I can’t seem to compete with the born-Muslims!
Asaalamualaikum,
I try to seek help here because I have a situation which I can't bear, and it makes me sad day after day. I'm a new convert- for more than four months. I pray regularly and make du'a for you all and for our ummah.
What I'm asking for is relating to a Muslim girl I met more than 2 months ago. I just met her near the mosque. She is shy, and we talked only few minutes. But she is so beautiful, so I decided to go to her parents to know her, but they told me she wasn't ready.
A friend of hers told me that she had her birthday the following month. So I bought a present for her, but her father wasn't at home. So when I was coming back, I gave it to her and she was happy and told me that her father didn't tell her I had come to meet her.
Time went by and I met her again by chance, and she gave me her number. She never had someone like me- so many people proposed to her but she denied them. She is a good Muslim and since we talk everyday, we never thought something bad. Our love is growing up, but her father doesn't approve me at all. He brought her a proposal from some born Muslim, but she turned it down. We love to each other, and yet we can't get married . Maybe because I'm not a born Muslim. I ask you to help me.
-ahmed2225
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May be if you were born a Muslim, your chances of marrying that girl increase. Many Muslims prefer to marry their kids (within the family) to cousins or relatives.
If girl likes you there is a possibility she will try to convince her parents.
Salaam brother
I'm dealing with the same situation I've been with this girl for 5years. And now she told me we can't be together because her father will not accept me and it'll hurt the family that she can't be the one that cause her father pain and distroy the family. I've waited for her 5 years we never did anything Haram but I thought we would get married. Im not angry or have hate I'm just sad and depressed. I'm learning to be fluent in Arabic so I could show that I'm not playing any games.
First of all you have to have allah in your heart, fear allah and the day of judgment. Be a good Muslim not just for her but for yourself. Allah will guide you, don't do anything halfway. Just because they are born Muslim doesn't mean anything there's a lot of Muslims that do things halfway. Be patient and pray. Allah will guide you believe in him.
Just do everything right brother learn read and do your prayers because those are your best tools to be with her. That's exactly what I'm doing I'm reading and learning so I could have a fighting chance to show that I am worth her love that I am a good man that will take care of her.
Assalaamualaikam
I can empathise with some of what you're feeling - I've encountered prejudice because of my skin colour and the fact that I'm a revert, and I know of quite a few people who have had similar experiences. It can be very upsetting to feel discriminated against because of something so completely outside of our control. Remember, though, that there are far more Muslims who will welcome you as a brother and wish for you what they wish for themselves - keep having faith in Allah that He will guide us all to be better people.
There may be other concerns that the girl's father has, such as worries about whether you have enough experience in Islam to be the head of a Muslim household yet, or whether you are 100% committed to Islam (he might be worried that you reverted relatively recently). Alhamdulillah, it sounds that you are committed to your deen - praying regularly, attending the mosque... - so these concerns might be able to be addressed by having your imam or a respected member of the community speak with her father on your behalf. That way he can be reassured that you are practising Islam, consistently learning more about your faith, and well on your way to being able to be the head of a Muslim family, inshaAllah.
Remember that relationships between men and women in Islam have different boundaries than relationships between non-Muslims. Islamically, this girl is not your mahram, so you need to ensure your interactions are within appropriate limits (eg. no private chats, cover your awrahs, no physical interactions, etc) - this protects both of you from heartache and from risking sinful activities such as zina. If the two of you have crossed these boundaries, then it's important for you both to repent and to take steps to make sure it doesn't happen again - eg. if you need to meet, make sure someone else is there.
Keep making dua, pray istikhara for guidance (it might help to read the information on this website to learn more about istikhara), and trust that Allah has a plan for you.
May Allah help and ease the burdens of all our brothers and sisters who are experiencing prejudice and discrimination.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
Assalam alaikum Brother,
Congratulations on accepting Islam, maa shaa Allah!!
Brother, don't give up so easily. I would suggest that you do not continue talking in private with the girl, as this is not allowed in Islam and instead put all your efforts into meeting and talking to her father.
Is it possible for you to pray in the Mosque he prays in? Is there any one that could be a mediator between the both of you? You have become Muslim in just the last few months - I believe it is important to give time to the father so that he can see that you are genuine in your intention and will indeed prove to be a good husband.
Of all things that we have in our lives, most of the time we cherish mostly what we had to work very hard for as opposed to the things that we go very easily--so if you have to work extra hard to be married to this girl, don't be disheartened after rejection, simply change your plan of action.
May Allah ease your difficulties, Ameen.
1- you are in the right way never doubt about it. And don't let a father (most likely illiterate Muslim) prevent you (two) to be happy.
When you love a girl (Muslim girl) and respect boundaries of Allah, Allah be with you without any doubt.
About father's illiterate reaction I hope he regrets it and understand that he is wrong, in time. to help the father understand his mistake ask him these questions
1- if Hz. Omer (bin hattab) (2. halife of our Prophet) asked you to have permission for being married with your doughter would you reject him because he was born enemy of islam before he converted?
2- When a Muslim borns in a Muslim family he willingly or unwillingly accepts İslam and some of them even reject it with their beheviours while they say "we are Muslims". I know million of born Muslims ready to go to hell because of their unislamic behaviours.
Meanwhile you accepted İslam willingly this is a very big proof that you are true Muslim.
