Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Cheating husband

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Betrayal by a loved one is one of the most difficult experiences in life.

Assalamualaikum. I am new here and in need of advice. I converted 3years ago but just now I'm getting close to Allah. Alhamdulillah. I am still married but I don't think it will last much longer. I have been married for 10 yrs, I have a 3 yr old daughter and a 2 yr old. My husband cheated on me 2 yrs into the marriage and i forgave him although it has always been in the back of my mind.

He told me 2 months ago that he had been unfaithful again. And blaimed it on me not being a good Muslim. I have since started to attend the mesjid and am trying to learn and practice as much as i can, however I found some pics on he's e-mail (he doest know I know his password) of a woman and one of his private part I'm not sure what to do.

I no longer love him (when I married him I loved him very very much) but I have been trying to work things out because of our daughters. We havent even been intimate for over 10 mnths now (not unusually throughout the marriage we could go 3-5 months without being intimate plus it's been over 2yrs since we share the same bed he blames it on his back but yet he sleeps in the couch) I asked him to seek counselling together through the mesjid but he did not want to.

I am going to away for a few days and I will be following his whereabouts to see what he does. I feel guilty for doing this but I also feel I can no longer stay in this situation. He works as a sales person and he is very good with his words. I feel he knows me so well that any situation he knows how to get out of and likes to turn it to somehow for it to be my fault and somehow it ends up making sense to me and I end up believing him, I really need help.

Can you give me some advise. I thought since im going to a different city i could talk to a different mesjid. Please help, inshallah maybe through here I can get some advice.

~ Huda


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10 Responses »

  1. Asalaam alaikum Sr.Huda,

    I suppose it's the course de rigueur (commonplace) of illegitimate spousal cheater to blame the wife for infidelity when she did nothing wrong. It's the mark of a manipulator who takes no blame for his actions and instead, through his weak character, blames the victims of his lust and betrayal. The fact that he would photographically chronicle his infidelity is another sign of his inferiority complex, which only showers him with pride and inflates his ego to shield himself from blame and instead, ricochet if off of you.

    The reason he was not sleeping with you is an obvious indication that he was fulfilling his sexual lust with another woman and a sign of his subconscious guilt that made him feel inherently wrong, though he refuses to allow it to seep into his consciousness.

    You say that you no longer love him, you have proof that he doesn't value you as a wife or a mother, and so you must ask yourself, what use is there in spending any more energy to spy on him? If you need to do so, to bolster your case in court, then you may look into hiring a lawyer to do this and remove yourself from the emotional hurt that discovering more incredulous details would burden you with. Instead, it's time to plan your desire to leave a loveless marriage and change the life that you are living. With children, this is even more vital.

    You need to understand that you are a wife who warrants faithfulness, love and compassion. A wife who deserves that her rights' be honored, her dignity shielded and her loyalty returned in kind. It seems that your self confidence is at an all time low, and because of this you are susceptible to his wicked words and smooth talk. Remember though that you are not a client being sold a gimmick or a product. Instead, you are a woman who should settle for nothing less than a husband who turn his passions only towards you and protects you even from his lower nafs, which has become his Shaytan.

    Confer with your family and/or a trusted friend. And know that Islam affirms you the rights that a woman was given by no other than Allah (swt). Look at yourself as God sees you: beautiful, gentle and striving in His cause. When you gain that God-conscious perspective of yourself, you will cease to allow your husband to walk all over you.

    This is your decision and your life. Live it the way that Allah (swt) wants you to.

  2. AA;

    Not sure how you not being a good Muslim, makes him go out and perform Zina!!!!! Do you hold back from him and not satisfy him? But even then, there are other things that can be done, no need to go out for another woman. I am not trying to blame it on you, just trying to better understand the issue.

    Also, he confessed his cheating the second time to you. Did he do that to try to work things out, to ask for forgiveness or what?

