My boyfriend is Muslim, I’m Christian, and we cannot convince his family
I think I would feel excluded if we married in a mosque
I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 years now, and he's Muslim and I'm Christian. We have had a lot of trouble trying to convince his and my family that we really are devoted towards our love for each other.
In the future we hope to get married but we don't know how. I don't want to get married in a mosque because I will feel like an outcast. Would we read from the Qu'ran?
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Peace!
Hopefully I can shed a little light on your situation. First off, dating in Islam is forbidden. Secondly, any physical(sexual or otherwise) is a sin. Your boyfriend should know this. How old are both of you?
You mentioned not being able to convince both set's of parents how devoted you are to each other. His parents may see you as someone taking their son away from his religion. Based on what you have written I can see why his parents would feel this way. At the same time your parents are probably afraid that you are being pulled away from them into a religion that they know nothing about. It's possible all they know about Islam is what they have heard or read in the news, most of which is not true.
You say that you don;t want to get married in a mosque. Has he even talked to you about marriage in Islam? Has he ever spoken to you at all about Islam? If he has not spoken to you about it, no wonder you have a fear of getting married in a mosque.
You need to have a serious talk with him. Ask him about Islam. Ask him how the children would be raised should you get married. Both sets of parents have reason for concern.
Abdul Wali
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I agree with brother Abdul Wali. If being married in a mosque would make you feel like an outcast, then you clearly have some apprehensions or reservations about your husband's religion. Wouldn't asking him to be married in a church be equally isolating for him? It sounds like you have a lot of communicating to do, and it's critical that you work out in advance the issues that Abdul Wali mentioned. I have never known a Muslim who did not want and expect his children to be raised as Muslims, so that may be a sticking point for you, I don't know.
It may turn out that in spite of your feelings for each other, you are not truly compatible.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I don't think that its that she has any apprehensions about the religion.... Personally, if i was in a similar situation i would have felt the same way. I would be worried not about how i feel but about the way other mosque members (if thats what you call it) might view us... i might even feel a little awkward about it since people (in general) tend to act 'differently' to people they believe don't 'belong' with them.
i am in a similar situation as this person but its a bit too much to type. Can u plz contact me?
Stacy, please log in and write your question as a separate post. If it's very long, try to summarize it.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Run away from this. My friend has been in hell for over 20 yrs because her Muslim fiance lied to her about how her life would be. The romantic love you feel now will not be enough to overcome how his family feels or yours either. Remember, you will marry the families when you marry.
You will never be "good enough" in their eyes. My friend's husband tells her she will go to hell. He hits her and the child, when he was little. He is a horrible person hiding under his religion to abuse them. Not that Islam teaches such things, but it does say to beat and starve your wife if she doesn't do what you want her to do.
No, don't do it! Walk away and be friends instead. It is not good for either of you.
My friend has been abandoned now while he lives happily with his brother.
She is over 60, hasn't worked in years because he asked her to leave her work. She is ill and so is their son, but he doesn't care and neither does his family.
Is that what you want?
Jill, your comments are inaccurate and rooted in ignorance. Islam absolutely does not teach husbands to beat and starve their wives, that's outrageous. And I'm sorry that your friend had a bad experience, but it had nothing to do with religion. If your description is accurate, then your friend married a bad man. Do you think that some non-Muslims don't also abuse their wives and children? If that's what you think, then you haven't been paying much attention to the news.
Family abuse is not an issue of religion, but of good and bad character.
And why are you projecting all of this onto this couple? She says they are in love, and she gives no indication of any abuse or misconduct. Don't project your bitterness or bigotry onto others.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
There are Christian, Jewish, atheist, Buddhist (etc) husbands who are abusive toward their spouses, whose families aren't accepting of their wives. Saying it's something Islam teaches or that Muslims do is terribly racist.
How is that racist ......ISLAM is not an ethnicity , so the correct word is predjudice
You know what she tried to say. . . dont avoid the subject
I am going through a similar crisis. My boyfriend and I are head over heels in love, have been together 15 months... but we have never even kissed or held hands. We want to be married someday soon.
