Hi, I'm an Indian married to a Pakistani..  I converted to Islam. We have been married 5 years but I never felt one day that mine and my husband's relationship would feel this way - like it's dead..  I think he is just using me to get his permanent stay..  I feel so sad sometimes, I cry most of the time. We have a daughter aged 3 years, I think he is planing to kidnap her from me soon as he gets his permanent visa.

I mean, I'm also always angry with him because he does not work or give me money..  He only likes going out with his freinds to a bar and drinking alcohol and looking at other women..  He calls me bad names when he is drunk which I cannot hear as it hurts me alot..  He has a kind heart but still I feel he is not the kind of man I was wishing for.

He does not even have interest in going to masjid to pray for the sake of our daughter..  I love to do it but as I converted no one teaches me anything about Islam..  I love to learn the Namaz but who will teach me. I'm in a big problem I have so many worries..  I worry about our finances, he does not have any responsibilities..  He just thinks about himself, drinking, swearing and doing bad.

I don't know what to do as I don't want to divorce for the sake of our child..  It's too much for me.

Sister Noorah's Answer:

Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim

Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah

I am very sorry to hear you are having these marital issues. First and foremost, alhamdulillah, it is a big blessing that you were guided to Islam, and no matter what happens, hold on to this with all your heart and you will be able to get through this and any other issue that comes up in your life.

It would help me to know what country you are in. You say you are an Indian and he is Pakistani, but are you living in the US? It seems this might be the case and you are a citizen of the US while he is a resident alien. Please follow up with us and correct me if I am wrong in this.

You have to be strong and act now, not just for your sake but for the sake of your daughter. You have to protect your Islam and also protect her if her father is not living as a Muslim. Know that if your husband has abandoned the prayer and continues to neglect it, then he has taken himself beyond the pale of Islam. If he is considered a non-believer due to this, then the ongoing validity of your marriage to him is in doubt, as it is not permissible for a Muslim woman to be married to a non-Muslim. So you see how serious this issue is.

As you are a convert and you do not have a strong Muslim family to back you up, you will have to turn to strong Muslim brothers in your local community to talk to your husband about this issue. You must talk to your Imaam and ask him to come to your house, or wherever he can meet your husband. The Imaam should discuss several topics: 1) the importance of the prayer 2) the absolute responsibility of the husband to work to provide income for his family 3) the fact that alcohol is forbidden in Islam 4) that Islam requires kind treatment of spouses and he is not allowed to verbally, physically, or emotionally abuse or neglect you. Even if he has a "kind heart", this heart is being blackened by bad deeds so much that the original man you married is all but lost to you.

You must take this action now, before the issue goes further. You are not required to work, rather your husband should work to support you, so you should tell him that he must get a job. Be firm on this and be willing to follow through by leaving, or by making him leave if he refuses. After all, as you are paying for everything, he has abdicated any leadership he might have once have. If there is a threat of physical violence, you must do whatever is necessary to protect yourself and your daughter. You have to work on two tracks. You must work honestly and sincerely to try to save the marriage, but you must also develop an exit strategy if it becomes necessary for you to leave. You should also make sure he does not have a passport for your daughter and you should contact the State Department or whatever agency is in charge of making sure he cannot take her out of the country. You will have to be wise and strong in this, and the outcome is uncertain.

As with most complex issues in life, there is no easy answer to your questions. Even before you learn to pray, you can still supplicate to Allah and ask Him to help you in your native language. He will forgive any shortcomings in your practice of Islam as long as you are striving to learn and be a good Muslim. Remember that Islam was revealed over the course of 23 years and there is no such thing as "instant Muslim", so do what you can and inshAllah, God willing, you can learn more over time. As you get involved with your community, you can also make friends with Muslim women who can help you. Do not isolate yourself and try to hold the whole marriage up all by yourself.

