Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Dad is making Mom physically ill

If a young man honors an elderly on account of his age, Allah appoints someone to honor him in his old age." (At-Tirmidhi)

assalaamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh to my brothers and sisters in Islam,

It's extremely difficult for me to write this, but I feel that I must push myself to do so because Allahu a'lam what I may have to be dealing with in my life soon. All I have right now is hope in my heart that Allah will somehow make the turn of events in my life such that will ease my heart.

I have been learning to battle depression/dysthymia (I haven't been diagnosed since I did not go to a doctor, but I'm sure I've been through at least either one). I've been getting much better after some years now since I've taken several different measures to cope with it, alhamdulillah. However, I currently have to deal with another ordeal in my life that is causing me so much stress. It's been several months now that I usually have upper back pain, chest pain,and/or shoulder pain (especially on left side). My mom also complains at times about upper back pain and chest pain on the left side.

The cause? (Yeah, it's taking me forever to get to my point because it's just so hard to talk about it).Well, here it is: my mom strongly believes that my dad is cheating on her. My mom had been telling me for months about women's numbers on my dad's phone and that he has been acting differently, but I kept telling her to not worry about it because it just may be some women at some hospital or something.

Knowing that my dad previously tried marrying someone else about two decades ago, I kept telling her that she is only making such assumptions about him due to that incident. She is scared of him repeating the same mental torture, but he may also have learned from his mistakes (that lady left him after finding out that he was married with kids). So my mom had been worrying about the issue for a good number of months. But some time ago, mom became suspicious of his text messages, especially since he received some at night. I personally did my best to not assume anything without solid evidence.

On one instance, my mom happened to be near my dad's phone when he received a text message so she tried to read it, but had difficulty doing so because it was too tiny for her to read the whole text (which, she said, was long and started with, "I'm sorry"). The person's name was a female name, but she may possibly have misread it because her English isn't fluent and she didn't get much time to look at it since my dad got angry and kept saying, "Give it to me" and "Is it your phone or mine? Just give it to me".

That moment is when I suspected him. On top of all that, mom saw him read it and DELETE it right away. Why did he have to do that? Dad began speaking in a loud tone and tried to act like nothing happened and kept asking, "Did you guys eat?" (something he didn't ask in a long time). Mom became really upset and emotional. She told him that she sees him doing things behind her back and in front of her he shouldn't be doing; he needs to stop for the sake of their kids' future and not humiliate himself in front of everyone. He got upset and looked pale for what may have been at least a quarter of an hour.

I tried to quell the situation and just tell them that no one is doing anything wrong and they're just misunderstanding each other, etc. Dad said something like, "I swear I just went to work today and came home. I didn't go anywhere" and some other things I didn't want to bother remembering. Mom kept telling me afterwards that he only said "today", so what about all the other days when he comes home really late?

I know all I've mentioned so far may not sound convincing at all, but my point is: there's a great chance (also based on other things I have not mentioned) that he is up to something with some woman out there. In fact, things may have gone really bad. My mom is convinced about it, especially from the way she's seen him acting around some women and the fact that he's been quite withdrawn for almost a year. She also thinks that my relatives giving him taweez every now and then makes him worse, too.

Right now, my parents don't say much to each other, but I'm scared as to what will happen. My parents had a forced marriage and neither were happy with it. I have grown up seeing my mom physically and emotionally abused by my dad and her in-laws. Although my dad stopped physically abusing her for the most part for several years now, he is still verbally and emotionally abusing. My mom has been through so much torture at so many people's hands, but I continue to admire her strength.

When I mention divorce to her, she tells me that she just can't go through it because 1. Family and dad will ruin her honor; 2. She is scared for her kids' future; 3. Dad will most likely blame her (and not himself for his actions) for not being a good wife (which she has been!!!). She talked to her brother about it, but doesn't have many other relatives she can trust.

Dad seems to be going through a bunch of issues (the biggest of them being in the Deen). He says that he thinks he doesn't have a wife, children (I don't know what more he expects from us), or siblings, etc. He hates everyone so much and probably feels that no one has acknowledged any of his efforts for them throughout his life. I personally don't know what to do at the moment or in case my dad tells my mom that he's getting/has gotten married to some other woman and is going to divorce her.

