Can a Muslim woman marry a non-Muslim man if she controls the family?
A marriage should not be a dictatorship by either party. The Islamic marriage is a partnership in which each member has a role to play.
QUESTION:
Dear Wael,
Alsalam, I'd like to start by thanking you for your time and consideration for my question. My question is as following - i truly much hope you can guide me and answer my concerns:
Part 1: Is it allowed in Islam for a Muslim woman to marry a Christian man? If the non-Muslim man acknowledges the Prophet Mohammed (asws) as the final prophet and Islam as the last completing religion, and prophet Issa (asws) is Allah's messenger and not his son, is that enough without the need to convert to Islam? If the Muslim woman has the sole control of raising and directing the family?
Part 2: If the non-Muslim man converts, how would he deal with his non-Muslim family, parents and relatives? What if he has kids from a former marriage who are Christians as well - how would he deal with them? how would these kids fit with his Muslim kids?
Please advise - jazak Allah (swt) khairan.
- Diljah from Canada
WAEL'S ANSWER:
Dear Diljah, Wa alaykum as salamu wa rahmatullah,
1. It is not allowed for a Muslim woman to marry a non-Muslim man. Period. That is Allah's decree, not mine.
2. In what family does the woman have the sole control and direction of the family? That is not realistic.
3. If the man converts to Islam, he would deal with his non-Muslim family the same as always, as his family. They are still his family and his loved ones. His relationship with them should not change and in fact he should become even closer with them, since Islam values the family ties very highly. If his non-Muslim children live with them, they can continue to do so. If they are older and they choose not to accept Islam, that is their right, and does not have to affect the Muslim children in the family or their practice of Islam.
4. And as I mentioned in my comments below, if the woman does indeed have sole control and direction over the family, then that is not a healthy, functional family. A marriage is a cooperative in which the husband and wife both have unique functions, and work together at the same time. No single partner should have total control over the family.
5. In fact,. a family in which the man has sole control and direction of the family is also unhealthy. The whole point of the marriage is that it is a partnership. Each partner has a unique role to play. The woman is not just a machine for cleaning and making babies. She has an intellect, a spirit and a heart. Those qualities were given to her by Allah, who intended her to use them.
In Islam each partner has a role to play. In a way you could say that the man is the head, while the woman is the heart. Each is necessary for the family's survival. But the head must consult the heart, and the heart must consult the head. They work together.
And Allah knows best.
If any readers have some additional advice for this questioner, feel free to post your comments below.
"(O Allah), Guide us to the straight path; The path of those whom you have favored; Not those with whom you are angry; Nor those who go astray."
Best regards,
Wael Hesham Abdelgawad, Editor
IslamicAnswers.com. Islamic Marriage and Family Advice
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"In what family does the woman have the sole control and direction of the family? That is not realistic."
I will answer your question. In the family that this muslima is leading and seeking advice for.
Allah also allows "unrealistic" circumstances to exist, and invites his followers to overcome them.
Rejecting her own reality (one with a dominant female guardian), with the justification that in the past you have not encountered these kind of families, is not going to help her very well. You need to accept her premise first before giving advice, unless you are willing to believe that she is lying. In this case, your advice will not be accepted by her in any event.
If you did accept her premise first, you would first realise that when the scriptures do not allow a muslim woman to marry a non-muslim, it is because in normal circumstances this would be detrimental to either the education of the children or the stability of the marriage. But there are also circumstances that are not normal!
By the simple act of seeking advice from you, this muslima has already proven her allegiance to allah and her intelligence to make wise decisions more than the majority of muslim woman that are married to muslims will ever exhibit.
Once the consensus interpretation on the reasons behind the texts do not apply to a specific case, in my opinion it is a muslims duty to apply his own interpretation according to the situation he is confronted with.
She already described that there appear to be few differences in opinion on Allah's messenger, Islam and the prophet Issa between herself and her possible husband. But she also hinted that it will be difficult for the man to convert, so if he does, it will likely be for the wrong reasons.
Even if marriage is then permissible, how did it improve the security of the marriage or the education of the children, if he is not a strong believer?
Allah indeed knows best, and he is guiding a truely believing muslim in all his decisions.
Just as you, Wael, I am no scholar but believe having more than one perspective is helpful when discussing difficult problems. I hope I was able to add value to the discussion.
Assalamualaikum.
Mo is right, Wael. You were quite guilty of 'closing off your mind from new information and experiences', simply because you haven't encountered this particular one before.You could at the very least have asked Diljah to elaborate on what she meant before passing judgement. You may well be able to prove it is unrealistic, but it is the questioner who needs to understand, not you.
