Am I Allowed to Masturbate as My Wife does not get Intimate with Me?
Wife Denies Sex
Asslam o Alaikum....
I am a married man, married since last ten years, God gifted me two beautiful children, from the very first night my wife is not interested in bed meeting, believe me even at first night she did not allow me to touch her, at that time i can understand her situation so i cooperated with her, at the moment we are sleeping separately since long.
As a male i have sex desire which is not full filled by my wife, when ever i ask her to please join me she usually reply me with excuses that, she is tired, suffering from headache, feeling not well etc. i often feel i am begging her for my satisfaction, apart from bed relations she is very good wife, educated and well mannered know how to deal with others in-laws persons. performs Salah, Roza, pays ziqat . She likes me, her family also praise my handsomeness,
Two or three times i asked her if she has any sexual problem with me or i discussed with her about her sexual behavior, but she did not change and allowed me to have sex with my girl friend if i have. i don't have girl friend.
At the moment i am in Dubai looking for job, and sexually frustrated, I discuss my situation with her she asked me that you have lot of choices in Dubai to fulfill your desire. Is this thing permitted in Islam that a wife allows her husband to fulfill his desire by any means. I am afraid of God what will happen if i masturbate, or went to a girl for paid sex. My question is, In this situation is masturbation allowed or not.
Please guide me what i should have to do in this situation.
Regards
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Assalamu'alaikum wa Rahmatullah,
Supposing all you said is true, your wife is a strange woman. No woman likes to see her man with another woman, and she wants you to do zina? La Hawla Wa La Quwwata illa Billah!
Obviously, she must be having some problem or she must be uncomfortable with any sexual relation with you, or she must be having some feeling which you may not be aware of.
In such cases, the immediate advise I would offer is to marry another woman as your second wife, while keeping good and equitable relations with both. But financial, mental and physical capabilities are important to consider the second marriage. You are looking for a job, so I am not sure if you can manage to take care of another wife while taking good care of the first one and her children. So, get a job soon and evaluate your capability to marry a second time.
Also sit down with your wife and calmly try to discuss if anything is wrong, so that you can help her.
It is Ramadan, forget about masturbation. For other times, I don't want to bear the sin by saying it is allowed, but there are ulama who have said it is allowed as the last resort. That is, to avoid zina; meaning if you don't do it, you would do zina to fulfill your desire, which is a greater sin that can take a person to the hell. However, in general, most ulama say it is haraam as it is a tool of zina in itself. May Allah Take us into His Protection against this act.
Abu Abdul Bari
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
This is a great problem, you are now in the helm of difficulties where neither you can get rid of it due to your children not you would like to continue with it as it is, masterbation will ultimately harm you and will become a disease which you wouldn't be be able to cure it and later you wouldn't be able to stop or live without having practiced it as and when required. So the best option is her treatment if she gets well all fine for that you may discuss with a female doctor tell her by yourself to treat her medically and psychologically both
You guys need to see a sex therapist to rule out any medical or psychological cause. She could have been abused as child.It will be better if she also goes to the doctor alone.
Thoughts about having sex may be making her ill. She may have been programmed to think sex is the dirtiest thing in the world. Is she from a country where female circumcision is practiced?
If she was subjected to some kind of FMG, she definitely need to see a doctor to see any possibility re-innervation may help.
SVS is correct. Women who have undergone FGM, sometimes called female circumcision, may find intercourse painful or unpleasant.
Assalaamualaikam
Something seems very strange in this situation. I wonder if there may be a deeper reason why your wife is not keen to have sex.
It might be worth having a discussion with her about how much this is affecting your relationship, and explain that you are concerned for her. From the tone of your post, you come across as a decent man who wants to do the right thing, so tell her that you are worried and want to support her. There are a number of reasons why a woman may not be keen to have sex, including physical and psychological causes - for example, if sexual intercourse is uncomfortable or brings back unpleasant memories, a person may well avoid it; or conditions such as depression can cause a loss of desire for sex. Maybe suggest that she speaks with a (female!) doctor about the issue, as she might not feel comfortable talking with you about it.
If there really isn't an underlying cause, and your wife is supportive of the idea of you fulfilling your desires elsewhere, it may be worth considering whether you would be in a position to take a second wife. There are lots of challenges associated with this, so don't rush into anything, but it is an option that can be considered.
