He broke up, but I still want to marry him
Assala Mualaykum,
Please help me, at the moment I'm going through depression. Just two month ago I was introduced to a guy through a marital website. The person lives abroad, and we continued our relationship by chatting over cell phone and through e-mail. We promised each other that we will get married soon and we loved each other very much, but suddenly an unexpected incident happened in his life and he told me that he can't get married and besides that he does not love me anymore.
I tried to convince him, but he used rough words at me and insulted me, and after that he stopped contacting me. I tried and still I'm trying to contact him, but he does not make any response. I can't stop thinking about him even though he insulted me, I madly love him yet. I'm trying to forget him but failing to overcome this depression.
I'm doing Salat and reciting Quraan, and I feel better when I do Namaz and recite Quraan, but after that again I fall in depression. now I have a question: can I make any dua to Allah to have this man in my life as my husband in halal way? Is it legal? I don't want to make any Haram relationship with him anymore, I just want him back as my husband in my life. Please, tell me what should I do now?
-wanthelp
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Salaams,
Sister, in your case I think the best thing you can do is let the man go. He made his decision, and it's not respectful or caring for you to fight him on it. Not only that, when you tried to change his mind in the past, he became verbally abusive to you. Do you really want to coerce someone into a relationship against their will, and have them resent you to the point where they mistreat you with their words? All of that is strictly unnecessary and is easily avoided if you continue to try to work on moving on from him.
Being rejected or broken up with is always hard and painful. No one wants to go through it, and the common conclusion the heartbroken often come to is that the way to fix the pain is to have the person back who they lost. However, that's not really true. The way to heal the pain genuinely is to focus on your future without him, and trust that Allah has someone better in store for you. Continue your ibadah so that when you meet the right man, you will be ready to be a good wife to him.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
How can you love this man and get upset about him when you have only known him for one month? I have leftover candy paper in my car (not really, I'm a total neat and hygiene freak) that's older than your "relationship". Here's what makes me suspicious of this guy:
1) Within a very (and I mean, VERY) short period of time, he has managed to convince you that he loves you and wants to mary you...promises you things. And you buy in to it. Sounds to me like he's someone who finds vulnerable, naive girls online and try to see how he can use them to his advantage. Obviously, he realized there was nothing for him to use when it comes to you, and he decided to move on. Probably to some other poor, naive girl.
2) He could convince you even quicker that he doesn't love you "anymore". So, literally, within 1-2 weeks, he's gone from loving you madly to not loving you at all. Doesn't that sound...weird to you? Doesn't that sound...unlikely? Fake? Unrealistic?
Sister, there's nothing to be depressed about, he's probably some lying loser who realized there was nothing there for him to take advantage of you for. Stop forming emotional relationship online to random men who lie to you - stop believing people who try to convince you that they are in love with you when they have only texted you for a few weeks. And stop allowing random men to approach you online. It's unislamic.
same story with me but only this diffrence that man comes to me after some months and now again start that relation but its very painful and long now coz he cant merry with me coz of some resons and besides this he dont want leve me and offcourse me2 now this relation going in same condition and passed 3years .i have no choise and no result only wait wait and wait
You can make dua if you want to. If it makes you feel better, go ahead and do it. But I think Allah SWT has already answered your dua, and the answer is "no" -- you just don't want to acknowledge that (which is understandable, at this stage). The entire situation hurts, but eventually you will move on and realize he was not worth your tears. Our natural inclination is to turn to Allah when we are in pain, when someone hurts us, or when things don't go in the manner that we had hoped -- and naturally you have turned to Allah. But I doubt He is going to bring this man back to you, because the man has already decided he does not want to be with you anymore.
A lot of these internet guys pull disappearing acts all the time. Also, remember that he is overseas -- an ocean away! I doubt he loved you. Internet matchmaking is a very different type of method for looking for a spouse, and it is not modelled on the Islamic model of having close loved ones vet a prospective match for you so as to protect your best interests. You have no control over the pool of people on these sites. If I were you, I would ask your family and friends to introduce you to someone for marriage purposes. I have almost 10 years of experience dealing with internet matchmaking sites, so trust me on this!
Why don't you try praying for something else? Like a different husband, or an exciting job, or peace, healing and tranquility?
Dear Sister,
I had somewhat a similar experience so i can understand your feelings and thoughts.
