Want to Get Married
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Novemer 1, 2007
This question is answered by Wael Abdelgawad, Editor of AskBilqis.com Islamic Marriage Advice, and Zawaj.com Muslim Matrimonial Service.
QUESTION:
Dear Bilqis,
Salam Alikoum,
I am a muslim Morrocan boy, it’s about 3 years that I know a Polish girl. We love each other a lot and we want to get married. Her family knows about our plan. One day I told her that after a long thinking I see that our planning to get married will not be realized if you are not a Musilm. I told her that I need a Muslim girl, who will understand my religion, to share with her everything connected with my religion, to fast Ramadan together, to celebrate Eid feasts, and other important Islamic practices.
She was shocked, because she is attached to her religion as well.
I told her I can start with you from the beginning…. but as I see she is not convinced about being a Muslim girl, and if she does agree it would only be so as not to lose me.
I really don’t know what to do.
From where can I start to introduce islam to her?
If she converts, will she really be convinced about Islam? Will she do that for Allah or only for me?
I don’t want to lose her, but my religion is before everything.
- Yassine from Morocco
WAEL ANSWERS:
Dear Yassine, As-salamu alaykum wa Rahmatullah,
It’s wonderful that your religion is the most important thing to you, and that you are seeking to build a good Islamic family. I think it’s a wise choice on your part to try to marry a Muslim woman only.
Also I want to caution you to be careful in your dealings with the Polish woman and do not get into anything haram. Always behave as a Muslim.
As far as converting the Polish woman to Islam, you must realize that no one can coerce or convince anyone else to follow any religion. You can talk to her and present to her the Islamic beliefs and ideas, but there is no guarantee that she will become Muslim. In the end it is Allah who guides a person. She will only come to Islam if it touches her heart and she chooses it.
On the other hand, if she decides to embrace Islam then you should not question her motiviations. Her belief is between her and Allah.
Start With Tawheed
In presenting Islam to a non-Muslim, any discussion or explanation must begin with Tawheed, the principle of the Oneness of Allah - in other words, that Allah is only One, with no partners.
If the girl is Polish then she is probably Catholic. That means that she believes in the Christian trinity, which is their concept that God consists of three beings, a father, a son and a “holy ghost.”
Even many Catholics have difficulty understanding this concept and even Catholic priests often refuse to explain it. Usually they just say, “It’s a mystery that we cannot understand.” One Catholic person gave me an example of an apple which has three parts, the skin, the flesh and the core, but is still one fruit. Another person actually said to me, “It’s like a candy bar which has a chocolate coating, nougat filling and nuts, but it’s still one candy bar.”
Aside from pointing out the obvious, which is that God - glory be to Allah - is not an apple or a candy bar, rather than attack or criticize the concept of the trinity, I find it more productive to emphasize the Islamic concept of the Oneness of God.
While it certainly is possible to very convincingly refute concepts such as the trinity or the divinity of Jesus (peace be upon him), I believe that such arguments are counter-productive because they often put the person on the defensive and cause him/her to stop listening.
Instead, stick to explaining Tawheed. Explain that God is not three, or ten, or a hundred, but One. That God is Eternal and Absolute, and has no need of children, and that God offers us forgiveness directly without needing any intermediary. You can explain also that God created us and gave us all the good things of the world, and that all He asks in return is that we should worship Him only with no partners.
Of course you can also discuss some of the beautiful rituals of Islam, such as the prayer, fasting in Ramadan, Hajj, etc, and you can mention the social benefits of Islam like racial equality and compassion for the poor.
Spend some time explaining these things to her, and listen to what she has to say. If she refuses to accept Islam, then perhaps you should accept that she is not the right one for you.
If any readers have some additional advice for this questioner, feel free to post your comments below.
“(O Allah), Guide us to the straight path; The path of those whom you have favored; Not those with whom you are angry; Nor those who go astray.”
Best regards,
- Wael Hesham Abdelgawad, Administrator
AskBilqis.com Islamic Marriage and Family Advice
ZAWAJ.COM Muslim Matrimonials and More!
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Written by wael on November 1st, 2007 with no comments.
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This question is answered by Wael Abdelgawad, the AskBilqis.com and Zawaj.com Editor and Administrator.
QUESTION:
Dear Bilqis,
Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullah. Your column is a great one regarding marital issues. May Allah reward you with the best.
