Family
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August 11, 2007
This question is answered by Wael Abdelgawad, Editor of AskBilqis.com Islamic Marriage Advice, and Zawaj.com Muslim Matrimonial Service.
QUESTION:
Dear Bilqis, As-Salamu Alaykum,
My husband does not like my side of the family. I had a disagreement with my brother and I was not talking to my brother for about two years. This situation made my husband very happy. Now with the help of my sisters, I am forgiving my brother for what he had said to me and I would like us to move on. When I told this to my husband, he got very upset at me.
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Written by wael on August 11th, 2007 with no comments.
Read more articles on Family and In-Laws Problems and Islamic Answers 2007.
Alhamdullilah, I converted to Islam over 10 years ago. I am in the process of divorce, and seek to remarry a muslim man. Given that I do not have family to help me in this matter, what would one suggest? My closest firend is indeed a muslim man (also divorced) It’s weird in how we should proceed - I’m just not sure.
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Written by rebecca777 on March 8th, 2007 with no comments.
Read more articles on Unanswered Questions and Family and Divorce.
September 1, 2003
QUESTION:
Dear Bilqis,
Asalamu Alaikom. I am an 18 year old girl born and raised in the US and I live with my parents and two younger brothers, ages 16 and 14. I am facing a difficult, uncomfortable, and embarrassing problem and I do not know how to deal with it, or even if I should deal with it at all or let it go. My parents are moderately religious. Both my parents pray 5 times a day and fast. My parents, especially my father who is involved in the Muslim community here, has instilled it into our minds that we are Muslim and should be proud and need to follow the Islamic way of life carefully to be successful. I agree with him on this and do my best to be a good Muslim.
My issue is this: I recently accidentally found out that my father has been viewing extremely inappropriate (as well as extremely haram) content on the internet at home and it has put me in a very awkward position. I fear that my brothers or my mother may accidentally stumble on this unknowingly and wonder where it came from. I feel like my dad is such a hypocrite and I can’t stand to look at him! He preaches to us about Islam, prays 5 times a day and fasts, and then counteracts all that with something as silly, disgusting, and mortifying as this? I cannot, WILL NOT, approach him about this subject at all, nor anyone else, as it is far too embarrassing.
Bilqis, what do I do? I have lost all respect for my father, and I feel terrible because he will help pay for my college. I am very confused, upset, and in desperate need of advice. Inshallah I will hear from you soon.
Sincerely,
- Disappointed and Scared
BILQIS ANSWERS:
Dear “Disappointed”,
Let me begin with the following words:
“The truly guided Muslim is fair in judging other people. The Muslim is never unjust and never deviates from the truth, no matter what the circumstances.”
(from The Ideal Muslim by Dr. Mohammad Ali al-Hashimi. International Islamic Publishing House 1997.)
I am certain, as you say, that this possible discovery has been difficult for you! And I sympathize with you in that regard. I don’t know how you became aware of this matter, but even so, especially with it being a parent, you must strive to not think the worst at first and hope that perhaps there may be something you are missing here. In other words, strive to put a positive construction on the matter and think the best, not the worst. This should be your first approach.
Sometimes with computers and access to the internet, information not of our choosing is sent to us. This could be a possibility.
However, if you are certain this is not the case, then you have been presented with a situation that as a young adult may require some understanding on your part as well as forgiveness.
The truth is that we all are vulnerable to doing wrong. Sometimes we may have temporary lapses into a certain type of wrong behavior. Yet, if a Muslim continues to sincerely strive in his/her deen, through salat, and other acts of worship, he/she will be guided away from error, Insha’Allah. The fact that your father continues to encourage you in your Islamic responsibilities and performs his Islamic duties, as well, makes him worthy of your duaa’, respect, and forgiveness.
Something on the status of parents in Islam should be mentioned here:
Allah says, “Your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him, and that you be kind to parents. Whether one or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of honour. And out of kindness, lower to them the wing of humility, and say, ‘My Lord! Bestow on them Your Mercy even as they cherished me in childhood.’” [Isra 17: 23-24]
Further Allah says, “Serve Allah and join not any partners with Him, and do good to Parents.” [Nisa 4: 36]
and:
“We have enjoined on man kindness to parents.” [Ankabut 29: 8]
A Hadith: Abdullah ibn Mas’ud said, “I asked the Prophet [s], ‘Which deed is most liked by Allah?’ He said, ‘Prayer offered on time.’ I asked him, ‘Then what?’ He said, ‘Kindness and respect towards parents.’ I asked him, ‘Then what?’ He said, ‘Jihad for the sake of Allah.’”
