Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I committed a grave sin and feel guilty and ashamed. I always pray for forgiveness but should I tell my wife?

repent forgive

Assalam O Alaikum,

I am seeking advice regarding a sin that I have committed while married. My intention wasn't to commit a sin honestly but it happened; all I can do now is to ask Allah (swt) for forgiveness till the day I die. I went to massage place to get a massage, after my massage the women asked me if I wanted extra service which I said yes. Then another women came in and perform oral; I couldn't stop it and wasn't myself; I never thought in my life I would do something like that till now I ask Allah (swt) to forgive me and give me Jannah. Even before I got married I used to avoid having sex with women always feared Allah (swt) but that day those 5 mins which changed my life. I regret till today; I can't sleep properly of course; I feel really bad. I told my wife half of the story but not the full story what happened and she forgave me but I can't think properly of what I did and I want to tell her the truth about what happened. I know only Allah (swt) can judge us and forgive us in this life. I hope Allah (swt) can make me a good Muslim and make me forget this sin that I have committed knowingly or unknowingly. I really love my wife and would want a long lasting life with her in this life.

Help please,

Haji.


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13 Responses »

  1. Salaam brother Haji.

    You told your wife some of the story and she forgave you. Dear brother it must have been difficult for her to do that so do not tell her the full story. This will only hurt her, bring back the past and you will risk losing her over something you cannot change. More importantly you need to keep this sin between you and Allah swt.

    Please read this article, it will explain everything on the issue. I appreciate you are not boasting, but it discusses the importance of revealing ones sins unecessarily as well. In an nutshell it is a sin to reveal sins.

    http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/boasting-about-sins/

    “All of my ummah will be fine except for those who commit sin openly. Part of committing sin openly is when a man does something at night and Allaah conceals it, but in the morning he says, ‘O So-and-so, last night I did such and such.’ His Lord had covered his sin all night, but in the morning he removed the cover of Allaah.” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5721; Muslim, 2990)

    Conditions of repentance:
    1 – Giving up the sin immediately.

    2 – Regretting what has happened in the past.

    3 – Resolving not to go back to it.

    4 – Making amends to those whom you have wronged, or asking for their forgiveness. (If able)

    (taken from http://www.turntoislam.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1069)

    Also my dear brother please do not let this sin get you down. Allah swt is the Most Merciful. Yes what you did was wrong, but Alhumdulilah you have realised the error of your ways, I am sure you no longer have massages etc or do anything to go near such a thing again and you have repented. Please do not despair. Thinking that my sin is too big for Allah to forgive is also a sin, as you are saying that your sin is greater than Allahs mercy. NO sin is greater than His mercy. Please be aware it is shaytaan that is encouraging you to despair over your sin. You have InshaAllah fulfiled the conditions of repentance so do not let that stop you from improving. Forgive yourself, vow to never to it again and learn from it.

    Use your time and energy getting closer to Allah. Be kind and loving to your wife and if the sin comes to mind then say Astaghfirullah, but do not let it take over your life. Allah swt has promised that if we make amends not only does he forgive us and wipe away the sin, but He turns the bad deed to a good deed.

    Sara
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. SubhanAllah I received a mail from an old friend about repentance just now here are the hadiths:

    Anas bin Malik (radi Allahu anhu) narrated that The Messenger of Allah (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) said, “Verily, Allah is more delighted with the repentance of His slave than a person who lost his camel in a desert land and then finds it (unexpectedly)”

    [Sahih al-Bukhari and Muslim]

    In another version of Muslim, He (sal Allahu wa sallam) said: “Verily, Allah is more pleased with the repentance of His slave than a person who has his camel in a waterless desert carrying his provision of food and drink and it is lost. He, having lost all hopes (to get that back), lies down in shade and is disappointed about his camel; when all of a sudden he finds that camel standing before him. He takes hold of its reins and then out of boundless joy blurts out: ‘O Allah, You are my slave and I am Your Rubb’. He commits this mistake out of extreme joy”.

    Abu Hurayrah (radi Allahu anhu) narrated that the Messenger of Allah (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) said, “He who repents before the sun rises from the west, Allah will forgive him.”

    [Sahih Muslim]

    Commentary:

    Repentance (Tawbah) means returning to Allah from sins. When a person commits a sin, he goes away from Allah. When he repents, he returns to Allah and desires for being pardoned by Him, and getting near Him. This returning towards Him is Tawbah. When it is said that ‘Allah turns towards him’, it means that Allah accepts his repentance.

    And Allah Knows Best!

  3. Salaam alaikum,

    Dont tell your wife. You do not have to reveal your sins to anyone, all you need to focus on is weeping to Allah and asking Him repeatedly to forgive you for it, inshallah.

    Pay attention to everything sister Sara has told you. Two ladies have adviced you not to tell your wife here, not men, so realise that by telling her , you are not doing any favours on urself or her, because unncessary exposure of sins is not something thats allowed in our deen.
    If anything, try to 'compensate' for what you have done, not only by repenting to Allah ofcourse and seeking his mercy and forgiveness, but even if your wife doesn't know - by being a better husband towards her. This will inshallah help you with your guilty conscience.

