recently my sister and i had contact with him and we have been trying to talk to him and be friendly in the hope that he would realise he did wrong and return. He is now 26 yrs old and we have found out that he is really into the church scene and is also engaged to marry the priest daughter at the end of the year. He seems to think that since we are brother and sister and we have the same blood so we should be accepting of him no matter what he is..... plz help. what do i do. i know i shouldnt leave him like that but what do i do?

I need some advice very desperately.
I have had very strong feelings for a girl, for the last 4 years now. We have talked and planned that we will get married after I am financially stable, and after she has finished her studies.

However our parents were not ok with it. In the beginning, we thought we could get around that issue when the time comes. However recently, I think she did some more reading up on it or something, anyway, she decides that she will not pursue any kind of relationship with me, and would not get married unless our parents were ok with it.

So I talked to my mother, and I explained to her the situation, and I asked her what should I do. And she told me that if I am financially stable, and if she graduates, then there will be only happiness and blessings wished for us, from my parents side.

Not only that I spoke to her mom as well, and even she assured me that if all those conditions are met, then she will be very happy for us.

Now when I bring this news to the girl, she says ok, if my parents and your parents are ok with it after all that is done, then yes i will marry you. But here is where I am having trouble, you see I ask her, ok, i understand that, but what about you, what do you want, Im not asking what your parents want now, I just want to know if you still have feelings for me, do you want to marry me? And she will not answer me directly, saying that it is up to her parents, and that we cannot make right decisions or choices, Allah (SWT) knows best.

I am not arguing that, ofcourse Allah (SWT) knows best, but isnt this the difference between men and animals? Islam was built around this attribute wasnt it? that its followers are so completely free to make theyre own choices? so how can she say that we cannot make our own choices?

Also she said that since it is wrong to have feelings for a non mahram, she has erased all feelings for me, and that there can be love only after marriage. I am very distressed about this. I am not talking abt a physical relationship, We live continents apart, that would not even get the chance of happening, but how can this be? we know each other since 4 years, we know each other better than anyone else. And now I feel so lost, I do not know how i feel abt marrying someone who first of all can manage to earse all feelings for me, and on top that, Im not even sure I want to marry sumone who has no feelings for me.

Please help me, advise me, and if not, at least talk to me, I need someone to talk to me about this very badly.

Thanks.

Tanvir, from UK

This question is answered by Wael Abdelgawad, Editor of IslamicAnswers.com Islamic Marriage Advice, and Zawaj.com Muslim Matrimonial Service.

QUESTION:

Dear Wael, As-Salamu Alaykum,

My husband does not like my side of the family. I had a disagreement with my brother and I was not talking to my brother for about two years. This situation made my husband very happy. Now with the help of my sisters, I am forgiving my brother for what he had said to me and I would like us to move on. When I told this to my husband, he got very upset at me.

He is not treating me nice anymore. He barely talks to me. Please help me. What should I do? I have been married for 16 years and have two children.

- Sister H.S. from United States

WAEL ANSWERS:

Dear Sister H.S., Wa Alaykum as-salamu wa rahmatullah,

My Own Experience

Recently my wife's father came to visit. He's not Muslim and he'll never read this, so I think I can share this story safely

I found him drinking beer in the house, and I said to him very politely, "I'm sorry, we don't allow alcohol in the house."

He became very angry with me. He said that I was making him feel unwelcome, and that he doesn't trust me, and that I am abusing him. I tried to be very calm and speak to him nicely, telling him, "You are welcome here," etc. But the more I spoke to him calmly, the more angry he got. He began shouting, saying, "Your religion (Islam) is ridiculous, it has too many rules, it doesn't make any sense." Then he left.

A few days later he apologized. Still, we were very uncomfortable with him and my wife did not speak to him for a few months. Finally I said to her, "You should call your father."

She said, "I'm uncomfortable, I don't want to talk to him."

I told her, "If it was a friend or acquaintaince who spoke to me that way, I would cut him off and never speak to him again. But you can't do that with your family. You have to forgive them and move on."

