I want to leave my house. I'll be 18 in a few months. I can't stand my family anymore. I'm a girl and I know I shouldn't live alone but I can't take it anymore. I've been depressed for as long as I can remember.

My father has been abusing me for as long as I can remember. I've been through all types of abuse. My mother would try and protect me but she's a sick woman. She's has high blood pressure and Diabetes. I know it's tough on her since my dad tortured her for 20 long years.

I can't say I know her pain but seen some of what he's done to her because I've lost most of my memories from trauma and I only have a fragment of memories that still haunt me even today. I can honestly say I've never been truly happy. The only time I feel calm and reassured is when I'm praying. When I can't, I panic and I feel like I'll die. I keep having satanic thoughts and in my mind, unconciously, I even cuss at Allah! I ask Allah for forgiveness after I realize what I've done.

My mother spends half the money my father sends her on my brother. Whenever I want something, she tells me she doesn't have money. I'm waiting to go to college and she doesn't have money. I'm stressed, I'm fed up and I want to jump off a cliff. For her, my brother is always right. I take good care of her and my brother shows her the cold shoulder. She still praises him and treats him better.

I feel like just because I'm a girl, I'm not wanted. Last night, my brother started yelling at me, cussed at me and said rude things about me. I got angry and yelled back. Then I accused my mother of neglecting me and she called up my father and told him that I'm a complicated and a difficult child to handle. He told her, "get her married and dispose of her."
That really hurt me because all I could think of was "is that all I am to them?"

My father married another woman after cheating on my mother. He cheated on her with several women. I did not know this and when we lived away from him, I caught my mother with another man. I was really shocked and she told me it was friendship but she also said he was in love with him and she would leave us home and would be gone with him at night only to return in the morning. That man was married and had a one-year old son. I told her not to do it. I would never let her break someone's home and she promised us to never talk to him again. Then she secretly started meeting him. I caught her late at night talking to him about making their physical relationship even more intense and I called up my father crying and told him everything.

I was scared out of my mind since my brother told me he was coming over with his friends. I'm a girl so I think it was natural. My brother was the one who told me to call my dad. My dad booked a flight and moved the whole family back with him. We thought we were safe but it turned out my father had an affair with a maid he hired and she did black magic on him ( true story, not lying.) It took us 3 years to get rid of her. She tried to poison my mother and my dad was even more violent and abusive than ever.

When she left, he cried for months and started doing drugs and started smoking. He wouldn't talk to us. Anyway, he slowly started getting better, his attitude changed from violent to pleasant and we thought things were finally over. These 3 years were the hardest of our lives. Then one day, at 3 am, my father woke up my mother and started crying. He confessed to her that he was in love with a woman he met on the internet and they were madly in love. They fell in love within 8 days and were getting married. My mother woke us up and told us everything. My brother didn't care but being really emotional, I yelled at my father telling him he was the worst and locked myself up.

I felt like I would go into coma. I told him I hated him. He promised everything would remain the same and even showed us pictures of that woman. She is not attractive but she's skin and bones. Her father is an imam. Things got complicated and he kept torturing my sick mother and blackmailed her that he would not give us any money for our education unless she agrees to him getting married. That woman stayed 21 days with my father in our house without nikah and they lived together in an apartment.

That had a very bad impression on me. I became suicidal and he kept mocking me, telling me I'm useless that I'm stupid and I'll never get anywhere in life. On the other hand, my mother told me "this is why i cheated on your father. You're just like him and you;ve ruined my life. We were happy and you ruin it!" My brother kept firing her up. Even though he told me to call up my dad.

Anyway, after so many hardships we've moved to another city. Life is still tough, we have little money. And my mother loves her cat more than me. If I catch a cold, she doesn't care but when her cat is sick, it's like the world is ending. She's always praising my brother. I haven't eaten in 25 days because I want to save money for my education (this is also for healing scars I have and my depression has led to pre-diabetes which is why I'm on a water fast and it's helping.)

But whatever my brother wants, he gets it. I'm invisible, I have no friends. My mother tells me I can tell her anything but I can't trust anyone. When I talk to her about my feelings, she tells me "shut up, I feel sick right now." I'm homeschooled. And I don't have friends. Everyone hates me. I've just been yearning for love. She asks me for money and never gives it back. My father sends me little money as pocket money and I'm trying to save up for my education. I just want to get a degree then a job and move out.

I've been starving myself because I'm so depressed. My brother is always eating from outside and I get NOTHING. My mum tells me she doesn't have money but she's always telling her cat how much she loves him and gives him luxurious food. She spends a lot of money on the cat and little on me. Sometimes I wonder how she'll react when I'm gone. I feel like Allah (SWT ) is punishing me because I'm a sinner. I've sinned. And I feel like Allah (SWT) does not love me anymore. What should I do? Sorry if it's so long.

~Sylverdreams

Muslimah at Peace

Salaam Brothers and Sisters

Currently I am Christian by birth and family, but I do not practice it. I haven't for a long time. I believe the miracle birth of Jesus(pbuh) but I can't believe he is God. I was taught to serve no other god, God alone. I only pray to God as I know He the only merciful and loving God. I have never felt so sure about anything else in my life.

I have been researching Islam and I know in my heart that this is what God has prepared for me. Everyday I change more and more to become the person God wants me to be. I live in a non-muslim community and it makes it difficult for me. The only info I get is from the internet and on tv. I wish I could go to a masjid to plead my case and get support, but I don't have one near me.

As a mother I also don't know  where to start with my kids. They are still young, but they pray every night to God and Jesus (pbuh). This breaks my heart as they already believe that everything must be asked in Jesus's(pbuh)  name. How do I change this?

My problem is I have 2 kids from a previous marriage and not in contact with my ex-husband, but the kids are. They go visit him and his family. My other concern is if and when I do convert, do I need their father's consent? I have legal custody of the children, but can he stop me? We do not eat haraam food in my house. I'm also afraid that he will feed them haraam food and do haraam things just to spite me.

Can anyone please help with parenting advice?

~Loving Parent

]]> http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/i-want-to-convert-to-islam-but-i-dont-know-where-to-start-with-my-kids/feed/ 12 http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/should-my-brother-marry-the-girl-he-made-pregnant/ http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/should-my-brother-marry-the-girl-he-made-pregnant/#comments Thu, 09 Feb 2012 00:19:06 +0000 misha http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/?p=37828

I need an advice, my brother impregnated a non-Muslim girl. At first we were open to the idea of marriage between them, but the problem is, we cannot take the girl's attitude. She causes a lot of drama in my brother's life and even to us.

She makes scandalous posts on networking sites, she lacks decency in the situation. And usually she causes trouble to people who are linked to my brother's life like his own friends and co-workers and when you confront her she has no remorse to what she did.

There have also been times when she utters unbearable word about my family and my religion. She is known to have a bad reputation; she's the cause of most fights.

So we decided to cancel the wedding, since it will only cause more problems and we are pretty sure they will not live a harmonious life together.

Now here's where the problem arises: since the child is considered illegitimate, and according to the law the mother has the only right to the custody of a child, we are afraid that the baby will turn out a non Muslim believer, since obviously, she's the one whose going to rear the child. We really wanted the baby to be a Muslim.

Now her family will not allow us to have share custody of the baby unless my brother will marry her, what should we do?

Do we need to let them marry for the baby’s sake even though we know first hand that she will create more trouble and problems?

Please help me.

~Misha

Asalamwailaikum,

I have an issue that has been bugging me ever since I found out about it, and I dont know what to do.

My brother had premartial sex with his then girlfriend and got her pregnant. Now he has a daughter who is the age of 2. His girlfriend is Christian which means that he can marry her but he is no longer with her. Also he has been hiding this from my parents ever since it happened because he knows it would break their heart esp. my mothers. My mother is quite exceptionally religious and cultural as well. So this would be very shameful to her and not only that, my brother says he believes in Allah, but really doesn't show it. He has never shown that he is worried about his afterlife. He doesn't even want to acknowledge that this is a huge sin.  Although, he is very much worried about how he will tell my mom , and he tells me he will tell her one day, (which I really dont want him to do because it will destroy her and I dont want him to destroy her).

I  don't know how to act about it towards my brother, should I be supportive and accepting or be ignorant about it? I really do have a close relationship with my brother and I have always been on his side.

I really don't know how to help him because there isn't truly a way to run out of the situation. I know he really loves his daughter and I've seen that his daughter has a great bond with him. He wouldn't want to cut his relationship off with neither our mom or his daughter. What should he do? Or what should I do to help him?  Is it necessary for him to tell my mom that she is a grandmother to his child? Or should he keep it a secret forever? Help will surely be appreciated, Jazakallah kair.
- Moonna

Please need advice and guidance; I came 6 year ago to USA to improve my career skills I met a Shia Muslim guy from Lebanon, we started dating which in my community is OK as long as there is not sexual contact to get to know the potential husband.

We liked each other and start caring about each other too. 
He knew I was a virgin by the time he wanted to be intimate with me, I was curious about his religion and I started asking him about it because I'm a strong believer. 
He convinced me about a marriage that God allows (mutah) and I was naive enough to believe him and trust his word. It had been almost a year after we met so I felt so in peace with this new religion that I was knowing and that every single event had a meaning finally for me (I’m talking about Islam, as I was a Christian believer).

I started to love Allah and the beauty of the religion. I accepted to be intimate with him, I felt protected in the name of God. At that time I didn't know mutah was haram. We started living together behind our parent knowing from our sin (huge mistake from me) he was always consulting everything with his mother and older brother, he hurt me several times when he told me things and then stepping back after talking to his mom because she used to tell him if you did not promise, you do not have to do it.

I took care of him as my husband, he even persuaded me to stop advancing in my career (which later he told me that I didn't advance because I was lazy). Once I tried to walk away from him and he stopped me.I got pregnant after 1 year of living with him. We were taking all precautions but it happened, and in my belief it is a murder to have an abortion, but for him was not as he told me. He convinced to do it by telling me that we can start all over again and make things right for us and our families if I have an abortion. He gave me some pills, and that same afternoon I was devastated. He told me that it is better that I suffer that his mother (I was blind and deeply in love with him, I was young and he has been the 1st man and only man in my life).

I regret every single day of my life what I did, I prayed and prayed and keep praying for the big mistake I did by having an abortion.

Because of a bad experience he had in the place he was getting his degree, he was kicked out of the program which left him with no option except to leave the USA. He told me he was a loser that I should leave him; I told him I was with him for good or bad. He made some arrangements to move to another country, and when he will be in there I should go with him.

First he went back to his country and he invited me to go there, I went to visit him but with lies he did not take me to see his parents. After the 1st Christmas apart he changed a lot.

His family, I guess convinced him that he was to come back to his country (I always told him it was OK with me). He moved to a new country and started working there, he invited me, and I went and visited him again and again. I always took precautions but once again I got pregnant. 
I told him and he was furious because he told me that his family wanted him to get marry to someone from his country. He treated me like garbage, he was very aggressive and told me horrible, humiliating things, like my kid would be a bastard, etc., etc. He even accused me of getting pregnant intentionally.

I finally told him I had a miscarriage because I could not go to be a murder again in my life I already suffer a lot for what I did, I told him that I rather live in hell in this life that in the other one. He believed me that I had a miscarriage. And finally let me alone.

I live by myself in USA whilst my entire family live in Central America, I never ever had again any other relationship with any other man in my life.

My entire pregnancy I spent it by myself in my apartment sometimes crying all night until I fell asleep, I had a high risk pregnancy, I had a surgery 10 years ago where they remove one of my ovaries, and I develop 6 fibroids, I went to the doctor to check on my baby growing fine and not being smash by my fibroids or checking that she was receiving normal blood flow in the placenta every week. When I was 7 months pregnant and because the doctor told me that I was close to be on bed rest, I told him that I lied to him and I was still pregnant, he told me he fell in depression and he started drinking and smoking and not taking care of himself.

After that he was supportive and he used to called me, he did arrangements to put his name on my daughter's birth certificate, he even told me that I can go and live with him for 2 years until my family accepted things because we wanted that my daughter will have the most normal life and as we knew we couldn't be together. He came out with a plan in telling my family that we got married a while ago but the last time we were together, we were getting divorced and that in fact that was what happened.

We were planning not to see each other again. 
I have a strong belief that I cannot destroy the father or mother figure to any kid no matter what and that later in life every kid will grow happy. So as I knew my family would be in closer contact to my daughter and I agreed with him in telling them that. Later, he told me than better if I just go with him and stay for the entire summer. Not the 2 years.

We agreed that he would not be at the birth of my baby to save that money and use it to go and be with him. My family came to help me a week before my daughter was born. After I came back from the hospital he called me and told me he did not wanted to know anything about me nor my baby, and that it is better if I took his last name away from the birth certificate.

I didn't contact him after this, I prepared everything to go back to my country to face my entire family, they all questioning me about him and his roll in my life with all those nasty comments, I kept myself strong and face all of them with a big smile, I took care of my new born by myself.

After almost the end of the summer he called me and convinced me once again that the best was to travel for the rest of the summer that my family and my social surrounding will see that he cares about his daughter, and me,  but my family was very against it. And they told me to wait until Christmas to go but he said the sooner the better. I went to see him.

After the summer we came back to reality. Almost close to December he went back to his country to check on his parents because they are old as he said, he stopped all communication for 5 weeks. One night I had a dream, that he got married, I found out he did, I talked to him, I'm not in love with him any more he was not a good man to me, but he did not do things right, he promised more things before getting married.

I confronted him about what would happen with my baby, he said he doesn't know that he does not plan to see her but maybe yes, I don't know what to do. I know the girl he got married to is innocent and I don't want to affect her, I know that later in life he will wake up and have that bad feeling of leaving his daughter and he will decide to see her because now he tells me to raise her telling her that he is dead.

What can I do? Should I tell his wife and parents and brothers or just cut all ties with him?  I know my daughter will ask me about him what is the right thing to do.

I have made mistakes I repent a million times for them now what to do, I cannot be sad I need to be happy for my little one. Please help me I need an advice, some words no one except me and Allah know what I have been living, I got this site I need some help.

~ Sister A

asalam mailaikum everyone.

I really don't know where to start as this is a long and complicated situation of mine, I hope inshallah you will have the patience and help me out here a bit.

Well I am a muslim girl but have been a very bad one for the past 4-5 years, though I always had my faith in Allah it was always on/off I guess the Satan came in the way too many times, I had been in a relationship with a muslim guy for 3 years we were in love but I had done other bad things before him as well so that caused a lot of prolems between me and him, I loved him very much but he always used to bring my past up and also swore at me a lot and said horrible things to me about my appearance,past etc..

But he always used to say sorry and I always forgave him, we commited a lot of sins together,zina and other stuff, I used to tell him lets get married but he was always telling me he isn't ready, anyway the final straw for me was when for months he accused me of chatting to other guys when it was not true and I begged him to believe me but he didn't. When I had  enough and wanted to go on the straight path as well I ended things with him and got married to some one arranged by my family. Afterwards I found out I was pregnant by my ex's child.  I was terrified and confused, did not tell anyone at first but eventualy told my ex and I said to him I have to give it up for adoption and he didn't agree, neither could he take the child bcause he was not settled or anything, so in the end I had to tel someone so I told my sister and she supported me and said she would adopt my child. Now I have given birth and my daughter is with my sister, but my ex is saying he would take her once he is ready. I don't know whose side to give, I am so confused also my husband does not know about any of this, he is working abroad and if my family know or him and his family know it would bring a lot of shame to them. My heart is heavy with burden I have repented to Allah sincerely and for my family's sake I am willing to work on my marriage as there really is no future for me and my ex.

I also feel so guilty for hiding all this from my husband, I would have told him but just for my family's sake their shame and honour I can't. I worry about my daughters future, at the moment I feel like I will never be able to have anymore children as this will not be fair to my daughter, also my ex texts me and I text him about our daughter but we never come to any agreement. I am being patient but all this is getting me down, I know it to be wrong to keep contact with my ex but I don't know why I can't let him go, please brothers and sisters help me with your advice have I done the right thing by giving my daughter up to my sister? Shall I tell my husband everything?  Should I completly stop contact with ex? I would appreciate all your answers. thankyou.

Asalamu Alikum

I have been married for 7months alhamdullah and have been very happy. Marriage is very sacred to me and I love my husband very much, alhamdullah. However my husband has always wanted children much more than me, but I always used to say that when we are capable of looking after ourselves and are stable then inshaa allah we will proceed to that stage.

However I can see that he isn't happy and that he is trying to make me happy and say its okay and that he will wait for me. But I don't want to make him unhappy so what should I do? I don't want my husband to not love me because I couldn't do something most of the women around the world do.  I want to make my husband happy as I only go to jannah if hes content with me.

please help inshaa allah

Asalamualaikum,

One of my friends was recently told about an incident in the life of Prophet (pbuh) by his father following a dispute. He was told that once, a man came to the Prophet (pbuh). The man was very upset and the Prophet (pbuh) inquired him about his trouble. The man said that he was upset because of his son. The son was disobedient and for this reason he wanted to expel him from his property (or something to that effect). A while later, the son came in the presence of the Prophet (pbuh) and he asked the son if what his father had told him was true. The son acknowledged that it was. The Prophet (pbuh) then held the son by his collar and told him that for his disobedience, if the father even killed him, there would be no blame on the father. (I do not remember the very specifics of this incident as told by my friend's father and if I have misquoted anything about the Prophet (pbuh), then it is not deliberate).

I would like to ask if such a hadith exists, and if someone can explain the rationale behind this hadith. My friend has been continually reproached by his father for disobeying him, although he tells me that he does not do try to do anything disrespectful. His father is strict, and he sometimes fails to live up to his expectations. He desperately needs advice on this topic because if this hadith is indeed true, then he is in deep trouble, religiously and morally.

Jazakallah for you time.

Few months ago I posted a question ("Pregnant by Saudi Boyfriend") regarding my pregnancy and I was left by a Saudi guy after a long term "serious relationship.

Some of you advised me to find out the family of my boyfriend and let him know about the baby on way, so after long days of searching I finally found out an address and a phone of his family.

Asking some Saudis they said that there are not specific addresses and what they do is to send letters or packages by Fedex, write the name of the receiving person, and the phone number, so when the letter or package arrives the office contact them to go to pick what they receive, it this true?

I was planning to send his father a letter letting him know about the situation but I don't know what exactly to say, because I am afraid that he will just ignore my letter and continue the life as if nothing happened. Some people advised me to send the letter now saying that I'm pregnant and in few weeks the baby will born, that I don't expect money from them that I just expect the father of my baby to be involved in his life and name him as he deserve. On the other hand, there are people saying that I should wait until the baby is born to send them the letter plus pictures of the baby. As result of all this advice I am  confused and right now I don't know what to do, if I should send the letter now or just wait?

In the same way, I am afraid of what their (parents) reaction will be because for sure in so traditional country this will be such a dishonor for them, more because they are well known in the society, and they are known as a good family that helps people in need as well. I want to believe that they will be good and they won't left his grandson alone and they will be worry about my son emotional health, but on the other hand the dishonor of their family is at stake and probably they would like to keep it in secret and never talk about that, so they just going to forget my letter and act as if they don't receive nothing.

Please brothers and sister, help me with this because I'm struggle of what I should do and how I can do it. I wish to receive some advice as soon as possible because I'll give birth soon.

Allah ybarek lak.

~Maria_us

Assalamu alaikum.

I belonged to a traditional Hindu family and was very religious since childhood, am the eldest daughter with two sisters and a brother. I stayed away from my parents mostly for studies but used to miss them a lot.

After I grew up, I started working and was posted in a big city. In my office I met a Muslim boy who was senior to me and was moved by his manners, wisdom and nature. We used to discuss about religion and I started knowing the real Islam, way beyond the myths I had heard since my childhood. We used to admire each other also but thinking about marriage was unfathomable due to the barrier between Hindus and Muslims. We both had decided to forget each other and I decided to get married according to my parents' wishes, that is, to a Hindu boy. The marriage got fixed but I was not happy, I did not want to follow the tradition of idol worship any more and also did not want to marry anyone else other than my friend.

I broke that betrothal (not even engagement had happened) and my parents got to know about all this and then started a period of emotional struggle, mental torture and family fights. I was called back home and was not allowed to go back  but my dad felt pity on me and sent me again on the promise that I will leave my job and come back. After going back I decided to embrace Islam on my own free will and marry my Muslim friend and hence I told my parents my decision. After a struggle of one year, my parents left all hope of my return and then got my younger sister married to a Hindu boy she liked. Few days after that I got married with my friend's parents consent.

I want to tell you that I have accepted Islam with all my faith and believe in the oneness of God and have never gone back to idol worship, though my friend was the reason behind my starting to learn about it. I believe that I did not commit any mistake by embracing Islam but my parents do not understand. They say that I failed my duty as a daughter, I have shamed them, they are unable to face any relatives. I am very sad as I could not become a good daughter and caused agony to them but I could not have stayed in that house and worshiped idols after once knowing about God's revelation. My dad and my siblings do not talk to me, they say that I did not fulfil any responsibility towards my parents, lied to them and brought shame to them.

I never got to stay with my parents in my childhood and now also I am suffering. Please help and guide me.

~SkRida