I have sexual problems that I am afraid will affect my marriage plus I can’t cook or clean
All my life, since puberty, I never experienced any sexual desires or feelings or felt anything pleasurable in my body. I don't know why this is. I never sought help in the past because I didn't recognize I was different from others. Now, I went to the gynecologist since I am married and want to be close with my husband, and the gynecologist said physically everything is normal. If that is true, why don't I feel anything sexually?
When my husband touches me, why don't I get aroused? Also, he can't penetrate me either because I won't allow him to have sex with me because I am afraid it will hurt. I don't feel anything when I touch my clitoris either which is supposed to be a pleasurable spot for sexual enjoyment in women.
Why is Allah punishing me like this? I am afraid I will lose my husband since sex is a big part in a marriage. He might get fed up with this, and walk out on me. I'm so scared. Also, I can't clean or cook and I'm afraid I would lose him for those reasons. I am not working so I would be a housewife but I am not a good housewife.
What should I do? I have prayed to Allah so many times, but nothing has changed for me. I am at a lost and sometimes consider suicide even though I know it's haraam. What should I do? I am so scared.
- islamicgirl28
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islamicgirl, As-salamu alaykum,
One common cause of lack of sexual response in women (especially woman from certain Arab countries) is the haram practice of "female circumcision" or Female Genital Mutilation as it is also called. But since your gynecologist says that physically you are normal, I will assume that you have not been subjected to that procedure.
I assume also that you are not suffering from vaginismus, which is a condition that prevents some women from engaging in any form of vaginal penetration, including sexual intercourse, insertion of tampons, and the penetration involved in gynecological examinations. Vaginismus is the result of a conditioned reflex of the pubococcygeus muscle, which is sometimes referred to as the "PC muscle". The reflex causes the muscles in the vagina to tense suddenly, which makes any kind of vaginal penetration—including sexual intercourse—painful or impossible.
If you are physically healthy, that means your problem is psychological and that you are suffering from what is sometimes called frigidity, or fear of intercourse.
Often this is caused by abuse or trauma in childhood. If this is the case in your situation, then you may need counseling by a psychologist to deal with the trauma and get past it.
If you were repeatedly told when you were growing up that sex is bad, dirty or shameful, then this could also be the cause of your current lack of interest in sex. Again, you should see a counselor to help you deal with this.
***
Another problem could be that your husband was in a hurry and tried to penetrate you prematurely, without getting you stimulated first. In that case it was probably painful, and that would make you afraid of trying it again. This is a common problem.
About sex: every woman's body is different. Yes, from what I have read most women respond to clitoral stimulation, but there are women who do not. Maybe you and your husband just need to be more patient and take the time to discover your points of stimulation. You should both engage in extensive foreplay before attempting intercourse. In fact, try having sex without intercourse for a few weeks. You can kiss, caress, touch each other in various places. You can use a sexual lubricant (baby oil is fine) and stimulate your husband with your hand to give him relief. Then let him try using some oil on his finger and inserting only his finger inside you. If that works, you can try two fingers. If you have no problem with that, try intercourse and use plenty of lube to make it easy. There are specialized sexual lubricants available in the drugstore that increase blood flow and add stimulation, but if you're embarrassed to purchase those then don't be afraid to keep a simple bottle of baby oil on the bedside table. There's nothing shameful about it and it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. Some women lubricate less than others in which case intercourse would be painful without the added lubricant.
Insha'Allah these techniques will help. And as I said, if you suspect that there is some underlying childhood trauma behind your problem, don't hesitate to see a psychologist.
***
You said you also cannot clean or cook. Why is that? Do you mean that you don't know how? If so, that's a problem that can be solved easily Insha'Allah. If you have a friend who is good at cleaning, she can show you what she does. And maybe you can take some cooking classes.
At the risk of raising stereotypes, most Muslim girls learn these skills growing up. My daughter is only four and she loves to help her Nena cook and clean. She thinks it's fun. The fact that you don't have these skills is another indicator that maybe you had an abnormal or unstable childhood, so again I wonder if your fear of intercourse has roots in some childhood issues.
