Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Husband gets angry over small things, need help with marriage.

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Assalamualaikum w.b. everyone,

I am muslimah. I have been married for 5 years. It is a love marriage. I don't know what else to say about my marriage except that I have been crying my eyes out so often these years. I don't know where to start. I used to think that I was so lucky to have found a man who adores me and loves me for who I am. But things turned sour after the marriage.

I am actually a very simple girl. I don't get jealous when I see other wives getting expensive gifts from their husbands. I want simple things in a marriage. Due consideration, mutual respect, courtesy towards each other. My husband has done his obligatory duties, providing food, shelter for me and I am thankful to HIM for all that we are blessed with.  But lately he has been using this as an excuse whenever we argue. I used to accept that it is because he is under tremendous pressure that why he blows up. But yesterday's blow up really affected me and I don't think I can continue with this marriage.

I am not saying that I am not at fault, but thinking about it, the stuff that I have done, are not good excuses for him to abuse me mentally and emotionally. There are incidents when he has raised his hands at me ( I asked him repeatedly to turn off the tv and solat and he slapped me hard.) I fought back too. To this day we have never prayed together as husband and wife. I cry when I think about it. I don't know why I am denied this joy. He has told me he is not sure about the prayers and I bought him dvds and books but these tools are shelved somewhere in the room collecting dust even though I have invited him numerous times to go over these tools to brush up his salat. I had even downloaded the lecture "Why do you not pray?" by Yusuf Idris. There was a bit of change and then nothing. I have been waiting for the day when he takes up the role of Imam in our house but sadly I don't think this will happen. I am the only one currently praying in our house.

I also cannot take it when he starts yelling at me. It is over the most slightest of things like forgetting to switch off the power and he fires away. Over the years, he has repeatedly told me that it is easy for him to find someone else, I am a useless piece of s***, I should get my fat a** out the door and get a job, he can find comfort and have children with other women, nobody loves me and yes one time he called me a prostitute. All these have taken considerable toll on me. I have threatened suicide at times because of all the horrible things he has said. He will tell me he's sorry and that he was angry and that he didn't mean it. And also that I should not take it personally. How can I not when my husband tells me all these things? He will change his mind about me finding a job because he says he can support me. I know that is correct because he is earning a lot. It was the reason why he told me to stop working and so I did.

I have told him that what I did (usually forgetting my keys and not switching off switches) is nothing compared to what he put me through. I caught him with a packet of marijuana and he was charged for drink driving amongst other things. I tell him that I have forgiven him for these things why can't he let go of the small things and move on? He tells me is because he is paying the bills. I have to tell him time and time again, I am human, please forgive me and then he goes on his tirade. I feel degraded and sub human at the end of it all. I feel depressed. I don't feel like a wife. I feel that he doesn't see me as a wife. I feel that he sees me a leech on his life. Believe me, it feels downright rotten when the person you love looks at you that way.

I don't even go out much. I go to my parent's place and the market at most. He will say things like he'll take me here and there but it never happens. I have been very patient. Its a running joke. There's a beautiful park I've been meaning to go to with him for a year but he will simply push it aside. I know business is stressful but this is a joke. Even time at home with him has been like walking on eggshells. I am jittery and afraid and most of all, tired of being in the same position all the time, crying uncontrollably because of all the things he said.

We talk about having kids and he agrees that he wants to have kids but when it comes to it he will be watching movies throughout the night and I will alone on the bed, feeling very dejected. I think about all these incidents and my heart tells me even if we have a kid it might take a turn for the worse because our relationship is going down.

Usually after these episodes, when he says sorry, I accept it whole-heartedly because I thought afterall he's my husband and I love him wholeheartedly. But this time, my heart feels numb. I don't seem to care if he's sorry. I am sick and tired of being ridiculed and insulted in this manner over and over again. I am sick and tired of him looking down on me, calling me unspeakable names. I know that I have to forgive him but I can feel another episode just bubbling round the corner. Its like one moment of happiness is followed by 2 or 3 of these episodes. I'm getting sick and tired of walking on eggshells.

Brothers and sisters, I have decided to get myself a job. I hope to heal my self-confidence with a job and hopefully guard myself against being thrown out without having any sort of monetary back up. Is this the right step? I feel that at this point our relationship won't be the same anymore. I don't know why? I really want to forgive him but I don't have the strength to be deeply hurt again. I don't want to be huddled in a corner crying anymore.

Please help me. I feel depressed, tired and helpless.

 

Wiltingflower.

 

 


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38 Responses »

  1. Dear Ma'am

    I am not a scholar but I hope things will get better for you.

    If you are a good Muslim and believe in Allah and Last Day, then you should be know that you will be rewarded for what you reap. So, divorce should not be considered at all as although it is permitted in Islam but Allah does not like it at all.

