Husband gets angry over small things, need help with marriage.
Assalamualaikum w.b. everyone,
I am muslimah. I have been married for 5 years. It is a love marriage. I don't know what else to say about my marriage except that I have been crying my eyes out so often these years. I don't know where to start. I used to think that I was so lucky to have found a man who adores me and loves me for who I am. But things turned sour after the marriage.
I am actually a very simple girl. I don't get jealous when I see other wives getting expensive gifts from their husbands. I want simple things in a marriage. Due consideration, mutual respect, courtesy towards each other. My husband has done his obligatory duties, providing food, shelter for me and I am thankful to HIM for all that we are blessed with. But lately he has been using this as an excuse whenever we argue. I used to accept that it is because he is under tremendous pressure that why he blows up. But yesterday's blow up really affected me and I don't think I can continue with this marriage.
I am not saying that I am not at fault, but thinking about it, the stuff that I have done, are not good excuses for him to abuse me mentally and emotionally. There are incidents when he has raised his hands at me ( I asked him repeatedly to turn off the tv and solat and he slapped me hard.) I fought back too. To this day we have never prayed together as husband and wife. I cry when I think about it. I don't know why I am denied this joy. He has told me he is not sure about the prayers and I bought him dvds and books but these tools are shelved somewhere in the room collecting dust even though I have invited him numerous times to go over these tools to brush up his salat. I had even downloaded the lecture "Why do you not pray?" by Yusuf Idris. There was a bit of change and then nothing. I have been waiting for the day when he takes up the role of Imam in our house but sadly I don't think this will happen. I am the only one currently praying in our house.
I also cannot take it when he starts yelling at me. It is over the most slightest of things like forgetting to switch off the power and he fires away. Over the years, he has repeatedly told me that it is easy for him to find someone else, I am a useless piece of s***, I should get my fat a** out the door and get a job, he can find comfort and have children with other women, nobody loves me and yes one time he called me a prostitute. All these have taken considerable toll on me. I have threatened suicide at times because of all the horrible things he has said. He will tell me he's sorry and that he was angry and that he didn't mean it. And also that I should not take it personally. How can I not when my husband tells me all these things? He will change his mind about me finding a job because he says he can support me. I know that is correct because he is earning a lot. It was the reason why he told me to stop working and so I did.
I have told him that what I did (usually forgetting my keys and not switching off switches) is nothing compared to what he put me through. I caught him with a packet of marijuana and he was charged for drink driving amongst other things. I tell him that I have forgiven him for these things why can't he let go of the small things and move on? He tells me is because he is paying the bills. I have to tell him time and time again, I am human, please forgive me and then he goes on his tirade. I feel degraded and sub human at the end of it all. I feel depressed. I don't feel like a wife. I feel that he doesn't see me as a wife. I feel that he sees me a leech on his life. Believe me, it feels downright rotten when the person you love looks at you that way.
I don't even go out much. I go to my parent's place and the market at most. He will say things like he'll take me here and there but it never happens. I have been very patient. Its a running joke. There's a beautiful park I've been meaning to go to with him for a year but he will simply push it aside. I know business is stressful but this is a joke. Even time at home with him has been like walking on eggshells. I am jittery and afraid and most of all, tired of being in the same position all the time, crying uncontrollably because of all the things he said.
We talk about having kids and he agrees that he wants to have kids but when it comes to it he will be watching movies throughout the night and I will alone on the bed, feeling very dejected. I think about all these incidents and my heart tells me even if we have a kid it might take a turn for the worse because our relationship is going down.
Usually after these episodes, when he says sorry, I accept it whole-heartedly because I thought afterall he's my husband and I love him wholeheartedly. But this time, my heart feels numb. I don't seem to care if he's sorry. I am sick and tired of being ridiculed and insulted in this manner over and over again. I am sick and tired of him looking down on me, calling me unspeakable names. I know that I have to forgive him but I can feel another episode just bubbling round the corner. Its like one moment of happiness is followed by 2 or 3 of these episodes. I'm getting sick and tired of walking on eggshells.
Brothers and sisters, I have decided to get myself a job. I hope to heal my self-confidence with a job and hopefully guard myself against being thrown out without having any sort of monetary back up. Is this the right step? I feel that at this point our relationship won't be the same anymore. I don't know why? I really want to forgive him but I don't have the strength to be deeply hurt again. I don't want to be huddled in a corner crying anymore.
Please help me. I feel depressed, tired and helpless.
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