Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Catholic White girl and Pakistani boyfriend

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I am a Catholic girl who has been dating this Pakistani boy for about a year and a half now. I am soo in love with him, and I believe he feels the same way about me. He is my first love, and viseversa. My mom was fine with it until he left me.

About two months ago someone told his mother about our relationship and he said to me that we couldn't see each other anymore, that he was not ready for a serious relationship, so we have to call it off. I cried a lot and keep messaging him non stop and took him out on his birthday.

Now we start the school and he said he loves me, and we are going to be together and we are not going to tell anyone, especially my mother. Well I understand she was very upset. I cannot tell my friends because they all think he is a player and he is just using me.

He says that the reason why he can not tell his mother is in love with me is because his mother is upset that someone else told her. Now he says we have to wait for a while and after he will tell her and she will accept me. He also says that the person that told her about us is the one that destroyed our relationship. He also says no to tell my mom because he thinks she hates him and he thinks she is the one that told his mom about us. I am very confuse; do you think he loves me like he says

I want to be happy, but sometimes I wonder if eveyone is wrong or I am the one. I am so confused.

Please can I have some help I am doing right

~ Alfonsina


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21 Responses »

  1. Hi Alfonsina.

    I am sorry to hear about your situation. And I am even more sorry for what I am about to say as I know it will be hurtful but I honestly believe it is the truth or is nearly always the outcome in such situations. (Take a look around this site and you will see.)

    Lets start with this guys actions, and for now forget that you love one another and put that aside so we can think rationally.

    "About two months ago someone told his mother about our relationship and he said to me that we couldn't see each other anymore, that he was not ready for a serious relationship, so we have to call it off."

    This is not the actions of someone who is serious about you. Loving someone is one thing. Being committed to someone and serious about them is another. They don't always go hand in hand. Really if he was serious he would have not hidden it from his mother. He would have probably introduced you to her.

    "Now we start the school and he said he loves me, and we are going to be together and we are not going to tell anyone, especially my mother."

    Do you really want to be a secret? Honestly I think you should leave this man alone and in time you will find someone who will honour you, marry you and accept you openly. You are worth more than to be a secret girlfriend.

    "I cannot tell my friends because they all think he is a player and he is just using me."

    When we are in love, we are blinded by emotions - we often cannot see whats real and whats not. We see them as perfect. Those people not in the midst of them can often see what we can't. Just a thought for you.

    "I want to be happy, but sometimes I wonder if eveyone is wrong or I am the one. I am so confused."

    I am sorry to analyse yet another piece of your post but I believe this is conflict in yourself. Your heart is saying take a risk, but your instinct knows deep down your heading for trouble. Listen to your instinct. It is a gift from God and is rarely wrong.

    An important point to mention here is Islamically, this guy should not be dating you. It is forbidden in Islam. Which is one reason why he probably didnt tell his mother. But if this guy was serious about you, he would stay away from you encourage you to look into Islam and then pursue marriage with you at another time (when you are ready.) He would not date you, especially not secretly. Open your eyes. I know your probably thinking 'if I convert he will accept me.' Islamically if you convert to Islam (sincerely and not for him), there is no reason why you two cannot marry BUT many cultures wrongly refuse to allow their child to marry a non-pakistani.

    It may be that this boys family expect him to marry someone from back in Pakistan, or a cousin. This guy may know this. So deep down you both have different expectations. He wants to date you for now, you want something serious. Look into Islam. Not for him, but for you. It is a beautiful religion which may give you peace. We believe in only One God, and He has no son, no family. He is One. Every aspect of our life, even from kind acts is a way to worship God.

    Also please take a look around the site and you will see many e.gs of girls who have waited for their Muslim bfs for years, only to find out he got engaged or married. Dont be one of those girls. Know that in time you will move on and you deserve better thanto be a secret. I pray that God blesses you, fill you with light, guidance and happiness and gives you a husband who treats you well and loves you like u deserve.

