I've been with this guy for almost 7 months now. We are very in love, I care about him immensely. And we are even planning marriage soon. To me he is perfect. There is nothing wrong with him the only problem I have with him is his past. When I first met him he did tell me that he was not a virgin, at that time it did not really bother me because it was a long time ago and he was studying his deen and practicing Islam now so I figured that’s just his past and he’s changed now. But recently I have been really hurting over this. Like it’s really bothering me that he is not a virgin and he’s been with other girls. I feel like if I stayed clean all my life he should have had the will power to do so as well.

Sometimes I have like mental images of him being with other girls or being intimate with them and it literally makes me sick to my stomach. No event really triggered this; I just started feeling like this out of nowhere. I talked to him about it and he told me that was his past and its something he regrets and repents over all the time. He wishes he never did it and he told me just to forget it and move on and pretend that it never happened. But it’s not that easy for me. Sometimes I do get over it but then other times I think about it again. It just makes me so disgusted and angry that he already had sexual intercourse with other girls. They were not even relationships. A couple of them were just random girls that he knew for a little while. I feel like I can never be intimate with him after marriage because it will never be special like it will be for me since its going to be my first time. But I feel like for him its just going to be just another girl. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to keep mentioning it to him either because I know it makes him feel bad when I bring up his past, but I just don’t know how to deal with it.

I don’t want to break up this great relationship because he means so much to me but at the same time I’m having such a hard time getting over his past. Sometimes I even have like graphic images about it. I feel like I’m going crazy.

~Pinkberry

A brief summary is that I fell in love with a guy and how everything went. We had physical relationship and promised each other to look after another through thick and thin. But later on that when I asked him to marry me, he refused. He mentioned the caste issues and other issues of his life. He had an affair with another girl before with whom he was physical for six years and wanted to marry her too. but her parents married her to a doctor. He felt bad because he only wanted to marry her because according to her she was the best and of a sound character too. according to him the sound character was to have premarital sex with only man man at a time. well before our committment I always asked him that I would marry you and he always said that he would try. But later on he refused for no reason.

He said 'you are stubborn girl and I want to marry the girl of my parents' choice' bla bla bla. I did everything to get myself out of this problem. I am talking to a counselor also these days. But I am still standing at the same place. I still wish if I could convince him to marry me but I failed badly. He still says that love does not mean to marry. He asks that if you love me then just have sexual relationship with me but I won't marry you because you are a stubborn girl and so if you want to marry then marry the man of your family's choice. But I said to him that I can't do this because I love you only. It has been 6 months now again that I have been trying to convince him but still no use.

I don't know whats wrong with me. I know unfortunately that what is right and what is wrong, I know what is the difference between ethical and unethical, I know what are the moral values, unfortunately I know everything but still my mind and heart says that he is my man and I have to convince him. I accept he lied to me because he never wanted to marry me and used me physically then why I am unable to forget about him. What is wrong with me. I am getting revengeful, I keep on planning how to kill him because he ruined my self, he took away my virginity and left me alone. He is a pathetic liar I know but then why I still want him.

I pray alot and read quran daily and keep on supplicating to Allah to help me than still the things are not changing. Every night I don't feel like sleeping, I feel stressed and tensed. I have gone into depression. I hate myself and I hate everyone. I feel like committing suicide because due to that man I have lost my self confidence, my love, my sincerity my everything. I begged him so much for marrying me because I dont want to marry someone else and can't ruin the life of another man.

I know guys want to marry a clean virgin girl but then how can I fulfil this criteria now as I myself know the reality. This life is becoming a burden for me. Every moment is becoming aweful. He is always on my mind. I know I love him still but I want to murder him because he ruined my life. I am unable to forgive him. I keep on cursing him. But I now feel that instead of cursing him I am cursing my own self by facing this pathetic psychological situation. I want to run and and want to kill him for sure. Why why why I am thinking like this. I know its haram, I know what I did was haram, then why am I still not doing anything good?

I am facing severe mental tensions and pressures, I have also talked to my friends about this situation but still I am hopeless because inside I feel like convincing him. I keep on thinking about the plans that how to convince him. He was a liar, he used me, he made me feel like a trash, he never wanted to marry me, he always refused marrying me then why am I still in love with him. What is wrong with me? Why don't I understand? I always prayed to Allah for blessing me with the best man and then he just came into my life. If he was not destined for me and although I prayed for a good man then why did he come?

