Forced marriage is not valid in Islam

hi im a muslim girl im 20 years old. when i was 14 my parents got me married to my cousin overseas (i live in australia). i never wanted this but i had no choice. He is coming out here once his paperwork is done.

ever since i got back to australia my life has changed. i've been doing things behind my parents back. i am angry with what they have done to me. i've spoken to them about getting a divorce but they won't listen.

ive been dating an aussie guy that use to work with me. it's been nearly 2 years now and we are in love. i wanna spend the rest of my life with him but don't know what to do. i've been thinking of running away from my family just so i can have my life back.

the aussie guy is not muslim but is willing to convert. please help me

- sara

Wife battering - No woman should ever accept this or remain in this situation.

Question:

I want to divorce my husband of 8 years. We have two children together. Can somebody please give me the strength to leave him. He is very controlling, abusive mentally and physically.

He punches me in my head, swears at me, calls me horrible names. Two days after I gave birth to his child he beat me. He beat me while I was pregnant. I do everything for this man, I clean, I cook, I take care of his kids, I take care of him, his needs, but when he falls into a rage nobody can help him cool down.

He has choked me, spits into my face, pushes me, throws everything at me. He recently really hurt my back and neck..by pushing me so hard and throwing a weight at my face......why you ask? Because he thinks I'm gaining weight.........tell me is that a reason? I am not big I am just normal, I just had a baby a couple of months ago, I look pretty good. Not for him... he hit me with the Quran in my head.

I am done, done done done, but why do I still feel so quilty that what I am doing is wrong?.  He doesn't want to leave the house, If I want a divorce I have to leave, he won't give me any money, he's going to take everything off my name..  So now what, leave where with two kids? Plus daughter crying for him, please help me feel I'm doing the right thing....

I am a convert to Islam, when I marrried him I was 16 years old, he introduced Islam to me, and I went to borrow the Quran from the library and got chills down my spine, it was so powerful and amazing.

When things are good with us, it is great, we get along, we enjoy our time together. But when its BAD, its VERY BAD......that is why this is very hard.. He has two faces, what do I do? How can I divorce him since he won't give me one?

When I read this back I realize I am a big idiot for staying with him this long, and having more kids with him...

Sister Z's Answer:

Sister...

You deserve to be treated with respect, love and care, NOT the way your husband is treating you. In his last sermon, Muhammed (saw) made a short speech. One of the topics he chose to speak about was the treatment of women:

"O People, it is true that you have certain rights with regard to your women, but they also have rights over you. Remember that you have taken them as your wives only under Allah's trust and with His permission. If they abide by your right then to them belongs the right to be fed and clothed in kindness. Do treat your women well and be kind to them for they are your partners and committed helpers."

Also see:

Quran - Surah An-Nisa' (The Women):
Verse 1: "O mankind! Be dutiful to your Lord, Who created you from a single person (Adam), and from him (Adam) He created his wife [Hawwa (Eve)], and from them both He created many men and women and fear Allâh through Whom you demand your mutual (rights), and (do not cut the relations of) the wombs (kinship) . Surely, Allâh is Ever an All.  Watcher over you."

Your husband is grossly mistreating you and your children through this violent and mental abuse - you must get away from such a person! Admitting that you will take no more of his vile treatment towards you and saying that you want to divorce him must have taken alot of courage on your part. Many women are not able to do this for a long time or sometimes never and sadly allow themselves to become statistics of domestic abuse.

Sister - Allah has given you your rights. Hence you have a responsibility to use the intellect that Allah(swt) has given you to protect yourself and to fulfil the rights of your children. At present you and your children are in danger Sister. You need someone to help you realise your self worth again. If you knew how much value Allas has given women through Islam, you would remove yourself from this degrading situation.

Remember you are here on earth to serve Allah - not to become a slave and servant to your abusive husband.

Do you have any family or good friends whom you can confide in? Do you know anyone trustworthy enough who would take you and children in for a while?

I know you have children so you are worried about not having a roof over your head or any financial maintenance. But sister, what you have described is clearly Domestic Violence and so the law will definitely be on your side. Below are the telephone numbers for the National Domestic Violence Hotlines in the:

UK: 0808 2000 247
and
USA: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) available 24 hours a day/7 days a week.