In addition, (I add this because there was such a lack of humility in your response when you had been advised and because you are in a position of relative power) you are in no position to decide what is and what is not someone else's reality or to belittle their perpective on things and it is better to keep silent than to argue in your own defense when you have taken little trouble to ponder whether the advice you were given had any basis.
I hope at least Diljah will accept what you were curteous enough to respond to and I hope you'll take on board what Mo has said, in an effort not to push away a whole array of people who are hoping to learn about the Islamic rulings on their own very particular cases. It will be a test of your intentions if you are able.
Wasalam.
Wa alaykum as-salam Khadijah. Thank you for your comment. However, I don't believe I belittled anyone. I stated my viewpoint, and you may notice that several people agreed with me. I just re-read the entire discussion and I stand by my earlier comments. And Allah knows best.
If you have sincerely considered your viewpoint then by all means stick to it if you think it is correct and how the Prophet saw. would have responded. I only argue that your disregard as 'unrealistic' of (one of, not all of) Diljah's concerns was insensitive by normal standards, let alone the much higher standards Islam teaches us. I hope you will realise at some point what was so repellent about your stance.
Thank you for listening.
Wasalaam.
Sorry Mo, I don't agree. I don't need to accept her premise before replying, because I don't believe that her premise reflects reality, including her own reality. Nor do I think she is lying. She did not actually state that she controls the family. She is asking a "What if" And the thing about "what ifs" is that often people are grasping at straws, seeking some loophole that will allow them to follow their own desires rather than what Allah has legislated.
When Allah legislates, He does so for all humanity. One does not say, for example, "It's difficult for me to get married right now, so in my case it's okay to have pre-marital sex." You don't get to create your own exceptions to the laws that Allah has set for us. Flexibility lies not in violating the Shari'ah, but within the Shari'ah itself. Our task is to recognize that Islam itself, as written, has a lot of flexibility built in, and then to find a way to realize our dreams without stepping outside the boundaries.
There is another issue. The sister asks, "If the Muslim woman has the sole control of raising and directing the family?" Well, if that is indeed the case then that is not a healthy, functional family. A marriage is a cooperative in which the husband and wife both have unique functions, and work together at the same time. No single partner should have total control over the family.
You (Mo) suggested that Allah allows "unrealistic circumstances" and that we should "overcome" them. Yes, absolutely, but we overcome them through Allah's guidance, by returning to the principles that He has given us in the Quran, and the teachings of the Messenger (pbuh). If we try to overcome our challenges by departing from what Allah has given us, then we are not practicing Islam, which is submission to Allah's will, and we will inevitably create other more serious problems in the process.
Wael, I agree with you 100% and your responses are very accurate and precise. I couldn't do a better job in responding. I noticed people are jumping the gun and not being careful with what they read. They read between the lines and your read the line with every letter pronounced. Great job and keep it up.
Jazak Allah khayr brother, thanks for your comments.
I will never agree with you Wael. If you say that the family in which one partner has sole control of directing the family, is not a healthy and functional family, why are you so ready to accept man as the sole controller of the family. In this case, practically all muslim families where the man dominates decisions in the house qualify to be labelled as unhealthy and non functional according to rules of Islam. I come from a Muslim family where decisions have always been dominated by the lady of the house because the man was not decisive enough to make difficult decisions. I as a child still have the same values, humility and faith that a muslim is expected to have. So will you call me a non believer? Certainly not!
Hello Shireen, As-salamu alaykum. You should never say never. Because then you are closing off your mind from new information and experiences.
First of all, no one is calling anyone a non-believer. This is not a matter of belief or unbelief. We are just talking about what dynamic is appropriate and healthy in a family. We are all still Muslims Alhamdulillah.
Actually, you may be surprised but the answer is yes, I would say that a family in which the man has sole control and direction of the family is unhealthy. As I said before, the whole point of the marriage is that it is a partnership. Each partner has a unique role to play. The woman is not just a machine for cleaning and making babies. She has an intellect, a spirit and a heart. Those qualities were given to her by Allah, who intended her to use them.
In Islam each partner has a role to play. In a way you could say that the man is the head, while the woman is the heart. Each is necessary for the family's survival. But the head must consult the heart, and the heart must consult the head. They work together.
Of course there will always be families that don't follow this formula exactly. But this is the ideal.
Go to an Imam and ask a Muslim scholar, don't come on this site to get an ultimate answer. But Muslim women are not allowed to marry non-muslim men fullstop.