I pray to Allah for getting me out of this situation. I seek forgiveness from Allah. I pray alot and do continuous astagfaar. As a muslim I am trying my best to now put my trust on Allah only then why I am still depressed. Why don't I forget him? Should I commit suicide or what? O my God what I am talking? I don't know what to do now. I have to have a neat clean life. I just want to love my husband only but I just wonder that I tried so much then why Allah didnt destine him for me? I did so much to convince him then why Allah didnt listen my prayer. I know I did bad bad stuff but I never wanted to it just happened in love with that man.

Now why he is not ready to marry me if he had sex with me, why why why? How to forget about this past and how to get out of this. I really dont know because whatever strategy I have used gone useless. Nothing is working in my situation. It seems I have gone crazy. I know Allah is angry with me but he is the most Merciful the Most Forgiving. I get so much upset and angry when I think that he would marry someone else. This thought make me mad. I get so much exasperated that I really want to kill him. I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS THIS? This was not me. But this is me.

My heart is so heavy and dull...The feelings of regret over fornication and so called love have dwelled envy and exasperation inside me against the people whom I see happy and satisfied....I dont know whats wrong with me....I pray and read Quran alot and do zikr but it seems that the Allah is angry with me and Allah should be because I crossed the limits and transgressed the limits of Islam....but Allah is Oft Forgiving then why Allah is not listening to me and if Allah is listening then why I am still facing this tough situation...even right now I am in my office but I really want to hit my head hard into the wall and want to kill that S***bag and want to kill his Ex girl due to which he did all this to me...

But at the sametime I think about the reality also....the reality is that he was not completely responsible for everything and I don't even know that lady from whom I feel jealous....Sometimes I feel like why the people are happy and why I am not...how people successfully manage relationships and get the love of their life and live happily...why the things dont work for me....I am an unsuccessful girl....I always wanted to marry and still I want to but I dont know why I can't forget him...I curse him curse him and curse him because I have gone crazy....

Goshhhh.....whats wrong with me....I want to get out of all this but nothing is happening in my favour....then I think that I would keep myself busy in my work but my job is so weird and pathetic that I cant keep myself busy even...I dont know why this mess up is not ending up....Why Allah is not lessening the tensions and burdens for me....I know this is not right to complain but I am so tired and messed up....I was never like this, I was full of life and so good but the kick in love has ruined me and has shattered my girly dreams and everything....

I don't know what to do and what not to do....I just want to know how to forget him and everything...I don't want to be a sinner anymore...I don't want to commit any sin ....I don't want to hurt anyone....I don't want to do anything that could make Allah angry....might be I am facing the punishment of my sins but  I know Allah is oft forgiving....

I am really upset right now...it seems like that I wont ever find a loving man....it seems as that I won't be happy again and I would stay the same....Gosh....I don't know what to do....my heart is so heavy and hurt....I am having tears in my eyes....I keep on crying the whole day that whats wrong with me....I know I have gone crazy and I wont be fine ever....my family feels as I wont be able to find a good man ever....even they are facing so problems regarding finding a perfect match....they dont know what to do and what not to do.....Gosh....dont know what to write....

Please guide and pray for me.....

~Candy Candy

Asalam o alikum

I am very confused about this situation I hope I will get some advice about what to do it's like just today my mother confessed that she had been cheating on my father from the last one year and though my mother and father have been married for the last 19 years and nothing like that ever happened before. So since I am their elder daughter it hurts me to know that and I just want to make things right .

Today she started crying and told me everything. She said she repents and she has prayed for forgiveness although she was going to tell my father about this but I told her not to tell him because I don't really want him to lose his trust but in general she asked him if he would forgive her for anything that happened he said he will because anytime if something ever happened my mother would always forgive and I myself could never expect this but now the it seems like things are complicated.

She said she is married to him and I asked how I said was it any legal marriage or did you sign any paper she said no and she said she did it because she thought as she was involved illegally with that guy she married him so she could get divorce for him and become my father's again. Alright now according to me all of this doesn't make sense. I don't have much knowledge but I guess what she said that's only needed after "talak " right? I mean she was not divorced with my father even after that illegal relation she was still his wife right?

She said something like it makes women haram on her husband but just a relation doesn't need you to do that right? and on the other hand I don't think that would be a marriage, like there is no clear evidence of that marriage and plus I was just reading one article and it said that if people are in illicit relationship and want to get married, they should be ordered to make istibra'. This means that they must separate and have no contact with one another for one full month until it can be established that she is not pregnant.