I'm so sorry you are having a hard time learning your Islam. I am happy to consider you my sister in Islam and I can offer you some online links to good websites for learning about Islam:

http://www.islamway.com (click on the English tab to get it in English) They have tons of information including a flash player program on how to pray, including how to make the ritual ablution.

http://www.islamicity.com

http://www.islam-qa.com (this site is available in many languages, including English and Urdu)

You are also welcome to submit further questions or contact me directly for more information. I would be happy to help you in whatever way I can.

Fi Aman Allah,

Noorah
IslamicAnswers.com Editor

Do Muslim - Christian marriages work?

Question:

Salamu aleikum!

Dear readers,

I would really need advice on what to do. My fiance is Muslim, I on the other hand am Christian. At first we agreed that we will get married, even if. our parents do not agree. I know this is not the right choice, but of course his parents were thinking like this because they didn't know me yet. Since then I've met them and. I really love his mother, sadly I still don't know his father yet. He met my mother and they don't seem to get along. After I met his mother, she chainged her mind and said to him that we can get married, but we cannot have children unless I become Muslim. I thought this is quite fair, because. I know we would get the children mixed up with two religions. He also told me he would like me to be with him for eternity. I have to tell you, that my dream always was, to pray to God with my husband, to have somebody who supports me in spiritual life. And I can also see, that this is what he wants.. On the other hand I cannot change, until I don't believe, this is what he said. The only thing he doesn't want to accept that I do. Once he told me he respects me so much, because my faith is so great, he can see how much I love God, and how I appreciate true. love. It seems he forgot what he told me before.

I have to tell you a story...it might seem silly, but I believe in small miracles, signs, which are made by God. My whole life, when I was praying for something, when I was in front of a big decision, somehow I got the answer. Meeting the right people, hearing the exact word, which I was searching for...I think you can understand me. I told my fiance I will change, but only if I will get my sign. I don't feel I got it... he says I just don't see it, but its there.

Please don't judge me, because all I'm getting is judgements from everybody I know.

Yesterday he really hurt me, and he said "what do you believe in, what is that?, its nothing", and how do you pray, how can you pray like that? It really hurt. As I learned from the Bible, God will be. the only judge of our faith. I can be going to church every. Sunday, so everyone will see me and say, she is a real believer, she is here every Sunday.... but that doesn't make me a believer. If I am a believer, that means I will be good with other people, I will be kind with the beggers, in my job, at home, with my family, and I will be praying.. I am of Protestant religion, which is different from the Catholic, in quite a lot. of ways. Sometimes now and in the past also, I was just praying to God to help me forget about the things which separate. people in religion, and find the things that are the same in all of them. I know, you will write I am a bad, non-religious person, but it is not true. Can you believe me, that my heart and soul is shouting out to God many many times, but maybe. I don't find the right path, the right traditions that. I can really believe in.

So my final problem from all of this is: my fiance just changed his mind and said again, that we cannot get married, if I don't change religion, and that he will test me if I am doing it from real faith or from just love, that I would do it, because I want to marry him.

What can I do?!

Sister Noorah's Answer:

Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim

Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah

Welcome to the site and thank you for trusting us with this important question. Interfaith marriages are fraught with problems and dealing openly with them BEFORE marriage is always the wisest course.

I think your fiancé is right to be cautious in considering marrying a Christian. It is permissible in Islam for a Muslim man to marry a woman from Ahl al-Kitaab, the People of the Book, which is Christians and Jews. Still, it is something not to be done lightly. In Islam, we marry not just to satisfy the desires of this worldly life, but also to have a companion for our everlasting life in Jannah, Paradise. So it is important to find a mate with the same religious values as we have.

