Islamic marriage advice and family advice

my boyfriend wants to have sex before marriage

peer pressure %photo

My boyfriend i love him and he loves he is serious and m also

but my boy friend want sex just one time before marriage

i dont know what to do if i refuse than he become upset which i dont want

is it right i want to please him he is very sad and really loves me

help me???????????????

-Ayesha


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26 Responses »

  1. As salamu alaykum sister Ayesha,

    Don´t give up.

    You are the one that has something to lose in this situation, he wants something you have and when you lose it you are going to be crying because it has no way back.

    If he really loves you, he should respect you and wait for marriage to have you, he is not being honest to you trying to blackmail you to make you feel guilty.

    If he wants to know how much you love him, tell him that you want to know how much he loves and respects you, because a straight muslim man wouldn´t ask a woman to have sex with him outside from marriage.

    To stop all this kind of situations you should be conscious that in Islam to date is prohibited, you should stop anykind of contact with this man until a proposal and consent is done and even with this you can see him with a wali or chaperone, you are not allowed to have physical contact until you married. The concept of boyfriend girlfriend doesn´t exist in Islam.

    If you want to see how deep can be your pain after having sex outside of marriage take a look around the site, is full of tears, grief and desperation.

    Keep the jewel of your innocence for the one that will be able to appreciate it and give it the right value, you don´t deserve less, don´t give it not even the night before of your marriage, your fiancée would have to show you how much he respects you and value you and he will receive you the day you marry, insha´Allah.

    Sister you have to learn that to say I love you, it is easy what is difficult is to demonstrate it, tell this man he only loves you with his mouth, but his heart doen´t love, respect or value you, and if he does he has to show it being a straight muslim man and acting like one, insha´Allah.

    All my Unconditional Respect,

    María
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. No ,it is haram . Sex before marriage is haram and haram . Show him quranic verses and hadith regarding this matter . Tell him politely to wait and explain him the sensitivity of this issue . If you both can't wait then marriage is the best optiön

  3. Assalamu alaykum Ayesha,

    It is a big sin to even touch before marriage in an appropriate manner forget about having sex.

    It is one of the major sins in Islam.

    It is good that you asked us for advice.

    Cut down all contacts with this guy. How can he demand sex and get upset if you do not agree?

    Being Muslims we have to make each other understand the commands of Alllah and in Allah's deen we are not supposed to do such things.

    Please sister, stop contact with this person or get married to a good person who understands Islam.

    These are not Islamic values. May Allah forgive all of us, but this is not how a Muslim guy should behave and if he is a non Muslim, then you cannot marry a non Muslim man however serious he is.

    Even if this guy is serious or loves you, I don't understand if love can exist without marriage as people call infatuation, attraction and attachment caused by whispers of shaytaan as love. This is not right at all.

    Sister, we warn you before you fall in to a sin and later cry for the next years of your life and aakhirah. Allah knows best, but lot of cases come where people have fallen in to this sin and then the same "lover" has disagreed to marry the girl. We warn you, pay heed lest you cry and make your soul fall in to ruins.

    14. And whoso disobeyeth Allah and His messenger and transgresseth His limits, He will make him enter Fire, where such will dwell for ever; his will be a shameful doom.
    15. As for those of your women who are guilty of lewdness, call to witness four of you against them. And if they testify (to the truth of the allegation) then confine them to the houses until death take them or (until) Allah appoint for them a way (through new legislation).
    16. And as for the two of you who are guilty thereof, punish them both. And if they repent and improve, then let them be. Lo! Allah is Relenting, Merciful.
    17. Forgiveness is only incumbent on Allah toward those who do evil in ignorance (and) then turn quickly (in
    repentance) to Allah. These are they toward whom Allah relenteth. Allah is ever Knower, Wise.
    18. The forgiveness is not for those who do ill deeds until, when death attendeth upon one of them, he saith: Lo! I repent now; nor yet for those who die while they are disbelievers. For such We have prepared a painful doom.
    - Surah An Nisaa.

