I can’t let go of my past mistakes
I feel like I'm being punished by Allah because of all my sins. I'm almost 30 yrs old, not married and have no life. When I was 7 yrs old I was sexually abused several times by a family friend. I've never told anyone about this. My childhood life at home was happy and unhappy as well. We weren't very rich, somedays we didn't have money for food and my parents were always sick as I was growing up. I had a lot of mental pressure on me. I was always scared that my parents would die due to their illness.
As I got older...around age 21 I met a boy. Before that no boy ever gave me attention. But any how I formed a relationship with him. I felt like I had finally found someone to share my life and pain with. I was with him for several years. My mother forbid me to see him because his family background is kind of confusing. His father had more then 1 wife...so my family had a problem with that, but I continued to see him behind her back.... I never wanted to have a physical relationship with him but he always wanted to and kept pressuring and one day I just gave in.
After that it was just normal but I would always feel guilty and ashamed of commiting such a sin. Things were very bad for me in the house because of him. I always fought with my family because of him. Then he had to move out of state due to a job. And he would come and visit me. Then one day I found out I was pregnant. I didn't know what to do. Then I had an abortion...I couldn't tell my family because my father passed away several months before and now if I told my family I was almost two months pregnant..my Mom would die too. He was in another state and here I was...couldn't tell anyone, couldn't live nor die. So after that 1 year passed by and I was almost mentally crazy thinking that I was always a good kid. I've been doing salat 5 times a day since I was 11...never looked up at a man till I was 21 or touched a man til 21. And now I've become my own worst enemy.
I couldn't forget the fact that I had killed a life and I cried 24-7. I was torn between him and my family. After all these years my family still didn't agree to our relationship. So I ended things with him. After our break up we still kept in touch off and on. But he knew I loved him more then anything and was still wanting and waiting to be with him. I asked him several times if he's seeing anyone..he said no. He even came to see me and I ended up being physical with him again. As time passed by, my family couldn't make me marry anyone else. Then my condition got worse. So one day my mom said OK go marry him, I was soooo happy. I called him and a girl answered. I felt like I was going to die. I asked him who is it? He said he just works with her and it's nothing. So I told him that we can be together now. And he said no! And hung up. For 2 days I cried and text him and called him. But he didn't reply. After 3 days at 2am he send me text saying he's moved on and that he's with someone and he hates my family. And that it's my family's fault. Then I went insane. I attempted suicide with pills but I didn't die. Even after that I told him come back, once he says no, then he says 'I need time' , then says that girl is just a friend..and he kept confusing me.
I still wanted him back. Because I gave him 7 yrs of my life. And he is the father of my baby. The baby that I still cry for til this day. I've gone mentally insane because sometimes I can see a baby running to me, calling me Mommy. One of my friends told me about this man who gives Taweez..I was sooo desperate that I went to him and got stuff. The man told me he still loves me and will come back. That's how low and stupid I became. I once again went against Islam.
Then one day he sends me a text saying how am I and this and that...and other things like he still wants me but he's mad at my family, and that made me hate my family more. But I thought that man was that he still loves me and wants to come back. So one day I called him and again the same girl picked up. This time I knew he was lying to me and that she was his new girlfriend. But not once ever did he mention her. He kept lying to me. I told her give him the phone but he didn't want to talk. That night I cried and cried and wanted to die. So the next morning his new girlfriend calls me. She said he always lies about me, and this and that. And that they been dating over 3 years. That's when I realized he was cheating on me all those years. Then she on the other hand lied to him and said I called her, and said bad things about him. But I didn't even have her number but he believed her and not me.
Like an idiot I told him please come back I don't care what you did...you're the father of my baby, I wasted 7 yrs of my life for you. I told him I would live as a maid in his house but I still wanted to be with him. But he said NO!! With no remorse and no apology. I almost went to the wrong path, I started drinking and smoking and had physical relationship with another man because he made me go mentally crazy. But I stopped everything now and there's more to the story but its toooo long. But I have left everything to Allah. I ask Allah to forgive me for what I have done in my life. I went from being an angel to a devil because of this man...may Allah have mercy on him.
Now I have decided to marry and move on with my life. But til this day I am yet to be married. I am not bad looking. But non of my proposals seem to go forward. They all reject me before even meeting me. Everything that has happened in my life no one knows about any of this. I feel like Allah is punishing me by not getting me married. I don't what to do. I want another chance in life. I want to be married and have the baby I lost. But there are no good prospects for me. When I was with him I had many but now that I want to marry I see no hope. Please pray for me......I am in a very bad situation now.
Sometimes I think I might die that's why I'm not getting married or maybe Allah is punishing me because of my sins.
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