he wanted to stop messaging. I can't get him out of my mind.
My sexual urges seem to have a lot of control over me. So, I often tend to masturbate in my bed before sleeping at night. While masturbating, I fantasize about myself having sex with a beautiful, thin woman. It gives me a lot of pleasure. Sometimes, my desires also lead me to watch animated porn videos.
He said men are promiscuous by nature and monogamous by choice. I have observed other men but I truly feel like my husband looks a lot more than most.
My question is am i being selfish for not wanting kids does it make me a bad muslim and wicked and evil? and must i be forced into being a dad even if i dont want to as some people insist i must get married it will solve all my problems when clearly that isnt always the case.