Islamic marriage advice and family advice

A future wife’s bad history

Secret relationship, secret marriage

Assalamualaikum.

I am to be married to a girl within these few months. The thing that is bothering me is that the girl has slip something from her past and it keeps on rolling in my mind as she did not tell the whole story. Based on her story-telling, I have assumed she was raped by her father, which she does not want to talk about it. My question is this:

Does this type of bad past have to be told to a future husband? (I read about the previous posts regarding a sister's bad past which was her sin with her ex). As a future husband, do I have the right to know the reality of it? as I will be dealing with the father during akad and the life onward.

Really need your advice on this. Thanks.

alearningmuslim


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9 Responses »

  1. Assalam alaikum,

    If your future wife was raped by her father, she has not sinned. Most definitely she will have deep emotional scars.

    - I do not think it is wise to pry and ask her about this. In fact, if the both of you are not married, the both of you shouldn't be discussing this because there is no guarantee that you and her will marry.

    - If you can not get over this and/or you don't think you deal with this, please do her a favor and do not marry her.

    - If you decide you can marry her and move forward, perhaps you should talk to a counsellor regarding the best way to deal with this information, how to process it, and what best to do in the future if the topic arises. It could be that she may want to see a counsellor and not want to discuss any of it with you--and if that would be difficult for you to digest, than please think twice.

    - Finally, it is not a true comparison when analyzing your future wife's rape to the bad history of girl's exboyfriend. I hope that you understand.

    I pray all of the best for you and her. I hope that whatever you choose to do, do so with mercy in your heart and with a level head. May Allah make your decision clear, Ameen.

  2. Wa 'alaikumus-salaam warahmatullahi wabarakaatuh brother,

    First of all, her past is her past. If she does not want to talk about it in detail, then you should respect that. Islamically, you don't have the right to force her to tell you everything. If you are not the type that can bear it, then leave her alone without saying this is the reason behind your leaving. However, if you are the type that has no problem with her past, then marry her and be there for her. As time goes on when she develops much trusts for you or feels secured, and then feels the need to reveal an important secret to you, she will do so at the right time, inshaAllah. But for now, do not assume for yourself things she did not explicitly or clearly mention to you.

  3. Salaams,

    If her father molested her, she may still be dealing with trauma from it that could definitely affect the sexual aspects of your marriage. It will be important for you to keep that in mind, however it could be damaging and invasive to press her for details if she doesn't want to talk about it. Instead, be supportive and understanding and urge her to get professional help to deal with the pain of what may have happened to her.

    It may be difficult for you to deal with her father knowing he did this to her, which is understandable. She will have to guide you on how she wants things to go with him and you, according to her comfort level. It may be best to talk to her about that now, because if she expects something of you that you- in all good faith- cannot provide to her, then you need to be honest with her and tell her what she expects is beyond your limits to provide.

    Not every couple can deal with such a sensitive thing. You have to know what your limits are, and what your emotional strengths and weaknesses are. You need to be sure that you can be the kind of husband she needs to heal from whatever happened, and not someone who will only make it worse. Making istikhara would be beneficial to help guide you on this matter, as well.

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  4. OP: she did not tell the whole story. Based on her story-telling, I have assumed she was raped by her father

    Was she raped or molested? How old was she when it happened? How did you make her tell this story?

    Did you tell her stories about your past?

  5. i do not think that she is liable to tell you anything in detail in regards to that sad experience, she might tell you herself when she is comfortable to do so... that is another issue.

  6. Salamaikum,

    • len, wa alaykum as-salam. Please register and submit your question as a separate post, and we will answer you in turn, Insha'Allah.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  7. It is a very sad experience. And as you grow older in life, you may realize that there will be opportunities presented by life to you to help people in their lives. And sometimes, for your own sake, you will have to pick up those responsibilities. Why not be the man that one is supposed to be., esp in a relationship and direct your efforts in understanding the pain of someone who has been an important person in your life? And then do her a favor by taking her responsibility, now and forever...

    Regards.
    Uzma

  8. Bro, don't force her to tell you about her past. Unless she wants to tell you herself, marry her if you think that she is allah fearing and a humble person. And prays her salaat daily etc!

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