The problem is that we are both young. He is 20 years old and his parents expect him to marry an Islamic girl. They have pre-judged me based on my white skin, blonde hair, and Christian upbringing. They refuse to hear anything about me. And because he is dependent on them (he's still in University), they hold all the cards.
I am willing to learn about Islam, even though I am very rooted in my Catholic faith. I am even willing to be married in a mosque and teach our children about Islam -- this is all for his parents sake. He is perfectly willing to raise our children Catholic, and even consider converting to Catholicism - but for the sake of our love, I want to do this.
What can we do to make his parents see how much we love each other? What can we do to prevent them tearing us apart?
Hi,
You say your boyfriend is willing to convert to catholicism and rear the kids with this idealogy. This will definitely alienate his parents even more from the idea of your union. I can understand why his parents are against the idea of you. It won't be anything to do with your physical colouring but rather you leading their son to eternal damnation for possibly giving up his faith.
At the end of the day a Muslim man is permitted to marry a Christian but the children should be raised as Muslim. However, I don't think catholic qualifies as it has many sinful practises such as idolatry and the whole blasphemy concept.
His parents need to get him away from you. Love can be a mistake.
That was a very judgmental and cruel response. I never asked him to convert. This is something he wanted to do for my family, the same as I am willing to do it for his. Additionally, his parents know nothing of this. They have never met me. All they know is that I am blonde and Christian. Anyone who is not Muslim is not okay with them.
Love is never wrong. It is beautiful and of God.
I came here looking for answers on how I might overcome what I was raised to believe, and exploring Islam for the sake of my marriage. Your response has simply pushed me father away from that.
Hi Jenna,
I appreciate that you are willing to learn about Islam. I think that you will find many similarities between the two religions. At the same time there are some differences.
Jenna, here are a couple of things you should know. First of all, what his family is probably thinking is that you are taking their son away from Islam. Also there are cultural aspects that come into play concerning marrying within their own culture. You might be surprised to find out that many of us would be rejected too because we are not of the same culture or race. This is not what Islam is about but people do it anyway.
Here is another thing you should know. The family plays a major role in determining who their children marry. They can't force the child to marry someone either he/she does not like, although it does happen. But the parents are there to guide them and help them make proper choices. As Muslim's we are taught to respect our parents wishes and do what they say as long as what they are telling us does not go against the teachings of Islam.
One of the requirements for a Muslim man to marry a non Muslim woman is that she be chaste. Meaning that she has not had sexual relations before. As a Christian you know that sex before marriage is prohibited. The other is that she be someone of the book.( either Christian of Jewish). So it is permissible for a Muslim man to marry a non Muslim woman as long as she meets the requirements I spoke about.
Another thing you should know is that I have never met a Muslim man who married a non Muslim who didn't care if the children were raised Muslim or not. If you were to get married and have children, more than likely he would want the children to be raised Muslim and his family would expect it.
What about your own family? What would they say? Have you spoken to them about your choice to marry him? Do you think that they would be open to you marrying a Muslim man? At 20 we think with our hearts and sometimes not with our heads.That doesn't mean it's always bad either. How do I know, I was once a 20 something living in the US.
Jenna, I just wanted to give you an understanding of what may be going on withing his family and what Islam says. I could have gone into more detail but I wanted to keep it simple.
I can't tell you what to do to change their minds. Even if you met all of the requirements they still might say no.
In the mean time I would say still learn about Islam. I wasn't always a Muslim. I was born a Christian and converted to Islam. I am the only one in my family who is Muslim. I try to teach them whenever I can and we still have a great relationship. It's the best thing that ever happened to me.
I'm sorry I couldn't help with your exact question but I hope that I was able to give you a little insight into what is going on.
Peace!!!