    I know you are going through a lot of stress. May Allah give you peace and happiness and love like once did with your husband.

    Maybe your husband is in distress about something and he wants to communicate to you. Women are generally emotional creatures but I think you should try to talk to your husband despite all the tantrums.

    You should discuss the situation with your elders. There could be so many obstacles and your job is to find the root cause of the problem.

    I do not want to pinpoint with the list of options of what could be wrong?

    People do not realize that how hard it is to get married and how easy it is to say divorce.

    and Read Quran and Ayat-e-Karima.

    Thank you

    • MAA - I disagree with you. Your advice is callous, my understanding of your message is that you are suggesting that this sister's bad condition is a punishment for something she has done wrong hence you wrote: '...then you should be know that you will be rewarded for what you reap. So, divorce should not be considered at all...'. You said women are emotional creatures and that this sister should talk to her husband despite the traumas. How can you talk to someone when you are being spoken down to and slapped. If your spouse was slapping you and telling you that you're a 'fat so and so good for nothing', would you sit still like a martyr and in return give him/her soft comforting words? Your advice is unrealistic.

      Dear Wiltingflower, I agree Sara and Najah. No one should be treated as your husband is treating you. This is called 'Abuse'. Forgetting keys and leaving switches on is nothing to become angry about. Your husband needs medical attention and anger management therapy, not to mention he is taking marijuana. He is not a healthy man to be around.

      Its a good thing that you are seeking employment, its always wise to have a source of income in such situations. But if you feel threatened by this man, perhaps you need to move yourself away sooner, hence family support would be good. Emotional abuse is as bad as physical - it strips one of confidence and dignity. If you wish to have dialogue with this man, involve your elders and family members, do it with them backing you. I also think it is a blessing that you have not had children with this man - why would you want a violent man to father your children? Remember, do not be frightened to turn away from this violent man. You are human and are not on this earth to be servant to anyone but Allah.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • sister, you need to know one thing crystal clear.

        THE WORST THING HE DOES TO HER IS NOR THE MENTAL &PHYSICAL ABUSE, BUT THE FACT THAT HE DOES NOT PRAY.

    • As salam aliekum,

      Women are emotional creatures and men crush their emotions beneath their feet. You have also done the same thing.

      By your response it seems like you are a man and a husband one like wiltingflower's. Instead of sympathising with the poor victim you say: "...your job is to find the root cause of the problem." It is only now at the end that sister has begun to think of job.

    • Salaamu'alaykum

      i advice you very strongly not to speak without knowledge, nor give advice in what you are not sure about.

      what do you mean the sister should not consider devorce, she clearly said he doesnt pray.
      do you know that many/half of the shcolars of Ahl-As-Sunnah have argued that the taari as-salaah is a kaafir.
      starting from the sahaabah, most of the sahaabah did not consider leaving out any practice as apostatcy APART FROM THE SALAAH.
      so did the taabi'een&the khalaf, from the first ones such as Sa'iid IbnAl-Mussayyab, Al-Hasan al basri, Sufyaan Ath-thawriyy, Immam-al awzaa'ii, Ahmad ibn hanbal, Ash-shaafi'i, all the way to shaykul islaam ibn taymiyyah, all the way to shaykhal islaam muhammad ibn 'abdullwahaab, ibn baaz, bin'Uthaymeen,ibn jibreen. Al-fawzaan

      did you know this?

      EVEN those scholars who said that the one who abandons the salaah is not a kaafir [so long as he known prayer is an obligation upon him] such as some of the well known Salaf, and the khalaf like Shakhul islaam IbnAl- Qayyim etc etc, said that a muslimah cannot marry one who does not pray, even if he is still a muslim.

      so how is it that you can com along and say to the sister not to consider divorcing this waste of sperm?

      rather she should devorce him, the worst this he does to her is not pray!!!

    • I think it is offensive that you think she should put up with all kinds of abuse but not ask for divorce as she will be considered a sinner on judgement day. So what about the man who is causing her so much pain and misery- is he not subject to the same on judgement day? Every one is a human being first and then man or woman - and the rules are applicable to all.Men do not have a first pass at heaven irrespective of what they do- please get this and stop condoning bad behaviour using your warped version of what religion says. Considering she has been with him for five long years and he shows no signs of changing his ways and treating her well, she is entitled to divorce. Dont forget the Quran also says divorce is permissible if there is no consensus on addressing the issues. No one should be forced to endure misery for the rest of their lives, it is important to live a happy fulfilled life and walk away if the other person prevents you from having this despite your best efforts.

  2. Salaam sister wilting flower.
    I am extremely sorry to hear the difficulties you are going through and I can hear the desperation in your voice dear sister.
    I do not agree with sister MAA. I really do not like advising to divorce, as it is not my place, however if you have tried at the marriage properly and there is not change, you are permitted to divorce, and it is something you should consider. Allah has permitted it when necessary. What concerned me especiallty was "( I asked him repeatedly to turn off the tv and solat and he slapped me hard."