    Dont allow shaitaan to pull you down with Him due to this sin and mistake of yours...let it be a reason to bring you closer to Allah. Build a relationship with Allah closer than ever inshallah and just to point out bro...its not only the oral that's haraam (obviously)...but getting massaged by a lady...erm, bro, that aint right either. I'm sure you know that much. For a muslim man, it is not permissible to be alone with any strange woman (by strange here i mean someone to whom he is non mahram)...Let alone for him to be getting a massage by a woman.
    So inshallah I hope you will not allow that to happen either in the future. Prevention is better than cure and our deen has put certain barriers in place - like the strict restrictions on opposite gender interactions for this very reason.

    Was salaam

  4. Brother,

    I agree with the other sisters here...don't tell your wife. You will establish absolutely nothing by telling her except it may possibly destroy you marriage.

    Your sin is between you and Allah. You will have to live with this for the rest of your life. If anything, maybe it will make you a better man and a better husband to know you are married to such a wonderful woman who would never deserve any of this.

    Allah knows best.

    Salam

  5. Asallamualakum dear brother.

    I am married and I am 19 years old. Firstly, may Allah forgive you for the sin you have committed.

    As the sisters mentioned before dear brother, DO NOT TELL YOUR WIFE! This will create more tensions between you and her which would end up negatively. Brother, I humbly advise you to sincerely ask Allah for forgiveness for he is Ar Rahmaan, Ar Raheem. There are some things that people can't even forgive because insaan is created weak and we are not that strong to forgive certain things.

    In your life, never expose your sins to anyone. Our Prophet Muhammad SAW even said that to never expose your sins to anyone. Why? Firstly, it creates a bad image for yourself in the eyes of the public and secondly, that guilt, those feelings will add up and up if you spread it around. Keep it between yourself and do not expose it to anyone you know personally.

    May Allah guide us all on the straight path and protect us from what keeps us from Him.

    Ameen.

    Take care, brother.

    Kamal.

  6. The 4th condition of repentance Sara sent was make mends with who you have wronged, so I'm lost should he hide it from her coz she will find out hereafter

    • Well he has a responsibility to hide his sins so he does need to hide them. InshaAllah if we hide our own sins and the sins of others, Allah will hide them from the eyes of people of the Day of Judgement. None of us can answer whether she will find out on the day of judgement or not - only Allah knows that and the matter is up to Him. But the brother needs to hide the sin, Islamically. He also runs the risk of losing his marriage if he reveals more of his sin. See the evidence below (for hiding sins)

      Whosoever covers (the sins of) a Muslim, Allah covers (his sins) on the Day of Judgment. (Reported by Bukhari)

      With his chain to Aboo Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him), who said: I heard the Messenger of Allaah (sallallaahu ‘alayhe wa sallam) saying:
      “All of my ummah (nation of followers) will be excused, except for the mujaahireen (those who make their sins known). And verily it is a kind of mujaaharah (exposing one’s sins) that a man does something (sinful) at night, and then in the morning, when Allaah has screened his sin for him, he says, ‘Hey So and-So! I did such-and- such last night…’ And the night passed with His Lord screening him, and he wakes up casting aside the screen of Allaah from himself.”

      He should make dua for her as well, so even if she does find out in the hereafter, he will not owe her anything.

      Sara
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor.

  7. Please get tested for STDs before sleeping with your wife again! You don't know how many other men these women have performed oral sex on so you don't know if they have contracted STDs which they may have passed over to you, as well, and which you could potentially pass on to your wife.

  8. Please help.

    • Kalipa, please register and submit your question and we will answer you in turn, Insha'Allah. However, the short answer to your question is easy: make tawbah and do not commit the sin again. Be faithful and do good deeds to cover your bad deed.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Salam Wael.

        Can do i submit a question? through replying here or there is another way to go through? Thanks for the response, short and helpful. Truly appreciated 🙂

        May Allah bless you more.

        Have a nice day.

      • Hi Wael.

        Good day.

        What I posted was deleted. So sad.

  9. Salam brother, I'm glad to hear that you feel remorse for the sin you committed. What you got involved with was disgusting but you feel bad for it, and I think the more important thing now is what you do following the sin. I think you have been given great advice already. Give up the sin, repent and follow up with good deeds. Cover up your sin and strive to be a better Muslim and husband, focus in your wife and treat her well.

    Spare your wife the details she doesn't need to know as long as you are sincere in your repentance! You are far better than people who commit sins and feel no remorse - my husband committed zina but feels no remorse for it, and is a man of poor morals - but you have insight, and will inshaAllah move on from this sin and become a much better person.

    May Allah guide you and bless your marriage.

    Ps how do I know if my question has been published ? I am going through a difficult time and need advice.

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