Abdul Wali Carter
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
am 27 year’s Old Christian and I have a Pakistani Muslim boyfriend for 3yrs. Am so in love but we are facing lots of difficulties his parents don’t accept me because am non- Muslim. I don’t discriminate their religion or culture but I do have an impediment becoming a Muslim I would like to learn first before making such decision, I honestly think that a religion no matter which, is something that needs respect I can’t just become Muslim from night to morning when I was born and race as a catholic. I don’t have a problem if my kids become Muslim, who knows after I have kids if a start learning and practicing the religion. But my issues consist in their decision I think is unfair and selfish from their side not wanting to meet me and just pressure my Bf to break up with me or choose. I wouldn’t let him choose between me and them because that is his family but I love him and I really don’t know what to do I want to be with him the rest of my life but I don’t want him to leave his family god forbid we have kids it would be unfair from my side to raise them without grandparents because of my decision they’ll probably be empty for not receiving their love. One thing I’ll never understand is that if in Quran says a Muslim could get married with a non-Muslim Christian and Jewish why Muslim parents make it so hard especially if we are in America.
Hi Linda,
Please read my post to Jenna above. I think you might get a better understanding of what the parents may be thinking and what some of the requirements are for a Muslim man to marry a non Muslim woman.
I do appreciate that you don't feel that you can convert to Islam from one day to the next without first doing some research. Understand one thing, you should never convert because you are feeling pressured to do so. When you accept Islam as your religion it should come from your heart, not because you want to please your boy friend. When a woman or man converts for that reason, most of the time it will not work because you have entered into the religion for the wrong reason. You have to do it for the love of Allah(God). When I accepted Islam as my religion it wasn't done over night. I did my research and over time my heart was softened and I took the step without any reservations.
Linda, what you should do is learn as much about Islam as you can. Don't listen to what you hear on TV because most of it is false. Once you have a good understanding of the religion then make your decision.
I hope I helped a little.
Peace!!!!
Abdul Wali Carter
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Hi, Abdul Wali
Thanks for your help It really helped me..
i have a similar problem. iam a english girl and have been seeing a work collegue who happens to be muslim for the last 6 months! we had been working together for a while and never really talked until he found out that he was going to pakistan to get married! it all started from there we would stay behind at work for hours just talking about our lives and how unhappy we both were with the way it was going! he told me that he had once been in prison and it had brought shame on the family and he also married a muslim girl that he feel for the natural way, but the marriage fell through it only lasted a few months which angered his family all the more! so this arrange marriage that was being organized for him he felt like he had to do it just make his family happy with him again! i was also getting married but was having second thoughts! as time passed we really feel for one another he told some of his family about how he felt and i can tell you they was far from impressed! so we both got married but we still continued seeing each other and still are to this day! we have both been married for 10 weeks now and he is divorcing his wife from pakistan as he dosnt want her as he says and iam divorcing my husband! we want to be together as we make each other happy! he doesnt want me to convert as hes happy with who iam, the only problem we have is getting everyone else to understand which is proving to be difficult! my family dont have a problem they just want me to be happy but his family have said that they will dissowne him if he shaks up with a white girl!
we have disscused everything from where we would live be married and what religion our children will follow and we have decided that it would be a mosque and i will learn and our children will follow islam! as long as you are proud to stand together and stand with the family and you are happy thats the only thing that should matter! yeah we might not of done things the right way and we may of made mistakes on the way but we love each other and thats all that matters to us! i dont see him as a faliure like his family do im proud of him for choosing his future instead of it being made for him! so you should do what ever you want and what makes you happy! your families will come around eventually when they see how happy you make each other! good luck x
salam
in islam there`s no relationship such as boyfriend or girlfriend ... and islam says no one can maried non-Muslim, that means anyone who does not believe Allah is only one God. and yr relegioun beleive that there`s many gods so this relationship should be stop cz ther`s no love more important than love for Allah.
if u really love him you should follew his relegioun cz this is the only solution ..in islam why i tell u that cz after maried your life it`s gonna be very difficult why cz diffrent relegioun it`s simple ...
