Islamic marriage advice and family advice

British woman in love with a Muslim man – why can’t he marry me?

Love in Islam

Love and Islam

Hello,

I have found this site today as I am looking for some advice/support from people with a better insight into Islam than I may have. After looking online, this doesn't seem to be an uncommon story, but I will share it, and any feedback will be appreciated.

I am a British girl who fell in love with a British Muslim two years ago. We have been in a very happy relationship, and love each other dearly.

My world fell apart this time last year, when without any warning he said he couldn't be with me. We separated for a couple of weeks, however we were soon inseparable again and have been together ever since.

Early this year I discovered that the reason he separated from me was that he was forced into a marriage by his father, and he had said he didn't want it, and it was never going to work between them.

I accepted that culturally I had a lot to learn, and I have been educating myself on the ways of Islam with a mind to committing myself to this religion. We moved forward from this episode and have been working towards a future together ever since.

My issue is, I have never met his friends or family, and yesterday he told me that I wouldn't be accepted into his community because of my race. I find this extremely difficult to accept. I understand traditions, and how interracial relationships aren't celebrated within the Pakistani community, however I can't help but feel I should be introduced to them and our relationship be allowed to flourish fully.

We have spoken about our own marriage, and our relationship has survived a lot of challenges which I feel is a testament to us, and we should do it justice by seeing it through to the next stage. I can't see my future without him now. It's a devastating thought, and I know he feels the same. I would never want him to have to choose between me and his family, but I fear he is frightened of their reaction to this relationship.

Many thanks for any responses.

-Louise1987


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39 Responses »

  1. Assalaam alikum(peace be upon u).
    Firstly... any muslim family ll not accept u as non muslim.. Either u have to convert to islam religion and follow islam correctly and u should marry him.... many peoples things that u have converted to islam religion to just get this guy and spend u r life... but islam it the religion where u should love for allah the only one god... and i would like to say to look on the histories of prophets ...and learn about what is islam...then get marry to him..

    secondly....u wouldn't be accepted into his community because of u r race.... there is no such things...in our islam...the one who converts to islam... allah will forgive his past sins...u r just like a new born baby with no sins...and if u follow islam correctly..allah ll reward u higher rank in heaven...tell him this...

    now coming to u r guy...explain this things to him... and insha allah...everything ll become alright...and gain knowledge on islam...this ll help u for u r second life also....

  2. salam aleykum

    hello Louise. Thanks for asking your question. I'll try to help inshallah. The first thing to understand is that actually in Islam you cannot have a boyfriend/girlfriend situation. Accepted that in modern times in the West a lot of Muslims do have relationships, It is actually forbidden. If I understand you, want to be recognized by his family as a couple before committing to marriage. This is not acceptable to the majority of Pakistani families. Also, there is the issue of Pakistani men not being allowed generally to marry white women, whom the Pakistani families tend to consider immoral and "free" if you follow the metaphor - which is going to be the case with you unfortunately because you seem to have been already in a relationship with this man. To be honest, a lot of men, Pakistani men in particular in the UK, do have girlfriends, and sow their wild oats before accepting a marriage proposal from someone selected by their families. This is the Pakistani culture.
    My advice - for what it is worth - and i cannot emphasize this enough - do not think you will be able to force/persuade this man's family to accept you - even if they like you.
    Do not become a Muslim to please or be able to marry this man. Become a Muslim for yourself - to get you into Paradise - actually a woman does not have to convert to Islam to marry a Muslim man if she is a practising Christian. Still it is good you want to become a Muslim - but then what is stopping you? If this man says he will not marry you then will you stop being a Muslim? Be a Muslim for yourself. Trust in God to give you what is best for you in this life and the next life. Sometimes we have to accept things we don’t like because they are best for us.
    In all honesty, from my experience, I will say this man is enjoying you while he can and because he can. If he has to choose from a wife selected by his family or you, it will not be you. This is the normal pattern with Pakistani men. You should educate yourself and I am sorry if I sound hard. This is reality. If you were married I would be saying that you should stay together and be patient but because you are not married it says all you need to know. After 2 years it is obvious this man will not marry you, otherwise he would already have taken you to the mosque and married you.

