August 11, 2007
This question is answered by Wael Abdelgawad, Editor of AskBilqis.com Islamic Marriage Advice, and Zawaj.com Muslim Matrimonial Service.
QUESTION:
Dear Bilqis, As-Salamu Alaykum,
My husband does not like my side of the family. I had a disagreement with my brother and I was not talking to my brother for about two years. This situation made my husband very happy. Now with the help of my sisters, I am forgiving my brother for what he had said to me and I would like us to move on. When I told this to my husband, he got very upset at me.
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Written by wael on August 11th, 2007 with no comments.
Read more articles on Family and In-Laws Problems and Islamic Answers 2007.
February 2004
QUESTION:
Dear Bilqis,
I was impressed by your website - it’s wonderful and you are so quick, helpful and effiicient. Inshaallah I am hoping to get married soon, but there is a problem, which may seem trivial. I will be living with my brother-in-law and his wife in the same house. Although this is a beautiful way to bond, it will inconvenient for me as I wear hijaab and it means I always have to cover even in the house. I fear I will find it hard to remain patient and always do what’s right.
My husband and I will both be studying so it may be difficult to move out but tradition will stop him from allowing this anyway, as his dad couldn’t bear to see the brothers part. Another thing, my brother in law’s wife does not cover so this I fear fitnaa on behalf of my husband as he will always see her looking her best but when it’s his wife, everything is limited.
Should I remain patient and hope for reward inshaallah, or is there another way out?
Sincerely,
- Soon to be married sister.
BILQIS ANSWERS:
Dear “Soon-to-be-married”,
Thank you for your question! It is a very good question and one well worth answering. During the time of Rasul Allah (SAW) and even after his death, the women often asked questions of special interest to themselves. So don’t be hesitant to ask questions for which you have sincere concerns.
One of the best and most comprehensive explanations of marital rights and responsibilites I have found is, “The Rights and Responsibilites of Marriage” by Sheikh Hamza Yusuf. It is a 14 disc CD collection on the topic. He goes into great detail on the reasons (from Qur’an and Hadis) behind the establishment of certain legal rights for Muslim men and women in marriage and how it relates to the totality of our lives as Muslims. I strongly suggest you try to obtain this CD collection before marrying. You can purchase it at online bookstores such as Zawaj.com’s online bookstore.
Many Muslims marry without a proper knowledge and/or understanding of these things and problems frequently follow. Allah (SWT) and His Prophet (SAW) established these rights and responsibilities for our benefit, so it is our responsibility to become knowledgeable of them.
The brief answer to your question is that a Muslim man should provide “appropriate” living space for his wife. Appropriate meaning similar to those of like economic status within the society. “She has to have private living space. An independent room with necessary appendages (i.e.kitchen, bathroom) and a door that can be closed and separates her and secures her in her person and her wealth.” This type of space and privacy are important to the overall well-being of the woman. So your concerns are legitimate.
I suggest that you and your future husband seek out this information, engage in mutual consultation (shura) and come to an amicable agreement about this aspect of your future marriage. Extended family living situations are not uncommon in Muslim culture, as would be the situation with the two brothers living together. Perhaps the living quarters could be partitioned in some way so as to provide adequate privacy for you. There are ways to resolve the matter. But “privacy” for you as a Muslim woman is important, because you cover and need to be able to relax your dress in the privacy of your home and also because the adab (Islamic etiquette) that should exist between you and your brother-in-law requires it. The free intermingling with a brother-in-law is strongly discouraged in Islam.
I hope this information will prove helpful. I also hope that you and your intended husband can arrange for reasonably comfortable living quarters. May Allah (SWT) purify our hearts and guide us all to better understanding and practice of Islam. My prayers and best wishes to you.
Subhanaka `Allahumma wa bihamdika, wa `ash-hadu `an laa `Illaaha `illaa `anta, `astaghfiruka wa `atoobu `ilayka. (Glorified are You O’ Allah and I am in Your praise, I testify that there is no deity except You, I ask Your forgiveness and repent unto You).
Best regards,
- Bilqis
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Written by wael on October 10th, 2006 with no comments.
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July 2003
QUESTION:
Dear Wael,
I am a Muslima who wears hijab. I am married and my brother in-law lives with us. My husband has tried to help him in every way to stand on his feet, but to be honest nothing seems to work. Most of the time he is unemployed and does not think about his future and the inconvience he causes for me.
My husband has done all he can, and we cant seem to get him to move out or keep a job. He is a 35 year old, going nowhere in life. I would appreciate any advice you could offer.
Thanks,
- A Frustrated Wife
WAEL ANSWERS:
Dear Frustrated Wife, As-salamu alaykum wa Rahmatullah,
It’s time for your brother-in-law to move out.
Of course families must help one another in time of need. But Allah says in the Qur’an, in Surah 2:273,
“(Charity is) for those in need, who, in Allah’s cause are restricted (from travel), and cannot move about in the land, seeking (For trade or work)…”
It doesn’t sound like your brother-in-law is in need or that he is one of those people who cannot move about in the land, seeking work; rather, it sounds like he is taking advantage of your hospitality.
To tell you the truth, you are not really doing your brother-in-law a favor. Because you are giving him free room and board he has no incentive to go out and earn his own living and build his own family (the true incentive should be his own desire and motivation, but these seem to be lacking). After all, if he can stay with you and eat your food indefinitely, then why should he bother to work?
He has to learn to stand on his own two feet and to work for his living according to the example of our Prophet Muhammad (pbuh), who worked all his life. Aside from his work as a merchant, the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh), by doing routine manual work and sometimes even toiling at such manual labor as digging of deep trenches in rocky earth, set a practical example for his companions and the Muslim Ummah (nation) so that they may follow him and know the importance of hard work.
In addition, I am sure that your brother-in-law’s presence in your house is a great inconvenience to you because it forces you to wear hijab at all times in the home, and it could create awkward and un-Islamic situations with you and he being alone in the home when your husband is at work, particularly because the brother-in-law does not work.
You said that your husband has done all he can, but “can’t seem to get him to move out.” Obviously there is one thing you and your husband have not done, which is simply to kick him out.
Give him a 30-day ultimatum, and tell him that at the end of the 30 days he will be evicted, no ands, ifs or buts. No doubt he will have a lot of excuses and guilt trips to lay on you. If you fall for those excuses and guilt trips, then you have no one to blame but yourself. Make it clear to him that you are not bluffing and that at the end of 30 days his stuff will be set outside the door and the locks will be changed. If you can afford it, offer him enough money for the first month’s rent in his own apartment, so that he will have no excuses.
At the end of the 30 days, if he has not moved out, then you have to follow through and put him out. It may seem cruel, but he is obviously a freeloader and an unmotivated individual, and unless you take drastic steps I suspect he will still be living with you when you are grandparents!
At first he might resent you and be angry with you. But once he has a place of his own and is living by the fruits of his labor, he may be grateful to you for giving him a push. Allah says in the Qur’an that,
“Is it they who would portion out the Mercy of your Lord? It is We Who portion out between them their livelihood in the life of this world…” (Surah 43:032).
Your brother-in-law too will receive the livelihood that Allah has portioned for him; but first he has to go out and seek it.
Best regards,
- Wael Abdelgawad, Zawaj.com and AskBilqis.com Editor
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Written by wael on July 1st, 2003 with no comments.
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