Are 17 and 16 too young for marriage?
Muslim teenage boys at the seashore in Sri Lanka. Too young to get married?
Question:
Salam, I am a 17 year old boy who wants to get married to a sister who is 16.. I asked my mum if I could get married because I am finding it hard to cope with all the fitnah around me.. But she told me I can't get married.. What would you advise me to do?
I mean, am I allowed to get married secretly?. And what is the minimum requirement for marriage according to the Prophet (saw) sunnah...
Wassalam
- Hasanat
Sister Noorah's Answer:
Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim
Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah
Surely one of the greatest "fitnahs" of our modern age is the delaying of marriage. Nowadays, young people are expected to wait ten or more years after the onset of puberty to marry, all the while being bombarded on a daily basis by sexually explicit images on TV and in magazines. Young men and women are told to remain chaste but not are not given the tools to do so. They are told to not consider marriage until "after college" or "after you have a good job" or "after you have enough money for a house". These expectations are unrealistic and are responsible for so much mental harm. Nonetheless, this is the situation that exists. Young people like you are stuck between a rock and a hard place, wanting to please Allah by only enjoying sexual relations within the bounds of marriage, but not being able to support themselves and not having the support of family members.
"Technically" it is permissible for you as a man to marry without the permission of your parents. For a marriage to be valid in Islam, you must have the consent of both parties, a wali (guardian) for the young lady, a mahr (bride gift) from you to the lady, two adult male Muslim witnesses, and the announcement of the marriage. Without any of these the marriage is not valid. If you do not have the permission of her wali, who is her father if he is Muslim and living, then there is no way for you to go forward. And marrying secretly, what is known as an "urfi" marriage, is not valid because announcing the marriage is one of the conditions.
You have several options. You can continue to talk to your family to explain to them that you wish to stay away from the haraam and marry so you can not be tempted into fornication. At your age, you really need their support because it would be difficult if not impossible for you to support yourself financially at your young age. If they absolutely refuse, then you have to make a plan of how you can get a job so you can move out on your own and be financially independent. If you can honestly support yourself and a wife, then you can marry as long as her family approves.
If this is not possible, the only thing for you to do at this time is to try to be patient. Keep yourself busy with prayer and fasting, and buckle down in school to occupy your brain. Keep your gaze lowered and do not look at women who are not permissible to you, INCLUDING this young lady you want to marry. At this time she is not mahram to you and it is not permissble to be alone with her, or to touch or hug or kiss or do more than this. Spend time in the company of strong Muslim brothers who will help you to stay away from the haraam. Don't give up and think you have to wait five or ten years to marry - work on a plan to get a job that will support you both as soon as is feasible, and always ask Allah to help you. You are seeking to do something that is halaal, so He will help you as long as you protect yourself from harm.
May Allah help you to be able to marry a pious Muslim woman who will help you complete half your Deen, Ameen.
Fi Aman Allah,
Noorah,
Editor, IslamicAnswers.com
12 Responses »
Leave a Response
Entries(RSS)
Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim
Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah
Surely one of the greatest "fitnahs" of our modern age is the delaying of marriage. Nowadays, young people are expected to wait ten or more years after the onset of puberty to marry, all the while being bombarded on a daily basis by sexually explicit images on TV and in magazines. Young men and women are told to remain chaste but not are not given the tools to do so. They are told to not consider marriage until "after college" or "after you have a good job" or "after you have enough money for a house". These expectations are unrealistic and are responsible for so much mental harm. Nonetheless, this is the situation that exists. Young people like you are stuck between a rock and a hard place, wanting to please Allah by only enjoying sexual relations within the bounds of marriage, but not being able to support themselves and not having the support of family members.
"Technically" it is permissible for you as a man to marry without the permission of your parents. For a marriage to be valid in Islam, you must have the consent of both parties, a wali (guardian) for the young lady, a mahr (bride gift) from you to the lady, two adult male Muslim witnesses, and the announcement of the marriage. Without any of these the marriage is not valid. If you do not have the permission of her wali, who is her father if he is Muslim and living, then there is no way for you to go forward. And marrying secretly, what is known as an "urfi" marriage, is not valid because announcing the marriage is one of the conditions.
You have several options. You can continue to talk to your family to explain to them that you wish to stay away from the haraam and marry so you can not be tempted into fornication. At your age, you really need their support because it would be difficult if not impossible for you to support yourself financially at your young age. If they absolutely refuse, then you have to make a plan of how you can get a job so you can move out on your own and be financially independent. If you can honestly support yourself and a wife, then you can marry as long as her family approves.
If this is not possible, the only thing for you to do at this time is to try to be patient. Keep yourself busy with prayer and fasting, and buckle down in school to occupy your brain. Keep your gaze lowered and do not look at women who are not permissible to you, INCLUDING this young lady you want to marry. At this time she is not mahram to you and it is not permissble to be alone with her, or to touch or hug or kiss or do more than this. Spend time in the company of strong Muslim brothers who will help you to stay away from the haraam. Don't give up and think you have to wait five or ten years to marry - work on a plan to get a job that will support you both as soon as is feasible, and always ask Allah to help you. You are seeking to do something that is halaal, so He will help you as long as you protect yourself from harm.
