June 1, 2007
This question is answered by Wael Abdelgawad, Editor of AskBilqis.com Islamic Marriage Advice, and Zawaj.com Muslim Matrimonial Service.
QUESTION:
Dear Bilqis,
I am an English muslim convert married to a Moroccan man for 15 years. We have 3 girls. Our relationship has always been rocky, but we have had good times as well. Both us have managed to get through bad times because of our kids.Although my husband can be very kind and extremely generous to us Ma’sha’Allah, the problem lies with his anger and aggression.
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Written by wael on May 31st, 2007 with 3 comments.
Read more articles on Marriage and Problems in the Marriage and Islamic Answers 2007.
October 31, 2006
This question is answered by Wael Abdelgawad, the AskBilqis.com and Zawaj.com Editor and Administrator.
QUESTION:
Dear Bilqis,
I have been married for 6 months now though I am only 18 years old.
I fell in love with the guy and he was and still is a nice guy. But he had this habit before we got married, he was obssessed with alcohol and drugs.
He told me he would quit after we got married, but I’m getting really suspicious that he is still doing it. I can see it from his eyes when he gets high! And he sits there and lies about it everytime. I say what’s wrong with your eyes, he says I just woke up from sleep but I know he wasn’t sleeping.
I’m not pregnant yet but my biggest fear is that when I have his baby, how will he be able to support me and the baby if he wont stop behaving that way. I really love him but I don’t know what to do. One side of my head is telling me, “Leave him, he’s wasting your time.” Another side of me is telling me to stay with him and see if anything would change.
Why is he still addicted to drugs? Is something bothering him? Please write back.
Maasalama,
- Young Woman from Somalia
WAEL ANSWERS:
Dear Young Woman, As-Salamu Alaykum wa Rahmatullah,
You know that part of you that is saying, “Leave him, he’s wasting your time”?
Listen to that part.
I’m quite a bit older than you and I have been around the block a few or a few dozen times. Having grown up in the United States, I have seen and known people who had problems with alcohol or drugs, both Muslims (rare in my experience) and non-Muslims (more common). I had one friend who died of a heroin addiction when I had no idea he was even using it. I had another friend who quit using cocaine and I gave that person a lot of encouragement, but then that person began using it again and I ended our friendship permanently.
So let me explain a few things about drug addiction:
1. Drug addiction is not something you can reason or explain
There is no way to know or understand why your husband uses drugs and alcohol. It could be that he is depressed and it takes his mind off his worries. It could be that he came from an abusive family environment, or that he is following an example set by his father or some other family member. It could be that he is physically addicted and unable to stop, even if he wants to. Or it could just be that he enjoys it. There’s really no way to know, and it’s a waste of time to try to figure it out. The simple fact is, he is an addict and he is not going to change until he is ready. Which brings me to my second point…
2. The desire to quit must come from him
You can love him, encourage him, pressure him, harangue him, shout at him… it will not make any difference. He will not quit until he is ready. It has to come from inside him, out of his own burning desire. Unfortunately, in most cases this does not happen until the addict has hit rock bottom. By that time he has either destroyed all his family relationships and ended up homeless, or he is dead. Being around an addict will drive you crazy and make your life a living hell. Why?
Because…
3. Addicts lie, cheat and steal
That’s what an addict does. He may be able to maintain some control over his life and keep a job in the beginning but eventually it starts to fall apart. At this point he begins to steal to get money to pay for his habit.
And addicts lie all the time, to everyone, especially to their own friends and family. They are not in control of their own lives. The drug is in control. You cannot reason with them and you cannot trust them.
Count this as a difficult lesson learned
You’re very young, and so you can be forgiven and excused for making the mistake of believing this loser and trusting him (and marrying him).
Fortunately you do not have any children yet - alhamdulillah, you should really be very, very grateful and thankful to Allah that you have learned your lesson at a very young age and you can get out of this doomed relationship and move on with your life without any serious baggage to take with you.
If any readers have some advice for this young woman, feel free to post your comments below.
Glory to You Allah, we praise You, we bear witness that there is no God except You, we ask Your forgivess and we repent to You.
Best regards,
- Wael Hesham Abdelgawad, Administrator
AskBilqis.com Islamic Marriage and Family Advice
ZAWAJ.COM Muslim Matrimonials and More!
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Written by wael on October 30th, 2006 with 7 comments.
Read more articles on Islamic Answers 2006 and Marriage and Should I Leave Him/Her?.
October 30, 2006
This question is answered by Wael Abdelgawad, the AskBilqis.com and Zawaj.com Editor and Administrator.
QUESTION:
Dear Bilqis,
Thank you for your website. It is a great help to many Muslims out there.
I have just found out my husband has cheated on me while I am now pregnant. He admitted it and he told me he was sorry and begged for forgivness and said he would repent to Allah and try to make me forgive him till the day he dies.
He told me all the details of what happened and although there was no actual sexual intercourse he did commit zena by nudity and oral sex.
I took time to think and told him I forgive him because I still do love him and also for my baby.
Is this the right action for a Muslim woman? Should I have not forgiven him or does Islam tell the woman to forgive?
Please advise me as I am now scared I made the wrong decision.
Thank you.
- Sister L. from New Zealand
WAEL ANSWERS:
Dear Sister L., As-Salamu Alaykum wa Rahmatullah,
As you know, zinaa (fornication or adultery) is a major sin in Islam. It destroys families and tears apart the fabric of the society. It breaks the hearts of husbands and wives and causes a lack of trust and a disillusionment with one’s partner that is often permanent.
I sympathize with you and with the pain you must be experiencing. The fact that you are pregnant makes this especially trying, since this is a time when a woman needs love and support from her husband, not stress.
I cannot tell you what to do in this situation. You must follow your own heart. But I can point out some issues to consider:
1. You said that he has already made tawbah (repentance) to Allah. I will assume that his repentance is sincere. If this is the case, then it’s up to Allah to judge him and his sin. We all make mistakes in life - some worse than others, admittedly. But we all require forgiveness at some point in our lives.
2. Islam values forgiveness and mercy. If you truly believe that he will not repeat these actions, and if (aside from this incident) he is a loving and kind husband, then I feel that forgiving him is the best thing for you, your baby and your family.
3. In order for that to work, you must be able to truly forgive, and not to hold a grudge or to constantly attack him with his past behavior.
4. With all that said, I am not suggesting that you should be a doormat to be stepped on. If you give him a second chance, he must live up to it. If he cheats on you again, or carries on inappopriate behavior with women, then it’s over. There should be no third chances. Otherwise you just become a victim to be taken advantage of endlessly.
If any readers have experienced this, or have further advice, feel free to post your comments below.
Glory to You Allah, we praise You, we bear witness that there is no God except You, we ask Your forgivess and we repent to You.
Best regards,
- Wael Hesham Abdelgawad, Administrator
AskBilqis.com Islamic Marriage and Family Advice
ZAWAJ.COM Muslim Matrimonials and More!
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Written by wael on October 29th, 2006 with no comments.
Read more articles on Islamic Answers 2006 and Marriage and Problems in the Marriage.