Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I was abandoned by my husband with our newborn baby HELP PLEASE

single mum with newborn 300x199 %photo

he's left me and my newborn to start a new life

Asalum Aleykum ,

I am a sister who converted to Islam in 2007, I met my husband  in 2006 , he introduced me to Islam. Our stories were similar  he has a seven year old boy and I have a seven year girl, he taught me a lot of good things and we were friends for a year. He was a respectful man a loving father a great man... we got married in the mosque in August 2007  but we had a lot of differences because of our traditions and don't think was because of religion.

We separated twice, he divorced me but then I found out that he didn't do a right divorce then we back together. The problem was always that I like to listen music, or celebrate American festivities even Christmas it doesn't mean it's because Jesus was born it's just a festivity for me but he always dislikes that, and also I dont pray 5 times but I used to go for Jumah in my lunch time and read the Quran and watch the Deen show.

He divorced me in September 2008 and we got back together in May 2009. We  decided to marry in court, but days before I married him, I learned from him he was in removal proceedings, I knew that but I thought I can fix that because he told me he didn't get the residence because in the interview to get the green card his wife told the officer that they are separated so the officer couldnt approve it.

But the truth was that his visa was c1 which is a transit visa so I couldn't do anything, I told him I still want to marry him, and we were happy, we decided to have a baby and we were very excited. I knew I was pregnant in the second week of Ramadan whilst I was fasting and it was our first ramadan together.

At that time he got a lot of problems with his ex wife as she wanted the sole custody of his child, I was always supporting him, also my dad moved in with us in September 2009 and it was complicated. We fought because my father made fun of Islam and I was upset and also my father made me fight with my husband many times.

I was stupid. In December 2009 he got a court order to leave the US, we tried hard to make it so that he stays here but we couldn't, and we decided that the best was to obey the decision of the court because he was planning stay. I was desvastated so I showed sometimes my anger to him saying he is gonna leave me  and get a young woman in Egypt.

Also we planned  to start the petition and wait for my citizenship ( I have my interview next week) and then I was going to Egypt with the baby in December (we didn't want to know the sex of the baby). So he left the US in February 28th.

The first week his behaviour was the same and in May after 2 months he was different.  No phone calls no emails no answers, the baby was born on May 13 with c-section and he called me and he learned she was a baby girl. I don't know why but he changed more. He called me on may 13, 14 ,15 and then no more  until May 24 then silent until June 14.

I had his home phone number,his dad's cell  phone and mom's cell phone but they always says he is not a home even at midnight, 3 am 5 am never, until on June 14 he called me saying that something's happened but I cannot ask him what. He also said  that everything is gonna be different, he loves me and wants Luciana our baby to know about Islam even that he is away,  so I didn't ask what happened. He told me also that he is never at home because his uncle is sick ?

Well that day I sent pictures and the hat the baby wore the day she was born...but on June 24 he called me to say he is confused and he is going to stay in Egypt and start a new family!!!! Just like this.

I was devastated. How he could do this to me? I breastfeed the baby and I couldn't stop crying for one day. I don't understand how someone who was so good can become someone without a heart in two months in his country around his family.

I threw away all the phone numbers, his gifts,  everything. I wrote an email saying why did you do that to me ...I never got an answer. I am by myself in the US. I am Peruvian with 2 children now and since then I don't know nothing. Please I am asking that you pray for me to find strength in Allah, because it is very hard to be alone and feel that I was used and betrayed.

Now with two kids one of them a newborn I never imagined this from him.  Now the baby has his last name,  how do I get permision to travel out of the US?  I don't know what to do. I would like to talk with his parents but I dont speak Arabic I feel desperate with no hope but alhanduliallah, Allah gives me strengh to keep my mind clear and my heart without hate.

Salam,

- Luciana


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9 Responses »

  1. Praise be to Allaah.

    Firstly:

    Islam has given men a great deal of responsibility, which is to take care of the family and to be the protector and maintainer. The man’s role in fulfilling his duties towards his family is very great, and this role requires him to be present all the time so that he can keep an eye on everything, correct mistakes and guide his young children. He is the mainstay, protector and foundation of this family.

