My daughter wants to get married! I do not approve.
There is no place for racism in Islam
This is my first time posting, and I need some advice.
I have a daughter. She is 21 years of age, she is in a relationship with a black man, and they have been dating for a year now. She goes out with him and spends time with him. I did not find out until recently, and I do not approve as he is not from our cultural background.
My daughter is already losing her identity, going out late, and spending time with him. She wears the hijab but doesn't pray, and takes it of for him. She is changing and losing our values. Yes, he is Muslim, but tomorrow when she gets married my concern is that she will adapt to his culture and his ways.
What can I do, as she plans to get married to him? I don't approve of this. We are constantly fighting, she is not listening to me, and doesn't respect me. I do not approve of this marriage, so am I allowed to do this in Islam?
Thank you. Any advice would be great- personal experience and stories are all welcome.
-there90
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As alaikum alaikum there90
I understand sister your fear of all your child losing their imaan as muslims we try so hard and with good intention to show our children the straight path...however she is an adult. We cant force them to do anything as many will rebel whem there is force. Our intention is what matters and this is her life and she has to br concerned primarily with the akhira...not you. Do we want our children to wear hijaab amd pray when their heart isnt there? No I dont. She has to believe it..as their is no compulsion in religion amdwhe she is ready sje will again inshallah.
Excuse the brother as he isnt forcing her to do anything and she has her own independent mind. A strong mind will never go astray no matter what anyone says..so she has...inshallah she will be the best muslim she can be and not what you want her to be.
as far as the *black* brother..are you upset bcos you love your culture more than Islam or that having a black face in your family will smear it's image? I say this as a african married to a lebanese... you dont know our culture I'm assuming and taqwa and imaan should bear the weight in which he is a marriageable brother..not a black face are not as bad as what a majority think. So do you love islam or your culture?
There are examples of white and black marriages in the holy books as our rasul saws didnt discriminate so how can you?
We are black but our hearts arent.. relax your daughter has her own journey not yours. She has to find her way..you have raised her well now she has to go on.
Ayat
Salam Sister,
I understand how tough it may be for you to accept this situation, mostly for the fact that your daughter is pushing away from the Deen. May Allah guide her on the right path and bless her with a husband who will bring her towards Him and not away. Not for this dilemma, I am in the same position your daughter is as I have married someone who is not from my culture and is a convert. My parents would NOT support it due to the fact that my husband is a convert and not Arab. However, I chose to get married because I did not want to stay in a haram relationship. Even though I was not 100% religious when I met him, we both became very religious over the past 2 years of our marriage.
If you don't want to lose your daughter, don't impose whom she can and cannot marry... especially if he is a Muslim and practicing. Now, if he drinks and participates in haram then that is a different story. Because listen sister, you and your daughter may not have the same mentality as you do. It is harder to keep close to the Deen these days with all these temptations, this is why Islam promotes early marriage to complete half the Deen. If you coldly tell her no, she will continue to date him, which is haram and you don't want that burden. By blessing them with a marriage maybe Allah will bring them both closer to Him and you. I would suggest you sit down with your daughter, explain to her your issues.. please DO NOT bring up the fact that he is 'black' because sister you know that there is no superiority of race in Islam, this is haram. Do not judge this brother by the culture or color of his skin. If he can take care of your daughter, love her unconditionally and bring her closer to the deen I do not see a problem with letting her getting married. You would much rather have her married in her home than out with different men in haram situations. Why don't you try speaking with this brother amd personally tell him you are concerned for your daughter and want her to be closer to the Deen... this may help him open his eyes and guide her?
As Muslims, we need to bring the Ummah closer, not separate it with culture and tribalism. It may be difficult to understand and accept this but just know whatever Allah has ordained no one can change. If this man is written to be your daughter's husband, accept it and Allah will bless you all.
It is unfortunate that she is dating him, but you should be grateful she has found a Muslim man to marry. I assume you live in North America or the U.K.? It is very hard for Muslim women to find Muslim men to marry, unless they use the immigration process to sponsor a husband from abroad.
Be grateful you will have a Muslim son-in-law. Islam has no time for variances in skin colour -- learn to accept that.
Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh
I agree, it is unfair to impose the restriction on skin color when Allah has not imposed such a restriction. SubhanAllah, akhi you are making life difficult for people. When two Muslims fall in love and want to marry, in this age of zina and liwat why would you prevent them? Maybe they are flawed but considering that your daughter is lacking prayer and you are concerned about losing your culture! Your culture is an artificial construct and what lasts forever is the deen.