    • i agree with Nardar 🙂

    • Hello all,
      I have recently found myself in a relationship with a very kind Muslim man, he does voluntary work for people with drug and alcohol addictions which I myself am in recovery from as is he. I joined the centre purely because I wanted to have acupuncture so I never go back to those dark awful place. I am going to become a volunteer there myself as don't touch anything anymore.
      I am very spiritual and believe I met this guy for a reason as we instantly fell for each other Am I right in thinking his " brothers" will always come first? I am meeting him on Monday for two days where I have booked a hotel (he's not sleeping there with me) but I booked the wrong days mon-tues but he wanted it to be tues-weds as he was going to derby
      Which I know is a big meeting place for Muslims and I felt so bad but he said it's ok he's gonna split the time for me! He has bought me a book about Muslims for the positive ways! I have loads of tattoos and was practising Buddhism which I've
      Stopped as Muslims hate Buddhists?im born a Catholic but don't practice it so am a Christian. I'm worried I'll not be accepted by his friends or if I'll even meet them as I'm
      Quite out there! I would appreciate some
      Advice if anyone would be so
      Kind X

      • Sarah Elouise: I myself am in recovery from as is he. I joined the centre purely because I wanted to have acupuncture so I never go back to those dark awful place. I am going to become a volunteer there myself as don't touch anything anymore..... Am I right in thinking his " brothers" will always come first?...I am meeting him on Monday for two days where I have booked a hotel (he's not sleeping there with me) but I booked the wrong days mon-tues but he wanted it to be tues-weds as he was going to derby

        You both are in recovery. Take your time to know him. Try to know if he has other family. It is nice you booked a hotel for 2 days to meet him.

        Why should "brothers" come first and you as second?

    • Nardar: Also, there is the issue of Pakistani men not being allowed generally to marry white women, whom the Pakistani families tend to consider immoral and "free" if you follow the metaphor - which is going to be the case with you unfortunately because you seem to have been already in a relationship with this man. To be honest, a lot of men, Pakistani men in particular in the UK, do have girlfriends, and sow their wild oats before accepting a marriage proposal from someone selected by their families. This is the Pakistani culture.

      So Pakistan culture does not allow Pakistani men to marry White women who are considered "immoral" but Pakistani families don't mind if Pakistani men have girl friends.

  3. If a man can't stand up for you in front of his family and tell them from the beginning that he loves you....then he is using you and is just too cowardly to tell you that to your face.

    My dear, find someone who loves you and will share his love openly and will not keep you as his lil secret.

    Do not feel devastated, sometimes blessing are disguised as tragedies. Enjoy your freedom from a man who's family will only make you inferior.

    It's not cultural, it's just that his family is strict and a bit close minded. I am also in a multi racial marriage, and his family was open for the beginning and from the beginning we met each other's parents, because your inlaws are a part of your life....and you don't want their weird ideologies to make you and your children inferior if you do ever come together.

    Love yourself sister and find someone who really cares, this man is just playing and has no will of his own if he is blaming his parents and saying that they are " forcing him". No one can force you to sign a paper if you are a grown man.

    • I agree with you Samira if a man is not willing to be honest about you and the relationship to his parents then leave him.

      If it takes two to be in a relationship why people using parents afterwards surely you think about the honor and the rest before you get into this kind of relationship. People do make mistakes I know but no one forces anyone to do anything they don't want to do. Seems to me this man you got isn't going to fight for you he is using you, you need to realise you are worth more than this. This relationship you got is not a relationship according to Islam hence this is why it is easy for men to use women like meat. My strong advise to you is end this relationship and find someone who will be honest with you and love you for you.

  4. Alaikum and good morning-
    Hope you are ok by grace of Allah-
    and the situation you are telling is very confusing for you-
    due to the infatuation u both are invloved and love only takes place after you both do nokah and get blessings of Allah-
    Correspondence between the sexes is not permissible, because that provokes temptation and usually results in evil. If a man corresponds with a non-mahram woman in letters that are not seen by anyone else, that leads to many evils.
    As for the love that stems from repeated looking, haraam mixing or correspondence, the one who does that is sinning to the extent that he does haraam things in his relationship and love.
    Islam forbids a woman to be alone with a man who is not her mahram because of the fitnah (temptation) and bad things that result from that, such as attachment and the desire to look and touch, etc.