    If a man neglects his role, that results in unjust treatment for his wife. Allaah says in a hadeeth qudsi: “O My slaves, I have forbidden injustice to Myself and I have made it haraam amongst you, so do not treat one another unjustly.” This may lead to destruction of the family and a great deal of evil may result from this separation, for both the man and the woman. Each of them may take a lover to make up for missing their spouse, for the Shaytaan exploits weak points and flows through the son of Adam like blood.

    In addition to that, think of the injustice that happens to the children as a result and the shortcoming in taking care of them that means that the woman has to work harder and play the role of both father and mother at the same time. This is something that cannot be done in most cases. We all know the status of the father and the role that he plays in the family, and what may happen when he is not there. How will the children be raised, and how much will they suffer when their father is absent from them? This is what makes children hate their fathers, because they abandoned them and did not take care of them or look after them as they should.

    Secondly:

    A man may dislike his wife and not be able to stand being with her any longer. In that case it is prescribed in sharee’ah for him either to keep her in a proper and decent manner or to let her go in a kind manner. He may not be able to keep her in a decent manner because of his intense dislike for her – for example – or for some other reason, so there remains no choice but to be frank, in a kind manner, and divorce her kindly, and give her all her rights in full.

    The woman may want to stay with him as a wife, so she may ask him to keep her and forego some of her rights over him, such as the division of his time (in the case of a plural marriage) and spending. In that case the man should agree to her request, because that will make her feel good and will mean that he is still being kind to her, especially if that will not cause him any harm or problems.

    The following verse was revealed concerning such situations (interpretation of the meaning):

    “And if a woman fears cruelty or desertion on her husband’s part, there is no sin on them both if they make terms of peace between themselves; and making peace is better. And human inner-selves are swayed by greed. But if you do good and keep away from evil, verily, Allaah is Ever Well‑Acquainted with what you do”

    ‘Aa’ishah (may Allaah be pleased with her) said – as narrated by al-Bukhaari (4910) and Muslim (3021) – that this verse was revealed concerning such situations. She said: “ ‘And if a woman fears cruelty or desertion on her husband’s part’ this refers to a woman who is married to a man who does not want to keep her any longer and wants to divorce her and marry someone else, and she says to him: ‘Keep me and do not divorce me, but marry someone else too, and you do not have to spend on me or give me a share of your time.’ This is what Allaah says: ‘there is no sin on them both if they make terms of peace between themselves; and making peace is better’.”

    Conclusion:

    It is not permissible for a man to leave his wife for so long; if he does that, then the woman has the right to refer the matter to the qaadi and ask for a divorce so as to avoid harmful consequences.

    If she chooses to be patient in the hope that Allaah will guide him and he will give up this mistreatment, there is no sin on her inshaAllaah, subject to the condition that this does not expose her to temptation because of her being away from her husband.

    As far as my opinion goes you should move on in life and look for a Religious Muslim man who will be more then willing to take care of you and your baby. I sincerely hope everything works out fine for you Inshallah.

    We ask Allaah to set the affairs of the Muslims straight and to guide them aright.

    And Allaah knows best.

  2. Salamu Aleikum,

    It is a very confusing story as the two of you didn't really abide by Islamic guidelines in your behaviour,

    but it seems to be a cultural hotchpotch as well. I'm not familiar with the laws of immigration and the

    right of abode in the US, but I think that both of you need to establish a relationship of respect

    and love. You mentioned that your problems seemed to be of cultural nature, but you said urself

    that you didn't pray Salah 5 times a day and listened to Music. The holy prophet despised music

    and said in a hadith that if music is being played in a house, the angels aren't going to enter

    that house and the prayers of that home won't be accepted by Allah. Listening to music is haram and

    may cause harm to an unborn child as well as the upbringing starts in the womb of the mother and

    the offspring listens to everything the mothers does or says.

    Celebrating Christmas is not a crime, but dear sister, think about it: Do non-Muslims celebrate

    Eid ul Fitr? There's nothing wrong with being tolerant or multi-cultural, but a Muslim should stick

    to his own customs and traditions and not imitate the behaviour of Non-Muslims as they don't imitate

    our behaviour as well. Celebrating the birth of Jesus is not wrong, but it isn't a Muslim celebration and

    it is proven that he wasn't born on 24th of December and that this used to be a pagan, pre-Roman and

    pre-Germanic custom. So please understand the importance of abiding by Shariah, it is only beneficial

    for you and your children.