    Pay heed, we warn you before the crime. What if you die while the sin is still on without repentance? Do you want to take the risk of going to hell? Have you put your hand on burning fire for a few seconds? Imagine burning forever in the Fire kindled by Allah, who will then save you? Will this boy friend come to your rescue?

    22. And Satan saith, when the matter hath been decided: Lo! Allah promised you a promise of truth; and I promised you, then failed you. And I had no power over you save that I called unto you and ye obeyed me. So blame me not, but blame yourselves. I cannot help you, nor can ye help me. Lo! I disbelieved in that which ye before ascribed to me. Lo! for wrong doers is a painful doom.
    23. And those who believed and did good works are made to enter Gardens underneath which rivers flow, therein abiding by permission of their Lord, their greeting therein: Peace!
    - Surah Al Ibhrahiim.

    Sister I care for you so I warn you, do not ruin your soul or your aakhirah. Come out of this and turn to Allah repentant and try to be a Muslima obedient to Allah.

    May Allah help us and guard us from evil.

    Salaam,
    Your brother.

  4. Sister

    I'm suprised you had to ask this question. Tell your boyfriend that you love God more and therefore will not disobey God no matter how upset that makes your boyfriend.

    Stand up for yourself! How can any man who claims to love you show you so much disrespect, becasue that is what it is, to ask a woman to have sex with him before she becomes his wife is utter contempt for that woman and not love. Love is to honour your beloved, to hold them in high esteem, its climax is not in a unlawful physical act but in spiritual unity through a sanctified relationship.

    Yours is not a unique love sister, many have loved before and have never even consummated that love with a single gaze! So do not fool yourself into thinking that to prove your love you give up the most precious thing you have.

    Walk away from him until he sends a proposal and marries you.

    • Salaams Hafsa

      Well you be surprised how many guys even ask a Muslim sister straight up these days before marriage there is no izaat left or value of the appreciation for our women not even for married women.

  5. Salaams Ayesha

    BrotherrMuniib has given me an insight how important this issue really ulhumdiallah thank you and sister Ayesha I tell you straight listen please. Once you give in that’s it for you he will dump you and move on to the next. Please sister listen and read to what brothers and sisters have written here do not do it. This guy is waste of space he is not being honest with you he is using you the haraam way until he gets what he wants. Also he is blackmailing you and making you feel guility to satisfy his needs that is not love that’s using someone for their own selfish needs. Please dump him and move on he can’t really love you if he is demanding sex before marriage. You are really young by the sound of it and very naïve. Ulhumdiallah you know the difference between wrong and right but you have your respect (izaat) so please keep that intact do not lose that at any cost not even for a MAN before marriage. I hope sister you really listen to people on this website because we care and as a true muslim and believer it is my right to be honest with you. W/salaams

  6. ASA sister:

    Dont do it! if he really loves you the way he says he does he would have never asked you this, he should have respected you! Why cant he wait until marriage?? Does he not know it is a sin??? In my opinion this is a red flag, and i would walk away. Unless you are married he should not be asking!!

    AMIRA

  7. Assalamualaikum sister,

    I hate to break it to you but for a man to ask you for someting that is so precious from you, it tells me he is NOT a good person. This man will not bring you to the path of jannah. He will bring you to destruction. Stay away frm such people. If he really loves you and respects you, he would not have acted is such a way. Such men only use women. Mark my words, he will discard you once you've done the dirty deed with him. He is NOT worth your time at all.

  8. Ayesha,

    Tell your boyfriend that if he really cared for you, he would not be asking you for sex before marriage. Do not let him pressure you. If he really loves you as he says he does, then he will appreciate the fact that you are saving yourself for him and only him. If that is not good enough for him, he is not the one for you.

