Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Can I marry without my parents’ permission?

Me and my boyfriend have been doing haram, am not a virgin we been doing fornication/adultery/zina. I got to the stage where I was preganat. I know am doing wrong and I want to change and be a better muslim. Am only 16 and my parents know everything me and my boyfriend have done.

When I spoke to my mom I told her I don't wanna do wrong and I don't wanna loose them and I would like to get married - like do an engagement. My mom and dad refused because of the society and what they gonna say and the shame.

My parents say when I am 18 I can marry and never come back. I am struggling because I feel as if I can't speak to no one. I'd not know what to do.

My parents are only thinking about the embarrassment. I researched and it said if I marry my boyfriend without parents it will only be valid if my parents don't have a reason to why they don't let me marry. I would want to ask if this is true.

cutiepie


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14 Responses »

  1. Your post is confusing. It seems like it would be more shameful for you to be unmarried and pregnant than it would be for you to be married and pregnant even at 16. Have they told you to get an abortion? Is it even legal for you to get married in the country you're in at this age? Does your boyfriend want to marry you? How old is he? Where would you live after your marriage?

    It's hard to give you any advice without more information, but honestly given your age I would suggest you stay with your parents and listen to them. May Allah be with you and help you.

  2. Me and my boyfriend have bin dating and we don aallot which iv mentioned above, yes I did have my abortion . when my family found out about me n my bf I thout of telling my family if I cud marry em since dis was not da first time iv don wrong but iv realised how wrong iv don now. I wnat to change.
    my bf parents hate me cuz of an incident DT happend n day don't wna accept me n his mom says namaz is nothing to her n she don't need to read it , she has never told my bf to read and DTS y now iv started to help em learn about namaz n quran since my sista teaches me n am proud he started his jumma namaz I wna continue doing ryt n also helping em but the zina we commuted so many time I wna stop it he also wnates to but he finds it reality hard, when I spoke to my family about marriage they disagreed they go what are people guna say DAT out of everyone you choozed a bungali n dis is wht concerns them more that they will be embarssed, den I spoke to mom n asked if I cud do an engagement n sty home til we are about 18 den I'll move wiv em ounce he gets sumwer to live my family disagreed they go I can marry em wen am 18 if am still wiv em but DT dnt help me from not seeing em so I bin doing sum research about marriage n etc n I know that I need a wali mainly my dad but if my dad don't have a gud reason y he don't want me to marry Is it allowed for me to have a imam as my guardian to do our nikkah so wen me n my bf turn 18 will move in together BTW my bf is 16 n gna turn 17 next month n is happi about marrying me he works etc am tryna get a job my self to , but my question is will it be valid if I chooz an imam to do our nikkah n me n my bf want to repent b4 taking dis decision. We want to do nikkah to save our selves from wrong etc

    • Sister, you are very young and have been through a lot. Since you have already had the abortion, my advice to you would be to stay away from this guy and cut off all contact with him. This haram relationship has gotten you into enough trouble already.

      Let's look at the situation rationally. You are only 16 years old and cannot get married without the permission of your parents. I highly doubt you would find an Imam to perform a nikkah ceremony for you at your age, and even if you did your marriage would not be legal in the UK, which could cause all sorts of problems. Even if you could get married, the boy himself is only 16 and will not be able to support a household. You say his parents dislike you, which means you cannot live with them. So where would you live and how would you survive? Without financial and emotional support from both your parents, you will not be able to go on to university or achieve any of your goals.

      Drop this whole idea of marrying him sister. You are so young and have your whole life ahead of you, repent for your sin and focus on school and your future. You say you cannot stop commiting zina with him, this is a lie the devil is feeding you to keep you in sin. You CAN stop committing zina with him and you must do so by cutting off contact with him completely. No phone calls, no messages, no Facebook chatting, absolutely zero contact with him is a must. This is the only way to extricate yourself from the sin you are in. Do not say that you are helping him become a better Muslim by teaching him prayer, this is a frankly ridiculous assertion given the sin you are committing. Zina is one of the major sins sister! It is absolutely pointless for you to teach him prayer if you are going to engage in this disgusting sin with him! Stop kidding yourself and get out of this terrible situation!

      I know what I'm saying may seem very cruel to you. You may feel that right now he is all you have. Sister, this is totally untrue. You have your parents. They are very angry and disappointed with you right now because you have committed a truly terrible thing, but if you drop this idea of marriage and refocus your life and your priorities, they will move past this and be your loving parents once again. More than that, you have Allah. Turn to Him in this time of need and ask for His guidance and support. Let Him lead you to the right path. Mashallah you know how to pray and know the principles of Islam inshallah, dedicate yourself to your Lord and your religion and start a new leaf. It will be hard but it is doable and it will be better for you in this life and the next inshallah.

      You have my sympathy little sister, you have committed a serious sin but you are very young and you have an opportunity now to change your whole life inshallah. May Allah bless you and guide you to the straight path.

  3. I understand were your cuming from but am sure the prophet had said if you love someone thier is nothing better than getting married. Age is nothing n in islam marriage can be allows at any age . I know I have a life ahead of me but I also have death to you can't always be sure about life Cruz it feels like time is ticking away . people in Gaza, Pakistan etc they didn't know they will die soon they cud have also thout the same about long life ahead. I didn't say I want to move in with him yet. My family did say wen am 18 ( next yr ) I cud marry em wen he gets a house but in dis life its quicker n eiaser to fall in zina instead to avoid it n that's y I wud like to do a nikka wiv them so I know I don't get gunnah n den inshala next yr I'll move in with em afta doing a nikah wiv family agian .. Am sure that's y da prophet tells us to marry younger to save self's from gunnah. Its not something wrong marrying someone I want to do ryt ... I know I have 2opitions either do nikkah wives em n wait til 18 n den move in with em or remove him but I just want to known will it be valid to do a nikkah in masjid for a reason

    • You must ask an Imam in your community if he would be willing to be your wali in this case. However, your father has plenty of valid reasons to refuse this marriage: you are underage. Your boyfriend is underage. He and his family are not practicing. His family does not like you. He cannot support you and has no place to live on his own. Each one of these reasons is valid and the Imam would likely refuse to be your wali in this case, especially since both of you are underage and there could be legal consequences to him drawing up a nikah against the will of your parents.