Forgiving Your Family

Forgiving him doesn't meant that what he said is ok, or that it doesn't hurt my feelings. It does. But he is her father. He cared for her when she was small, he raised her, he worked to give her food and shelter. So you have to forgive his mistakes. That's the Islamic way.

Showing compassion to your family membes is doubly important because family members are more likely to offend you. Because they are family, they feel they have the right to criticize you, and they speak to you more honestly about their feelings. They have more invested in you emotionally and they take your actions more personally, so they are more prone to get upset when they feel you are making a bad life choice.

If we cut off our family members every time they offended us, it wouldn't take very long until we found ourselves completely isolated. Hopefully our families will forgive our mistakes in the same way, and be compassionate with us.

The Obligations of Silat-ur-Rahm

It is required in Islam to maintain ties with our families. In Islam this is called Silat-ur-Rahm and it is a fundamental principle of family relationships.

I want to refer you to an article published on Zawaj.com:

The Importance of Kinship in Islam by Khalid Baig

Please read it. As the article mentions, the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said:

"Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day, let him maintain the bonds of kinship." [recorded in Sahih Al-Bukhari]

And he (the Prophet) said:

"There is no sin more deserving of having punishment meted out by Allah to its perpetrator in advance in this world along with what He stores up for him in the next world than oppression and severing ties of family." [recorded in At-Tirmidhi]

What About Abusive Family Members?

Must we maintain a relationship even with those relatives who do not treat us kindly? The article on Zawaj.com quotes Shaikh Abdul Wakil Durubi in Reliance of the Traveller:

"Silatur-rahm has been defined as politeness, kind treatment, and concern for all one's relatives even if distantly related, corrupt, non-Muslim, or unappreciative."

Of course we must not aid anyone in performing corruption, nor should we subject ourselves to continuing physical or psychological abuse. If our relatives are corrupt, for example, then maintaining the silat-ur-rahm allows us to be a positive, reforming influence.

I am sure that Shaikh Durubi is not saying that we must maintain a close friendship with relatives who are corrupt or abusive. We simply must meet our Islamic familial obligations: to inquire after their well being, to be polite with them, to help them in times of need, to care for the orphans and look after the elderly. Aside from that, we are not required to have intimate dealings with them.

Address Your Husband's True Objections

In your case, I feel like I'm not getting the full story. You've been married sixteen years and your husband does not like any of your side of the family. This problem with your brother goes back only two years. Clearly your husband's objection to your side of the family is longstanding and deeply ingrained, and is not limited to this recent problem with your brother.

I'm not saying there's any justification for trying to cut you off from your family, or blackmailing you emotionally so that you cut them off yourself. But if you can figure out what your husband's true problem is with your family, perhaps the problem can be addressed. I'm not optimistic about it, but you never know.

At the very least, your husband needs to get over his objections and accept your relationship with your family. Maintaining a good relationship with all family members is a strict Islamic obligation. Your husband does not have the authority or the right to demand that you should ignore this obligation.

If any readers have some additional advice for this questioner, feel free to post your comments below.

"(O Allah), Guide us to the straight path; The path of those whom you have favored; Not those with whom you are angry; Nor those who go astray."

Best regards,

- Wael Hesham Abdelgawad, Administrator
IslamicAnswers.com Islamic Marriage Advice
ZAWAJ.COM Muslim Matrimonials and More!

Book of Muslim names

QUESTION:

I am a Hindu girl born and raised in Kuwait. I have been exposed to different cultures growing up and that has instilled in me a lot of religious tolerance. I am also very familiar with Islam and have chosen to marry my best friend - a Muslim.

I have accepted to convert to Islam and my question is - Do I have to change my name if I convert? My name means "moral" and I believe if your name is does not go against Islam you do not need to change it?

- Nita from Kuwait

WAEL'S ANSWER:

Dear Nita,

Congratulations on your decision to embrace Islam. Try to keep it in your heart that this is something you are doing for Allah, so that your intentions will be pure and you can enter into Islam with an open heart. Congratulations also on your decision to marry your friend. I assume your families have already approved?

You are correct about the name. Your name, Nita, apparently means, "guided, correct, modest."

In light of this, it is not required to change it.

