Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Parents not agreeing to marriage with a Bengali girl.

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The Messenger of Allah (saw) said: "A man marries a woman for four reasons: for her property, for her rank, for her beauty, and for her religion (and character). So marry the one who is best in the religion and character and prosper". (Bukhari & Muslim)

Assalam O Alaikum,

I am a 24 year Tamil Muslim guy working  in India. I recently met a Bengali girl through internet who is 21 year old. I liked her as she is beautiful and has interest in religion and then we decided to get married. My family is not allowing me to marry her of language difference and due to the fact that we live quite far from each other. We have known each other for just a few months and can’t say we are both in love but we like and respect each other.

I am very confused whether to marry her or not as she told me that she had a boyfriend for 3 years before she met me. She found out that her boyfriend was having sexual relationship with other girls as well and then she broke-up with him. Since we had known each other for just a few months I couldn’t understand her character fully. When I went through her Orkut (social website like face book) profile, I found out that she wasn’t very strict with the guys. She chatted with them casually and even gave her number to one of the guy. She did these things before meeting me. After seeing her Orkut profile, we had a fight and she told me that she is not using that website anymore after realising that there are many guys who just flirt with girls.

Whenever, I remember that she had an affair before me, I feel sad and upset about it. So, could someone advise me what should I do? If I stand for her then my parents will allow me to marry her but I am in a confused state of mind and don’t know what to do? Should I spend some more time with her over the phone and get to know her properly; should I wait for my parents to decide after they meet her or should I leave her because of the distance between us and language problems that my parents will face with her?  I can speak Hindi, Tamil and English and she speaks Hindi, Bengali and English but my parents are worried that they won’t be able to communicate with her in Tamil. However, she has promised me that she will treat my family with respect and will learn Tamil language soon.

I hope to get a good answer to my problem Insha Allah.

One_one16a


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17 Responses »

  1. Asslamu alaikum warhamthallahi Wrbkathuhu,

    Im also Tamil aswell brother so i can sort of understand where your parents are coming from. Even my parents will not allow me to marry a man whose dosesnt speak Tamil. Its just maybe that what language will your kids learn?? and if your parents native language is tamil, then they would definetely like them to learn tamil. but will your patner be ok with that??. Theres so many problems which can arise due to language barrier brother.

    From personal expereince, meeting online is not the best way to find a life patner. there can be so much lies involved, when you think you know that person and your find out that they're totally different to what you thought. Im presuming that she's not a muslim yet?? you said she has interst in the religion but why does she have that interst? does she truly believe that islam is the truth?? Has she start pracitising yet?

    Choose wisely brother, this is a life commitment and you dont want to end up taking the wrong decision. Its nothing wrong im marrying outside your community, but it is what you do after marriage that matters. Offer Istikhara brother, this will give you a path to follow.

    You said that you didnt know very well, so i think thats the best place to start. Rather than speaking on the phone, the best way to talk is to go to her house, or vice versa and speak infront of a mahram. In your case, she live far from you so i think mailing is alot safer. Not like msn, facebook chats or with webcam but just mailing is safer. Theres the famous hadith the editors have put under the image, and thats the only thing you should be following when choosing a spouse. Wait and see how it goes, theres no need to rush.

    inshallah, i hope i have helped brother. May Allah(swt) give a poius wife.

    Your sister in islam.

    • Assalamu Alaykum

      Sister Kadijah your right and I can also understand it because I am also a tamil speaking muslim

      Regards

      Akhila

  2. Salaams One_one16a

    If her past bothers you so much leave her and marry someone exactly like you. That way you will be much happier because if you are insecure abut her past right now, how you going to feel once to marry her? Will you be able to trust her, love her etc. She suffered herself knowing she trusted someone for 3years in a relationship and then met you before doing those things. The reason behind it was probably she wanted to see what other guys are really like and how their minds work, maybe sister wanted a commitment halaal marriage as well. We don’t know maybe you should ask her what she wants or what you really want. But from what I think you are the one who is insecure and culture seems very important to you as well as your parents. Also you are not 100% sure yourself. If this really makes you sad and bothers you so much and it seems it does then leave and chose another woman of your choice whom your parents can agree too. DO NOT lead this sister on she deserves honesty as false promises she may have suffered there are also brothers who suffer in hands of these vile people who use another and then dump later on as if nothing happen this really breaks my heart into pieces. Respect means a lot to me and as I believe treat others as others treat you, let this sister know of your intentions and what you think, maybe you should meet her face to face as well if you feel you are comfortable in meeting in a public place etc. I hope brother you don’t see I am being rude but believe me in the long run you see the advices you get here will be the best for you. BTW internet is a very dangerous place to look for partners due to many people telling lies and some people are naïve tend to be women mainly just be careful take your time. Have you tried wedding venue’s, social gathering’s with families maybe someone in your family can get the word around for you see if that makes a difference or gets somewhere for you inshallah. Wish you the best for the future w/salaams

  3. Hello,

    I understand what you are going through. I want to let you know that if her past is bothering you now so much then it will also affect you in the future. I had the same exact personal issue before. You should never ask you wife or girlfriend about their past and you should never tell yours because of the fact that it will one day always come back to haunt you in your future. It is hard to get over someone's past no matter how hard you try. Despite how well the relationship is going, a conversation about the past or thought about the past will always lead to future fights, suspicions, mistrust, etc. I have experienced all this in my past. Despite dating the boy for several years, we broke up because there was always fights because of my past. And what was sad was that he was the one who went as far as to have sex with other girls in his past relationships and I never went anywhere close to that but my past was what came in the way. He did not like the idea of me flirting with other men before him.

  4. Is love marriage haram? Is it haram to fall in love with your spouse before you both got married to each other. Why did Allah give us the natural feeling to love or appreciate the opposite sex f it is haram? I was told by most muslim sisters that even in the absence of physical impurity, developing love or special feeling towards someone before your marriage tO him is haram. This does bring justice as the way i see it. Or maybe im wrong. Pls explain

    • Sofia, there's nothing wrong with having feelings of love. As you said, it is natural. What matters is that you stay within the Islamic boundaries of behavior. The problem is that allowing yourself to "fall in love" with someone before marriage often leads to un-Islamic behavior, because your emotions get the best of you.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  5. Tnx wael. I have more qurstions: is going out to the restaurant with your spouse to be to get to know each other better, withour violating islamic principle of keeping oneself pure, haram? Lots of us muslims do not even see our fiance or fiancee until the wedding day. It is always our patents who choose. Sad to say, lots of these marriages do npt last. I believe n love marriage rather tham forvrd or arrangrf by parents.

    • I think there's nothing wrong with it, though it would be better to have a chaperon who can sit with you or at a nearby table. If you have more questions then please log in and write your questions as a separate post, thank you.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  6. dear brother,
    loving a girls is not problem, just your age 24 and her age 21, first find a good job and settle in life, afer 28 you will get everthing automatically,

  7. Assalamu alaikum brothers and sisters,

    Thanks for your nice responses. Sorry for the late reply.. Actually I forgot to give some details in my post. I have met my bengali girl in her home along with her family. They spoke well and I like that girl more after meeting her. She is sweet and straight forward. She is good muslim, although she does not pray strictly five times a day. She is very beautiful and which admired me most. She has good sense of maintaining her beauty and have good managing skills of her house. The problem what my mother tells not to marry her is that suppose if marry a tamil girl, then I will have my bride side relatives nearby and they will be easy to help me at anytime. I am a software engineer by profession. For me beauty is very important when I want to marry a girl along with all her dheen and talents. I feel she has it. But since we haven't meet many times, I cant predict her full character. I feel tamil girls are not so beautiful and so this is one point why I like to marry this bengali girl rather than marrying a tamil girl from my place. My parents agreed to meet her and decide about whether she is going to be my wife. But since Kolkata it is too far from my tamilnadu, they are not able to go so soon. They have booked train tickets long ago but unfortunately they had to cancel it for some reasons. But they are thinking to go again just for my satisfaction and decide, else they are not really happy to go and meet her. This is mainly because their family cant speak my language and her family also cant speak our language and other reason my parents dislike is it is too far distance. WHen I met her, her parents liked me and they agreed to give their daughter for me.

    Sisters and brothers I think now you have clear picture of my situation. I am doubting If i loose this girl then will I get another most beautiful girl, for me normal homely beauty is not enough, I expect much beauty and since it is my long time wish I think I cant reduce my expections even if I loose this girl. I head from many people that bengali girls are more beautiful and talented.

    Considering all my situations from family and a genral muslim, please advice me.

  8. Asalam wa alykume sofia
    The messenger of allah said that there is nothing better for two people who love one another than marriage ".......... So yes u can love the person you marry indeed it is one of the meqrcys of allah and allah uses it as a sign in the quran where he remipnds us thathe has created for us mates from our selves and put love and mercy between them ..... So yea u can.

    Sofia dont take this the wrong way but where on earth are you from ? Is there really a place that people doubt whether or not you should love some one or not to getmarried or are u joking ?

    • Many people in the subcontinent have the idea that only an arranged marriage is proper, while a so-called "love marriage" is shameful or sinful. It stems from a very authoritarian culture in which young people are not encouraged to think for themselves or have a say in their own destinies.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  9. Dear ..First of all parents and first then any body ...

  10. As-salamu alaykum brother one-one. Have you resolved this issue yet? If not, then here's my advice: either forgive the girl's past, and move forward with love and acceptance to marry her; or break it off with her.

    Regardless of whatever mistakes this girl made in the past, it seems like she is basically a good girl. She loves you, she is intelligent, she is loyal to you, and she is willing to do whatever she can to make a marriage work (such as learning Tamil so she can communicate with your family). She's also beautiful and wants to learn more about her religion. Frankly, she seems like a real catch to me.

    It's not what we did in the past that defines us, it's who we are today. We cannot change the past. It's done. All we can do is be good people today.

    But if you cannot accept her from your heart, will no ill-feeling about her past, then you should break up with her. It's not fair to her otherwise.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  11. Assalam O leykum
    Bro .. I'm also a Tamil Guy from KanyaKumari .. I too fallen n love with a Bangladeshi Grl who I found n Facebook, and v both came 2 know about each other through FB .. I've converted 2 Islamic also I believe n my Allan nd as well as my Love, coz I worship them both truly.. She s a Doctor and I'm a Seaman I often will out of my home .. V both trust each other and v respect our feelings, my parents knew and also her .. Now I'm 25 yo .. I've few responsibilities like I need 2 built my own house, nd have a money back up .. So still she's waiting 4 me 2 finish it of .. InshaAllah I hope I will marry within 2 yrs.. Sis nd bros pray 4 us .. Allah Hafiz..

  12. Brother best thing to do is istakhara. Allah (sw) will guide you to the right path. You will get all your answers from your istakhara.

  13. *allah (swt)

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