    Sara
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. Alfonsina,

    I understand what you are going through is a very hard thing, the mixing of two cultures and two different religions can be a very hard thing, requires a lot of work, healthy communication, respect and understanding for the others culture and religion and lots of patience among other things. I know this from first hand experience, I was raised Catholic and my fiance is a Palestinian Muslim. His family lives back home in Palestine and we live here in America, my mother and her husband as well as many of our friends have been very supportive of our relationship. However, in the beginning he did not tell his family, which didn't bother me too much because we were not very serious and they lived so far away. As we became more serious and I began to understand more about Islam and his culture it bothered me very much that his family did not know and that he made an effort to conceal it. We had a talk about it and he called his family and tried to talk with them, they were not ok with it and told him if he continued to see me they would cut him out of the family.
    We separated for awhile and during this time he was able to think about our relationship and so was I, during this time he went back home to his family for a visit and sat down with them and talked about our relationship. He told them he wanted to marry me, and he would like their approval, and that this is a decision that he has made after much thought and consideration. Having his family approve for us to be together was such a relief, they were very honest about it and said they trusted his decision and while they were not completely comfortable with it, if it is the right decision they will eventually embrace it. My point of telling you this is that while the waiting time felt like forever and it was painful it was very beneficial for us, we were both able to look at the situation without the veil of lust and love lingering in front of our eyes. To really think about what a life together would be like and the different sacrifices that each would have to make, I am learning about Islam (with no pressure from him to convert) so that when we have children I am able to raise them as good muslim children. (I am very pleased to say I am enjoying it very much and while conversion/reversion is still a scary step for me now, the similarities in the religions are very strong and I am happy to keep learning about Islam)
    The most important thing is to know that I am no longer a secret (I spoke with his parents via webcam, so I know for sure lol) that pressure on me was too much and it felt like such a disrespect. Another thing that I was happy about was that now that we will be getting married and are engaged he does not have to feel the guilt for having a girlfriend, which I knew began to weigh on him before we separated.
    If this man really loves you then he will be more than willing to go to his family and talk to them about being with you in the proper Islamic way. Do not be his secret again, it will make you feel terrible and you deserve better than that, and if he loves you he will understand that. Also if your family and friends are not approving of him, then you must have an open mind and think about why they feel this way, and you must look at him as objectively as possible, as a man and as a person, not as someone you are in love with. These types of blended faith and culture relationships are hard even when the two people get along perfectly. You will need the support of your family and friends through it, and right now they are not supporting it, you must understand why they are not.
    My advice to you is to not get back together with him, think about who he is a person and evaluate his character, if you are satisfied with it and he still wants to be with you, then tell him he must do it the right way, not as a secret, he must talk to his parents, and he must be ready for a serious commitment. From the behavior you have described this guy seems like a jerk, no matter what religion he is.
    I wish you the best and am here for you.
    Nicole

    • Good words and excellent advice, Nicole.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • This is a good approach to a situation like this, but at the same time I ask, if this man and his parents are fine with your 'dating' before marriage, think about the fact you will marrying into a culture instead of into Islam. Ask this person if his sister can date an American guy and have the same outcome to her situation, you will see how consistent such cultures are, and how untruthful to Islam and its values of respect and equality for both men and women

      • His parents were not ok with us dating, and after he returned to the states from talking with his parents back home we became engaged. We will be having our nikan soon. Dating was never seen as acceptable by his family.

  3. Dear Sister,

    I can sincerely tell you that, he is wasting your time. He knows muslim sis would not do this, and he knows his family will tie him up with his cousin. So, He is looking for a part time GF till he go back to pakistan to get married . I am very sorry my dear Sis but that is the trueth.We have lots of these cases in UK. This habits do not represent islam, these are some corrupted muslims who do what they desire and dont care about hurting others. They can not blame religion or even their culture, it is who they are. They dont even show this colour to their own family.
    His approach tells it all. He doesn't want your mum to know, because he already realised your mum have spotted he is a doggy man. obviously your mum would protect you. Understand one thing, he will never allow No one to treat his sis like this.

    Therefore, LOve yourself and dont allow him to mistreat you. You put an end to this relationship and show him that you can not be blinded by love, you are clever enough to see whats real whats not.

    Welcome to islam.

    Amna

    • Not correct, cause I am dating a white catholic girl and if we fall in love we will get married, but she is the one who doesn't want to tell my family as she is scared that they will end up hating her, but if they did I wouldn't care, old school ****'s get on my nerves need to mve into the 21st century and see that white people are as normal as brown people a couldn't care less.

      • Asifhka,

        Mind your language, there is no room from derogatory terms on this website.

        SisterZ
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • My brother, i understand your point but calm down a touch, these old school people are the ones who raised you, and taught you till now, reserve some respect and if you do decide to marry this girl, make your parents see it in a positive light and not a argumentitive one, islamically they cannot object under circumstance, make them see it in that light and not that you choose her over your parents, since this would hurt them alot even thought they may not show it.

        JazakAllah.

      • @ Asifkha

        "If you fall in love?" That kind of gives your intentions away doesn't it? Which ironically, you claimed otherwise with your first words of "not correct." And so, you' have exposed the senselessness of dating and made Sister Amna's comment all the more potent with your own exposure.

        If you were as gung-ho as you come off, then you wouldn't let a woman decide whether to tell your parents about your behavior or not. You should learn to stand on your own two feet, dignify her with noble intentions and commitment, and propose marriage to her, if you truly care for her and WANT to fall in real love with her.

        Otherwise, what separates you from which was claimed?

        BTW, when you look at your father or grandfather, remember something: they were man enough to marry the women they wanted to love. You have yet to even approach that point. Says something about the "old school," huh?

  4. Hello nicole!, more to ur effort, read more and more on islam till u discover the truth and d beauty of d religion.. It is not only a beautiful religion, it is also a way of life.. Muslims beleive in d concept of one God and submission to His will.. The God that has begot no son or children nor was He begotten. The God that has no incanate, the most high,the most merciful, most beneficient, most supreme... It is a very nice religion nicole and u will find giudiance and salvation in it both in this world and the hereafter...

  5. I wanna to know that i am muslim male from karachi pakistan and i wanna to marry with US citizen girl and she is catholic . So i wanna to know that Is it possible in karachi to legal marriage with her and legal paper work also ?

    • Shoaib, you could log in and write your question as a separate post. But I can tell you right now that we probably won't be able to answer this question. You need to consult with someone who is familiar with marriage laws in your country, or immigration laws if that is what you are seeking. In other words, an attorney (lawyer, solicitor).

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  6. leave him immediately.

    Regards

  7. Ary, children cannot be raised as Christian AND Muslim because the two faiths are contradictory. To believe that Jesus (peace be upon him) was the son of God is utterly contradictory to what Islam represents. The children of a Muslim must be raised as Muslim, period.

    We do not deny anything from Jesus' mouth, but the Bible does not accurately portray his words and beliefs. It is a book written by the hand of men, with portions altered and interpolated to reflect the thinking of the times.

    Here are the words of Jesus as reported by the Quran:

    "And behold! God will say [i.e. on the Day of Judgment]: 'Oh Jesus, the son of Mary! Did you say unto men, worship me and my mother as gods in derogation of God?' He will say: 'Glory to Thee! Never could I say what I had no right (to say). Had I said such a thing, You would indeed have known it. You know what is in my heart, though I know not what is in Yours. For You know in full all that is hidden. Never did I say to them anything except what You commanded me to say: 'Worship God, my Lord and your Lord.' And I was a witness over them while I lived among them. When You took me up, You were the Watcher over them, and You are a witness to all things'" (5:116-117).