My question is that I would like to marry a new convert/revert to Islam. Could you please send me some info regarding any organisations in India having such people, i.e. Muslim converts? May Allah reward us all with the best.
(more…)
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Written by wael on January 2nd, 2007 with 1 comment.
Read more articles on Unanswered Questions and Marriage and Want to Get Married and Islamic Answers 2007.
Iranians in the rain on a Tehran street
December 18, 2006
This question is answered by Wael Abdelgawad, the AskBilqis.com and Zawaj.com Editor and Administrator.
QUESTION:
Dear Bilqis,
My fiancee is a Muslim man from Iran, and I am a Christian woman from Australia. We have known each other for four years. We now want to get married. I also want to turn to Islam. In about eight weeks we will be flying to Iran from Australia to get married as his family lives in Iran.
(more…)
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Written by wael on December 17th, 2006 with no comments.
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November 23, 2006
This question is answered by Wael Abdelgawad, the AskBilqis.com and Zawaj.com Editor and Administrator.
QUESTION:
Dear Bilqis,
assalamualykum,
I am a 23 year old male, unmarried and attending graduate school. I am near to my graduation. At this age, I am very despearate to get married. I feel ready to have a wife now, but the problem is that I am not financially stable since I need ten to twelve months after graduation to get stable, but these months are getting hard for me. Every day is a trial for me as the environment of my campus is full of girls. It’s like cultural shock once I came to USA from India (my home country). I need your help. please let me know what steps needs to be taken for being patient.
- Siddiq from USA
WAEL ANSWERS:
Dear Siddiq, As-Salamu Alaykum wa Rahmatullah,
I went to high school in Saudi Arabia, and from there directly to California for university. So I am aware of the culture shock you are talking about.
I have three points of advice for you:
1. Attach your heart to the Masjid
The most important thing you can do to maintain your peace of mind, and your imaan, is to stay close to the masjid (the mosque). The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said that,
“The most loved places to Allah Ta’ala is the Masjid.” (Muslim)
And he said,
““There are seven (types of persons) whom Allah will give protection with His Shade:…(one of them is) a person whose heart is attached to the masjid…” (Bukhari, Muslim)
Try to go to the masjid every day for prayers, perhaps twice a day. You can go for Dhuhr or Asr prayer if you have a break from your classes, and again at night for Maghreb or Ishaa. Visiting the masjid at night is especially rewarding, as the Prophet Muhammad (pubh) said,
“Give good news to those who go to the masjid in the darkness of the night to offer the prayer in congregation that on the Day of Judgement they will be provided with a perfect light.” (Tirmidhi)
If you go for Maghreb or Ishaa’ prayer, try to linger a little bit afterwards to read Qur’an, do your homework, or make conversation with the others congregants. Get to know the brothers who attend regularly and become friends with them. This positive and supportive companionship will reinforce your desire to follow the Islamic path and avoid anything haram.
2. Fast
Fasting is a shield for you and will help to protect you from sinful thoughts and actions. It will keep you close to Allah and will purify your actions. Try to fast Mondays and Thursdays if you can, or at least one day a week.
3. Be Patient
The other thing I would say to you is that you are 23 years old and you have been patient for a long time, to your credit. Alhamdulillah you have guarded your religion and your purity. This is a valuable achievement and when you get married Insha’Allah you can have the satisfaction of entering your marriage with purity and sincerity, Alhamdulillah.
Just try to be patient for a little bit longer, until you are prepared to get marrried and Allah has brought you the person who will help you complete your deen and make a good Muslim family.
If any readers have some advice for this brother, feel free to post your comments below.
Glory to You Allah, we praise You, we bear witness that there is no God except You, we ask Your forgivess and we repent to You.
Best regards,
- Wael Hesham Abdelgawad, Administrator
AskBilqis.com Islamic Marriage and Family Advice
ZAWAJ.COM Muslim Matrimonials and More!
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Written by wael on November 22nd, 2006 with 9 comments.
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November 2, 2006
This question is answered by Sr. Samayya Cabre from Sweden, with an added note by Wael Abdelgawad, the AskBilqis.com and Zawaj.com Editor and Administrator.
QUESTION:
Dear Bilqis,
I am a 17 year old Muslima. I always try to follow the religion of Islam. It is the month of Ramadan right now, and lately I just feel like I really really want to get married. I feel like I’m getting tortured or something because I am not married yet.
I do know I am young, but there have been times where I have had dreams or visions where they kind of gave me good tidings. Those cheer me up a bit, but I dont know what to do.
I definitely dont want a boyfriend or any haram relationship but I’m so confused I dont know what to do. Can you help me?
- Qudsia from USA
SAMAYYA ANSWERS:
Dear Qudsia my sister in Islam, As-Salamu Alaykum wa Rahmatullah,
I can not answer your question from a scholarly viewpoing or from a successful wife’s point of view (as I am divorced), but I can speak to you as if I were speaking to myself when I was seventeen as indeed I wish someone had spoken to me.
Allah is the one who will help you and guide you but InshaAllah He will give me the words to offer you good advice on this very serious topic.
You are at an age where you are feeling the need to move to that next level. The level where you in some way move away from your own family and begin your own life. And marriage is a very important part of Islam. It is in fact said to be half of one’s deen. If you stop to think about that you will realize just how important it is.
Clear Understanding of Rights and Obligations
Once you are married you must give your husband priority after ALLAH. When two people join together their lives should merge together. It takes some time to get used to this transition and takes work and effort but I believe if both husband and wife have a clear understanding of their rights and obligations, and use Islam as their guide of how to treat each other then they can be a key to each others’ Paradise.
So with this in mind, I would urge you to make Salat al-Istikhara and ask Allah to guide you to a man who will be this type of husband for you; and then leave it to ALLAH.
Do Not Push
With Sakeenah (the tranquility that comes from trusting Allah) you will be guided to make the right decision for your soul and not act out of impulse which would be only to please the ego or nafs. Do not push anything yourself, let it all come from Allah. All things that come from Allah swt have a way of being right for us and though there may be some tests of faith involved, they are always best for us; while things we push are too complicated and miss the ease of Allahs will.
If a man comes along that who you believe Allah has sent you, make sure he has his priorities straight and that he will not just be demanding his rights on you without knowing his own obligations to you ; and make sure he is not someone who will put hardship on you.
Study Qur’an, Sunnah, Seerah
At the same time study up from the Qur’an and Hadith and the stories of the wives of the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) for knowledge on how to be the kind of wife who will be a key to Paradise for your future husband. That way, when Allah does put the right man in your path you will know how to be.
And of course we learn as we grow and grow as we learn and you will become better and better until the day you meet your Lord InshaAllah.
So be patient and ask for Allah’s Guidance
With sisterly love,
- Samayya Cabre
Added Note from Wael Abdelgawad:
Thanks to Sr. Samayya for her insightful reminder that we must turn to Allah for guidance in all matters. I read her response several times because I believe what she says is very valuable; and I hope that you, Sr. Qudsia, will do the same.
I want to add some further advice from a more materialistic viewpoint.
In the old days the husband was the family provider and the wife’s job was to raise the children and care for the home. Nowadays, especially in the West, the husband’s income alone is often not enough. It is very common for both the husband and wife to work and bring in income for the family.
Secondly, divorce is much more common these days than it used to be, and families are much more fragmented. A divorced woman, instead of having an extended family to fall back on, often finds herself on her own, struggling to support herself without the benefit of a man’s income.
My point is that a woman in today’s world needs an education and skills. If her marriage is healthy, she may still have to work to supplement the husband’s income. If her marriage ends in divorce, she needs resources to fall back on so she can support herself.
You’re at an age when you are ready to leave the family and be on your own, even if only as a student. It’s natural to want someone to be with, someone to care for you and to be close to. But I recommend that you try to be patient and wait at least until you finish your university studies before you consider marriage.
There’s one more good reason to wait a few more years. Waiting a little longer will give you time to grow and mature on your own, and to discover what kind of person you are and what is important to you in life, so that when you do begin your search for a partner, you’ll have a better idea whether or not you are compatible. As Samayya said, “We learn as we grow and grow as we learn.”
If any readers have advice for this young woman, feel free to post your comments below.
Glory to You Allah, we praise You, we bear witness that there is no God except You, we ask Your forgivess and we repent to You.
Best regards,
- Wael Hesham Abdelgawad, Administrator
AskBilqis.com Islamic Marriage and Family Advice
ZAWAJ.COM Muslim Matrimonials and More!
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Written by wael on November 1st, 2006 with 7 comments.
Read more articles on Islamic Answers 2006 and Marriage and Want to Get Married.