While looking for a groom on a matrimony site (i registered with prior permission of my family) , a guy contacted me. He was from a different country i.e. UK. He showed interest in me and i with due permission of my family, communicated with him over emails ONLY. Just formal communication (talking about interest, education, islam etc) to know about each other. I kind of liked him, he just had wanted to hear my yes. he even stated that its already a yes from him. (actually i came to know this later that my details were sent to him by his best friend, who had thought that we (that UK guy and me) would be ideal for marriage).
I, after consulting with my family, said yes to him and in response, he informed me that he would be visiting my country (his native place, where his family was) and would visit my house alongwith his family. We could have talked over fon or chat but we both did not opt for it. This is something we both had chosen (or may it was like that he knew my nature (From his friend) that i wont appreciate such thing). we communicated daily but only emails only. I had not fallen in love but i was content with him as he seemed to a nice guy. But then i did not hear from him. Inbetween , i had my exams too. I waited for some time, then i sent him a formal mail to know his whereabouts, in response,he sent back a cold reply that he indeed visited my country (his home) but he is now engaged with someone else. Can you imagine how (if not painful) but frustrating it would have been for me since i had involved my family in it as well.
The amazing thing i learnt later when i got a message from his best friend that it was he sent my details to him. he held me responsible that i did not say Yes to him and kept him hanging. I was shocked at this blame. I told his friend that since he is engaged now hence no point in discussing about it anymore. Then he gave me a shock by informing that he was not engaged to anyone at all. All this frustrated me for a while but then i realized that he was a coward and either his family must have not approved my proposal. it pained me quite a lot at that time because i had given a serious thought to get married to him( but now i just get a smile thinking of this. )
With this bitter experience, i closed my account on matrimony sites as i realized that such hunting on internet is not practical and it becomes hard to know the actual side of the other person.
in my case though the guy was genuine but was a coward. But it would also have been possible that i might have someone fake (some guys use such site just to pass time with girls in the name of marriage ). this could be the same thing in your case too. you cannot confirm genuineness of that person.
Still if we consider that he was genuine but now he doesn't want to take this matter ahead. there is no pointing in thinking why or why not. he has made his decision and you cannot force a person to marry you.
it was actually not even love but infatuation. we girls often mistake this illusion for love. Trust me, its a bitter fact.
However, you still feel that you both had true feelings for each other but tell me one thing, would you like to marry someone who is not willing to, who uses rough words for you, you insults you, who even does not care to respond to you, you just ignore you. Will you still feel like to marry him??
See the other side of the coin my dear sister. He is the same guy who once claimed to love you and marry you, now also he is same guy who insults you, who wants to get rid of you. His behavior has confirmed that he is not a genuine guy.
instead of feeling heart broken (i know it pains) but you must open your eyes and if you do so, you would end up thanking almighty to save you from this bad guy who changed dramatically. he was not worth you. trust me my dear sister. i am talking practical from my own personal experience.
please realize and accept the reality and you will find yourself at peace and thankful to almighty. Ask Allah (Swt) for a genuine, loving , good Muslim Husband.
i wish you good luck
your sister
Salaam sis.Deary, YOU.HAVE.DONE.NOTHING.Although I can empathize, that for a modest,family oriented girl even this much can cause a tremendous amount of guilt, since we have been brought up in a very sheltered atmosphere and believe the world to be as sincere and honest as we are.But please sis, don't beat yourself about it to this extent that it destroys your peace of mind ( I know that is easier said than done ).You did everything with the prior knowledge of your parents, you were sincere in your belief that he was going to marry you, but you still did not cross limits.You should be very proud of yourself, hon.If anyone should be ashamed it should be that guy, who was a coward and a loser and a cheat,he did not deserve someone like you.Your only mistake was getting emotionally involved and even the best of us slip sometimes , and your mistake was but a small slip, for which you have repented so much and insha'Allah Allah will surely listen to the prayers of a gem like you and grant you not only forgiveness and peace of mind, but a future better than one you could have imagined.I have often seen that it is often the most sheltered and innocent girls who have experiences like this, because of lack of experience and street smarts in a morally degenerating world.They just cannot believe someone can do such a thing, and I have the feeling it was the same case with you.But sis,although I empathise with your emotions at this time,try to remember that other sisters have gone through much,much worse, from which Allah has saved you from.You did not even meet the guy, and just emailed him,which I am sure was more about the purpose of getting to know each other for marriage,rather than a bf/gf relationship.you must be asking yourself 'why me?'.Sis, EVERYONE in this world is being tested,in big ways or small..I read this quote somewhere 'Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.'.I do not know of one person who has had a perfectly easy life.Secondly, from our prior discussions, I know that you, like me have been trying to better your self from a religious point of view after your bad experience (which honestly wasn't that bad, compared to a lot of other stories).So, great good did come out of this experience : you getting closer to Allah!and maybe these effrots will be the cause of us getting into Jannah ultimately.Also Allah wanted to show you that 'not all that glitters is gold' and there are men who are 'wolves in sheeps clothing'!Thank God you were protected from such a man,You deserve so,so much better.And try to feel better about yourself and don't feel guilty,please!you just made a small error in judgement, it wasn't like you had an passionate love affair or anything!You are not dirty,tainted or impure, you are still the same person you have always been, just more wiser and stronger.Please,please believe in this,believe in yourself,continue in trying to perfect yourself in religion and insha'Allah Allah will protect you from all further such mishaps.Ameen!