Salaams,
Telling this woman if she really loves the man then she should follow his religion is not the correct reason for becoming a Muslim. The sister should not revert to Islam in order to secure this man as her husband. Rather it must be for the sake of Allah, otherwise the intention is not sincere. Also let there be no complusion in religion. The sister must not feel that she is compelled to become a Muslim in order to marry this man.
Of course if our Muslim brothers refrained from fornicating and remained chaste, these problems wouldn't exist. Thus who would be debating about marrying non-Muslims? However bear in mind that it is permissable for a Muslim man to marry a chaste woman from Ahl Al Kitab- a Christian or a Jew. But I would say it is better for them to opt for a Muslim woman as they share the same beliefs and would not encounter too many conflicts with regards to their family.
@Hopeful: If God says it is okay to marry a woman from any of the Abrahamic religions, then who are you to say what is best?
Just an update. My fiance and I are marrying in a mosque. I am converting to Islam as I feel led to do so. I have prayed about this for months and it feels right and true to me. Once I learned that Islam accepts Jesus as Messiah that was enough for me. Giving up Jesus was the hardest thing for me to accept about leaving Christianity, but once I realized I didn't have to do so, all was well.
Thank you for your answers, even those that weren't so nice.
--Jenna
Hello Jenna,
I am really happy for you. Congratulations!
I am currently in a similar situation, the difference is it's the other way around. Her family is the problem. I am Muslim, she's Christian, and her mother is not willing to accept me. I have not had a good day for months and months, thinking over and over, I even forgot what a smile feels like.
I am praying, day and night, and I hope that one day it is going to happen, because faith is all that I have left.
Sincerely,
Amir.
You say if she really loves him she should change to islam, well what about him loving her he should change, you are biased and talk nonsense, changing religion should not be about out doing eachothers love, personally i wish that religion didn't get in the way of love.
i do agree with the person that says that when you are married, you marry the two families. i know in the western cultures, we think about ourselves, and our lives, and our descisions. in eastern cultures, the marriage, the child's job, and even sometimes every little descision is not an individual's. others decide with/for them. i read somewhere once that the 3 top reasons for fighting in marriage or divorce (i can't remember which one sorry) was money, sex, and in-laws. and this is happening in western countries where in-laws don't even live with you and you have your own independent life as a couple. now imagine how bad it would be with in-laws from a completely different culture where they are supposed to have influence over many descisions in the person's life. think wisely before you marry, you are not going to be marrying only him.
Dear Neek and readers,
We all must differentiate between culture, social demographic and religion.
To western Christian, Islamic law might seems to put women as inferior.
To middle eastern Muslim, Christian life seems offer too much freedom in relationship.
I am Christian women living in an Islamic Country and I have many Muslim friends.
The facts are :
- There are always men everywhere who treats women badly, regardless their religion. Including some Muslim men who justify their infidelity to the religion's law. It's not abt religion, it's the person. Not all Muslims are like that.
- There are a lot of free sex practices everywhere regardless what religion they are. Including some Christians but that doesn't make it right in the eyes of the bible. Not all Christian are like that.
Some friends in this dialogue seems to againts the word "boyfriend/girlfriend" exist in Islam rules. The fact is "boyfriend/girlfriend" is a well-known term about 2 people who fancy each other. There shouldn't any physical involvement in it.
I do know a lot of Muslims guy and girls who are boyfriends and girlfriends. Let's just say it's a trendy terms as friends who fancy each other.
Any interfaith marriage and or any interculture marriage has its own controversy.
I personally have a muslim friend in which I fancy. We've known each others and abliously put interest on each other for more than 8 years. We remains friends but we didn't have the courage to get married, to deal that our children one day need to choose which religion to be taught.
I learn a little each day about Islam. He learn a little each day about Christianity. But yet religion is not only a teaching, it's a belief.
For us it's like a constant dialogue. And the most vulnerable part is when you have problem, don't blame on your cultural or religious differences.
Still I recommend for friends whose still in very early stage of interfaith relationship to be wise. Don't let yourself live in confusion. Be aware from the begining of the consequences.
In the end you must have "peace" to youself about the differences and on how families and friends' reactions.