    From what u wrote about your husband, he seems to act irresponsibly and probably you didn't do any

    research about him before you married him, which proves to be useful and is of utmost importance.

    Luciana is a nice name, sister, but the children in islam have rights and one of the rights is to carry a good

    Muslim name; It is of course not of my business how you name your children, but it surprised me that you

    refer to yourself as a pious Muslim and still give her a name like Luciana.

    Religious or not, Your husband, wherever he is and how weak or strong his Imaan is, is the father and

    he has duties and responsibilities, as Qu'ran says that they have authority over us, which is the authority

    of protection and care. You have 2 children, he's the father and he has to provide financial help; for the

    sake of your children, try to reconcile with him; if this is not going to happen , understand that you

    should only choose the person for faith, at least mainly. Try to find him with the help of the court or

    authorities. As I said, I'm not familiar with the legal situation. I can understand how desperate you are, but

    the situation sounds as if your whole life is a whole turmoil and very chaotic; try to establish a strucure

    and order which is very important in Islam. Try to find out what you want and decide if this man can

    and will treat you with respect and dignity. If he doesn't, think of your children and their future and

    give them a good islamic upbringing with a Muslim family father who is responsible and fears God.

    God luck for you and your children

    • Jannah, I think it would have been better to limit your reply to your last paragraph. This sister has been emotionally devastated and is trying to find a way to deal with her husband's betrayal. She needs emotional support and advice on how to find a way forward. She does not need to be criticized for every aspect of her personal life and choices, even down to her daughter's name. (By the way, can you quote the hadith that says the prayers will not be accepted from a house in which music is played - because I have never heard that before). And then you blame her for not researching her husband. It sounds like you are laying all the fault for the situation at the sister's feet.

      Here's what your answer sounds like:

      * Your life was a mess
      * You didn't pray
      * You listened to music, so your prayers are useless anyway
      * You celebrated un-Islamic holidays
      * You gave your kid a strange name
      * You didn't research your husband
      * Your life is a mess
      * Good luck

      You clearly have some Islamic knowledge sister Jannah (why so many different user names?). But you have to really think about the situation that each questioner is in and try to put yourself in their shoes, and then prioritize your advice. You have to think about the desperation of her situation and decide what is important right now. This sister has only been Muslim for a few years. Whether she was used by a Muslim man who only wanted to gain residency, or whether he was sincere but gave up on the marriage after he was repatriated to Egypt, I don't know. It sounds like she was willing to move to Egypt, which makes me think he was just using her. Either way she has been through something very hard. Betrayal and abandonment by a loved one is one of the hardest things in the world to deal with. She needs a loving hand extended, some reassurances about Islam and Muslims, some concrete advice on how to move forward, and then maybe a few words on seeking a more Islamic lifestyle in the future.

      Knowledge is good, but needs to be imparted in ways that are kind and compassionate, and needs to be prioritized, especially for new Muslims.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  3. Well, to be honest, I think that in these posts, people give so many different opinions and write so

    many things and nobdody of your editors even cares. I'm not here to quarrel with anyone

    and I accept your opinion. At the end of the day, I really accept the opinions of all people and

    I have never claimed to have knowledge, you are talking about it all the time:) Thank you.

    I think that your approach towards me is very condescending and I don't want to hear:

    But we don't want to offend you. At the end of the day, I'm a new Muslim who is currently

    studying and in Germany, we've got holidays at the moment, so I thought that it may be

    suitable to give advice, listen to people's problems...

    Why don't you attack other people who write things that may be less appropriate than my

    comments?

    I have the impression that this is getting a competition and if love , mercy and compassion were

    part of your attitude, you wouldn't approach me in such an arrogant way with the intention to

    reproach me. The sister and the other people need some piece of advice, they won't only

    make their decisions depending on the things me and you are writing.

