I was in a relationship with a boy at the age of 17 and it went along for about 3 years until we decided to get married without telling our parents because we know we were still too young to tell them and convince them to get us married to one another.  They would not have agreed.  We did our nikah and were married after that now for about another year and a half.

I know now that being in a relationship with him before nikah was wrong and I should not have done that.  But now I am deeply in love with him and I cannot see my life without him. And also, the first 6 months of our relationship I had a problem of not being fully committed to him and I cheated by kissing 5 other guys during that time.  I did not have sexual intercourse with any of them.

Also, 2 years into the relationship I pretended to have a flirting relationship with two other guys for a few months with no physical contact as well as being friends with a guy who would give me kisses every now and then.  I had a problem of getting the attention from guys and not thinking about the guy that I was with even though I loved him to death.

Islamically I understand that all of this was wrong and I never told my husband before our nikkah until a year later of being married.  He loves me so much and he is trying to make it work because of the relationship we have had now with each other for the past 4 years but it is becoming more difficult for him day by day knowing that this happened so long ago and I never told him until now.  I am trying to convince him that I am better and I realize my mistakes because I don't ever want to do this to him ever again. And I ask forgiveness from Allah SWT and repent for all of my past childish behavior.  I realized how much love I have for this man and how much he has put up with this. I don't ever want to hurt him again.  And I want to finally have a good Islamic marriage with him in the future.

I am doing everything possible to prove to him that I will not act in these behaviors again and that it was so long ago as I was a teenager at this time still growing into a woman.  I don't know what else to do and he keeps saying that he wants to start the talaaq process.  But at the same time we talk, but our conversations are very dead.  He has forgiven me but he doesn't know if he can live with it for the rest of his life and he is taken a little time to see if he can.  Every few days he breaks down and says he cant do this anymore and its been happening for a few weeks now.

I am helpless and so sorry for what I have done to him and have grown to learn many things about what is right and wrong and want to be more directed towards my religion inshallah.

He wants to try to live with it and try not to acknowledge in the future and make things work for me but he also says that he doesn't know if it will happen and he is going to give it a try.  It is difficult being with him as he does not love me the same and care like how he used.  It kills inside everyday that my childish mistakes have messed up my future with the man that I am truly in love with.  What should I do? I don't want to give up on him. That is the last thing I want to do.

- Sister M

I just want to start by saying that my husband is doing a business which involves selling alcohol, and he has been doing it for around 15 years. When we got married I knew that he had a job but didn't know it also included selling alcohol.

After our marriage, he said that he'll look for other options, instead he got his own business which was a covenience store, also involved selling alcohol. I tried to convince him to stop selling it, but he only said he'll try.

Sometimes he became angry and said I am being unthankful. He became verbally abusive and since our marriage and after two kids, we don't have any communication left, that is 10 years ago. He has changed so much that we don't have feelings for each other, we don't have any intimacy left. He also is surrounded by bad company, who drink and are involved in the same business. He also is not a religious person, only he pays Zakat and Sadaqa.

My question is since I am a sinful person too I have sincerely repented but I know that our income is not Halal, so what should I do?

I am a patient of arthritis too, but I am really fearful of Allah and the hereafter, and also what I am knowingly giving my children!  I am giving them all possible knowledge of Islamic teachings but they always have these questions, "Why doesnt Dad have to pray?"

Please tell me what should I do because death can come anytime and what answers will I have to these questions!

- Simi

My wife in 2011 became a very angry and abusive towards me, and a few discussions with her parents did little to resolve the issues. She kept on falling out with me accusing me of things like affairs etc and became very paranoid.

In the end she made false allegations of GBH, but I was refused charge. I left the matromonial house, and have been seperated for three months and the english divorce proceedings are in process.

However, even after three months I am still in love with my wife, but my brain tells me there is no way back as next time she and her family will ensure they make some allegations stick and ruin my life. I am struggling to reconcile my emotions with the divorce and miss my wife to the extent that I am unable to get her  of my system.  I cannot stop thinking about her all the time everyday.

I am getting confused in how to move forward, my family and everyone tell me it has finished and I will not be able to trust my wife again as she continously lied during the break up period to the point where she started believing her own lies.  I sill have strong feelings towards her and no anger.

Some advice would be much appreciated.

~tjav

"He drinks alcohol..."

I am 26 and have been married 8 years. My husband drinks alcohol and does not care about the fact that I despise alcohol. This has caused a lot of issues in our marriage. We are in marriage therapy as well but it seems like nothing will help the issue.

He doesn't drink to the effect of getting drunk, but to me even a drink a night is a big deal (obviously, since it is haram). Other than the issue of alcohol our marriage is in good shape. We are thinking of expanding our family. My question today is about trying to conceive a baby with a man who has alcohol in his system.

Is there anything in Islam, Quran or Hadith that can shed a light on the issue? I feel very uncomfortable knowing that my child will be conceived while there is alcohol in his system, which would affect the sperm as well. Help??

~Upset

I am a 24-year-old married girl. It was an arranged marriage. And it seems he was forced to marry me by his mom though he doesn’t have any love affair as such.My husband repeatedly says he regrets this marriage and colours of his life has vanished?

He had many concepts about his future wife and according to that I am the worst match for his criteria. He wanted a beautiful and talented wife and I have a bad complexion and I am just a homemaker rather than a talented girl.

He hates to show me to his friends and whenever we meet other family or friends he acts as if he loves me like anything and we are the best couples ever. That hurts me a lot.  Due to his constant bragging my parents came to know about these issues. And his mom already knows everything, as he tells everything to his mom and scolds her every now and then saying she spoiled his life.

And we had two major fights in which my family got involved and took me away from him due to physical torture. And he was very upset and wanted me back and my parents demanded he go for counseling and he went through and the counselor asked me to go to back with him.

In the initial days he was angel, but later again he keeps on saying this and mentally tortures me and keeps on saying badly of my family and tries to bring out new problems. Whenever we sleep together and make love he says I am skinny and have dry skin and that he doesn’t even want to love me.

I am being very helpless. But whatever he says when tortures me, he wants me to forget and again be the same old me with a happy smile.  I hate to be with him because I don’t know when he will torture me with his words.

He hates me also because I haven’t become pregnant since 2 years. I don’t feel like living with him anymore. And I am very scared to take a decision. Please help me anyone??

~Sana Akram

Salaam sisters I need your advice,

I got married in February but I am recently having a lot of anger issues in my marriage. I am under so much stress and I am becoming scared of my feelings...living with my husband is a lot harder than I thought and I sometimes feel like I do everything with no help. I go to work at 7 am (teaching) and then I take night classes until 9 pm and I am very tired when I come home.

I try to be the best wife I can, I clean the house, take out the trash and do the dishes and cook but to be honest sometimes I wish my husband would just help me. I told him how I feel and sometimes he helps but only if I ask which I think is wrong...he should try and help out without me asking. Isn't the goal of marriage to help each other out?

Lately he has been sleeping a lot and doing nothing which a few times I have really lost my temper over. I know I should not lose my temper but I am starting to feel like I cannot control it and I hate that this is happening. I pray, I ask Allah swt to guide me and help me with my emotions but it's not helping. I sometimes cry because I feel so alone...my family is 4 hours away and I do not want to tell my mom what is going on because she will tell me to leave him...

My stress is also taking a toll on me in other ways: I keep having horrible nightmares. All of this is really scary...please I need some advice. Thank you all in advance.

Aslam o Alaikum Brothers & Sisters.

I want to share my entire situation so that I would tell you the better question which I am suffering from. My wife was already divorced of six year relationship with her ex before I got married. She was a sterility patient and I knew this very well. Her Father & Mother are no more, her brothers & Sisters never pay attention to her because they all are still shirty on her because of her previous relation. I am 25 and she is 28 there was 3 year age difference between us. I felt a great pity for her because she had no one and I discussed with my Father & Mother about her. Firstly they warned me about so many facts which I could face later on but I ignored them and said Allah will give me reward for this inshAllah. I had very polite feelings for her so we got married.

It’s been 5 months we got married and living together with my Father but she showed her true color on us. She was very much polite before marriage but she became worse after marriage and I have been suffering from the day I got married. Maybe she does not bother all these things because she is a working lady having her own car so she thinks she is independent lady. I want to mention those points which makes me sad.

1)    She is a big liar, it’s like her habit or compulsion. She is arrogant, bumptious and immoral to everyone.
2)    She accused that my Father of trying to seduce her for a relationship.
3)    The place where I live with my Father & my wife, there some paranormal activities happened as we felt. But we got to know lately that my wife was involved in these activities. She was trying to scare my Father to make him go from that place. Maybe she wanted to live with me alone but we did not reveal this to her that we have got to know about the person who was doing that.
4)    She always misbehaves with my Father so he gets upset and tells me about her. When I ask her she behaves innocent and shows that my Father is lying to me.
5)    I always teach her when she’d do something bad to us but her non stop arguments makes me mad and I barely control myself to beat her.

My Father told me to wait for the good time and I know what he means this for. He would say me to divorce her but I do not want to do that because I still adore her so much perhaps she does not bother this thing. I became a diabetic patient and a complete crestfallen but she shows no care no sympathy.

I want to know what our Islam says in this kind of situation. Should I wait more for good time or I should divorce her for better rest & calm? Is there any limit to bear this kind of situation? Should I beat her for these acts? Does Islam allow beating wife?

I am looking forward for your response. Please tell me what I can do in the light of Islam.

Assalam aleykum.

I'm in such a big mess right now and I don't know what to do.

4 years ago I got into a thing with a Muslim boy named Ammar. At that time I was a Christian, and in the beginning I flirted, danced and kissed a couple of boys during the first weeks we were together.

I stopped when our relationship eventually got serious and after a year together it became very strong and we had sex. At that time I didn’t understand that it was wrong, we intended to marry. I struggled much with my conscience, and eventually I told Ammar about the other boys. After some months we broke up; he couldn’t accept the cheating.

The next year was absolutely horrible for me because I still loved him so much, but Alhamdullilah, this year I also found Islam. Ammar had told me much about this wonderful religion, and I converted, started praying five times a day and wearing the hijab. The really stupid thing was that when I found out that he had got another girlfriend, I got so hurt that I also wanted to move on. One of his “friends” started flirting with me and told me many lies and manipulated me, and eventually I got into a secret relationship with him. We were talking about marrying, but deep down I didn’t really love him.

Suddenly my ex Ammar says that he wants me back, he wants to forgive, forget and marry me. I realized that he hadn’t managed to love his new girlfriend the way I hadn’t managed to love my new boyfriend, and I left my current boyfriend. I thought we were getting a fresh start, but when he found out about my relationship with his friend he left me again.

Once again I was heartbroken, and I decided to keep away from boys until I was ready. I finally started to understand what Islam was really about, and that adultery is not accepted in this blessed religion.

A year ago I met a wonderful Muslim convert. We wanted to keep our relationship halal so we married in the Islamic way quite early. The problem is that we agreed to marry for a while in order to get to know each other, and split up if we didn’t fit together. This made the whole marriage a little less serious to me.

Suddenly Ammar comes back into my life, we start chatting online, and one day we meet and start kissing. I knew it was wrong, but it felt so good to have him back, and I realized I still loved him. However, he couldn’t get back together with me because he couldn’t forgive me for being with his friend.

I told my husband about it right away, and begged for his forgiveness. After a while he forgave me, but he refused to kiss me or get intimate with me (we have never had sex by the way). At that time I was so emotionally confused and stupid, and I needed my husband to hold on to me, not pushing me away. I ended up meeting my ex several times, and we kissed and so on, but Alhamdullilah at least we didn´t have sex.

I have finally understood how wrong it all was, and I have stopped cheating. I repent to Allah all the time, pray du´a and ask for forgiveness, but I don’t know if is enough, if my husband has to forgive me as well in order for Allah to forgive me. I would never cheat on him again, but should I tell him about it anyways? It will ruin his self-esteem forever.

I also don’t know if I should stick with him or not. Is it fair to any of us that I am together with him while I also love another boy? It sounds stupid, but I really love them both. And if I had the chance to choose between them, I think it would be Ammar. He was the one who presented me to Islam, but my husband keeps Islam in my heart. But it feels unfair to be with him when I have done something so horrible to him, and he will know about it on the Last Day anyways, wont he? But still, I know we could have made such a good life togehter..

So should I tell him about the cheating or not? And should I stick with him or not?

Salaam,

I’ve been searching for the answer to my problem for 14 years now but I cannot find the answer anywhere. Please can you help?

My mother got me married at 16 to her nephew in Pakistan. At the time I just did what she wanted as I thought she would do what is best for me. I was a type of girl whose life revolved around study. I was a prefect and got the highest grades when I finished. I had my college planned and place set. I found out I was going to get married when it was my sister’s walima, my mum booked the tickets in two days time. I asked mum and told her that I don’t want to marry if it means me not being able to study, but she would get angry shout and grip her nails in my arm, so I stayed quiet.

