Can’t seem to shake this feeling of loneliness
Salaam,
The reason I have decided to write today, is for some advice. I am a 25 year old guy, who recently, started feeling lonely. I have been feeling this way for several months now. It is an overwhelming sense of urgency that I need companionship from someone of the opposite sex. This is undoubtedly a biological reaction that is telling me "Its Time".
My dilemma is that although I feel that I am emotionally and mentally prepared to be engaged in a relationship with a woman, my present situation dictates otherwise. I am still in school, and it will be several years before I will be financially stable in terms of supporting another person.
To give a little background on my situation, I am a medical student who is studying outside of my home country. I will more than likely end up moving to the US when I am done, and be working there. I am 25 right now and wont be done studying my basics until I am 27 or 28. At that time I will be (inshallah) starting in the grueling world of residency, which will be anywhere from 2-4 years of long hours and little time for outside life. This time frame puts me in my 30's. When I think of it like that it really tears at my heart and exacerbates my loneliness.
I tell myself that this feeling will subside and by asking Allah to make it easier for me it will go away, however I cannot seem to find relief. I think about it constantly, and find myself wasting precious hours in my day jumping from one Muslim matrimonial site to the next in the hopes of finding a potential spouse who I can get to know. Do I keep on ignoring these feelings, or do I seek someone to fill that void? Is it realistic to get involved in a long-term engagement with someone, from an Islamic stand point?
Any advice you can provide would be greatly appreciated.
- Moba
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Firstly you should ask Allah to give you more patience and strength. If your loneliness is so great that it hurts, try fasting once or twice a week. But at the same time, you should definitely continue to seek a girl for marriage. Muslim matrimonial sites help if you are on your own, and you should also speak to your parents about finding a suitable partner for yourself.
Hope that helps.
I know how it feels to be so busy with studying that the whole world is passing you by. I myself have my doctorate and have been in school for a long time. You should not wait and worry that you won't have time for a wife. Having a wife will make you want to work even harder to make her proud of you, and having the support of a wife will make your life easier and more fulfilling. I also worried that i would not have time for a husband, while being buried in my books but trust me its not as complicated as you think, making that time happens very naturally. Also my friend got married right before his residency and they are making it work just fine. Set aside some time during a break from school soley to focus on finding someone. If it feels like you can't find someone don't give up hope.
Brother Moba, try to explore the possibility of getting married now, or at least in the next few years, rather than putting it off. Maybe you can do the nikah but continue to live apart for now. That way you could spend time together and be physically affectionate. You could also talk on the phone every day. Your need for companionship would be satisfied.
Or, maybe you could get married now and live very simply. When I was a child both of my parents were full time students. We lived in subsidized student housing. We had very little money. But I was happy. I had a loving home, and friends. I remember that I used to go to the grocery store across the street and sit on the floor in front of the comic book rack, and read the comic books without buying them. That may sound strange, but it was a very small town, not crazy like the world is today. I didn't have any fancy toys. I had a box of those little plastic toy soldiers, and I would spend hours setting them up and then having mock battles. I loved to read, so I'd go to the library and check out books.
I know I'm rambling, but my point is that if you find the right woman, someone patient and non-materialistic, then it's possible to live very simply, on very little money. Shop at thrift stores, don't dine out, use public transportation. People do it. And it's still possible to have fun, when fun means hanging out and talking with friends, going to the park, and other things that don't cost money.
Personally, my feeling is that you'd have the best luck with a Muslim convert. I know this is a generalization, but it seems to me that the converts tend to be more focused on the spirituality of Islam, and less so on material considerations, while women from Muslim countries tend to be more materially demanding, and tend to have a whole set of cultural expectations that must be met. But it's not a rule, just a general observation.
Also, as far as being married during your residency, plenty of medical residents are married, and they manage. You just need a wife who can be patient with the working hours until you are done.
These are only some ideas. The most important thing is to ask Allah. Make dua' to Allah often, and He will provide a way for you. Also ask Him for patience, and purification, and sincerity in all your actions.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Awww MashAllah, It Seem's Like your parents had a lovely marriage, which is very rare nowadays, you had a beautiful upbringing by your parents, hence your humbleness, it just goes to show, money cant buy happiness.
x
Assalaamualaikum Brother Wael,
May the Most Merciful grant you a great reward for your advice. However, I am quite concerned about what you mentioned about Muslim converts and Muslim-born women. Personally, I think (Please forgive me if I phrase this incorrectly) it's unfair that you say that a convert is (in some way) 'better' than the Muslim-born. As a man in the same situation as the Brother Moba, I believe that we should show appreciation to those Muslim girls who have gone their whole lives as Muslims because Allah alone knows the challenges they had to face as Muslims (in our modern world) from the time they became baaligh, until they desired to marry... And the fact that many have kept themselves chaste in the hopes of finding a brother who has also gone through the same difficulties. IN NO WAY, am I saying that a convert/revert lived a loose lifestyle and has "been-there-done-that", NO. What I am saying though, is that there are countless Muslim-born women out there, whether they may be materialistic or not, who deserve to be wed by us Muslim men, because we all know that they aren't allowed to marry non-Muslim men...
...It's our duty to ensure that no one gets left behind.
Assalaamu alaikum.
May Allah make it easy for you brother. I am not too good at explaining myself but I will try.. I believe that sometimes in life, Allah gives us signs/ opportunities. He guides us to what is good for us. If you feel this way, maybe its Allah's way of saying you need to marry.
I agree with everything brother Wael said, MashaAllah he summed it up nicely. I wanted to say that ask Allah for patience and happiness. I recite this dua a lot, its beautiful dua. Also ask Allah to grant you the best wife
rabbana hab lana min azwajina wathurriyyatina qurrata aAAyunin waijAAalna lilmuttaqeena imaman
Lord! Grant unto us wives and offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes, and give us (the grace) to lead the righteous." (25:74)
I dont think you should put it off especially if you feel this way, the younger you are the more options you have. Marriage also InshaAllah protects againsts zina, so its important to find halal companionship when you can InshaAllah. By waiting for years, you put yourself at risk. That said DONT fall into the trap of rushing into it cuz of age! Take the best route, via parents or family, try to find out if your compatible early on. Keep your eyes open for signs, good and bad. (e.g how does she talk to elders etc.) I recommend going to lectures. (Yassir Fazaga used to do a series of good marriage lectures- not sure if available now). most importantly ask Allah for the best wife. When InshaAllah you find her - do nikah if you cant move in with her, so you can see her and have companionship.
I dont mean to undermine your feelings in anyway but i sort of know how you feel, I have recently began to feel it a bit myself. Im younger, am 22 but since my younger brother married (he found his own wife - alhumdulilah) last year I feel a bit isolated being the only 'single one'. Only thing is I am not desperate for companionship, the whole marriage thing is something I fear for some reason, I am not mature so I have left it to Allah. When He makes it clear to me that I am ready, I will start InshaAllah. I am on last year of my degree and have tried to decide whether to start looking afterwards or study arabic for a few months. I am torn, so I am doing istakhaarah and left it to Allah (swt). Not sure if this is the best thing to do.
And there are others in your situation - so you are not alone in how you feel. Sometimes it helps to remember that.
Try to remember the blessings Allah has given you, make the intention to be patient. My mother once told me that if you give up or refrain from halal interactions/ relationships for the sake of Allah, Allah will reward you and help you find someone good for you. Dont think that you are single because no one wants to marry you, you are avoiding haraam for sake of Allah an He will reward you. I remember this when I feel lonely and try to be positive.
Sorry for my long, unstructured post,i just could relate to it somewhat.
So take the step, start searching
Make lots of dua and trust in Allah.
May Allah help you find the best wife for you, make you patient and give you happiness in this life and the next. Ameen.
Asalam O Alaikum brother Wael:)-
Masha Allah very nice advice. Brother! what you said about converts sisters, but it is as difficult to find a convert sister as climbing the Mount Everest or K2:)-. I came across a sister on "SingleMuslim.com", who is a revert Masha Allah. We have been chatting for a while like a few weeks or may be a month now but there is a problem. Brother, I will e-mail you all the details of our correspondence. Due to some problems from her side, our conversation just stopped. I sent her so many e-mail, IM's etc but she doesn't reply at all. So far, I can say that she's been wonderful Masha Allah and there is an attraction between us totally depending upon our views as I never asked her about her picture or anything about her past and she really appreciated that but then something happened and it all came to a stand still.
My question to you brother Wael in particular and other sisters and brothers who want to help is that, could you tell me any prayers, dua or special wadeefa, that could help me with this situation in particular and finding a convert sister in general. May Allah help us all and reward those brothers and sisters who contribute in any way to help others in finding solution for different problems. (Amin)
You are not alone brother; there are thousands of Muslims males out there who are in the same boat. I am also in similar situation (23). The only solution that our parents and the Muslim community in general offer is, "Suck it up dude". Because they love to pretend that "every thing is normal".
But everything is not normal. Because there comes a point in life when suddenly the weight of the life feels very heavy and we strongly feel the need of a person of opposite gender on our side to carry that load together. Why we feel so? Because our father Adam (s) felt that same. Despite being showered with the blessings of Jannah, Adam (s) did not have the tranquility in the heart. Allah then created Eve (s) for him.
Irrespective of the situation, patience is most fitting. The next step is dua. We will have to remain very alert to assure that we do not allow the Shaytan to take chance of this vulnerability and lead us to sin. The final step is to talk with our parents.
Appreciable suggestion
May Allah make it easy for us. It depends on how the parents are - some are very strict. Mine, alhumdulilah are open in the sense that i can talk to them and they know exactly how I feel and can offer advice. But we (my fam#) unfortunately know nothing of how to go about having a halal arranged marriage. My parents eloped! The girl my brother married was with him for a few years and she told us one day she believed in Allah and wanted to be a muslim and they wanted to marry. (He was 19 when they married.)So im totally at loss as how to look - alhumdulilah my family are all practicing but i want to take a different route to marriage InshaAllah. Whats the best way? And when do you know the time is right, maturity wise? I have a very unconventional family, which I know will make it hard for some families to accept me/ (Dad is black revert, mum is pakistani)
Yes I agree, its natural to feel that way after some time. Patience and dua. I think its important to know how to find out about your spouse - you have to be very observant and smart about it. (Im totally clueless about it.) I also want to add that long term engagement I think is best avoided as it can pave the way for a haraam relationship, nikah is better and it can be done with permission and presence of both families, even if they dont live together straight away. (Please correcet me if i am wrong brothers and sister.) Jzk
Assalam O Alaikum brother Mobba,
While I was discussing a few things with one of my friend who is a Hafiz-e-Quran and Masha Allah has good knowledge of religion, it just came to my mind that why don't discuss your situation with him to see if he can help you with anything. In fact al most all of us at certain time before marriage face these issues which you are facing now. I am sort of in a similar situation, so it will help us all Inshaallah.
Brother, try to offer your five times of prayers, recite Holy Quran, and wake up in the middle of the night and offer the Tahajjid prayer. Also, this friend of mine particularly mentioned about Surah QASAS, Ayah 24. He said anyone who is struggling with issues of marriage, companionship and love (halal way) etc should recite this Ayah, and arrange for Tahajid because that is the time when Allah (SWT) ask; is there anyone who want to ask him for anything, any wish, any dua etc. Now, why it is the best time for acceptance of prayers, duas because, it's difficult to wake up at that time of night just to please Allah Almighty. And most importantly brother, do pray for other Muslim brothers and sisters as this will increase the chances of your prayres, duas being accepted)-
I strongly believe this will help you and other brother and sisters including me who are in similar situation.
Your brother MKS1982:)-
Salaam,
I'm really upset at brother Wael's comment about Muslim women it’s really unfair. I have got nothing against revert muslims or non muslim women but somehow there is an emphasis to push Muslim women away or sweep them under the carpet. A lot of Muslim women don’t even talk about this point. I don’t know why they don’t maybe they are too afraid to bring this topic up. I'm a born Muslim maybe in my ancestry there may have been non muslims however it is Muslim women who as mothers give birth to Muslim men and they look after them, feed them etc…..u get the idea then it hurts when you turn around and say …….you know what your better off marrying a non-muslim or a revert because Muslim women are money hungry gold diggers and they aren’t that spiritual...... thats wrong!
Its haraam to fornicate complete prohibition then why do majority of muslim men find it acceptable for a muslim men to date a non muslim women and then bring her to Islam? Why does society make it difficult for a muslim sister too marry a revert? before you say anything and bring up the experience card I’m married to a muslim man. This is what I’ve seen being born and bred in the West and I’m left with these questions.
I don't feel sorry for you at all. The reason is because you are a man and it won't be difficult for you to fill this void because you won't have trouble finding a wife. I have been coping with this feeling of loneliness for years without an answer. It's not that you are incapable of finding someone. You are choosing by your own accord not to enter a relationship because currently it is inconvenient for your schedule. Additionally, because you are a doctor when you do finally decide that you are ready to marry... you'll have your pick; and being a man like you are will probably feel that you deserve the best from the lot.
I have been feeling the urgent need for companionship for four years. I have been looking for six and haven't had any luck. The real question on this page should be how can a Muslim woman find a husband because that is the true difficulty. It is much easier for men than women.
I have so many single friends....and some of them are psychologically drained. It gets so bad that it affects our self-esteem, etc.
Salaam, I know this is a very old post but I was just wandering what you decided to do and if you ever managed to find a way with your thoughts and options?
I'm feeling the same. There's no need to get into a battle of the sexes.
I was myself a medical student and totally understand the dilemma you experienced. I personally left medical school after re-evaluating the purpose of life and deciding a demanding career as such wasn't worth it for me.
This loneliness is one of those things I think everyone experiences as responsibilities and worldly pressures increase...irrespective of our 'ideal partner checklists' and career desires, I believe what we all desire above anything is just to be able to come home to someone who is there when no one else is because no matter how much we want our careers, it is as simple as, working for oneself gets boring and draining, especially in medicine whereby the novelty wears off with time and you realise you are left with a lifetime commitment to your career simply because of the nature of it.
We are in testing times with western and cultural influences increasing the challenges of finding a suitable companion in this journey called life.
Personally, I am still looking for 2.5 years now. As much as I want to fill this void; I am also cautious in not being hasty, the current divorce rates really do make me question many things when a potential partner comes my way! I feel solace can only be found in Dua. It doesn't take away the complete feeling of loneliness but it sure does give me strength when I'm really feeling down.
I pray whatever decision you made, you feel content within yourself. Nothing in life matters more than being happy within oneself. No amount of money, status or material can ever compensate a content heart, mind and soul.
PS. Despite how you are feeling; I find sometimes just sometimes I thank Allah (SWT) that I am single when I look at some marriages. No one ever knows what goes on behind closed doors. As humans we are very well trained to pin a smile on to conceal the pain within our hearts, to tears in our eyes. We only see what we want to see, other times we only see what others want us to see. So don't look at married couples and feel despair (I'm assuming you did, because I did for a long time until I realised it's not at all what it seems by face value). Allah (SWT) truly knows best (''.)
As Salamu Alaikum,
Marriage is OVER RATED!!!!!!!
Take your time to find the right person you want to share the rest of your life with. It should not scare you if you find the right person. I am not saying the perfect person because no one is perfect.
Take your time and be honest about what your are looking in a partner. It does not matter if you are in your 20's, 30', 40's... 90's, do your homework before saying: I DO.
