Her behavior is changing since we did Istikharah
Taking a second wife...
Assalamoalaykum.
I am a man of 38 with a wife and 3 kids and married since 7 years. I am intending to marry another woman of 34 who also wants to marry me as we love each other deeply. We came in contact with each other through our business interest. Our relation is since 2 years and now we have reached at a point where we have decided to marry. I have informed about my intention to my wife who is not very happy with it. However, I have with patience and love handled the entire situation (Note : I do love my wife dearly) and convinced my wife to allow me to get married to the woman I love as I have loved her with an intention to marry and that she will be a perfect member of our family. Also I promised with Allah as my witness of proper justice and equal love to both my families. She has agreed with much hesitation.
However, we both (Me and that woman) being Allah fearing decided to do istikharah and take the Raza of Allah SWT. Till today we have done istikharah 5 times as it was advised to continue till 7 days if you do not get clear Will from Allah SWT. In my istikharah I have thrice been awarded by Allah his Raza by making my decision even firm after the istikharah than before. Also I saw positive signs in dreams which led me to believe Allah's Raza in it. But she couldn't see anything. Nor she could get any indications.
Now she is asking me to ask some Aalim and then only decide whether to go further or not. Also there is a marked turning point in her behavior since we decided to do istikharah like she is getting farther in everyway from me per say expressing of her love for me etc. Also to note is that her parents have shown him some guy to get married to which she is very much not interested, as she says to me. But, I cannot understand what is in her heart as despite positive istikhara from my end and despite no issue of compatibility between us she is now insisting on getting an advise of an Aalim.
I have surely agreed to her persisting command. But I seek here advise from my islamic friends and scholars, Aalims, whoever may read my post and guide me correctly. Please note that we both are deeply in love with each other and have chosen the path of marriage to lead a good and Allah fearing life ahead with the blessings of all. In India/Pakistan/Bangladesh and some other Asian countries having second wife is considered a gruesome sin whether or not the husband is just in his behavior or actions with his wives.
Please pardon my simple and blunt approach to you as I am a very grounded man and seek true advise. If I have done any error its my fault and I seek Allah's refuge from his punishment. Allah knows the best.
Zajakallah
Talaba
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Assalamu'alaikum wa Rahmatullah,
May Allah Give you Barakah and enable you to act justly between your wives if you do marry this woman. Most women feel reluctant to share the love of their husbands with another woman, so the behavior of your wife is understandable. But make sure your love for her does not decrease if you marry another woman.
What does the other woman want to know from a 'Aalim? No one becomes hesitant except when he or she is confused or has some fear. She must make it clear first. In addition, she is not allowed to 'express love for you' because she is not yet your wife; you are not her relative yet. If she does marry you, she should have prior approval of her Wali, which is her father.
In addition, whoever told you Istikharah has to be done for 7 days continuously has erred. There is no such prescription. Instead, Istikharah is done once; if one is not clear, then once again and agin until one is clear. Does not have to be continuous, everyday.
Abu Abdul Bari
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Just want to know when husband can seek another wife?
A man can seek another wife at any time, if he finds inside himself the capability, the physical capability, figurative capability (being up to the task), and financial capability, as Shaikh Salih as Suhaymee mentions. The figurative capability includes the ability to deal justly between the wives.
Abu Abdul Bari
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
can a man marry without the first wife not knowing. Will the marriage be valid according to ISLAM. What are the reasons for a man to marry 4 times, why isnt that an issue? Can someone explain?
Why would he not inform the first wife? By doing this, he would be breaking the rule, which says he should be just. In most cases, if he chooses not to inform, then he would be doing this to cheat the first wife. But if he does that, it wont be invalid, while he MAY be considered a wrongdoer, Wallahu A'lam.
There are no reasons mentioned for a man to marry 4 times. It is a permission given by Allah in His Quran, which a man can act upon.
Abu Abdul Bari
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
@abu abdul bari thank you for your explanation.
Brother;
I am not an Alim but as far as Istikharah is concerned, it should be done by this woman whom u want as ur 2nd wife because does ALLAH want her to share ur love between her & ur 1st wife. She should infact do the Istikharah and not u . If she is not well versed with it than she can ask some of her good Muslimah friend to do the Istikharah for her. First of all this 2nd marriage cannot be contracted if u say that u love both of them dearly in one single breath. Our dear Prophet SAW contracted most of the marriages with divorced women and that too for posterity's sake.
U are not a virgin anymore and please don't spoil her life for fetching herself a virgin husband. U should control ur libido and keep it safe for ur 1st wife.
Brother, u are infact gone far away from ur deen. Work upon on ur nimaz and try to pray with khushoo along with the 12 Sunnah.
If u dearly love her, then let her alone. May ALLAH guide u to become a true Muslim. AMEEN.
Why not him? He should do Istikharah as well; there is nothing that prevents him from doing so. In fact, anybody who intends to start any work should do Istikharah without any restriction.
Abu Abdul Bari
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salam brother,
I will try my best to answer your question of why her behaviour is changed since she performed istikhara. Since when you did istikhara, it shows a positive result at your end which encouraged you to believe that your decision of marrying her is in best interest of you and your family. It might be the case and you might be able to justify equal behaviour and treatment for your both wives (after you marry her).
Whereas, I believe that while performing istikhara at her end she probably did not feel or get the feelings of comfort and thus decided to keep a distance from you. From her side, as brother mentioned above, woman usually find difficult to share their love with other women. So is the case at her end. If she is keeping a distance from you, I would suggest you let her choose what is best for her and don't just tell her that istikhara is okay at your end. Let her find and decide her own decision.
May Allah do best for both of you and your wife and children. Ameen.
Sister Aqua.