Can I require intimacy with my husband as part of our marriage contract?
Assaleikum salaam
I am a young woman who is soon to be married. I intend to move to Oman and live with my husband who is my cousin three times removed. My fiancé is well educated (like me), very religiously committed and I have the highest regard for him and his character, as he has for me. I had planned to work for a few years after my exam, before I got married, but I have changed my mind and I write this post to get some advice on a topic I can hardly ask my father's or mother's advice on.
I have a very intense longing for intimacy. I beg your pardon if I offend, but bluntly put, I have a very strong sex drive. It is not often spoken of women's urges sadly, so there is very little advice to be had. I have fought my drive by making a lot of duaa and by fasting. It has helped some but it is still a very strong urge and I must fight every day not to fall into sinful thoughts. So I asked my parents to find me a suitable husband which they did and I am grateful. By marrying I am hoping to find a halal way to become satisfied so I continue working on fulfilling my deen.
Now to my question. I know that a wife has a right to intimacy once every four months. But that is far from what I know that I need! And I will not want to keep fighting my sex drive when I am married, I will want a healthy outlet for it in halal relations with my husband. But since he is very religious I know that he fasts a lot. I also know that he has told my father that he might one day take a second wife, which I am not completely against. But I will want my marriage to keep me from zina and from sinful thoughts.
Can I add to my marriage contract that the rules regarding a wife's duty to offer her husband intimacy must also be valid for my husband? That he must undertake to satisfy my need for intimacy when I need it, daily if so be it, whenever he is not too ill to be able to be intimate with me? Even if he is "baking bread or riding a camel" so to speak? Would that be all right?
Asking for intimacy is halal in marriage so am I right to have a clause in the contract that says he must satisfy my urges to the same degree that I as a wife must satisfy his? Would such a clause be acceptable? Thank you very much in advance for any advice.
Mishmish3
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Asalaam alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu,
I am a bit concerned about the part where you wrote, "That you are also aware that he has told your father he might take a second wife! to which you are not completely against it. "
I think you need to give it proper thought. As to why already is your fiance saying he wishes to take on a second wife? Not to mention, when you are going to get married to him. Would you be at all comfortable sharing him with another woman? This is something you seriously need to consider, and think deep about all concerning aspects in this regard. And as to how it might affect you. This to some may prove to be a deal breaker. There is a great psychological aspect to this, which i think you are ignoring.
You should talk to your fiance and ask him, what are things he wants in a good and healthy marriage. And if you are able to fulfill all of those points. Would he still go and seek another wife?
And you should seriously ask yourself this question, would you be comfortable sharing your future husband with his second wife? Would you be comfortable, being alone. While he is spending the time with his second wife. How would that scenario work out.
I think this point needs more attention.
Another thing, I just wanted to share with you. Often we have high expectations from others, be it your future husband. And often it happens that it is not the intention of the person to let you down. but you end up being disappointed and hurt.
We often want others to love us, or show us love in the way we imagine it in our mind.
And just because someone does'nt love you "Exactly" the way you want them to. That does'nt mean that they don't love or don't care for you at all. It just means, that they have their own way of showing love and caring for that person. And it's not completely the way you would expect or want it to be. I hope you understand what i am trying to tell you.
If you are on talking terms with your fiance, and regarding matters of your marriage. I think you should talk to him about it. Approach the topic in a delicate manner. That he neither takes it too lightly or too seriously. approach him in a friendly manner and talk to him. I think, he would share the same enthusiasm as yours. (In regards to the question you asked)
I think the best approach is to just talk to him. you need to understand good communication plays a critical role in relationships. A lack of good communication can tear a relationship apart. and good communication can save relationships.
I think other wiser sisters and brothers with greater knowledge on this site, would be better able to help you out.
Hi. I think what has been written by Khwab is very important. The fact that you are so open to being one of his wives. Maybe you need to really think on this because it may well be that at this moment, you find it to be okay but when it comes to living it out, it may be the opposite.
Mishmish, I think this is one of those things you will have to wait and see (intimacy concern). I doubt you could have this in a contract, even if you do, what is the point of forcing someone into intimacy when one doesn't feel like? To be honest, Im sure there will be a million other things to focus on after marriage than intimacy.
