October 29, 2006
This question is answered by Wael Abdelgawad, the AskBilqis.com and Zawaj.com Editor and Administrator.
QUESTION:
Dear Bilqis,
I was raised as a Buddhist. I met a Muslim man two years ago. Since then I have gained a fair knowledge of Islam and have converted. I read the Quran frequently, pray five times every day and fast in Ramadan.
Myself and this man want to marry as we feel we are a good match, but his mother is dead against this. She does not see me as a real Muslim even though she knows that i have converted. I think it has something to do with reputation as well because theirs is a reputed family in the area and she thinks that a convert as daughter-in-law is a disgrace for the family.
My own mother has agreed to this marriage since she belives that my happiness in life with the person I love is more important than religious differances. Please tell me how to handle this situation, and make his mother see the way my mother sees things.
Thank you,
- Sister A. from Sri Lanka
WAEL ANSWERS:
Dear Sister A., As-Salamu Alaykum wa Rahmatullah,
It’s really too bad that your prospective groom’s mother has these attitudes about converts. I don’t understand how any Muslim can think this way.
I suggest that you remind her of the following two points:
1. The Sahaabah
Ask her, what does she think of Khadijah (the wife of the Prophet, may Allah be pleased with her)? What does she think of ‘Umar ibn al-Khattab, Abu Bakr As-Siddiq, Salman al-Farisi, Suhaib Ar-Roomi (may Allah be pleased with them all), and all the other famous and beloved companions of the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him)?
Most likely she will say that she has the highest respect for them and that they are shining examples for all Muslims. At the very least she will admit that they were great people.
Then you can remind her that all of them were converts. Some of them worshipped idols before they became Muslim. Some of them were pagans, or Christians, or followed no religion whatsoever. And yet they became the beautiful flowers of truth, and the champions of the Islamic cause.
2. Modern Muslim Leaders
Secondly, consider our modern times. Some of the most famous and passionate Muslims in our modern age are converts. Such leaders and scholars as Hamza Yusuf, Bilal Philips, Yusuf Islam, Zaid Shakir, and many more, are all converts. And in fact the current president of the Islamic Society of North America - the largest Islamic organization in North America - is sister Ingrid Mattson, a convert and a woman.
Islam is not a royal lineage or a genetic heritage that is automatically passed from generation to generation. It is a conscious choice. It is a matter of daily belief and practice. In my experience, the most active, progressive, hard working, passionate Muslims tend to be converts, because they have chosen this religion from their hearts as a personal commitment.
Use Gentle Persuasion
Your prospective mother in law thinks that having a convert in the family would be a disgrace? Just the opposite. Anyone who looks down on converts, or considers them to be less than “real Muslims,” has disgraced himself by rejecting his own brothers and sisters in faith.
So I suggest that you point these things out to her, or let her son do it, since he surely has more influence with her. He should also let her know that this is the choice he wants and he is serious about it. But be gentle and persuade her in a kind way. Harsh language and argumentation will only harden her heart and solidify her attitudes.
Glory to You Allah, we praise You, we bear witness that there is no God except You, we ask Your forgivess and we repent to You.
Best regards,
- Wael Hesham Abdelgawad, Administrator
AskBilqis.com Islamic Marriage and Family Advice
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Written by wael on October 28th, 2006 with 2 comments.
Read more articles on Islamic Answers 2006 and Marriage and Cannot Get Married.
October 2006
This question is answered by Wael Hesham Abdelgawad, the Editor..
QUESTION:
Dear Bilqis,
My partner and I love each other very much and have been together for 3 years, since he came to UK. I converted to Islam about 2 1/2 years ago and am very happy to be Muslim and am being very pro-active in learning all I can.
Our problem? I am a lot older than him (by 15 years) and have been married before. I know that to marry an older woman is not forbidden, but think that maybe our age difference would not be accepted by my partner’s family.
He has been under pressure by his family to marry for some time, but has avoided due to career uncertainty. However, through hard work by both of us, he has now secured a good permanent job here is UK.
His family do not know of me. They are in Pakistan and we are in UK.
Due to his settled status, his family will now expect him to marry soon. I can accept that we may never be able to marry and also that we cannot have a family. I am prepared to accept a role in his life as long as it remains as it is - an important one (currently I am the most important person to him, along with his family).
I also know that he is allowed to have more than one wife, but the feeling is I cannot even be one of those wives due to my age. It is important that his family do not disown him. Neither of us want this to happen.
We discuss this often and have not come up with a solution yet. We do not see us parting. We are both prepared to do whatever it takes to make our relationship continue, should marriage be unavoidable for him.
Do you have any advice that can help us?-Jana
WAEL ANSWERS:
Dear Jana, As-salamu alaykum wa Rahmatullah,
It’s good that you have been active in learning about your religion since your conversion to Islam. I know that you would not have become Muslim if you did not have a desire to worship Allah and follow the path of guidance.
In your email, you refer to this man as your “partner,” and you say that you have “been together for 3 years.” It’s not clear to me what that means. Are you living together? Boyfriend and girlfriend? Lovers? Since you have been with this man since before you converted to Islam, I wonder if perhaps you were his girlfriend and have continued to carry on that relationship even though you are now Muslim.