The divide between Christianity and Islam rests on one major issue, and that is the belief of the divinity of Jesus Christ. Christians believe that Jesus is God and the Son of God, one of a Trinity, and that they can only approach God through him. This is considered to be anathema to Muslims. We believe in strict monotheism. There is only One God, and He created and sustains the universe without any partners or assistance. We do believe in Jesus, peace be upon him; We believe that his conception was a miracle, and we believe in the Virgin Birth (There is even a chapter in our Holy Qur'an named after his mother Maryam.). We believe he was the final prophet for Bani Israel, and that the Injeel (Gospel) was the Scripture revealed to him. We believe he is the Messiah and that he will return to slay the antichrist and to rule justly on the earth. We believe that he was fully human. Just as Adam, peace be upon him, was created without a father or a mother, Jesus, pbuh, was born without a father. This does not make either of them divine.

As you see, it boils down to the issue of Jesus' humanity, and this is a vast chasm that completely separates Muslim from Christian. Unless you can resolve this difference, there probably is no future for you with this Muslim man. It is also true that one of the conditions of Muslim man marrying a Christian is that any children will be raised Muslim, so even though you are willing to agree to that now, it may become a contentious issue when you actually have that little baby in your arms.

My advice to you is this: I suggest you both step back and stop seeing one another. I think that you, for your own sake, should study Islam for at least the next few months. I do not say that you should do this for the sake of marriage to a Muslim, but for the sake of your own soul, regardless of whether you were to ever see this man again or not. You can visit a local mosque if there is one in your area, or you can learn from beneficial websites, such as the following;

http://www.witness-pioneer.org/vil/Books/M_tui/
http://www.sultan.org/books/islam-in-focus.pdf
http://www.islamicity.com
http://www.islamway.com
http://www.sunnipath.com

Take the time to study. If, at the end of whatever time you take, you are still convinced of the divinity of Jesus, then I would say that it is impossible to marry this man. From your point of view, could you risk your afterlife by marrying a man who does not believe in Jesus Christ as his personal savior? If you could, then I have to say you are not a true Christian. I really think that your personal faith that you practice now is probably very close to Islam. You sound like a moderate, modest woman who tries to understand what God wants from her and to act on it on a daily basis. This is the essence of what God wants from us Muslims as well. It could be that your contact with this man is God's way of directing you to your spiritual home, Islam.

You are most welcome to return to this site with questions that will inevitably come up as you study about Islam. We will do our best to answer according to the teachings of Islam, and we will ask Allah to guide you to what is best in this world and the next.

Fi Aman Allah,

Noorah
IslamicAnswers.com Editor

My husband does not love me.. What should i do?

Sister Noorah's Answer:

Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim

Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah

This is such a huge, general question that it is difficult to know where to begin. Marriage is a big responsibility, moreso for Muslims, because we are supposed to choose our life partner not just for this life, but for the life to come. Therefore it is very important to work on ourselves first, so that we are strong practicing Muslims, and to know our rights and responsibilities so that we choose the right life partner and are not left with a mountain of regrets.

You say that your husband does not love you. Is this something that he has said directly to you, or are you inferring it from his behavior? Are you both practicing Muslims? By this, I am asking if you both pray the five prayers and fast as you should, and avoid the major sins such as fornication, drinking, and the like. If you both are fundamentally practicing your Islam, then you have a foundation on which to build a marriage. If either of you is lacking in the basics, then that needs to be dealt with even before the issue of your marriage, because a house built with no foundation will crumble.

Of course, the first place to look is to yourself, to see if you are doing what a good Muslim woman should do. Beyond praying and fasting, a wife should be a strong helper for her husband and should support him in his difficult task of working to support his family. She should make an effort to dress nicely, look good, meet him with a pleasing smile, and make the home a place of comfort and rest for him. She should be available for him sexually, as this is a great need for men and it affects their ability to work effectively if they are stressed due to a lack of marital intimacy.

If you have evaluated yourself and found that you are honestly doing the best you can, then you must look to your husband. Is he fulfilling his duties to you? Is he working to support his family, and is the money he earns halaal? Does he also make an effort to look good for you and meet you with kindness and nice words? Is he fulfilling your sexual needs as well? Women need intimacy in a similar way as men, and if deprived they can suffer many illnesses, both physical and mental.

