A difficult marriage
There has been fights on and off everyday since we got married. Lately my husband said "we are no longer husband and wife" twice and now he says he doesn't remember it and I want to play blame games. If I got back it's haram. Help what does Islam says about it.
mamababa
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Assalaamu Alaykum,
I can only share a similar situation that occured in my personal situation. In my previous marriage, there were a few times my ex issued a divorce to me. I remembered three of them clearly, whereas my ex only remembered two of them. We had reconciled after the last one of them. Of course I thought we had already had 3 divorces, and it was not a valid reconciliation. My ex however, thought that since we only had two previous divorces, there was one yet remaining.
We went to a Syrian mufti for a fatwa about it. He said that if the husband, in whose hand divorce is given, cannot remember a previous divorce, it doesn't count. He said when it comes to these matters the berth is given to the side of certainty, not what is doubtful. And what was certain was that there were two previous ones, but no certainty about the third.
I think it would be good for you to seek your own fatwa in this case, for peace of mind. But feel free to share the one I was given for your scholar's consideration.
Last thing, if he's only said that twice, there is still one divorce remaining if that's shown to be accurate. That means going back after a second divorce is not haram- only after the 3rd.
I think you need to ask yourself what you want to do with this marriage. Are you happy? Do you want to continue in it? Do you feel you're being treated as you deserve? While your husband may be doing some things wrong or even mistreating you, you are ultimately the one who decides what you allow in your life or not.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalam Aleykoum Sister Amy,
I have 3 questions in regards to the above post which also goes back to your personal experience and as a result help me to clarify somethings.
1. If a husband tells his wife "leave if you are not happy with this marriage".... Does this constitute divorce?
2. In the OP's case, the husband did not utter the "D" word, so I am guessing this does not constitute a divorce right?
3. In your situation, when your husband issued a divorce, was it just between the two of you? Because my understanding is that there has to be a witness to validate a divorce right?
JazakaAllah,
SisterZahriya
Assalaamu Alaykum,
I don't mind to share my thoughts, but please know these are only my thoughts with my limited understanding and do not reflect the secure view that one might obtain from a scholar.
1. I don't think the phrase "leave if you are not happy with this marriage" constitutes a divorce. It's a common phrase people use in arguments, and doesn't mean there is a divorce. Even if the other party did leave at that suggestion, leaving the marital home or any other form of leaving is still not a divorce, it's a separation. Compared with what the OP's husband said "we are no longer husband and wife", you can see that this phrase carries a definitive stance of the issuer, where telling someone to leave if they are unhappy is not definitive at all.
2. The word "divorce" is not required for a divorce to be effective. Any clear words that indicate the dissolution of the marriage, that is understood that way by the hearer, will do.The key thing is that the man has the intention of divorce when he speaks them. So even phrases like "you are no longer my wife" or "I am dividing myself from you" etc would qualify. Certainly what this OP's husband said would qualify, if he meant that at the time, and she understood it that way at the time.
When it comes to actually using the word divorce, it's important to know that the saying of the word itself does effect a divorce even if it's not meant. There is a hadith that says basically that even saying "I divorce you" in jest still is valid. So using that word is very serious, but not using it doesn't mean that there is no divorce, if the sentiment is clearly conveyed and understood by both parties involved.
3. Yes, all of my islamic divorces were without a witness (legal divorce was witnessed, of course). I have heard people say that it is better to have a witness to a divorce in case there is a discrepancy about it happening, but no, it's not required in order for it to be valid.
Like I said, this is all what I've learned informally. Scholarly opinion is much more detailed and reliable than anything I have to say, and will most likely explain positions like having witnesses. Many issues in shariah have scholars who support both views, so that's why it's better to explore the body of information coming from them and their two sides than just going by what peers say.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
JazakaAllah Sister Amy. Actually my main concern was question #1 which doesn't need a scholar to explain the meaning. I just wanted an extra opinion. Alhamdulillah, I am happy with your answer. And I am really happy to have a third person clarify my worried thoughts giving the same answer as the other two people I asked before.
JazakaAllah again 🙂
SisterZahriya
Assalamu alaykum s/Amy
Sorry ...
But i think you and both of us- need to check more on this issue of DIVORCE. This is a FIQHU issue and there are very technical terms in this subject of DIVORCE and MARRIAGE in general.
Thanks
Assalam Aleykoum Ithbat
I asked Amy for her personal opinion. I didn't ask her as a scholar. So please refrain from barraging her personal opinion. If you read her post again, she repeatedly advices both the OP and I to seek a scholar's opinion on these subjects.
SisterZahriya