You must stop thinking that Allah is punishing you. You are suffering from a problem that needs treatment. It is not a curse or a punishment. Actually, Islam tells us that physical ailments are a blessing from Allah, because they are a cause of forgiveness of sins. Aisha, the Prophet’s wife (Pbuh), quotes him as saying: “For any adversity a Muslim suffers, Allah erases some of his sins, even though it may be no more than a thorn pricking him”. (Related by Al-Bukhari). Another version of this Hadith is also related by Al-Bukhari on the authority of two of the Prophet’s (Pbuh) companions, namely, Abu Saeed Al-Khudri and Abu Hurairah who quote him as saying: “Whatever befalls a Muslim of exhaustion, illness, worry, grief, nuisance or trouble, even though it may be no more than a prick of a thorn, earns him forgiveness by Allah of some of his sins.”
So your notion that your problem is a punishment from Allah is completely wrong.
Lastly, please do away with these thoughts of suicide. Sister, don't you know that we have Muslim brothers in sisters in places like Palestine, Chechnya, Iraq, Bosnia and East Turkestan (China) who have been tortured by police, had family members killed, suffered through extreme poverty and starvation, and yet they are patient and they keep their faith in Allah? How can you speak of suicide over a matter like this? We are Muslims, suicide is not our way. It is a serious sin. Do you want to compound your problem by ruining your aakhirah and earning the anger and disappointment of Allah as well? People imagine that if they kill themselves their suffering will end, when in reality their souls will be torn violently from their bodies and they will face much worse torment and suffering as a punishment for usurping Allah's right.
As far as suicidal thoughts, it may help you to read this piece that I wrote:
Suicide in Islam
I wish you the best.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Nadheerah, your comment to this sister was insensitive and rude. I removed it and I am placing you on moderated status. Your comments will appear only after being screened by the editors.
To all readers, I have had enough of rude comments on this website, and I'm not going to allow it. Comments can be critical but must be constructively so, and must show compassion to someone who is suffering and confused.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaam,
May Allah give you comfort and ease your stress during this difficult time.
If physically there are no issues, then it is has to be an issue of the mind. Is there something that may have caused you to not find being intimate with a man arousing?
There is only one thing you can do, talk with your husband. Who knows maybe, maybe just maybe if you can talk to him you'll start to find the problem deteriorates,
We shall pray for you, that your problem goes away and that you may enjoy life with your husband and he with you. Insha'allah.
Dear islamicgirl28
I pray you get through this difficult time and overcome your issue.
Why don’t you talk to your husband you will feel much better not all women are the same but it sounds to me you might be better going to see a professional to outline your deepest worries, anxiety and problem you are feeling. To be honest most women do suffer this problem you are not alone in this. As for cooking you could always invite your friends/family and learn a few recipes off them or buy some wonderful cookery books. Why not try making something sweet for your husband like trifle, rainbow rice or try cooking easy things like, somsoes, chicken or lamb tikkha kebabs, brown rice, pasta with tomatoes sauce, fish masala with naan bread. Learning bit by bit you will pick it up as remember it will come naturally to you once you learn practice makes sense. Good luck w/salaams
Assalam O Alaikum sister "Islamicgirl28"
Sorry to hear about your situation and I pray to Allah Almighty to ease your troubles and sufferings. Although, I doubt there could be any better solution than the one given by brother "Wael". I was just wondering how is your husband responding to all this situation. I mean how is his behaviour to you when you are suffering from all this on your own. Is he any help to you, like is he understandable and helping you overcome all this. Remember sister, marriage is not about only sex, cooking, cleaning or just being in a relationship just because its been happening since Adam and Eve but its a mutual bond between the two people of opposite sex who stand by each other through every thick and thin. As far as sex goes its no doubt about full filling physical and psychological needs but is also about increasing the Ummah by making your children best human beings and Momins whom not only the society can benefit in many different ways but also live there lives according the teachings of Islam.
As far as cooking and cleaning goes sister, girls learn this at a very young age from their mothers, elder sisters or any other family member or friend. If you couldn't learn at that stage due to any reasons, then it's never to late to learn and like brother Wael said, you can still learn from your mother, sisters, friends etc. Only thing is that your intentions are pure and sincere that you really want to learn. In the mean time, your husband should support you and should help you in all the possible ways he can both with your emotional and physical (sexual issues) problems and should be patient and try different things. You both should take time to understand each other.