    What sort of disgusting behavior is that. No one should raise their hands to their spouse - EVEN if they feel they deserve it. The mental and emotional abuse is bad enough - physical is unacceptable! I definitely think you not having kids with this man is a blessing. They would complicate the situation. I also agree that working is a good idea, InshaAllah it will help you establish yourself and you will have a back up if you want to leave.

    If you are really walking on egg shells and fear for your safety, please get out of there., and take all important items, especially documents like passport etc. It may help to leave and go somewhere safe to clear your head. His behaviour towards you is unacceptable - if he doesnt change then leave him definetly sister.

    Always remember that the things he is saying are not true dear sister. Do not give him this power over you. Apologies I cannot offer more constructive advice. We are here for you - you are welcome to write on here if you need our support or more advice.

    Sara
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor
    x

  3. Salam Wiltingflower,

    I'm sorry your marriage has been one of emotional and physical abuse. The abuse I deal with is more emotional than physical. My husband would never dare to lay a hand on me because he knows full and well that I will have him arrested. He might get right up in my face but he won't dare touch me. I like you have walked on eggshells for years now and at times I still do. The episodes of violence come and go but like you, I am coming to a point where I can no longer handle it. When my husband behaves in a psychotic manner, I have found that I am now becoming physically ill as a result. I try my best to diffuse any situation so it doesn't get out of hand but I find out the older he becomes the worse his behavior gets. I am probably quite a bit older than you and I have children and no family to go to in addition to having no money so...I am going no where. You on the other hand are a different story.

    As someone who may be older and wiser than yourself, I would advise you not have a child with this man. If things are the way they are, you certainly do not want to bring a child into a marriage like this. Don't be among those who think that if they have a child, things will get better...they do not. Several months ago, my husband and I had a huge falling out. I was at the end of my rope so to speak, I can no longer tolerate the yelling, the totally irrational behavior when he is mad. He and I were not speaking and for two weeks I left my bedroom to sleep in another room. I felt as though he was not worthy of me any longer and I was not going to give myself to him when he treated me like nothing. I am something, no...I am more...I am his wife.

    I called my husband at work and asked him if he would sit down and talk with me after work in a very calm manner to which he said he would. When he came home, we sat down together and I put everything out on the table. I held back nothing and told him I could no longer live this way with his behavior. We talked, yelled and of course...I cried for the next two and a half hours but...do you know what? We were able to end our meeting with a hug and he told me how much he loves me and I know he does. I let him know during that meeting that I cannot take living like this any more and that I was done with this marriage if he could not change and change for the better he has.

    Now he tries harder to contain himself and he even apologized to me for an outburst the other day in which I did not deserve his cruel words. My husband does not apologize...ever. I imagine it took a lot for him to say, "I'm sorry". So...from one sister to another whose husband can be very cruel and hurtful, I think it would be a great thing for the both of you to sit down and talk. Be calm and do not raise your voice, you need to talk about how you feel and what he does to you. If you start raising your voice or shouting, your meeting will end in another argument...you do not want that. If he is unable or unwilling to take a moment out of his day to discuss things with you and why he treats you with no respect and hits you, you will have to decide where to go from there. In the end of the day, you either are able to work things out for the both of you or end things peacefully. May Allah guide you and keep you safe from harm always.

    Salam

    • Masha'allah Najah,

      Thank you for your response. I have done the same thing too. I was sleeping in a different room. I finally told him all this abuse has to stop and I will not tolerate any more. Everyone faces stress in life but his actions are not tolerable. He kept begging for forgiveness. I've told forgiveness will be given. It is a sin not to forgive but this time it takes time because he pushed my limits. I was at a breaking point. His actions are pushing us far apart and his actions are not what a good muslim husband does. I don't expect Prince Charming and he should not expect a door mat for a wife. (Both don't exist in real life) He kept saying over and over again that he was sorry and that he will try to contain himself.

      I told him I will think about it. i I prayed for peace within myself because I think I have not been calm for along time. So far he has shown me changes here and there. Trying to contain himself. I've told him I don't need superficial changes. I want lasting changes. I want a marriage whereby I can feel safe with my partner. He agrees and tries to change.

      Alhamdulilah so far things have been going okay. But I have told him that I WILL leave if he starts his raging again. As for children, I am still 2 minds about it. People around us have been egging us. We've been married 5 years. Some have insinuated that we are barren. The vicious lies that ppl spread. May HE grant me the wisdom and patience to forgive these people.

      Please pray for us that we find the way to sustain this marriage on a good path.

      Salam.