I don't think talking to him is very permissible in Islam, seeing he is still non mehram to you. Hence you will have to wait and see.
Allah knows best.
AAZA
SubhanaAllah, cannot believe you just said that to her sisters.
What is wrong with her being ok to share her husband with another muslim sister. This sister is pure and not affected by this modern age rhetorics that demonize the idea of polygony. What is wrong with our sisters, you telling her this can be a deal breaker, what are you doing for God sake. Please leave her alone and address the question she came here to write about.
Advises like this are the reason we have so many problem in this society. If you do not accept yourself good for you, but to advice against it, i find that unacceptable. POLYGONY is the solution for soooo many SISTERS. Men will not die if they didn't marry more than one, in fact less headache, and less responsibilities. Please refrain from injecting this poisonous advises in the society. Care for protecting your fellow sisters from falling into Haram, and stop being selfish., and if you really cannot share your husband, do not advice others against it.
Sister, you are an honest good muslim woman. Yes you have the right to have intimacy with your husband whenever you need it and he is capable of giving it. You do not need to put this in the contract, men dream of women like you to tell you the truth.
I will give you few hints, first (the charging stage) ... make him good food when he come back from work, more of the proteins and red meat. Then allow him to have good sleep for him to relax, make this a daily routine.
Second ( signals for Automatic intemacy time:)
Whenever you are in the mood, make visible signs by dressing a bit provocatively, and dimming the bedroom, use a perfume he likes. Do not use that special perfume any other day, only when you want him, this way you will be programming his subconscious for instant surge of desire for you whenever he smells than on you. If needed offer to give him a relaxing massage, and that night is 200% yours.
Lastly, do not be intimidated by fasting , it actually helps men alot in intemacy, contrary to what people think.
It worth mentioning that you both of you will inshaaAllah get tremendous reward for taking good care of each others need.
May Allah bless you both and give happiness
Sister ,
In Nikah , By default it is expected that husband should satisfy wife's physical needs and vice versa . It all will depend how much compatible and open you both are after marriage to discuss these openly and get satisfaction .
Some time people get married just thinking that it will help them in getting sexual satisfaction and will help them control their urges but after marriage there can be big disappointment due to several factors .
There are people who are sexually unsatisfied despite getting married so It is very complicated . Be carefull before jumping in to the marriage if you just think only about sexual part .Time being you fast to control your sexual urge .
I think you should nt marry right now take time to think as you are now on high drive phase, it vanishes in a moment, afterwards you will regret for such hasten,
about 2nd marriage, he can have 3rd wife as well but its 100 percent that no woman bears sharing her husband with anyone ,the same for male ones if islam would have permitted us to keep husbands at a time,
so please try to discuss with your husband abt second wife,
if he really want to have two wives or if he is saying that in such conditions he may get married
* not feeling satisfied from you
* not that happie from you but doesn't want to leave you
* not having baby after years
* having daughters and want to have son so he thinks another woman can give her
Assalam alaikum,
It is hard to find someone in marriage with whom you feel compatible with and even two compatible people have to work hard at marriage. Sometimes everything in a marriage can be working smoothly, and other times it can seem like the worse thing if you are riding a particularly difficult curve. Everyone’s experience varies. So, first, it is good to hear that you and him have a high regard for each other and have an attraction.
As for your intimacy requirements, it is true that there isn’t much advice regarding women’s intimacy and the varying urges that women can experience. You are not alone in how you feel, but I will tell you that how you feel right now is a result of your hormones. If those change and they will especially after being intimate in your marriage, after having children, after all the things that you are not experiencing right now. By making a decision based on how you feel now without factoring in the experience of the future could leave you feeling regretful.
There will be times when you may not feel like being intimate or your husband may feel like that. Intimacy is something that is fostered and though it can be demanded based on rights alone, its quality is lessened a great deal. One has to be reasonable in considering what is proper and be loving in the way of a “demand.” There is no simple equation for this—but what is simple is understanding that conditions change, hormones change, feelings change; therefore, try not to make decisions based on what isn’t solid ground.
As for your statement for intimacy every four months—I do not know where you got that from or what context it was written in, but that is hardly proper for any woman, regardless of a high sex drive.
