Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I’m white and Christian and my boyfriend’s Pakistani parents refuse to let him marry me

I am 26, Christian and white. My boyfriend is 30 years old and Pakistani Muslim. We met here in Canada and he has been living here with his family for 13 years.

He and I met online and both felt the overwhelming feeling that we had found "the one" after our first date. We have been together for 5 months and are seriously discussing marriage. My parents (white) are fine with the situation. His parents (brown) are freaking out and refusing to even meet me. Their reasoning is that I am white and having their eldest son marry a gori (white woman) would shame their family. My bf has had no problems with his parents prior to this - he has been a good son and always done what was asked of them. He lives at home with his parents and 2 siblings. His parents scream, cry, shout and threaten to disown him if he continues to seriously pursue me.

Neither of us can think of any reason why he should give in to them. None of their concerns are legitimate. He and I have discussed from the beginning that we would raise our kids as Muslims and what that would entail. We have spent a lot of time discussing how we envision our future and making sure that our dreams are compatible (which they are... big time!).

Now, assuming that there is no reason Islamically for him to not marry me, is he truly being a bad son for disobeying his parents? It is my understanding that in the Quran, it says to obey your parents unless they are requesting that you do something haram etc. Since his parents are refusing to accept a white daughter-in-law based on skin color alone and not on my actual personality traits, he doesn't need to obey them right? But at the same time, I love him because he is so family oriented. I don't want him to have to turn his back on his family.

Please offer me advice. What can I do to support him and help him deal with the daily verbal assaults he endures from his parents and if anyone has tips on how to get his parents to come around, that would be great!

Thanks πŸ™‚

- Confused in Toronto


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85 Responses »

  1. hi thx for your question. in islam men/women can choose who they want to marry parents dont have say, but majority of pakistani familys are messed in there heads they let culture come before anything else cos people will say bad things about them, dont worry even tho parents say i will disown you its only lip service hope things work out

  2. Asalam Alaikum,

    Hi, i have to say i feel your pain. and ahmed is right. I am a european white girl with a boyfriend who is a pakistani muslim of a 3+yrs. the only difference here, is that the threats and screaming is coming from MY parents. My parents are highly racist. They are basing everything from what they see on the outside and refusing to meet the real person on the inside. Just remember this, whats on the outside changes over time, it gets older, gets wrinkles, shows laugh lines, and age spots. Gets bigger or smaller, or more rounder or smaller. now the inside, never really changes to the drastic degree of the outside, without a serious reason that is. I love my boyfriend for who he is, flaws and all. I too love the fact that he is very family oriented because i value family, it is a part of my culture too. His parents are okay with it,me and his mom are extremely close, especially after i have decided to accept islam (whole heartedly). I can only say i know how you feel, and i know how your boyfriend feels. For as hard as it may be, you both have to do, what you think needs to be done. No one can force you guys to do or not to do anything. I know his parents threaten to disown him, mine say it all the time, but they are his parents, his mom gave birth to him and there is no greater love than that of a mother. Eventually they will understand that you are both grown adults who can make decisions for yourselves. Plus try to understand, every parent has dreams for their children. What they want their children to be, what kind of person they want their son/daughter to marry. This is a big shock for them, and it will take time for them to understand, but Inshallah with Allah's grace they will understand. This is how i think everyday. Just remember one more thing, "if it is truly ment for you two to be together, no one or anything can stop that from happening, but if it is not ment for you to be together, then there also is no one or anything that can bring you two together." My prayer is with the two of you, and i hope ur love prevails. It is best to deal with this early in the relationship than later.

    Tips to help you two:(just i few i try everyday)

    for the boyfriend:
    #1) start by slowly bringing your girlfriend into conversations you may have with your parents. Like, when its someone's birthday, say she sent a hug and best wishes. Bring home something and say it is from her, like baked goods,(cakes or cookies or food)

    #2) Be firm with your parents, trust me i know this is hard, but let them know that you understand their points of view and that you dont wish to disrespect them, but that she completes you and treats you with unconditional love. and that you are highly compatible. Tell them that she is a million times better than any pakistani girl they could ever find.

    #3) Set up a secret meeting at a coffee shop, and start off by bringing just your mother, (she usually has a way of convincing your father, trust me i know). Dont tell your mother, just walk in the coffee shop and let ur girlfriend come out of know where and join you. she wont bother making scene, (she doesnt want to be embarassed rite?) The public is a good place to make sure this doesnt happen.

    for the girlfriend:

    #1) i know this may be hard, but try to get to know his mother, and it will be lots of hard work but get her to be your best friend. It will happen eventually! If this doesnt work, im sure you will both get married(Inshallah), show her that you want to be part of the family and that you dont want to embarass them, rather you want to make them proud. Again this will be hard, but dont give up, life gets easier as it goes on, not harder.

    #2) Write a letter to his mother. Remember the key thing here is the mom. Mom's tend to understand true love, and they are usually softer when their husbands are not around, cuz you always have to back up ur husband in public rite? lol....(plus mothers always think of their kids happiness).....Write her a letter saying that you dont wish to disrespect her, but that you love her son, and that you know he loves you too. Let her know what you are willing to do(like raising the children muslim) and obviously adapting to some customs. let her know that you are not here to embarass them, but simply you want to become apart of their family. Let them know about everything that you and ur boyfriend have talked about, and that you understand everything. Plus remember to tell them, that all this is happening for a reason, it wouldnt have happened and it wouldnt have gotten to this point if Allah did not want it to be. Allah knows best, and if it is Allah's wish that you two be married forever( or for how ever long your supposed to) then they have nothing to use against you. Trust God, pray to God and He will help you!

    Good Luck guys, i pray everything works out. And dont give up! True love NEVER dies!

  3. i am a catholic woman who has been with her muslim boyfriend for 2 years and his family dont know about me, this is tearing me apart and he says he cant tell them because they will disown him, so am i expected to be kept a secret ntil we decided to get married? he promised he would tell thm and has now decided its not possible until marriage. i dont want to lose him but i cant keep living like this, it is a huge deal to me that i have no interaction with his family, i would rather they knew about me and rejected me than not at all! please help

    • Dear Jade,

      I have been in this same situation. My pakistani now ex-boyfriend told me he could not bring me home. I really wish i had put my foot down and made him bring me to meet his parents because i would have found out about a lot of heartache early on. He is the oldest of his siblings, and a bit older. His mother was getting worried he would never marry and set up for him to marry his cousin. He kept this a secret from me for almost a year because he thought he could get out of it. Well one day i found out on my own, and we had to break up because i could not be with an engaged man. It was the hardest and most painful thing. But its unfortunately so common. If you look up "pakistani boyfriend" "married" "engaged" there are tons of stories just like mine.

      You deserve to have everything from the world, including the support from your boyfriends parents. If he brings you home, everything is fine, but If he can't be brave like that you need to leave him. Everyone told me to leave him for this reason but i never listened, and he turned out to already be engaged. (also if he's getting calls from a female cousin, and tells you its ok cuz its just family, RUN) You deserve the most from life. Don't ever settle for less than what you want, and deserve.

    • Hi, I can sympathise as my boyfriend leaves on Thursday to go for an arranged marriage. His family do not know about me, so arranged the marriage, now they say it is already set up and nothing can be undone, he has to go. I am heartbroken and wonder if I had insisted if things would've turned out differently.

      My advice is try and get him to be upfront with them.... if he won't, I'd suspect.

      xx

    • i just got my heart broken, cause after 6 years he wants to marry his culture. he wants kids. his family doesn't know about me either. and he won't tell them.
      i hope your not with him anymore, it only gets harder.

  4. jade87, I suggest that you give him an ultimatum. Introduce you to his family and tell them about your plans to get married, or its over.

    I say this because it's possible that he has no plans to marry you. He may be just using you for companionship until the time comes to marry, when he will marry a Pakistani girl through family arrangements. I hope this is not the case, but the fact that he admits his family will disown him, is worrisome.

    Again, sorry to tell you this, but my guess is that he does not actually plan to marry you.

    • thank you for your reply wael, i cant give him an ultimatum because even if i did and he told them he would end up resenting me, i want him to be able to stand up for how he wants to live his his life, and he says it is just as hard for him as it is me which i dont understand as my family fully accept him and know about him. he says there is no way he will have an arranged marriage but now im woundering. im sure he loves me but surely if this love was srtong enugh it shoudnt matter what his mam and dad thinks they will learn to accept his decision if he does it the right way i think, however he has made it blatently clear that he isnt willing to tell them unless i say its over if he doesnt, but as i said that will just leave him resenting me, he should want to be honest with them?