      • Salam Wilting Flower,

        Inshallah with time and patience things will turn themselves around. Unfortunately from what I have found, violence is a cycle that tends to repeat itself over and over. Once you have everything peaceful and harmonious, you know it will happen again...you just don't know when.

        I wouldn't worry about what people say. Some people feel they have the right to know your personal business and will dig to find any information they can. Why you and your husband do not have a child is your business, no one else's.

        Inshallah your husband will open his eyes and see all that he stands to lose should he not be able to get his anger under control. Being married is hard enough some days without having to walk on eggshells all the time.

        Salam

  4. Assalamualeykum,

    I am very sad to read this post. I believe that marriage and love is as a sacred jewel to be treasured and defended.

    I don't think there can be any hard and fast advice here. Yes Divorce is awful but permitted. Men and women can both make mistakes and become emotional. The emotional and physical abuse you have suffered is without a doubt unacceptable.

    I am a man who shares your pain and situation, perhaps my tale of woe can be judged as a comparison.

    My wife has deserted me after 8 months of marriage without reason. She has been a pathological, controlling and abusive liar. I have done my best to be patient. I recalibrated my expectations early in our relationship; my wife reached a point where she actually said that she is not responsible for her actions or words. I stopped approaching her to lie with me as my wife or expecting her to contribute to our home in anyway; financial, cooking or tending to the home. Unfortunately to compound this problem she suffers from an emotional bankrupt mother whom she speaks to every day more than she even sees me.

    I know that there is no such thing as a perfect person. After listening to my wife insult me and my family and watching her abuse my belongings and finances I became increasingly frustrated. I was at times impatient with her screams and abuse and would raise my voice as well. But I never belittled or threatened her. I never judged her, only her behaviour. I ended every day with gifts and affirmation of love. I did my utmost to make her feel secure and loved.

    Finally my wife has taken her mothers advice and has demanded I divorce her, when I ask why, she does not answer. Her family has put pressure on me to issue the divorce but despite all of the pain and injustice I have suffered, I will only grant her khul' under just conditions. Because she does not have any honest reasons as to my failings as a husband, this looks very poorly on her. I have suggested numerous times that we undertake mediation and joint counselling but she and her family have bluntly refused without reason.

    I am at a loss for what to do.

    I think that like you, in my tired and depressed state, the best advice i would offer you is practical. Ask yourself why you want to be married, my answer was that I want to be happy and fulfilled and to have a family. You need to leave the house immediately and should seek a reliable family member to initiate a separation. If your husband is interested in rebuilding your relationship he will institute a mediator from his family to work out all of the problems and come up with REAL solutions.

    - acknowledging errors and unacceptable behaviours
    - establishing expectations and goals
    - repenting and dedicating real inititatives to solve all of the issues

    If he is not able to recognise that what he is doing that is wrong or is not strong enough to change those behaviours then as long as you have the best intention of living the best way, Allah will give you what is good.

    I hope my response offers some value and pray for your safety and happiness.

    • Disillusioned, I'm sorry to hear what you've gone through. If you'd like to log in and write your experience as a separate post, we can offer some advice for your situation.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Dear disillusioned,

      I'm sorry to read about your plight. You are right, at the end of this abuse, we end up feeling like nothing. I can only relate to what you're going thru. I am still at the midst of seeing how we can repair our marriage. While we still love each other, abuse is not to be tolerated. I still don't know if I've done the right thing by agreeing not to leave him THIS TIME.

      But so far I'm just taking it step by step. I had weighed in the issues with him. He has some very good points as a husband and maybe that's why I decided that maybe for the last time we should try and save this marriage. Don't get me wrong, I'm not 100% perfect but I will not let myself get abused to that extent any longer.

      I appreciate all the advise and sympathise with what you are going through. I really do. You have the patience to deal with such a difficult situation, you have not let this incident turn you into an ugly human being by not returning the same behaviour to her. I hope that you will find strength and peace for all that you are going thru.

      Salam.

      • Assalamu alaikum sister. To be honest I'm baffled as to why you would even want to hold on to this disaster of a marriage. If this man has been abusive for 5 years now, drinks, does drugs and refuses to pray, even to the point of violence at the thought of making salat, then what "good points" could he possibly have to make it worth being with him?

  5. I agree with u

  6. Assalamu Aleikum,

    we are no angels or infallible human beings, but domestic violence, physical and psychological abuse

    exist and are unacceptable, may it be from the side of the wife or husband. A woman is physically

    vulnerable and therefore she has to be protected by the state and authorities in case of domestic

    violence. Although there are cases of females beating men , too, I have neven seen a man ending up

    in hospital with bruises or worse, serious injuries. A woman needs an external object to do physical

    harm to her husband, whereas a man can kill his wives with his mere hands and feet. Show me one

    male victim of domestic violence who lost his life during the process. If a woman wants to kill a man,

    she either needs poison or external objects. Women need the protection of the state and religious

    authorities in cases of domestic violence. Divorce is the last resort- for a normal divorce case when

    the two parties don't get along. Domestic violence doesn't fall into this category- because from the

    moment the husband beats his wife- her life and her integrity are in danger. That's something

    completely different. It's like recognizing a person doesn't pray, fast or fulfil religious obligations.