As for putting a particular clause in your Nikaah agreement, I don’t know if you can or if you need to. Speak to an Imam about this. I will say that I don’t know if it is necessary as it is already your right—putting this clause in there is sort of like putting a clause in for requiring your husband to be responsible for feeding and clothing you—things that you already have the right to. However, if he ever experienced a rough time in his life financially and couldn’t uphold the same level of financial support for you, I am sure that you would understand. So, putting a blanket clause/statement in there does not address all the challenges that both you and him will experience. And if one has to write down everything in the agreement, only later to use it as a “weapon,” that may be telling of more problems in the marriage. In a successful marriage, there are always problems—just the two become better and better at solving them constructively. There is no marriage that is flawless.
Finally, you have mentioned that your husband may take a 2nd wife. It is good to know that he told your father and didn’t spring this on you later after marriage. It gives you a chance to think about this. I would suggest that you think about this more and read about women who have both struggled in a polygamous marriage as well as thrived so that you can have a balanced view. It seems that you are a bit rushed and perhaps have some clouded judgement regarding marriage—especially because of your very high expectations in terms of intimacy—so I think you need to take some time to solidify your decision. You may not change your mind, but you may benefit on weighing the outcomes of your marriage and then proceed with your eyes wide open.
May Allah swt ease your difficulties and bring peace and tranquility into your life both now and after marriage, Ameen.
As-salamu Alaykum,
I think it is definitely not reasonable to include such a clause. Intimacy cannot be forced on anyone, and if one day your husband doesn't feel like being intimate, it's not going to help matters if you start waving a contract in his face. That would be very disturbing to most people, male or female. Being married means learning to respect the other person even when you can't have everything you want. And to be frank, it's still too early for you to know how you yourself will feel about intimacy with your husband. There may be times when you yourself need some space for whatever reason. Regarding the four months thing, I believe this has to do with men who travel and have to be away from their wives for any reason. There are limits for that. In the end, though, the focus should be on trying to foster intimacy so that it comes naturally and sincerely. If you try to control this aspect of your relationship with rigid rules and regulations, you will likely face disappointment.
You have gotten some very good advice from everyone here, I just want to echo what others have said and say please don't get married just because you want an outlet for your physical desires. Look at your connection with this man holistically and examine what you want from life, keeping that aspect aside. Does your marriage to this man help your life goals or hinder them? Marriage is not all kissing and hugging and intimacy, it's a lifetime of compromise and compassion.
Also, I would point out that if you cannot speak to your own parents about your desires for intimacy, I cannot imagine how you will bring it up to your imam, who will set up the contract, or to your future husband, who will presumably read it while he is still a non-mahram to you.
SalamAlikum,
OP:" I know that a wife has a right to intimacy once every four months."
Where do you get this information from? There is nothing said and done in either Islam and in the "general practice". Even though your husband fast a lot, after sunset, you may have intimacy with him.
Question: Based on what circumstance that your cousin will want to take on second wife? Is it a cultural? A status quo in the society? Out of compassion for widows? Can you ask him to elaborate.
There are lots of good articles talking about muslim marriage, please try to read them via google search. One thing I want to point out is most of the "religious" muslim regards marriage as a sole purpose for outlet of sexual desire, avoiding zina and having a halah sex. Yes, they are right but it is only a tiny bit of the whole package. There are lots to consider except the "sex" part in marriage. I will tell you that you can have sex day and night after marriage for the first 3 months or first year, after then, you need to face a man, a human being who have character, temper, habit, values, interests, aspiration that you may not even compatible with or half agree with. Not to mention that your sex drive will drops as children's born, stress, or career influence. To conclude, don't take "SEX DRIVE" as a whole part to determine this marriage. Sadly, it is not uncommon to see this situation in the muslim community. They married, they have sex, they have children, and then they are living in two different life style.
In regard of writing in the marriage contract, I don't think it is necessary as it is understandable that couple will have sex. As long as a man is physically healthy and young, his sexual drive should be a good match for you. You may also learn to enhance you sexual life by initiate it in many "creative way." Seriously, it is not a worry and no need to put in the contract.
In short, I request you to rethink about what is marriage for you, what character and quality are you expecting from choosing a partner. And what can you offer? The last question: are you really alright with the idea of taking on second wife? I guess you may be raised up in a muslim environment that you accept this concepts unconditionally. Go browse this subject in this website and in the internet, you may have a more comprehensive view about it.