See this article on Zawaj.com for more information:

New Convert: is Changing Name Necessary?

However, I think there are advantages to changing the name even if it is not required:

1. It reminds you that in embracing Islam, you have purified your soul and begun a new way of life, with a new commitment to Allah, leaving behind your Hindu beliefs and practices.|
2. You can choose a name that embodies the qualities that you want for yourself, or you can honor a great woman from the Qur'an or one of the Sahabah (companions of the Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him).
3. You don't have to deal with questions from people who are confused about the disparity between your name and religious identity. But this last point is the least important by far.

The choice is entirely yours. No one should pressure you or make you feel guilty about changing your name.

Do Not Change the Last Name

It's important to note that you must not change your family name (your last name).

The Qur'an says,

"Call them by (the names of) their father's, that is more just in the sight of Allah..." (Al-Ahzab 33:5)

And the Messenger of Allah (pbuh) emphasized this by saying,

"He who knowingly attributed his fatherhood to someone other than his real father will be excluded from paradise." (Bukhari, Muslim, Abu Dawood)

This applies equally to converts and to women who are marrying, since assuming the husband's name upon marriage is not an Islamic custom.

See this article on Zawaj.com for more information about the Islamic naming system in general:

The Naming System in Islam

If any readers have some additional advice for this questioner, feel free to post your comments below.

"(O Allah), Guide us to the straight path; The path of those whom you have favored; Not those with whom you are angry; Nor those who go astray."

Best regards,

- Wael Hesham Abdelgawad, Editor
IslamicAnswers.com
ZAWAJ.COM Muslim Matrimonials and More!

Dear Wael,

This may be very weird, because I have never told this to anyone before, but I feel very depressed. As a Muslim I know killing myself is the biggest sin a person can commit, but I feel like hurting myself. I am 20 years old female and I hate my life...

I need help, advice.. I've sinned a lot, maybe thats why I feel this way. Alhumdulillah I don't drink and never will, no clubbing, no drugs, but I've had boyfriends that I went too far with. I'm a wreck, a shame to society. How can I get to the right path. Wondering if you may help me?

- Sister F. from England

Wael's Answer:

Dear Sister F., As-Salamu alaykum wa rahmatullah,

First, Consult a Professional

As a sister pointed out in the comments below:

"One of the leading causes of suicide is from untreated and undiagnosed clinical mental illness. If you are depressed, and are truly suicidal, you should consult a psychiatrist or a primary care physician as soon as possible."

So the first thing you should do is see your doctor and talk about the feelings you are having. Your doctor can refer you to someone who can help you deal with these feelings in an appropriate way. If you are clinically depressed, meaning there is something wrong with your brain chemistry that is causing your depression, there may be a medication that can make a huge difference for you. There's nothing wrong or shameful about this, any more than it would be if it were medication for a heart condition.

You are unique and precious

Now I want to talk about suicide from a religious perspective. Why do I get emails from young Muslims who talk about killing themselves? Where does this come from? I find this very frustrating, and I'm angry, not at these young brothers and sisters, but that our young Muslims today are being put in such difficult positions that they begin to harbor such thoughts.

To you young people who are experiencing difficulty in your lives, try to be strong and remind yourselves of all the wonderful things in life. You must know that your life has meaning and purpose. Allah put you here on this earth for a reason. You are a unique person, the only one of your kind in the universe, and as such you are a treasure. Just as Allah created the stars, the oceans, and the majestic trees, He created you. And in fact you dwarf them, because you are a creature of complexity and free will.

Life is short enough

Life is short enough already.. The Messenger of Allah (pbuh) said that he was in this world like a rider who stopped to rest in the shade of a tree, then went on and left it behind.

We are like the flowers that bloom when the spring rain falls, then die. Our lives are that short, that quickly over. How many thousands of generations have passed before us, and where are they now?

With life so short, it is precious. It's a chance to please Allah and do good deeds, and earn our spot in Jannah, Insha'Allah. No need to end our own lives and speed our way to the punishment of Hell. It's better to do whatever we have to do in order to change our lives. Even if we have to make drastic changes, isn't it better to live, and see another sunrise, and have hope?