How did you two come to be married? There is an Islamic way of courting, and an unIslamic way. If you had an arranged marriage, where you two hardly knew each other before marriage and the families simply put you together, then it is possible that he simply went along to avoid trouble in the family and is not interested in you particularly, and he feels actually resentful because he either didn't want to get married at all, or he was interested in someone else the family did not approve of. This is an unfortunate reality in many cultures.

On the other scale, if you had a relationship before marriage that went beyond the bounds of Islamic ettiquette, then this can also poison a marriage because the husband might in his heart consider his wife to have been a "loose woman" for allowing any type of intimate contact, even though he was as guilty of it as you. This can affect a man's attitude towards his wife.

You will have to consider all the details of your marriage, and what comes after that is the hardest thing of all.... You will have to have an open and honest in-depth conversation with your husband and discuss every issue that is in your heart. You have to hear from him if he is committed to Islam and committed to the marriage. If he swears by Allah that he is, then you can build from there. If he tells you no, he is not interested in improving things, then you have to decide if you wish to spend the rest of your life in a marriage where your husband does not love you, or if it is better to separate from him and get on with your life. Of course, if you have children, this complicates things, because children are damaged by divorce, but they are also deeply affected when they see a lack of love and respect between their parents. As usual, there is no easy answer.

You will have to be a strong woman to deal with this issue head-on and not let it fester on for years. Sometimes it seems easier to just go along day by day in quiet misery, like a robot, doing the routine of cooking, cleaning, living together but separately. This is not the way that a dynamic person is supposed to live life, though. Marriage is a partnership, and you deserve to be married to a husband who will honor and respect you. There may not be that "starry-eyed" love that we see on TV. That is the stuff of movies and sets up unreal expectations in the hearts of many women. But there should be kindness, mercy, honorable treatment, and affection from both sides.

Now you have the duty to try to fix the problem. Make sure you are fulfilling your duty to Allah by keeping the five daily prayers, and supplicate to Him to open your husband's heart and resolve any differences. May Allah bless you and give you patience and the wisdom to deal with this situation in the best way.

Fi Aman Allah,

Noorah,
IslamicAnswers.com Editor

The Islamic Shahadah, or testimony of faith, carved in wood on the wall of a masjid

Question:

Asalamu Alaykum.

A few months back, I took Islamic lectures and the young girl giving us this lecture told us that if you say Ashadu, you can convert yourself to not being a Muslim.

Well the thing is, I said Ashadu while listening to her lecture and when she was done talking that's when she said, "saying Ashadu can take you out of Islam". I was too afraid and ashamed to talk to her about it. But that's not the only thing, I said Ashadu a couple of times.. and then I lost track of how much times I said it. So I went home frightened.

Now for about a couple of months I still worry if i am a Muslim or not. I don't know how to prove it. Please help me, I am in need. I do not want to go to hell for a mistake!

- Sahra

Wael's Answer:

Dear Sister Sahra, As-salam alaykum,

Rest assured, you are still Muslim. There is nothing to fear or feel ashamed about.

I am really quite puzzled about this lecture you attended. I never heard of such a thing and it's very strange. Where did you hear this lecture? Was this young woman educated in the Islamic religion? Were these people Sunni Muslims, or were they followers of some other sect?

The word "ashhadu", or sometimes written "ash-hadu" is a part of the Islamic Shahadah, or testimony of faith. The word simply means, "I testify," or "I bear witness." It's a completely innocent word and there is nothing wrong with saying it.

The Shahadah in full is,

"Ash-hadu an laa ilaha il-Allah, wa ash-hadu anna Muhammadan Rasul-ullah."

Meaning, "I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allah, and I testify that Muhammad is the Messenger of Allah."

Furthermore, the question of niyyah or intention is crucial in Islam, as the Prophet Muhammad said in the famous hadith, narrated by Omar bin Al-Khattab, who said : I heard the messenger of Allah salla Allah u alihi wa sallam say:

"Actions are but by intention and every man shall have but that which he intended..." related by Bukhari and Muslim

Saying a word without understanding can never harm you or take you out of your deen, because the niyyah to do wrong is not there.

Of course words can take you out of Islam, but they have to be unambiguous words that you understand and speak with intention. So if you were to say, for example, any of the following things with understanding and intention in your heart, believing them to be true, then you would not be considered Muslim any more:

• I don't believe that the Quran is relevant in the modern world.
• I believe in the Quran only, not the Prophet Muhammad.
• I don't believe that salat (prayer) and sawm (fasting) are necessary or required.
• I was born Muslim, but I'm an agnostic. Maybe Allah exists, maybe not.
• I believe in Allah, but I believe in the Hindu gods as well.
• I believe in the Prophet Muhamamad, but I also believe in another Prophet who came after him.

These are various types of statements of disbelief that you might encounter in your lifetime if you speak to people or if you are active on discussion forums. These people understand their words and speak them deliberately, believing in them. There is a huge difference between making a statement like this, and just uttering a word whose meaning you do not understand.

My last bit of advice to you is to educate yourself as a Muslim, not necessarily by going to lectures but by reading some of the basic books about Islam. For example the hadith about intentions is the first hadith given in the book "40 Hadith," which is a simple and fundamental book that every Muslim should read and understand.

Read the Quran, read some introductory books like Islam in Focus, read the biography of the Messenger of Allah (pbuh), read some good books of hadith like Riyadh As-Saliheen (Gardens of the Righteous), read about the lives of the Sahabah, etc. Lectures are fine too, but the source must be reliable and they should be on basic subjects that will help you learn the principles of religion.

And Allah knows best.

If any readers have some additional advice for this questioner, I invite you to post your comments below.

(O Allah), Guide us to the straight path; The path of those whom you have favored; Not those with whom you are angry; Nor those who go astray.

Best regards,

- Wael Abdelgawad
IslamicAnswers.com Marriage Advice
Zawaj.com Muslim Matrimonial Service

Feeling deceived

Question:

salam sister...

ive been married for a couple of months now... im a young wife of 21.. i have left my family and country to live with my husband and his family.

before i got married, my husband felt strongly against mixing with ghayr maharim (non-relatives)... for this reason i had given up many things for the sake of making this work and have sacrificed alot.

i have no one here, where i live now, no family no friends to speak to.

only since i've come to live with him and really got to know him, did i realise he lives contrary to how he has asked of me to be...

my heart is broken with disappointment... i feel i was decieved... i'm good to his parents, i clean and cook for them alahmdulillah. he shows no appreciation for this and keeps looking for faults with me and his marriage with me.

i am angry and frustrated

i tried to speak to him about it, but he claims i am possessive or he puts me on a guilt trip, making me feel like him marrying me is a favour to me.

his behaviour is unislamic and he condones it by justifying it with pure intentions.

please, i need advice... how should i be? what action can i take?

- desertgurl

Sister Noorah's Answer:

Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim

Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah

I read this question over and over, trying to think of what the appropriate advice would be. It sounds like you are in a truly diffcult situation, and it will require time and a lot of soul-searching for you to decide what the right steps are in this marriage.

First of all, you said you left your country to be with him. It makes me wonder what involvement you family had in this marriage decision. Did you marry with their blessing and support? Are you in contact with them? How did you come to know this man and how was your relationship before marriage? It is important to know the background before I can specifically advise you on moving forward.

Having said that, there are some practical words for you. First of all, it is true that a woman should not have unneccessary contact with non-mahram MEN. In my home, if a worker comes into the house, I generally go into another part of the house. If a male friend comes to visit my husband, I serve them and then don't hang around in the same room unless there is a discussion (usually something to do with our local community) that requires my presence. So I minimize unnecssary contact, without being paranoid or acting like I'm supposed to be invisible. So if your husband wishes you to not be around non-mahram men, there is nothing wrong with that.

Now, there is nothing in Islam that says you can't be around non-related WOMEN. Indeed, it is essential for your emotional health to develop good strong relationships with the Muslim women around you. It is even more important since you are away from your family. Your Muslim sisters will become your family, and it is not appropriate for him to cut you off from socializing with other people. He should be encouraging you to make friends with good strong women, should be encouraging you to attend whatever Islamic activities are available in your area, and if the language is different from your home country, he should allow you to take classes to learn the language to get along better.

One sign of a man who is a "control freak" is that he attempts to isolate his wife, cutting off all outside contact so that the only one she sees is him. He becomes her world, her keeper, her filter for everything that happens. His word becomes her only perspective on life; if he says she is "bad" or "lazy", then she does not have any reality to compare against his judgment. This is esssentially an unhealthy way to live and were it me I would not tolerate it.

Alhamdulillah, you will get a great reward for taking care of him and his parents. Continue to do so to your best ability, and try to comfort yourself in thinking that Allah is pleased with your efforts, even though your husband is critical. You do not describe the nature of your husband's behavior, so I don't know if you mean that he pretends to be a good Muslim on the outside but does things like drinking, drugs, abandoning prayer, etc., or something more or less than this. Once again, I don't have all the proper information.

You must continue to struggle for your rights, but not in a negative way or by cursing, yelling, or throwing things. You must remind him to fear Allah, and if at all possible you must bring in an outside person, a trusted family member from your side of the family, to support you in your efforts. Either by phone or by internet, or better if a family member can travel to be with you, because you obviously are having trouble influencing him alone.

Divorce is the most hated of the permissible things in Islam, but it is an option if you have made the effort to do everything you can to salvage this marriage. I advise you to pray the five prayers on time, pray the night prayer, fast as much as you can (with your husband's permission for sunnah fasts), and continue taking care of your home. Get outside help as soon as possible, and don't just sit and take it, thinking it is your fate as a woman. You have the RIGHT to have a good relationship with your husband and if he deceived you by pretending to be a good man before marriage, then you have the right for him to either fix his behavior, or you can divorce him in a permissible manner and get on with you life. I would suggest devoting several weeks or even months to the effort rather than giving up right away.

Now, all this comes with a caveat; if he is physically, sexually, or emotionally abusive, then this is a very deep problem that you cannot solve. Honestly, abusers continue to abuse and they rarely 'cure themselves'. If he hits you, pushes you, etc., then all my advice is off and I would say get out while you can, because it will only escalate from there. You live with him; you know what the precise details of your situation are and only you know what level he is at. Regardless of what path you choose going forward, remember that you are not just a wife, you are a woman, a Muslim woman, and you have rights as a human being. Among those rights are to be safe from harm. Pray sincerely to Allah to guide you to the right decision and then move forward with confidence. My prayers and du'as are with you in this difficult time.

Fi Aman Allah,

Noorah
IslamicAnswers.com Editor

If any readers have some additional advice for this questioner, I invite you to post your comments below.

Feeling guilty about getting a relative locked up

Question:

Brother I have done sins and feel emotionally hurt. I can't live with myself no more. I can't look into my mum's eyes no more. I have snitched my relative to the police which got him sent down for a few years and it has cost him a lot of money.

He was a heavy drinker as a Muslim but he supplied money to his poor family in Afghanistan. He was very close to his family and my personal conflict lead me to this.

Brother what shall I do? I can't sleep no more. It feels my shoulders have gone heavy and as a student I am starting to go downhill first time in my life. Brother I have never drunk or smoked and keep all my fast. I do not pray on a daily basis but do have good intentions but this has just broke me down.

I feel like a coward and shameful. Brother please help.

Sister Noorah's Answer:

Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim

Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah

I don't know your motive behind "snitching" on your family member, but if he was committing some sort of crime which caused him to go to prison for three years, then the responsibility for that lies on his shoulders, not yours. If he was a heavy drinker as you say this can lead him to commit all sorts of crimes, from domestic violence to stealing or worse. Perhaps if you had not told the police about him, he may have committed a worse crime. Imagine if he had driven drunk and killed someone? Allah knows best what would have happened, but it may be that in prison he can overcome his alcoholism and learn to be a better Muslim. There are religious programs in prisons so inshAllah he can benefit from them.

I know you are feeling very guilty about this. Perhaps you can overcome your guilt by honestly thinking about what your motive was. Why did you feel it was necesary to do this? Was he hurting someone? Was he stealling or worse? As bad as you feel for having done this, it is not permissible in Islam to stand by and let a person harm himself or others, even if it seems the punishment is very harsh.

You can support your relative by visiting him in prison, by sending him Islamic educational materials, by keeping in touch with his family in Afghanistan and sending them money if you can. You do not have to confess to him at this time because he may not be able to understand what you did or why you did it, but do not give up on him now. If he is truly to become a strong Muslim, he must have your support.

Don't give up on yourself, either. Pray to Allah to keep you on the Straight Path. Eat right, get decent sleep. Strive to pray the five daily prayers at their correct times and also to pray the night prayer if you are able. Work on improving yourself as a Muslim so you can serve as a good role model for all of your family members. It may be that Allah allowed this situation to come about in order to save the souls of all involved. Some years in prison is preferable to a lifetime in the Hellfire in the hereafter.

You are student, so if you feel you need to take off a semester to get your head together, give yourself the time to do that. Get a part-time job so you can donate money to worthy causes. Volunteer to do charity work like feeding the homeless. Keep yourself busy with good deeds, as good deeds wipe out sins. I pray that Allah blesses you now and in the future and that he heals the soul and body of your relative in prison. Ameen.

Fi Aman Allah,

Noorah

Do Muslim - Christian marriages work?

Question:

salam walekum brothers and sisters.

I am a new convert to Islam. I was a Christian before.

my wife who is a strong christian and i have been married for 5 years now. we have a 3 years old daughter.

I love my wife but not in love, we dont have intimacy in our marriage.

Also my wife does not allow me to teach my daughter about islam or even use the word Allah, she gets mad when i do that. I want to have more kids and she says she will raise them christian also.

I want to get a divorce but when i think of my family i don't know what to do.

I want to marry a good muslim wife and move on in life.

What should i do is there any fatwa for situations like this. I am being eaten on the inside every day thinking about this.

I hope some one can guide me.

- Yusuf

Wael's Answer:

Dear Brother Yusuf, Wa alaykum as-salamu wa rahmatullah,

Your situation is very difficult; although the answer is clear to me, it is still not an easy answer to give.

Divorce is not an automatic thing when one partner embraces Islam and the other does not. Normally I would advocate patience. I'd say try to be a good example for her as a Muslim, try to teach her, and ask Allah to guide her to the truth.

But your wife is actively hostile to Islam and is firmly set on another path. Furthermore, she is damaging your attempt to educate your daughter in Islam. This is crucial, because your daughter is at the perfect age for you to begin talking to her about Allah, teaching her salat, taking her to the masjid, etc.

My advice is to divorce your wife and seek joint custody of your child. If you end up having the child part time, then you can at least teach her about Islam during the time she's with you.

Furthermore, you can begin looking for a good Muslim wife who will be ready to build a new family with you based on worshiping Allah together, and striving together for imaan and taqwa. Someone who will grow with you in deen, pray Fajr with you, admire you (as you admire her), and set a good example for your children. I am sure that you will find great comfort and happiness in that, Insha'Allah.

And Allah knows best.

If any readers have some additional advice for this questioner, I invite you to post your comments below.

(O Allah), Guide us to the straight path; The path of those whom you have favored; Not those with whom you are angry; Nor those who go astray.

Best regards,

- Wael Abdelgawad
IslamicAnswers.com Marriage Advice
Zawaj.com Muslim Matrimonial Service

i have had two stillborns at third trimester and a baby girl who only lived for 14 days, i would appreciate anyone who can pray for me and ask allah to bless me with healthy babies, that have long lives, and also give me any duas that i can read for better pregnancies.

- samaira

Confused

Question:

As-salamu alaykum, I have a question relating to the validity of marriage, that is, what exactly deems a marriage anulled in Islam.

A woman had gotten married to a man. She then wanted a divorce from him but only recieved 2 talaqs. She then went to the Moulana's and they granted her a divorce from this man.

Five years later now after she has started to have feeling for this man again, she claims the information she gave the moulana's as to why she wanted a divorce were untrue. (She lied about the man abusing their child and threatening to kill the child). This man is now re-married to another woman.

The first wife is now invoking her rights as the man's wife, including conjugal rights. I would like to know if the first wife is divorced from this man or not. Also note, the man spent 5 years away from the first wife. Also the first wife who believes she is still married to this man is keeping the marriage a secret from her family and the community. If you could shed some light on this matter I would be grateful.

- Aarifa

Sister Noorah's Answer:

Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim

Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah

It is somewhat of a confusing story. Divorce in Islam is in the man's hand. If he says the words "I divorce you", then immediately the divorce has taken place and the woman enters the "iddah" period where she should stay in the home until three menstrual periods have passed, or until a baby is born if she is pregnant at the time. This is a valid divorce; the man only has to say the divorce one time, and even if he says it three times, it counts as one divorce. It is not necessary, if the man has pronounced the divorce, for the woman to seek a khua, a realease from marriage. If he does not take her back during the 'iddah (and by taking back, this means having marital intercourse with her), then the divorce is final once the 'iddah is over. If he took her back, then that is one divorce, and then if he pronounced the talaaq again, the 'iddah starts over. If he took her back during the second 'iddah, then this counts as two divorces but she is still married to him. Only if this is the case and she still wants a divorce would she need to resort to the khula.

If the man was only saying something like "Yes, I'll divorce you if you want" but he did not intend a divorce and did not say he was divorcing, then most likely no divorce took place. If the woman went to the judge and asked for a khula, if the khula is based on false evidence, there is a difference of opinion on whether the divorce is valid. A woman need not have a particular reason for wanting a divorce. She can simply say "I do not like him, and though he is an okay guy, it will negatively affect my Imaan if I stay married to him" , then she can divorce. The reason is between her and Allah, and Allah will punish her severely if she divorces for no good reason, but that reason should not be decided by the court. If she says "I cannot tolerate to be married to him" they should grant the khula. So she could have simply told the truth. Does the lie, the accusation of abuse, invalidate the khula? She should return to the same court where the khula took place, confess to her lie, and ask the judge or a similarly qualified person to resolve the issue.

One would hope that her husband / ex-husband would keep track of the situation. He believes he is divorced, and this will complicate life for him. If she is divorced, he need take no further action. If the judge rules that the divorce is not valid due to the lie, then he can simply pronounce the talaaq and be done with it.

This woman sounds like she is confused and does not have a good knowledge of her responsibilities as a Muslim woman and a wife. I doubt seriously there would be any benefit from her ex-husband to cause chaos in his present marriage by accepting her back. She should repent to Allah for her past lies and try to become a better person, because in the current situation she would not make an appropriate wife for anyone. It is a complex situation but can only be resolved by her being honest with herself and starting fresh, without disrupting the life of her ex five years on. And Allah knows best.

Fi Aman Allah,

Noorah

I married to a girl (Just Nikah)... We saw each other a day before our Nikah..  After nikah when I hold her hand, her family did not like that. They live in America and I live in UK. Before nikah I had a plan to settle in America but when I saw their (her aunties and dad) behaviour I changed my mind and told my wife to come to London after she finish her studies.

Now they want me to settle in America and even my wife says the same thing. My question is: is it a sin if I give her divorce? I have never had a physical relationship with her. Please tell me what does Islam says about it.

Jazakallah

- Fawad