So as you can see, Allah (SWT) has given parents a very special status.
Nevertheless, if indeed your father is downloading and viewing such material, it is indeed haram and destructive. Pornographic material has many harmful effects. It may distort the way a person views women in general, it may inject corrupt and un-Islamic thoughts into one’s consciousness, and it may interfere with and even destroy a healthy marriage.
I encourage you to find the strength within yourself to make your father aware that you have discovered this material, and to ask him to stop and make tawbah. Otherwise, if you simply ignore it and do not discuss it with anyone, what will change? If you love your father then you must offer him naseehah (sincere advice), not out of disgust or loathing but out of concern for him and the wellbeing of your family.
You said quite emphatically that you cannot approach your father about this, as it is too embarassing. Consider this: at times when the Prophet Muhammad (SAW) wanted to speak about some blameworthy action he had witnessed, he would speak about it in the third person, that is, not mention someone by name, but just refer to them as he or she. Perhaps you might consider using this method in this situation. Even as this circumstance involves your father, as Muslims, a “word to the right” needs to be spoken to him. This is among the best of things that one Muslim can do for another Muslim.
Another possibility is to write him a letter. That way you can say whatever you need to say without having to confront him directly.
This may be difficult, but as you say, you don’t want other family members to become aware too. If Allah (SWT) keeps the matter secret, you should also. We as Muslims should strive to maintain the honor of another Muslim, as much as possible.
I would sincerely pray to Allah for guidance in finding a way to perhaps, in a subtle manner and when you feel ready, put the thought out to make him aware of the awkwardness and haram (unlawful) nature of such a situation without naming him directly. Don’t feel pressured to do this, but keep up sincere duaa’ to Allah (SWT) for guidance and watch and wait for an answer. Allah (SWT) may resolve the situation in the meantime.
Most importantly, give the matter up to Allah (SWT), strive to not let it weigh on your mind, and continue to pray for your father and forgive his shortcomings, because he seems to be doing many good things for his family. If Allah (SWT) in all His Greatness can continually forgive us, surely we can forgive one another! My prayers and best wishes to you and your family.
Best regards,
- Bilqis
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Written by wael on October 12th, 2006 with no comments.
Read more articles on Islamic Answers 2003 and Family and Parents Behavior Problems.
February 2004
QUESTION:
Dear Bilqis,
I was impressed by your website - it’s wonderful and you are so quick, helpful and effiicient. Inshaallah I am hoping to get married soon, but there is a problem, which may seem trivial. I will be living with my brother-in-law and his wife in the same house. Although this is a beautiful way to bond, it will inconvenient for me as I wear hijaab and it means I always have to cover even in the house. I fear I will find it hard to remain patient and always do what’s right.
My husband and I will both be studying so it may be difficult to move out but tradition will stop him from allowing this anyway, as his dad couldn’t bear to see the brothers part. Another thing, my brother in law’s wife does not cover so this I fear fitnaa on behalf of my husband as he will always see her looking her best but when it’s his wife, everything is limited.
Should I remain patient and hope for reward inshaallah, or is there another way out?
Sincerely,
- Soon to be married sister.
BILQIS ANSWERS:
Dear “Soon-to-be-married”,
Thank you for your question! It is a very good question and one well worth answering. During the time of Rasul Allah (SAW) and even after his death, the women often asked questions of special interest to themselves. So don’t be hesitant to ask questions for which you have sincere concerns.
One of the best and most comprehensive explanations of marital rights and responsibilites I have found is, “The Rights and Responsibilites of Marriage” by Sheikh Hamza Yusuf. It is a 14 disc CD collection on the topic. He goes into great detail on the reasons (from Qur’an and Hadis) behind the establishment of certain legal rights for Muslim men and women in marriage and how it relates to the totality of our lives as Muslims. I strongly suggest you try to obtain this CD collection before marrying. You can purchase it at online bookstores such as Zawaj.com’s online bookstore.
Many Muslims marry without a proper knowledge and/or understanding of these things and problems frequently follow. Allah (SWT) and His Prophet (SAW) established these rights and responsibilities for our benefit, so it is our responsibility to become knowledgeable of them.
The brief answer to your question is that a Muslim man should provide “appropriate” living space for his wife. Appropriate meaning similar to those of like economic status within the society. “She has to have private living space. An independent room with necessary appendages (i.e.kitchen, bathroom) and a door that can be closed and separates her and secures her in her person and her wealth.” This type of space and privacy are important to the overall well-being of the woman. So your concerns are legitimate.