Suicide is not our way

Remember, we are Muslims, we do not kill ourselves! That is not our way.

Suicide is the way of some kuffar who have nothing to turn to in this life, and nothing to look forward to in the aakhirah (the hereafter). They are people who have built their lives on foundations of empty consumerism, mounting debt, drugs and alchohol, and other things that have no substance and do not comfort the soul.

We Muslims have the mercy and forgiveness of Allah on the one hand - Allah is always ready to forgive His repenting servants - and we have the awareness of Jannah and Jahannam (Paradise and Hell) on the other hand.

I am getting these types of questions with too much frequency, and it indicates a fundamental lack of understanding among our young people about how to solve life problems, and about the nature of their relationships with Allah.

Tools for Changing Our Lives

In Islam we have many wonderful tools for changing our lives and renewing our commitment to faith. We have Tawbah (repentance) that can be performed anytime; the daily cleansing of Salat; the powerful purification of Ramadan; the good feeling and reward that comes from giving Zakat and Sadaqah (charity) to those who are less fortunate; and the life-changing spiritual renewal of the Hajj.

Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala does not restrict His interaction with humanity to making rules and punishing sinners. Allah is there at any time to hear our prayers, to offer us forgiveness and guidance, and to help us. When we have problems in life, we must turn to Allah and seek solace. Allah will help us and give us the strength and peace we need.

8-Point Plan for Change

So Sister F., I have gone on for several paragraphs without addressing your question specifically, but I hope you have understood that before anything else, you must put this idea of suicide out of your head. That is not our way as Muslims. We have many resources and solutions to our problems.

I will lay out a specific plan for you to follow in order to refresh your heart and renew your faith:

1. Tawbah. Yes, you have committed sins, just like every single human being on the face of the earth, except for the Prophets and Messengers. But we Muslims have a great gift, which is that we can cleanse ourselves through Tawbah. You must stop committing the sin right away, ask Allah for forgiveness, and resolve firmly not to do it again.

2. Salat and Dua'. Start doing your salat. If you can't manage five times a day, do as many as you can. If you don't know how to do the salat, get a religious sister to teach you. Don't worry right now about learning every aspect of Islam. Just focus on salat. Imagine that Allah is in front of you, and ask Him for forgiveness. Remember that the salat is a river in which you bathe five times every day, and it washes away your sins.

Share your burdens with Allah. Ask Him to help you and make your life easier. The Quran says, "Whoever is conscious of Allah, Allah makes for him a way out, and provides for him from a direction he does not expect." Allah can help you solve your problems and find your way to a better life.

3. Ramadan. Start getting yourself ready mentally and spiritually for Ramadan. It's never more than 11 months away, and never too early to begin preparing for it. Think of it as an opportunity to cleanse your soul and strengthen your spirit. Make a plan to spend your Ramadan as much as possible around people of strong faith who will support you.

4. Change Your Self-Image. You wrote, "I'm a wreck, a shame to society, I hate my life..." To change your life, you must change the way you think about yourself. When you tell yourself that you are a mess, a shame, etc, you are creating a destructive self-image that stops you from changing.

Try this: anytime you find yourself thinking negative thoughts about yourself, I want you to push the negative thoughts away and instead repeat these self-affirmations (write them down if necessary and carry them with you). I made up these affirmations based on Islamic principles. I have used them in the past for myself, and I have found them to be very effective:

1. I am a Muslim. Islam is my faith and my cherished way of life. I choose Islam because it is beautiful and true. (You can also say the shahadah here).
2. I am a believer in Allah (a mu'min). Allah is my guide and the One in whom I trust. (At this point you can praise Allah further and ask Him for strength and guidance).
3. I am a good and worthwhile person. I have many good qualities, ma-sha-Allah. (At this point, name some of your good qualities).
4. I have the power to change my life for the better, with Allah's help.
5. I thank Allah for all the blessings in my life. (At this point, name some of the blessings in your life and thank Allah for each one).