@Sister Nadeerah,
Sister, I can't say anything but I was shocked to see your remarks/reply about the sister especially because they were from a women to women. Marriage is a beautiful relationship where both partners support each other. A guy shouldn't marry a girl just because she can cook, clean, good looking, or good for ............... etc. Cooking, cleaning or other household chores do matter definitely but a husband should be understanding of deficiencies of his wife and help her to improve and learn things she doesn't know which she is supposed to know. The only problem I think is when wife is not willing to learn anything at all.
Also, a husband should not leave his wife because she doesn't feel intimate or don't give him physical pleasures(when she is going through a trauma and without knowing the underlying problems) and go out and marry other women. Off course if there are any other reasons like if she is involved with someone else at physical or mental level then he has the right to take extreme action like leaving her and marrying someone else, even then they should negotiate and then if nothing works then get separated.
@brother wael, excellent answer brother.
hey i remember when i first got married, i had such low self-esteem, i was always looking at what's wrong with me as a wife. the list included things you are mentioning. br. wael has given good advice. i agree that there could be some childhood sexual abuse direct/indirect trauma. for me, it was witnessing sexual abuse that was so traumatic that i was depressed and couldn't feel much. i would think of the relative that was abused , and not feel anything with my husband. as the brother mentioned, just play around with each other without penetration, inshallah slowly things will be okay.
many women are just afraid of penetration itself. 11 pound babies come out of that very same place! if you were able to have a gynecological exam you without too much fear/hesitation, it shouldn't be too much of a problem. i remember my very first visit with a gynecologist, let's just say the exam never happened, i was terrified! you can imagine my groom's frustration. lol.
as for cooking, practice, practice, practice. i loved cooking even before marriage, but my husband being raised somewhere different meant his tastes were much different. i went online, and found recipe websites, and cooked and cooked until he was a happy customer! it also helps to actually watch someone cook in front of you. i know women who couldn't cook great when they got married, but are good cooks now.
i don't know what about cleaning makes you feel that you are not good at it. nobody likes to clean, but we all have to do it.
i feel like all these worries you have are coming from either you being told such things about yourself, worry about your husband not liking you/leaving you, or low self-esteem. look if he is telling you such things about yourself, then the guy is always going to have something to complain about, and that's just how he is probably with others as well. you can become the champion chef or the greatest cleaner, but he will always find something wrong. i know what i'm talking about. sex is a natural drive/need, and eventually that is something that won't need fixing, you are going to be okay.
you are lovable, you are beautiful, and you have areas of strength. just the fact that you are concerned about these things shows that you are concerned about pleasing your husband. that makes you a great wife. i have seen a beautiful, charming woman who was an excellent cook and not shy to mention such facts about herself like her beauty and cooking abilities to intentionally make herself look superior. did her husband like her? he hated her! she was mean, mean, mean. she only cared about herself and not him or his needs. you are mashallah caring, that alone is a great quality in a wife. and if anyone is unsatisfied or not nice to you after you trying your best and being caring and loving, then it's their problem and not you.
all you have to do is try your best, no one is good at everything.
Loved your advice and totally agree what you saying to sister's reply
Salaam alaikum dear sister,
Masha'Allah others, especially brother wail, has said pretty much everything I wanted to but just to add somethign from a sisters perspective -
dont worry, you are NOT the only person going through this. Its very common for a lot of women, especially perhaps those who were not brought up in the west, to not really have sexual desires. I know in our culture its actually seen as 'something bad' even if a woman is known of having 'sexual desires'..its thought of something that is only for men who women should...just take it! Of course that is rediculous and the correct and natural way is that both feel pleasure but for women, that pleasure surely doesnt come from the beginning like it does for men.
We have to go through some pain to get to a point where sex can finally be something 'pleasurable' and not 'torture' lol..
Work on it, with ur husband together. In the beginning a woman may need hours of stimulation and say this to your husband if you have to, he needs to know.