But talk to an Imam, and don't try to run away from Islamic facts when they come to you, because you'll probably have to pay for it later by running away from them!
What goes up must come down - A description of justice.
Asalam Wa'alaykum. I'm a Muslim girl wanting to marry a man who converted to Islam. Not for me but because he accepts the faith and truly believes in Allah (swt) and prophet Muhammad (pbuh). I pray, fast, and love being muslim. Insh'Allah when I have the funds I would like to go to Hajj and give Zakkat. However, my family objects to me marrying him because they don't think he's Muslim because he wasn't born Muslim. At first they said ok, but when people frowned upon it they started saying no giving the reason stated above. We plan on raising kids muslim. My parents are objecting;however, I believe that their objection is unislamic. For the fact that he is a practicing Muslim. The males in my family including my father spit in my face and many arguments have araised from this. What is your opinion in this matter?
Sister AB, you should log in and write this as a post, rather than commenting on a different question.
Asalamu Alaykum. Sister AB, it sounds like you have a head on your shoulders, Alhamdu Lillah. A Muslim is a Muslim no matter when, where, or how it occurred. Sometimes we as Muslims do many unislamic things in the name of culture (3adat wa takalead), which in a way makes us not true followers. If we choose to do for the name of ways and not Sharia, then what makes us better then this Muslim convert. I believe that Allah (swt) and his prophet (pbuh) did not restrict what kind of Muslim should marry which kind or if a convert is only good for a convert. If we look back at the time of the prophet (pbuh) all his companions were converts and so were his wife's, maybe you should bring these points up to your family. The most important things you should be concerned with are, is he really a true believer who practices or just another non-Muslim who converted to work with loopholes to marry someone they love or whatever. If that is the case then there is issues. We only fool ourselves and no one can fool Allah. You would know the answers to all this within you and if you love this person and feel he is true to Islam and its ways, then try to research and get Fatwa in this matter to help you in convincing your family or even to educate them. I agree with you and your family's actions are not correct or Islamic according to what you disclosed. I know a non-Muslim who converted and is getting married to a Muslima from Saudi Arabia, who would ever think this would happen, but this is Islamic and Sharia allows this to happen. As a matter of fact, her family flew here to the US and meet with this brother. Don't feel bad, many times Muslims don't agree about a good Muslim who practices to the T just because he is from a different Muslim country or even from a different town within the same country. We need to educate ourselves and our elders in the true ways of Islam and Sharia. I ask Allah to enlighten us all with His Knowledge.
Salam alaikum Brother Wael,
It seems some people have gotten overly emotional and forgot the questions were hypothetical.
I dont see anything wrong with your responses and I really appreciate a Muslim brother that believes a marriage is a partnership not a one-sided dictatorship led by either the husband OR wife. If only it could be written or shown somewhere...oh yeah its in the Quran!
2:228 "... ; but, in accordance with justice, the rights of the wives [with regard to their husbands] are equal to the [husbands'] rights with regard to them, although men have precedence over them [in this respect]. [216] And God is almighty, wise.
and "in this respect" the note 216 refers to in the case of divorce:
Note 216 (Quran Ref: 2:228 )
A divorced wife has the right to refuse a resumption of marital relations even if the husband expresses, before the expiry of the waiting-period, his willingness to have the provisional divorce rescinded; but since it is the husband who is responsible for the maintenance of the family, the first option to rescind a provisional divorce rests with him(Quran Ref: 2:228 )
No one is forced to be with anyone that is unfair or treats them unkindly. Down with the dictatorships!!!!!!
salam every one i waana know that if a muslima decides to marry a non muslim what is the marriage called? its invalid ? or its the same as that of illegal sexual relations?........
and would it be subjected to punishments of any kind? please answer me if i am living in a islamic land as well as non islamic
tehreem, you are asking for fatwa or islamic legal ruling, and this is not the right place for that. this is just an advice website. we are not scholars and we don't give legal rulings.
Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim
Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah
Tehreem, a marriage of a Muslim woman to a non-Muslim is invalid from the beginning; it is considered the same as fornication.
As far as punishments from government authorities, this would differ from country to country. Of course, in a country such as Saudi Arabia, they are very strict about the relations between men and women and if found out, the parties would be subject to the hadd punishment, which would involve physical punishment such as whipping, and probably jail time or more. In a country that does not rule according to Islam at all, you may be "free" to do as you wish. None of this changes the fact that this is a haraam act in the sight of Allah. Allah is Most Merciful, but He also is just, and He may choose to punish the parties in this world and / or the next if they do not repent from their actions.