Say these affirmations out loud at least once every day, and if you can do them twice a day (once in the morning and once at night) that's even better. Insert your name after you say "I", so for example, if you name is Fatima, you would say, "I, Fatimah, am a Muslim." Same for all the other points. Say them out loud, and mention your name.

Regarding point number three, some people might say, "But I have no good qualities." That's nonsense. Everyone has good qualities. Maybe you're a loyal friend, maybe you're kind to animals, maybe you're a good cook or a good writer. The point is to always find something good to say about yourself.

Regarding point number five, the blessings that you name in your life could be big or small: good health, food to eat, the sunshine on your face, and of course Islam itself is the biggest blessing of all.

Perhaps this sounds like some kind of charm, but it's not. It's a way of changing your self-image by programming your subconscious with the beliefs that you want to have about yourself.

5. Change your Friends. This is important. You have to stop hanging around the men that you knew previously. You must cut off all contact with them and stop having men as friends and companions in any way. Even if you are not intimate with them, the problem is that one thing can lead to another. And if you have female friends who have boyfriends, stop hanging out with them as well.

If you know any sisters who are religious and supportive, get to know them and spend your time with them as much as possible. It will be difficult to change your life if you are still surrounded by people who live a sinful lifestyle.

6. Counseling. You need to see a counselor or therapist and talk out some of the feelings you are having. This will help you. If you are a student try your student health clinic, they always have a counselor on staff. If you are not a student you can try your public health clinic. If you can find a Muslim counselor, that would be great. You're in the U.K. and I think there are a lot of certified Muslim counselors there. But a non-Muslim would be ok also.

7. Find Something that Gives You Joy

You must find something that gives you joy and pleasure in life, and devote yourself to it. Get out of the house and become part of something. If you don't have a job, then do volunteer work. The writer of one of our sister sites,TeenPerspectives.com, has been volunteering at a local hospital for years and she finds it very rewarding.

Get involved in a sport, or start a blog, take some college classes, or write poetry. There must be something good and halal in life that gives you pleasure. Find that thing and amplify it.

8. Medication if Necessary. I'm hesitant to add this point, because I think people in the West rely far too often on medication as a way to address problems that are actually spiritual in nature. For Sister F., if your depression is something that you've experienced only recently as a result of your life choices, then the previous six points will be enough for you and you do not need any medication.

However, if your depression has been a long-term thing (months or years), and doesn't seem related to your life circumstances, then it's possible that you are clinically depressed and you may benefit from a depression medication. Your counselor or physician should be qualified to assess this and refer you to someone if necessary.

And Allah knows best.

If any readers have some additional advice for this questioner, feel free to post your comments below.

"(O Allah), Guide us to the straight path; The path of those whom you have favored; Not those with whom you are angry; Nor those who go astray."

Best regards,

- Wael Hesham Abdelgawad, Administrator
IslamicAnswers.com Islamic Marriage Advice
ZAWAJ.COM Muslim Matrimonials and More!

This question is answered by Wael Abdelgawad, Editor of IslamicAnswers.com Islamic Marriage Advice,. and Zawaj.com Muslim Matrimonial Service.

QUESTION:

Dear Wael,

I am a mother of a woman who converted to Islam three years ago. My daughter is in Morocco and has married recently but now I'm getting a request from her that she needs a Certificate of Non-birth. Would you please explain what this is and how it would be obtained?

Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thank You.

- Kathy from USA

WAEL ANSWERS:

Dear Kathy,

I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with this certificate. I never heard of it before. Perhaps you could inquire at your local Moroccan consulate, or ask your daughter to explain further. What about you readers, have any of you heard of this Certificate?

If any readers have some additional advice for this questioner, feel free to post your comments below.

"(O Allah), Guide us to the straight path; The path of those whom you have favored; Not those with whom you are angry; Nor those who go astray."

Best regards,

- Wael Hesham Abdelgawad, Administrator
IslamicAnswers.com Islamic Marriage Advice
ZAWAJ.COM Muslim Matrimonials and More!

This question is answered by Wael Abdelgawad, Editor of IslamicAnswers.com Islamic Marriage Advice and Zawaj.com Muslim Matrimonial Service.