Before I address that issue, I want to talk a little about what it means to be Muslim.
Placing Allah’s Guidance Over Our Desires
You may have learned that the word “Islam” comes from the Arabic room s-l-m, a root from which many words are derived, including the words for peace and submission.
This reflects the fact that submission to Allah is the essense of Islam. It requires us to follow the path and the guidance that Allah has laid down for us, rather than our own inclinations and desires. When we say the shahada - the testimony of faith - we are testifying that we will put Allah’s commands, and the example of the Prophet Muhammad (SAW), ahead of our own likes and dislikes, ahead of our own desires, ahead of our own yearnings and cravings. We will put Allah first. That is the deen that we have chosen.
Allah says in the Qur’an,
“And who is more misguided then one who follows his desires without guidance from Allah?”[28:50]
“And do not follow desires such that you are misguided from the Way of Allah”[38:26]
And it is reported (ruwiya) from the Prophet (SAW) that he said,
“By the One in Whose Hand is my soul, none of you can have faith until his very desires comply with what I have brought.” {1}
There are many such verses in the Qur’an, and many such Hadith, clarifying this point that the servant of Allah is obligated to follow what Allah and His Messenger have brought, even when his own desires pull him in a different direction. If we were to follow our own desires, ignoring Allah’s guidance, we would be ruined as individuals and as an Ummah.
Prohibition of Zinaa and all that Leads to it
I am sure you know that Allah has strongly prohibited and condemned the act of zinaa (fornication, or sexual relations with someone to whom you are not married). Zinaa is destructive to one’s own soul and to the society.
I am not saying or implying that you are committing zinaa. Rather I am leading to a discussion of the proper relationship between men and women in Islam.
In the Qur’an, Allah not only prohibits zinaa, but admonishes us not even to come close to it:
“Do not come near to any shameful indecency, whether open or secret” (6:151)
In the same vein, the Prophet Muhammad was very clear in prohibiting anything that could lead to zinaa, by prohibiting all inappropriate contact between an unmarried man and woman.
So for example, the Prophet pbuh said,
“Never is a man alone with a woman except that Satan is the third party with them.” (Al-Tirmidhi 3118, Narrated by Umar ibn al-Khattab)
The Prophet (SAW) also said:
“It is better for one of you to be pierced by a steel pin in his head than to touch the hand of a strange woman.”
And the Qur’an says to the women,
“Be not too complaisant of speech, lest one in whose heart is a disease should be moved with desire: but speak with a speech (that is) proper.” [Surah al-Ahzab: 32]
On the subject of how men and women should behave with one another, Allah the Most High says:
“Say to the believing men that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty: that will make for greater purity for them.” and says: “And say to the believing women that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty.” [Surah al-Nur: 30-31]
So unmarried men and women should not be alone together, should not touch one another, and should not even speak to one another in soft or “loving” tones. Rather, they should exercise modesty at all times, should associate only in public, and should discuss only subjects with are proper or “ma’roof.”
Only Marriage
All of this leaves us with an inescapable conclusion: the only legitimate close relationship between a Muslim man and woman (who are not mahrem - i.e. brother and sister, mother and son, etc) is marriage.
Men and women can certainly speak to each other and interact for the purposes of work, marketplace transactions, the exchange of knowledge, etc, but it must be in public and completely above-board. There cannot be any close, intimate relationship between them, except in the form of marriage.
There are no exceptions to this rule.
You and this man have two choices. Either get married, or end your relationship and part ways.
You have given a lot of reasons why you and he cannot get married. You are too old, you are divorced, his family would not approve, he would be disowned. Are these excuses coming from you or from him? This man has carried on a relationship with you for three years and has not even told his family about you. What would it have hurt him to say to his family, “I met a good woman and I want to marry her”? Perhaps it is true that his family would not accept it and would disown him if he persisted; but he has not even tried.
At the end of your email you wrote, “We are both prepared to do whatever it takes to make our relationship continue, should marriage be unavoidable for him.”
What does this mean? That even if he married someone else, you would carry on a relationship in secret? Or do you imagine that his wife would allow him to carry on an open relationship with you, even one of close friendship?
You need to stop fooling yourself. If this man marries someone else then I guarantee you that your relationship with him will come to an end, either instantly or gradually. No woman would allow her husband to carry on with a previous girlfriend in any capacity.
I am sorry that you have invested three years of your life with someone who is not willing to step up and take a stand. His relationship with you has not been guided by Islamic principles.
But now you are Muslim too. You are not responsible for his behavior or his soul, only for yours. You must assume control of your own future as a Muslim woman, according to Allah’s guidance.
You are a human being with free will. You can make your own choices. If you are willing to marry this man, and he is willing as well, then I suggest you get married.
If he is not willing to marry you, then it’s time that you end your relationship with him and move on with your life.
I wish you the best and may Allah guide you and bless you in all your actions.
- Wael Hesham Abdelgawad, Editor
FOOTNOTES:
{1} The hadeeth is reported as one of an-Nawawee’s 40 Hadeeth and it is da`eef.
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Written by wael on October 12th, 2006 with 2 comments.
Read more articles on Islamic Answers 2006 and Marriage and Cannot Get Married.