I am very grateful for all advice. I was surprised to see my question now since it has been many months since I submitted it. I talked to a sheik about my thoughts and also with my mother who then talked to my father. I know it can be very difficult to share a husband, and I know I can't really imagine what it's like until it happens and I have an emotional, intimate tie to my husband. Insh'Allah, I will have the strength to cope. I think since I have demanded the right to work as part of my contract, and I will have to work odd hours, maybe it is reasonable for my husband to plan for polygamy, and it is a halal lifestyle. It will give me an amount of personal freedom that agrees with my nature. I have a clause giving me the right to talaq if I find I can't live in a polygamous marriage. And yes, I had the clause added that says my husband must fulfill my sexual needs to the same degree that I must fulfill his, that is daily if so required and there is no real excuse like illness. This means of course that he must let any woman he might intend to marry know that he is under the obligation to visit me every night and every day or whenever should I wish, to be intimate and any woman he might wish to marry must agree to this or not marry him. My husband agreed to this and found it in agreement with sunnah since the Prophet used to visit all his wives in a night. It also means that we are both equally obligated to ask the other's permission for voluntary fasts. We married over a month ago and I believe actually that my openness and clarity on the subject has added to our intimate life as husband and wife.
Dear Mishmish,
Congratulations on your marriage. Although I find the whole scenario a bit odd, I am happy that you reached an understanding and that your husband is on board. If it works for you, then it doesn't matter how others may perceive the issue.
One thing I would like to point out for the sake of others who may be reading is that one should definitely have mercy with a spouse in the event of illness and other circumstances that affect us psychologically or physically. Recently there was a woman who posted on this website regarding her own high sex drive, and it seemed that she was quite harsh/impatient regarding her husband who was either chronically tired or ill (I do not remember the exact circumstances, but it seemed that he had a valid situation). These things happen in life, and we cannot simply discard a spouse or threaten or pressure a spouse in order to fulfill our own desires come Hell or highwater. With all due respect to you as I believe you are sincere, it is usually better not to be so rigid. Some people see marriage as a set of rules and rights that must be fulfilled and forget to have mercy. But mercy is what will sustain you through difficult times.
Agreed, mashaAllah.
Agreed with you fully .Marriage is not that simple like a traffic signal rule books .Both need to have a patience and mercy on each other .
OP: He is under obligation to visit me every night and every day or whenever should I wish, to be intimate and any woman he might wish to marry must agree to this or not marry him.
If your husband takes a second wife then you have to let him have equal sex time with his second wife.
Is there a time requirement that your husband has to do it for like at least 15 minutes or you allow him to finish it in 2 minutes?
If your husband has a job, do you expect him to come home if you wish to have sex with him at any time.
If I understand it correctly, any wife has a right to give up time and give it to her co-wife. Even a wife of the Prophet did this, gave up time for Aishah. So as I understand it, the OP says a subsequent wife must agree to give up time should the OP ask for her husband's presence for intimacy. Or did I misunderstand?
AsSalaamu 'alaikum sister Sahaddita,
Yes, you are right. Any wife can give her time to her co-wife--but this is allowed only if the two wives willingly, or by mutual consent, agreed on doing so without any compulsion from either of them. If there was no mutual consent between the two wives, then each one of them is entitled to equal right. And even if there was such a mutual consent between them, the agreement can be annulled when necessary, and the right can also be taken back by the one who offered her time if she desires so or changes her mind later.
If a wife mentioned in her marriage contract that her co-wife ''must'' agree to give her time to her, that condition is automatically invalid and won't count at all. In this case, if the husband is acting upon such a condition, then without doubt, they are both committing zina--this is according to the principles of sharia pertaining to what is valid and invalid in conditions of contracts.
The prophet (sallallahu 'alaihi wasallam) said,
Hope this helps inshaAllah, and Allah Ta'ala knows best.
Assalam alaikum Br. Issah,
I don't know if I read that wrong, but how can intimacy between a husband and wife be termed as zina? I can understand calling it injustice, but zina seems extreme. Please elaborate.
But the contract simply states that the wife has a right to intimacy whenever she wishes and there is no illness to prevent husband from intimacy. That "even if he is baking bread or riding a camel" applies to him also, not only to her. Do you really mean to say that this clause makes intimacy zina?