QUESTION:

Dear Wael,

I am an English muslim convert married to a Moroccan man for 15 years. We have 3 girls. Our relationship has always been rocky, but we have had good times as well. Both us have managed to get through bad times because of our kids. Although my husband can be very kind and extremely generous to us Ma'sha'Allah, the problem lies with his anger and aggression.

He's never been violent to me but he's obviously dissatisfied with his life and makes me cry by upsetting me a lot. He finds problems with all things and shouts and swears. I sometimes find myself shouting back at him although this is wrong and causes me stress.

I gave up my job in teaching as he put a lot of pressure on me to keep the house spotless as well as cook, clean, look after the kids and he refused to help. He's not a bad person and I have tried to help him by giving support and advice and trying to be patient. Lately things have got really bad, however. I'm constantly worried about the sort of mood he will be in. It makes the house so uncomfortable.

He blames me for the way he is, saying I'm not cheerful or helpful, which I feel is unfair. I don't know what to do, but I cannot live like this anymore. I pray 5 times and wear hijab, I honestly don't want a divorce because of the girls being separated from thier father. Is there another solution? Jazak' Allah for your advice, please answer me.

- Sister S.

WAEL ANSWERS:

Dear Sister S., As-Salamu Alaykum wa Rahmatullah,

May Allah reward you for trying to keep your family together and solve your problems without resorting to divorce. I also commend you for being so patient with your husband and trying to see his good qualities during these difficult times.

Your husband should see a therapist or marriage counselor in order to learn how to relate to his family in a calm, loving way. You might also consider seeing a marriage counselor together. I realize that this sort of thing is very uncommon in the Arab world, where your husband is from. But I don't see any other solution.

It could be that your husband is behaving in the same way he saw his father behave. It could be that he is unhappy about something but is unable to express it. I cannot know what is going on his mind. Also, I am only hearing your side of the story and I have no idea what destructive behaviors you may have that contribute to the situation.

I am sure, however, that your husband is not happy with the situation as it is, any more than you are. But I doubt that he is able to change without someone who can teach him how.

If your husband refuses to see a therapist, you could try threatening to leave him, or even leaving him for a short period of time (like a few days) to see if that will change his mind.

Obviously you don't want to continue living in misery forever, and if nothing works then you might have to consider divorce; but that should be a last resort, after all other avenues have been pursued. So don't have that in your mind right now. Rather, be optimistic and focus on finding a solution Insha'Allah.

If any readers have some additional advice for this questioner, feel free to post your comments below.

"(O Allah), Guide us to the straight path; The path of those whom you have favored; Not those with whom you are angry; Nor those who go astray."

Best regards,

- Wael Hesham Abdelgawad, Administrator
IslamicAnswers.com Islamic Marriage Advice
ZAWAJ.COM Muslim Matrimonials and More!

This question is answered by Wael Abdelgawad, the IslamicAnswers.com and Zawaj.com Editor and Administrator.

QUESTION:

Dear Wael,

I am over 30 years old and in my lifetime I have had over 15 marriage proposals and still get but every single one did not and does not happen and I've been told that a relation of mine who is jealous has put strong evil to stop me from ever getting married.

So even once the proposal comes, the moment we're about to finalize everything the opposite party looks for excuses not to continue, this is very painful for me and my family, please advise me what solutions are there to remove the evil that is put on me and how can we stop it from constantly being put on us. I pray 5 times, I try to do good not bad, this is so painful for me as just last night again mine and my families hearts were broken when a good proposal that I got and we were going to finalise last night and suddenly for no real reason the boy decided not to go ahead and it's not the first time that this has happened it has happened over 10 times and I really need help.

- Sister Z. from Australia

WAEL ANSWERS:

Dear Sister Z., As-Salamu Alaykum wa Rahmatullah,

It sounds to me like you or your family are doing something to scare these young men off. I suggest that you ask the young man to tell you honestly what is the problem, and why did he change his mind? You said he backed out "for no real reason." This sounds as if maybe he did give you a reason, but you feel it's not genuine.

Considering how many times this has happened, you must have observed some pattern. Try to figure out what you are doing that is causing these young men to back out, and see if it's something you can change.