I suggest that you and your future husband seek out this information, engage in mutual consultation (shura) and come to an amicable agreement about this aspect of your future marriage. Extended family living situations are not uncommon in Muslim culture, as would be the situation with the two brothers living together. Perhaps the living quarters could be partitioned in some way so as to provide adequate privacy for you. There are ways to resolve the matter. But “privacy” for you as a Muslim woman is important, because you cover and need to be able to relax your dress in the privacy of your home and also because the adab (Islamic etiquette) that should exist between you and your brother-in-law requires it. The free intermingling with a brother-in-law is strongly discouraged in Islam.
I hope this information will prove helpful. I also hope that you and your intended husband can arrange for reasonably comfortable living quarters. May Allah (SWT) purify our hearts and guide us all to better understanding and practice of Islam. My prayers and best wishes to you.
Subhanaka `Allahumma wa bihamdika, wa `ash-hadu `an laa `Illaaha `illaa `anta, `astaghfiruka wa `atoobu `ilayka. (Glorified are You O’ Allah and I am in Your praise, I testify that there is no deity except You, I ask Your forgiveness and repent unto You).
Best regards,
- Bilqis
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Written by wael on October 10th, 2006 with no comments.
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July 2003
QUESTION:
Dear Wael,
I am a Muslima who wears hijab. I am married and my brother in-law lives with us. My husband has tried to help him in every way to stand on his feet, but to be honest nothing seems to work. Most of the time he is unemployed and does not think about his future and the inconvience he causes for me.
My husband has done all he can, and we cant seem to get him to move out or keep a job. He is a 35 year old, going nowhere in life. I would appreciate any advice you could offer.
Thanks,
- A Frustrated Wife
WAEL ANSWERS:
Dear Frustrated Wife, As-salamu alaykum wa Rahmatullah,
It’s time for your brother-in-law to move out.
Of course families must help one another in time of need. But Allah says in the Qur’an, in Surah 2:273,
“(Charity is) for those in need, who, in Allah’s cause are restricted (from travel), and cannot move about in the land, seeking (For trade or work)…”
It doesn’t sound like your brother-in-law is in need or that he is one of those people who cannot move about in the land, seeking work; rather, it sounds like he is taking advantage of your hospitality.
To tell you the truth, you are not really doing your brother-in-law a favor. Because you are giving him free room and board he has no incentive to go out and earn his own living and build his own family (the true incentive should be his own desire and motivation, but these seem to be lacking). After all, if he can stay with you and eat your food indefinitely, then why should he bother to work?
He has to learn to stand on his own two feet and to work for his living according to the example of our Prophet Muhammad (pbuh), who worked all his life. Aside from his work as a merchant, the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh), by doing routine manual work and sometimes even toiling at such manual labor as digging of deep trenches in rocky earth, set a practical example for his companions and the Muslim Ummah (nation) so that they may follow him and know the importance of hard work.
In addition, I am sure that your brother-in-law’s presence in your house is a great inconvenience to you because it forces you to wear hijab at all times in the home, and it could create awkward and un-Islamic situations with you and he being alone in the home when your husband is at work, particularly because the brother-in-law does not work.
You said that your husband has done all he can, but “can’t seem to get him to move out.” Obviously there is one thing you and your husband have not done, which is simply to kick him out.
Give him a 30-day ultimatum, and tell him that at the end of the 30 days he will be evicted, no ands, ifs or buts. No doubt he will have a lot of excuses and guilt trips to lay on you. If you fall for those excuses and guilt trips, then you have no one to blame but yourself. Make it clear to him that you are not bluffing and that at the end of 30 days his stuff will be set outside the door and the locks will be changed. If you can afford it, offer him enough money for the first month’s rent in his own apartment, so that he will have no excuses.
At the end of the 30 days, if he has not moved out, then you have to follow through and put him out. It may seem cruel, but he is obviously a freeloader and an unmotivated individual, and unless you take drastic steps I suspect he will still be living with you when you are grandparents!
At first he might resent you and be angry with you. But once he has a place of his own and is living by the fruits of his labor, he may be grateful to you for giving him a push. Allah says in the Qur’an that,
“Is it they who would portion out the Mercy of your Lord? It is We Who portion out between them their livelihood in the life of this world…” (Surah 43:032).
Your brother-in-law too will receive the livelihood that Allah has portioned for him; but first he has to go out and seek it.
Best regards,
- Wael Abdelgawad, Zawaj.com and AskBilqis.com Editor
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Written by wael on July 1st, 2003 with no comments.
Read more articles on Islamic Answers 2003 and Family and In-Laws Problems.