Best of luck to everyone,
Reader
Yeah, it is in the nature in all of us to seek or want a partner of the opposite gender. I mean we came from both parties and became the result of those parties(Mom and Dad) and it is istilled in us to imitate this cycle. Look at this, though we come out as one gender from both parties of opposite gender, we still have that personality of masculinity and femininity. But because we are one gender, which means half, we seek for the other half to complete ourselves. Allah(swt) says He made us male and female from the begining. Basically from Adam&Eve the first human couple, our greatest grand father and mother. So no matter what you do you will always feel lonely without your other half in terms of companionship, relationship, romance, and that intimate closeness. Allah(swt) has put that in us for a reason.
I always like to look at it as symbolic, male=strenght, female=nurture and both compliment eachother. Male=provider, protector, women= life-giver, nuturer. These are all apart of the basic characteristics of Allah Himself. Subhana'Ala! How beautiful! How amazing!
Allah says He had made for everyone a mate! EVERYONE a mate!! And we should never give up on asking Allah for a mate because if we do give up then we disbelieve in love and that love is the representation of Allah's characteristics.
My opinion! So put your trust in Allah and let Him choose the time when you shall meet your wife, the soulmate He made destined for you. If you feel that you are ready spiritually and mentally and you know you ask Allah for help and it is Him you put first then guarantee the wife that He will bless you with would be the one He has destined for you. So if you want to search, go ahead, you may find your soulmate on there. But just remember to put Allah first. (:
May Allah reward you for your efforts in striving for His cause. Amen
Also, Allah(swt) says to us not to fear about providing for our children because what? Allah says He will provide for them. "I will provide for them!" So touching <3 So you should never fear anything if Allah is your provider.
assalamualikum
Iam in a similar situation ....i am 29 and doin masters....only one month to finish....I havent looked for job...I am looking for marriage...I am very lonely...I was not a practicing muslim...but before 3- 4 years I had changed myself drastically...I have started growing beard, doin namaz ...may be not perfect...but I am trying...may be in the process I cut of all friendships as it may ruin my mission...I am very lonely....not at my home...I am looking for my marriage with my my deeni preference as well as my own preference as I had kept beauty as a criteria..but its not happening...y i know it is becoz Iam not close to Allah....but I try....not too much I certainly...but sometimes I completely get out of way and many bad thoughts have been coming...especially there is source of internet nad phone...I had joined some of the matrimonial sites...that sometimes make things worse....please help friends in islam...as i had got no friends to say my feelings
hashim, try also meeting someone through family connections, through friends, through the Masjid, etc. And make dua'.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
The problem is that I have never been with any groups or association fearing that I would become someone of that section....since i feel that no cast no section Islam...talking about my place what normally happens is there will be a match maker...n there is dowry system n all that unislamic things....so I greatly take this matrimonial site good as we could scribble out what we require...I like to have some practicing muslim from other regions also....but it would become a problem in my family as language becomes a problem...ya dua is the best thing I could do....
My husband was in the same situation and he married me who was working and stable and I was patient for 3 years waiting for him to come home and believe me don't do it! Your wife needs someone to provide and protect her and patience wears thin. Fast, stay active, help others but don't put a sister through what I'm going through, life alone even when I'm married. You can't give her all the things that people marry for, companionship, emotional support- mens minds are else where when they are tired and are in med school, finances, a family/kids... You might be physically ready but islamic ally if u can't provide in the u.s you'll be just another person that had a say over her but that she doesn't equally get anything in return. The first couple of years may be great but trust me she won't be able to be patient for that long. It's an injustice. Unless u can marry Anoter medical studuent who has the same life as u, then yes do that!!!
Salam, i have read ur post long time ago and i was searching something today and came across ur post again.. Just wondering if you got married? If not how did you fix this issue.. I am asking this because since i graduated and now working on my RD licence.. I feel like m geting exactly the same feelings from past few days that u described above and not sure how to handle this issue..
-Samia
If possible do nikah n have long distance relationship