If you try everything and you see its absolutely impossible for you to have any sexual feelings then something is wrong and you definitely need to see a doctor about it. You may need to take some pills to increase libido to kick start the feelings for you.... and also think about changing your diet to things that are linked to high libido and avoid ones that kill it?
Of course physical intimacy is a big part of marriage and I can sense how its killing the relationship and upsetting you but do dua and make whatever effort u can to help the situation and inshallah know that it will change.
May Allah (swt) help you, ameen.
Assalam alaykom
Sobhan Allah, i have the same problem!!
Ive been married and i couldnt succeed to have interocurse with my husband..
la hwala wala quwata illa bi Allah 
Im a big korba!!!
pray for me brothers and sisters..
i ask ALlaah to remove your distress and make your maraige an enjoyable one
This may be strange to say, but shortly before my older sister and husband got married, my sister confessed that she is an awful cook (and she was). She was a poor judge of what spices or herbs a dish needs, frequently did incorrect measurements, and sometimes even forgot food on the stove! Of course my brother-in-law laughed it off, and bought her a few cookbooks as a present.
Her cooking didn't improve, and her husband got annoyed after a few months and, wondering what was so difficult about it, tried to cook a meal on his own. Not only did he make a fantastic dinner, but he enjoyed himself. He even convinced my sister to take some cooking classes, and they prepare their meals together- and when my parents (who originally were annoyed at a husband cooking) and I visit, we can tell by the taste of the food that two people, and not one person, put their energy into the dish.
Many Muslims we have met are uncomfortable with this, and this may be because my parents have lived in the United States since they were young, and are used to less conservative ways. But there is a benefit in marriage to let the husband do what he is good at and the wife do what she is good at, and to know that not all wives may be good at cooking, and not all husbands may be as overly dominant as men often are. (When my sister was a teenager she fell gravely ill, and though my father tried to keep his composure, it was my mother who was able to be calm and brave and keep our faith in Allah strong.)
If your cooking still is bad, try a crock pot or slow cooker.
Good luck!
What a great story, thank you.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Asalamu Alykum.
I am 23-year-old male. I think i am worst human to be born on earth. i have done horrendous, greatest, biggest sins. Now, i am suffering from their consequences. I indulged in masturbation excessively without fearing Almighty. i am not yet married. I stopped masturbating also and praying salat. But i am feeling burden of it. i feel like i cannot escape from this burden. i am having daily nocturnal emmissions causing great distress to me. now, i am just a death body with just breathing. i am seriously considering suicide. May Allah forgive me for what i have done. O Allah, indeed you are merciful, forgive me.
Brother,
Why are you despairing? Do you not believe Allah when He(swt) says: "O My servants who have transgressed against their own souls, despair not of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Truly, He is Most Forgiving, Most Merciful". (Surah az-Zumar 39:53)
In a hadith Qudsi, He(swt) also says: "O son of Adam, as long as you call upon Me and put your hope in Me, I have forgiven you for what you have done and I do not mind. O son of Adam, if your sins were to reach the clouds of the sky and then you would seek My forgiveness, I would forgive you. O son of Adam, if you were to come to Me with sins that are close to filling the earth and then you would meet Me without ascribing any partners with Me, I would certainly bring to you forgiveness close to filling it."
Allah(swt) further says: "And whoever does a wrong or wrongs himself, but then seeks forgiveness from Allah, he will find Allah forgiving and merciful". (Surat an-Nisaa 4:110) And: "And seek Allahs forgiveness. Certainly, Allah is Forgiving, Merciful". (Surat al-Muzzammil 73:20)
Brother - no sin of yours or mine is greater than Allah's Mercy. Just turn back to him, its ok. Alhumdulillah you have stopped masturbating, this is something you have done for the sake of Allah - this would be pleasing to Allah. And as for 'Nocturnal emmission', it is common during adolescence and early young adult years, so do not feel guilty about this, this is normal for young men. If you find that this has happened to you upon waking up, just do ghusl - and there is so much reward in doing ghusl.
Bro, Speak to Allah. He(swt) knows how you feel and He(swt) also knows how much you are struggling to become nearer to Him(swt). If you still feel suicidal, I recommend you speaking to a counsellor to help you overcome these feelings of guilt.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor