I am 24 years old and have a 2 year and 7 months old daughter. My husband was a catholic but converted himself to islam to marry me. Though my family was against our marriage later they were fine with it. three months after marriage I found out that he was a drug addict. He never could do a job for more than few weeks and he would mentally torture me asking for money. I loved him truly and honestly and went through a lot of humiliation and pain because of his addiction. I had to borrow money from people I know to pay his debts. He pawned everything he could to get money for his drugs.

It was his parents who financially supported us and there were always physical fights and between him and his father because he used to steal things and money. Several times he was taken for treatments and though he promised never to go back to it it was always lies. He continuously tortured me mentally asking for money and making me borrow from everyone I knew. I once took the medicine he was using and was not in my usual senses for days. I cut my hand, burnt myself with his cigarettes and fell on his feet begging him to stop. I said we will go somewhere far away and live if he wants to if being in the city is dragging him towards it.

He even was in a rehab center for one and a half months but he never stopped. I threatened him with divorce but although he always cried and asked me to forgive and give him another chance, he never changed. Once I even went looking for the place where they sold these drugs and cried and begged them not to sell these stuff its ruining my whole life. After sometime they had left the place. During this time I got pregnant and came to be with my mum as I was suffering with morning sickness for all of the 9 months. even during this time his mental torture did not cease. When my baby turned 4 1/2 months I decided to find myself a job because my in laws who were supporting us were in the attitude of I have to take care of him no matter what his behavior was as they were supporting me. I stopped every help I received and did my job.

I always completed my duties as a wife and always tried to help him get over it. I begged him to find a job and take care of me and my daughter because I did not want to work. I wanted to be a house wife and take care of my family. But he only ignored me and said he was trying. In this stage my mum and brothers were begging me to divorce him that they will take care of me and my child. But I loved my husband more than anything and I could not think of a life without him. I wanted him to be a good father to my daughter and for us to have a have a happy family. But things got bad to worse.

He had stolen things from a neighbors house and was remanded and then beaten by the police and I had to look after him as he was wounded. At this stage life was so hard because my baby refused to take anything else other than my milk. I filled bottles of my milk in the mornings before i left to work and was having a terrible time there too. when i come home as i set foot after 08 hours work and crushed in heavily crowded buses after office hours my mum will show me the bottles with the untouched milk as the baby had refused to take them in. I will bathe and nurse my baby till the next day morning without any sleep.

At this stage my father in law threatened me that he will take away my child if i dont take good care of his son. This is when I decided to go ahead with the divorce. I got separated from him and during this period he and his family begged me and promised me they will make him a good man and will give me back the husband i want and the father I wanted for my daughter. But my mother and brother who were suffering seeing me suffer made me firm in my decision.

Although I loved him I had no choice as I felt someday I will have only Allah and my family with me. When I refused to listen to him and when I refused to see him he feared that this time things were not easy for him and somehow his family and friends got him into the rehab for one year. During this time I got my fasah divorce. I was taking care of my daughter with my job and I thought I got over my husband and was able to forget him. But when he returned from the rehab he wanted to meet me to confess and give promises to take care of me and my child. But I never met him nor did I have any kind of communication with him. The time he was allowed to see my daughter while I was away my daughter who knew that everyone had a dad was thrilled to know she had a dad too and she wanted his love.

She was overwhelmed and happy with his presence. I realized then that I still love him too and a great urge to see him and talk to him was emerging. But I am still able to control myself. He has fallen on the feet of my brother and pleaded with him to give him another chance to make up for all what I went through. My whole family says no. That I am already divorced and there is no more chances. They are planning to give me in marriage again soon. But now deep inside I feel that I should give him another chance. But my mum says no way. They will find a good husband for me insha allah who will be a good husband as well as a good father. But I highly doubt that. Who ever it be will never be able to fulfill the love of a father.

I don't want to go through another turmoil in my life. My daughter needs her father and now I am having second thoughts about the divorce. I dont know if divorcing him was the right decision I took and now how can I build up my future with my daughter?? I have no faith in a marriage to another person. But I have to be obedient to my family too. They ask me what guarantee I have that he will not go back to drugs and torture me the same way again. I am now in a state of depression. I have ruined my whole life and now my little daughter also is a victim.

What do I do now?? Please advise me. I am crying even while I am typing.

~Worried

I am  32 from U.K. I  have two kids and I am pregnant with the third child. I felt neglected and cheated on my husband. I got caught and still lied to him about what I did. I falsely swore on my kids and on the holy book.(ustagfiruallah)I have confessed everything now and he says he has forgiven me. He drinks everyday and do drugs. He beats me everyday and reminds me of what I did.

I am pregnant now and truely ashamed of what I did. My parents are in Saudi. He keep saying he loves me and then in anger he will beat me. He makes me swear everyday and asks me if I have told him everything. I still have a few things I have not told him. Those things are not important but I am afraid  if I tell him he will  never trust me again and will continue to beat me.

I don't want to swear on the holy book and my kids again I am praying every day,  it's been over a year now and I am about to deliver my third child. We don't want a divorce.  I feel bad for him and for myself  and the two boys. I keep telling myself its going to be better.

Please help.

~Forgive

"He drinks alcohol..."

I m 35 and have been married for 9 yrs with 2 small kids. My husband gambles, drinks and then has sex with other women. He smokes weed. He also goes to nude bars. When I tell him to quit, he gets aggressive and becomes very abusive. We have not slept together for almost 2 years now as I don't want to, neither does he want to, as he has at least 200 different women around him. My parents do not want me to divorce him. Please guide me in the light of Islam as to what should I do. I m getting too tired mentally and physically. I have tried everything possible but nothing has helped. He thinks there is nothing wrong with him and puts his all blame on me. I have heard from his friends that he was always like that. He does not even care about his own kids. Please guide.

Assalam O Alaikum,

I am 24 year old married women with two kids; a daughter and son. My husband was a rich man and I got married to him, thinking that he is going to protect me, provide for me and my kids, and love me. First year was OK; it all started when I gave birth to my daughter. He started cheating on me, got into drugs; we had to sell everything even the gold that he bought me but he ended up in jail. My parents bailed him out. I wasn't aware of this even though he used to go out in the evening and never come back until 5 or 6am in the morning. I forgave him and thought he will change. I got pregnant again thinking it might be because I had a girl (typical stupid thinking). I was blessed by Allah (swt) with a boy but he didn't change; it made me confuse and angry at the same time.

He stays out every night; ignores me and comes back home like he isn't doing anything wrong. We fight whenever we talk; I am trying so much to keep this marriage intact but I can't take it any more from him. His parents don't want to live with him because he can't afford or save money to deposit for a house as he is busy chilling out. I got kicked out once from his house 3 months ago as he wasn't providing because he was busy with his drugs and stuff. When I came back; I found out that all the money was gone; he doesn't bother about me or kids. He only cares when he wants to be intimate with me; I am don't know what to do? I am scared from this violent environment; my kids will be affected; I feel like he is using and abusing me. He is bullying me in many ways.

Please help

I'm a convert and its been a great journey alhamdulllilah. Married for nearly two yrs.

My husband used to be so passionate about the deen. He is unemployed for a year now and has been using drugs. His parents assists us financially but he uses the money for his addiction. He promises to stop or go to rehab but hasn't tried at all.

His parents are not aware this is affecting every aspect of our marriage. There is no barakah in our lives due to this. I love my husband but how long am I to endure this hardship? I'm stressed out and sick of living a lie.

He does not practise Islam and this has made him unattractive to me. He doesn't fast during ramadaan. I attend islamic classes and was told to help him restore his imaan but he isn't taking advice or doing anything and lately he started watching pornography a lot too, but not while I am around.

He dismisses my attempts to discuss matters. I'm ready to start a family and want to further my knowledge in deen but he is holding me back.

What should I do? I have thought of divorce but think I should try harder before I give up as I love him. But I cannot continue to live like this. I am by the means to sustain myself. What route do I follow? I have been on my mosala many nights crying and praying for Sabr and steadfastness.

-Layla786

Assalaam alaikum, brothers and sisters in the deen, my life is a mess and I need help. I am a muslim , although I am ashamed to call myself that. I am 36 years old, drink alcohol, have a ruined marriage, 4 kids from my past wife and 2 from a girlfriend, I love all of my kids and support my ex partners as best as I can. But my life is dark. I simply find it hard to connect with Islam, for the simple fact that when I was 13 I was sexually abused by a immam at our local mosque. I have carried those scars all my life, it has made me have a warped mind on sex, what it means, guilt for letting it happen, I drink everyday to take the pain away, beards scare me, I hate being around muslim teachers, in the recent months my anger has got so bad that I have tried to track my abuser down via u tube, I want to kill him, because the pain and anger is so bad.

I want to give up alcohol as it has cost me both of my dream jobs in the emergency services, I am a caring person and my past haunts me day after day. I want to go to alcoholics anonoymous but this is held in a church and is run by christians, there is no self help group in my area. Just stupid forums on the internet telling me how haram it is, yes I know that!!!!! But where do I go? I have reached rock bottom now and want help from the Ummah. My abuse was so bad, I would love to get close to Islam but when I read up on the holy prophets marriage to Aisha at 9 it brings back memories of my abuse. I hate my life. I cant go on. Please someone tell me how to untangle this mess.

-aliz3364

Promise me you will always remember: You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think.

Hello,

Firstly, I am a white english lady in my 30s. I was brought up with a Christian background however, as a family no religion was practiced. I always had a feeling of a higher being or god or something more to life.

I used to party, take drugs, get drunk and have boyfriends which was quite normal. Believe it or not. 5 years ago I met a Muslim man from Jordan. He introduced Islam and I started to take an interest for the first time in my life I started to think more about the actions I take and who I am.  I ended up marrying this man, he too used to drink alcohol and we did have relations before we got married. But, after marriage; everything changed. He did and quite rightly so, quit alcohol and started to take more interest in his religion.

At first, I didn't get it and I started to get annoyed as it was so different to my life. Time went on, I had a death in the family and at this point I did begin to pray. However, this didn't last long and I stopped praying. I still went out with friends and I still did drink alcohol as it is such a big part of life. If I said, I wanted to stop drinking,  people would say that my husband was trying to control me. My family did not like him at all and some of them refused to come to my house. It was a very difficult time as I was still living a "Western" life but with a Muslim husband.

We argued and argued, he got very frustrated and did become violent on a handful of occasions. I then stopped having any faith.I just did not get it. I wanted to be considered "normal" with my friends and family.  I wanted to go out, enjoy a bottle of wine, have a dance, fit in. We ended up divorcing which in the end was mutual; I returned back to a life of dating and alcohol. Now, I am fed up; I do not know who I am?  everything, every action I take goes back to Islam. I have stopped alcohol, I had too as it makes me so, so depressed. I have cut contact with any men. I have started to listen to Quran. I have started to go on Islamic websites.

I have started to look at Mosques in my area. I need help. I am thinking more and more about God. I have started to say prayers (just in my head) before I go to sleep. I have started to read more and more about reverts. I am so confused as I didn't want anything to do with Islam, but something has changed inside me; I cannot go back to my life of parties. It's just is not me now. I am becoming un-sociable. I only see my family and close friends now. I do not want to go out; I live alone and I would like to have children and not be alone. How can I be accepted as a Muslim? By my family, friends and especially my workmates. I am quite a weak person and I do like to fit in and be liked.

It's a very difficult time for me but I also feel quite in control. Any advice would be very much appreciated.

Peace,

Aurora.

I need some good islamic advice regarding my marriage. This is my story;

I have been married for a few years and have one daughter. Soon after the marriage discovered husband was a cocaine addict. Living with an addict is like being tortured slowly, I knew that he desperately needed help and he also genuinely wanted help as he did not actually enjoy the addiction (he had side effects of psychosis & hallucinations when he used). He went to rehab and then relapsed after 3 months.

Then last year he went to rehab again. Everything was going well, alhamdullilah, until: part of his recovery programme is to complete the 12 step programme. This is basically going through each step with honesty. Step 4 consists of writing about sexual experiences that have harmed other people.

By the grace of god I was doing something and his book just opened on a page which had my name on it, so obviously I read it. I then discovered last year before he went into rehab he had been sleeping around. I had no idea, because despite his addiction I always thought he was a faithful husband (I know naive).

So I confronted him & eventually he admitted it. Later on the same day he took drugs, after 9 months of doing so well. He was also away on business at the time. He has denied using obviously, but I just know. He still wants help and is willing to work the programme. He prays most of the time and turns to Allah (swt) to guide him onto the right path.

I do believe that his addiction is a disease that he trying to overcome and I obviously am very hurt about his cheating ways.

I just do not know what I feel anymore or what I should do. Can i forgive him for the unfaithfulness?? Can i carry on standing by him through his recovery, despite his relapse? He does also have very good characteristics despite all these flaws. We are both in very good professional careers.

Please my brothers and sisters in islam think very carefully about this one, insha'Allah any wise/comforting words will be much appreciated and will be a solace through this hardship.

-Mariya

Asalamualikum.

I am completely confused, stressed and frustrated. I am 26 years old and I come from non-Muslim background and I met a Muslim guy at my work place and then he became my boyfriend. My boyfriend was guiding me to Islam and it took so long time(nearly 2 yrs to understand the beauty of islam) and then I became Muslim. We don't work in same place any longer. In the past 3.5 years we both have stayed together in same house and we have crossed our limits.

In the last year we both have informed our parents and none of our parents accepted us. My family doesn't know that I have converted and still believe that I will change my mind and marry the guy they show me. At his house they don't like me since I am a convert and I am working. As of now I am staying alone and his mother got scared that he might marry me without her knowledge, hence now she has come down and staying with him.