    All of this results from the man talking to the woman in these private letters or conversations, especially if they are young and at an age when desire is strong.
    Shaykh Ibn Jibreen (may Allaah preserve him) was asked: What is the ruling on correspondence between young men and young women, if this correspondence is free from immorality, love and desire?

    He replied: It is not permissible for any person to correspond with a woman who is not his mahram, because of the temptation involved in that. The person may think that there is no temptation, but the shaytaan will keep trying until he tempts him through her, and tempts her through him.
    Moreover, these illicit relationships that take place before marriage will be a cause to make each party doubtful about the other.
    The husband will think that his wife may possibly have a similar relationship with someone else, and even if he thinks it unlikely, he will still be troubled by the fact that his wife did do something wrong with him.
    And the same thoughts may occur to the wife too, and she will think that her husband could possibly have an affair with another woman, and even if she thinks it unlikely, she will still be troubled by the fact that her husband did something wrong with her.
    So each partner will live in a state of doubt and suspicion, which will ruin their relationship sooner or later.
    The husband may condemn his wife for having agreed to have a relationship with him before marriage, which will be upsetting for her, and this will cause their relationship to deteriorate.
    Hence we think that if a marriage is based upon an illicit premarital relationship, it will most likely be unstable and will not be successful.

  5. Louise,

    I feel for you in this situation, but from a cultural standpoint you have to understand that in some Pakistani families it is an ABSOLUTE expectation that a son will marry the person his family chooses for him. Most likely his bride will be a cousin or daughter of his family's close friends. You didn't mention if his wife currently resides in Pakistan or not, but within certain families, those abroad are expected to marry one from home to help out their family members back home. It is often an obligation from which there really is no escape from except to cut all ties from their family. To refuse a marriage, especially arranged with a cousin would cause drama the likes of which would be crazy. Many men don't have the courage or desire to cause family rifts if they refuse a cousin marriage. Instead, many begrudgingly go along with the marriage and try to find a little happiness on the side, sometimes engaging in secret marriages and producing secret children which then lends itself to a whole host of other issues.

    If your boyfriend does not desire to take you as a second wife and make your relationship halal, and or wants to keep you his forever secret, then you have to decide whether or not this is compelling enough of an issue for you to push you to find another who will marry you openly. The way you are describing it, it seems as though he is fine to continue along the secret non-halal relationship route. You deserve better than this, muslim or not.

    I have a friend who is from Pakistan and he is already married to his wife here in the USA. Everyone knows about her as they didn't marry secretly. However, once the man received his citizenship in this country his mother arranged an engagement to his young cousin back in Pakistan. This man does not want to marry his cousin, he can barely make ends meet financially as it is. But he is engaged, and the family expects him to marry soon. I asked him why he didn't just say "NO!" His response was that there would be too much drama and the family would get in big arguments and he didn't want to make his mom sad. Too bad nobody gave a single thought as to how his current wife might feel, but since she isn't "family" nobody really seems to care.

    • Lydia, your explanation is superb. Even I can apply it to myself. I have a couple of posts here, and it's kind of the same. Pakistani guy with strong family ties. Difference is that we have a baby daughter, and even thou he is extremely scared of even coming to see us, let alone giving his surname to baby. He is just scared of everything related to his family, although they are in Pakistan, only couple of relatives living here in our country. He is not married and that is still far away. But your description of how Pakistanis work and the fear they have of their families is extremely accurate. The father of my baby is ready to renounce his child in order not to upset his family and suffer the consequences of his family quarrel

      • I feel for you in this situation, but from a cultural standpoint you have to understand that in some Pakistani families it is an ABSOLUTE expectation that a son will marry the person his family chooses for him

        WHAT DO PAKISTANI FAMILIES SAY ABOUT PAKISTANI MEN HAVING SEX WITH NON-MUSLIM WOMEN IN FOREIGN COUNTRIES OR MARRYING WOMEN IN WESTERN COUNTRIES TO GET CITIZENSHIP? These men know what they are doing. After they have USED the woman for few months/years, they suddenly start talking how their families are forcing them to marry a cousin in Pakistan

  6. Louise,

    I have no solution for you but I can at least explain some things that may be useful to you.