So I don't thing she separated for one month - so would that even constitute a marriage ?? I mean that was just verbal yes or no and no clear evidence ? I just kept telling her that was not a marriage she said she thought it was and she kept asking him for divorce but he didn't in fact now he keeps black mailing her that he has some videos and recordings that he will show to my father.

I tried to calm her down and I told her nothing is going to happen and that I will help her. I said I will talk to him myself and make him see that he can't make us distrust you no matter how much he tries and I know even if my father will know everything he will forgive her I know he will get hurt at first. I am just so confused can someone tell me how do I stop this guy ? and should I count that as a marriage? I want to see my parents happy together I love them so much .

I hope someone helps me. I have no one else to tell and I have to make it right on my own so please someone tell me I am so worried.

Few months ago I posted a question ("Pregnant by Saudi Boyfriend") regarding my pregnancy and I was left by a Saudi guy after a long term "serious relationship.

Some of you advised me to find out the family of my boyfriend and let him know about the baby on way, so after long days of searching I finally found out an address and a phone of his family.

Asking some Saudis they said that there are not specific addresses and what they do is to send letters or packages by Fedex, write the name of the receiving person, and the phone number, so when the letter or package arrives the office contact them to go to pick what they receive, it this true?

I was planning to send his father a letter letting him know about the situation but I don't know what exactly to say, because I am afraid that he will just ignore my letter and continue the life as if nothing happened. Some people advised me to send the letter now saying that I'm pregnant and in few weeks the baby will born, that I don't expect money from them that I just expect the father of my baby to be involved in his life and name him as he deserve. On the other hand, there are people saying that I should wait until the baby is born to send them the letter plus pictures of the baby. As result of all this advice I am  confused and right now I don't know what to do, if I should send the letter now or just wait?

In the same way, I am afraid of what their (parents) reaction will be because for sure in so traditional country this will be such a dishonor for them, more because they are well known in the society, and they are known as a good family that helps people in need as well. I want to believe that they will be good and they won't left his grandson alone and they will be worry about my son emotional health, but on the other hand the dishonor of their family is at stake and probably they would like to keep it in secret and never talk about that, so they just going to forget my letter and act as if they don't receive nothing.

Please brothers and sister, help me with this because I'm struggle of what I should do and how I can do it. I wish to receive some advice as soon as possible because I'll give birth soon.

Allah ybarek lak.

~Maria_us

Assalam O Alaikum

After reading all these posts i am feeling terrible... As i had a relationship with my cousin almost 4 years 8 months back.. his mother gave commitment to my family.. that when his studies got completed we'll get them married... but from that they never talked to my family about this ever since we had start having problems..

And we did commit that awful sin which we never supposed to do that and i feel terrible for that..

As almost 5 months back he left me for the reason that i gave him pressures to complete his studies and do something in his life which i guess he's not liking it so far...

But when i involved his family everything went wrong and he and his family said get married to someone else.. as no one knows before that what happened between us ... :'(  but i had to tell my family when they start finding a guy for me to get married i told my mom about it and his sister as she is my cousin... but this time things comes out more worse...

I knew whatever i am doing is not right but there was some issues that i had to, for that i just HATE myself like anything... and now he has obviously left me... coz i already told him last year now i dont want to do anything until and unless we wont get married... and yes i also gave him pressures for getting married as soon as possible but he was not in a condition to get married as his studies are not completed yet his father was even retired... but still after knowing that what happened between us his family did nothing but told my mom that now my son dont wants to get marry her anymore..

Its almost been 5 months that we are separated and tried everything to work this relationship but he is not interested anymore... he often blamed me for many many reason... and i dont even want to get married i dont want any one else life gets into any trouble...

My as my parents are not listen they have given me some time as i am now not at all feeling well continuously loosing weight i dont like to be happy just tried once to commit suicide but as i prayer 5 times a day.. i just dont wanted to commit one more sin.

Just wanted to know what should I do.. because I really don't think I can marry anyone else anymore .. for me I already accepted him as my husband and still I cannot believe that he did this to me... I still think he will come back one day as he talked to me damn rudely... and I don't want to marry anyone else even... I have this feeling coz I know my love for him was pure, he was the first person in my life and I wish would be the last one too...

As I have stopped living my life, I don't eat much, I don't go out much, I most of the time crying not letting my family know about it as they are also tired of my situation. I most of the time fainted I have started with many health problems and they all are created by me I know coz I hardly eat and often thinks alot...

I often pray for forgiveness. I dont even know whether Allah SWT will ever forgive me or not... I actually after that came closer to Allah SWT... and even asks him if He will send him back one day then give me strength otherwise for good take me away from this world and forgive my sins..