My advice for any woman who is approaching this type of situation is to step back, cut all relations with the non-Muslim man, repent from any forbidden action, and take time to learn about Islam so that she will understand the gravity of such a mistake. This life is short and is a test for the afterlife; the decisions that we make now will follow us all the way to the Day of Judgment. Giving up someone you "love" for the sake of Allah will garner you a great reward with Allah, and He will bless you by forgiving your sin and helping you to stay on the Straight Path.
Fi Aman Allah,
Noorah
jazakAllah guys for the answer...especial thank o noorah
this is alll i wanted to know.!
Ok- here may be the most important part- what about the whole Muslim thing? And this may be the deal maker/breaker right here. I am NOT willing to convert to Islam. Give me a minute and I will explain in more detail. I am willing to make just about every sacrifice for you that you want me to make with the exception of sacrificing my soul, my values, my beliefs. I've done it once before, it's the worst thing a person can do to themselves. All you have is your soul, your values- if you sacrifice these you lose yourself. I am an honest person above all, I care deeply and genuinely for people and do the right things in this life. I remember looking Ilham's parents in the eye and telling them that I am Muslim in my heart, pretending to pray, pretending to have a real connection with Islam. It was wrong, it ate at my soul, and in the end probably only hurt them more. I will not do the same to your parents. I am who I am- I am no more Catholic than I am Muslim or Jewish. I have my values, my principles, my dignity and my honor. I accept all people and their faiths and never judge. I expect the same of others. If you accept me like this, accept the fact that I respect you, your religion but am not going to pretend that I feel the same about it, well than Annie we can take this relationship to the next level. I have no problem respecting your requests such as not drinking alcohol, eating pork, etc. These are merely changes in lifestyle that I would be happy to do for you. And I would respect your choice to practice Islam, to follow your beliefs as long as it makes you happy.
But maybe I am the dreamer here- like you said in your last email. Maybe I am crazy to believe that we could have a relationship like that- where I am non-denominational and you are a devout Muslim. Maybe we are both dreamers. But I don't think so. And the reason is this. In the end, when we all die, none of this matters anyway. All that matters is what we do here while we are living. And as long as God, Allah, Jesus or whomever is looking over us gives me the opportunity to live this life, I'm going to do everything that makes me happy. Remember, I don't follow rules that I don't agree with. Lucky for you otherwise I wouldn't be able to date a Muslim girl
i do not know what to do...
i m lost in my own thinking
i want to be selfish and live in the present and be with him because he makes me happy... but i think about afterlife i think about hell heaven allah and my family...
i know if i force him he will convert to islam maybe not for the right reasons.. but at least that way my marriage will be valid but the i know who excatly am i kidding Allah knwos everything.. he knwos whats in our heart...
why cant this be simple ..
converting to islam... even if she converst my family will never accpet him...
its i can not live with him nor i can not live without him...
Jamila, I'm trying to understand your comments. My impression is that the first comment was made by your boyfriend/fiance, and the second one by you. Is that right?
Since you are not the original questioner, I suggest you log in and submit your question as a draft, rather than try to add a new question in the comments. I'll give you some time to do that, then I'll delete your comments.
Assalamou Alaikoum wa rahmatoullah.
(I would like to apologize mistakes i might have in writing english. English is not my first or second language)
Dear sisters and brothers in islam, i would like to highlight that this question is becoming a big issue in Europe these days. The muslim brothers marries quite often a non-muslim woman and there is an unbalance in how many muslim sister that are not married in Europe (especially France, UK, Belgium and the Netherlands). So many sisters just gave up waiting for a muslim man to show up and ask for their hand! This resulted in Ijtihad from many schoolars. Dr. Hassan Al Turabi also discussed this issue. Please have a look on this article: http://www.le-sri.com/mm_Turabi.htm . Use Google translate if you do not understand french. In this article he discuss the possible marriage of muslim women with non-muslim men as long as they are from Ahl al kitab (people of the book).
There is also not mentioned in the Qur'an that the woman is not allowed to marry a non-muslim man.
The mixte marriage is mentioned in Sourat Al Moumtahanah, Sourat Al Bakara, Sourat Al Ma'ida. Have a look on these souras and read carefully and try to read the Tafsir to get a better understanding.
You can also read what following Shaikhs mentioned about this: Khalid Mohamed, Soeib Bencheikh and Hassan Al Tourabi.
Wa Allahou a'alamou minna jami'an.
Wa'ssalamou alaikoum wa rahmatoullah.