    1. When he says that interracial marriages aren't celebrated in Pakistani community then he is being an ignorant fool. In more educated circles its usually not that much of a problem. However if the person involved is educated and the family is not then it can be a huge headache. Then there is the feudal system in Pakistan which is such a deep rooted problem that I have no way to summarize it.

    2. Even if you two do end up together then be ready to face some sort of exile from his family for at least 10 years. In my experience, it takes that long for at least some sort of decent communication going back and forth once the son has disobeyed the father. (Again this happens in cases where the guy is from a family that pride themselves in their caste.)

    3. Mothers in particular feel emotionally betrayed when the son goes and picks his own bride. Takes the mom a long time to overcome this and this wound rarely heals.

    4. However, its not all doom and gloom. My very dear friend married an American who converted within the first year and she is adored by his family (of course there still are some cultural differences that create unique problems which are quite interesting when he does sit down to tell us abou them.) On the other hand, I have palestinian friend whose father never really warmed to his son's wife who is also an american. Even though she has had an immensely positive influence on him.

    5. If you do end up getting married then one thing that you can do win his family's hearts is help your husband become a better son to his parents. Once the parents see the positive influence you have had on him they will soften. Even if they are bad to him and create problems for him, keep encouraging him to be a better son. You on the other hand may never be able to win their hearts but as long as you interact with them in kindness your actions will not go unnoticed.

    6. Finally, in Islam extra-marital relations are a very big issue. So make sure that you avoid that at all cost.

    Regards

  7. Race is not the issue, religion is. If you two truly love each other....both of you have to make it happen. You have to convert to Islam in order to marry him and he has to be man enough to tell his parents that he loves a British Muslim and wants to marry her. Both of you have to show some courage and prove that the LOVE is 'real'. Simple is that. Good luck.

  8. Hi Louise,

    My advise to you is to move on without him, I know it is painful. If he does not stand up for you now, he won't do it in the future. Even if he stands up for you, I advise you to live far away from their family. It will help you and your husband to establish a solid life before anyone jump in to give you any "support" or "opinion" of what you should do.

    You both are adults and he especially should be man enough to speak to his family. As the previous post said, he should not have developed the relationship with you but he did already. He enjoys you as a companion and maybe physical pleasure as well but refuse or cannot gather courage to stand up for you. Imagine that in the future. I know you love him and no doubt that he does. It definitely be painful for you to think of living without him, but trust me, it is for you own good. I should not be so direct, I see so many cases in England, most of the time, the "white" woman would leave the marriage and regret after they get marriage. Or worse, leave with the child and abandon the religion.

    As Lydia's post explains all, Pakistani / Indian community has a very strong family tie, A VERY STRONG tie that you will not even fit in regardless you are or you are not muslim. I have friends that are Pakistani / Indian, they obey and observe and respect their elders so much that sometimes suffocating or forsaken their own family decision. They could let their in-laws / close family to step into their family business from children's name to even where to buy a house.

    Do not convert Islam for the sake of him. Islam means a complete submission to Allah and your life style will be totally different from what you are having now. I hope you embrace Islam without bringing in any personal issues. Take care.

  9. Hello, fellow sister.

    They will not be a difference between Muslim or not it's that you're white. I went through the same thing now I'm a USA Muslim. Although his family never accepted we still planned and everything... His family were upset but love is love.

    His family were planning a wedding for him and his sister. My husband denied it and moved to USA and met me. We fell in love, he told me to become a Muslim as his family will deny the marriage but that was not the case... My race was. At first I felt like something had died and he and I didn't talk for 3 weeks but after that he told me he wasn't listening to his mum and dad anymore and he'll stick to plan of the wedding. We have been married for 11 months now and It's going well. I had twins 3 days late so far but I loved it, they've began crawling just a week now. Hope you agree, tell your loved one to ask his parents to cancel the marriage. But I suggest you don't go too far like I did. Oh and we don't live in USA we live in Pakistani with his parents, although I don't like it there It's where his family are from.

