How can I communicate my sexual needs to my husband without hurting him?
Assalam U Alaikum
I feel strange writing here but I sincerely need help and this can't be from people I know because then my personal and family matters would not remain personal anymore.
I have been happily married for the past ten years mashallah..The problem is that I don't enjoy sexual relations with my husband... I feel that it all ends too soon and does not happen the way I want it to..
I try my best to satisfy my husband by doing what he asks me to and I want the same but that never comes. In the end, I feel dejected and as I have been left stranded in the middle of an island all alone, to face the storm brewing up inside me.
It is making me tense and depressed also frustrated and I don't want to go to that extent in sex to such an extent that would be painful for just me at the end when I am left dissatisfied.. I don't know what to do, my husband wants to make me happy but unfortunately he rarely manages to. If I say this to him or even cry involuntarily he becomes really depressed and I don't want that at all?
I sincerely need advice....if anyone can help me out.....
Thanks
- ashfar
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U can advice a doctor regarding this , the doctor might suggest somethings/tablets u know that can make ur husband at a better position so he can satisfy u
And other thing is that u have to tell ur husband the truth that he is not able to satisfy u coz if u r gonna seek some consultancy from the doctor than his involvement is mandatory
Hope I was helpful but I guess others may provide a better solution than my
If you just brought it up out of the blue maybe he would take it the wrong way, but what you could do is, next time as the foreplay is beginning ask him or tell him. Tell him to do what you want to do, tell him to touch you where and how you want him to touch you. Just casually be like, I like it when you touch me here or keep doing this or that. Not all females can orgasm through sex alone, so maybe if he helped you get there before, you might enjoy the act alot more. If you are pleasing him, he should be willing to please you.
Asalamoalaikum sister,
A husband and wife is one unit. You spend a huge chunk of your life with them so it’s best to have enough rapport and comfort so that you are able to share things freely. That being said I understand you do not want to hurt your husband’s feelings. At this point what you need to do is discuss this issue with him but during the right time, not right before intimacy (as this may anger or sadden him and he may just “turn off” completely leaving you feeling rejected and angered).
Why not go out for a nice dinner, go for a long drive, and be a bit romantic and flirty with him. Basically, get him in a good mood and then very calmly tell him there is something you want to tell him but promise him that he won’t take it in the wrong way. Then start off telling him how GOOD of a husband he is and how good he is in bed (even though he may not be satisfying you completely). Then say you’re really good at this, this, this…but I was wanting some more of this. It doesn’t mean that I’m not happy, I am hence I’m married to you for 10 years but maybe if you did this differently it would create more spark and passion in our intimacy. That way you’re not breaking down his confidence; you’re praising him first and then showing him room for improvement.
An even better idea is to maybe direct things in your intimacy next time. Show him how you want things to go. For many men, this in itself can be very attractive and turning on. This way he’ll know next time what you liked and what you want.
If you decide not to communicate to him, you’re just going to become more passive-aggressive and one day, you’ll finally blow up and that will just cause more problems. It’s best to be honest with him but again in subtle ways.
-Helping Sister
Salaam waleikum waragmatoelah hibrakatoe,
I had a small idea which might work...others can of course correct me on this.
Why not leave this website with your post open on the computer ? At a time when you know your husband will be going on the computer and then leave the house for longer then 2 hours.
So he ''accidently'' reads this and the 2 hours are a must because you have to give him enough time to ''adapt'' to this new information. Because otherwise you might start fighting for a small or no reason at all.
If he is a sunnah following brother I think he'll get the picture and understand that woman have needs to.
If he doesn't understand doesn't have to neccesarily mean he isn't following sunnah or doesn't love you he might be to shy or wouldn't know how to talk to you about it. (trust me men have that too yeah).
Now you kind of already broke the ice because if he doesn't mention this to you the whole day that he read this then at night, or preferbly 1 hours before you go to sleep. Have a honest conversation couples mostly tend to always beat around the bush, which can be good untill it becomes a habit then you are neglecting each other and not speaking the truth. Talk to him about it and be very gentle as another sister explained above start with compliment etc, to avoid harming his ''ego''.