    I'm highly disappointed by all your approaches, the others don't even care, everyone is just

    writing a post and that's it. I'm only being attacked and criticized by you and your colleagues

    which I don't understand to be frank. I'm just writing my opinion like all the others. And I'm not

    the type of person who thinks she's very interesting , I don't refer to myself as a person of

    knowledge, that's your assessment and praising oneself is Takabur . Giving advice can be done by

    everyone, I'm not an

    Ayatollah or a Scholar, just a young woman with dreams, wishes and problems like everyone

    else.

    Brother, you accuse me of not having answered with love and compassion. Telling a new Muslim

    (or person who's recently become religious) that she has a lack of knowledge, she should gain

    more knowledge about her religion and criticizing her comments on the Internet in front of the

    whole world, is that compassion? Is that love? When you accuse me of not behaving in a correct

    Islamic way and not showing Islamic akhlagh, why don't you apply it in my case? I really loved

    this website and whenever I had problems, I turned to you. But this akhlagh shows me that even if

    I may make mistakes(I have never claimed infallibility), all of you aren't one grain better than

    me. May Allah forgive me if I said anything inappropriate. I wish you all the best, and I think

    in a free world I can use as many usernames as I want. Again, why this arrogant and condes-

    cending tone? Isn't this my freedom or of anyone's business? Again, I'm not an Ayatollah or

    scholar and I have never claimed to be infallible or even to be a person of knowledge. I never

    did that.

    Insha allah the akhlagh of everyone will improve and everyone is going to be a better person with

    the help of Allah.

    PS: It is really a hadith that when people listen to Music, the angels aren't going to enter the

    house and the dua(not prayer) is not going to be accepted, narrated by the fitfth Imam Musa al

    Kadhim who referred to the Prophet Muhammad. I didn't make that up, as you were implying

    Maybe there are differences concerning the individual schools of law, but listening to Music

    isn't allowed in any school of law. And the pillars of our deen and fundaments are the same

    and shared by all of us. The jurisprudential view on music is that it's haram, at least everyone

    says that. I didn't issue any fatwa ( who am I to do so), therefore I don't understand this reaction.

    I'm highly disappointed by you, my dear brother in faith, may God bless you and even if my approach

    in this post was highly undiplomatic and I made some mistakes or hurt the feelings of anyone, insha

    allah the sister will forgive me. And concerning knowledge: I'm not even worthy of the dust the

    prophet and his beloved walked on. I'm not even the dirt under his shoes so much do I love

    this man and his knowledge.

    I'm still waiting for the day on which and your colleagues are going to treat me with the compassion you

    are asking for so passionately.

    Jazakallah

    • As-salamu alaykum dear sister. I think it's wonderful that as a new Muslim, you also want to help others ma-sha-Allah.

      I want to try to communicate with you but to be honest I find you to be a difficult person to communicate with. You are extremely defensive and you tend to overreact and make assumptions. I don't think that I attacked you at all, or that I was arrogant or condescending with you. I simply disagreed with you.

      I have been practicing Islam (and studying in my own way) for a long time, thirty years or so, and if I can advise you with one thing it would be to accept criticism without getting upset and defensive. If you make a claim about a point of Islamic law or a hadith, it is perfectly within my rights to ask you to quote the hadith, or provide the source. You should not take that as an accusation that you made it up, or get so defensive about it. Sometimes new Muslims ask me, "With so many sects and schools of thoughts, how do I know who to believe?" I tell them, stick to the Quran and authentic Sunnah, and if someone tells you something, don't be embarrassed to ask them to provide you with proof, and if they take that as an insult then that is not someone you can learn from. This is a very important point of Islamic discussion and I hope you will hear what I am saying.

      I also sometimes caution new Muslims not to get caught up in judging others according to their level of practice, or their appearance, or their adhesion to rules of fiqh. I'm not saying those things are not important, not at all, but I have noticed that sometimes new Muslims will take every rule in Islam as an absolute, and will analyze everyone according to these absolutes, not understanding that there are priorities in the deen. For example new Muslim "X" might judge a brother because he doesn't have a beard, discounting all the good that the brother has done. Or a sister might blast a new Muslimah for not wearing hijab at all times, when she is still struggling to learn salat. And I saw some of this kind of attitude in your response to the sister.