Wa 'alaikum as-salaam warahmatullahi wabarakaatuh sister Saba,
The basic principle is that, it's unlawful (haram) for the husband to even enter the room of a wife in a night belonging to her co-wife, let alone to touch her, except during a necessary situation.
Actually, using the term ''zina'' was to draw attention near how serious the matter could be in the sight of Allah, however, the matter is even greater than the term ''zina'', because it involves taking away the right of a co-wife unjustly, and coming near another wife during a time that belongs to her co-wife, which is unlawful for them. In reality, the correct term for consuming rights of others, is ''consuming fire'' which will become visible on the day of Judgment. This is according to the ayats and ahadiths pertaining to consuming rights of others.
Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says:
The Prophet (sallallahu 'alaihi wasallam) said:
@Sister Sahaddita,
Everything I have said is related to only the rights of any subsequent wife or co-wife. Whatever condition made by a wife, automatically excludes the rights of any subsequent wife or co-wife. If she doesn't want a co-wife, then she should simply state that.
Hope this helps clarify my points inshaAllah, and Allah Ta'ala knows best.
Issah's last point is exactly the crux of the issue in my view. She has gone to great lengths to make polygamy extremely difficult and impractical for her husband when the correct and mature thing to do is to say "I don't want a polygamous marriage." It's similar to a previous post where the husband had promised his second wife that he would not bring his first wife to live with him in his country of residence but realized his mistake and changed his mind later. We all told him that he shouldn't have made such a promise to his second wife in the first place, and that it was invalid because it infringed on the rights of the first wife. If her husband is really determined to take a second wife, this sister could easily find herself in the same situation.
In short, I and others advised the sister to think long and hard about whether she really wants to be in a polygamous marriage. This is not the kind of thing one should be ambivalent about. If she is afraid to say no to polygamous marriage because she doesn't want to lose the proposal because she so desperately wants to get married and be intimate with someone, then frankly we have to question her whole decision-making process. In any case what's done is done. We can only wish her good luck and may Allah bless her marriage.
Jazak Allah, Br. Issah.
MashaaAllah, i like how you tell these sisters that polygony is a HALAL style. simple and clear.
I was very upset to read so many sisters talking negatively and advising against it. As if it is something Haram, Subhanallah, i will never understand these sisters. Really brainwashed to thinking bad of such pure lifestyle which is the solution for so many sisters in many societies. Bravo sister, we want to see more sisters of your kind, please tell them to learn to accept what is halal, or at least not to advice against it. Enough said really
mashaaAllah may Allah bless you and give you happiness
Salaams
I must say I found this post refreshing and I wish you every happiness in marriage Mishmish3. I admit I wonder at some of the advice. How come it is necessary to warn a woman about claiming rights to intimacy on a need/desire basis while nobody lifts a warning finger when men claim the right to intimacy as part of their rights? Mishmish3 has clearly said that if her husband is ill or has another valid reason this of course must be respected just like her husband must respect when she has a valid reason to refuse. What Mishmish's clause says is that it is not a valid reason to disregard her needs that the husband is off taking care of another woman's needs. Or any other non-valid reason as per the contract. Why are you warning her that this might be hurtful while men who point to the ahadith saying a woman must comply even if she is baking bread or riding a camel are not warned? Hm - some countries even have laws saying a wife must be intimate at the husband's command, even not recognizing marital rape because the man's right to intimacy is part of marriage. So why warn this woman who has had a halal clause about right to intimacy added to her contract? Just asking.
The problem is not that she wants to assert her marital rights, the problem is that 1) she wants to do that by inserting a specific clause in her wedding contract, which is very unorthodox; even men who are very assertive over their rights to intimacy don't include it in the wedding contract because it is implied and therefore unnecessary. 2) she seems overly concerned about this issue, possible because of the possibility of polygamy. If polygamy is going to be a problem because of her level of desire, she should just say that outright. Also, all young, single, healthy people have a strong desire for intimacy, but this cannot be the driving force behind their decision to get married. We only know this young woman from what she's written so I don't want to jump to conclusions about her, but given what she's written in her post and about polygamy, it seems like she may be rushing into marriage with this man without considering whether they are truly compatible all because of her desire for intimacy. Again, I don't want to make unwarranted assumptions, but particularly with her post about polygamy, it seems like she wants to make it as difficult as possible without actually openly saying she doesn't want to be in a polygamous marriage. But her husband is seriously thinking about it. This is a problem, and it seems like she's ignoring it so she can get married and meet her desires.