Most scholars advise against masturbation, and as it's Ramadan we should be trying to control our urges anyway, so I wouldn't recommend this. If you look at the archives of this site, as well, you'll see lots of posts from brothers and sisters who have run into significant problems and distress as a consequence of masturbation becoming a key part of their lives, so try to avoid getting into the habit.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
good advice here! ask her to go to the Imam or a reliable Muslim third party. If you can't get her to be with you, then Islam says you can have a second wife....but you are supposed to treat them equally.
What if a man can't do it what options a wife has in Islam?
She can divorce him.
Divorce her and get a new wife.
2nd marriage might help u.. discuss with ur wife 1st.. its allowed for in ur case...
(Comment has been removed. - IslamicAnswers.com Editor)
Excuse me brother....do you know anything about women?
If you beat her she will hate you even more and will never come near you with a ten foot pole let alone have sex with you! Please don't suggest abusing a woman and then raping her.
Brother, what happened to romancing a woman, getting her flowers, making her dinner, getting a hot bath ready for her, etc etc...do something nice for her...Please DO NOT BEAT HER.
If you live apart, how long has this been going on? Maybe she us unhappy about something else and cannot trust you sexually.
Women don't have intimate relations when they are unhappy with you, try to romance her, take care of her, give her a massage, get creative brother and be with her and spend time. Distance is a killer to intimacy.
If she is not cooperative do get councelling but don't abuse.
This is an outrageous statement for which you have not provided any evidence. I would challenge you bring forth some evidence where the Prophet suggested beating wives in order to engage in intimate relations with them.
It is extremely saddening to read this and to know that some men would consider this as an option.
I agreed, but what will happen to my children, in our society second mother treats her step children very badly....i am afraid....i did my best to console her, my wife is very cooperative in all aspects of life like cooking, caring of my parents, sisters my children never taunt me in my bad financial condition, she is only bad in bed, why i cant understand, and that thing makes me crazy.....
Assalam alaikum Brother,
I do not suggest that you divorce your wife because it seems that there are many good qualities, but she is not connecting with you intimately.
I don't want to draw any conclusions, but have you considered the both of you going to counselling OR her seeing a female Muslim counsellor?--perhaps this could open up a discussion with her and send her a very strong message regarding your needs. Maybe she needs to hear this from another party.
I don't think you should jump to divorce or a 2nd marriage, but I also don't think you should have to suffer like this either. The main problem is that she doesn't understand and this needs to be communicated to her in a way that she understands and a female Muslim counsellor may be able to do that inn shaa Allah.
May Allah ease your difficulties, Ameen.
1- Advice your wife to see a female doctor alone, without you.
2- Your second wife could live separately, in a different home away from your first wife and children.
3- When you search for a second wife, make sure you choose the one with deen and good character like your first wife, or better.
The brother is already in a precarious financial situation and you are encouraging him to marry a second wife? Nazubillah min zaliq.
If he was looking for his first wife then even then I would tell him to not get married until he is financially capable.
Look zuh, don't listen to these people telling you to go for second marriage, because you have to be financially capable to support two families.
If not, then you will come on the Day of Judgement with one side of your body leaning against the other. And these people here giving you wrong advice won't be of any help to you.
Anyways here is a fatwa on polygamy.
http://askthescholar.com/question-details.aspx?qstID=2016
Question:
I am a 37 year old male married with 4 kids. I live in Canada but I want to be polygamous. Doesn't God's law over-rule Canadian law? Also doesn't my wife have to accept this as part of me?
Answer:
Marrying more than one wife is not a permission granted to everyone, for Allah says:"If you cannot be just then only one." So you should ask yourself the question: am I being just to my wife by taking a second wife? Justice has many dimensions. One of the most important one is to be able to fulfil your responsibilities as a husband and as a father. Based on my decades long experience in marital counseling in Canada, I don't think even a man who has one wife and 4 kids (by the way, I am a father of four) can do justice to them in this society, given the nature of work and stress one has to go through life here. Before you claim your rights, you need to ask yourself whether you have fulfilled your duties towards your existing wife and children. If you take time to think this issue carefully, you will realize that marrying more than one wife in a milieu and culture like ours in Canada is indeed a challenge that most people cannot handle.