    The Quran is the truth from God. It was revealed, in part, to clarify these issues for Christians and call them back to the truth.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  8. hi,

    I am a 22 year old white girl and i have been with my boyfriend who is a british born pakistani muslim for nearly four years. i am very confused and a little bit scarred. i have stopped eating pork only eat halal, i try not to drink and i try my best not to wear reveling clothes. At the start of the relashonship i was a bit of a wild child i loved going out with friends getting all dressed up and having a laugh, i loved going places meeting new people and just generally flirting and having fun, them i met my boyfriend and slowly it all changed he put an end to me going out and as a result i lost my friends, i currently have no one who i can call no one to go shopping with, i just have him and my family and i thought i would be ok with this. but im not im quite sad and a bit lonely, even though i love and adore my boyfriend i want to marry him and i am willing to change everything to be with him and for his family to except me.

    About 6 months into the relaishopship he lost it with me got angry shouted and pushed me around thiss then slowly got worse he would push scream at me spit at me slap me around the head and face even kicked me while i was laying on the kithen floor. This violence lasted about a year of the reliashonship everytime it happened i promised i would leave he promised it was the last time and would not happen again and i stayed and believed him, it got worse when i moved to my own flat for a year thats when it kicked in he would ruin my things rip my clothes up throw my makeup about. but that has all stopped its bin about a year now where he has not touched me. he is good to me buys me things takes me places is there when i need him.

    Now i want him to marry me i want him to tell his family get a house and move in together he is 28 now and still at home, im willing to convert, but he says that his family would probly not welcome me as i wouldnt fit in, but his brother is married to white girl. He has now gone to do umrah in saudi and says mostly likly when he gets back he will marry me so we are not sinning no more but it wont be untill febuary till he tells his family and we live together. he says he is ready to be with me then says his not ready to tell his family, im i being led down the garden path here!?

    i no he has no one else we spend everyday together, on the phone all the time bin on holiday every year he tells me he loves me, but now im worried and scarred because even though this is what i want im scared il always be judged by his family. i feel like i am changing every single thing about my self and i dont no if i like it.

    Any advice from people who can help and understand

    • Lauren,

      I will say only a few words here as you need to log in and submit your question as a separate post.

      I am not surprised you are confused as you are trying to change yourself for someone who doesnt know who he is himself. He is leading a mixed life, trying to fit in parts of religion, backward pakistani culture and at the same time dating. Dating is forbidden in Islam and so is violence and wife/woman beating. This man is not representative of a good Muslim and I am quite sure that upon his return from Umrah, if he does not speak to his parents about you immediately with a view to marrying you, he will leave you or continue to string you along giving you false hopes of marriage.

      Time and time again, I frustratingly see women walking into violent relationships with their eyes wide open. I am hoping that you will not be one of those women and will instead find the courage to seek out a man who will treat you with respect and dignity as a woman should be treated.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • L,
      You need to leave this relationship. As Sister Z mentioned you seem to have changed for him, not for you. You should only change things about yourself because it is something you want, not for someone else. Someone who loves you would not treat you this way. Love is not abuse, love does not hurt and we do not abuse or hurt the ones we love. It will happen again, please believe me on this I am a domestic violence counselor and have seen this over and over again. Also someone you love will not isolate you from your friends and those important to you. I understand him not wanting you to be around those out drinking, but that has to be your choice, now you say you have no friends to shop with. These behaviors of isolating you, verbally and physically abusing you, destroying your things and them promising it will get better are all very huge red flags that you should take very seriously. You deserve better, this is not a healthy loving relationship and this man sounds horrid.

  9. Hello .
    i m a Muslim and living in Canada , it may be problem from that guy side .. bcoz in Pakistan Parents don't like that his Muslim Son married to American Catholic girl .. they think the same as American parents think after marriage what will the future of Children ... thats the man reason , u shuld discuss this type of issue ...

  10. im deaf catholic woman i want get marry to deaf pakistan. we had wonderful together for 7 years he said he have to marry to muslim. im very sadf im cried alot plse help me

    • kellyminnegan, I don't know what help we can offer you. Have you considered converting to Islam? If you need advice, please log in and write your question as a separate post. But as I said, I'm not sure how we can help you.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

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