    Whereas your husband doesn't even pray or practice deen, this is reason enough to leave him.

    As you can see, you've got many reasons to file for divorce. This is not about patience, this is a worst-case

    scenario you have to leave. Don't hesitate. Very often, Asian families don't allow the divorce to happen

    because with this very wise statement of the prophet, you can also oppress women in the community

    when you forget the context. There are women's shelters you can turn to.

    I wish you good luck, go in the name of Surah Mujadilah who is dedicated to the pleading woman, who

    was only verbally abused once, whereas you are being beaten, humiliated and are still married.

  7. thank you brother : Muslim man

    I just hope everybody gets whatever good they are looking for.

    May Allah save us from Haram and Evil within us and outside us.

  8. sister written flower, you should know that if he hit you because you called him to Allaah and told him to pray, then you have certainly made jihaad fii sabiilillaah.

    wallaahi, you have made nothing less than jihaad.

    "and whomsoever fights in our cause, whether he is victorious or is killed, we shall bestow upon him a great reward"
    suurah nisaa.

    glad tidings to you inshaallaah.

  9. Im not sure that i can do this..but here is my e mail address *************** please pm me your number i would love to talk to someone going through the same exact thing as me..please..denise

    • Dear Denise,

      I am sorry that you are experiencing problems in your marriage. But we do not allow the exchange of email addresses on this forum. The best thing I can ask you to do is to log in and submit your question as a separate post. That way people can write to you about your specific situation.

      Best Wishes,

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  10. Hi and salam,

    I understand that the exchange of email addresses is not permitted on this forum, but in all honesty, like Denise, I am also desperate to get in touch and communicate with other similar situation victims who can wholeheartedly 100% relate to what we are going through in our marriage. 

    Whilst I deeply appreciate reading all the kind words from people who try their best to offer much advice and consolence to the problem, it is never the same as with having to communicate with a fellow victim. (Like trying to help a rape victim but never having been a victim yourself.) No amount of well wishes can help heal the scars. Sometimes all it takes is just a simple conversation with someone who has been or is going through the same predicament.

    Being Muslim, I have tried, unsucessfully, searching for forums where I can connect with other sisters alike. Sometimes I just don't want to hear an Islamic advice (muslim forums) but for someone to really understand my pain and suffering. Whereas some non-muslim forums have been helpful but they don't understand the laws of muslim marriages. 

    I hope you can ammend your rules one day and I can't express enough the amount of good it will bring to help abused muslim wives to come together and share experiences and support for each other. Thanks for listening.

    Or perhaps you have a website to recommend? 

    • As salamu alaykum, sister crushedcookie,

      I am really sorry to hear you want to stay connected to what happened to you, or maybe still happening, till the point of creating a group of abused muslim wives to keep reminding between yourself how bad you were treated and how bad was life for you and how terrible is life now due to your past. Do you understand that this attitude will mantain you solidly attached to a sick past and will kill all the possibilities to heal and move on? There are places where you go and you will find people going through the healing process, you are the first woman I know that wants to be attached to her past, normally everyone wants to move on, healing their wounds. Sister your attitude is "I don´t want to hear tips for healing or move on" do you want to be forever an abused muslim wife?

      Says a lot about you when you introduced yourself as "crushedcookie", why don´t you give yourself the choice of being a "nice sweet crunchy cookie with a soft heart", just my personal opinion.
      I really hope to see you around helping others to move on and heal their wounds, insha´Allah.
      From Heart to Heart,

      María
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  11. Dear Sister Maria,

    Sadly, I think you have totally misunderstood me. My point of connecting with these women is for support, strength, affirmation and encouragement to move on and not dwell in the past or current situation. Well simply put, I don't think you've ever been an abused wife that's why you haven't read my comment objectively. As mentioned by the lady posting before me (Denise) " i would love to talk to someone going through the same exact thing as me..please.." And truthfully I don't feel there's any indication in my comment that says I want to remain connected to my past. I don't know what I've said to made you to think otherwise. All I wanted was support from other wives in similar situations.

    I think you have misjudged me "Sister your attitude is "I don´t want to hear tips for healing or move on.." I never did say I didn't like hearing advice, just sometimes not an Islamic advice 24/7, 365, but real advice from survivors whom have pulled through the ordeal. Please don't be so quick to judge people before knowing all the facts too - "There are places where you go and you will find people going through the healing process.." FYI, I am a foreign wife, living in a foreign country with no support system whatsoever. So for me it is just not that simple to walk out and seek help.

