I was in a relationship with a boy at the age of 17 and it went along for about 3 years until we decided to get married without telling our parents because we know we were still too young to tell them and convince them to get us married to one another.  They would not have agreed.  We did our nikah and were married after that now for about another year and a half.

I know now that being in a relationship with him before nikah was wrong and I should not have done that.  But now I am deeply in love with him and I cannot see my life without him. And also, the first 6 months of our relationship I had a problem of not being fully committed to him and I cheated by kissing 5 other guys during that time.  I did not have sexual intercourse with any of them.

Also, 2 years into the relationship I pretended to have a flirting relationship with two other guys for a few months with no physical contact as well as being friends with a guy who would give me kisses every now and then.  I had a problem of getting the attention from guys and not thinking about the guy that I was with even though I loved him to death.

Islamically I understand that all of this was wrong and I never told my husband before our nikkah until a year later of being married.  He loves me so much and he is trying to make it work because of the relationship we have had now with each other for the past 4 years but it is becoming more difficult for him day by day knowing that this happened so long ago and I never told him until now.  I am trying to convince him that I am better and I realize my mistakes because I don't ever want to do this to him ever again. And I ask forgiveness from Allah SWT and repent for all of my past childish behavior.  I realized how much love I have for this man and how much he has put up with this. I don't ever want to hurt him again.  And I want to finally have a good Islamic marriage with him in the future.

I am doing everything possible to prove to him that I will not act in these behaviors again and that it was so long ago as I was a teenager at this time still growing into a woman.  I don't know what else to do and he keeps saying that he wants to start the talaaq process.  But at the same time we talk, but our conversations are very dead.  He has forgiven me but he doesn't know if he can live with it for the rest of his life and he is taken a little time to see if he can.  Every few days he breaks down and says he cant do this anymore and its been happening for a few weeks now.

I am helpless and so sorry for what I have done to him and have grown to learn many things about what is right and wrong and want to be more directed towards my religion inshallah.

He wants to try to live with it and try not to acknowledge in the future and make things work for me but he also says that he doesn't know if it will happen and he is going to give it a try.  It is difficult being with him as he does not love me the same and care like how he used.  It kills inside everyday that my childish mistakes have messed up my future with the man that I am truly in love with.  What should I do? I don't want to give up on him. That is the last thing I want to do.

- Sister M

Assalamu alaikum,

I am a 19 year old girl who is intending to marry a man who is 15 years older than me and has been a divorced and has got two kids, I have known him for nearly 5 years now and have fallen madly in love with since I think he is very mature and has guided me in a lot of bad things I got into in my teenage life. He too is a Muslim and an Indian same as me but my parents strongly disagree of him as he has got some past bad experiences with my Dad and also due to the fact that he is so much older and has got 2 kids.

I have got no problem with his kids, I am ready to take care of them if I have to but they are happy with their Mum at this stage.  I understand that all my parents’ want is good for me but they just don’t understand that I really love him and he loves me too. My dad thinks he has got a loose character and that he isn’t right for me but I know him very well and though he has some bad qualities in him, his heart is the heart of a good man that truly believes in Islam and I am fully confident that once I do get married to him I will change him to be a better person than he already is.

He is madly in love with me too and wants to marry me truly and change his whole life around as he has learnt a lot of lessons in his life to date and wants to start a new life with me.

My Dad talks to me and tells me the consequences of what’s going to happen in the family and our reputation and all that every week , until I came to a point where I didn't know if I should agree with my parents or him. He tells me that he will prove my parents wrong about their beliefs about his character, and that my dad will one day be happy about and everything, but as I said I came to an undecided point no knowing which side to go on and what to do, as I felt both of them are right and wrong in their own ways.

I decided to perform istikhara for a several days and got 2 dreams 1) I am wearing a white shalwar kameez and standing near a window really depressed and crying and my dad stands in front of me wearing a sweatshirt which belongs to the man I intend to marry, coloured green and blue and on the other side of the building he is waiting for me to come to him and he is growing old with beard growing on him. The 2nd dream I saw was 2) I am in my house which belongs to my Dad in India as newlyweds dressed up in red (as that’s the colour we wear in our wedding days in Indian ceremonies) and fully covered in gold jewelry, I am sitting on the bed next to the man whom I intend to marry and telling him to wake up and he wakes up and tells me how lucky he is to have me by his side and then my Mum enters the room telling me to keep a little distance in front of every one as it doesn't look good in front of elders when husband and wife come too close and so I agree and go out to say salaam and take my families blessings and amongst these people is my aunt, my grandfather(who is deceased), and few of my cousins they all give their blessings as I say salaam but all are very hesitant and held back about something.

I presumed these dreams were positive as I started getting this feeling that my parents will come around and everything will be fine and now I am pretty confident with the way I feel. I want to marry him but my parents are still not agreeing and my Dad has clearly told me that if I marry him he wants to break every tie with me and I am going to be dead for him, whereas my mum tells me that if I go with him something will happen to her and she will die. She keeps telling me that either I don’t go with him and come back to them or she is going to die and I go over her body.  I find this so hurtful as I love my mum but she just doesn’t seem to understand my pain of what I have been through or will be going through even though I feel so positive towards it all my parents just are not coming around, how do I convince them and what should I do?

I understand that istikhara is not only about dreams as it’s the guidance from Allah tallah and till now after reading istekhara stuff has become a lot easier for me to decide what decision to take and that is for me to go with him and marry him but my parents are just not coming around so what should I do to convince them?

~Usa4

As for those who divide their religion and break up Into sects, thou hast no part in them in the least: Their affair is with Allah: He will in the end Tell them the truth Of all that they did. [Al-Qur'an 6:159

Hi, I am a sunni guy and the one I love is a syed sunni girl. We both love each other and want to marry and live happy. We are very close to each other and truly love each other. We are together for more than 1 year now. When her mother came to know about our relationship and our wish to marry each other she refused because I am not a syed guy and was against us.

She cried alot and convinced but her mother is strict. For that reason she is staying away from me so that her mother does not know about us as it will create more problem but in her heart she loves me alot but she is not showing because of  her mother and she told me to wait for the time of marriage inshaallah Allah will unite us and I respect her decision and her mothers too as I met her family and I helped her family in every difficulty.

We are trying very hard and i myself is praying 5 times a day n praying that help us in this difficulty and reciting Quran. So that Allah may unite us and make her best for me and making me best for her.as we both cannot live without eachother.

I did istekhara and the answer was to have sabr and again I did istekhara and it was the same. I am having sabr. But I cant let her go away from me or see her marrige with some one else. Is there any way or dua which can slove my problem and make her mother agree and unite me with my love. Please need help as I am really stressed.

I know Allah is testing me but now I am really tensed and stressed. I dont know what to do. please need help.

~Ufone

Muslimah at Peace

Salaam Brothers and Sisters

Currently I am Christian by birth and family, but I do not practice it. I haven't for a long time. I believe the miracle birth of Jesus(pbuh) but I can't believe he is God. I was taught to serve no other god, God alone. I only pray to God as I know He the only merciful and loving God. I have never felt so sure about anything else in my life.

I have been researching Islam and I know in my heart that this is what God has prepared for me. Everyday I change more and more to become the person God wants me to be. I live in a non-muslim community and it makes it difficult for me. The only info I get is from the internet and on tv. I wish I could go to a masjid to plead my case and get support, but I don't have one near me.

As a mother I also don't know  where to start with my kids. They are still young, but they pray every night to God and Jesus (pbuh). This breaks my heart as they already believe that everything must be asked in Jesus's(pbuh)  name. How do I change this?

My problem is I have 2 kids from a previous marriage and not in contact with my ex-husband, but the kids are. They go visit him and his family. My other concern is if and when I do convert, do I need their father's consent? I have legal custody of the children, but can he stop me? We do not eat haraam food in my house. I'm also afraid that he will feed them haraam food and do haraam things just to spite me.

Can anyone please help with parenting advice?

~Loving Parent

]]> http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/i-want-to-convert-to-islam-but-i-dont-know-where-to-start-with-my-kids/feed/ 12 http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/should-my-brother-marry-the-girl-he-made-pregnant/ http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/should-my-brother-marry-the-girl-he-made-pregnant/#comments Thu, 09 Feb 2012 00:19:06 +0000 misha http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/?p=37828

I need an advice, my brother impregnated a non-Muslim girl. At first we were open to the idea of marriage between them, but the problem is, we cannot take the girl's attitude. She causes a lot of drama in my brother's life and even to us.

She makes scandalous posts on networking sites, she lacks decency in the situation. And usually she causes trouble to people who are linked to my brother's life like his own friends and co-workers and when you confront her she has no remorse to what she did.

There have also been times when she utters unbearable word about my family and my religion. She is known to have a bad reputation; she's the cause of most fights.

So we decided to cancel the wedding, since it will only cause more problems and we are pretty sure they will not live a harmonious life together.

Now here's where the problem arises: since the child is considered illegitimate, and according to the law the mother has the only right to the custody of a child, we are afraid that the baby will turn out a non Muslim believer, since obviously, she's the one whose going to rear the child. We really wanted the baby to be a Muslim.

Now her family will not allow us to have share custody of the baby unless my brother will marry her, what should we do?

Do we need to let them marry for the baby’s sake even though we know first hand that she will create more trouble and problems?

Please help me.

~Misha

I just want to start by saying that my husband is doing a business which involves selling alcohol, and he has been doing it for around 15 years. When we got married I knew that he had a job but didn't know it also included selling alcohol.

After our marriage, he said that he'll look for other options, instead he got his own business which was a covenience store, also involved selling alcohol. I tried to convince him to stop selling it, but he only said he'll try.

Sometimes he became angry and said I am being unthankful. He became verbally abusive and since our marriage and after two kids, we don't have any communication left, that is 10 years ago. He has changed so much that we don't have feelings for each other, we don't have any intimacy left. He also is surrounded by bad company, who drink and are involved in the same business. He also is not a religious person, only he pays Zakat and Sadaqa.

My question is since I am a sinful person too I have sincerely repented but I know that our income is not Halal, so what should I do?

I am a patient of arthritis too, but I am really fearful of Allah and the hereafter, and also what I am knowingly giving my children!  I am giving them all possible knowledge of Islamic teachings but they always have these questions, "Why doesnt Dad have to pray?"

Please tell me what should I do because death can come anytime and what answers will I have to these questions!

- Simi

I was dating a Man who had been Muslim for  several years when I got pregnant in late- August.

On December 12th I took shahada knowing I was pregnant and that the father would not marry me. The baby's father is now out of the picture. Another Man- a new Muslim like myself has asked about marring me.

We do not understand the rules on this and have been getting many different answers. Some saying I must wait until the baby is born and after the postpartum discharge has cleared (the 40 days), and other saying I can marry now because I was not Muslim when the child was conceived.

Does anyone know where the answer to this question can be found?

~81Amatullah

]]> http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/how-soon-can-i-get-married-after-giving-birth/feed/ 6 http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/wazifa-for-marriage/ http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/wazifa-for-marriage/#comments Wed, 08 Feb 2012 20:19:37 +0000 haider http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/?p=34076

salaam sir i am haider, i am in very serious relation with a girl and can not live without her. she is relly very honest girl. i want to marry her but my father and my brother do not agree because my cousin liked that girl before.

so plz tell me such wazifa by which my father mother brother all get agree and want me marry that good girl.

imaam sahab plz help me and tel me any very strong wazifa.

thanx

My wife in 2011 became a very angry and abusive towards me, and a few discussions with her parents did little to resolve the issues. She kept on falling out with me accusing me of things like affairs etc and became very paranoid.

In the end she made false allegations of GBH, but I was refused charge. I left the matromonial house, and have been seperated for three months and the english divorce proceedings are in process.

However, even after three months I am still in love with my wife, but my brain tells me there is no way back as next time she and her family will ensure they make some allegations stick and ruin my life. I am struggling to reconcile my emotions with the divorce and miss my wife to the extent that I am unable to get her  of my system.  I cannot stop thinking about her all the time everyday.

I am getting confused in how to move forward, my family and everyone tell me it has finished and I will not be able to trust my wife again as she continously lied during the break up period to the point where she started believing her own lies.  I sill have strong feelings towards her and no anger.

Some advice would be much appreciated.

~tjav

Salam,

I’m a 30-year-old woman with a 2-year-old child and inshallah 1 on the way.  I’ve been married for almost 3 years now and living with my in-laws.

My husband worked in the first year and then stopped working due to a lack of work from his employers. He never bothered and tried to look for work after that. My father-in-law sold his business and gambled most of the money. So they were also left with no income.

I help pay for rent with the money I get for my child and me. I do shopping for the house. I help cook. I clean and do what a wife should do. My husband fights with me due to having no money from either his parents or me. I tell him to go look for work and that he has to do something. He will then yell at me and tell me to stop whining. My in laws always get involved in our fights.

My father in law has kicked me out of the house with my son. And so has my husband. My father in law always says I never put money in the house (which I do).  I also help with bills. That’s all from my government money. I sometimes cry because of the way they treat me.

My husband likes to yell at me in front of his parents. I’ve tried so many times to speak nicely to them all and it just seems to go through one ear out the other. Also when I pray to Allah (swt) my father in law will tell me that my prayers are not accepted because I’m doing it wrong (mind you my father in law doesn't pray). And other times me and my husband will argue and then he will hit me and swear at my family and tell me to go back to my parent’s house which I did.

Then my father in law wanted to divorce us with out even asking my husband or me. He told my dad that he doesn't want me anymore. Then my husband ended up coming to me and saying sorry.

The whole point of this story is that I can’t take it anymore and I don't know what else to do. Because it always seems that I’m wrong in their eyes. I think I have been patient enough. I’ve never disrespected my in laws. And I hate the way they treat me. I tried to tell my husband that he should work and we should save and move into our own place and all he does is ignore me.

I can go on and on but that's just some of the things I put up with.

Please give me advice of what I should do?

~Jana