May Allah help you to be able to marry a pious Muslim woman who will help you complete half your Deen, Ameen.
Fi Aman Allah,
Noorah,
Editor, IslamicAnswers.com
Sister Noorah, you're right about the delaying of marriage being a great fitnah facing our Ummah. The result is that most young men (and many women) succumb to zinaa at some point. It's the rare young man - as rare as a white elephant - who makes it to the age of 30 still a virgin. We need to nurture youth the maturity to marry young, and to create support structures to help them.
Salaam,
My opinion is that it not a question of age, but attitude and preparedness. Marriage is bnot just about sexual relief - its a lifetime of getting on with and moving forwards with a person.
If you walk into a marriage with the view that your wife is a masturbation-replacement tool - then you are not only disrespecting her and her role in your life, but you will also make her feel very bad and will forget to remember that she will have her own needs too. Also, your sex drives may be different - and so what will you do when you need release and she is not interested?
You may be under a lot of temptation - however for a young man your age this is very normal and in about 2 years time, you will not feel so revved up all of the time. You are going through a period of body change in which everything is in overdrive - and all males and females go through it. What is happening to you is that the part of your brain which is responsible for instant reaction is developing, whilst the part of your brain that controls those reactions has not formulated yet (this happens around 18-22) - so this is why your urges are so strong. Once this period passes, you will feel calmer and more able to control yourself,and better able to make decisions on marriage - because you will be driven by your brain and not your instant -responses so to speak.
The important thing to remember is that you CAN control yourself, and not to panic when you feel attraction and urges. Of course you will feel attraction and urges: what young single man doesn't? But like all other urges (such as the urge to hit someone who upsets you, or the urge to bunk school today, or the urge to miss a prayer) you are the master of them - and like all skills in life - being a master takes time and practice and you should feel very proud of yourself that you are embarking on this self-control mission.
If you want to marry for reasons other than sexual, and have considered that the person you are marrying is the person you will make all of the rest of your life's decisions with and for, if you have considered whether you can provide for this personor children or not, if you have decided whether you wish to study or get a job now or not, if you know where you will live or not and if you have made a life strategy and have identified what type of character will best help you be the best person that you can be - then by all means yes, get married.
But if you are simply overwhelmed by desire and need to release: then no. You are not at the stage where it would be wise for you to get married.
This is a good point, that sexual desire cannot be the only reason to get married. But it can be one reason, as long as other emotions such as respect, admiration, and trust are there, along with the desire to build something strong and wholesome fee-sabeel-illah.
See,
dear brother.i am also of your age .i feel hard to control my sex.i often masturbate and watchporn.when i came through some islamic sites. I found i am doing wrong then i also got a point for qurans hadeeth that if one wants to lower his gaze and arousal he must marry a girl. I do not have any girl friend whom i can marry and have sex to stay away frox all those forbidden things. Then i realised this is the stage when a person loses his own delimna of his thinking. I then build my will that under any circumstances i am not going to look back to those forbidden things in islam. I am from india. I belongs from such a land where fornication and adultery is common. So i got to some older persons and they told me to have faith on god and control feelings .loving does not means to marry and sex. There must be some limit. And u are going to realise this after 22 yrs of age. So pray to god and have modesty on yourself. Refrain yur self frm all this thoughts and do success in life. Go to college and study well. My e mail id- Injamul377@gmail.com. When ever u feel free email me. Bye once again. My best wishes to u.assalamu walaikum .my phone no- 919613688724.
your sickening! Marriage IS NOT AT ALL ABOUT SEX!
There is barakah when you get married earlier because you fear from commiting zina. It is in fact half of taqwa. A muslim who has taqwah of ALLAH is always blessed and helped by Allah. Read this: (( Wa man yattaqillaha yaj'al lahu makhrajan wa yarzuquhu min haythu laa yahtasibu.))Surah Attalaq: 2 and 3. Allah said:(( And Whoever fears ALLAH, He (continously) bestows for him a way-out( helps to resolve his problems), and provides him (with sustenance) from where he has not thought/calculated or planned."
salaam, i am in the same situation and i am a practising 16 year old muslimah.
I have to disagree to other responses here. Do you have a stable job? Working as a cashier is not a job. Do you have a business that you can rely on? A marriage WILL require substancial financial resources I dont care what anyone says. If you dont have such resources do not get married it will ruin your life. Establish a firm footing in life, you are young and you will feel differently in about 10 years. Separate emtion from logic and tread carefully.
Do NOT get married to have sex, if you cannot control your urges and watch porn thats a separate issue. A marriage will make this habbit worse, it wont solve a thing.
Salam;
Im 17 years old; and ...
(Remainder of question deleted by Editor)
Somaya, Asalaamualaykum,
Please log in and submit your questioin as a separate post.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor