I feel betrayed, cheated, hurt, let down and confused.
Ideal Muslim Husband
Assalamu alaykum.
I am 24 years old, I want to marry a guy (Waheed) of my own choice. My family did not accept him at first because he is from a different caste and because he is poor and we are wealthy. My family are extremely strict, I do not have brothers or sisters and my father passed away 2 years ago, but my 2 uncles live with us, when they found out about me and him they separated us.
However we were still in touch with each other secretly as my cousin gave me her spare mobile phone and we remained in touch for about 2 years. We were both serious about each other, we had a relationship for 3 years before my family found out. I met his family (4 sisters, 2 brothers and parents) they are all great people, and they all really liked me.
When my family found out they hit the roof, they met him and they disliked him and his family, this didn't put them off though, they waited and waited in the hope that my family might change their mind and agree to let me marry. After 2 years 6 months passed and still nothing, my family sent me away to live with my relatives in Newcastle, my life changed so much I was studying, but that stopped.
I had no future no hope; I just thought about Waheed all the time, then one day I got a call from my cousin telling me that she saw waheed at the cinema's with another girl. I was very hurt, he had promised me that he would wait for me and do everything he could to make things work for us. I received a voice message from him stating that he loved me, but things were just not going to work my family would never accept him because of his poor financial status.
I came back to my home town of London after 6 months and joined my space without my family knowing. I added a friend and saw that waheed was on there as well, I got in touch with him and he seemed so happy to hear from me. He told me that the relationship he had with the other girl only lasted 2 weeks, and he was not in love with her, he regretted it. I could tell he was being very sincere. So we decided to stay in touch and wait for my family to agree to us getting married. We saw each other a few times (4 times) over the course of 8 months; my cousin use to take me shopping and we would meet with waheed. But we were on myspace every day so we were in touch everyday. I was happy as his feelings seemed exactly the same as mine and we still wanted to get married.
In December of last year, Waheed pursued his father to speak to a relative of mine about my hand in marriage, he spoke with my uncle, and my uncle spoke to my family, and they agreed that me and Waheed could marry. My uncles apologised to me for the physical abuse they gave me; they beat me up pretty badly when they found out. I could not believe that they agreed and I told Waheed who was very happy. We met up a few times and planned how his mum and dad should come to my home and speak to my family. A few months passed and waheed spoke to his father, they came around, spoke to my parents and they accepted.
However, they were still very strict with me and him; they did not let us see each other much and I was no allowed to call him and he was not allowed to call me either. I found this very strange as they had agreed but they were not letting us see and speak to one another. 3 months ago; I was on myspace and found out that waheed had another account, I told my cousin and she added him from her other account and she said that this account was made to flirt with other girls. A few of his friends were on it as well and that he was in a relationship with another girl for the last 7 months.
His friends knew that he was going to marry me, and they knew that he was using this girl. The relationship wasn't serious, my cousin said that it looked to be that he was messing around with this other girl, flirting, going to see her, sleeping with her and using her for sex. I asked Waheed about this and he denied it. However, I feel that it is true, the other girl told my cousin everything and Waheed denied it. I still want to marry him and he still wants to marry me, he says that he knows I am the one he wants to spend his life with.
He has constantly apologised for his actions, and he is trying to better himself now. He doesn't seem to have changed towards me at all, he has done so much for us to be together, he pursued his father constantly to come to my house, even though his mother, gran and sisters told him to forget about me as my family would never accept him because he is poor. He has done so much other good things for me that I can not even name on here as they would take all day. I am willing to forgive him and I love him dearly, and deep down inside I know he loves me too but he is under the influence of his friends who are terrible, they drink, go out clubbing, smoke drugs, sleep around with girls etc. He does not have a bad heart, and even though his actions are very bad, his other actions (pursuing his father to come to my house, crying over me, standing up to his parents and fighting for me) show me he cares.
He has very weak faith, he does not fast, he does not pray and he does not know the Quran, he understands this is wrong and he is willing to change, I am willing to to help him in anyway I can. I really want to spend my life with Waheed and I know he wants to spend his life with me, deep down he is not a bad person just very weak. He has never done anything like this before and he has always put me first, he always tells me to cover up when I go out, with this other girl, he did not care what she did at all, whether she went out drunk or in a mini skirt he was not bothered. He did not introduce her to his family he did not introduce her to any of his decent friends, she was like his dirty little secret, someone there to pass time and fulfil his sexual needs. I feel hurt by all this but I also feel this is Allah's way of assigning me a task to help waheed become a better person.
He was a very good person when we were together - as in seeing each other (we did not have any sexual relations with each other despite being together for 3 years), but once we got separated things just went down hill. My faith isn't 100% either and I am hoping that we can both improve together. Waheed and I now see each other regularly and we speak over the phone and text each other as my uncles have come around to this idea.
Please advise on what I should do and how I can trust him again? He seems very remorseful of his actions, he did not want to disclose them to me because of the hurt they would cause me, and the shame he feels. He has told me he feels very frightened and scared a feeling that he may pass away - is this down to his sins?
Jazakillah khairun
~ Striving Muslimah
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Salaam,
A Muslim of Allah cares for his/her safety from the Fire of Jahannam and tries to seek an approach to Allah by means of Qur'an and salaat and doing islaah (correcting previous actions by constantly doing good deeds) and turns to Allah to save him/her from the Fire and make him/ her enter Jannah.
Somehow lot of those who call themselves Muslims seem to have lost faith in Aakhirah and if there is faith, it is very little, which is why all this desperation and messing up of life instead of our devotion to Allah.
They want every joy in dunya and fulfill their desires anyhow because theycare less about aakhirah, they care less about " wal aakhiratu khayrun wa abaqaa, the Hereafter is better and moe lasting, that which Allah has is better than worldly pleasures and past times.
This is why Allah says in Surah Ahzaab, Ayaat 21:
Verily in the messenger of Allah ye have a good example for him who looketh unto Allah and the last Day and remembereth Allah much.
What does Allah say?
He says that we have a good example in the Messenger for a person who looks to Allah and the Last Day for all Ajr, all rewards, all pleasures and the great victory and remembers Allah much. A person who does not run after wordly pleasures.
It is sad to know your father passed away and uncles behaved badly. Lady, you have to know that we have to obey Allah and His Messenger i.e Qur'an revealed by Allah and delivered by His Messenger to mankind and submit ourselves, our nafs to it as much as we can with haqq, then only we are believers else our iimaan is going waste.
Below is the sequence of events which happened with Moosa (peace be upon him) from the Qur'an, Surah 28, Al Qasas. It has a beautiful du'aa, it shows a girl's hint to her father and how a father put's forward a marriage proposal and which qualities are considered in marrying a daughter, even if the guy is not rich, rather Moosa calls himself "faqiir" or "poor".
23. And when he came unto the water of Midian he found there a whole tribe of men, watering. And he found apart from them two women keeping, back (their flocks). He said: What aileth you? The two said: We cannot give (our flocks) to drink till the shepherds return from the water; and our father is a very old man.
24. So he watered (their flock) for them. Then he turned aside into the shade, and said: My Lord! I am needy of whatever good thou sendest down for me.
25. Then there came unto him one of the two women, walking shyly. She said: Lo! my father biddeth thee, that he may reward thee with a payment for that thou didst water (the flock) for us. Then, when he came unto him and told him the (whole) story, he said: Fear not! Thou hast escaped from the wrongdoing folk.
26. One of the two women said: O my father! Hire him! For the best (man) that thou canst hire is the strong, the trustworthy.
27. He said: Lo! I fain would marry thee to one of these two daughters of mine on condition that thou hirest thyself to me for (the term of) eight pilgrimages. Then if thou completest ten it will be of thine own accord, for I would not make it hard for thee. Allah willing, thou wilt find me of the righteous.
28. He said: That (is settled) between thee and me. Whichever of the two terms I fulfil, there will be no injustice to me, and Allah is Surety over what we say.
If son in law is in poor financial condition the father in law should if he can help him get settled. This is Al Hikmah taught by Allah in the Qur'an. Yes, the condition on the man's part is he should be strong (mentally as well as physically) , so that he can carry out work and earn the bread and trust worthy, so that he performs his duties as a husband as a trustworthy person.
You should also look for these qualities in a person. Remember, it is not for women to try and improve other non mahram men and see to their adherence to iimaan, it is has never been a role for women to look after a non mahram man's iimaan and to see to it that he improves.
Do you see strength and trustworthiness in this guy? I do not feel he is trustworthy from what you wrote about his actions while being in touch with you.
It is human tendency to find places of seeking love and attachment while being single, but being Muslims we have to obey Allah and His Messenger when they say in Surah 17, Al Israa:
32. And come not near unto faahishaa. It is an abomination and an evil way.
We should not need people keeping watch on us or preventing us from being friends with the opposite sex, it is a "hukm" of Allah and we have to carry it out to be in safety from Allah's wrath in dunya and aakhirah.
This is Allah's Deen - His Judgment - that you come in to Islam, in to Peace, if you do wrong, you go astray and then move towards the Fire, you go away from peace and so, any other judgment than what Allah has decided for you is not acceptable with Allah.
So have taqwa, take gaurd, and turn away from those who make a jest and sport of Judgment of Allah and are careless of the Hereafter.
Keep away from evil and seek refuge of Allah from Shaytaan.
26. O Children of Adam! We have revealed unto you raiment to conceal your shame, and splendid vesture, but the raiment of restraint from evil, that is best. This is of the revelations of Allah, that they may remember.
27. O Children of Adam! Let not Satan seduce you as he caused your (first) parents to go forth from the Garden and tore off from them their robe that be might manifest their shame to them. Lo! he seeth you, he and his tribe, from whence ye see him not. We have made the devils protecting friends for those who believe not.
28. And when they do some lewdness they say: We found our fathers doing it and Allah hath enjoined it on us. Say: Allah, verily, enjoineth not lewdness. Tell ye concerning Allah that which ye know not?
29. Say: My Lord enjoineth justice. And set your faces, upright at every place of worship and call upon Him, making Deen/ Judgment pure for Him (only). As He brought you into being, so return ye. - Surah Al An'am.
If Waheed repents truely to Allah, than the sign of true repentance is not repeating the sin, Insha Allah.
17. Forgiveness is only incumbent on Allah toward those who do evil in ignorance (and) then turn quickly (in
repentance) to Allah. These are they toward whom Allah relenteth. Allah is ever Knower, Wise.
18. The forgiveness is not for those who do ill deeds until, when death attendeth upon one of them, he saith: I repent now; nor yet for those who die while they are disbelievers. For such We have prepared a painful doom.
To die as disbelievers does not mean to die in jahilliyaah, to die as a kuffar means to come across the aayats of Allah and then deny them by turning away from them, that is kufr, rejection of truth.
157. Or lest ye should say: If the Scripture had been revealed unto us, we surely had been better guided than are they. Now hath there come unto you a clear proof from your Lord, a guidance and a mercy; and who doeth greater wrong than he who denieth the revelations of Allah, and turneth away from them? We award unto those who turn away from Our revelations an evil doom because of their aversion. - Surah Al An'am.
If Allah gives you the good fortune to reach His Book, Insha Allah recite His aayaats and ponder upon them and act upon them if you believe in Allah and His aayats.
77. That is indeed a Noble Qur’an
78. In a Book kept hidden
79. Which none toucheth save the purified,
80. A revelation from the Lord of the Worlds. - Surah 56, Al Waqia'
This purification and touching is not wudu, a non Muslim can also touch the book without purification, but the aayaats speak of the Message of the Qur'an, the Noble Qur'an - Study, which is inside a Book of paper easy in reach yet none can touch it, except those who purify their faith for Allah alone and shun all human additions to His Book, for it is a revelation from Allah, the Lord of the Worlds.
17. And in truth We have made the Qur’an easy to remember; but is there any that remembered? - Surah 54, Al Qamar.
Allah has given answers to all your life questions in His Book, believe Him and He will clarify to you all things.
89. And (bethink you of) the day when We raise in every nation a witness against them of their own folk, and We bring thee (Muhammad) as a witness against these. And We reveal the Scripture unto thee as an exposition of all things, and a guidance and a mercy and good tidings for the Muslims.
Allah again and again calls us to His Book , for He has explained all things in detial for the Muslims. Insha Allah, you will find the course ahead from it.
24. Will they then not meditate on the Qur’an, or are there locks on the hearts? - Surah 47, Muhammad
Salaam.
Salam sister
U told he was using an another women as an sex tool
His iman is weak he does not pray or fast either
Well it is said that if a muslim leaves 4 jumma sallah that is if he doesnt pray 4 jummah salah in a month he is a kafir
Even in a time of an war sallah is not forgiven
It is said that even if muslim loses the battle n the enemy is chasing them even in this time sallh is compulsary on the muslim
Well he is a young man what problem he has in not keeping fast , there no excuses in fasting.
N i guess u too r not strict in your iman as well
he used have flirt with a girl , n u r ok
N can u guarantee he will not do this after ur marriage
Well if u have neglected and accepted him inspite of knowing all these bad qualities of his
Then...... I guess comment over her wont help u coz i feel u have already taken the desicion
Salaam…thank you all for your responses. But since I have known him for over 5 years I feel this was totally out of character. If he did not feel anything for me, why has he run around asking his father to come to my home, even though my family rejected him at first and made his family look like fools? We are not really together, we just keep in touch with one another – again I know this is wrong and we have asked for forgiveness for this. I am not making excuses for him, I am not perfect, I have made a great deal mistakes myself, but I do love and care about him, as he does for me. I can not write my whole life story on here, but this is just one action that he has done. The prior incident, was separate and we both overcame that – and he still wanted to spend his life with me, and I wanted to spend my life with him. I appreciate everyone’s responses, but none of you know Waheed, you only know about this one incident, (admittedly it is very bad) but he has good qualities. We have been in a haram relationship, and we both regret that and that is why we are working on a nikkah very soon insh’Allah. We spoke yesterday, in which I completely broke down and he also cried and is willing to change. He feels very very remorseful and we have both decided to give it a go insh’Allah. He understands his wrong doing, and has vowed nothing like this will happen again, and I believe him. We are both weak in faith, I am now working on my deen and he will be aswell insh’Allah. We are both willing to put the past behind us and work on our future. We are aware that trust has been broken, and it will take time to rebuild it, but we are both willing to work on this.
well sister that y in the end of my comment i told u this
Then...... I guess comment over her wont help u ,,coz i feel u have "already taken the desicion"
Be careful. Piety is the best and strongest basis for a marriage.
Salam,
It may hurt now, but to choose for the sake of Allah, a person who submits to Allah is better for
you and your unborn children. Will he be a good father? Good husband? If he sleeps around now, he can do the same once he feels you are not enough to satisfy his "needs", after marriage. Please decide wisely dear sister. For men, It is easier...trust me. For women, once you wed and have children, it terribly complicates matter when marital problem arises. InsyaAllah may Allah guide you to make the right decision. He is the turner of hearts.
Wassalam
Asalamoalaikum Striving Muslimah,
After reading your post (and seeing numerous) red flags everywhere the best advice I can give you is to end this relationship and all contact with this guy, period.
There are two reasons for this.
Firstly,
as a muslimah you have a higher responsibility towards Allah swt and anything that takes you astray from Him is forbidden dear sis. You are in a haram relationship despite it not going to the level of being physically intimate. I understand that you got your family involved and they rejected him (according to you) on the sole basis of his status, but I believe there are more reasons as to why he should be rejected and not considered as a potential candidate for marriage. In this time span you both have sinned and kept following your haram desires, especially this guy. By displeasing Allah swt you cannot receive His blessings and without his blessings your marriage will not be successful.
Secondly,
this guy does not love you and I say this because he has no control over his nafs and has become a puppet to his desires. He is sinning immensely against his own soul and he doesn’t need you to make him realize that. He’s old enough to reason between what’s right and wrong and haram and halal. He chose not to be religious, he chose those friends and most importantly he chose to cheat on you. You are missing out on the big picture here; he is a cheater. Your heart may want to forgive him but ask yourself sister, is this the type of guy you want to spend the rest of your life with—someone far from their deen and someone who his dishonest (and only admitted this once you caught him red handed)? He may be nice to you but does that really matter since he has been two timing you? So what if he tells you to cover up and not the other girl, what difference does that make when he decided to sleep with her and share this sacred bond that is only there for us to enjoy after marriage with our spouse? Has he respected you, more importantly is he respecting Allah swt’s law?
As females we tend to think emotionally and often we let this aspect overpower us and blur our insight of what’s right and what’s wrong. I’m sure deep down you know that being with him is wrong (hence you are writing here for advice) but you keep justifying his actions. He isn’t a baby anymore, he’s a grown man who is making his own decisions and will face the consequences (both good and bad) from Allah swt. My dear sister, no one can change anybody, we can only change ourselves—this idea that many females hold that we can change these bad playboys and make them fall head over heels in love with us is absolutely incorrect and very filmy.
The truth is striving muslimah, this guy does not love you because if he did he would have saved his most important asset and shared it with you because this intimate action is not just physical, it brings with it a whole set of emotions—love, attachment, warmth and trust and he just gave up this experience with someone who he doesn’t even love, someone he’s using for physical purposes. But more importantly, he cheated on you which tells me that he doesn’t respect nor love you—your just an option for him and not a priority. Since you didn’t give him what he wanted, he went and got it from elsewhere. Is that really the type of guy you wish to marry and call your husband?
You need to really think deep and hard about this guy. Allah swt is showing you numerous signs but you are failing to pick up on them.
I pray that Allah swt opens your eyes and fills your heart with the wisdom to make the right decision for this duniya and for your akhirat, ameen.
-Helping Sister
sister, how can he cheat on her when they are not even married?
You are right brother that the couple are not married and there is no 'relationship' in Islam except marriage. Islamically its wrong to have a pre-marital relationship and a bad idea, especially when parents refuse marriage. BUT the brother agreed to marry her - and when we are considering someone for marriage we are usually behaving at our best. You would expect him to not be messing around with other girls if he really seriously wants to marry her.
If he is going to cheat when they are not even married, how will he be after they marry. Everyone knows this is when the problems start. It is just common sense as not everything fits into black and white.
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
We are not married no, or engaged, we just keep in touch with each other.
Thank you for clarifying my train of thought sister Sara !
Brother Abu-Az-Zubayr,
You are absolutely correct, but what I meant in terms of “cheating” is that if this man is interested in her and has also discussed this with his and her family then there is a level of “commitment” in terms of giving your word that he should live up to.
If someone asks for my hand, discusses it with his and my family and then is pursuing another relationship behind my back I will feel betrayed even though I am not married to him because he showed his interest in me for marriage which suggests to me that he has chosen his life partner and does not need to seek potential candidates anymore. And if he’s behaving this way prior to marriage, what guarantee do I have that it will not get worse after marriage?
-Helping Sister
i think i know what you said.
if a person asks for your hand and shows intrest in you and discusses it with his family and your family, and then he goes and sleeps with a woman who is not halaal for him [girlfriend], you should not feel oppressed in anyway because he has not done you any harm, he has only oppressed himself.
when he betrays you is after the nikah.
infact if a man exposes himself and what kind of a person he is, you should be happy he has shown you his true colours.
striving muslimah please dont listen to him, because everything he says is just under the moon.Allaah ma'ak
You are absolutely correct, brother.
Sometimes we only see the losses we incur with the hardships we face but there is a hidden gift that Allah swt gives us with every triumph—a lesson that some people learn, while others do not.
JazakAllah kharyn for the reminder. Your train of thought eases my heart in regards to some of my own personal issues.
-Helping Sister
He is slowly opening up about what happend. And it seems as though there were a few things in which the girl was dishonest about - both my cousin and Waheed have spotted her lies. She has exaggerated things quite a bit. I decided to get involved aswell, and realised she was lying about quite a few things.
I have a gut feeling, and it says that this is just a blip, and will not happen again. I can not imagine why anybody would make such an effort, after they have been humilated and their family have been humilated - surely it shows something? He had the choice to marry anyone in these last few years, but he persued his dad about me. That does prove quite a lot from where I am standing. Yes it was his choice to have such friends, they were not always this way, girls who sleep around, drink etc. but thankfully I have not been influenced by them. I do not have strong faith - i.e I do not pray or read the Quran - I have my own faults, I am not perfect. Yes it was his choice to cheat, and only he knows his reason's...but everyone makes mistakes..I have seen people who have been in previous relationships and girl have got pregant, given their child away and have still gone onto marry people of their own choices, who have accepted and forgiven their mistakes.
I think you should re-read your original post. This girl was his "dirty little secret".
Love yourself a little, sister. Why would you want to be with a man who has a "dirty little secret" on the side? Do you have so little confidence in your own self worth that you would want to marry a man who professes to want to marry you yet has a little fling on the side?
Let Waheed have his flings. Remember something: people can change their habits, but the essence of who they are never changes.
Once the honeymoonn is over between the two of you, he will go back to the way he was.
I'm sorry to be harsh, but you must think with your head, not your heart. This man has no respect for you.
I would not say I have no confidence sister, I just know that I have made mistakes myself, not out of lack of respect towards him, just out of boredom, and I regret them immensly - so I can understand him to a point.
Sister,
The fact that you have made mistakes is irrelevant. Do you feel that because you made mistakes, you therefore require someone else who has made mistakes,, too?
The question is, is this man good enough for you. I read your comment in response to Sara, below, that you posted today, and again, you refer to this other girl as "she was just available to pass his time."
"She was just available to pass his time".
What kind of man who is serious about settling down and who is in love with someone else, enters into a relationship because a girl is "available" and he needs to "pass his time". Sister, he could have passed his time in the library. He could have passed his time in the mosque. He could have passed his time by taking a computer course. Instead, he had a casual sexual relationship. And now, you want to spend the rest of your life with this man because he has all the qualities you feel would make a good husband? And you think all of the above is ok, because you have made mistakes too? I know there are others who would agree with me, but dabbling on Myspace and tumblr is not that big of a deal. It does not even come close to what this guy has done in your absence.
Please remember something, and take it from someone who is much older than you and who has been out in the real world a lot longer than you have: He will do this again. I know you don't want to hear that. And the real tragedy is that it will likely happen after you have been married for a few months or years, you may have a baby or two, and boom - he's bored and decides to have a casual fling with another woman. Do you have a back up plan to deal with this scenario, or are you 100% certain that it will never ever ever happen?
Salaam sister.
Please read Helping sisters response very carefully. She has offered excellent advice MashaAllah and there is no need for me to reiterate. What I wanted to add is do not ignore the signs Allah swt has given you and don't let your emotions cloud your judgement.
It was wrong of him to cheat on you not once but twice! Also the way he looked at the girl is disgusting. Even if she dresses that way do you really want to marry a man who doesn't respect women and who use them for his own desires. Thirdly even if he was a good Muslim, your parents wouldn't accept it and theres a chance they could change their mind.
"He was a very good person when we were together - as in seeing each other (we did not have any sexual relations with each other despite being together for 3 years)"
Sister people change or sometimes the people we loved were not the ones we thought they were.
You should never be with someone to change them. You should assess how a person is at the time, and not just what they promise, you should see how their behaviour in situations reflects their personality. I strongly advise you to RUN from this guy. Staying with him will only cause you problems.
You will move on InshaAllah, it just takes time. Run towards Allah swt. Change yourself. You do not need this guy for change or for anything. You only need Allah swt as a helper. If Allah is with you, who can turn against you but if Allah is against you, who is with you? Doesn't matter if you have this guy and the whole world, but if Allah is not with you, you are alone and lost. Focus on your deen now, dont rush to find another brother to marry - give yourself time to heal and focus on deen. Keep busy with useful halal activities, spend time with nice sisters etc.
Do not despair, turn to him, make sincere tawbah. Vow to never go near haraam relationships again and ask Allah to make it easy for you to stay away and to move on. Its a very tough move but in hindsight you won't regret it.
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaam sister Sara 🙂
I have seen your post on another thread - 'my finance cheated on me should I marry him'
and you have been quite different in your tone on that one. Saying that the sister should judge her finacee on what he is like now, rather than his past actions. I have also seem a number of other threads, where people have spoken about being cheated on, and have been advised to work things out. Whereas my thread, has largely been to end things.
Yes terrible things have been done, but a great deal of good has also been done. His father, mother, and grandmother, were very reluctant to come to my home - which is understandable - if they had been quicker, and my family were not so harsh, perhaps this would not have happend. I am not looking for excuses, merely looking at things from different perspectives. A young man and woman want to get married, they are seperated, and his family are humilated, he tries his utmost best to convince his father - who is not the worlds most understanding father by the way. So there is a delay in getting married - a huge delay. Marriage proposals have come for him and myself and we have both rejected them - this was at the time when we had no contact, so neither of us knew if the other had married, we both turned the proposals down in the hope that perhaps one day we could marry. A number of months pass, and a move is finally made - yes he was in a relationship with somebody else (which from what I have gathered from her and him was not serious), she was just available to pass his time. Through-out this whole time he is constantly been asking his father to come to my home - he has even said, that if we had got married this would not have happened - and I agree 100%. Both families knew we wanted to marry, and both held back, I was taken away and he was left, not being supported by his family. I myself am not perfect, I have used the Internet to distract my attention away from him - by using my space, and tumblr to communicate with other men - but my intention has always been to marry him as I do not want to spend my life with any other person, as I love him. People reading this will most likey think I do not love him or care about him, but I do, despite my inappropriate communication with other men. Only I know, and Waheed knows what we feel for on another. I have made mistakes and his is a grave mistake aswell, but the fact that we are both willing to marry each other, spend or lives togther, help each other with Salah, and make Hajj and Umrah together does that not show anything?
Salaam.
Ultimately dear sister, the choice is yours.
You know him better than we do, but these did seem like warning signs. Maybe he has really changed, I don't know. What ever you decide its a good idea seek Allahs guidance through istikhaarah if you know how. There are links at top of page. I do not want to judge him but make sure you are viewing the situation objectively. Give him a chance to prove that he's changed. Do not send out the message that what he did was OK by justifying it dear sister. We are only looking out for you, as many in your situation find that he doesnt change or gets worse. I hope this is not the case with you InshaAllah.
I pray that Allah swt gives you what is best for you.
Ameen
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
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Sister Striving Muslimah,
I feel as if you have already decided what you want to do which is to forgive him and marry him.
No one can give you a guarantee or an assurance that this guy has/has not changed. We do not know him personally and even if we did we could not give you a 100% gurantee that what you want to do will turn out to be for your good.
You have two choices:
1.) You leave this man, count your blessings and thank Allah swt that you found out about his double lifestyle. I acknowledge the fact that he has pursued you constantly, fought with his family, etc. But I’ve seen and heard of numerous cases where guys behave exactly the same way but turn out to be abusive, controlling and manipulative after marriage. Him trying to pursue you constantly while simultaneously lying to you behind your back and keeping an intimate (either emotional or physical) relationship with another female contradicts his loyalty towards you. He can’t be loyal and disloyal at the same time: it’s either this or that.
2.) You decide to forgive him and start with a clean slate. That means you do not bring this issue up again, learn to trust him and marry him. But bear in mind though that with this option you are taking a larger risk with your life and gambling with your happiness.
I do feel though that you will reply back justifying his actions and intentions so I will leave it up you sis, you know what you want to do and as I stated earlier: we cannot change anyone nor can we change their train of thought. You will do what you feel is best for you but I truly hope that you heed our advices before taking such a huge step that will change your life entirely.
-Helping Sister
Walikum assalaam,
As has been noted here sister, you have already made your choice. So be honest with yourself, are you really 'confused' and looking to decide something or just want us to confirm to you that your decision is correct, go ahead?
You are right, we do not know Waheed as much as you do. The only thing we rely on is the information which you have provided us with.
If you can overcome your desires and get away from him and focus on your relationship with Allah first, that is great. I know you are thinking 'no way'.... however, this does not have to mean that you two are not to marry ever. Because if you marry him now and take the bigger risk and gamble, what if he does not change? He may WANT to change, yes, we believe you there. Many people claim to be 'good on the inside' and how they 'dont want to hurt you or sin' but ...they are simply to weak to overcome their desires. And as a result, they end up hurting us...and they weep over it but at the end of the day..what use is the weeping? Eventually you will get immune to their weeping and just want some action and strength on their behalf to prove their 'golden heart.' In a marriage you live more with someones actions than their words...if you get what I mean there.
So instead of taking this risk..why dont you do something. Cut off with him and tell him you want to fix yourself and ask him to do the same inshallah. Sincerely do it..Focus on your relationship with Allah. He is the all knower so the closer you get to him inshallah, the more he'll guide you and be your Helper. Pray your salahs and look at what your Lord has intructed you in the Quran. In the meantime, see what he does. Give it some months at least. If you see that he also has changed and has truly become a better muslim, and has kept up to his words too and been clean, then inshallah pursue marriage with him.
You have mentoined you both want to improve yourself together etc in the deen. So why take this risk of marrying him and then seeing if he will change after that. Do it before you marry him...because if he does change for the better and becomes a man who will improve the deen in you as a husband, then great, that is a sign that his past is worth being forgotten and its worth you two starting with a clean slate. However, if you see a man who cannot overcome his desires or improve his relationship with his Lord now and makes one excuse or another...then face the reality - it simply aint gonna happen after he is married to you either. And as a Muslimah, you should choose a man who will inshallah give you a better akhirah, not just love and care in this Dunya.
Was salaam
Salam, I would suggest take everyones advice very seriously, the advice you have been given is very relevant, and I am not sure I can add much else.
I would liek to say though ( from experience)...that when you are in love with someone, you find it very difficult to see their faults. From my own experience, and feel free to read my posts, I was so in love with a guy that I let him do and say things to me that I would not even have imagined of, because I was so in love with him. When he left me I blamed myself for it, nothing anyone said or posted on this site could take me out of my misery, until now...I look back in hindsight and realise what a blessing it was that he has been removed from my life.
Similarly in your situation, this Waheed guy using another girl as an object is a horrible thing to do, and a very bad reflection of his character, especially if he claims to be in love with you. If this other girl was your sister, or someone close to you would you still keep an open mind and forgive him? After all she has feelings too. Yes, you have made mistakes by talking to other guys but you had the self control and strong character to not go as far as having a physical relationship with any of these men to fulfil your desires. As someone has already stated, what if in the future he decides that he is bored of you, seeing you every day, you being too busy with the kids etc...and decides he wants to have a side fling to fulfil his desires every now and again....another dirty little secret. If he has done it once, he can do it again!
Marriage is such a huge step - you need to marry a man that is not only showing characteristics of a good faithful husband, but also someone that will make a good father and guide his children to the right path. If he himself as you said is not praying, fasting and has weak faith then what hope do his children have?
I am really sorry if I have offended you or if anything I have said seems incorrect, but think long and hard about marrying this man. Understand that marriage is not temporary but a decision you will have to deal with for the rest of your life. Let this man show you that he has truly repented to Allah swt, and feels remorse for his actions. Let him turn to Allah swt and perform the obligatory acts of worship, e.g. fasting, salaah, zakat etc. A man that is God fearing will certianly have a pure and good heart, and will therefore treat his wife and other women with respect, and will think ten times before committing any sin small or large.
You yourself should also turn to Allah swt and perform istikhara, and ask Allah swt for guidance. Just remember that if he sincerely loves you he will respect you for this, and try to better himself as a muslim without delay.
Hope you make the right decision.
My dear, you are worth more than your weight in gold, and are so much better than marrying someone who has been with other women just to pass the time. I would never want to marry someone who used other women. What does this say about the way he will treat you? Maybe now he is acting nce to you because he wants to win your hand in marriage, but once you are married, his true colors will come out. Did you guys ask all the nessesary questions to each other about life after marriage?
Hi sister everyone is advising you to stay away from that guy.if he was really a good guy and will be a good husband to you in the future everyone could have agreed your marriage with him.All the brothers & sisters may Allah Bless them they are trying to wake you up from your nightmare so please try take their advise.<em> How ever you love him and still felling he is good for you and ignoring all the signs been shown to u you must remember that (Everything that shines is not a gold)so before you marry him please try to take all the advise of the bro & sis may Allah bless you.