I think it's appropriate sometimes for responders on this forum to point out other issues and concerns to those seeking advice, even if they didn't ask about those issues specifically.
Yes, men don't have to add a clause about intimacy because there is agreement that women must agree, when they don't have a lawful excuse. There is no hadith or fatwa saying a woman has a right to intimacy whenever she wishes. On the contrary, there are fatwas saying she has a right every 6 or four months. There are also fatwas saying she must agree to share her husband with three other women should he choose. So a man doesn't need an intimacy-clause. There are however apparent reasons why a woman would need one. Strange we've never heard of prior examples.
The right to intimacy for both spouses is part of Islamic teachings. Because we live in a world where most Islamic scholars are men and there is a wide perception that women are not as interested in sex as men, there is emphasis on the men's right to intimacy. However, women have an equal right to intimacy in Islam. Fatwas that reference four to six months are referring to situations where the husband is away and originate from the practice of Omar Al Khattab when he was the Caliph and some men where away at war. Fatwas that say that women have an obligation to agree to polygamy can, in my opinion, be disregarded, as the Quran and Hadith do not do this. In fact, the Quran makes it clear that polygamy is a burden on the man and something that he should approach with extreme caution and hesitation. Fatwas and Hadith are not the same thing, and just because a scholar says something doesn't mean it's always true or right. There are many scholars who have strongly advised against polygamy particularly in countries where it is already illegal, and many scholars support women who want to include clauses against polygamy in their marriage contracts.
taken from http://en.islamtoday.net/artshow-403-3384.htm
Yes, it is very understandable and agreeable, the wife has the right to be satisfied in marriage.
Man should , and I mean SHOULD satisfy his wife's needs as he like his needs be satisfied. But the way to go about it is not assertion, its communication and learning to be selfless in giving to the marriage. its not just my rights and her rights.. its OUR rights both of us the husband and the wife to be fully happy and satisfied.. not to be in need to apologize for having those natural needs, or begging to having them satisfied
Its a way to get a lot of rewards for those who know, and besides the rewards they get in Akhrah, they also get another rewards here too, a very strong bond and happier marriage. That is a proven fact now brothers and sisters, be intimate as much as you can you will be much happier husband and wife
Thank you sister Mishmish3 for your bravery and honesty, and also to sister Sahaddita for supporting her .. we wish too see more sisters like in the community. may Allah bless you both and all those who strive to live in an islamic mannar
In Islam, the wife has equal rights to intimacy as the husband does. Part of the verse from the Quran [2:228] says: "And due to the wives is similar to what is expected of them, according to what is reasonable. But the men have a degree over them [in responsibility and authority]. And Allah is Exalted in Might and Wise."
If it is cruel for a husband to demand intimacy or command it as per his rights (& please no one take this comment out of context), without taking anything else into consideration or going about it without care and consideration, why should we recommend that a woman write that in a contract? I think the point was that intimacy was to be fostered--but that is in every marriage--there need not be a special clause in there.
I don't think anyone was discouraging her from exercising her rights including myself. When I wrote what I did, I felt that what she was writing in the contract was already her right--it's any married woman's right. And in the wake of a dispute, reading out the clause in the agreement when being rejected intimacy, might not solve the problem anyways--and as I wrote above, it seems it may just be used as a weapon.
Now, having said that, the sister reports that she has included it in her agreement - but it also seems she wants to work (and has to at odd hours) and that her husband may practice polygamy--so in this respect, it may be that this was the best for her and her husband. I would not argue with what seems to be working for this couple and if this clause supported her in her marriage, than that is great!
To the OP:
May Allah swt shower your marriage with endless blessings, Ameen.
BTW, who did you speak to in order to include these details in your Nikaah agreement?
salam,
i have a huge sex drive as well (which i never even realized before i read some things, but i never ever thought of doing zina in my mind even though i have lived in UK all alone for many years now
lady you have some control issues you need to sort out with