Confused about inner changes drawing me to purdah
Salaam and Ramadan Mubarak to all.
I'm a 25 year old Muslim female, belonging to a moderate family. I have always been moderate in my religious beliefs as well, as in I've always dressed modestly and comfortably but never covered my head.
All my life, I've mostly seen this trend among ladies in society, that they cover their head 'fashionably' with a dupatta or scarf, but half of their hair is showing OR that ladies wear dupatta or scarf but take a 'vacation' from it on weddings and parties. Such observations normally filled me with disdain and I used to feel that it is better not to observe pardah at all if you can't sustain it properly.
Recently though, I underwent a very bad experience in my life, the aftermath of which brought me closer to Allah and my deen. I realized that Allah is the sole provider of comfort and mental peace. I have started to pray regularly, recite the Quran with translation and generally try to do dhikr a lot. It really helped me a lot in taking me out of my depression and normalizing my state of mind.
Now for some time, I have been having thoughts of starting purdah. Like before, I used to go out comfortably in short sleeved kameez but now for some reason I just feel more comfortable in long sleeves. And now I want to cover my head, but the reason I'm not starting is I have doubts about my ability to sustain it. As in, all my life people have seen me in shalwar kameez without dupatta on my head, and even in jeans and long shirts. I am scared they might make fun of me or call me a hypocrite.
Also I fear that I am turning towards this step as a source of escape from my bad experience, rather than an actual desire to cover up. I don't want to start covering my head as an 'experiment' and then leave it after some time or not do it properly because that would make me feel extremely insincere with Allah. I talked it over with my mother and my sister who suggested that I should wait till I get married, and then take this step if I still feel the same way about it.
I don't know. At this point in my life, I am extremely mentally unstable, quite depressed and anxious 24/7. As a result I am feeling a huge need to improve my relations with Allah in every aspect but at the same time I don't want to start some thing I can't sustain, as purdah for me is a huge thing, not to be taken lightly as some kind of a fad. I need some advice and suggestions about what I should do now.
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