    • They will not be a difference between Muslim or not it’s that you’re white.

      There are class and race differences among Muslims too. Arabs never let their women marry Pakistani, Indian or Bangladeshi men.

      Many Muslims will marry White women but very few will like to be seen with a black African woman. Many marry a WHITE women to get citizenship with understanding of their families.

      • Assalaamualaikam

        Racism and prejudice sadly do exist even amongst Muslims, but this isn't part of Islam - The Prophet (peace be upon him) taught that no man is higher than another on account of his birth or skin colour, but rather what distinguishes people is their faith.

        As such, we shouldn't accept "that's just the way it is" but should work together to help break down barriers and find common ground.

        Midnightmoon
        IslamicAnswers.com editor

        • Midnightmoon, I agree with you.

          SubhanAllah Jahilliya spread so much so to an extent some people want to claim certain practices are fine because some "Muslims" practice them.

  10. Hi Louise,
    Having read your letter, let me tell you to be careful. I am a European woman who has been living in London for 20 years.
    3 years ago i met a Pakistani man, he insisted in getting married, so we did in secret!. But he's changed due to guilt of being married to a non Muslim. Anyway , 3 years into this marriage, and nobody knows that we are married, i've been paying for absolutely everything, while he's been sending all his salary to his family in Pakistan although we never discussed that this would be the plan. But i let him do to see how far he goes...and because i love him of course... He lied to me many times, and i do believe he loves me in a way!, but he's making the most of being married to a European wife. Don't underestimate culture, as respectful as i am with everything to do with him, i will never be good enough for him or his family ( i won't even try with them). And me working like a mule for him is not going to make him feel more respect for me . Nothing will make up the fact that what we did was wrong, we should have never got married in the first place. No matter how much we did love eachother. Now we both are heartbroken because we came to a conclusion that there is no future. And he doesn't want to get divorce, he wants to marry again to someone in Pakistan. If i don't start chasing lawyers now i will end up paying for his wedding too!. So think with your head not your heart!.

  11. Louise1987 I fear for you a terrible end. Inshallah Allah guide you. It seems this guy might be playing with you. We see it a lot now in day guys who think they can have illegal relationships with no believers but never marry them nor introduce them to their parents (explains why he wouldn't want you in his friends circle and has he introduced you to his parents?) If he was a good Muslim as he tries to act by saying "I cannot marry you because you are not Muslim", he wouldn't have been in a relationship with you in the beginning. I really hope he is not one of this but he sure sound like many I know. Please do not let the lust blind you and find your self lost when he says goodbye again... may be he finds a wife.

  12. I'm a white woman married to a pakistani muslim man happily for almost ten years. Muslim men are allowed to marry women of any faith, however it doesn't work the other way around.
    That's a tragic story and unfortunately many non muslim women are hurt this way when their boyfriend tells them (falsely) that they can't marry them based on their race/religion.
    I suspect the real reason is fear of disownment from his family. Unfortunately this is a very common reality at least in the lives of many south asian muslim men I know of. The families are very protective of their honor and status and view western women as promiscuous and more likely to bring shame upon the family.
    While this doesn't apply to every muslim family it does apply to most-and they are extremely intolerant of scandal.
    All I can tell you is to try to move on as best as you can. The woman he married is innocent in all this and was probably engaged to him through a family arrangement long before you two met. And you better bet your bottom dollar he's having sex with her. Also, it's against islam to force marriage. He's lying to you, sadly.
    All of this has nothing to do with his religion, however, it does have to do a lot with his culture.
    I wish you luck and if you ever fall for a muslim man again you should definitely ask his views before it becomes serious and you wind up with a broken heart.

    • Sarah: I suspect the real reason is fear of disownment from his family. Unfortunately this is a very common reality at least in the lives of many south asian muslim men I know of. The families are very protective of their honor and status and view western women as promiscuous

      Real reason is these men just have relationships for SEX only with Western women. I guess this family honor does not include their men having sex without marriage with Western women.