I got to Pakistan and I asked if I could at least see him? They disagreed. Six weeks went by and I thought great I’m going be to the UK, but not so. My mother emotionally blackmailed me and made me stay. A few days later I got married, by which time I lost my place at college.

On my wedding night I was too naive. I left the doors wide open and went to sleep on a separate bed. During the night my husband got up and closed the doors.  It was dark and I couldn’t see what he looked like. He called me over but nothing happened thank God.

I saw his face properly 3 days after I married him. I wasn’t happy or sad. Three months later I came back to the UK. Got a job and he came over.

I never really had that attraction to him but I tried to make it work. After a year when he got his stay he started to hit me. Three times I went to my mum for help but they gave him a slap on wrist and sent me back. The fourth time I was covered in blood I just took a shower and went to sleep, at which point I stopped telling anyone as nothing changed when I did so what was the point?

Eventually I decided I’d go and study in a different city as maybe time away would help. I told him: it was a three year course in Uni at which point he said if I am going to go he will get what is rightfully his, at which point he tied me up with belts and raped me.

A few months later I found out I’m pregnant. I lost my place in Uni and that was when I went deep into depression. He would carry on hitting me and raping me.  Eventually I stopped sleeping in the same bed, even if it meant sleeping on the floor in the same room, as I didn’t want anyone to know.

Five years I stayed as such. I then met someone online who again used me. I got pregnant with his baby and we had a daughter. He made me sleep with my husband so it would cover it up, he said if I left my husband that he would marry me. I did...but the day I left he left me too. I was so confused. On top of that my husband begged me to come back that things would change. As my parents are also separated, I wanted to try every last breaths worth in me so I agreed and went back.

I dressed up as a bride and slept with him. But the next day he argued and fought again and since that day I have slept in a separate room

All this and now 14 years have passed. I’m in a marriage were we hardly talk. We have separate rooms. Alhamdililah I’m out of depression I do not take sleeping pills or depression tablets. And Alhamdulillah,  after a recent bad experience I pray five times a day.

I’m thinking whether I should leave or forget it and just stay, as I am sexually frustrated. I don’t want to go down the road I did before or even risk it. What do I do? I cant stand him he repulses me.  But I don’t hate him; I just feel nothing either way.

 I just need to know what does Islam say I do?

~hinaz-tears

I am a person who used to be very sociable. I used to hang out a lot with friends, family, cousins and more. Eight years ago a man entered my life. Since I said yes to him, people that were close to me become my enemies. He is not a bad guy at all he is Muslim and has no bad habits at all. I fought (verbal arguments) with each and every person that was close to me and my far relatives just for him!! Today, I am in the situation that no one is close to me even my mother thinks I am not a good person and because of my siblings and other who told her negative stuff about me she doesn’t care about me at all! Because I picked him there have been so many conflicts that today I don’t talk with my siblings nor with my mom. They treat me like I don’t exist!

My relation with him is really bad! We don’t get along for a second there are a lot of curse in this relationship and he NEVER understands me. His family has caused so much pain to me mentally too. He knows everything but still it feels like he can’t stand up for me!! I am only 19 years old! I am so scared of my future. Now I have no choice other than to marry him, since everyone knows about us being together. I don’t know is it even worth to move on with a person who is so careless, selfish. He went to Pakistan for few months and when he was there for few months he called me few times and in those few times we would fight majority of the time on the phone!! We are not getting along at all and I almost hate him for not noticing all those sacrifices I made for him and he made none! I believe he is taking me granted. He has hurt me so much mentally and gave me so many tensions and problems that I don’t even want to be with him! I am starting to hate him.

I have become unsociable and very bitter inside now! I don’t know why but I don’t enjoy anything of life now. I live in my own house as if I am a guest. My parents want me to get married with him and leave now. I don’t want to marry him especially now when I am young too young for marriage but living with my parents gives me no peace of mind at all. I have no choice my parents are thinking about my marriage soon and I don’t know what to do!! It will be heart breaking for them to hear that I hate him I don’t want to hurt them. But is it worth to move on and get divorce later!

I have given him soo many chances in life told him what he is doing is wrong and how he acting likes an animal!!Nothing affects him!! I am so depressed at times that I want to finish my life! As u can imagine if I didn’t care about anyone and was with him... What he mattered to me! Plzz tell me what I should do?

~Sabiha