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Aslam-e-Aliekum…
ive been married 3yrs..and have no kids .. both me and my husband got ourselves checked we r both fine AllhamduLilah.. dr’s r going on with their normal standard prcedures iui and then later on they will try IVF(test tube)……
Written by desperate on February 18th, 2007 with no comments.
Read more articles on Marriage and Problems in the Marriage and Should I Leave Him/Her?.
This question is answered by Wael Abdelgawad, the AskBilqis.com and Zawaj.com Editor and Administrator.
Dear Bilqis,
I have been married for 6 months now though I am only 18 years old.
I fell in love with the guy and he was and still is a nice guy. But he had this habit before we got married, he was obssessed with alcohol and drugs.
He told me he would quit after we got married, but I’m getting really suspicious that he is still doing it. I can see it from his eyes when he gets high! And he sits there and lies about it everytime. I say what’s wrong with your eyes, he says I just woke up from sleep but I know he wasn’t sleeping.
I’m not pregnant yet but my biggest fear is that when I have his baby, how will he be able to support me and the baby if he wont stop behaving that way. I really love him but I don’t know what to do. One side of my head is telling me, “Leave him, he’s wasting your time.” Another side of me is telling me to stay with him and see if anything would change.
Why is he still addicted to drugs? Is something bothering him? Please write back.
Maasalama,
- Young Woman from Somalia
Dear Young Woman, As-Salamu Alaykum wa Rahmatullah,
You know that part of you that is saying, “Leave him, he’s wasting your time”?
Listen to that part.
I’m quite a bit older than you and I have been around the block a few or a few dozen times. Having grown up in the United States, I have seen and known people who had problems with alcohol or drugs, both Muslims (rare in my experience) and non-Muslims (more common). I had one friend who died of a heroin addiction when I had no idea he was even using it. I had another friend who quit using cocaine and I gave that person a lot of encouragement, but then that person began using it again and I ended our friendship permanently.
So let me explain a few things about drug addiction:
1. Drug addiction is not something you can reason or explain
There is no way to know or understand why your husband uses drugs and alcohol. It could be that he is depressed and it takes his mind off his worries. It could be that he came from an abusive family environment, or that he is following an example set by his father or some other family member. It could be that he is physically addicted and unable to stop, even if he wants to. Or it could just be that he enjoys it. There’s really no way to know, and it’s a waste of time to try to figure it out. The simple fact is, he is an addict and he is not going to change until he is ready. Which brings me to my second point…
2. The desire to quit must come from him
You can love him, encourage him, pressure him, harangue him, shout at him… it will not make any difference. He will not quit until he is ready. It has to come from inside him, out of his own burning desire. Unfortunately, in most cases this does not happen until the addict has hit rock bottom. By that time he has either destroyed all his family relationships and ended up homeless, or he is dead. Being around an addict will drive you crazy and make your life a living hell. Why?
Because…
3. Addicts lie, cheat and steal
That’s what an addict does. He may be able to maintain some control over his life and keep a job in the beginning but eventually it starts to fall apart. At this point he begins to steal to get money to pay for his habit.
And addicts lie all the time, to everyone, especially to their own friends and family. They are not in control of their own lives. The drug is in control. You cannot reason with them and you cannot trust them.
Count this as a difficult lesson learned
You’re very young, and so you can be forgiven and excused for making the mistake of believing this loser and trusting him (and marrying him).
Fortunately you do not have any children yet - alhamdulillah, you should really be very, very grateful and thankful to Allah that you have learned your lesson at a very young age and you can get out of this doomed relationship and move on with your life without any serious baggage to take with you.
If any readers have some advice for this young woman, feel free to post your comments below.
Glory to You Allah, we praise You, we bear witness that there is no God except You, we ask Your forgivess and we repent to You.
Best regards,
- Wael Hesham Abdelgawad, Administrator
AskBilqis.com Islamic Marriage and Family Advice
ZAWAJ.COM Muslim Matrimonials and More!
Written by wael on October 30th, 2006 with 7 comments.
Read more articles on Islamic Answers 2006 and Marriage and Should I Leave Him/Her?.