    I am merely hoping that you can amend your rules one day. And if you refuse to do so, hey, no one is forcing you. And as for the namesake, I just wrote what's in front of me. Sorry if there were a few uneaten crushed cookies left in the bag.

    I appreciated SisterZ's response (to Denise) way much better than yours. Just decline politely. Have a good day.

    • As salamu alaykum, sister crushedcookie,

      Masha´Allah, I do too appreciate Sister Z´s response, Presence, Knowledge, .....a lot, I am not even worth of being compared to her, you honour me.

      I am sorry I misunderstood and hurt you, I hope you accept my apologies. One idea you may like that instead of waiting for others to do what you think, you should be the one doing it, why don´t you open a blog, it is free, you don´t need to know anyone, you can connect with the all world and people could connect to you easily taping the topic to find you, insha´Allah. There is one post: http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/i-want-to-start-an-organisation/ you may add some ideas there, insha´Allah.

      And being in a foreign country, must be very difficult to look for help but surely there are offices where you can ask for guidance, you should go and ask to have some kind of support system, as woman, as inmigrant and as victim, I don´t know how you can exactly do it but the police, the council center, government office, consulate, have special unities(not the consulate but yes the others) where a woman can search for help.

      Sister, I don´t mind if you want to call yourself crushedcookie, I respect you, it is up to you, don´t feel sorry about it, I am not judging you, I was trying to tell you that the way we call ourselves tells a lot about us, I am sorry if you misunderstood me and I apologise again if you feel hurt by my comment about your name, my intention was to let you know that a good projection makes the healing process goes faster, our mind is powerful and the message when you read crushed cookie is not the same than cookie, or crunchy cookie or sweet cookie, .....that was all.

      Related to the rules of this site, there is a team of editors working here and there is a chief editor, the person that created this site, I am not that person, I am not even one of the senior editors, but we have decided as a team those rules, it will be up to the chief editor to change them, make exeptions..... or not. This is the way it is functioning till today and I am really sorry it causes you so much distress.

      I hope you will be able to forgive me and as I told you before hope to see you around giving glimpse of hope to those in need.

      From Heart to Heart,
      María
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  12. Assalaamu alaikum,

    I know it's easier said than done, but there is nothing beneficial about this marriage. It's possible Allah has not given you children for a reason. Firstly, the man does not pray. He is not even permissible to be married to. You should divorce if for no other reason than this. Secondly, he is high or drunk much of the time. Haraam once more. Lastly, he abuses you. Love should not come before Islam. Love yourself enough to get help and get out. I went through something similar, and there is nothing more peaceful than coming home to a house with no yelling, screaming, cursing, belittling, pain. I got rid of that dude, although we share a child (more drama), but I replaced him with peace, learning, Quran, and self love. You should read up on the Sahaabiyat. Some of them divorced just from being incompatible, or not being attracted to a man. You deserve better, and for no one to slap you and curse you. There are better brothers out there. Also, when you look back over your life, do you want to feel that you have wasted years of it with someone who won't hold you, love you, or even be Muslim? Divorce is disliked, but it is encouraged in some cases, cases like yours. Get a job, seek help from sisters or family, an Imam, the masjid, and cut your losses. The people who say stay and work it out don't know the cycle of abuse very well. Unless he wants to change, he won't. "Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change that which is in themselves."

    Love you for the sake of Allah
    Get back some years on your life inshallah.

    MuslimahPrincess

  13. dear all,

    I am most grateful for your responses. It shows that I am not alone in facing this. Since my last post I have been trying to work things out. It has been good and then a couple of argument came back and forth. And then we were good again.

    Today as I write this, painful tears run down my cheeks. He drank with his friends today and I caught him on the phone. I felt I have been betrayed a million times over. He cursed me on the phone and told me to go to hell. It is sure as hell as painful as it can be. And I think in his slur, he as divorced me.

    I am crying stricken with tears and dissappointment and loneliness. It is almost too painful to bear that the person you love is doing this to you.

    I can only pray that whatever He puts me thru, He gives me the strength.

    Salam

    • My dear sweet sister,

      My heart totally goes out to you. No woman deserves to be treated like this. Please, email me if you would like to talk to someone. Becuase here, it is only a forum. I know I will try to help you and be there for you. Here is my (email address deleted by the Editor)

      • Mimisweety,

        thank you for your concern. But as a policy, we do not allow the exchange of personal contact information on our website. You could advise her on this page so that anyone facing a similar issue can also be benefited.

        Thanks,

        Muhammad Waseem
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Walaikumassalam warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu.

      how are the things with you now sister ?