    Salam

  9. Thanks for your comments i am 19 years old.
    well he is now agree to have sex after marriage.
    thanks my brothers and sister for helping.

  10. salam

    Love and Sex are two different feelings......if any person loves you by heart he cant make you embarrass by doing such act before marriage....so be aware of this guy.....n control your feelings

    May Allah show us the Light......

  11. salam SAMINA

    I think you are little bit ignorant before advising here......you directly blaming the guy only.....may be he is a good guy and due to lack of islamic knowledge and bad atmosphere he asked this...... may be if she try to tell him about the teachings of islam , he just revert or change his mind......but what are you suggesting her ..Simply dump him.......Ok then i ask you a question Is this allowed in islam for a girl to have Serious friendship with a guy before marriage.......as girl has already said that he is her Boyfriend and she is quite serious about him.....

    May Allah guide us all

    • Assalaamu alaykum Avi,

      Of course, the guy is to be blamed here, if he can gain knowledge about sex and act upon it to ask a girl for sex before marriage, he can also learn about Islam on his own and ask himself to follow it.

      To dump is a bit harsh word when we read or hear it but it signifies to part and take leave of such person.

      The sister is also responsible for carrying on a "love" relationship without marriage. So the sister should separate herself from such person quickly and rather learn more about Islamic behavior of men and women and duty to Allah as well as limits imposed by Him.

      Whosoever does evil while ingorning Islam cannot be called a good person.

      Whosoever repents and turns to Allah and seeks His refuge and makes Islam his life, can be called a good person.

      Good or evil is defined by a persons actions and intentions, are they in obedience to Allah or in transgression to Allah.

      We have to keep our eyes open and see the world.

      May Allah help us obey Him and live Islam and save us from lewdness, disbelief and rebellion.

      We turn to Allah for strength, we turn to Allah for refuge.

      Salaam,
      Your brother.

      • Ayesha,

        If you say you love (In islam love cannot happen before marriage, the word love before marriage is used in terms for your creator Allah and your creator in this duniya your Mother) this guy, you do not know the meaning of love. You should always seperate your desires from your necessities and Inshallah you will be successful in this world.

        Yes of course a man is blameworthy if he is asking you to sleep with him before marriage, but we have a tongue which we can use to say NO. Men may have sexual desires before marriage, but that is only because girls draw attention to themseles by wearing skinny jeans, short tops, tight clothing and funky hair do's. The less attention we draw to ourselves the less problems we will face garunteed.

        This life is like a game, you have two paths you can turn into, the right and the wrong. Jannat and Jahannam. There are some things which are written down (what we would call our kismat), but we make our kismat. Abit confusing, but this simply means that our lifes events are written down and are foreseen, however the path we take to reach that destination is not and so we make them decisions ourselves with our will.

        Ayesha I am a 20 year old girl myself and I have seen alot of boyfriend/girlfriend relationships unable to work out, simply because the girl and boy do not respect each other. The best advice i can give you is that if you feel strongly about this guy and can put your hands up and say that you care about him and yourself and want a future with him, you will need to tell your family about him and tell him that he will need to fix up and not get sad about these things because these things come in the right time. The same reason it is not right to have a child out of wedlock, it is not right to have sex before marriage. And if you cant stand up for what you think is right and say NO then how much of a strong person are you? We havnt faced the world yet, and these situations are minor. You need to learn to take control of your thoughts and actions and also teach him the right way, teach him what he doesnt know about islam and inshallah Allah will help him keep him in the right direction.

        • Amira,

          I want to comment on a mistake you made. I hope you do not take it offensively. You said, "your creator in this duniya your Mother" This is not something a Muslim should say. Your creator in this duniya & the next is Allah & Allah alone. Our mothers have not created us nor have they given us life, only Allah has that power, what they did was transport us into this world.

          -Pepper

        • Your welcome dear sister :)

    • Salaams Avi

      Please read my comments carefully. Sex before marriage is haraam and a big sin. Sister of course this guy is to blame for making this sister feel guilty and pressured to have sex. I have not said anything wrong I am here to help this sister. Ayesha is very innocent and naïve she is still ulhumdiallah very young and has her whole life ahead of her what’s the rush. If this guy really loves her he should respect this and wait by having (sabr) and patience. With the right intentions of advising her with our brothers and sisters guidance on this website she will learn to have strong imaan knowledge not to do this by sharing our understanding of Islam, she will not give in. I have used the word dump him because most guys only get with our sisters for sex and they are very naïve and vulnerable to get into this stage.

      The danger of this is when girls give their virginity to their boyfriends, future husband to be, later that guy dumps the girl as if she was a piece of meat, this is majority where our sisters in Islam go wrong is that they think it is nothing to lose their virginity but do not realise the consequences of it until later and why it is there in the first place. We has women are honest, open, trustworthy and that’s makes us vulnerable therefore some guys will take advantage of this. If this guy was decent he would have never asked Ayesha regardless he or she loves him to me that is not real love. I find it highly offensive that a sister is dating this guy and he has no shame, or respect to ask for sex before marriage. I mean how would he feel if his own sister was in this place. Me personally would tell my sister to dump this sort of guy altogether full stop regardless is she loves him or not because I want to protect my little sister from making such huge mistake. Wouldn’t the alarm bells be ringing to you, wouldn’t you think about your izaat (respect), the love of your parents, even having the fear of Allah inside you, knowing you did some acts that are forbidden in Islam.

      To your question sisiter Avi “Dating" as it is currently practiced in much of the world shall not exist among Muslims - where a man and a woman (or boy/girl) are in a one on one intimate relationship, spending time together alone, getting to know each other in a very deep way.

      A man and a woman are not allowed to be alone together, and any physical contact before marriage is forbidden. Hence, Dating is not permitted in Islam.

      Allah has prohibited girl/boyfriend relationships in the Qur'an.

      Islam also encourages Muslims to marry persons for whom they have special feelings and are comfortable with. Thus, Islam recommends that potential marriage partners see one another before proposing marriage. Explaining the reason for such a recommendation, Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said:

      “That would enhance/foster the bonding.”

      However the prospective couple shall not meet in private, this might lead to extremely unwanted situations, as Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said :

      “Whenever a man is alone with a woman, Satan is the third among them” (Reported by At-Tirmidhi)..

      At all times, Muslims should follow the commands of the Qur'an

      "Tell the believing men to lower their gaze (from looking at forbidden things), and protect their private parts (from illegal sexual acts, etc.). That is purer for them. "

      In conclusion, Islam lays its social structure on the basis of a permanent relationship between a man and a woman in the form of a family.

      Consequently, to preserve this marital relationship, it forbids all forms of temporary relationships between a man and a woman. Pre-marital relationships in Islam are not considered respectful for neither the man nor the woman, nor is it constructive for the concept or the building the family or the Islamic society.

      This was given to me by my fellow muslim sister recently on this issue because I wanted to understand more and I found this very useful ulhumdiallah. Maybe you should also look at this and learn something from it

      For sister Ayesha I strongly suggests you tell your parents of this guy and if he feels the same and truly loves you then best way to make this halaal marriage is go with his parents to ask for your hand in marriage.

  12. Sisiter Avi
    Even due to lack of Islamic knowledge and bad atmosphere no one has a right to ask a person for sex and no one has a right to pressure another to have sex that is classed as rape and abuse.

    • Your right sister, no one has the right to force anyone to do anything but when Muslim girls date boys they throw the gauntlet and in effect invite the devil into thier arms! Inevitable the boys they date believe they they 'own' these sisters and make requests they would not make of a virtous sister.