If you live in another country, I am sure there will be a similar service provided.

I know a sick man just like your husband - he does all the same things to his pious, intelligent and beautiful wife, who has just had their fourth child. He uses the following things to make her feel absolutely worthless:

• sleep deprivation
• hunger
• hours/days of verbal abuse
• hours/days of singing sick songs about hell/heaven
• physical violence (during pregnancy aswell)
• spits at her and in the food she cooks
• says that she has no right over the family house or money or anything
• limits the amount of money she can spend
• verbally abuses her deceased father and other family members
• has also raised his hand to her family members as well
• works from home, so to keep an eye on her
• makes her do exercise even when she is tired and hungry
• doesnt let her see her family

She has been married 17 sorry years and is too scared to leave him because she thinks she will not be able to give her children the same financial maintenance her husband can give. However, deep down I know this is an excuse. Really, she is scared that he will never leave her alone even if she left him and also strangely enough, she thinks she needs to 'help him' - she is obviously confused. His behaviour is affecting her mental well being so much so that she has started hallucinating at times. But she still refuses to leave him and it is so frustrating to stand back and watch her go through this. And moreso to watch her children suffer.

These type of men try to scare you by telling you that they will transfer all the money from their bank accounts and remove your name from the family property and make it seem to others that in fact you are the one who has mental health issues etc. By saying such things, it can only make an already broken and vulnerable woman feel that no-one will be on her side and she will be destitute if she leaves. However the Police and Judiciary system are well experienced in dealing with such cases - they are not stupid or gullible enough to believe everything the husbands say in such domestic violence matters.

If you decided to report your husband to the police, (in the UK and USA), and matters were taken further, you would not have to leave the house - but your husband would. He would also 'have' to provide for your children financially - even if you divorced him. And if for whatever reason you could not afford to continue to living at the family home, you would be given council housing because of your situation. You may not have the same standard of material living that you have at the moment.

But would you rather live in a council flat and have peace of mind, or would you rather stay with your abusive husband, thereby retaining all your material comforts but living a life of degredation and mental/physical torture? And also risk affecting your children emotionally/physically.

Sister - it must be so very daunting to even think of taking such a big step alone. So I would strongly advise you to:

1. Confide in a family member/close friend asap.
2. Seek Legal help - if you know your rights (and you do have many), you will feel empowered. If you are in the UK, you will be able to get free legal advice because you are not working. I don't know about any other country.
3. Go to the police. Don't worry, they will not come charging in to arrest your husband on the spot, as they will want to do what is best for you. They will most probably help you make arrangements for you to be safe first and will take action after discussing it with you. I know this, because I tried to help the sister I mentioned above - but to no avail as she decided not to admit anything to the Police or to the Welfare services who I contacted a number of times.
4. Speak to an Imaam with regards to your divorce/separation matters.

Hopefully you will remove yourself and your children from this situation before this man is able to abuse you again emotionally or physically, BUT if he gets to you first - you MUST report this directly to the police and to your doctor straightaway. Your husband clearly has character problems or mental health issues - he needs to get help and prove that he has changed before he is worthy of being anyone's husband. And this would take alot of time.

You need to take a positive step for your own sake and for your children's sake. God forbid if he injures you badly or even kills you (because that is a possibility), who would look after your children? You want to make your children strong individuals right? Well, you are their first female role model. They will look up to you and follow in your footsteps. You still have the chance of showing them a strong Muslim role model through yourself if you stand up for yourself inshaAllah.

Sis - Trust Allah. When you take that step, it will be very hard and could take months of going through judicial systems etc, but once you manage to get over that steep bridge, you will find peace inshaAllah. Think of it like this - this is your mini-Jihaad. Once you are living in peace and security away from this man, you can teach your children about Islam and serve Allah the way you want to. The Law will also be on your side inshaAllah.

I'm sorry I haven't been able to give you any more practical advice for now, but please email me if you want to inshaAllah and I will be more than happy to talk to you.

Sister Z
Editor,. IslamicAnswers.com

Question:

I hate my Mom sometimes just as she says to my brothers and me that she hates us. . she curses at us, and we take it because we can't do anything. My brother argues back and sometimes I do too but most of the time I just leave the scene. It's horrible living with her. Her threats are knives stabbing me. I cry the pain out in the bathroom.

Anything that happens is referred to her in her mind, "on purpose" that we just want to make her life a living hell when we're the ones living in hell because of her. She says she's the victim, while we are the ones suffering. I don't know what to do anymore... I need serious help before I really break the Islamic rules.

- Najma, USA

Wael's Answer:

Dear Sister Najma, As-salamu alaykum wa rahmatullah,

I'm sorry that you are having this experience with your mother. Emotional abuse is just as damaging as physical abuse, and maybe more so. The sad fact is that some people are not good parents, and unfortunately you cannot choose your parents. Some people get good, kind, loving, supportive parents, and some people get abusive, neglectful, or simply uninterested parents, and that's the way the ball bounces. It's not up to you. It's your Qadr. This is the first fact that you have to accept.

Everyone is tested in different ways

Another way to look at it is that everyone is tested in different ways in life. For some people the test is poverty, or hunger, or a physical handicap. I have a friend who is my age, but he has a disease that is eating away his nervous system. When we were kids together he was very athletic, always riding a bicycle, and later he made his living importing bicycle parts from Europe. Now he is confined to a wheelchair and someone has to help him take care of his bodily needs. He never had a chance to get married and have kids. His life expectancy is short. This is his test, and it's not an easy one, and I would never want to exchange my problems for his. There are so many people whose tests are far more difficult than mine, and when I am feeling sorry for myself I remind myself of this fact.

It's awful when your test comes in the form of the very person who is supposed to love you, support you, and help you through this life. But there it is.

Once you have accepted this fact, and are not spending your time wailing against the injustice of life, or resenting the world, you can start to look at some possible ways to not only minimize the damage, but come out of it with your heart and spirit healthy and strong.

1. Try to get your mom to see a health professional

Your mother may be clinically depressed, or bipolar, or something similar. It's possible that the right medication could help her tremendously. I realize that she probably won't listen to your suggestion to see a doctor. But is there someone you can talk to who she respects, who could talk to her? A grandparent, or an aunt or uncle, or a good friend of hers? They can present the suggestion as if it's coming from them, not from you.

2. Realize that it's not about you

Don't take your mother's abuse into your heart. I'm not saying don't let it affect you; I know that's impossible. But if she tells you - for example - that you are worthless, don't believe that statement or make it part of your self-image. Realize that her behavior is a product of her own illness, or of her own damaging childhood and life experiences. She is taking it out on you because you are the one who is there. But it is not truly about you, and you should not accept the negative statements that she makes about you.

Don't argue, curse or shout back at your mother, as it will not help. It will only deepen her feelings of victimization, and it will leave you feeling out of control, just as she is.

3. Write affirmations and practice them

Affirmations are positive statements that you make about yourself. They are a powerful tool for strengthening your spirit, resisting negative programming, and focusing on who you really are as a human being. Write some affirmations to help fortify your sense of who you are as a person, and to prevent your mother's negativity from dragging you down. Keep your affirmations in a private notebook and read them every day. I really want you to do this. This is a tool that I use myself, and I have found it to be tremendously helpful in my life. I suggest that your affirmations might look something like this:

• I, Najma, am a good and strong Muslimah. I believe in Allah and turn to Him for guidance and help. I strive for excellence in every way, for the sake of Allah.
• I define myself.. Other people do not define me. I am a good, kind and honest human being, Insha'Allah.
• I have power only over myself and the choices I make in life. I cannot force anyone to be kind or respectful to me, but I can respect myself and be kind to others.
• I am an intelligent young woman. I do well in school and my teachers and peers respect me.
• I keep my faith in Allah strong, my faith in myself alive, my eyes on the future and my heart full of hope, and that gets me through each day. I take whatever happiness comes my way each day and allow myself to enjoy it fully.
• I am a dedicated student and a talented writer (or artist, singer, or whatever talents you may have) with a promising future Insha'Allah.
• I am a good daughter. I am patient and loving with my mother. When speaking to her I maintain a positive, independent and calm spirit, knowing who I am, and confident in my choices.
• I am constantly improving and becoming stronger spiritually, personally, mentally and physically.
• I am nutritionally conscious and careful. My body is a gift from Allah and I feed it only what is good.
• I am at peace with myself and others around me. I forgive myself for the mistakes I've made, and I forgive others for their mistakes as well.
• I choose my friends well, always basing my friendships on serving Allah. I am a good friend, loyal and forgiving.
• I am compassionate and generous. I choose to believe in humanity's goodness.
• I am a part of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars. I have a right to be here. My existence has meaning and purpose.
• I am worthy of joy and love.
• I am happy, Alhamdulillah.

4. Tell your mother how you feel in a calm way

Go to your mother at a time when she is in a good mood. Tell her in a calm, respectful way how sad it makes you feel when she says mean things to you or curses at you. It may help to write it down first, and practice in a mirror what you want to say so that you can keep your cool and stay on point if your mother responds with anger. Be prepared for the possibility that your mother may not react well, and may even heap more abuse on you. If this happens, don't let yourself be provoked. Speak your piece calmly, and thank her for listening. If her response is good, it may help your family get started on the road to some kind of resolution. If her response is poor, at least you will know that you made an effort. There is power in that.

5. Try to avoid the abuse as much as possible

If there is a particular time of day when your mother is most volatile, try to schedule other activities, like school or extra-curricular activities, at that time. Join a club at school or do some volunteer work. This will get you out of the house for a while. It will also give you a different perspective on life and may help to keep you balanced emotionally.

6. See a counselor

It's important that you talk to someone about the problems you are having at home. You can't just soak up all the abuse like a sponge and not let it out. Does your school have a counselor? That would be a good person to talk to. Is there someone in the Muslim community you respect, who could listen and advise you? Or maybe a teacher, an aunt, or a friend's parent that you respect? That person doesn't have to solve the problem for you, just to listen with a sympathetic ear, so that you have an outlet for your anger and sadness.

7. . Look for ways to get out of the situation

You might consider applying for boarding school or school away from home if you have the money, or applying for grants (financial scholarships) if you don't. If there is a relative you could live with, and your mother allows it, this may be a good way to get some relief. If you are getting ready for college, try to get a scholarship so that you can live on-campus or away from home.

Depending on your age, you might consider marriage as a way of finding a happier home situation. Just make sure you don't grab onto anyone out of desperation. You don't want to make a bad choice and go from the frying pan into the fire.

The only caveat here is that I do not know your age in comparison to your brothers. If they are younger than you, they may need you around for emotional support. That's a judgment call that you must make.

8. Break the cycle of abuse

This may be the most important point of all. It's vital that you try to follow the advice I have given you here, so that you can become an emotionally healthy person of your own. You don't want to grow up, have children, and pass on to them the same abuse you received. Believe me, this happens all the time. The only way to avoid this is to take steps to achieve your own serenity and peace of mind. It doesn't just come. It takes work.

Last of all, if you cannot find someone in your community that you trust and can talk to, let me know, and I will put you in touch with a good Muslim sister who you can talk to on the phone, Insha'Allah.

If any readers have some additional advice for this questioner, I invite you to post your comments below.

(O Allah), Guide us to the straight path; The path of those whom you have favored; Not those with whom you are angry; Nor those who go astray.

Best regards,

- Wael Abdelgawad
IslamicAnswers.com Marriage Advice
Zawaj.com Muslim Matrimonial Service]]> http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/my-mother-says-she-hates-us/feed/ 1 http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/how-much-of-my-life-do-i-have-to-give-my-mother/ http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/how-much-of-my-life-do-i-have-to-give-my-mother/#comments Tue, 14 Jul 2009 18:58:13 +0000 wael http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/?p=606 My mother has always been an emotionally abusive person towards myself and my 2 sisters..  As an adult, I realise now that my mother suffers from a complex herself, but still that does not rectify or change my bad experiences as a child..  My mother has always taught us of the importance of a mother, and she made sure that her needs always came first..  My earliest memories of my mother is her not speaking to us for the slightest reason (and believe me we were never rude children, because we were too scared of my mother)..  She lived her life from behind us, as she could not face the world.

When we were teenagers, she divorced my father, as we were then old enough to look after her..  Whatever we did, we had to put her first..  She could never, and still cannot sleep alone..  My youngest sister had to share her bed until the day that she got married..  My niece is now sharing her bed..  My niece, who is 16, wants her own bed as is normal for teenagers, but there is no way that this is going to happen as it is my mother's right to demand that she does not sleep alone..  She controlled our lives.

As adults (with our own children and divorced), she would kick our doors open if we dared to close our bedroom doors, and yell and scream and say there is something wrong with us for wanting our own space and privacy..  She would want to attend Islamic classes and then force us not only to take her, but also to sit with her in the class as she could not go alone.. Any functions she wanted to attend, we had to accompany her and even when we were in our thirties, she would inform her sisters (who. have children of their own) that we would fetch them and take them home (without consulting us)..  We and our lives belonged to her. . Her cousins or family would visit and she would force us to stay at home as she could not be alone with her family or her cousins..  She has been a mother for my older sister as she felt that my sister is a lot like her..  She was overprotective of her and would always side with her even if she is wrong..  When I or my other sister had a disagreement with my older sister, my mother would not speak to us for months..  When she does speak to me, she regularly complains about my older sister's treatment of her..  She would ask my opinion on something and when I gave my opinion and it is not in line with what she believes, she would not speak to me..  All our lives, it was all about my mother.

She decided to go for haj and expected us to pay..  We saved money (at that time, we were all divorced thus single mothers with children and struggling financially) and sent her for haj..  When she left for haj, she did not speak to me because I was talking about moving out on my own..  By this time, my hair was falling out because of the stress of living with my mother..  When she came back from haj, my sister (her favourite) asked what duahs she made for us, she replied that she did not make any dua for us as we did not need it..  She did, however, make dua for all our cousins who, according to her, needed it..  I think this sums up my mother's attitude..  We, her children, are here only to serve a purpose in her life, she does not recognise us as adults and individuals..  Even when we were in our late thirties, single working parents, she would say things like "Why are you stressed?'.  "What worries do you have?".  This is while she was the one who was sitting at home supported by us..  She wanted to go for haj for a second time and again we had to send her..  She has always complained about us to her sisters until her sister said to her 'you have very good children, why do you complain?'.  She finally said this much when we were in our late thirties.

In our late thirties, we applied for jobs abroad..  My main reason was to live my own life away from my mother..  My older sister also went to work abroad, but she took my mother with her..  My mother is now old and instead of shouting and screaming and forcing for what she wants, she now cries to get her way..  My sister (whom she has spoilt all her life) has little time for my mother and I do feel sorry for her..  But, I also know that there is only so much one can take.

Last year, she came to live with me for a while to get away from my sister, because my sister was making her so unhappy.. I had to fly her from her place to my place. at very high costs.. . While she was with me, I was completely stressed out..  Firstly she of course slept in my bed..  She criticises and complains about everything..  She wanted everything she saw, I had to take her to the doctor at astronomical costs as she was in a foreign country..  She does not at any time. of the day, want to be alone..  If I have to go somewhere and she does not want to go with, one of my children (whether he likes it or not) has to stay with her because she cannot be alone, albeit 10 in the morning.. .  This is in safe countries where there is absolutely no concern for safety..  When she goes with me to the shop, I have to look after her like she is a child.. .  I cannot walk a meter away from her, then she stands around like someone who is retarded.. .  This is not becasue she is old, she has always been like this, even in our home country..  My sister does not want to take her with her for this reason..  When one introduces her to someone, she cannot say anything..  She only smiles a smile that says there is something wrong with her.

Other than her unhappiness with my sister (nothing ever made my mother happy - she always wants something else), she is living a good life..  She is in need of nothing..  My sister and I jointly provide for her..  Whatever she wants, she gets.. . She is lonely though, because my sister does not have conversations with her..  I call her regularly from abroad to give her an opportunity to have a conversation..  As with everything else, she expects me to call her even more..  I usually regret it immediately, as the conversations are either complaining, crying or talking nonsensical things. She has on countless ocassions sent me a text message to call her as she needs to. speak to. me..  I then call her from abroad and she would cry like a child complaining about my sister..  Then she asks me to call my sister and talk to my sister, which I then did..  Then I have to call her again to tell her what my sister said..  I spent thousands on phone calls..  Still she does not speak to my sister if my sister displeases her.

