Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I can’t let go of my past mistakes

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I feel like I'm being punished by Allah because of all my sins. I'm almost 30 yrs old, not married and have no life. When I was 7 yrs old I was sexually abused several times by a family friend. I've never told anyone about this. My childhood life at home was happy and unhappy as well. We weren't very rich, somedays we didn't have money for food and my parents were always sick as I was growing up. I had a lot of mental pressure on me. I was always scared that my parents would die due to their illness.

As I got older...around age 21 I met a boy. Before that no boy ever gave me attention. But any how I formed a relationship with him. I felt like I had finally found someone to share my life and pain with. I was with him for several years. My mother forbid me to see him because his family background is kind of confusing. His father had more then 1 wife...so my family had a problem with that, but I continued to see him behind her back.... I never wanted to have a physical relationship with him but he always wanted to and kept pressuring and one day I just gave in.

After that it was just normal but I would always feel guilty and ashamed of commiting such a sin. Things were very bad for me in the house because of him. I always fought with my family because of him. Then he had to move out of state due to a job. And he would come and visit me. Then one day I found out I was pregnant. I didn't know what to do. Then I had an abortion...I couldn't tell my family because my father passed away several months before and now if I told my family I was almost two months pregnant..my Mom would die too. He was in another state and here I was...couldn't tell anyone, couldn't live nor die. So after that 1 year passed by and I was almost mentally crazy thinking that I was always a good kid. I've been doing salat 5 times a day since I was 11...never looked up at a man till I was 21 or touched a man til 21. And now I've become my own worst enemy.

I couldn't forget the fact that I had killed a life and I cried 24-7. I was torn between him and my family. After all these years my family still didn't agree to our relationship. So I ended things with him. After our break up we still kept in touch off and on. But he knew I loved him more then anything and was still wanting and waiting to be with him. I asked him several times if he's seeing anyone..he said no. He even came to see me and I ended up being physical with him again. As time passed by, my family couldn't make me marry anyone else. Then my condition got worse. So one day my mom said OK go marry him, I was soooo happy. I called him and a girl answered. I felt like I was going to die. I asked him who is it? He said he just works with her and it's nothing. So I told him that we can be together now. And he said no! And hung up. For 2 days I cried and text him and called him. But he didn't reply. After 3 days at 2am he send me text saying he's moved on and that he's with someone and he hates my family. And that it's my family's fault. Then I went insane. I attempted suicide with pills but I didn't die. Even after that I told him come back, once he says no, then he says 'I need time' , then says that girl is just a friend..and he kept confusing me.

I still wanted him back. Because I gave him 7 yrs of my life. And he is the father of my baby. The baby that I still cry for til this day. I've gone mentally insane because sometimes I can see a baby running to me, calling me Mommy. One of my friends told me about this man who gives Taweez..I was sooo desperate that I went to him and got stuff. The man told me he still loves me and will come back. That's how low and stupid I became. I once again went against Islam.

Then one day he sends me a text saying how am I and this and that...and other things like he still wants me but he's mad at my family, and that made me hate my family more. But I thought that man was that he still loves me and wants to come back. So one day I called him and again the same girl picked up. This time I knew he was lying to me and that she was his new girlfriend. But not once ever did he mention her. He kept lying to me. I told her give him the phone but he didn't want to talk. That night I cried and cried and wanted to die. So the next morning his new girlfriend calls me. She said he always lies about me, and this and that. And that they been dating over 3 years. That's when I realized he was cheating on me all those years. Then she on the other hand lied to him and said I called her, and said bad things about him. But I didn't even have her number but he believed her and not me.

Like an idiot I told him please come back I don't care what you did...you're the father of my baby, I wasted 7 yrs of my life for you. I told him I would live as a maid in his house but I still wanted to be with him. But he said NO!! With no remorse and no apology. I almost went to the wrong path, I started drinking and smoking and had physical relationship with another man because he made me go mentally crazy. But I stopped everything now and there's more to the story but its toooo long. But I have left everything to Allah. I ask Allah to forgive me for what I have done in my life. I went from being an angel to a devil because of this man...may Allah have mercy on him.

Now I have decided to marry and move on with my life. But til this day I am yet to be married. I am not bad looking. But non of my proposals seem to go forward. They all reject me before even meeting me. Everything that has happened in my life no one knows about any of this.  I feel like Allah is punishing me by not getting me married. I don't what to do. I want another chance in life. I want to be married and have the baby I lost. But there are no good prospects for me. When I was with him I had many but now that I  want to marry I see no hope. Please pray for me......I am in a very bad situation now.

Sometimes I think I might die that's why I'm not getting married or maybe Allah is punishing me because  of my sins.

- LifeOfMisery


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34 Responses »

  1. Salaams,

    I don't think any of us can speak as to what extent, if any, what you are going through is a direct punishment from Allah. However, it is clear that you are punishing yourself. True, there are maybe some regretful events in your past, events that you may have to continue coming to terms with for some time to come. However, there is no past from which we are prevented from turning away from, and walking the correct path going forward, as long as we are living to do so.

    It's true that there are a lot of things you've experienced that you can focus on. I think you've already seen that focusing on dunya cares (such as this man, your relationship with him in the past, what you had hoped to have with him, or even what you hope to find in a marriage to anyone in the future) are an empty chase that leaves us feeling "crazy". What is most important now is not thinking about all the things that have happened, but your future as one who has rededicated their life in submission to the Creator Most High.

    Even if you are being punished by Allah, it is for a reason. In his wisdom He may be cleansing you from the things you've been through and preparing you for something better. If this is the case (and only Allah knows best), then the fact that you've not found any marriage possibilties would be a good thing for you, Alhamdulillah. There is a beautiful quote by Rumi that brings comfort during times like this:

    "This world is full of remedies. But you have no remedy until Allah opens a window for you. You may not be aware of that remedy just now. In the hour of need it will be made clear to you. The Prophet (saws) said Allah made a remedy for every pain."

    Another thing that the Prophet (saws) said similar to "what has hit you was never meant to miss, and what has missed you was never meant to hit". Meaning, that whatever has happened in your life, and whatever will be after this, is perfectly in line with Allah's divine decree for your life.

    Take comfort sister in the fact that, no matter what you've done, you have done nothing which can't be forgiven. Continue to focus on your future, on loving Allah, on serving Him as He created you to, and be assured that He runs to those of us who crawl to Him. Time does bring healing to many things.

    I would humbly suggest that for the issue of the abortion you had, maybe it would help to hold a janaza for the child. Give it a name, and offer a janaza prayer for it, and say goodbye to it in a proper way. Trust that despite what happened, any life that you took is now resting in jannah. Maybe it would help you to make salawats/dua for them where they are now. InshaAllah you will find comfort and peace with your past through these means.

    Sometimes even when we do the best we can, we still struggle. And in those times it's best to seek out as much support as we can from other sisters, even a counselor if we need to. If nothing else, try to seek refuge with Allah, learn His attributes, meditate on them if facing a certain difficulty. He is, after all, closer than our jugular vein.

    • Assalam 3aleykoum Amy,

      Sister, I loved reading your replies. Very positive and inspiring. I would love your input/feedback on my post InshaAllah. The heading is "Never dated in fear of sinning but failed once". JazakaAllah.

      • Salaams,

        I was not able to find your post with that heading. If you can send the actual link to it, I would be glad to look it over.

        -Amy
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. First and foremost may the peace and blessings of our Lord above us be upon you. May Allah bless the Holy Prophet PBUH as he bless the prophet Ibrahim. May Allah guide us to the righteous path and not of those who have strayed.

    1. You bring your own luck and fortune. You're looking for someone to blame, to find some excuse in all this shambles, the excuse and the blame lies with no one but yourself.

    2. You lost faith in Allah at the time when you needed to have faith in him the most, do you not know that your Lord will put tests in front of us, so that he may question us about them on the day of our reckoning?

    3. You aborted a child, that will live with you till the day you die, nothing and no one can say or do anything to bring that child back, is this not why it has been decreed to us Muslims, to all monotheistic religions, that abortion is a major sin. Allah knows of the mental torture that mankind, particularly women suffer during such events, surely saving a life is not the sole purpose of making abortion haraam.

    4. Your relationship with this man is a crime from which you must repent, where in the email have you stated that you have repented? You haven't, so you must first and foremost, before anythign else repent, repent until your have no more tears to come out of your eyes and soul. Ensure, promise to yourself that you will not commit such a reprehensible act again.

    5. Your marriage proposals are being declined for a good reason, you are not mentally prepared or ready to take on married life, do you think it is fair for some innocent person to carry the weight of your mental issues? It is not fair and only when you are ready, when you have ousted all this sorrow and misery from your heart, can you be ready for a life partner. Do you think any man wants to come home to a wife who is not smiling, who is not waiting anxiously for his arrival from the office/store etc? Be considerate, don't be selfish, I repeat fix yourself from top to bottom and inside out before you move forward with marriage.

    When you have repented, when your mind is clear, when you have completely forgotten the man you speak of and when you have resolved all your issues with your family, only then will things fall into place so that you may live a life of hapinness with a good and pious man.

    Oh Allah guard us from the rejected Shaitaan, protect us from his evil whispers and help mankind to keep on the road to success, the road to Jannah.

    Oh Allah please forgive this lady of her sins, accept her repentance, help her to find peace within her heart and Oh Allah exalted you are, please bless her with a long and happy life with a honourable and rightful man when she is ready. Aaameen.

    • Salaams,

      It's always interesting to see others come on this site, and write posts against others in a spirit which would indicate that they never sin, never make grave mistakes, never fall into the same traps others fall into, never fail tests, etc. Of course, if that were the real world, sites like this would be totally unnecessary. I recall one editor saying that posts were backlogged by about a month, indicating there are so many hurting Muslims out there, Muslims who have made mistakes, whether intentionally or unintentionally, or wronged by others.

      Islam is about submission. Not just in the sense of "doing what we are supposed to do", but in ever remembering that we are not able to do anything in and of ourselves. Any success in our lives, any consistency, any obedience, it is all due to the support of Allah. Without Him we fail at every turn. He is not looking at us wondering why we don't just "get it all together and do it right", but rather, wanting us to remember how much we really need Him, and turn more and more to Him in our dependence of Him solely.

      Anyone who comes here and castigates or judges these posters is coming with arrogance and pride, and that is likely falsely based in accomplishments that they truly cannot attribute to their own efforts. Is having that type of attitude somehow not sinful? Which is worse, to believe you are better than others like Iblis, and judge others who are coming with earnest intentions to seek help and healing? Or to know that you are broken and flawed, and only seeking comfort and hope in this life?

      How many people came to the Prophet (saws) with burdens in their hearts, shame in their past, or struggles that they were fighting? Coming to seek his help and comfort, and ultimately the forgiveness of Allah? Do we remember him being merciless and harsh? No, but we do know that he reminded people over and over again to fight their pride and egos, and to help one another with love. Obviously, if people are in pain about something that happened to them, they are regretful and repentant in spirit. They don't need to prove anything to any of us. They are much better off than those who are sinning and have no awareness of it, or perhaps don't even care what they are doing.

      Brothers should be especially careful when responding to a sister. It takes a special person to understand the complexities of the opposite gender, to know how certain words may be taken. Of course the opposite is true as well, and of course we should all follow the simple rule of showing charity by way of kindness to one another. That is a much better course than harsh reminders about what cannot be changed.

    • Mr. Tareq,

      Your response doesn't help the sister in this situation. It is very judgmental, condescending, and arrogant of you to write in this regard - may Allah guide you, my brother, because there's too much pride in your post. You're not perfect, nobody is, so don't think that way.

      My dear sister, LifeOfMisery, may Allah guide you and bless you with someone :)

  3. Salaam My Sister,

    I am sorry for this burden of guilt that you are carrying with you, and for the suffering that you have experienced.

    When we are faced with constant let downs,betrayal and rejection - when we go through harsh times without so much as a shoulder to cry on: we bear the full misery of our actions and our thoughts and we turn onto ourselves and punish ourselves indefinitely. Our self esteem suffers and we tell ourselves that we do not deserve happiness: this is what guilt and trauma does to us.

    My sister, you have grieved and mourned, and you have suffered - but you must now draw a line under all of this and forgive yourself for the mistakes you have made and allow yourself the chance to heal and move forwards. You have been unfortunate, and you have had to deal with many problems by yourself like a lone sheep amidst the wolves, and you have been badly hurt by it all. You have served a 7 year emotional sentence for what you have done. No more OK? You have forgotten how to generate hope and love in yourself.

    You have suffered enough now, and the way to get through it is to make peace with it and accept what has happened has happened, and let it go to sleep, so that your past can rest in peace and your future can be borne inside of you. You are carrying around this burdensome past, but we cannot change what has already happened. It doesn't matter how many times you revisit those memories - they will not change. By revisiting these traumatic events in your mind, you are just reinforcing them, reliving them and your grief and regret is turning into a compulsion (something that you cannot stop).

    I advise that you forgive yourself and go through a process of letting go of your past. Find a quiet place, and after you pray, sit down and meditate (mediation is the act of focusing wholeheartedly and intensively on one thing) - spend at least half an hour, and conduct what I call a fly-on-the-wall exercise. This is where you revisit your memories - but instead of experiencing them from your own perspective use a fly-on-the-wall perspective. Fast forward through these moments of your life and watch yourself as you would watch a film and recognise what IS, and not what it feels like: recognise that you were alone in all of these moments, and no one was guiding you and see yourself from the outside. Recognise that you have felt the full force of the decisions you have made, and that you have hurt more than enough. Hopefully, you will feel in yourself a strong desire to jump into the picture as your future self - and give your past self some advice and guidance, and have only the feeling of wanting to help yourself through it - a cuddle, a kind word, a shoulder to cry on. Fast forward some more, until you are back in the spot in which you started the meditation and say out loud the words you would say to yourself if you could go back in time and speak to yourself again. Tell yourself: "I understand why you did the things you did, and I forgive you" and then let it all go. You are likely to feel emotional and it's OK to let yourself cry during this exersise. This is you saying goodbye to what was, and opening yourself up to what can be.

    Once you have passed that meditation - move on to the next one. I would like you to close your eyes and imagine a soft pink light in the centre of your chest and focus on that light until you can see it and feel it warm and full of love and goodness. Think of the light as your faith. Focus until you forget everything else. Imagine the light as feeling like love and forgiveness and imagine that it will cleanse you. I want you to mentally grow this light, spreading it through your limbs slowly, part by part, legs, arms, chest, feet, toes, fingers, and into your head until so that you are glowing with this bright pink colour. Strengthen the light so that it gets brighter and brighter and brighter until the room is full of pink light coming from inside of you. When you have done this, I want you to generate a giant flash like an explosion of light, eliminating all darkness and negativity from your body: a big big flash. After the flash, give yourself 5 minutes of quiet time (lying down) to absorb the sensation of being full of light.

    After, recognise that you are full of light and that light is the light of Allah's faith, which carries only positive feelings. Focus always on the beautiful sensation of love, forgiveness and mercy and open yourself up to positive feelings. This feeling is the feeling you must continually focus on, and you must abandon feelings of darkness and emptiness. Remember what love and mercy feels like, and practice the art of generating it inside yourself.

    Over time, as you maintain your focus on the sensation of love and mercy, you will begin to eliminate remnants of your past which continue to haunt you and you will find it easier and easier to let it go. Recognise that you are holding on to this pain, because you think you deserve it -and recognise that enough is enough now, 7 years is enough - and it's time to move on.

    Try these exercises until you get them right and inshaAllah, I hope and pray my Sister that you can put your past to rest, and become reborn again, full of hope and Iman again, and that you find the power in yourself to feel faithful, positive and believing in your future and your salvation in the same way that I believe in your salvation, your faith and your future.

    Peace,

    Leyla
    Editor, Islamic Answers

    • Leyla, maashAllah, excellent advice and excellen therapy. I will definitely refer your method meditation & therapy to others inshAllah!

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • JazakAllah Sister Z, God Bless you and Grant you peace and happiness forever and always x

        I think we forget the important of meditation in spiritual life. Our Prophet (pbuh) spent much of his time alone in the dessert in meditation. On Lailat ul Qadr "Night of Power" the revelation came after he had been meditating in a cave on Mount Hira. Meditation is an important part of cleansing ourselves and improving our prayers an connecting with Allah and ourselves.

        Peace,
        Leyla
        Editor, Islamic Answers

      • My heart bleed 4u my sister! May Allah uplift u 2 the highest level of happiness. U r gone through enough,STOP! And start living! U no Allah 4give the smallest to the biggest sins!Allah 4gave a prostetute after she gave a dog water from her shoe!So promise all of us that u gona muv on now!and insha Allah u'll get married have babies,Thuma Ameen,Positive attitude will take u there!pls do Email after u get married/and u healed inside,LOVE U MY SISTER

  4. May Allah forgive us all for our sins done intentionally or unintentionally

  5. Dear Sister,

    I agree with everything Leyla has said and her response was very beautiful maashaAllah. Much of what I am going to say has been said already, but I pray that everyone's advice will collectively help you inshaAllah.

    I am sorry for all the pain you have been experiencing and still are experiencing. We don't realise until we get that wake up call about how one thing that seemed so small and insignificant at the time could ever possibly lead to so much misery and strife. You have clearly been through alot, but the important thing is that you have survived and with the right counselling inshaAllah you will leave behind the negative thinking and and turn a fresh leaf.

    Sexual Abuse: Unfortunately, sexual abuse is much more common than most people are aware, mostly because it is not being brought to the surface due to medieval issues of shame, honour, culture etc yet it so desperately needs to be dealt with. It is so awful to have been a victim of sexual abuse and moreso by someone we trust. Furthermore, I hope you are not harbouring feelings of guilt or shame for the abuse and if you are, I want you to know that you were an innocent victim, a child and you were not at responsible for what happened to you. This week on this website here, we have been dealing with one sexual abuse case and one molestation case, so sister you are not alone as a victim of such abuse. It is very brave of you to have opened up and spoken about your feelings with us. Hopefully it will encourage others who have suffered this terrible abuse to open up and seek help to deal with their feelings too.

    Your Ex-boyfriend: With regards to your involvement with your ex-boyfriend, you should say Alhumdulillah that he has left your life. You gained nothing good through your relationship with him. He encouraged you to cross the boundaries of your faith and when he was put to the test, he treated you very badly.

    Your Baby: You had sinned by becoming pregnant out of wedlock. This was a very difficult time for you and you were not in a strong state of mind. Anyone in this situation would have panicked. But as crude as it may sound, this baby was never meant to be born dear Sister. For your actions: Ask Allah to forgive you and ask your baby to forgive you. I want to narrate a story to you. Umar (ra) would often shed tears in rememberance of the sins he committed before he accepted Islam. One day he was asked why he was crying so much and he had told this: That before he accepted Islam, he too had succumbed to the Jaahil custom of burying daughters alive. His daughter lifted her hand lovingly to remove the dusty sand from her father's beard and after doing so, Umar(ra) threw the surrounding sand over his daughter, burying her alive, taking her soul forever. When his life was lightened by Islam, he realised the enourmity of the sin he committed so he would cry often. Sister, I want you to learn from this: as you erred, Umar(ra) did too and although both your actions were influenced by differing factors, the point to be made is that be it through ignorance, weakness or through heightened emotion, we are all capable of doing bad things. But that does not make us bad people. We must just learn for the future. Let this serve as a reminder also that some of the great figures in Islam erred greatly at times in their lives, so of course everyone else will too.

    Your Test: Clearly you were very weak in your eemaan and vulnerable and like so many youngsters, you craved attention and found it, but in the wrong place. At the same time, you hold a certain amount of responsibility for your actions. You question why you went wrong as you had been praying since the age of 11. But Sister, one can only know how strong they are in faith when tested and you were tested. This was one of your tests. And 'yes', you fell and made some big mistakes and what you are feeling now are the consequences of that. BUT being tested is part of life, in fact our lives are made up of a series of tests. Every single one of us has been tested in some way or another and at some point in our lives, every single one of us has also fallen. But Allah keeps testing us to give us chances to prove ourselves better.

    Allah says: "Do people think that they will be left alone because they say: "We believe," and will not be tested. and "And We indeed tested those who were before them. And Allah will certainly make (it) known (the truth of) those who are true, and will certainly make (it) known (the falsehood of) those who are liars, (although Allah knows all that before putting them to test)". ( Quran 29:2.-3)

    The important thing as I said before is that you survived and you are here seeking help. You are faced with another test now and that is 'Will you allow yourself to learn from your mistakes, try to pick up and move on in the path of Allah,' or 'will you continue to fall and move further away from Allah through despairing'?

    ***

    Allah(swt) says in the Quran, Surah Az-Zumar 39:53: "Say: O My servants who have transgressed against their own souls, despair not of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Truly, He is Most Forgiving, Most Merciful."

    In this Hadith Qudsi, Allah also says: "O son of Adam, as long as you call upon Me and put your hope in Me, I have forgiven you for what you have done and I do not mind. O son of Adam, if your sins were to reach the clouds of the sky and then you would seek My forgiveness, I would forgive you. O son of Adam, if you were to come to Me with sins that are close to filling the earth and then you would meet Me without ascribing any partners with Me, I would certainly bring to you forgiveness close to filling it."

    Perhaps Allah(swt) refers to His creation as 'O son of Adam' because he wants this to be an example for us. If Adam(as) was the first to sin and was forgiven by Allah after he sincerely repented; then this should give us hope that we too can be forgiven. So if Allah promises to forgive you, why are you are still punishing yourself?

    ***

    So Sister, my advice to you is this:

    - Stop punishing yourself. As Leyla said, enough is enough. This self flagellation has gone on far too long.

    - Do tawbah for your past sins, for indulging in haraam relationships and for the abortion. Allah is The Most Merciful and the Most Forgiving, He is also the All Knowing. He knows when your mind was in a state of confusion and when you were lost. Do not think Allah is harsh.

    - Meditate as Leyla said. You are harbouring many negative feelings and locked emotions; emotions about your sexual abuse, your physical relationship, your abortion etc. You are carrying alot of guilt, fear, regret and hopelessness and this is unhealthy. Leyla gave some practical methods of meditating, apply them and at the same time reflect on the Mercy of Allah, pray your Salaah, Fast, recite Quran - these are surely powerful things.

    - Remember your goal in life is to worship Allah. If you remember this, you will also remember that every trial is sent upon your for a reason and we need to be seeking Allah's pleasure in all our decisions. Knowing this and being able to implement it is a treasure and will do wonders for your mental well being.

    - Resume your Islamic Identity as a Muslim woman. Enrol on some Islamic Study circles, through this you will learn about your beautiful deen and make some good female friends inshaAllah.

    - Be grateful to Allah that he removed this horrid man from your life. As a woman, as a human being, you deserve better than to live as a maid to a man just so you can be near to him. Why do this, when you can live as a respected wife to a good man.

    - Do not hate your family for not allowing you to be with this man. When this man was put to the test, his true colours appeared. Had he been sincere, he would not have become arrogant and he would never have encouraged you to have wrong relations with him.

    ***

    So focus on improving your health and mental wellbeing inshaAllah. Count your blessings and inshaAllah when you are stronger in yourself and sure about your purpose in life, you will be a happier soul. Only then should you seek to find a marriage partner. You must stop thinking that everything is a punishment from Allah, this is unhealthy and will do you no good. You are 30 years old and not married. I am older than you and not married, so what does that say about me? I know people who are married and completely unhappy, they feel they are being tested through their marriage. So make the most of what you have now, because who's to say that the grass will be greener on the other side? And on a more positive note: Perhaps Allah is saving you from further trials by delaying your marriage. Perhaps He(swt) wants you to become stronger in yourself so you settle down with the right man at the right time in the right way. Ever thought of your life in that way?

    Seriously Sister, you have a whole life a head of you. Do not let the past destroy your future. You can be a different person now by letting go of all your negative feelings. As Leyla said, come to peace with yourself. It is well over due.

    May Allah protect you, forgive you and give you shifa, aameen.

    Best Wishes

    SisterZ
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  6. Dear Sister (life of misery)

    asalamalaikum,

    i just want to share my experience with you, so that you dont feel all alone and sad. I too didnt have a very happy childhood,specially my relationship with my father. all i remeber as far as i can when i was a little girl that i adored my father and loved my mom.unfortunately my father never responded in the same way. we too as family had times when we diodnt know where the next meal was coming from or if we will have fees to pay to school. i too like you met a boy at the same age like you had, and i too spend 7 yrs of life trying my best to work it out with him. i too blamed my family for every thing i was going throuigh and every wrong deed i did. at that time he ( the boy i liked) seem to be the only comforter and the only person who had talked to me with love and kindness and appreciated me and i too after saying no a thounsand time one day evetually gave in. i still remember what i said that night to Allah . my only hope among all the darkness was Allah but because things werent working out with him in terms of marriage I threatened Allah what can He do at the most ! take away this man who is my only happiness ! so let it be, i thought Allah was my friend but that night I saw him as my enemy. astaghfirullah! i totally lost faith in Allah . before that i was doing exactly like what you were doing ,even going to this fake baba ji for a taweez. .

    then i got to know that he has done nikkah with some one ,i just could not believe but soon realized that except me everyone knew about it, he never bothered to tell me.

    any way , that part of my life was very difficult , i was left with no fake supports to lean on( like this boy i was with) and no Allah, who is the real supporter and comforter. At that time i asked Allah that I am losing faith in him and i dont want to . despite me being so wrong i want him to draw me near him and tell me exactly what to do. i then wrote to some one like sister Leyla :) at that time. she gave me good advice that i never let go off it .i will share this with you. i was like you then , my fatther was terminally ill and died a year later. all i could do was just cry all all the time and feel hope less. i thought several times about killing myself but only thing that kept me away was ,how will my mother survive this trauma. i cant punish her like this.

    that great sister at that time told me to cut off all contact with this boy, and he did use to call me even after his nikkah ,trying to be my friend. she then told me to offer prayers and say a dua . i will post that dua at the end ( this is a famous dua ,u can find it in many dua books). that dua helped me to focus on somethinhg and brought me back to Allah. i offered tahajjud prayers which helped a lot also last three verses of surah bakara they really helped. . i used to talk to Allah a lot , telling him how i feel, how wrong i was and how hurt i am, how i was looking at this boy as a way out of my miseries etc. you will be surprised to know how much we know already what to do but if someone else tells you than it sounds so much doable.

    i used to ask Allah , make me indifferent towards him , towards this whole turmoil iam going through , i know you will never do anything to hurt me but only to show me the right way and to bring me closer to you. so show me also the goodness for me hidden in this painful event.

    and that was the first time n my life that i read the quran cover to cover with translation the frist time. so much was being revealed to me then, what ever i was thinking , whatever i was looking for , all the answers were just there ,as if Allah is talking to me. it was the most peaceful time of my life . i started to prepare for a post graduation exam and my concentration was excellent. my eyes were tearful but only with love for Allah and eventually i found myself saying that if this is where you wanted to bring me than going through all that pain was worth it. i then taught myself to forgive me and let go of the past. make improvements in my life. made good friends. Mashallah Allah gave me enough not only to help myself but also my family and other families as well. and for me i gained the most preciuos thing my Imaan . and i cherish it till today.

    my dear sis , very rightly said by Leyla. forgive yourself, that will be your first step towards fixing your life. forget the pain but rememeber the lesson yopu have learned from it and one day you will be helping someone in your situation , sharing your tranformation , and helping them come out of the darkness. as the saying goes , if it doesnt kill you it will only make you stronger! .

    dont worry about marriage , it will happen when its the right time and the right person. if it makes you feel any better , iam over 30 and not married yet, but iam sure that Allah will look after all my matters like he did when i even stopped believing in him.

    look after your self. Allah is there with you always, turn and run towars him.

    your sincerely.

    friend.

    the dua

    inallilahi waina ilaihiraji oon. allahumahjurni fi museebati wakhlufli khairuminha.( sahi muslim)
    i dont know the exact english translation so will write in urdu , may be someone can correct it.

    hum sub Allah hi ke liye hain aur hum sub ne usi ki taruf loat ke janahai.aey Allah meri museebat mein mujhe ajar atta farma and mujhe us ka behtar badla ata farma.

    ameen

  7. dear sister

    ive just read your post and i fell so sad.i thought i was going through so much but after reading your story i can say alhamdullilah im much better off,sister just want to say i have been through something similar.i had an abortion which tortures me till today,it was a similar reasn.i was 18 and naive .also i couldnt keep the baby because i was told that if it was born without nikkah it is haram.sister. just ask for forgiveness from allah swt and just realise that if you stayed with this guy and married him .he would ov cheated on you after that,he didnt care about you and is just blaming your family because he just needs someone to blame because of his guilty concious.you have to have self respect for yourself because that how these kind of guys are.they make you fall in love with you and then they start treating you bad.Im talking from experience sister and i lost myself in a similar way in which i tried taking overdose but didnt work.after all that i realise that if i aint going to respect myself and my health ,who is.Dont harm your self sister.i know you feel like crap but just pray to allah swt for peace in your heart and in shallal in all good time you'll meet someone and look back at this as a big mistake to be learned from .takecare

  8. Salaam Sister,

    My wife story is somewhat same as yours she also got married in her early 30s, she also had long relationship with a guy because she wanted to marry him and he was only deceiving her, she also aborted a child after 2 months of pregnancy.

    In short she had bad past, but she repented, Allah brought me in her life (in my views Allah has rewarded her with a person who is not only innocent but also willing to accept her because she has repented).

    So, sister have faith in Allah, repent sincerely for the mistakes you made, try to control your thoughts why you are praying salah, give charity (whatever even pennys), pray tahajud if you can, stop negative thoughts, and clear this in your mind that you are going to get married soon Inshallah but to whomever you get married you should give that person more than 100% and never ever share your past with him (I am still hurt from my wife's past because it is very hard for me to accept this), so take my advise and never ever share this with him, no matter how hard he try to find this out (I made the same mistake by kept asking my wife about her past and now I have tears in my eyes all the time but I am still trying my best to go through this test because Allah knows the best and does the best for us)

    • May Allah swt reward you for your patience and kindness you have showed your wife - not many men would cope with that, - people dont realise by doin this they are judging others - so MashaAllah that you didn't! I pray that Allah swt eases your pain (i would also find this painful) - stil try to remember its her past- her present and her future is InshaAllah with you on the right path. MashaAllah - good advice

      Peace
      SR Muslimah

      • I tell myself this is the test from Allah SWT, He knows what is best for me.....
        Although I haven't accepted her from my heart and perhaps I won't be able to, however I am trying my best to fulfill my responsibilities as a husband by forgetting about my own happiness, and desires
        And that's why I asked the sister never ever mention about her past to her husband because that will bring more misery in life

    • MASHALLAH. SO GUD TO SEE THAT PEOPLE LIKE U EXIST IN THIS WORLD! MAY ALLAH REWARD U WITH MORE HAPPINESS AND PEACE.IT DOES BRING TEARS TO MY EYES AFTER READING ALL THIS.BUT IT ENSURES THERE ARE MANY GOOD PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD.PEOPLE OF ALLAH !

      FOR THE SISTER(LIFEOFMISERY) I WOULD JUST SAY TRUST ALLAH AND INSHALLAH EVRYTHING WILL BE FINE. ASK ALLAH FOR FORGIVNESS.ALLAH IS THE MOST MERCIFUL HE LOVE HIS PEOPLE AND WITH TRUE HEART WHEN ONE ASK FOR FORGIVENESS HE DOES FORGIVE.JUST TRY YOUR BEST NOW NEVER TO GET BACK ON THE SAME TRACK ..FORGET THAT PERSON WHO DESTROYED YOUR LIFE.BELIVE ME HE WAS NOT THE ONE FOR YOU.

      I WOULD SUGGEST TRY TO HELP OTHERS IN NEED OR JUST MAKE PEOPLE AROUND U HAPPY BELIVE ME IT WILL GIVE U COMFORT AND HAPINESS INSIDE(IT WORKS FOR ME COZ I HAVE ALSO A BITTER PAST WHICH I NEVER WANT TO REMEMBER INSHALLAH WILL HELP U TOO).I DO THE SAME WHEN I AM SAD N BROKEN INSIDE .

      I WILL REMEMBER YOU IN MY PRAYERS.INSHALLAH YOU WILL SOON SEE HAPINESS.AND TAKE CARE OF URSELF.

    • Dear Akbar,
      I am a woman with almost the same experience in my life, I've been with 5 or 6 men in my life, all because i hope to find love but no one and I don't care why but they can not love me and can not appreciate my emotion, i was involved physically with them but not from passion, I just thought this was part of relationship and at that time i have no bad feelings for this.even in a period of my life i did not care about anything , i even betrayed one of my boyfriends and i do not feel bad about it because he did the same to me. i was so desperate and i have no clue how can i deal with my miserable life. i can not talk about anything to any one because here in my country the people just wanna judge about others.... but after a time i met this incredible person whom i love very much and he loves me back. you have no idea how much i am ashamed about what i have done in the past. i know he deserve someone much better than me. but i love him so much and since we were together ( it is almost 2 years) i never betrayed him and i have no more feeling for any of those people.with him i can really know my self . i try my best to provide a pleasant situation for him. i just want him to know that if it is possible i went to the past and make everything right and did not do what I've done but it is not. you have a vary brave wife who admit her mistakes. my love also wants to know the past but each time i share a little of it with him he feel so miserable that i had to cover up the reality by minimizing it. i am not proud of my self but in order to save my relation ship which is both of us wants i have to do that. but your wife frankly talk about her past and all she wants is a second chance, she and all the women like me, just want to put the past in the past and believe me if we move on from our past relation ship we never think about that again or have no feeling about the person we involve with. trust your wife and know the extend of the shame she feel inside about the mistakes she has done in the past. i hope my love one day forgive me , i hope God one day forgive me and I hope me, my-self can forgive me. please say some Dua for me.

    • May Allah give you a strong heart and patience brother. You really have a big heart to be able to accept your wife and forgive her for what she'd done. May Allah reward you for that. May Allah also ease the pain you feel inside to find out the fact about your wife's past. I know it must be very pathetic for you to know the truth you have to face. Yet brother, one of Rosul's saw companion, Umar ibn Khattab AS said , Don't ever look down at anyone because sometimes people with the worst past create the best future. Your wife may be the worst but Alhamdulillah she repented and she wants to be better. I've seen some brothers who are in your position and find it's difficult to stand with the fact they come to know. They just blame their dear one and make her feel more remorseful to get reminded of her past while actually she is now really changed. Alhamdulillah, Allah gives you strength to forgive her and accept her. When you are looking at your wife, look at her as your queen cuz indeed she is. Allah forgives those who turn to Him with sincere Tawbah, Alhamdulillah your wife did and now she wants to repair her mistakes by trying to be better. Cherish it and live peacefully with her. May you have a happy, blessed and wonderful life with your wife. Amin

  9. dear sister assalam alaikum
    according to me a person who loves will never force u to get physically intimate without any bond i e nikkah and if he forces than its not love iam a mom of two and i knw ur feeling for killing ur baby iam really sorry for that
    i dnt knw wht to advice u plz keep sabr coz allah will find u way out and i request u to repent to allah coz he forgives anyone who repents let his sins be to that of a sea level and plz dont try to commit suicide coz it is haram and try to face ur life with boldness and stop all that is haram see ur life will become happy by the grace of allah

  10. Salaam Sister,

    Please repent sincerely from any sins and sinful thought even about sucide because negativity is from shaitan and it will make you feel worse about your life. In my advise try to focus on the positivity of your life, try to write down all the positive and focus on the positive about your life to eliminate any negativity, have faith and believe in Allah and Inshallah you will see how things turn your way.

    Remember my wife is no different than you and still got married in terms of making past mistake, but she focus on the positive and want to leave the past in the past, live in present for future, and decide to never ever make stupid mistakes again, your repentance will wash away any sinful acts and you will get the reward.

  11. I am sorry about sharing the negative part about my story... so please disregard my negativity but learn the lesson from it that you never ever want to talk about your past sins to anyone specially your husband because if he is not as strong as I am then he will feel the same way and some men are even weaker than this and just end up with the relationship.

  12. My dear sister, Have a good and merciful opinion of Allah.

    Allah (swt) knows that you are doing your best to repent to him, He is full of forgiveness and mercy, and He doesn't mind forgiving you at all, as long as you continue to turn to him alone and associate no partners with him.

    So please do go easy on yourself now, forgive yourself. And certainly have a good opinion of Allah, because Allah Most Merciful treats you as you expect him to treat you. So expect him to treat you mercifully, now that you have repented :)

    Remember, a believer has a balance between hope and fear. I think you should increase the hope that you have in Allah's mercy, as you are already doing the "fear" part :) Balance it out between hope and fear. Balance it out. Balance it out.

    Balance between hope and fear.

    ------

    As for what happened in the past, here is a beautiful quote:

    Go easy on yourself, for the outcome of all affairs is determined by God’s decree.
    If something is meant to go elsewhere, it will never come your way, but if it is yours by destiny, from you it cannot flee – Umar bin al Khattab

  13. Dear sister people here have already done an excellent job MashAllah in giving sincere advice which will soothe your soul InshAllah. I believe every woman has potential in her to do something great. In terms of this wordly life I would recommend that you aim for a new career or look forward to starting your own little business or service. Say Bismillah ofcourse but why I am giving this advice is it will allow you to practice your intellectual skills. This will give you strength enhance your wisdom of this world or help you channel negative energy into productivity . I don't know your qualifications but some small ideas can be.inhome tutoring to help expenses ,henna designs or Quran tajweed teacher . I am sure there are.many local jobs that will benefit from your intellectualityld be bridal

  14. As for marriage make sure you do istikhara prayer and seek help from the healing from Allahs book.and.names...always read daily iyyaka na budu wa iyyaka nastaeen..these will help closed doors in your life open InshAllah..read it daily do like 50-100 or more tasbees..with.Allahs.acceptance it.shall help you

  15. Rajeena,

    Please log in and submit your question as a separate post. I will delete your comment from here soon.

    SisterZ
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  16. Dear brother akbar qamar...

    Its inspiring to hear your side of the story but I do not feel certain that u ve accepted ur wife whole heartedly....u said urself dat u havent accepted ir wife by all ur heart and just fulfilling ur responsibilities.Do u understand that loving her is also the most important part of ur responsibility? She has been honest wid u and shared her darkest n most sorrowful moment wid u by ur own will n u reward her by trying to forget? Allah brought you to her ..made u a couple to love,trust and respect each other..by not accepting her whole heartedly u r rejecting what Allah has given u to perfect ur life...n to publicise ur wife's past for all to c ..even tho no1 knows u ..its still is a proof dat u arent happy wid your relationship with her.....brother forget everything ...if she had cheated on u ..dat would be sumthing u might never have gotten over but to deny her of her right beacuse of sumthing that she did a long time ago before she dint even know you...is that not a sin in itself? Be thankful to Allah for rpoviding you with a wife whois honest,who repented and who tries her best to keep u happy not because its her duty but because she loves u....brother give her a chance...nothing is more painful dan a spouse who doesnt love u....providing material things cant keep a woman happy...only true love can......n dats all a righteous woman would ask u
    jazakAllah khair

  17. Salam Alejkom sister,
    I was married for about 5.5-6 years to a sister that was virgin, but who had a lot of serious issues when she where growing up. Both her mother and father left her due to some and she lived with her fathers sister that physically (beat her) and emotionally abused her for many years before she moved. You see sister, I didn't know the story about her childhood and wasn't able to handle or understand why she was taking out her past resentments on me until later. I was brought up in a religious and very warm family with a lot of respect and love for women. I have five older sisters myself.

    (Some good advice for my dear brother akbar qamar beneath)

    What I want to say here is I learned something very important in this very painful process that it doesn't matter what kind of experience the person you marry have in the past (of course you have the right to choose but we have to stop judging people). What matter in the end is that past experience can make you a better person now / today who will spread Allah's light and mercy on earth or a person that is more and more drawn to darkness. It is up to you to decide. To choose between these two choices is the ultimate choice a person have make. How do YOU want the past experience to affect you today? You can choose the path of salvation and redemption, mercy, kindness, hope, positive, light, courage forgiveness and peace because Allah can and will forgive everything as long as you are sincere and most important that you put your TRUST in Him OR you can choose self pity, depression, darkness, not believing that Allah can wipe out your sins, think that people will judge you and so on....

    I was also a virgin when I got married and I am Alhamdulillah happy that I saved my self until marriage. This act was for Allah and not for my wife. I can tell you that very few brothers would be able handle my situation that I went through for so long. I divorced her for about six months ago and now she understand what kind of man I was and what I did for her but it's to late. I forgive her for everything Alhamdulillah and hope also that she forgives me for my mistakes inshaAllah. Now I see that it was a very good lesson I got from Allah the almighty. I see the tests as my teachers and accept them as they are. This body that we have today will soon be in the grave and don't put to much weight on the physical. Seek a persons heart and soul and see into that and try to investigate it but only Allah will truly know. Believe in Allah and make salat Alistikhara for every choice and Allah will guide you inshaAllah.

    If the past experiences made you a better person now / today then you have made the right choice. Alhamdulillah I am a far better and stronger man today than before. I married a girl that had some past experience with boyfriends but she repented sincerely and told me her story honestly. It is between her and Allah, but I appreciate her courage and honesty. Most men cant handle this so you have to be careful who and what you tell. In the beginning I was myself unstable and started to think jealously and negative emotions came up. But then I had a insight and understand today a bit of the divine picture that this person can be far better person than I am right now. She made sincere taubah, lives a clean modest, healthy life, want to work for the good cause of humanity, study Quran and be a respectable and good wife.

    So in the end it doesn't matter if the person you are marrying is a virgin or not the important thing is that who is the person today / now. Allah is always here and now. Allah is the the knowing, the judge and the creator. If Allah is forgiving, humble, caring, the giver why cant we be like that and Allah will be merciful to us on the day of judgment. We put to much weight on this world my dear sisters and brothers. Let us do what we suppose to do and save our selves, our family and our society and help each other to see hope, repair the hearts and see our great vision of Islam.

    Kind Regards,

  18. Subhanallah, some very good replies alhamdulillah. I don't know if this is the right place to ask but i have a problem myself which i wonder if anyone can solve. For many years i've been struggling to quit a few sins which i have made a habit off and what i noticed is that no matter how much good i do the destructive effect of the sin eventually catches up to me and not only ruins me but prevents me from even doing good for a while. And it seems clear that i will never move forward without getting rid of these sins which i find impossible to get rid off which are even effecting some of the obligatory acts of worship i should be doing. So many years went by trying to fiqure the cure for this situation with no success.

    • Unknown,

      Please log in and submit your question as a separate post. In short though, if you are finding that you keep sinning, then you need to make practical changes in your life to help you avoid falling into those particular situations. Also remind yourself of a hadith by Rasool(sws) that 'the destroyer of all pleasures is death'.

      If one wants desperately to give up alcohol, persisting in hanging out with friends who drink when you meet them is most surely not going to help. Its actually part of the problem. Catch my drift??

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  19. Sister we all have sinned, but please dont ever give up. Allah is th emost forgiving. Dont loose hope in Allah. You turning to Him and wanting to change means that you are a true Muslim. Our Prophet by the Grace of Allah was forgiving people that were so bad in deeds and were sinners. And remember this was at the time of our beloved Prophet. Make dua, read the Quran, start your Salat, and get involved in helping children. Do all the good for the sake of Allah, and Allah will reward you. He wants to see you turn to Him. Also, this is very important, please dont tell people about your past, they will judge you in a wrong way. Your faults and between you and Allah

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