My parents stopped talking to me since I am not listening to them. Lots of arguments is going on between myself and my parents. I almost lost my parents. My parents tell me to elope and get married and they don't want me stay unmarried cause they cannot answer this society why I am still single? On his side he is staying with mother and brothers (his dad expired 10 yrs ago). But I doubt they will ever accept me. He is not willing to do court marriage also.

I am feeling very lonely these days, sometime  he is not able to pickup my calls. He is either not willing to come out or he is getting scared to spend time with me. I understand that now  he is staying with his family and it won't be the same as earlier. I feel I have been rejected by him. At least I will find comfort If I get married to him through anyways. I have scarified whatever I had for him. I left my parents; left all my friends for him; I left my religion(I did that  for my sake); I left the old ways of dressing; I stopped speaking or mingling with Non-Mahram Mens; I have changed to how a Muslim girl should be. Now  I have no one except Allah. My boyfriend is telling me wait and I can see this is going nowhere. This loneliness is killing me.

Sometimes out of my frustration I blame my boyfriend I lost my virginity because of him. This relationship is only known to both parents and only one common friend. I want to say the world I have become Muslim but my boyfriend stops me and tells me to wait (If I say I have converted, people from my workplace can easily predict who am in relationship with). Whenever he rejects my calls or refuses to come out with me, I am getting hurt and feel that nobody is there. I have become so dependent of him and I am so used to of him.I thought of shifting to some place (like women's hostel) but those places are tough for me to do salah. Hence I choose to be alone. I m ready to do anything to convince his family but they are not ready to accept me. At least I wish my boyfriend marries me without their consent, this is also not happening. Due to this relationship all of us are in pain(like myself, my boyfriend, my family and his family).

Is there any solution for this?

Aslve.

Asalam O Alaikum,

I have been married for 7 years to a Muslim man who was such a good Muslim, father, provider and Husband. I started to see a change in his character 2 years into our marriage when I got pregnant. He got a part time job as a club bouncer and I felt like his faith (iman) was so strong that this would not effect his deen. He told me he hated the job and made dua that he could find something else. He would work minimum wage jobs or part time so he would “need” to hold on to the bouncing job. At least that is how I feel, Allah hu Allam.

While we were both very excited about the pregnancy, he asked me to stay home from work because my job was very physical. By the way, a month aftre that I told him that; I was pregnant and he quit his main job (bouncing). Our aprtment caught fire and burned down so we had to move in with my parents so, he didn’t feel the need to work anymore. As the time passed I gave birth to our daughter but he would never be home. I would ask him about his whereabouts all the time. Now, this was the man that was usually at work, the Masjid or at home. If he wasn’t at these places he was with ME. Anyway he  returned home after the Fajr prayer so, I asked him either you have a girlfriend or you sell drugs? He told me neither one was true.

Well, when my daughter was 2 months old; he got arrested:( So, I finally found out the truth that he was hanging out in the projects selling drugs and I suspected that he was smoking weed. I loved my husband so much that I waited 14 months for him to be released. While he was in jail, I got an apartment and took care of all the bills, my 2 children and brought his daughter to visit him and kept her for weekends, just to keep the family together. When he came home I thought thinkgs would be back to normal and they didJ also I got pregnant shortly afterwards Alhamdullilah.

Then he got a part time minimum wage job and started bouncing job in the club again. We used to have little petty arguments here and there but nothing serious. Last summer a week before Ramadhan I got a call from my doctor saying that; I had contracted Chlamydia. So, I confronted him and he balmed me for it. After a while, he confessed and appologised; I forgave him and hid didn’t tell anyone(like a fool). That’s just how much I loved this man. All this made me nosey and I would read all his text messages at all times to keep tabs on him. Something that I never did before because I felt like he would NEVER betray me. I found out that he was talking to 4 other woman 3 claiming not to have any sexual relations with him and 1 that I never called.

I confronted him and we argued and I was looked down upon for spying which is haram. So, I let that go and then he would pick arguments to leave and I found out that he is in a sexual and emotional relationship with another woman. I begged him to stop and he said he will. Two weeks later they were still talking and they were even in contact with each other while we were at an Islamic conference together for the weekend. So, I confronted him again and we argued. One night I went sneaking again when I asked him to come home and read Quran to the children. He was with a total different woman so I asked him to leave. He  took some of his stuff and left but returned the next day while I was gone. I asked him for a khula and also asked him if I could keep my dowry? He granted the khula and agreed to allow me to keep my dowry.

My question is; am I divorced? Is this it? Is there any waiting period for me?

Also, he is smoking weed and I do love him but I wouldn’t be a good Muslim if I stayed in this marriage. I rather that he fornicate than commit adultery as it is a lesser sin. So, would I be punished for divorcing him? Allah knows my intentions. My feelings are no longer a factor; his deen is at stake. I just want to thank Allah for keeping me firm on my deen.

UmSumayyah83