Secondly, Islam teaches us that we have to be true to the terms of our marriage contract. And the Prophet, peace be upon him, said, 'there is nothing more worthy of observance than the terms of one's marriage". It is known that by terms he did not mean simply written contracts; they also include those conditions or terms that are simply assumed or taken granted in a particular culture or milieu. Now if, prior to marrying your wife, you had told her that you will be exercising the option of marrying a second wife, would she have agreed to marry you? If she wouldn't have, then you are bound by that tacit agreement. You cannot marry a second one now without her permission.
Finally, Islam does not say marrying more than one wife is a religious requirement; rather it is simply an exception. So practicing polygamy is not a religious duty in Islam. In other words, you can still be a Muslim without taking a second wife. Furthermore, as Muslims, we are also bound to obey the laws of the land as long as they are not opposed to our religious requirements.
AsSalaamu Alaikum Brother Ubaidullah,
I am sorry but I think you misunderstood my point, but no problem, I will explain, inshaAllah.
Previously (above) the brother was advised by brother Abu Abdul Bari and others, to get a job soon and evaluate his capability to marry a second time, and then he responded by saying he has agreed, except that he is afraid that his second wife might treat his children badly, so my advice was for him to see other options that could prevent his second wife from treating his children badly.
However, my first advice was to work on his first wife with a female doctor first, before moving to the second and third option, if necessary (and if he is capable of course).
Maybe she likes girls?
Get her mind into the game. Don't ask her verbally be persistent in trying to get in in silence. women don't like talks about sexual stuff specially straight forward one's. unless you're being a little indirect and throwing hints - don't ask. Just go for it. Always, try to think of what leads to sex. for example: start by giving her massage and work your way to it. build a sense of comfort in her.
Don't ever ask - Can we today? or Can we tonight? why are you never interested? Don't! that's a turn off to her.
Salam alaikum. Since she loves u & cares for u, i think u need to play with her a lot and show her appreciation for all she does for ur sake and Allah's sake, then a more responsive side of her will emerge, insha Allah.
i feel, that there must be some problem between u and ur wife,, have she ever discussed her feelings with u? about what she actually wants from u? may be u have failed to prove urself to be a good huband to her. u have mentioned that she has all qualitiies like..she followes islam, offers salah, takescare of ur children and family wel ...but u havent mentioned have u fulfilled ur own duties as a huband??
a muslim woman must know its a basic right of her husband to have her for his pleasure whenever he wants. does she know her this wel? have u ever talk to her and asked her?
if even knowing this, she is not caring for this at all then definitely she is upset with u on some issue.. may be
just sort out what is that which makes her staying away from u?
and plz i will never suggest a second marriage. second marriage will give rise to thousands of other upsetting issues. and already u r frustrated. as u r happily married with 2children. may Allah bless ur family.. u have no idea..2nd wife will not just stay quiet fulfilling ur sexual desires..she will demand for her rights..a house, and after sometime if she give birth to ur child, she will demand ur full attention to herself and her child.... u will be hanging in between two families.. this will create lots of such isssues
Good. mashallah, very impresive and easily undrstandable answers. Keep it up..
Hmmmmm..
Best Answer: You are allowed to only have relationship with your spouse and only allowed to see the flesh of your spouse. You are not allowed to have relationship with others you are not married or see their bodies or stare at them. So how can you justify seeing many stark naked people and also watch them perform explicit sexual acts when you are only allowed this with your spouse. You are not just staring at someone you are not supposed to you are doing MUCH more than that. When you have relationship within the marriage this is blessed. Why would you have a relationship then outside marriage and miss out on the blessing and do what s forbidden. If you feel tempted to this is why marriage is recommended early. Everything should be in moderation and spiritually speaking within the permisable limits. If you gorge yourself then you are abusing yourself .. and this goes for sexuality too.. we are spirtiual beings in a temporary body and we would be corrupting our soul if we don t follow the guidance and exceed the limits. Porn now is so normal and common that even children are initiated and hypnotised into adulterous sexual addiction. Porn is a promotion of what is forbidden in the scriptures. Don t you believe that everything happens by the will of allah? Quran 6.059 YUSUFALI: With Him are the keys of the unseen, the treasures that none knoweth but He. He knoweth whatever there is on the earth and in the sea. Not a leaf doth fall but with His knowledge: there is not a grain in the darkness (or depths) of the earth, nor anything fresh or dry (green or withered), but is (inscribed) in a record clear (to those who can read). So it is by allah s will that you see it.