I live with my husband and his brother so I have to wear hijab all the time.

February 2004

QUESTION:

Dear Bilqis,

I was impressed by your website - it’s wonderful and you are so quick, helpful and effiicient. Inshaallah I am hoping to get married soon, but there is a problem, which may seem trivial. I will be living with my brother-in-law and his wife in the same house. Although this is a beautiful way to bond, it will inconvenient for me as I wear hijaab and it means I always have to cover even in the house. I fear I will find it hard to remain patient and always do what’s right.

My husband and I will both be studying so it may be difficult to move out but tradition will stop him from allowing this anyway, as his dad couldn’t bear to see the brothers part. Another thing, my brother in law’s wife does not cover so this I fear fitnaa on behalf of my husband as he will always see her looking her best but when it’s his wife, everything is limited.

Should I remain patient and hope for reward inshaallah, or is there another way out?

Sincerely,

- Soon to be married sister.

BILQIS ANSWERS:

Dear “Soon-to-be-married”,

Thank you for your question! It is a very good question and one well worth answering. During the time of Rasul Allah (SAW) and even after his death, the women often asked questions of special interest to themselves. So don’t be hesitant to ask questions for which you have sincere concerns.

One of the best and most comprehensive explanations of marital rights and responsibilites I have found is, “The Rights and Responsibilites of Marriage” by Sheikh Hamza Yusuf. It is a 14 disc CD collection on the topic. He goes into great detail on the reasons (from Qur’an and Hadis) behind the establishment of certain legal rights for Muslim men and women in marriage and how it relates to the totality of our lives as Muslims. I strongly suggest you try to obtain this CD collection before marrying. You can purchase it at online bookstores such as Zawaj.com’s online bookstore.

Many Muslims marry without a proper knowledge and/or understanding of these things and problems frequently follow. Allah (SWT) and His Prophet (SAW) established these rights and responsibilities for our benefit, so it is our responsibility to become knowledgeable of them.

The brief answer to your question is that a Muslim man should provide “appropriate” living space for his wife. Appropriate meaning similar to those of like economic status within the society. “She has to have private living space. An independent room with necessary appendages (i.e.kitchen, bathroom) and a door that can be closed and separates her and secures her in her person and her wealth.” This type of space and privacy are important to the overall well-being of the woman. So your concerns are legitimate.

I suggest that you and your future husband seek out this information, engage in mutual consultation (shura) and come to an amicable agreement about this aspect of your future marriage. Extended family living situations are not uncommon in Muslim culture, as would be the situation with the two brothers living together. Perhaps the living quarters could be partitioned in some way so as to provide adequate privacy for you. There are ways to resolve the matter. But “privacy” for you as a Muslim woman is important, because you cover and need to be able to relax your dress in the privacy of your home and also because the adab (Islamic etiquette) that should exist between you and your brother-in-law requires it. The free intermingling with a brother-in-law is strongly discouraged in Islam.

I hope this information will prove helpful. I also hope that you and your intended husband can arrange for reasonably comfortable living quarters. May Allah (SWT) purify our hearts and guide us all to better understanding and practice of Islam. My prayers and best wishes to you.

Subhanaka `Allahumma wa bihamdika, wa `ash-hadu `an laa `Illaaha `illaa `anta, `astaghfiruka wa `atoobu `ilayka. (Glorified are You O’ Allah and I am in Your praise, I testify that there is no deity except You, I ask Your forgiveness and repent unto You).

Best regards,

- Bilqis

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Written by wael on October 10th, 2006 with no comments.
Read more articles on Islamic Answers 2004 and Marriage and In-Laws Problems.

I am a Christian woman marrying a Muslim but I have no idea how to plan the wedding ceremony

September 2004

This question is answered by Wael Abdelgawad, the Zawaj.com Editor and Administrator.

QUESTION:

Dear Bilqis,

I am a 34 year old Christian woman with an 8 year old daughter. We have met the most beautiful soul that in my heart I have fallen in love with. He is a Muslim. We desire to marry and I have no idea on how to even get started being that I am not a Muslim. I do respect his wishes and they are to marry in the eyes of God but of the Islamic faith. Can you advise me on where to get started and how?

Please and thank you,

- T.W.

WAEL ANSWERS:

Dear T.W.,

Congratulations on your upcoming marriage. May Allah make it happy, blessed and fruitful.

An Islamic wedding should be held either at the local mosque (many mosques have large rooms or halls for lectures, dinners, weddings and other events), or more commonly at another location such as a hotel, a park, etc. The ceremony should be officiated by the local Imam (the local Muslim religious leader). He will recite from the Qur’an and give a short talk about marriage, and then he will ask you both if you accept one another as husband and wife.

Ideally your parents, especially your father, should be there to assent also. The groom should pay you a marriage gift or dowry (what we call a mahr in Arabic). It can be money or anything of significant value, but should be an amount agreed on by both of you. The Imam might also present you with a religious marriage certificate to sign. Both of you will sign it, the Imam will sign it, and it will be signed by at least two Muslim witnesses.

If the family and guests are more conservative then guests should be grouped by gender, for example with women on one side of the room and men on the other. The bride’s gown should be as modest as possible, and guests (particularly women) should be asked to dress modestly, i.e. no form-fitting dresses or open backs.

Of course the ceremony should be followed by a waleemah, which is the wedding reception or banquet. However, alcohol should not be served.

The entire marriage ceremony and banquet should be modest and within the couple’s means. It is not the Islamic way to spend lavish sums of money or to go into debt to pay for the marriage.

Lastly, the couple should be sure to also get a civil marriage certificate at the local government office.

There are several few articles on our site that can give you more information. Please see Zawaj.com’s Articles page, and look at the section on Weddings in Islam.

In particular see Zawaj.com’s article, “Marriage Ceremony in Islam: the Basics”, which is extracted from a handbook on marriage issued by the Islamic Society of North America (ISNA).

As a final note, since you are a Christian I think it’s important that you and your future husband discuss the issue of religious practices in the home. Your husband may expect the house to be maintained as an Islamic environment (for example, no alcohol, no pork, no un-Islamic symbols or images on the walls). Almost certainly he will expect that any children the two of you have together will be raised as Muslims. I think it’s important to discuss these issues and even put them in writing so that there will be no misunderstandings or conflicts later on.

Best regards and best wishes on your marriage,

- Wael Hesham Abdelgawad, Editor

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Written by wael on October 10th, 2006 with 1 comment.
Read more articles on Islamic Answers 2004 and Religion and Weddings.