Glory to You Allah, we praise You, we bear witness that there is no God except You, we ask Your forgivess and we repent to You.

Best regards,

- Wael Hesham Abdelgawad, Administrator
IslamicAnswers.com Islamic Marriage and Family Advice
ZAWAJ.COM Muslim Matrimonials and More!

Captain Kirk is restrained by Romulans... forcing him to marry?

March 30, 2007

This question is answered by Wael Abdelgawad, the IslamicAnswers.com and Zawaj.com Editor and Administrator.

QUESTION:

Dear Wael,

A friend was forced to get married in Pakistan. A Nikah was performed with some witnesses, but he was not agreeing to the marriage. He was forced. Is there any grounds for annulment?

- N. from UK, aka Concerned Friend

WAEL ANSWERS:

Dear Concerned Friend, As-Salamu Alaykum wa Rahmatullah,

I don't understand how he could be forced. Was he physically restrained, so that he could not leave? Two big guys held him by the arms, like the Romulans are doing to Captain Kirk in the photo?

Okay, I realize that I am being insensitive, and I'm sorry, but I get this type of question all the time, and I just want to say to people, "Take resonsibility for your own lives. Take responsibilty for your own decisions, especially you men. If your parents pressured you by saying, "If you don't marry her, we'll kick you out of the house," so you married her, well, you had a choice and you made a decision. It was not an easy choice, but it was still a choice. Take responsibility for your choices. Otherwise you're going to write to me after five years when you're miserable and you want to commit suicide - yes, I get those all the time as well, and I do not take those messages lightly or mock them in any way. I want to prevent it from getting to that stage. And the only way to prevent it is to stand up for yourself in the beginning and follow your heart.

For women it's a different story. In some societies women have very little power or influence, and their rights are not always respected, so it can be very difficult for them to resist familial pressure to marry a particular person or behave in a particular way. I know that women are often coerced into choices that they do not want.

But - I also get many questions from women who say they were forced, and when I read the details I see that they were not really forced, they just found it easier to go along, rather than speak up for themselves or resist the pressure. Women too must take more responsibility for their choices, especially women who are educated and know that they have rights as Muslims.

By the way, forced marriage is also illegal in most countries, including even in Saudi Arabia and Afghanistan, and in February 2007 the Pakistani Parliament introduced a bill called the "Prevention of Anti-Women Practices Bill," that will outlaw this practice in Pakistan as well. This bill may be passed by the end of 2007. So if you feel you are being forced, you might point out to your parents that not only are violating Islamic rules but they are breaking the law as well.

What About Obedience to Parents?

Of course as Muslims we must respect and obey our parents, but this does not mean that we are slaves. We have the right to make choices for our lives, and one of these choices is whom to marry.

As much as we owe obedience to our parents, they in turn owe obedience to Allah and to the Messenger of Allah (pbuh), who clearly forbade forced marriages.

Sheikh Moiz Amjad from Understanding-Islam.com writes,

"No one, not even the parents, have a right to force marriage upon any boy or a girl. Without the free consent of the woman (as well as the man), a marriage contract would be deemed void. Forcing marriage upon a woman is clearly against the teachings of the Prophet (pbuh).

According to a narrative reported by Abu Dawood, once when a case of forced marriage was reported to the Prophet (pbuh), he allowed the woman (who was forced into marriage) the option to revoke the marriage, if she desired to do so (Abu Dawood, Kitaab al-Nikah, Narrative No. 1797).

The free choice of the woman is a necessary condition for a valid Nikah. In view of this fact, if it is found out that a woman has been coerced into a Nikah, then such a Nikah can be revoked or even invalidated by the competent legal authority."

So in the case of this man in question, if he was truly forced (somehow) then the marriage is invalid, since mutual consent is one of the prerequisites for marriage in Islam. And this is true for everyone - if you did not consent to the marriage, then it is not valid.

If any readers have some additional advice for this questioner, feel free to post your comments below.

Glory to You Allah, we praise You, we bear witness that there is no God except You, we ask Your forgivess and we repent to You.

Best regards,

- Wael Hesham Abdelgawad, Administrator
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