      • So what kind of a future do you see for the two of you?

        "he has made it blatently clear that he isnt willing to tell them unless i say its over if he doesnt"

        If you won't give him an ultimatum, then my advice is to break it off. It's going nowhere.

        • my name is anna wrote here before but i always get lost and cant get back on this sight. my problem still is the same i met this guy 2 1/2 years ago on line he is 40 i m 54 he wanted to marry me right away. so we tried to get a visa and he said he will put in his passport that he had a wife but he really dont have he only did it ot get his nephews over here more easy. he send me several gifts from pakistan he said he is a ppor man he is a teacher and he lives with all his family members of 31 ppl in one house. i talk to him everyday on the phone. i was supposed to go to pakistan and marry him 2 years ago i made to the aiport got on hte plane and had to get back off bec i got afraid. he then told me he hated all women and he see me in hell and then he commited suicide but was saved by one of his brothers and stayed in the hospital for a few days. he did this 2 times. i really tried to get ot p[akistan but i just can not do it. we tried many times for a vise but the embassy trurned him down. then we tried dubai and i backed out again but he said he still loves me then he the idea that if he opend a business in pakistan it would be more easier for him to get a visa. he said if i could send him 5000 dollars that would start a business and he would be able to get a visa easier. i love him and i am so torn between is he good or is he paying with my mind. can someone help me. any help and honest comments are so welcome

  5. give hime some time, a muslim guy dating is already hard enough, i suggest you show your support and once he gets the courage he has to tell his parents eventually.

    • Oh - so it is ok that he found the "courage" to date despite it being haraam but he doesnt have to find the courage to stand up for his relationship??We all are accountable for our actions. It is irresponsible to ask someone to be a sitting duck while someone else "tries" to find courage to stand up for his choices and may eventually abandon the former in the name of religion. Really where is respect for humanity and empathy for fellow beings??

  6. I agree with both you (wael and yawn) but here is the thing. Wael is right, he is just showing how things are going to get ugly in the future, if he cannot face his parents now cuz he has no strength to, how will he face his parents when the time comes? Trust me isnt easy, but you get through it. And yes Yawn you are right too, it is hard enough that a muslim guy is dating, but he made that decision did he not? In Islam the rules are clearly stated, if a muslim decides to do something that is against the rules he should take ownership for it should he not? I can completely understand how it is hard for him because at first it was hard for me n my boyfriend of 3+ years. But we did it, and because his mother and i are the best of friends it made it easier, moms know everything and she already knew wat was going on, she was just waiting for us to admit it. I can understand how jade87 feels, and she has a lot of work to do, to get to know her "INSHALLAH" future parents in law. It is alot of hard work to break in with muslim mothers, take it from me. And if they truly do intend to get married she needs time to get herself on the moms good side, so that the relationship can be a bit easier after marriage.

    What is worst of all, is if the parents find out for themselves. I made the biggest mistake of my life by not telling my parents from the start, and they found out on their own. It is MUCH WORSE when they catch it themselves. My parents resent me now because they don't except him and our relationship. They have given me my ultimatum; if i marry him I AM DISOWNED, if i dont then everything is okay. Unfortunately life is not this easy, but what my boyfriends mom told me is that, eventually my parents will understand. It will take time hun....but they will understand. If your parents accept him he needs to understand that at least he has ur parents. It isnt the same, but it will do until things clear up. I just think that your boyfriend may not be exactly sure of his intentions with you. Not that you have to be assuming bad things, but i would definetly have a serious discussion about this topic, cuz it seems to be putting stress on your relationship, and it means something special to you!

    It is in understanding that we can be understood! This is hard to grasp, but you will get it. Goodluck, i will keep you in my prayers, and remember.....DON'T EVER BRING YOU GUARD DOWN!....but be patient cuz patience is the secret to life!

  7. thank you all for your help and advice i have got a lot of thinking to do, i appreciate all your help!! i appreciate his situation is dificult and so is mine so hopefully we can come to a fair compromise regarding our future thank you again

    • Wael is very right Jade. The truth also in most cases is if he is not willing or unable to tell this family about you already then it's probably not going to work in the long term, even if you give him an ultimatum and you met his family. I am very sure if you were a Muslim woman then he would have naturally already have spoken to his family about you long ago. If the family he was raised in had a relaxed attitude and an open mind to the extent of integrating and accepting a non-Muslim, he would have done this long ago with no dramas. In most cases I have seen family tear apart or become very distant. Also be very careful in what you see in the guy, the smallest things you dislike will later become big deals and walls will start shaking. You both might not see it now but it always happens and frustration will make you feel trap in later life. Love really does make us blind to realities. Your mindset might be different to his mindset in the heart but love will cover it up with excuses. Sometimes it is really worth dropping this kind of relationship because it just creates too much mess in the future. It's a shame it is like this and I really wish it wasn't like this but it always is. The reason comes mostly down to practicalities.
      I have a huge network of friends/family + family friends and in most to all cases the only way these kind of relationship will succeed is if you become a Muslim yourself. It's a huge commitment but one which could be rewarding and make the relation ship work. This will make the family accept you easier and both will be guided by the same rules of life, it is what will make you both strong.
      Be wise Jade, and break it off before you get hurt in life. Unless you're the same religion I never recommend this, even if Islam allows people to marry people from Christian and Judaism. Just too many complications to come in the future, which you guys are completely oblivious to right now.
      I speak from experiences all around me and the biggest myself. I introduced this Christian girl to my family after being with her for 4 years. She was incredibly adaptable and very adorable. It felt like it would be a dream comes true if I married her. I just really saw my whole life with her. I made excuses and made everything to her sound like it was not a problem when I kind of knew they would be problematic but foolishly was willing to take them on.
      After battling with my family that this is the way I want to move forward in life they new I was in denial and not going to give up. We got engaged, but I could see my family and friends heart was not there. They kept on saying are you sure and warned me pretty much what I am saying to you jade, but I was still determined. As time went passed while being engaged, she was seeing the complications. Everything was so awkward although still promising. Awkwardness was getting bigger as she did not feel integrated with my life style at home and lots of other issues. She knew how important family was to me and saw my struggles. In short Jade, after long dramas she left me in the dark and disappeared. This was so bad for me, the shame I had to face, for months my heart was really in the pits.
      But after a short time things got back to normal for me. In hindsight it was the very best thing that happened to me and probably to her to. I was slowly starting to meet women through work and friends from the same faith and what a breath of fresh air it was. Moving forward was so smooth as the fundamental mindset was the same.
      I bumped into her a few months later and when for a casual chat. Although the love for each other was there, it was so clear the path forward. Her underlining statement was so respectable. "Although we love each other the surrounding would never let us succeed long term". This was absolutely true and I didn't see it before. God works in wonderful ways.
      We don't speak anymore, but I believe her action was from god. It was very wise and in hindsight I can not believe I was fooling myself. It was the best thing she ever did to me. I was truly blind. Nearly 3 years later I am married with a woman I have the same/stronger feelings and she is 3 months pregnant. With that I have preserve my true self, with culture, religion, family and friends, which are so important to me and became even more important.

      Don't change who you are unless it makes you a better person. Don't fool yourself and think everything will be ok. Think can it really offer me everything I need right now and later in life, or am I hoping marriage will fix these issues. Make sure your relationship is 101% perfect in everyway before committing this long un-recommendable route. Make sure you get what you need from it.
      Don't be afraid of breaking off. There is plenty of fish in the sea they say (I truly believe this). Don't let emotional distort your thinking. Really think rational and speak with mind and not with the heart, this is where everything goes wrong.
      Take your family and friends concerns on board. Really examine and respect what they are saying as I find they don't always tell you directly.

      Jade I really hope you make the right choice. Think about your long term happiness. Believe there is greater happiness out there.

      Jade please keep us posted in the direction you pursue.

      • What imran said in the 1st paragraph may or may not be true. However, I don't quite agree with the part where he said that his family would be more accepting of jade if she converted and became Muslim. I personally think it's due to a mindset that some Pakistani people have, where they and their children must get married to other Pakistanis (preferably a relative or a family friend). And unfortunately, I came to this conclusion from personal experience.
        I was born and raised a Muslim and I do practice my religion. I've been dating a Pakistani Muslim man for about a year. Once, I met his family at the family home and had dinner there. Everyone was pleasant towards me. But when my boyfriend asked for their opinion after I went home, they told him that although I had impeccable manners, sophisticated and well-educated, his mother would rather he marry a Paki and not me. According to her, she will be able to relate more to a Paki rather than me. By the way, I'm half Chinese, half Indonesian.
        Anyway, my point is, I don't think the issue at hand would be religion. It's probably more of a cultural thing.
        I encourage you to sit and down and discuss these issues with your boyfriend. And try to meet his family at least once. Then at least you will know where you stand. You can also ask your boyfriend why his parents won't accept you. Ask for more specific reasons. Cause if their main concern is about you being non-Muslim then perhaps you can show some interest in Islam and try to learn more about the religion, then perhaps they will open up to you. But if they are more concerned about you being white, then I'm not sure what you can do. You can't change ethnicity can you?
        All the best..

        • Huda, You are totally wrong. As said by MR. Imran by converting to Muslim nancy must win his aim and it is possible 100% that their family would be agree with her. Because all Muslims are appreciating anyone converting to a Muslim.

  8. Jade, I am a white catholic woman married to a Pakistani man. Please avoid it! We are growing to be different people and no longer lead a happy married life. If I read these threads before I got married I would have really thought about what I was doing before committing to a life long rollercoaster. The in-laws and I never ever see eye to eye and if I had converted to Islam and followed it with my heart I am sure everything would have been fine. But I am a catholic and always will be. I really wish things could be how it was before we got married but it never is. Sure we had our so called honeymoon period which really didn't last long. Married life in a Pakistani family is structured, very closed, narrow minded and boring. Imran's X partner done the right thing, I have so many regrets. There are so many responsibilities being a Pakistani mans wife. What I really dislike is I have to abide by culture traditions, and he really tries to convince me why we should behave in the same way. It just has to be this way or be looked down on by others and because I love him I give in to show him I am being supportive. but I am slowly starting to give up and resist. Day to day life has become just me and my husband, his one or two friends. I speak to his family but there is no real connection it's all superficial interaction. I really relate to Imran experiences. I AM THE GIRL THAT GOT MARRIED TO THE PAKISTANI MAN, I saw obstacles and challenges similar to Imran's but we said its love love love. I thought our love could handle it but it's really rocky now. I am on the internet looking for solutions to really ignite this marriage and the only solution I fine is to become a Muslim and change my identity completely, something I will not be willing to do.

    I think you know which way this marriage is heading. We are both still young and I know he would be happier with a Muslim, someone that can really be part of his family. But I just don't know when I should push into that direction and what's stopping me now from doing it today. Jade, life is already tough as it is, try not to do something you'll regret later.

    May God bless you and guide you in the right path.

    Samantha

  9. im married to a christian woman, we living a happy life, blessed with 2 kids, every family differs. i dont have any cultural nonsense πŸ™‚

  10. Hi all
    I am a white woman thinking about getting married to a Muslim man from Iraq. I don't think I will be converting to Islam and I don't agree my kids have to be born Muslim.

    Do Arabs from Iraq have the same sort of culture as Pakistani? Should I expect a bumpy right? I've enjoyed the past with him, should I leave it at that?

    He says he will not marry anyone else but me, and I don't want to break his heart, I love him so much. Can anyone offer any help?

    Ruth99

    • Hello Ruth. Obviously I don't know your man or what's in his heart, but I believe that the vast majority of Muslims would insist that the kids be raised as Muslim. We believe that Islam is the true religion. For us it's all about the Oneness of God, and worshiping God alone. I would be deeply distressed to see my child grow up believing that God does not exist, or worshiping Krishna, or Buddha, or Jesus. We believe that this life is only a test and preparation for the life after, and that the most important thing we can do in this life is to worship God sincerely and purely. So for a Muslim, if his child grows up not knowing Islam, then he has failed as a parent, because he has failed to educate his child in the true purpose of life.

      As for me, I've already gone this route. I married a woman who agreed to raise the children as Muslim, but when it came time to face the music, she began backpedaling. We are now divorced. Because of that experience, and because of similar experiences that I have heard from other Muslims, I always advise Muslim men not to marry a non-Muslim woman. I know that ahmed just wrote on here that it worked out for him, alhamdulillah, but the majority of the time it does not work out.

      You say you love this man so much, but at the same time you seem ready to call it quits. If you really want an answer to this dilemma, then I advise you to become Muslim. It would solidify your relationship and set the foundation for a family based on a common spiritual understanding. And in any case Islam is a good religion, with strong principles of faith, and an excellent moral code that would benefit any family.

  11. ruth sorry 2b rude but u got 2 hear the facts....a muslim man when i say muslim i mean by heart not by name.all muslim men wants muslim children so 4get abt ur dream of ur children with that man not being muslim.secondly yes he wants u but after a few years his not going 2 want u and thats life i mean ur a christian want ur kids 2b well it just dont match eventually something somewhere will go wrong nobody can have it all.

  12. i am a muslim convert,,alhamdullilah...me and my husband were boyfriends for 2 years before we got maried.at first, i thought, it was not a big deal on him if im a christian...(but that was on my opinion only).
    Only when i found out that its not acceptable in islam to have intimate relationship which non-muslim think is not a big deal.
    i converted to islam..coz i think that, it would not make any sense...just to say im a muslim..most of my friends say that i became muslim coz i will marry a muslim. i am living a western-cultured life before...so until the marriage,,,i was a muslim by name only..not by heart...

    I enrolled in islamic school, and i've read a lot of books...just for knowledge...but upon continuing, i'm beginning to know the REAL ISLAM...why it must be like this..and like that...why my sons and daughters must be raised as muslim...if u will know islam and know its rules and law,,,there is never any hole to say its not from our Creator...

    Islam provide solutions in all the problems...if you'll just understand...the problem women are facing now,,,islam had answers on it,,,as Islam is the only religion who give the WOMEN THEIR RIGHT...application on this right depends upon the faith of the person..

    Parents-in-law problems were also discussed...and given options...with solutions.

    Christians is not fully aware of what Islam is...Thats why problem arises...

    I am a muslim, married and my in-laws don't know that i exist..but i know my right and what are the consequences. if i may not comprehend, there are pious people who can educate.
    I am not saying women who had muslim boyfriends must convert to islam coz if you'll not understand it, it doesn't make any sense at all...but upon going out with muslim men,,try to read and know about islam...why we are believing this things.Inshaallah,,,you'll find the answers even by yourself.

    May our Creator open all our hearts to what the truth is.

  13. Even tho I'm married to a christian my kids are muslim, I'm lucky to have an understanding wife,
    A lot of ladys on here keep say they love him so much etc but that aint love,
    Its nuthin but lip service, if you truly love someone you will accept there way.

    My inlaws once said to my wife the children should be christian,
    But my replyed sayin even tho we are christian we don't go church
    So its only a title, so what wrong if my children wanna be muslim?
    When I heard that I was happy, cos wifey is on my side, that's what love does.
    πŸ˜‰

    • u dont get it do u.what abt her side ? not ur wife i mean this woman she also got a side not only the husband she want her kids 2 b christian nobody can force her not to do that but if she want that she should get a christian man leave the muslim men coz its impossible.muslim men want their kids 2b muslim.

      • she has 2 option its either you accept him or reject him. cos things aint gonna be that easy.......
        there are plenty of good christian men out there but you cant choose who you fall in love with.......:)

  14. Dear all

    I have a friend who is in the same situation as most of the threads above. As a Muslim myself I am trying to support her by suggesting its not really worth going down the line of a Pakistani family life style if you're not going to become Muslim or going to encourage the kids to follow Islam instead of being a catholic. But I think she is crazy in love. I think she knows all the problems but too scared of becoming detached with him because they will both feel empty. I tell her its all in the head and while she is still young, beautiful, and intelligent who has a great future ahead of her, she should not destroy it with a Pakistani man who is saying all the sweetest things to convince her the future is bright with him. I will be fully supportive of this relationship if she agreed to become a Muslim, but that's one thing she is really firm on not doing.

    Same as jade87 thread, she wants to meet the family. But the guy is reluctant in doing this just yet. But by force he is attempting to introduce her to his parents soon. I feel that she is putting him through lots of behind the scene dramas and the end will not look so promising. I have a suspicion that she is forcing this now because she wants to know if she is really worth it. It's a good idea to know where she stands and know if this relationship is going somewhere, but one I feel the guy should not go through if they both think wisely.

    Should I let her learn the hard way and let them get on with it, with fatal predictable consequences, or support her and be there when things go wrong? It's just a shame they are both being stupid and letting love now hurt the future that they could have with others with similar interests.

    I feel I'm helping the Muslim brother as well as my friend. As me being a Pakistani I know the troubles she will face. Plus evidence from people I have heard who were in similar relationships, after a happy beginning ended in disasters. Can someone please offer me some suggestion and ideas? I really care for her and don't want to see her getting hurt later in life.

    • This is the problem Arifea, we don't see it at the time and refuse to let ourselves see it. I know when people tried to warn me I started resenting them. But really they where trying to guide me in the right and true path. I learnt the hard way, but luckily it didn't go far as marriage.(thank you god)

      For you I suggest be a good friend by warning her continuously so she knows your views, but say you will always be there what ever the matter and get on with your day to day friendship. It's a tough one Arifea, because when two friends don't agree on something the connection sometime weakens. Try to keep your friendship strong, because when things ultimately go wrong it's important for her to have someone around. Sometimes this is the only way we learn in life. Let's hope god shows them the light sooner then later.

    • I say let them learn the hard way. It's a cold response but if they don't want to acknowledge your input as a Pakistani insider then let them go there way. My brother is married to a white Christian woman and it's a very sad life they lead now and he knows it. We warmed him but being a man in his reflection he thought he knew better. ''''''''' and his white wife will always be an outsider, even if we tell her we like her ''''''''''''''

      • You are so rude she will always be an outsider and we tell her we like her. God is reading this you better change your ways and let her feel like part of the family! Why are you so evil don't u want her to be a part of her family. I don't even wanna cuss u right now. You are actually so backward I don't know why you are treating her like an outsider

  15. Assalamualaikum...

    Dear Rabia,

    I just dont understand why it would be like that...what 's something special about Pakistani man marrying a white Christian???

    I am a muslim convert but on my opinion...how can u indulge someone if it is being rejected in the first place...

    The girl may not be a muslim now,,but the family must not condemn if she were born like that...How the Prophet (SAWS) married the other wife if this is not in consideration???

    The problem is the culture that we were brought up to..which affect the other life...its not just Pakistan...but its a global problem now...if you could read most of the topics in this website...

    Almost all problems are different nationality conflicts....

    Muslim must be the first one to comprehend the situation as Islam have answers for all the society problem...

    This is based on my opinion only....Please enlighten me also in this Brother WaEL

    jazakallahukhayr

    • Fatima
      Your statement is absolutely right.

      My family have taken a very open mind to this and we have accepted her, but she just doesn't integrate to well, no matter how much we both try. My brother was a good Muslim, not great but he did try. He fell in love with a Christian and he has to now stand for her as this is his wife, and some of the things she stands for are not always halal. She is really a nice person but she has a great influence on my brother which is diverting him away from Islamic life. He knows he can never be part of a full muslim life style and I think its affecting him a lot as time goes by. I grew up with my brother and I know him well and you can see he is regretting it but sticking in there and trying to make it last. It's just a harder way of trying to be fully happy and content. She did say to me if she came across someone else who is thinking about keeping her faith, she would highly recommend them not to get involve.

      My statement is mostly targeting inter religion relationship but my Pakistani culture on top really does not help. I just think with all the comments in all the forms on this subject, which by far the majority do not support. If people can not learn from other peoples experiences then let them learn from there own. Jade, ruth and Arifea friend please don't be mindless and learn from Samantha, Imran and the rest of the internet experiences. If its love you're scared of losing then have the strength to let go and put faith in god to find a better more suitable lover. Stay hopeful because love will always come your way again sooner then we always think and mostly when its least expected. I just wish my brother waited a little longer.

      Any converts who are practicing together in married life is such a beautiful sight, which sometimes brings tear to my eyes.

      But again if these people can not see sense then there is not much you can do. Is there?
      ***Pray to Allah and ask him to guide them all kindly***

      • I think the problem is the fact that you all have mentally decided she is an outsider and hence kept the relationship that way. Accepting a son-in-law or daugter in law is a challenge for both the families and I think if the children are happy with their relationship the family needs to respect that. Remember just because someone may be from a different race or religion -it does not mean they are bad or inadequate . This person and their qualities are what your brother wanted in the first place and hence he married her - as family you all should be encouraging them to fix their differences and make it work . Would this have not been the case if they had an arranged marriage and found out that they were incompatible later - the fact that you all have placed a block despite the fact that you mention below that she is a nice girl sounds very judgemental.

        My ex is now married to a woman his parents found and they are different in many ways- he repents everyday and has asked me to forgive him and come back. I refused as I want him to put his effort into that marriage and make it work since he agreed to be married to this girl despite the fact that he was in love with me. The sad fact is that in most of these cultures even of they get a divorce later- the family will promptly find another girl and get the boy married again despite it being apparent that the man has issues and needs to fix himself before making such a committment ever. But no one thinks about the poor girl who is often stigmatized for the divorce and is left to pick up the pieces of her life - this is very common in South East Asia.
        As women - we all need to realize that we need to step up for our fellow sisters and tell the men in our lives that respect and committment in any relationship is an absolute MUST not encourage their errant behaviour.

  16. Assalamualaikum,,,

    Dear Rabia,

    I was on the same situation even until now,,,though Im already a muslim...

    As for the knowledge and accepting Islam, its easy to say..but very hard to do..we may learn about the religion...but if you dont have the intention that everything is to please Allah (SWT), it will not work. ..and the person will still continue on how they live their life...they love the dunya..

    I've experienced a very difficult life,,even until now...regarding the in-laws issue...but what i've learned and realized that Alhamdullilah,,,I am a muslim...Eventhough i have the same situation,,,i have the knowledge on how to cope with it..Alhamdullillah...and I' m getting my strenght in the quran...as it was the only weapon when i'm in the battle of life...

    After all, life is a test for the hereafter...and Inshaallah all our Muslim brothers and sister who are sufferring now,,because of the same related issues.....Only ALLAH knows best for each and everyone of us...We may lost everything,,,but if we have faith....the good intention...Inshaallah,,everything will be ok..

    May Allah bless us all and increase all our good deeds...

  17. by other peoples struggle i realise how blessed i am to have a wonderful wife who is soo understanding.. πŸ™‚
    theres been times where my wife woke me up for fajr.... alhamdulillah πŸ™‚

  18. Why can't people just accept other religions?? If they r a good person they are a good person no matter what religion.

    • NASHleykas, we do accept and respect people of all religions. When it comes to my work colleagues, my neighbors, etc, I treat them all with kindness regardless of religion. In fact one of my neighbors is a woman who every day is stumbling drunk by noon, and comes around wanting to use the phone, or give me tomatoes from her garden, or whatever. It's always something. She's so drunk she can hardly speak. But I treat her with respect because it's a matter of human decency and also an act of da'wah.

      But when it comes to choosing a marriage partner, a Muslim wants someone who will help him/her achieve the purpose of life, which for a Muslim is to worship Allah. It's a matter of faith and what a person believes to be the meaning of life. If you believe that Islam is the true religion, and that the purpose of life is to worship Allah, do good in the world, grow stronger in faith, and achieve Paradise, then you obviously will want someone who can help you on that path, just as you will help him or her. You would never choose someone who will divert you from that path, or who will be an obstacle instead of a guide and partner.

  19. I just want to say something.....i agree with the fact that everyones family, everyones situation is different. And i appreciate and agree very much with all of which you are all saying....but we must remember one thing. People are coming on here to look for answers to situations they are in. Just like in Islam, we turn to the Quran for answers. It is "the book of answers", but unfortunately just because you may have encountered a bad situation of the kind in your life time, i do not agree that you can tell someone to just "END IT". As muslims we are not allowed to force anyone in doing something, we can only teach. In telling someone to end it now, you are almost acting as God no? You cannot tell someone to end their relationship now, we have no idea what those two people have been through. A relationship takes TWO just like a marriage takes TWO not ONE. Some people here are only telling THEIR side of the story....but what about the others side? For some of us LOVE MAY BE BLIND, for others LOVE is everything and we should follow our heart. For me i try to do both. I try to listen to logic and my mind, and then i listen to my heart.

    I am engaged to a pakistani man and i am portuguese. I am on the path to conversion now and i hope to one day soon call myself a MUSLIM. I am only here in my life where i am because of him. He is my gift from Allah. Although i said in the beginning of our relationship that i would never convert when it came time to marriage and the future i realized that it wouldnt make sense any other way. Marriage is a growth not just a title or status in life. It is personal growth and accomplishment with someone special. It is someone who you can turn to like no other; other than Allah that is. Allah knows what is best, and only Allah can say whether or not these peoples relationships are to end or not. I have lost my family in the process of getting engaged because they do not accept my fiance for being pakistani, for being too dark, and for being muslim. They do no know who he is, how he lives his life, how kind and generous and giving he is, how family oriented he is, how he takes care of everything and everyone and most importantly HOW MUCH HE LOVES ME. Just i have no doubt in Allah, i have no doubt in OUR love.....but my parents cannot see beyond the cultural and religious problems that this marriage may cause for them....so they have choosen to disown me. Obviously i can do nothing more but accept this, because i am sure one day this will change, i have faith in Allah. But just because my parents dont like him and dont accept him, does that mean i should listen to them, and let go of a relationship of more than 3 1/2 years? Allah brings him closer to me everyday....should i still listen to my parents logic? My parents have been married for almost 30 years and at their 25th wedding anniversary problems began, so who should i listen to?.......I am very close to his family and i very lucky to have family like them who are here everyday to help me, who love me soo; a family love in which i have no doubt is true.

    The other thing i want to say is that in life we cannot think about everything logically. If we thought about everything logically then how could we say that we believe in Allah? Faith and hope are not results of logic. Logic is scientific results, things we can see. We cannot see, or hear Allah. At least no directly.....we feel Allah we see him through the changing of the seasons, we hear Allah through prayer and recitation, WE FEEL ALLAH IN OUR HEARTS AND IN OUR SOULS......that is what love is......LOVE IS A FEELING, NOT A LOGIC THOUGHT. Just as we believe and trust and have faith and hope in Allah we must believe in our love for that special someone. if you truly love someone then you, just as we can so easily trust, have faith in and have hope in Allah, then we can do the same for them.

    These poor confused people are here looking for help. We should be teaching to look for help in religious ways. We can share experiences and past memories, but how can we as muslims and non muslims just tell someone it will not work out? We are not Allah and we do not know what if in store for these peoples' future. Like look at AHMED.....he is married to a christian woman and happily married. His wife makes sure that he and his children continue to be good muslims even thou she is not. I am sure anyone could have told him that it would never work out, but he listened to his heart, he knew that Allah was watching over him. He knows that watever happens is Allah's will. This world is to focused on logic and what or cant be seen or tested. We need to balance life and those thoughts. Remember to think logically but to listen to ur heart as well, because it is there that GOD RESIDES.

    Khudafiz everyone...and may Allah bless us all with guidance and everything of good HE has to offer.

  20. to the original poster:

    i have few words of comfort or advice, but know you are not alone in your situation. i am a jewish woman, in love with an egyptian, muslim man. his family are freaking out. my family are freaking out. my parents have said they will never accept our relationship. my own brother will not come to our wedding. ive never been religious and i have no intention of converting to anything, nor of following the faith i was born into - but i have agreed to raise our children muslim because it is important to my boyfriend. and yet, his family tries to pressure me to convert. and this would be easy to handle, since his brother is my best friend (he introduced us) and his sister likes me, and his other brother seems to like me as well. his mother likes me, as a person, but worries about our children being confused. and yet, this would all be easy to manage if only my parents didnt stir up trouble at every turn. i will not convert to islam because i am not religious. and i am fighting so hard to preserve my family's traditions in my future family (since being jewish is not only about religion, it's about traditions) and to honor my parents as much as i can, and all they are doing is giving me reasons to stop trying to do this for them. it is very hard.

    i love my boyfriend very much. and he loves me. and we are trying to figure out a way to make our lives work together, and we have a very long road ahead of us. the only thing i can say to you is that parents have a very hard time letting their children be adults and live their own lives. and in your case, and in my case, and honestly, in very many cases, they view it as a rejection of themselves when children reject certain values of their parents. so when i reject my parents' religious values (which i rejected a very long time ago, before i ever met my boyfriend) they take it to be a rejection of our family, our roots, our history and ancestry - and sadly, they are in their 50's and as such, are unlikely to change their views.

    but there comes a time in every person's life when one has to take responsibility for him/herself and forge their own path. and sometimes that conflicts with our family's idea of our life. but you have to do things on your terms, because if you don't, you will always wonder if you sold out. at least that's what i believe. my parents threaten to disown me, my brother says he will not let me see my nieces if i marry my boyfriend (and my nieces, i love them almost more than anything in the world) but i realized that no one can force me to do or not do anything. and manipulation and coercion has no place in my life. it saddens me that i may lose a lot if i choose to be with him, but if he is right for me, then so be it. and oddly, even if he and i don't work out, my relationship with my family will never be the same after all this. because at the end of the day, i believe that this fight is about more than my being with this particular muslim man. it's about me choosing a partner for myself, regardless of what he may believe, or how he looks, or what he does, or anything. i've known first hand that even when you're with someone who is just like you, it doesn't guarantee success, so why limit yourself? find the best person for you, whoever that is, work hard to make things work, and let everyone take care of themselves. because no matter how much you love your family, you can't let them control your life. and no matter how much they love you or have done for you, they have no right to stand in your way.

    • I absolutely agree with you. It's more than frustrating to read and ponder these replies. I've read several of them.

      I think it's about time these men step up and start acting like the grown men that they are. They are husbands now not little boys.

      I can go on and on about how differences will exist but must not own your life but it's all been said already.

      Listen, you are grown a** men, stand up and act like it. The excuse of 'mom won't like it' says nothing about why you won't tell your parents about your wife but it says a lot about you as a man and how you really feel about your wife.

      Be a man already. You're mature enough to marry, so your mature enough to tell your parents. Stop disrespecting your wife, she is your family now.

    • I agree with every word here and wish that all the muslim men out there realize that they are damaging the psyche and lives of these women. They do not have the right to play with anyone's life -God gives us life and he alone has this privilege. So all you muslim men- remember your Allah is watching and you will suffer too for bringing untold misery and grief to these gullible women.

  21. there is a race, cultural barriers when it comes to certain things, but the main question is are you willing to look past those barriers? if not then you wont get far. im a muslim who is married to an christian women, got 2kids and living a blessed life. everyone is different so i cant say what other guys are thinking but if i wanted to do something, then i will do it without hesitation.

    peace........

  22. I have a Pakistani Boyfriend as well and we've been living together for abt 6months. He made me understand since the beginning what's gonna happen at the end-he has to leave me, he can't b with no matter what. But now found myself 2months pregnant. He seems to b very happy at the beginning but he stop hugging me, kissing me since then. He just keep saying that I've ruined his life and now he ask me to have an abortion. I'm bhuddist and having an abortion is really aginst religion cos we believe in karma.
    Now I just want to keep the babies...I'm having twins, it doesn't matter if he can b with me or not. I believe if do good, something will return to me and help me to bring them up.
    I'm really confuse what to do. I don't want to ruin his life but at the same time I also didnt want to put myself into any trouble after abortion.

    I think if he can ask me to abort the babies then he would easily forget abt us. I can't understand Pakistani's heart. What is it make from?

  23. Hi,

    Well my comment is obviously very late. I found this forum and all comments are absolutely true. Being Christian having a relation with Muslim is pretty complicated. I want to share my story..
    I have Pakistani Boy Friend.. He is a very nice person and as usual, good looking.. I love him so much.. with passion. I am aware even before that he will get married soon. Not confirm the date but his mother arranging everything. He told me that he's been trying to escape since 3 years back. Well, as a woman there's a little pain in my heart but i am glad that he is very open to me. At least I know where to place my self. I never plan to stay with this man for so long. But I just cant leave him, he is a good person and I cannot blame my man because of his culture or religion. Yes, we will marry one of his cousin. Sooner or Later, who is she? I dont know and I dont want to know. To the point that our friends were teasing him " what will Happen to her (me)".. Same night when we were alone before he drop me to my house, he proposed to me.. I was able to stop the tears in my eyes. Its tears of Joy. He told me, I may not escaped to the will of my mom but I want to marry you. YOu will be my wife and mother of my children.. But I refused. I am not ready, my family will not accept that kind of situation. Not just once, he asked me to marry him, but again and again.. I refused..
    I am christian, based in UAE but originally an asian, far east... This culture is unacceptable.. So many question came to my mind,.. What will happen if he will need to marry someone else.. If my parents will accept me again? What is I died, what will happen to my children?, where they will burry my dead body? What will be the religion of my children? and many more questions..

    I accepted the fact that we cannot be together as husband and wife, (may be someday, who knows?)
    But our love is the most important.. Marriage is just a contract, piece of paper.. But our love is morethan that..
    Our love is our contract, honesty is the witness, trust is the signature, kiss is the stamp..

    I love him and I dont want to lose him. I wont lose him, but if someday will come and he decided to go.. I will be thankful for all the time he spent to me.. I love him, i love him so much, i love him with passion.. It just happened that we were born in different countries and cultures..

  24. All of you naive women here in love with Paki men, please understand that if he is not willing to tell his family or take on his parents to accept the relationship then there is no future. As harsh as this sounds, this is reality- these men are spineless and do not want to stand up for themselves. They will use religion, family, pressure and other garbage to tell you they are sorry and walk away- this is the sad truth of these scumbags.

    Remember if someone truly loves you, they will never think of making you cry, feel pain and drown in sorrow- I am one of you and ended a five year relationship six months ago with a paki man. During this time, I stood by him thru a job loss, visa issues and being homeless. Ask you paki bf if he will introduce you to his family/friends and will talk to them about marrying you; if he stands up for you then there is hope- even then be on your guard!
    If he choses to avoid talking about the future-this is a clear red flag- there are many honorable men out there , as painful as it seems you are better off suffering six months of heartbreak and then finding the man who will value you for who you are vs someone who doesnt have the courage to speak his mind and stand up for what is right.
    Also remember despite all their arguments of religion, these men would have never fallen in love with you if they are true practising muslims- Islam forbades dating and also forbades forced marriages and race/caste diffrenciation. These men and their families are deluding themselves as following islam when they are infact disregarding the words of the Koran, Allah and the Prophet.

    • Brokensmile,

      Please refrain from using the term 'Paki'. It is well known that the term 'Paki' is used as a derogatory reference to Pakistani people.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Senior Editor

  25. BrokenSmile,

    I love that guy, and I respect him and his religion. May be all the stories are similar but the situation may not. I know it will be painful but still I am thankful for everything and every moment that we were together.

  26. Roxy
    I felt the same way as you do now and I was with him for five years so it has not been easy for me either- but the point I'm trying to make is that these men are aware of the path they are heading down and choose to string women along which is what is unfair. See Jane's comment above -she says it much more eloquently than me.

    God be with you.

  27. I so agree with brokensmile here. Let me tell you my story. I dated this paki for 3 years. All was so good. At the beginning of our relationship (3 years ago), he introduced me to his parents and I did the same with my parents. He kept on saying how ,much he loved me and wanted us to be together. Well! I recently discovered (3 years later) that he married a girl (16 at the time) a few months after our parent's meeting. He flew back to pakistan to pick her up this past christmas. Imagine for 3 years, he has been lying to me. And the sad part is that he never had the balls to tell me. He left it there for me to discover through his papers. Up to this day, he claims that he loves me.....well guess what stay with your own kind...liar!!!

  28. I am French-Canadian, I married a Pakistani man and I cannot be happier! We met at university and we dated for 4 years before we even discussed our future. I told my parents and they were completely against it. However after they met him, everything changed. They liked him a lot on the first meeting and gave me their blessing. I am Roman Catholic and my parents asked him if he would want me to convert before marriage. He essentially told them no and that it should be my decision. I respect and admire him greatly for that. I decided not to convert and I was surprised when his family did not make any fuss about this matter. We had a traditional Pakistani wedding. He has a huge family in Canada and they accepted me with open arms. I feel so at home with them.

    He is a great husband and an even better family man. There is always a family gathering and I am learning so much about Pakistani culture everyday. I feel a deep connection with his family and they all adore me. My father-in-law is very progressive and he doesn't shy away from cracking blonde jokes. My mother-in-law is still very much suspicious of sharing her family recipes with me. She thinks I am her majesty's spy. She'll come around... lol!

    I visited Pakistan for the first time in 2005 and stayed in his family home. Probably the best vacation I had and I have had plenty. I met his extended family in Pakistan and it is enormous! I cannot even remember all the names but it was so touching. Pakistanis are so hospitable people, I couldn't stop making friends. I still keep in touch with as many members of his extended family as humanly possible. Mostly through Facebook, Skype, and we have a separate Pakistani landline in our home in Canada! It is crazy how much his family wants to be in touch!

    I feel truly blessed to be a part of his family. I haven't had a lot of problems in our marriage and we have been married now for 5 years. We have two sons, Aamir and Salman, and a beautiful daughter, Sara. People often get surprised and you get those looks where ever you go but that hardly bothers me considering my grandmother still doesn't know where Pakistan is. She thinks its in North Africa.

    There is no doubt that Pakistani men are hardworking and they are great providers. My husband works 7 days a week and I have never heard him complain or even mention it as much. He is home at 5 p.m. and spends the remaining time with kids. After our second child, I decided to stay home and we moved out of the city. That is not to say I don't have a life. I am actively involved with the church as a treasurer. I have several commitments in community and to non-profit organizations. I do a lot of pro-bono stuff.

    My biggest complain, he is an awful handyman and never help with the dishes! I mean, NEVER! Don't even try! He is a great cook, better than me at times. He is always up before I am and prepares breakfast for kids without anyone asking. He is amazing and I very happy. Following my lead, my best friend married a Pakistani, and no complains there either. She moved to Manitoba, bought a house, and lives close by. I love our little world.

    My advice to all women is to be simply cautious. Pakistani men, though more family oriented, are still men! You have to sort out the good ones from bad. Remember, men grow old, they never grow good. Let your instinct guide you. If it feels right, go with it and fight for it. If you feel it is not going to work than it is likely it won't. Good luck to everyone out there and I wish you all a happy life!

    • Peace be with you, Alice,

      Thank you very much for opening your Heart and sharing your beautiful life and family with us. Your advice is excellent.

      All my Unconditional Love and Respect,

      MarΓ­a
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Thank God ...

      I was believing that there are no good pakistani man alive in west , but after reading your story , there is still hope that there are men who are good ,atleast some of them lol

      It really makes me sad after reading people's experiences regarding pakistani man . Most of the time when I go foreign . People always look at me in a very not SO good manner.
      I wonder when we pakistanis will change .

  29. I am very late to this conversation but want to share another positive story. I have been with a Pakistani man for the last two years. I fell in love with him on our first date. On our second date I told him that I would never convert to Islam and that he should know that about me if we were going to try to date each other. Two months later he told me that he did not want to tell his parents about us for a while longer (he was living with them). I, on the other hand, was an Armenian Christian battling my father because I was dating a Muslim. He didn't tell them for another four months but I was assured that things were fine and that they would accept us. I continued to argue with my dad.

    When we were not thinking about our family drama, we were falling more in love. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. He is relatively conservative, but I love his values and the way he looks at life. I am not a religious person but I actually really like the fact that he has such a spiritual aspect to him. He is also hot, which helps πŸ™‚

    At this point I was ready to meet his parents. I had introduced him to my siblings and my mother (who loved him). He stayed at my apartment all the time but I had never been to his house. He did not want to introduce me yet and I rightfully flipped out on him. Weeks of tension and arguing later - which included fights about the fact that I didn't want to move to the neighborhood his parents live in - I ended things. I was just exhausted by all the fighting.

    During our break up I did what I usually do which is to make a big life altering decision (a previous breakup resulted in LASIK surgery) and I decided to buy an apartment. I did not expect to find something so quickly, but I did. I make a big independent decision and it was going to distract me from my broken heart. Three weeks later he asked me to get coffee and told me that he had moved out of his parents place and into his own apartment and that he wanted to get back together.

    I could go on and on... it is now one year later from this moment and we are still together (our breakup did not last long). His parents are finally ready to meet me. He put his foot down with them and told him that he wanted to marry me and that they needed to meet me. While they wish I would convert, they understand that I will never do it. My father has also calmed down and realized that my boyfriend is not a maniac. We plan to get engaged in Sept before he moves in to my new place.

    The point here is that he and I both walked in without rose colored goggles and have been able to make it work and unravel much of what should be unraveled BEFORE getting married. We both have enough respect for our families to be this way. There are still a ways to go but we are going in the right direction. And he is not being spineless like so many of the men described here.

  30. Reading this thread is making me so sad right now...

    I recently met a Pakistani man.. very americanized! Truly something special. Met him because of some car trouble and ended up taking my car to his business... Needless to say we hit it off from the start. We exchanged numbers and he proceeds to contact me everyday... texting, phone calls, nice words are exchanged, even while on vacation he made it his business to contact me everyday. Pictures exchanged.. not only of him but of his son as well (so yes there is a woman). He said its an arranged marriage. i started to ask questions about it and how this all works... as a Christian woman this is really all new to me. He is not really responsive with answers. He keeps saying "in time i will explain all." We went out 2 times in the last 3 months and just recently he spent a day with me and my son, oh and he brought his son too. WE had a lovely time but still there is some mystery. Our relationship is just a friendship however just recently we shared a very passionate kiss.. which led me to believe that he likes me... also, we have a mutual friend that he keeps telling him that he really likes me, but after reading all this it makes me sad! 1 being that he is married! (but he loves to say he can have up 4 wives) and in addition always ask if we ever get intimate how would i feel about having a child??? But honestly speaking i don't see this growing.. it seems that I should really quit while i'm ahead. I guess its the case of the culture clash. I'm Latina, and have no problem dating out my race however it seems that I probably won't be that accepted in his life... and that is really making sad. Better now than years down the line where i would truly be hurt. Why does love have to be this way??

    Sincerely,
    so sad in Brooklyn!

    • Ms Sunflower,

      You say that you are upset because you dont see yourself being accepted in this man's life and are implying that this is probably due to a 'culture clash'. Had it ever occured to you that the reason why you may never be accepted in this man's life is because he is already married? And if you are accepted, it will most likely be at the expense of another woman's happiness and marriage. This has nothing to do with culture, but has everything to do with immorality on your and this man's behalf. Do the right thing and leave him alone to get back to his wife and family. I can guarantee you that this path you are walking on will bring you nothing but misery.

      If you have any further questions, log in and submit them as a separate post.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Sister Z,

        Thank you for your honest response! I am doing the right thing about this situation. I don't want that Karma. When I say its sad or I'm sad its just reading the thread that made me feel this way. Its just emotion because I'm one of those suckers for love lol! But My rsponse is not placed on here to be judged or have anyone assume why I feel the way I feel! I know my faults and am not sinless like a bunch of us in this world. I do know how it feels to be on that side of the fence which is why I am not pursueing him. Unfortunate for me he is not available. However, it goes it definitely is a growing experience in life.

        • Ms Sunflower,

          That wasnt me being judgemental, so I apologise if it came across that way. What I said was just the truth. Sometimes the truth is really painful to hear and I know how that feels. At the same time, the harsh truth sometimes helps us wake up, I know how that feels too. None of us is free of sin, but we do have a duty to help each other become aware.

          I am glad you realised this man was not available and stepped back. InshaAllah you will find someone who you love more and who will be good for you in this life and the next, aameen!

          SisterZ
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

          • Hi Sister Z,

            Again, thank you for your response and your humility. I am very much aware of how the truth can sting... been there done that -- next! Its life. With Faith, humility and compassion, I know "this too shall pass".

            God Bless!
            Ms. Sunflower

  31. I have a situation in which i am so clueless on what to do. I am a guyanese american 26 year old girl. my dad is muslim and mom is christian. I do not follow any religion. I have been with a pakistani man for about a year and a half now. We love each other so much and have been through alot together. He goes above and beyond to make me happy. Him and I have had conversations early in our relationship about what are we going to do when it comes time to marry. He has told me that he used to tell me he will figure it out when time came. His mom has seen me a few times. And harrasses him all the time about being with me, when she does not know this for sure. He tells me she hates me, that me and him are not a match and etc....she never met me and I find it very ignorant that she would even say these things. She puts my culture down, according to him. And she will never agree to us getting married. He is not the type that likes drama and would not like to not please his mom, which i fully understand. But she wants a paki girl for him and he does not, so his solution to this is never to get married in that way there is no drama and he pleases his mom. But what about me, he tells me i can stick around if i want too but we can never get married. But yet he stays with me and does more extravagant things for me. We love each other and this is a kind of love that does not come around often. He tells me all the time im the type of girl he sees himself with. im so confused and need some advice.I am willing to convert and raise kids in the muslim way. Help!

  32. Very interesting reads from everyone here, I am in a similar situation. I am THAT pakistani man having to face up to the harsh reality of pakistani parents rejecting anyone whom their son chooses to marry. However my gf is a muslim alhamdulillah and her father is actually a scholar. We met online and started to "date". We both love eachother very much, the only issue here is that she's of indian origin, and not a graduate like me. So my parents will not accept.But I will keep praying and trying.

    I can only imagine what it must be like when the girl is a non-muslim, non-asian. May Allah help us all. Pakistani parents really need to open their minds up and realise what they are asking of their kids.

  33. Dear Friends,
    I am a Pakistani and suggest you to be careful of such people!

  34. Hi, i am a christian and when i was 17 i met this young muslim pakistani man. who i am still currently seeing. I have known him for 3-4 years and over this time period we spent the best time together, grew to love eachother deeply, and have done and experienced so many things together. Ive travelled with him, ive seen his life, hes seen mine. I moved house, he moved house - to a scandavian country to work and we still cudnt let go of eachothers company and the memories we built together and i would fly out to meet him and he would fly to meet me because we just loved eachother too much to let go. I am now 20 and he is 26, and because of his age his parents have arranged a marriage for him. naturally, when i found how serious it was about 6 or months ago i couldnt take it and became very depressed. we both used to cry to eachother about it n tell eachother we cudnt let eachother go. he told me he told his parents about me. that I am the one he loves and they told him because i am not muslim he cannot marry me and gave him the ultimatum of choosing between them and me. his parents know about me and have told him to stop seeing me. but my parents dont know about him. i think the one thing im holding on to is the fact that i gave my life to this man, my virginity, my heart, my body, my soul my respect and my devotion. and the one person i love, the first man i ever knew is breaking my heart to the ground, so as i heard someone else say earlier, "to marry his culture". about a month ago, he flew out to meet this girl in pakistan as his parents had told him to do. when he got back i asked him what he did out there..his response was "we just ate food the whole family and discussed". and then i found a picture of the two couple sitting together, a picture to honor their engagment. n i couldnt believe my eyes that i was seeing the man i am in love with, standing with another woman. once upon a time we dreamed and we tlked about having kids together, a house , a family, i used to tlk about having a house with and having a nice garden, growing my fruits and vegetables... but my dreams and wishes and hopes are being destroyed in front of my very eyes. some other woman is taking those dreams i have away from me. - i died a thousand times that night i saw the picture. i wasnt meant to see it of course. n he told me he didnt want to hurt me. but the fact still remains. i think i love this man, way too much than he deserves, because i am still here, i just want the time i have left with him because ino i will never get that back. it is now septemeber and his marriage will proabably takeplace in december. Ino he loves me deeply, but i know he loves his family more. n i hate myself. can someone tell me why i love this man so much ? i put myself through the pain to get the last bit of time i have left with him? i just dont know anymore, im heartbroken to the point i feel i have been detroyed by this man. I feel like i have been done wrong, like i gave him something so precious and it would have been honoured with a lifelong commitment in return. i feel i have been robbed of something i should have given to somebody that would have never let me down. while hell be married with someone who can give him children cook and clean for him i will be alone πŸ™ n my heart breaks every time i think about it. its not fair πŸ™ n i am in despair. sorry if im going on about it lol it feel nice that i am not the only one experiencing this...

    • actually after reading over my comment i was abit over emotional when i wrote it lol to be honest i understand the difficulties in a mulim christian marriage - the biggest is the children. but i have read very ignorant comments earlier about the muslim girl who is talking about the white woman who her muslim relative has married - as always being an outsider to the muslim family. As a Christian, I believe in a Holy and Good God who does not discriminate against race or background. God loves people regardless of whether they believe in Him or not, How do we know this ? because the sun still shines on the wicked, sinners are still eating breathing living, living in luxury and comfort with fantastic lifestyles and all the rest. and if none of us can say we are without sin then this applies to all of us. that while we were yet sinners, God showed his love through Jesus Christ. therefore for someone to say they believe in 'GOD', and talk badly about a woman because she isnt a 'muslim' or is 'white' i cannot say that you have the True Gods love in you because God blesses us all whether we love him or not. and there is nothing i have in this life than that which has been provided by my Father in heaven. So YES, it is very difficult to marry someone who does not believe in the same things as u, but if it were to happen I believe the Godly thing to do, is to live your life together in a way that is not hateful and resentful but respect each other. because at the end of the day, we are all human beings and in need of our creator.

  35. So so many comments to this and it still shocks me how many broken people their are because of family pride. But unfortunately these so called men no matter how much they love you nor how much you love them is enough. When his mum wants a wife from back home for her wonderful son the decision is final. I am still hurting from my own boyfriend of almost 4years for his recent trip to pakistan that he did not return to me from. He went ahead and got married and that was it not even as much as a phone call. That's what I get after this long. When I finally got hold of him wich I had to go looking. He couldn't even speak to me because he was so guilty so choked up. But I don't blame his mum I do but not fully because it was him who claimed he loved me him who stayed with me planned a life filled me with so much happiness and hopes to just disappear from my life as if I'm rubbish. I still don't know what or when this was all planned or how long he has lied to me but I can never believe a word he says now because its all just a big lie. I feel so ashamed that I cannot face people because its the I told you so surely you knew. You mustav knew. When truth is all I knew was this man loved me like I did him but in pakistani culture love apart from that of mother and child does not exist. The fact that he can just blank me and get on with his life as I never existed is pulling me apart inside and to even get through a day now is hard work I can see the sadness in my own face even in pictures I can see the hurt in my fake smiles. His tears and he's sorrys don't mean anything and the fact that I can't even hate him even after this I hate myself but I do not hate him. I still can't imagin he has been so sly. Even moving house. Its like is this realy happening its worse then any tragic pathetic drama on tv. And I'm living it real life having to deal with the shame of being the one left behind. And having to lie awake a night thinkiing things that litrally make me sick. Because of him I hate how he can affect me so much that I don't want to live anymore. I feel used and ashamed and I know in my heart I will never get over this. To have your life turned upside down by a person you have put everything into and that same person can just ignore you. He can't even speak with me because he's scared he knows that his feelings are still there but he can't do anything about this now and that's why he went ahead with it I think he wanted the fact that he now has to stay with this women he can't do anything about it. He says my mum knows she's messed my life up but I have to make best of what iv got now. So soon she will come to uk and I think she's already pregnant so that's the life I have to look forward to seeing him give my entire happiness and life to a stranger that he says he's getting to know. What a joke what an absolute joke of a little man and a family full of hypocrites. They make me sick to call on gods name when they should be ashamed of their selves. I just hope he does not contact me again because as much as its killing me to be left alone hearing his crap makes me 10times worse hearing that its not all been a lie even though I don't believe him makes me worse its better I see him for the dog that he is. A sly hypocrite of a man. I'm sorry for the length of this comment but I just wanted to say how much I feel for the broken women these type of men leave behind when mummy wants a wife. I hope that no one has to ever feel the hurt and shame that I am today because of a so called man. The pity that people give you like your a victim makes it so much worse I hope that this hurt and hate for myself does not last forever because while I'm the one devastated he's working his backside off to bring her here while I'm sat with a few measly gifts gold bangles photos perfumes things that mean the world to me because from him he's sat with his happy family waiting for his life to begin with his first born on the way. So more fool me. I have to deal with the time is a great healer bla bla you will find someone better. When I know I will never let anyone in again ever.

  36. Hi I'm Christian and im 28 yrs old and dating a 30 yrs old Muslim guy. I made a mistake before when I was younger and got pregnant by an irresponsible boyfriend. this Muslim guy has been hitting on me for about a year but I didn't care or showed any chances to give him a try. he doesnt know at that time that i have a child from before. After a year of being pursued by him, I finally give in to be out on a date with him.. Things came slowly perfect. For 2 months we've been dating, he keeps mentioning me to his friends and family. But when I decided to tell him about my life.. He still accepts me, but I can feel that whenever his out with his family he never did mentioned me at all to them.. Whenever he's on the phone with his family he keeps warning me or giving me a sign that it's his family on the other line. I love him but I want to grow this relationship. Please can you advise me on what should I do..

    • Yhang, please log in and write your question as a separate post. My short answer to you now is that this guy is playing with you. If he were serious he would tell his family about you and propose marriage. But I doubt very much that his family would approve of him to marry you, partly because you are Christian and partly because you have a child by another man.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  37. I am commenting without completing reading all comments.
    My analysis:
    * Guys who do not tell their parents = Just using you till they are in the US for pleasure. They will treat you the best but waste years of your life. If they really care for you they will definately tell their family, of course they will hesitate but will tell. I would just tell and see the consequences, at least then there is an option, the family knows and gives the guy the option then the guy is to decide. The part where a lot of you said above that the guy never told the family and just left, those were only the lustfull ones. THEY USED YOU. I am sorry for making you feel bad, but it is true.
    * Guys who tell their parents = truly love you. SIMPLE. If it were me, I would tell my parent as soon as I know there even is a little relation in there, so that at least they take things in baby steps, not throwing everything in at once (Marriage)

    The funny part to me is that I was googling for Caucasians marrying Pakistani guys, if the Caucasians would have issues, lol I see it is the other way around, I am a Pakistani Guy BTW. The society in Pakistan has also changed a lot, many would not mind a white but yes they will be concerned.

    My conclusion is that just be careful, don't waste so much time on those kind of guys, just use my calculator, it is very simple:
    * Guy tells his parent: Yes
    * Guy does not tell his parent (Gives Excuses): NO!!!

    In terms of Islam, of course he can Marry you, this was beautifully said by Wael, I could not agree more!!:
    " It is my understanding that in the Quran, it says to obey your parents unless they are requesting that you do something haram etc. Since his parents are refusing to accept a white daughter-in-law based on skin color alone and not on my actual personality traits".

    Islam is a religion that does not discriminate color and what we we believe is that every human is born a Muslim therefore Islam is one Race, The Human Race.

    Have a great day everyone πŸ™‚

  38. I am getting the impression that the majority of the Muslim/Pakistani men mentioned in this thread are not nationals of the countries where the woman they are involved with is??

  39. Look, they are not judging you on your skin color. He is their only son and they are being just good parents as they want to protect him because in most cases when a Muslim marries a white, he ends up getting divorced because she reverts back to Christianity and ends up doing Haram. Maybe this is why they think it would be a shame. Maybe.
    And in Islam, it is believed that in this world, children are known by their father, but in Aakhirat they are awoken by their mother's religion and stuff. ANOTHER LEGIT REASON.

    • "in most cases when a Muslim marries a white, he ends up getting divorced because she reverts back to Christianity"

      This is untrue and unkind toward our convert brothers and sisters. Most of the converts I have known are better and more sincere Muslims than the so-called "born" Muslims. These kind of aspersions only hurt our brothers and sisters and create divisions in the community.

      And stop talking in terms of skin color. "White" means nothing. There are millions of white Muslims. If you mean non-Muslim then say non-Muslim.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  40. Ahmad: Look, they are not judging you on your skin color. He is their only son and they are being just good parents

    What does Islam say about having girlfriends? Why his parents did not stop him for getting into illegal sexual relationship with a WHITE woman?

    To OP this things is quite common many men use White women for sex and later claim their parents are forcing them to marry their cousins.

  41. Dear Sister,

    I really feel sorry and would like to apologise, to hear of your current situation.

    All religions promote Interfaith marriage, I am a Muslim and I belief and have learnt in life that marriage only concerns religion when the human heart and brain grow cold.

    I believe your Muslim other half's parents need to go back to school and study, as they will realise Islam doesn't promote Culture. There's no space for it. Culture is what in Islam takes the human straight to Hell fire.

    The beloved Prophet Muhammad (P.B.U.H) prompted the Kalima - which in English translates to -
    (There is) none worthy of worship except Allah. Muhammad is Messenger of ALLAH.

    In the Kalima there is no culture, your Muslim other half's parents need to understand this.

    Also Forced marriage in Islam is another element which pertains to Hell fire. In Islam Forced marriage is banned and disallowed and if you look again the First Kalima and its translation there is no mention of Forced marriage, your Muslim other half's parents need to understand that their son has the right to choose his life partner and if he wishes not to marry their choice of girl then they need to accept this and accept his choice of girl, whom he wants to marry and whom he will spend the rest of his life with.

    I pray to Almighty Allah Talah Dear Sister,

    That May the Almighty Allah Talah, shine sense into your Muslim other half's parents,
    That they may accept you as their Daughter - in - Law,
    and
    That may you unite with your Muslim other half and once your ready participate with the wedding bells.
    Aameen.

    I hope you found my advise useful Sister.

  42. Slaam
    As i read loads of comments about Pakistani guys going back to marry czns and leaving
    Ladies one thing it has nothing to do with being Pakistani or muslims, its just that person is too weak
    And best thing is to walk away and find someone who can at least take a stand for the person he loves if he loves

    As some timed they are right some time they were wrong
    For me my parents were right she was cheating so its Bad things happen its just part of life

  43. I am in the same situation and you two and i know its hard however his future is decided by him not his family the way i am going about this is i am going to make something of my life then marry my white girlfriend in this world you need to focus just on your self else you are never getting anywhere for his age he should decide for him self

  44. Hi ..also have problem like what all of you have..

    I share mine..
    I've meet a man online ..he's so nice, im just 19 years old ans still studying .. I just want to know if there's a possibility if I win my boyfriend from his parents because we were not sure enough if his mother arranged a marriage for him ..and i feel so bad about it.
    But he told me just to stay with him and finish my study ..what do u think could I win this fight with Pakistani mother ?

    Your respond is so much appreciated

  45. Hi
    I can relate so much to your situation and it is quite frustrating at times. At the moment I am just enjoying the moments spent with him

  46. I am just wondering what happened to the girl who originally posted this in 2009? Did the Pakistani guy marry the one his family wanted for him? How are you now? Are you still together?

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