      __________________
      May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!

  14. I've been in the same situations. Small changes happen then something sets them off again. Never tell him you will leave if he flares up again as that will enrage him. He'll abuse you but he'll do everything in his power to physically to force you to stay. We don't want you to wind up in hospital. Have you suggested marriage counselling? Over the years I've learned that controlling men were often raised with an alcoholic father. Life was out of control so the child learns to take control.If he won't consider counselling then it's time to pack your bags. Wait until he's a work, then go, to another city if you have to. I'd even bet you aren't allowed to have any money. Then go immediately to social services, they have to help you.

  15. aslamalaikum i can symtizise with this woman my first marriage of ten years was very violent.my second marriage of 5 years was even worse and i have 2 children and my third marriage is coming upto ten years and 2 more children and looks like he going to be violent because he gets very angy and has said some hurtful things.

  16. Dear wiltingflower,

    My relationship with my husband is not the best and we have been through some very tough times indeed. (For you maybe your husband calling you a prostitute was the worst and for me it was my husband telling me I should kill myself). I'm only 25 but we have a 1 year old daughter. I am not muslim but after searching google looking for advice about my own husband I saw your comments. I understand that I may not understand your ways or customs but I feel there are some things that are universal such as the relationship between men and women. I NEVER write comments online like this but something touched me so much about your words and even your name wiltingflower touched something in my heart. I have felt how you feel and not too long ago either. I might be in your situation again soon but I feel that some things I have learned have made it easier to deal with tough relationships and it might be of some help to you so I wanted to share it. I'm not signing up to be notified of follow up comments so I'm sorry if anyone is offended that I'm not muslim and am commenting but if my words can help you at all I wanted to share. Even if things are good between you and your husband now they may become worse again in the future. First thing you should know is NOTHING is your fault. The mean things your husband says are because of something inside of him. That said, you might be doing things that make it easier for him to abuse you. I don't belong to any particular religion but am fond of buddhist teachings because I think they are universal, though I do believe in God and pray like you while my husband is an atheist. I believe that no one can make you feel bad unless you let them, but it is VERY VERY hard not to let them. I've noticed that when I don't take offense (or at least act like I don't) to the mean things my husband sometimes says, that he gets over it much quicker than if I take offense, or get angry, or respond in any sort of criticism. Anger only breeds more anger. If for instance when he called you a prostitute you responded with something like "How can you say that? What did I do? Don't you know how much that hurts me? etc." Anything like that would be completely VALID but would do more harm than good. It is your husband's WEAKNESS that makes him act that way. A strong, emotionally secure man who loves and respects himself would not say such things to his wife. So if in any way you react (good or bad) to what he does or says it only says to him (she's pointing out what I did wrong, how I AM weak, she doesn't respect herself enough to ignore what I say and is giving her ATTENTION to MY problems). What I try to do is if for instance I'm talking with my husband and he blows up or overreacts to something and is mean in conversation I continue whatever it is I need to say (regarding what the conversation was initially about, not a reaction to anything mean he just said, and WITHOUT emotion) then excuse myself from the conversation and leave his presence. It definitely takes PRACTICE. I have tried to do this so hard but at times have failed and from the immense pain he caused me I have exploded and yelled or done things I regret but I try to keep practicing. For one thing, it isn't as "fun" yelling at someone who doesn't react to what you are saying or who isn't there for you to yell at. Two, it helps YOU if you can get into a mindset and tell yourself anything that will lessen the pain that is caused by what he says. For instance if when he called you a prostitute you said to yourself "I am a good wife and these are the reasons why... I am NOT a prostitute I am the exact opposite because... I am a virtuous wife and it is true that I don't DESERVE this treatment. He wants to hurt me with his words but I won't let him bring me down I'm going to think of something that makes me happy because I DESERVE to be happy and not be hurt by this or have to think about it." What is hardest for me is that I have a record player in my mind even if I walk away from an argument where I replay what he said to me over and over again. How it was wrong what he said, how much it hurt etc. I just try to tell myself first that what he said is NOT TRUE and the reasons WHY it's not true (which it never is) and then it seems almost ridiculous for it to hurt my feelings because of how untrue it really is. Of course it still hurts for someone you love to be so cruel to you but if your husband loves you (which I can't know without knowing you both but if he has ever said he was sorry or apologized and meant it like you were saying he did then I think he does love you) then when he says those cruel things think to yourself that it isn't that he doesn't love YOU it's that he doesn't love HIMSELF and if you can try to feel compassion for someone who needs to be so cruel to others it might make you feel better. Men usually don't cry like women trust me when I say a man that can treat you like that is not happy inside, and might be feeling worse inside than you are even though it doesn't look like it. The most important thing I would say is to (in the moment when he is hurting you) think about anything that makes you feel better or can take your mind off it (whatever you like to do listen to music, draw, etc.) or tell yourself the other things I said before. Tell yourself that your husband isn't strong enough to fix your marriage so you will have to help the only thing you can which is yourself, which will also help your marriage. I don't claim to be an expert and I have so much to learn and still struggle just like you but these things I've said have helped me and I hope maybe some of it helps you too. Remember there are always people who care for you and most of all you have to care for (and about) yourself.