Salam sister anxious-soul and thank u so much, yes sister u r right, i m in much more better position than others brothers/sisters, i read lot of stories here and i see that how miserable life they r spending !!!!!!!!!! sometimes i think that how can they will get rid of their restless position!!!!!!! some stories make me crying, i always pray for them, Allah will save them Insha Allah.
also i think that it is my test, Allah put me in this test so that i can come close to Allah bcz Allah loves me lot and i feel very happy to think in this way and i believe that.
thank u sister , u and all of u here will be always in my prayer for helping me .
Dear both,
It gives me some sort of true happiness when i find someone getting on to right path with my little contribution in form of advice or by sharing my personal experiences. I committed grave mistake in my life as i could never get anyone who could guide me or listen to my inner side what i was going through. That's why i have made it a point that if possible, if i really can, i will try to show people the right path. it gives me some sort of relief and i pray to almighty to forgive me for my sin.
@wanthelp- I am really happy to learn that you are coming out of this. stay close to allah (swt).
@anxious-soul - my little sister. Thank you so much for your kind words. But this was just a chapter of my past life. The troubled life i had have and that sin i have done in past- my guilt is multifold. I have put up my questions which are yet to publish. i dont know if you read them, will you still count me as your sister! I am not a bad person (i wont claim this but people around say this that i am a 'good' girl) but i have done bad thing..too bad..i wish if i had someone who could guide me or i wish if i had known that there are website like this where one can get islamic advice. i might have not gone astray. i just hope that allah (Swt) will forgive me. aameen. just do duas for me.
Sis repenter muslima,
I can never believe that you have done anything bad. You are such a helpful and compassionate person who gives up so much time helping others. It doesn't matter one bit what you done yesterday. What matters is who you are now. From reading your advises you sound like an amazing sister full of so much love and care. So people are right you are more then a "good girl"
Forget about yesterday and remember today and tomorrow! ( sorry feeling poetic today! Lol)
; )
Dear Sister Sumaira,
today i read kind encouraging words from my little sister Anxious Soul, now i happen to read yours, this comforts my soul. I hope that Allah (swt) will forgive me and will ease my mental and emotional trauma i am having these days. I hope that Allah (swt) will forgive me. Aameen
Once again, thank you for your 'poetic' words...i love poetry..even used to write too..yeah i too want to forget about yesterday, allah (swt) has blessed me with so many things, i wish to see bright side of my life...
may allah (swt) bless you all for easing my pain with your kind and encouraging words. aameen
Thank u sister Muslimah and thanks to all here for giving me good suggestion/advices and helping me to get rid of the pain. Alhamdulillah gradually i came out from this unhealthy position, i m much more better than before, actually Namaz, fasting and besides that this website helped me to return to myself. Every day i visit this website and i see there are lot of people in the world who r leading very painful life more than me, i m in much better position. thanks to all again and pls pray for me so that i can keep touch with Allah always and can be a good muslimah.
Salam sis,
Thats great! Remember you have not lost anything. Allah has saved you. Now you are more wiser and can learn from past mistakes. You have your whole life ahead of you. So don't spoil today for what happened yesterday. No point dwelling in the past when time is our enemy. Make the most of today and live within the limits of Islam happily.
Forget your worries and be happy : )
I say move on from this loser if he doesn't respect you if he doesn't respect you now what makes you think he will respect you when you marry him? Move on he's nothing but a loser