And Sisters & brothers May Allah bless you all for trying to help our sister and may Allah rewards you all the heaven of Firdos.
I had written up a response until I saw that the sister had already made a decision. I think it is concerning that she is unwilling, or incapable, of taking her emotions out of a very, very serious life decision. That's about all I have to say since I concur with every single person's advice here (that this guy is of weak iman and it does not look good). Anyway, time will tell.
Striving Muslimah.
It seems that you have already made up your mind. You are protecting him against everyone's words here. Not a single person has advised you a go-ahead. You asked and everyone is giving you a genuine advise. But you refuse to listen because you are deaf with feelings for him.
You even doubled onto Sara.
I too am a teenager. I understnad your plight. BUT really However much I luved a GUY, If he has slept around with a girl, I would never forgive him.
Waheed Denies this at first and then confesses when there is no way out. This is proof alone of dishonesty.
Sister Think fairly! Do you really think such a guy would be fit for you?
Honestly, I want to shake you by your shoulders and tell you. "Sister Wake Up. Realize the truth"
Deep Down even you might realize HE is the wrong guy but you are stubborn to except the fact.
At the end, unltimately it's your choice. It's your life. But just remember, Would u want to regret for the rest of ur lyfe after marriage because you did not listen to well wishers?
Everyone here cares for you despite not knowing you. This is the first forum I've seen with such a caring attitude and it's just my first tyme here.
JUst think Sister carefully without being biased.
It all started very bad. Normally, in sane world naughty men will be really scared/worried if their fiancee find out about their dirty secrets. Now, you have showed him you are ok with it..
1- less likely he will stop doing this after marriege, because he will say to you that you were happy about it before, why causing a fass now.
2- By accepting his dirty behaviour, your decreasing your imaan. - Because basicly you are eccepting that using a girl as a sexual tool is fine while that girl could be your sister, your friend or just feel for her and understand she is a girl who is lost but it does not mean she should be taken advantage of. You see the whole picture you see, but she might not, she might be trapped with lies, she might be told she is going to get married with him etc.
3- Most of the time when the parents refuses the proposal they have seen far ahead than the daughter.
4. When parents refuses you to see him, they might have analyse his behavior and its important to understand that, if he can sleep with that other girl, he can do dirty staff with you and leave you.
5. If someone is nice to you but rude to the waiter, they are not a nice person.
Salaam sister,ive read your post and its like i was having a dejavu...Sister i have been in exactly the same situation , I heard my husband which back then was my boyfriend was cheating on me with numerous girls and when i would confront him he would deny it and say people are just jealous etc,he would also tell me to cover up when i go out and i use to think to myself,ye he loves me thats why he wants me to cover up and there were times where i would get fed up of what i would hear about him and i would make a decision to leave him,then he would start crying and would beg me not to leave him and would say i cant live without you etc.my family didn't approve of him either and then his parents come down and begged for my hand because he was apparently depressed due to my parents saying no to him.I tort at that time he must truly love ME for all this he is going through. obviously i married him and not even 2 months in our marriage he started cheating on me,with different girls,all im saying is once a cheat is always a cheat,men like these never can change no matter how good or beautiful there wife is.Till this day he tells me he loves everyday but i dont reply to any of that because deep down i know he is cheating on me and its a sickness which could not be treated.so sister please please don't fall for his words because that's one thing they are very good at is SWEET TALK.My husband is also a very nice person in general but if i had proof that he was cheating on me then loving does not mean that he is worth all this.Sister if that happens to you after marriage then you will never be able to trust him ever, ever time he goes out you will think he is up to something even if his not,it makes your life a misery.I still LOVE my husband very much but i cant believe that he loves me or ever did love because just thinking of doing something so horrible to him make me sick,sister men like these know that we are good decent girls and then they take advantage of this and then want us to get married to them so they can peace themselves by locking us away whilst they do what they want.Once your married to him sister you will get treated differently from him just the way i got treated.sister your story is so similar to mine and i just don't want anyone to go through what i went through ,i hope you make the right decision sister.
Your story is the ending to what she is about to start. Now you were unlucky he did not show his true colours before marrige. But this sister allah loves her so much to show her, who he is and what he is doing well before marrige.
Subhanallah, we human, we get in trouble in our own will, and when we get stuck we ask allah to help us. Allah in most cases shows us all the cards, we know where we are heading, but we still go bull headed, we firmly stand with our wrong disicion. May allah guide all of us.
I am grateful to my parents and to his. My inlaws. were so religious and strict he could hardly breath let alone chess women LOL