      You said, "even if my approach in this post was highly undiplomatic and I made some mistakes or hurt the feelings of anyone..." But that's exactly the point. It's true that there are times when a person has brought all his troubles on himself through bad behavior. Sometimes people write in with questions and these people themselves are guilty of abusing others. In those cases, I often use sharp language, to give the person a wake up call so that he can see the folly of his actions.

      More often, however, the questioners themselves have been the victims of abuse or betrayal, and in those cases the person does not need to have their feelings hurt by us in addition to everything they have suffered.

      You asked why we editors are picking on you and no one else. First, that's not the case. I sometimes delete comments outright and block the authors. I do that when I feel there is no redeeming value in the comments, or that the person has crossed the line of ethical or Islamic behavior. I did not do that with you because you have written many good and constructive comments, and it seems to me that you have a lot of potential in terms of your role on this website. Secondly, if it seems to you that more than one person is taking issue with your comments or your attitude, then maybe that's something for you to consider carefully, looking inward rather than kicking out a knee-jerk defensive reaction.

      I asked you about the usernames because you have used five or six, and it's odd, that's all. I don't have a policy on it, but I may have to give it some thought.

      ***

      Glory to You Allah, we praise You, we seek Your aid and we repent to You.

      May Allah reward me for whatever good I have said, and forgive me for whatever mistakes I have made.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  4. Dear Brother Wael,

    thanks for trying to communicate although I didn't start the whole thing, but never mind. . I'm neither a difficult

    person nor do I have a lack of self-criticism. I have the

    impression that you seem to create hair-splitting affairs out of nothing. When I use several user

    names, I don't think about it. I just do it. Normally, people don't give their real names on the Internet,

    there may be many reasons for it. I made that mistake at first, then I regretted it.

    As I said, my husband gave me many pet names, so I do have

    several names.:) Again, what you wrote is highly interesting, especially the personality analysis, although

    . I'm a relaxed person and like to chill in my life...... That's why I'm not defensive, but,

    I've got the right to reply to comments of others as you will probably agree.

    As I'm not a scholar and no lecturer, I don't have to give sources of hadith, that's their job and their

    duty. I'm not here to teach people on Islam, but to cite my opinion.

    Concerning my background, I'm not a classical convert, but have a half Iranian background, so I have met

    people with many different attitudes , and 1 year ago, I hardly didn't wear anything, so who am I

    to judge people on hijab and beards, my whole family has nose-jobs...... I don't care what people do. But I

    thought that this is an Islamic website, so giving Islamic advice to me means having an Islamic barometer;

    who says that I'm perfectly following all of this, I was talking about the ideal situation we all aspire to

    reach in our lives.

    Another misunderstanding: Who am I that people should learn from me? Providing sources is not

    difficult, but I'm currently in the learning phase myself. Doing research and studying Islamic history

    is everbody's own duty, nobody can take this burden of someone's shoulders. And finally, people will

    join the school of law that they think is the most appropriate for them after having completed their

    historical research. I personally don't like to judge people, it's their freedom, to be the way they are.

    We are one Ummah, one Nation, exclamation mark

    May God bless you

    Jazakallah

  5. Salaam my Sister,

    I am sorry for this abandonment that you are experiencing and I know that you have a lot of fear and anxiety in your heart right now.

    First things first - you have a situation to deal with. For now you must do your best to close off thoughts of your husband and what he did, and why he did what he did and focus on the children in front of you and the means of your survival. If you are having problems regarding travel or finance I would advise that you go to your local community centre and get information about what help is available for you and what you need to do to ensure your safety, security and well being. You must focus very hard on this, because at this moment in time feeling sad and depressed is a luxury that has to be put on hold whilst you deal with the practicalities that your husband's actions have left you with.

    If you have any friends, or family near to you I recommend that you get in touch with them and get whatever help you can as you will have a lot of organising to do, income to achieve, food for your children and so on and so forth.

    I advise that you focus firmly on establishing a level of security for yourself in some way, and then once you have secured yourself and you know that you and your children will be taken care of - then you can sit down and start to process what has happened to you emotionally.