Then as another sister said show how what you would like him to do in a ummm...''pleasurable'' way (yes it doesn turn men on...)
Anyway in the whole process try to be honest without hurting each other and try to understand him to. If it might come over that he cannot satisfy you or that all those years have been for nothing, This can be very very very bad kind of like a trauma for a men so try to avoid giving him this way of thinking.
Also maybe he can't satisfy because he can't perform ? umm maybe has to do with age or something else. But if he needs a little boost, go to the doctor as recommended above.
Last but not least you can prevent hurting his feelings by before you say anything ''negative'' before that you have already said 3 ''positive'' things so psychologically he has something to fall back on.
If you need anymore help your welcome back of course, let us know if he understood it or not. Would actually love to know the answer to this question myself... :$ (for in the future, Because I don't want my wife to feel like she is stranded other then my in my heat).
Oke Alhamdulilah, Hope I have helped you enough, well actually hope I have been of anyhelp there are so many great people on this website, they gave you all the essential advice you needed!!
Alhamdulilah, May Allah soebhaan wataa'Aalah bless us all and do for us what is best, Ameen.
Salaam waleikum waragmatoelah hibrakatoe.
Hello everyone
Just short and direct advice: many men suffer premature ejaculation or even ejaculate very quickly after they start intercourse. Normally, all men loose interest very quickly after ejaculation and they need a period of nearly half an hour or more to regain interest in sex, and subsequently getting erection again, which itself boost their self esteem while they are with partners.
Regardless of the reasons (age, medical conditions, lack of experience, upbringing.....etc) for poor performance, medicines like Viagra or Cialis are very useful to maintain erection for extended periods of time which improve performance, boost confidence and makes you both enjoy sex longer.
Please don't hesitate to ask for more 'medical' advice.
Hope the situation get better.
salaamu'alaykum wr wb
"my husband wants to make me happy but unfortunately he rarely manages to"
du'aa is your only weapon.many sisters unfortunately dont think about asking Allaah for help in this private affair, they are ashamed of getting up in the last third of the night just to say to Allaah "Oh Allaah, there is no might or movement except by your leave, i beg you make my husband a total lion in our bed, and make him stronger and stronger in passion every time"
there is nothing wrong with asking Allaah such a similar dua.
the prophets of Allaah [saww] would be able to satisfy many many women in one night let alone not manage one.
if your husband likes to mimic the prophets of Allaah, then inform him that prophet saleemaan/sulaimaan [as] would go to 100 women in one night, and the prophet[saww] whilst a fairly old man, would satisfy all his 9 or 11 wives in one night.
SarahL has given the best advice here, while I think some of the others have missed the point. What is required here in not increased stamina, or viagra, or a man who can sleep with 100 women in one night. What is required is communication. Sister ashfar, if you know what you want, then communicate it to your husband. Women need foreplay before intercourse in order to become aroused and lubricated. Most women do not climax from intercourse alone and need other stimulation, including kissing, caressing, and clitoral stimulation. Your husband may not be aware of all this. He may think you are satisfied with the way things are. He won't know any different unless you tell him. They key is that it must be done kindly.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salam All
I think wael is on the money when he posted his comment on October 30, 2011. He said what is needed is communication.
Furthermore what he said was ;
" Women need foreplay before intercourse in order to become aroused and lubricated. Most women do not climax from intercourse alone and need other stimulation, including kissing, caressing, and clitoral stimulation. Your husband may not be aware of all this. He may think you are satisfied with the way things are. He won't know any different unless you tell him. They key is that it must be done kindly "
If a man or a woman are having sexual problems in a marriage then i suggest they communicate, read books on Sexual Etiquette from an Islamic point of view as there are hadiths and books on Islam that deal with topics on sexual relations.
Also i will like to add that being able to please your partner takes time it is like driving, when you first learnt how to drive it was abit tricky but as you learn you will be able to drive without problems, all it does is take time and experience and inshallah everything will be OK.