    blossomingrose

  17. Aslamalaikum, wiltingflower.
    I can sense that you love your husband deeply and that despite all the bad that has occurred in your relationship you still hold on to the good moments you had with your husband. Perhaps you may even sense in your husband that he has a deep longing to change and repair your relationship and his relationship with Allah. If this is so, then I must admit that the advice given by blossoming rose is very helpful and I am currently using it in my own marriage. I have only been married for two years and I can already see that my husbands aggression is only getting worse. I have been desperately looking for tactics i can employ, beside salat, to handle the aggression quickly and with less pain to either party. I have found that with ignoring the yelling and name calling and the getting into my face at the risk of looking aloof diffuses the situation the best. I have discovered that talking to them while they are angry or even apologizing if they feel your are to blame, which is almost always the case, makes everything worse because it gives them opportunity to make you feel bad. Which in turn makes them feel worse and the anger cycle continues. If you want to employ this strategy correctly you must not only ignore their actions and words you must look untainted. The best way to do this is to serve them while they are angry to reinforce that you are not hurt by what they said. Serve them dinner, do the laundry, do your prayers, make a dessert etc. let them see that in fact you are a good wife who tends to their needs. If you are asked if you are listening you say yes and nothing more. They may even try to ask more painful things, just keep your answers short and sweet, they will eventually get bored of asking. If later when they are longer mad and possibly apologizing they may ask why you are not mad you can say that it is because you know they were speaking in anger and what they were saying is not true so why should you let this hurt you. I am using these techniques, the hardest part is not trying to help them while they are angry but letting them just be and throw their temper tantrums however ugly and embarrassing they may be. In my experience not letting my husband's anger into my relationship allows him to more easily come back to me and repair the damage. If this is the path you will try do not expect an apology when you need it and you may have to hold their hand or hug them when they sit next to you because at that point they will feel like they do not deserve such a caring wife so what right do they have to touch you. You will have to be the mentally stronger one in your relationship if you choose this path. I hope to get better with this practice, and that walking on egg shells won't feel like that anymore, and that Inshallah my husband will have an easier time dealing with his own anger so that he can return to Allah and to me. My role is just to patiently wait until he gets calm again and when the time is right let him know that I love him and that he was wrong. This second part is so very important because it gives him the opportunity to apologize if he wants to, and fix the sin he has committed with you. Praise be to Allah who is so merciful that he forgives our sins if we repent but those sins we commit with creation must be repaired with creation. Allah loves those the best who are merciful. If you have tried all this and the anger is not improving and your husband is not trying to find his way back to Allah and you still find that you do not want to leave him sister, then please do not have children with this man. He is a bad seed and will only give rise to other bad seeds. And if you should become a mother, pray that Allah will give you the strength and knowledge to discipline your children so that when they become husband and wives they will be ready to handle the stresses that comes with that commitment appropriately. And lastly remember that we are all just children who appear older, and sometimes even children find it hard to take advice when they are angry even from such a divine source such as the Qur'an, which has laid out for us to a tee how to resolve all our problems and how we should live as equals. Remember, this life is hard for those who believe. We must see every struggle as a test but do your best to minimize the evil in this world. Inshallah this advice will help you. You and your husband will be in my prayers.

  18. Salamz,

    Hi.. I would like to ask for opinions. My husband is a great guy especially with our kids. He does have a horrid temper and it very vocal. Recently, my mom had a problem with her neighbour cursing vulgarities at her for slamming the house door hard. Things got bad and the police had to come in. I was working when my mom called me and ask my husband to come over to her house to protect her from the neighbours and help make police report. My husband went over. My mom got work up with the matter at hand. My husband tried to calm her but she won't listen. So he yelled at her. Harshly.

    My mom is now upset with him and eventually with me. She being a single mother all these years does not want anything to do with me. She is angry with my husband for yelling at her. My husband will not apologise to her- he said too bad she feels that way. My husband will not apologise to me whenever he hurts my feelings.. What more apologise to my mom. I'm talking minimally to my husband coz it hurts me my mom I cared so much no longer wants me to cook for her, care for her over weekends which I normally do.

    I did not ask my husband to sleep in the guest room but he's doing that. Though I'm alright with it as I can't stand being in the same room with a man if so much ego. We communicate for the sake of our young kids. Can my husband really get off screaming at my mom and not apologise? And I'm crying everyday for my mom who I miss caring for and is upset she does not want me or my family in her life. To her thinking, she asks her son in law for help and yet she gets a scolding though my husband think he's doing the right thing as my mom was getting to emotional with d neighbour. How should I react?

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