      • True but they should use there common sense our sisters should not date men who should not to be trusted vice vera for our muslim brothers. It is a shame it is mostly our women who are being used the same as any other but it is better to stay respectful and hold self worth for allah and yourself regardless then having a man or a women outside of marriage. Inshallah with the help of allah i pray all muslims realise the self respect they deserve ameen

  13. Salam,

    id like to begin with A3oothu bilahi min al shayton alrajim.

    DO************

    NOT***********

    DO *************

    IT*****************

    This guy is brain washing you and is using you.
    May allah guide you on the right path
    Salam

  14. I'm going to give you an extremely simple and straightforward response. I truly and sincerely hope that by the time you read my message you haven't given up your most important asset, inshAllah.

    According to you, this guy loves you so much therefore he must be sincere with you and has the intentions to marry you in the future?

    If so, then he doesn’t need to ask you for sex, he’ll get it after marriage: it’s that simple.
    So you need to ask yourself WHY does he want it now when he is going to get anyways after marriage?

    There is something very dodgy about this guy. A guy who loves you with sincere intentions to marry will NOT ask for sex before marriage: no ifs, ands, or buts. The rationale behind it is that he’ll get it anyways after marriage and he knows that so he decides to wait because in his eyes you’re his anyways.

    I urge you please do not give up your most important asset, even if he leaves you. And if he does leave you, then you know exactly what he was after and since he didn’t get it from you, he’ll get it from somewhere else.

    You are extremely lucky in my eyes that Allah swt brought you to this website as a means of opening up your eyes before it’s too late. I wish I could be in front of you and look into your eyes and tell you please, don’t do it, you’ll regret it later, trust me.

    Sorry for the bold statements made in my post; I just want to get through to this sister before it’s too late, inshAllah.

    -Helping Sister

  15. All I know is that the same thing happened to me. I gave in & there is nothing in the world that I regret more in my life. I did not enjoy it & I would do anything to turn back time & be able to say no. The very thing that I thought would make him be mine ended up being a "gateway drug" for him to turn to other girls.

    DO NOT DO IT!

    Turn to Allah in repentance & break it off if you have to. So many people went through this & gave in, so many people have had their hearts torn to bit & pieces & their purity taken away from them. Why do we keep thinking that what we have is "different" or that we are the "exception" if millions of people are constantly being heartbroken every year, I am pretty sure they used to think what they had with their partners were different too. Please, if he is pressuring you to have sex he does not love you. Trust me, Brotherrmunniib, & all those who are telling you not to give in. This is Shaytan's work. If you can do what I did, give him up for Allah & wait for the special man who will come one day, who will marry you first before even looking at you that way. Who will not even need to force you to have sex, you won't even need to feel pressured to do anything or even feel guilty because you will be ready & doing it the way Allah said is permissible.

    Remember, Allah does not want to make our lives difficult. He does not want us to suffer. He has infinite knowledge, knows all our flaws, knows all the paths we will go to, knows all the tricks shaytan plays on us, so know that whatever you are going through is not exclusive, many people have gone through it long before you & many people will unfortunately go through it after you. Just keep faith in Him & do what He tells you to because He wants us to move away from all that drama, heartbreak, & unnecessary problems associated with these things. He is giving us a clear path that He tells us to follow to get away from all those horrible things people get involved with & end up getting hurt badly.

    I hope this helps. Please do not make this mistake. If I knew what I do now, I would have broke it off right then & there. Now all i seek is Allah's forgiveness.

    "Remember, this life is so temporary that we do not even know if we will live to see tomorrow. The next life, Akhira, is eternal. Even if it's dust & mud it, will be eternal. Sometimes we hold on to things in this life because our minds can not grasp & process the concept of eternity. It may hurt for a bit, it may hurt to see your boyfriend sad, or if you decide to break it off it may hurt now, but time will heal you in this life, you will eventually get over it. The afterlife however, the pain you may feel then, time will never heal it, it will only get worse." This is just a reminder to myself as well as all those who are going through difficult times.

    -Pepper

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