    All in all, it is a bad situation and these things should not happen. Divorce? I am never a supporter of that. I guess I just keep hoping things will get better. But of course it is based on case by case situation.

    I would suggest talking to the Imam at Mosque, or bring in a family member, you guys need to talk about it more in the open and see what exactly going on. Does he want another wife, divorce, does he want to fix things, etc. But this is not a good scenario to be living as you described.

    May ALLAH guide us, grant us patience, and shower us with his mercy.

    If I am correct, it is from ALLAH. If I err it is from me, and I pray ALLAH forgives me.

  3. Salam Sis,

    I would say that, every human being will be put to test on Earth. One of the great test will be given to converts who converted to Islam. So maybe, this was part of the Great Test Allah gives you as a convert. But if you pass the test, you will be greatly rewarded in Jannah. Just pray for your well being and your faamily too, and most importantly, be patient.

  4. Thank to Allah he blessed you the light of Islam. You r Alhamdulillah a Muslim. If he doesn't stay faithful to you , he will find himself accountable in day of Qayama' , in front of Allah,, for every deed he is doing. So please be patient.
    A wife who stays Obedient , Faithful and Patient in every situation to his husband,, will be rewarded by Allah.
    Dua to Allah . May Allah give ur husband Hidayat. Aameen

    • Brother Abdullah.
      Your advise is good, MashaAllah, but I think this will only work if the husband also wants to make an effort to change. It is not easy to be with a person who is not honest, who sneaks behind your back, what kind of example is it for her children....they will grow up thinking that marriage like that is normal.
      I agree, only duaa to Allah can help us.

    • you men always deny the rigjts of females
      while for your own ........ if one got a bad wife you go for another one wow !!!
      what if your daughter got such a husband will you make her to live with cheater ?????
      obviously not

  5. Allhadouillah for your conversion, sister. I am also a convert. Going thru a lot of pornography, no help ,and no work issues with my husband. It breaks my heart to read about bad experiences all the sisters here are going thru. SubhanAllah. As a revert, all of this is making me off and on, weak in my Imam, and I do not want that.
    Even before I converted I was very dedicated to my faith, also had my ups and downs. I want my Imam to be strong, I want to go to Paradise, and it seems that a lot of Muslim-born husbands make us weaker, not stronger in our Imam, their acts are not acceptable. I personally do not think that a loveless marriage is a marriage. It is two people living a separate life. This is not what Allah wants from us.
    Duaa to Allah and ask for the guidance.

  6. salamualeikum,sister my story is same as yours,the sadest part is that when man caught cheating he lies and make u feel guilty why u asking him question and why u spying him all these dialouges are common,even when there is proof he lies and turn situation towards u to make u feel it is your fault,in your case atleast your husband admitted what he does,dear sister i can understand situation of your heart,ask ALLAH for help,inshallah you will find a way out of your problem,i am doing sabar in my case but it is not easy because when u saw the face of that person,your heart says that he is a cheater ,a weak person ,who plays with feelings(,you have two choices first -to accept your husband with his character and try to make him a good peson which is a difficult task but not impossible,second choice-forget him and start a new life,a new begining, ) ,in my case i have given a last chance to my husband ,one proof of any of his act and its over,we have to face ALLAH one day and try to do our best in this world ,if we will not get some happiness in this world this means that a big reward is waiting for us in jannah remember this,i pray for the best for you,may ALLAH help you to come out of all this trouble

  7. hi sister, jus read ur story i am in similer situation my heart goes out to u im hurtin so much i want to
    hug u an cry i feel so alone but i found the answer in ur reply

  8. dear sister
    my sympthies for you .....if he is man of such a bad charachter .ALLAH SWT has given u the right of khula and separate yourself from him relief yourself from pain
    its very hard to bear your husband cheating
    his bad charachter will surely spoil your daughters too ...seeing thier father doinf bad deeds and will impart bad impression
    seek help from ALLAH
    if ALLAH has given right to man to remarry
    surely its also for a women that she can spend her life as she wants!

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