I have mixed feelings for her..  Sometimes, I loathe her, but I do feel sorry for her and I try in my way to make things better for her..  When she complains about my sister, I contact my sister to try to make things better for my mother..  That has always been my role, to sort things out, to make things better..  The most recent call was to cry and complain that my sister left her alone with the maid (this is for at most 2 hours while my sister went to the shop) and she does not like maids.

I do call her regulary as I fear Allah's wrath.

I have given you a brief outline of my. life with my mother..  I can write a book about it.

My question is basically..  How much do you have to give your mother?.  Are you supposed to sacrifice your life for her?.  Do her needs come before your own and your children's?.  Are you supposed to share her bed until your end or her end?.  Am I supposed to take her with me, eventhough she will be miserable with me after a while ( as nothing makes her happy), even though I will probably be completely stressed out and lose all my hair?.  Will my attitude displease Allah?

- Muslim Sister

May Allah(swt) reward you for investing the time to assist others in need. The problem I have has been a haunting one that I have carried me with me for the past 25 years. First, I can give you some background. I am a convert muslim through my mother's shahadah in 1982. My problem is that I did not have good treatment from her since the time I started grade school until I got married and left her home. What bothers me the most is the way she used verbal abuse followed by physical abuse to control me and my 3 sisters. She would beat me with electrical cords, sticks, switches with thorns on them, and slap me in the face. She would also tell me that I would never be able to take her place as a mother (although I was the mommy figure to my three younger sisters as I was responsible for getting them prepared for school, their hair, washing their clothes,etc.). She would accuse me of looking at her rolling my eyes behind her back when I sometimes was looking in a totally different direction and immediately slap me in the face. She would tell me that I was jealous of her until I began to have serious self-esteem problems. which. made me think suicidal thoughts. She would tell me that I couldn't wear light colors because my skin tone was too dark (even today I wear. dark clothing a lot). The only time I. ever heard the words " I love. you" was when she had money and when that money was. gone, the evil treatment came back..  She would also dress me in 70's style clothing and fix my hair in old-fashioned styles so that I would look unattractive to anyone. She also. accused me of being. gay at a time when I did not not even know the definition of homosexual and when someone finally told me. what it meant, I was completely devastated and just wished she would die somewhere.

I stood beside her through several abusive marriages (despite the abuse towards me) and even wound up dropping out of school so that I could work and put food on the table as well as buy my sisters what they needed for school. I finally managed to escape this by running away but I came back because I worried about my sisters too much. I was married to the first man I could find at the age of 20 seeking refuge. from her and although I am a 33 year old woman with 3 children, I have yet to stand up to her and tell her I want her to stop bothering me, accusing me of hideous things that I neither said nor did to her.

. One of my sisters managed to get therapy as she was accused of being a witch practicing secret arts so much so that she. became suicidal. This has affected me so much that I am not able to properly love my children or my husband the way they should be and I do not want to repeat what happened to me but how do I do this? How do I correct this sick relationship with her and at the same time fix myself. I really would not be bothered with her if Allah (swt) would not have commanded kind treatment towards parents as Jannah lies at the feet of mothers.

Please give me some helpful advice so that if I it is too late to fix myself, I can at least save my children from its affects on me.

T.H. Atlanta, Ga.

My husband and I have began to. argue to the point he says our marriage is over. The problem is that our eldest daughter has started nursery and her grandparents want to collect her from nursery and take her to their home. I do not argree with this because my brother in law, who lives with them, has severe OCD. (mental illness), shouts and is violent towards. his wife, father and mother.. At. present he has been charged with asssult against his wife. He loves children and wants to be near. his niece. To appease him they want to take mty 3 year old to him to make him happy.. This uncle is always cleaning, throwing water and fairy around in a bid to clean around him. On top of this 2 years ago he chased me out of the house with a knife because my head was not covered.  properly. I have told my husband that i will not go alone with our children to their house. I will only go with him and under no circumstances am i leaving my child there alone. He has told me that if i do not let them take her my life will be made hell by all of them and we have no marriage. I am constantly told I am wrong and feel I am going out of my mind. I am writing to you for help and guidance...what is the islamic perspective on this issue?

also the grandparents have taken to turning up at the nursery when i collect her to get us to go around and see this uncle.

many thanks.