    One last thing: you cannot seek reasons for your husband's actions. This will make you feel like you are going crazy. The truth is that you have been very unlucky in your marriage, and an unexpected calamity has befallen you. He did what he did for reasons that you will never know, for reasons that you could never predict or see coming, and it is important that you accept that there is nothing you could have said, or done differently to have achieved a different outcome. The sad truth of life is that these things happen and every single human being is capable of good and bad in equal measure and no one can control another's heart, mind or inclination to do something. Men who abandon their children are completely selfish in every single sense of the word, and it is his selfishness and self interest which has blinded him to cruelty and heartlessness of his actions. This is not about you: this is about him.

    I pray you find the comfort and security you deserve inshaAllah, and heal from this experience in the best possible way.

    Peace,

    Leyla
    Editor, Islamic Answers

  6. Luciana,

    I'm so sorry about what is going on with you! I'm an Egyptian woman myself and I was raised in the US. I did not marry an Egyptian man because I know how they can be. My husband is an American who is a convert to Islam. Please contact me, I would love to be a friend to you and maybe help you through all this. my email is jel1070@hotmail.com. This man that you are talking about is not worth the love that you gave him and may Allah punish him for what he did to you.

    Johanna

  7. Luciana,
    You can get an interpreter or go to the mosque and see if anyone knows someone who speaks Arabic. Have them speak with your in-laws about what has happened and ask them to support you financially. It is your right for him to take care of you and your children. A new mother should never be under such stress and all mothers' know that that stress goes to the suckling babies. They may not know what he has done. Also i am thinking he may have thought he could find a way to get back to you. Then discovered that he could not. He may be lost himself and feel hopeless. With what he said to you he could have just been cheating and lying. Or as it was stated above he could have been using you. There are all sorts of reasons. You will kill yourself trying to know. Go to the Mosque, go to your friends, go to your family, but you should make his family aware of his behavior. They raised him. That was their responsibility. You are his. Now theirs too.
    I know you may feel helpless and hopeless at the moment. I promise you you can get through this hard time. I was left at the airport with three children. The youngest was two. He took the money, everything we owned and even the family pets. The only thing we had left was the clothing in our suitcases and on our backs. Many men think it is so difficult for their responsibilities they just give up. They think what can I do? In the end they do wrong. It is left for the mothers' to pick up the pieces and survive.
    I am proof that you will survive. I promise you this. Take the advice and find a good Muslim man. Pray as often as you can for guidance. It is not easy. I know you will have many trust issues now. You not only will not trust men but you will have trouble trusting yourself for choosing that man. It was not of you. It was of him. Trust yourself for you did not fail you, he did. There are good men out there. Look and you will find.
    As far as leaving the U.S. and his last name being hers too. Well there is a law in some states. If a man doesn't pay to you or baby any gifts or money for a full year (starting from knowledge of pregnancy)then it is grounds to take his right as father away. That way you have total say about the baby. He has none. In U.S. law he has a responsibility to you and your baby. Also if you have not been working and he has been paying the bills then he just stops you have grounds to go after him for support money. In some states you have to pay courts for this. In some you do not. You have to go to family court house for all of these things.
    You should call the airport and ask them the rules for leaving the country. She is your baby. Your name is on the birth certificate as the mother. You have to state he abandoned you then they can tell you what you need to do next. If you are going back to your original country maybe where family is then good. But if you are trying to get to him I would advise against this. It seems he is going for a new woman. You would drag your two children to him and face emotional trauma to you and the children.
    One thing I discovered with my situation is that he tried to change me. It sounds the same for you. If you want to listen to music then do so. If you want to enjoy local festivities then do so. If you are a good person, are moral, and do no harm to others then why not. Find someone who will accept you for you. Not a man who would change everything about you. It would not be right for you to change him either. Marriage is about mutual respect, compassion, love, understanding one anothers differences, cooperation, and trust.
    Now you know why his first ex-wife wanted sole custody of their child. I would go for sole custody of your child as well.
    In the end what you do with your life is yours to choose. I hope something from what I said helps you even just a little bit. I am so sorry you are going through all of this.

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