Will anyone please tell me whether I am right that I am still hoping that he will come back as he left me like this...??? As I have this feeling inside me..

And please pray for me if you think I am worthy enough for that...

- Unknown

Am I wrong? My husband cheated on me with a woman & conceived a child and continued to cheat. He hasnt married her & he admits that she's not good wife material for him & that it wouldnt benefit me. She has made a sexy calendar & sent him sexy pics of herself to my husband.

She's very disrespectful.

Is my husband responsible for this woman? This is her second child from two different men. I have so much hate I'm trying to pray away. I feel so alone now. I'm by myself A LOT now and he can't support me emotionally or spiritually or mentally.

Help please.

Asalaam'alaikum, I married when I was 18 and now me and my husband have been married for four years. Just before our wedding, my husband physically cheated on me, he apologized, said it was stress due to his mothers alcoholism so I forgave him. However, throughout our marriage, whenever I went on a holiday to see my parents, I found that he spoke to women online etc, but I have forgiven him every time (4 times till now).

A year ago he got a job in Medina ( Saudi Arabia) and I have been with my parents waiting for my visa ever since. 2 months ago we went on a holiday to meet up and had an amazing time. When I came back, I found out he made another account and a dating web page where hes stated single etc. If that was not bad enough I found that he had been talking to girls on the phone for hours everyday when he would hardly call me or text me under the pretense of being very busy.

I spoke to this one girl who told me they have told each other they love one another, they have had web cam sex..an emotional affair for 2 months. After I confronted my husband, he apologised, told me he didn't love her and that the only reason he said he did was to initiate a sex conversation. He did this throughout Ramadhaan. I have forgiven him for the sake of Allah but I just cannot get over it this time.

I still don't live with him as we have visa issues and he expects me to forgive and forget and to carry on. At times I'm ok with him but my anger and thoughts resurface and I don't know what to do. Islamicaly is there such a thing as depression since he has repeated this and its been a pattern every time I go away..how can I forgive him and make him realize that he cannot run away from his reponsibilities anymore?

He doesnt go home to sleep because he feels lonely, he sleeps at work, or at a friends place. I love him..I have been with him since I was 14 but it was only after I married that I started practicing.

Please help!

Hi I'm 30 years old mashallah. I have six beautiful children and a good husband. I would just like to share some major problems I'm having if you guys can help me. Mashallah I'm reading my five time namaaz and try to do my talawat and dhikr on a daily basis. The problem is actually my marriage, for the first ten years my husband and his family had emotional physically financially and verbally abused me- accused me of having affairs and his son not being his?? We had aborted our first child because of his infidelity and he neglected our other children. He made me move home 9 times in the last 13 years, and I've been very unsettled till this day.

The problem is my marriage was already decided at the age of 15 and I finally got engaged and then married in July 1998. I was happy with the rishta because the parents were happy and the guy (A) was a good match. Before my time of engagement I had obviously been in the sixth form, I had many male friends and mashallah all of them were good friends. I never dated or was seen as the type!!! Anyway, before engagement I had quite often felt vibes by a particular guy (B) that he had somewhat intentions of him liking me?? I dont know, to be honest I was very naive, I didnt understand much.

When I had left sixth form in May 1998, I met everyone from school but this particular guy didnt meet me. Anyway, I carried on knowing I'm beggining my new life, and then BANG it hit me I felt I had some feelings for this guy (B).

Anyway, to cut the story short, as I had mentioned I had a pretty bad time in the last ten years of my marriage. I think I handled it quite well with the amount of tolerance and patience I put with. It was hell, honest!! Anywaym, just a few months back I met up with an old school friend and we decided to do a school reunion...what mistake did I make?? I met that particular guy (B) there. He was the only person I did not speak to in the restaurant because you know that feeling you get when you kinda know someone likes you? So I avoided him. Since that day, this guy is not getting out of my mind. I can't stop thinking about him. I daydream, I can't eat, i can't sleep, I can't do anything right.

Alhamdullilah my husband changed his attitude after my last daughter becuase i left him in 2007 knowing he will NEVER CHANGE HIS WAYS...but Allah knows best, the guy my husband changed. Now the problem is, I find it very difficult to forget what he's done to me in the past ten years, and its killing me because I know how difficult my life has been. One day I did dhikr and talawat and before fajr namaz and I had a dream of this guy (B) that I knew in school. That morning I was really happy and I went to the TAX office for some appointment and I had a very certain feeling I knew he was gonna be there...and guess what when I turned around wham there he was in my face! So, I just nervously asked said "hi" and asked him wHAt he was doing there, but I'm telling you the guy (B) speaks with his eyes...it's like he said sooo much to me in a matter of seconds!! I read namaz and asked Allah SWT not to ever do a manouvere like that with me again...its embarassing!!

All I need to know is why is this guy is coming back into my life again and why can't I stop thinking about him? It feels as though I'm more like his soulmate. I don't want to do zina, but I think by me thinking of him thats what's happening. I'm not going to do anything bad, may allah SWT forgive me. I am steadfast in my prayers but what it is he's sweeping me off my feet and I am really going distant from my husband. I can't take it anymore...I pray not to think about him- still I think about him! What shall I do?

Salam Aleikoum

I am a convert Muslim and found a born Muslim to marry. One problem is that he is married in another country which is fine with me, except we can not obtain a marriage license thus the mosques will not marry us. This is a big problem because Islamically we are allowed to marry but legally we are not.

We found ourselves alone, well with Shaitan as a 3rd party of course and I fell pregnant. We have repented to Allah and are staying away from each other, but still desperately want to marry each other and raise our baby in a proper Muslim family. We have tried so hard to find a mosque to marry us but no one will do it without the marriage license which we can not get because he would have to divorce and not be able to bring his daughters here.

Is there a scholar in the Bay Area who is willing to marry us? We just want to live a good Islamic life and raise our baby with a Muslim family. I am now due in 2 weeks and am so so so sad and desperate to just be married under Allah's way.

Please will someone marry us? We are located in San Francisco. We just want a second chance please someone help us!

~Muslima107

Is my marriage permissible?

Hi,

I am a non muslim from new zealand who up until recently had been seeing a Fijian/indian muslim guy. (for almost 3years; 1 living together). We aren't married and haven't done nikkah. He isn't a devout Muslim; he smokes and drinks alcohol and almost never goes 2 the mosque or prays. We both eat haram food. (jst not pork.) I never really had a relationship with his family until recently. We broke up for 5 months at the beginning of the year and got back together in July. After this started to see his parents a lot more and kind of got a little bit close with them.
I am currently 13 weeks pregnant; we found out in 6th weeks and when we told his parents they were furious saying I MUST get an abortion, I am just using him and I got pregnant on purpose. They disowned him and 2 weeks later they came 2 my parents (where we were staying) while we weren't home and said for him 2 come over sometime (which was their way of apologizing). He started 2 go there again but I refused feeling like they wanted 2 kill my child. When I was 10 weeks pregnant; his mum called and invited me over 2 talk so I went thinking I was going 2 get an apology for the things they said; which I didn't! Instead they said they had figured out 'damage control' for the situation.
We all thought that nikkah couldn't be done while I was pregnant so they explained 2 me that we would instead LIE to the community and everyone saying their son and I did nikkah in secret and came back to have the celebration. I was told it would b a 'small party' so I agreed; I later found out it would be my wedding with 350 people that i didn't know. I also wouldn't get to plan it and it would be done in 3 weeks time. When I realized what was happening; I tried to back out, I was told that if we didn't go through with it that his family wouldn't have anything to do with him. Because, I didn't want him to loose his family I agreed.
When we first found out I was pregnant he (the father of my child) said he wanted 2 start attending the mosque more, give up smoking and drinking and also stop eating haram. I was happy to hear these things. But, he didn't change; 4 weeks later and still no change. He kept making excuses that he would but didn't. While I was 10 weeks pregnant; we were at his parents' house with a lot of his family around. He hadn't had a cigarette all day and I refused to let him have one (I had his wallet so he couldn't buy any); we physically fought for half an hour as he was trying to get it off me. He finally gave up when his cousin arrived with some. I was so embarrassed, angry and emotional that I just hid in the bedroom and cried. His mother made him come in we talked for 5 minutes before he agreed to take me back to my mums.

When we arrived he packed all his clothes and left. I messaged him and said he could have his ciggarettes if they meant that much to him and it was over between us. He never texted me back. I haven't heard from him in 3 weeks.
Should I give him a break about smoking? Am I just making a big deal about nothing? I stopped eating pork when we first met and haven't eaten it since. He's never given up anything for me. We are having a baby now me converting so his child can be raised Muslim; should be more important than a cancer stick.
Also I feel his parents are being unfair in forcing us to 'marry' it is something I want to do with him but its also something I want to spend months planning and not have my mother in law plan everything FOR ME in a matter of weeks.

Any advice please help!

mum2b.