What does that man expect more?
if there is another problem which you didn't mention in here I don't know.
You said she is a 'Good Muslim', but she met you near the mosque, accepted gift from you, gave you her number and is talking to you everyday, Subhan-Allah. ' Good Muslims' girls don't behave like this, dating & boyfriend-girlfriend relations are not allowed in Islam.
Her father has all the rights to reject your proposal without giving a reason, please cut contacts with her and be a ' Good Muslims' .
Quota:
Subhan-Allah. Good Muslims' girls don't behave like this, dating & boyfriend-girlfriend relations are not allowed in Islam.
What if She realized that this boy is good one and have good intention and because she also liked him and wanted to give him a chance?
What is wrong with it? I really don't understand your strict reactions against good intentioned boy-girl relations.
if those 2, had bad intentions they would be together in an abandoned place right now, instead of getting bad advices (like braking up!) from you.
Boyfriend-Girlfriend relations are haram in Islam period,her father is her wali, if he has said no to the boys proposal, then what is the point for both to keep contact.
A marriage of female is not valid without her fathers consent in Islam, another period.
Hz. İbrahim's father forbid him to believe in Allah while he is under 18.
Did he obey him?
Her fathers opinion means nothing if it is wrong. The art of humanity is, explaining it to father without breaking his heart.
Hz. İbrahim's father was asking him to do shirk and hence he disobeyed.
Marriage is not permissible and is not valid except with a wali, according to the majority of scholars, because of the words of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him): “There is no marriage without a wali.” Narrated by Abu Dawood (2085), al-Tirmidhi (1101) and Ibn Majaah (1881) from the hadeeth of Abu Moosa al-Ash’ari; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi.
And he (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “There is no marriage except with a wali and two witnesses of good character.” Narrated by al-Bayhaqi from the hadeeth of ‘Imraan and ‘Aa’ishah; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami’ 7557.
And he (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Any woman who gets married without the permission of her guardian, her marriage is invalid, her marriage is invalid, her marriage is invalid. But if the marriage is consummated then the mahr is hers because she has allowed him to be intimate with her. If they dispute, then the ruler is the guardian of the one who has no guardian.” Narrated by Ahmad (24417), Abu Dawood (2083) and al-Tirmidhi (1102); classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami’ no. 2709.
The woman’s guardian is her father; then her paternal grandfathers, no matter how far the line of ascent reaches; then her son and his sons, no matter how far the line of descent reaches (this applies if she has a son); then her (full) brother through her father and mother; then her (half) brother through her father only; then their sons, no matter how far the line of descent reaches; then her paternal uncles; then their children, no matter how far the line of descent reaches; then the father’s paternal uncles; then the ruler. (al-Mughni 9/355).
But if the wali repeatedly refuses the proposal of a compatible suitor, he is to be regarded as preventing the marriage of the female relative under his care, and his guardianship is thus rendered null and void, and that right is transferred to the next closest relative on the father’s side.
http://islamqa.info/en/95405
AOA,
MashaAllah on reverting to Islam.
I recommend taking heed of the advice of MidnightMoon, Passerby and Saba. Based on you reverting only recently you should respect the father's wishes, as perhaps he meant you weren't ready.
As for this girl, you were attracted to her beauty and she has gone out of her way to forge a connection with you by giving you her number. For someone so shy, she sure is pretty forward. Are you supposed to be honoured because she has overlooked people of her own ethnicity in favour of you? Sounds like she's loving the novelty and attention. I agree that her 'Good girl' status is highly questionable.
You must cease all contact as it is completely inappropriate. You are new to Islam and have a long way to go, you must not allow this to corrupt your journey to the Straight Path. See this as your first trial although it is good that you have sought advice. Sometimes when we seek advice, it may be that we already know the answer or else are looking for someone out there to sanction our desires.
We cannot imitate the kuffar and get all romantic in a haram setting. Romance only blossoms in a halal union. It is lust not love as love is only experienced when you share a life in a halal marriage with it's ups and downs.
If you continue to pursue this matter, then it will lead to disaster. You will get hurt, it will inevitably lead to haram relations and you will have proven the dad right in his original decision. If you are serious and if she is too, then you will cease contact and concentrate on your faith. Make acquaintances with brothers instead.
You should not feel inferior to born muslims. What you see in the outside is usually not what is on the inside. Allah swt will not judge you based on whether you were a born muslim or not. And in no way should you feel being a revert is depriving you of anything. You dont know what Allah swt has planned for you. Maybe this girl is not right for you. She might be a good person but maybe not for you. If she was meant for you then Allah swt will make a way for you to marry her. So far this relationship with her is not halal. You should not be talking to her. If you want to marry her ask her father and convince him that you are a good muslim and that you will take good care of his daughter. All a father wants is whats best for his child. So try to convince him and if he rejects ask him to give you a proper reason for his decision as a muslim he cannot say its because you are a revert. And meantime pray a lot that Allah swt gives you a righteous wife. If you dont end up with this girl have patience and believe im Allah swt.
Dating is not haram as long as you treat this girl and her father well 🙂 brother congrats on converting so many girls would like a convert muslim nowadays bc born Muslims are just disgusting these days . Don't lose heart keep fighting for her ,keep convincing her father keep fighting 🙂
What is your evidence for this statement?
So when revert Muslims have children, their children will be disgusting because they are born Muslims? I think not.