      • This is true, many of them do use western women for sex- but I've seen other such relationships last for years-only after immense pressure from the family do these men leave the western women and marry their own.
        Like I said, I'm married to one..and I saw a few of your posts about arabs not marrying bangalis and so forth..well that's just a lie. My best friend is an arab married to a bengali. My other friend is a puertorican married to a palestinian for over 30 years.
        And like I said, I'm married with a pakistani over 10 years.
        I wouldn't stereotype or make generalizations about a whole group of people if I were you. What happened to Louise is awful, but here In the USA where I am, women are used all the time regardless of the mans nationality/religion. Men use women. They rape, pillage and steal. This is why jails house more men than women. It's a species problem, not a muslim/pakistani/Arab one.You sound racist and angry. Maybe you've been hurt. Hope you heal up and find someone. If you'd rather spew your hatred maybe you should be on an anti islamic website where others will agree with your point of view.

  13. Religion has nothing to do with it.This is clear and every muslim should know that a muslim man can marry a christian and jewish woman.The best successful way to live a married life like this is to be away from parents of both sides otherwise there is no love

  14. i m a muslim boy and i love english people i need i english girl to merry me

    • Assalaamualaikam

      This is not a marriage site. If you wish to look for a spouse, discuss the matter with your family and ask them to help you look, and/or ask if your local mosque have an introductions service.

      Midnightmoon
      IslamicAnswers.com editor

    • @ Mehran- and you love English people blah blah and more so the little red book called a British passport. Why don't you look closer to home for a wife. It's a pity you don't love the English language so much as the word is M A R R Y.

  15. ...

    [Editor's note: Please submit your question as a new post for publication rather than as a comment on an existing post. That way it can be published and answered in turn, inshaAllah.]

  16. Salaam
    I totally sympathise with your situation, and wish you all the best in future.
    However you saying new home office rules are good that makes it so that only people earning above a certain amount can bring their husband/ wife to uk i totally disagree. Things arent so cut and dried and what about the people who genuinely love but cant be together because of finances... Surely this isnt right.
    They do need to check relationships are real i agree but not make it so that people who are less fortunate cannot even be with loved ones
    Yes this has happened to me...

  17. Dear Sister,

    I am a muslim man and want to say that If he had extramarital relations with you then he is not a practicing muslim no matter what he calls himself because Islam does not teach this. Further, Islam has not differentiate on the basis of cast, color or race. The only thing makes you superior in Islam is the level of following ALLAH's commandments convincingly.

    Second if he is taking cover of his parents that he cannot go against his parent/family then did he think before getting into relationship with you or he got permission with his parents/family or does Islam says this?

    Please if you really want to convert to Islam then do without any interest except if you find it the right way and about your relation with him is that If muslim men start following Islam then the muslim women will be the most happiest among all in the world.

    Islam gives such a respect to women that no other religion/society offers, please read Quran to see that what women is entitled to in Islam.

  18. What?! You wouldn't be accepted into his community because of your race?!...then his community are not Muslims because Quran says 49:13 (O mankind, indeed We have created you from male and female and made you peoples and tribes that you may know one another. Indeed, the most noble of you in the sight of Allah is the most righteous of you. Indeed, Allah is Knowing and Acquainted)

    And im saying they are not Muslims because verse 16:105 says (They only invent falsehood who do not believe in the verses of Allah , and it is those who are the liars)

    • Mohamad, it doesn't mean that they are not Muslims. Just that they are not good Muslims, or perhaps are not properly educated as Muslims.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  19. Errr i am a pakistani and i have married a white like you and my parents are happy with our marriage and so is she.Maybe just his parents are rude because my parents accepted her without any problem

  20. I am trying to be in a relationship with a muslim called Zara Ali unfortunately problems started when I was told I couldn't be with her because I am British and Zara is a muslim

    • There are millions of British Muslims. What you mean to say is that you are not Muslim. And yes, a Muslim woman cannot marry a non-Muslim man. If you want to marry her you must convert to Islam sincerely.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  21. I have the solution of your problem also if the boy like to marry you Islam give permission why he is not willing to show you with his family that's another issue.

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