      Sister, if you think that marriage will somehow erase your sin, you are mistaken. The only thing that can erase your sin of zina is a sincere repentance. Since you are so aware of death, you should be focused on making a sincere repentance, and that requires you to make a true effort to avoid repeating the sin. That means cutting all contact with this boy, since you know that you can't or won't resist the temptation of zina with him. The point is that regardless of whether you marry him or not, you must cut off contact all with this boy as long as he is a non-mehram to you.

      • Make it in a Halal way
        Her father know she had made zina countless times with this guy, and even got pregnant from him. I tink he will be happier when she tell him she want to make things Halal...

        she is not a child she is a young woman, and she is sexually active. The way she make her points show that she is a brainy girl, and she loves this guy. so What is better than getting married to him in a Halal way.

        I would advice her to continue her education while married. its possible and many do it successfully. in fact it is not much different from the time you were bf/gf.. it is just Halal now

        may Allah bless you

  4. I'll still be continuing my education as well

  5. What if me n him both repent our sinz would DT be allot better? Like I said at the above am sure Islam does not have a age group about marrage. My parents will allow me to marry him anyways but they want me to wait n waiting for a year or 2 is to much. My bf is luking for the imam in the mosqe n aske if he could be my wali. When you live in a country were genders are missed it's so hard to keep ur self away n if I do it will probs last a little while. I don't want me or him getting gunnah neither dus he and I just want to do it for the good

    • As long as you convince yourself that you cannot avoid zina with him you will find yourself continuously falling into this sin. You must decide that you will not commit this sin anymore and you will not see him anymore. It's not impossible. I live in a western society and I'm sure you know plenty of Muslim girls who go to mixed schools and mixed workplaces and manage not to commit sins or engage in haram relationships. If you don't then that's half your problem and you need to change your social circle, but I assure you as a Muslim woman living in a western country and a mixed society I know for a fact that you CAN avoid zina and haram if you really want to. Again, regardless of whether you marry him now or later or never, as long as he is your non-mehram you should not see or speak to him at all, particularly since you know you cannot resist temptation with him. You need to decide if you want to repent and change your ways, since death can come at any time as you say, or if you want to keep living in sin, making all kinds of excuses for yourself and blaming you parents and your society and everyone else except the one person truly responsible: yourself.

  6. Yes it is valid to do religious nikah, and when you turn 18 you can make it civil
    MashaaAllah I can see the strong intention in you to live a Halal life , may Allah help you
    However, your parents should know and approve the nikah to be valid
    I think if you reassure them that there will be no pregnancies till you are 18, they will be inclined to agree. Tel them this religious Nikah is just to make the relation a Halal one, until you are ready to make the CIVIL marriage / official marriage after you are 18.... After all nobody will notice anything as the religious nikah can be done in a private session where only both of you and your parents attend.

    it is way better to have a religious nikah by imam than continue in zina with your bf
    you love each other so much, why then help each other commit major sin like that... how if any of you died while in this state. Please repent to Allah sincerely both of you and never allow him to touch you until you are hi lawful halal wife. Guys are weak in controlling their desires but you can help him a lot to be strong.

    May Allah bless you and give strength to be a g

  7. Thankyou all for your help. I wish I could get married but like you said is true about guys its hard to stop sexual stuffs and I want him to become and understand.to be.a good.character . My dad dont trust him and I have stopped seeing him lately, he doee tell me to c em atlest ounce.but I do try to help him not think about it. I.have realized my parents need.to getto knoe him cuz in.my parents eyes he bad.character since dat inccident of being pregnant happend, am trying all.best to move away frim seeing n we.also talk really lless as well. Am gonna wait inshala till am 18 so he could become abit morr matture and that my.dad.can.have.time to.get to knoe.him. Caouse no.father eud want thier getting thier daoughters married to.someone they dont know Am I thinking in the right path??

    • Hello sister, it's nice to hear from you again. I am happy to hear that you are making a sincere effort to keep your distance from this boy and stay away from zina. May Allah give you strength to continue on this path inshallah. I think you are smart to give the matter some time and to maintain the involvement and approval of your parents, who inshallah have your best interests at heart. My advice to you now would be to focus on improving your own character. You still seem overly concerned with his character and his belief, but you need to focus on yourself first and foremost. On the Day of Judgement Allah will not ask you about this boy, He will only ask you about yourself and what you did to improve your own character and strengthen your faith, so make that your primary focus. Good luck and may Allah bless you inshallah.

  8. Thankyou and yeah I have bin thinking about my self latley about what I need to.do cuz der allot ahead coming. I have felt more realved to chnage allot feels realy good and seeing my familey happier dan b4. I do.hope everything settles down n am gonnah think about doing istakkarah. Thankyou again brothers and sisters for your support and advice it helpd allot .

  9. Assalamoalaikum,
    I want to ask you that boy and girl both are muslims but tgheir castes are different.
    Boy is Mallik and Girl is Ansari.
    Is the marriage possible.

    Regards,
    Ambreen

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