If you must choose ... Be wise to choose
I am a muslim boy, I have been educated in islam and seek some guidance. I understand that realtionships between two people are not allowed, I like someone who is off a different culture and religion. She is a christian and makes it clear she wants to convert once she has finished her education as she would be able to commit herself more to Islam than she would be able to now
I have studied islam with her, helping her to understand areas where she may find some difficulty and discussed any questions she has.
My question is that 'does islam say anything about not being allowed to marry someone who your arents do not like/ agree to you being with them.'
my parents keep pressuring me to leave her, and generally use the steriotype argument. She is very different from what they say, but they are not willing to meet her..
Secondly I am currently dependant upon my family as I am still in education. I have been confused, upset and lost for a few months seeking guidance and answers.
I eagerly anticipate your response
thanks
Im in the same problem, and i love my boyfriend alot but trust me sometyms even small arguements even turn out to be huge fights coz of the differences, its going to be a disaster. No matter how much you love each other this will definetely create a problem for you if not him in future. tBt this point of tym u wont understand and will wnat to listen to your heart bu trust it would be best if u leve this decision on your parents.Becuz if u leave everything for him and in future GOD 4BID anything turns bad u'll be left with no on. so do keep your family involved please.
now this seems like 1 good relationship In everyother comment that i read every girl is ready to convert. rspect all religions equally but i really dont understand y do they want others to convert.If you love someone accept him/her the way he is.
and now as far as your qs was concerned see if u both love each other, you both respect each others religion, and you can teach both religions to your kids i think its good enuf. i knw the only difficulty is convincing your parents try hard just the way im doing cus even i dont want to hurt them. try to explain it to them that non of the religions are bad or teach wrong every religion has good or bad people and parents wnt their kids to be happy so if ure happy with someone no matter what the religion is u'll be happy with him.
Im sure they will understand somehow.
Dont depress ur self more on this just try convincing ur parents and then take the decision.
Goodluck
God Bless
I am 18 and my boyfriend will be 20 soon. I am catholic and my boyfriend is lebanese, muslim. He can't tell his parents about me because of religion. My parents know him and accept him and love him because I do he is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I love him with all my heart. I never met his parents before and he says someday they will love me but will they love me if I am not muslim? do we have a future ? I am so confused and concerned sure I am young but i see a future with him already. We have been dating for a year and 5 months. I do not know what to do my mind is going crazy. Do we break up and stay friends ?
Why did you take my comment away? Was my question something that Islam cannot answer. Maybe this means you need to study the Bible and the Koran together and see what coincidences with the Bible or do they really teach two different things? The God of the Bible is a different one then of the Koran.
Melissa, your comments did not present any challenge. I deleted your comment because you are not here to contribute or to learn, but to preach your religion. This is an Islamic website. We advise people based on the teachings of Islam. If you disagree with the Islamic faith that's your right, and there are forums and websites where interfaith debate is allowed. This is not one of them.
By the way, I think you are sadly misinformed about Islam, and I would encourage you to learn from genuine Islamic sources, rather than parroting nonsense that you have heard in anti-Islamic forums. God is One. There is no "God of the Bible" and "God of the Quran". If you worship Jesus (peace be upon him) then indeed you are committing a great injustice against God, The Creator, The Eternal, The One and indivisible, who was not born, and has no offspring.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
look. muslim are kind persons. they will not discriminate you, if they do then do not mind them cause, in our religion, dating is not allowed but if you maried each other then you and your boyfriend would not be commiting a sin anymore. and this way you could help your guy. but if i am to be asked, it's better if you became muslim too, but not for the guy but for yourself. im not a good worshipper yet but i do know that our religion can provide you a peaceful world here and in the here after if you become a good muslim. remember, what you are doing not is giving your guy a sin and yourself too, but if you marry then he would not commit a sin anymore, and if you became a muslim then you will be rewarded and so is your guy. remember in our religion, Allah or our god is merciful so he will surely guide your way if you really wanted to become his follower, or believer. i hope you ead my comment. and i hope you become a muslim for your own good too.