The worst case scenario would be forcing us to go back to my country where I do not want to go because that will simply mean a horrible future for me, mom, and siblings. I currently do not work because I am a student, but am trying my best to study and do volunteer activities which will help me to get a job some time in the future, in-sha-Allah (dad's the "bread-winner"). Is there a way I can get help from some organization or the government in case any of the previously mentioned scenarios take effect? I just really want to take as many precautions as I can and be prepared for anything that may happen. I would greatly appreciate it if you can give me advice on this matter. jazaakumAllahu khairan for your time and desire to help.

-BrokenSoulBrokenHeart


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8 Responses »

  1. I can see how your dad has made his own family a dysfunctional family. Most likely your problems are because of your bad childhood and nothing good going on with the family. Talking to a psychologist may help you. Your dad is most likely very unhappy and insecure person, looking for happiness in other women.

    You should go to a doctor and follow his advice. Don't try to self diagnose your symptoms. Your symptoms very will could be due extreme stress.

    • JazaakumAllah khair 🙂 .
      Alhamdulillah after trying for about a couple of years to overcome depression through various means, I have come a long way.
      You're most likely right about why my dad would act that way. Things were really tense at that time, but eventually, my dad apologized to my mom so it got better. But nothing lasts forever, especially not in a house where there's domestic violence. I don't think my mom will ever truly trust my dad because of everything she's been through with him.

      I wrote another post recently: http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/?p=93106&preview=true

  2. Read carefully,
    Very well defined. I must say. Sister/Brother. You are being tested. And masha'Allaah you knew that Allaah Is Testing you. So, be it like this Okay. Your financial condition is not good. As I can see from the post. If going back to your country makes things worse then "no" there would be "ways" much better than that insha'Allaah. Your father's issue with the religious commitments are obvious. I think he pretends to be a practicing Muslim, unknowingly. Because of lack of understanding and his age, he is egoistic. But things will change insha'Allaah. I suggest you to pray Allaah (subhanahu wa ta'ala). And He (Allaah subhanahu wa ta'ala) Is the Only One Who Can Help you in that regard. Please see and do the following action every night and do recite with understanding (translation).

    It was narrated from Abu Hurayrah that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “There is a soorah of the Qur’aan containing thirty verses which have interceded for a man until he was forgiven. It is the soorah Tabaarak alladhi bi yadihi’l-mulk.”

    Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 2891; Ahmad, 7634; Abu Dawood, 1400; Ibn Maajah, 3786. This hadeeth was classed as hasan by al-Tirmidhi and by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi, 3/6.

    Another hadeeth which speaks of its virtues was narrated from Jaabir, that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) never used to sleep until he had recited Alif-laam-meem tanzeel [al-Sajdah] and Tabaarak alladhi bi yadihi’l-mulk [al-Mulk].

    Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 2892; Ahmad, 14249. Al-Albaani said in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi (3/6) that this hadeeth is saheeh.

    Allaah Knows the Best!

  3. asslamoalikum
    my sister plz read qursn as brother masood also advised its gonna bring inshallah every thing will fine. when ur father entered house just read 4. qul and aytul kursi and blow on him as he leave house do same. Ask ur mother to read in her heart YA-Wadood (Allah name ) it creates love between husband and wife.May Allah subhan tala makes thing easy for ur family and ur parents lives happily together amin

  4. Assalaamualaikam

    It might help for your mum and dad to go for counselling, either together or individually, as this might help them communicate more fully. It sounds as though there is a lot of anger and resentment in the household, so free and honest communication in a supportive environment might help your parents understand each other better and have a clearer idea of what they want to do about their relationship.

    I'd recommend that you speak with a doctor about your own symptoms and distress, too. If you are experiencing depression or dysthymia, then your doctor can give you information about treatment and support options, including talking therapies, support groups, medications, etc. As well as helping yourself to recover, getting the right treatment and support will mean you're more able to look after your mum and siblings.

    As you're a student, it might help to speak to your tutor or head of year about the difficulties you're facing and the worries you have about the future. They may well be able to tell you about financial supports available from your college or university (bursaries, scholarships, grants - but make sure any financial arrangement isn't haraam). They may also be able to give you extra support with your studies if, for example, you want to take some time out of your studies to support your mum. There may also be a student health service, which might be able to help if it's difficult for you to speak to your own doctor.

    Depending on the country you're in, there are different supports available from the government/state. If you need information about financial support, the place to start would be your local Social Services or Welfare Department (they have different names in different places, though) - they can then tell you about the options available. Again, though, make sure any arrangements aren't haraam before you go ahead with them - if you need someone to look over the financial side of things, make sure that the person you ask knows about Islamic financial guidance.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

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