However, a legitimate concern is that this man influences the daughter to take of the hijab.
I also think this pertinent-you must encourage your daughter to pray five times a day, whatever she does. There is a Quran ayah which Nouman Ali Khan explained in Surah Maryam about people who wasted the salah and followed their strong desires. They were on their way to leaving Islam!!!!
And the numerous hadith and narrations from the Sahaba and the Salaf make it clear that the majority opinion of the first generations is that abandoning salah is disbelief.
So this is your greatest concern-after that comes her lack of respect to you, zina and least of your concerns is this mans skin color and culture!!!
Salaam sis.I think the first thing you need to do is to get a background check on this guy, without letting him or your daughter know.I think the main concern here should be, whether his feelings for your daughter are genuine or not, whether he is serious about marrying her, or is just playing with her feelings and having a good time.Rather than the race of this guy.Try and find out more about his family, and his repute in the community.If , God forbid, they are unsavoury, then you should not waste anytime in getting your daughter out of his clutches, rather then letting her become an unfortunate victim.Even if you have to put harsh restraints on her.She will be rebellious for a bit, but when you present her with clear, sound logic as to why you are doing this, with time she will come around, insha'Allah and thank her mother one day for saving her.
IF,however,his family and repute are good and you find out no bad about him, then please try to overlook the cultural part, as well as the color of his skin.These things have no Islamic value, rather are demeaning a religion that frowns on snobbery of all kind, and judges people solely on their deeds and character.Would you rather your daughter marry a person of the same race but to whom she is not mentally compatible with, and be miserable for the rest of her life, just to appease the social pressure her mother is feeling?or would you want her to be married to a good man of the same religion who she loves, whose only fault isthat he is black and of a different culture?However,your concern about one thing is right, one thing is certain: this 'dating' thing needs to end.Either these two should be in a halal relationship, or no relationship at all.If his reputation does turn out to be sound, then ask him to involve his family and marry your daughter as soon as possible, or atleast do a nikkah, if living together is not feasible at the moment.Then, no one need worry about her going out with him and coming back late, as she will be with her husband.And if this guy truly loves your daughter, he will give her due respect and make her his wife asap.If not, then its better it happen sooner than later, so your daughter may get over it sooner, realize her mistake, repent, and get on with her life.
Sir,
I can understand your concern as father and its really unfortunate that she inspite of being a Muslim has got into dating thing.
To my best knowledge and understanding, Islam does not prohibit marriage based on cultural differences. Only thing matters is faith. Islam is more important than culture or traditions, cultural differences should not become barriers to marriage. Today, we are living in an increasingly global community thus such marriage seems inevitable. It brings a relief (though temporary) that she is willing to marry a Muslim only. Having said that, what concerns is that as mentioned by you that he seems to be a Muslim only in name and seems does not pray or does not practice Islam
I think the more you argue or fight with her over this, the far she will go from you and would not pay any attention to your genuine concerns. if you push her too much, she might elope or do court marriage( i am sorry if i hurt you , i am saying what i have seen around). So you need to deal with this issue in a cool and calm manner.
Sit with daughter and tell her that you are not against the marriage but detail her about your concern. Tell her everything in the light of Islam & the practical difficulties she might have to face marrying in different culture. Please do not lose patience during this all. If you tell her in such way, she will definitely give it a thought.
i would recommend that you should meet up the guy and his family as well so learn about him and his family. with this you will win trust of your daughter that you are not against her marriage. she, then, might value to your words and concern. I hope you are getting what i am trying to say.
Try it out and it might change the situation for better.
AsSalaamu Alaikum
I think if you continue to get angry, your daughter will continue to meet this brother in secret, and Shaitaan might make them commit major sins. So I think you should invite the brother to your home, talk to him and find out about his commitment to Allah, if it turned out to be that he is a good Muslim, advise him to only meet your daughter in your home when you are around. This will help both your daughter and him to manage this courtship in a halal way, which will not invite temptations of Shaitaan Insha’Allah. He might be a good Muslim, and he might be thinking of approaching you in person, but your daughter knows you won’t approve of him, and therefore that is why he keeps on meeting her outside.
Also, you should know that racism is haraam in Islam, so you shouldn’t make that (black skin) as an excuse of your disapproving.
The Prophet (s.a.w.s) has said: "O people, Remember that your Lord is One. An Arab has no superiority over a non-Arab nor does a non-Arab have any superiority over an Arab; also, a black has no superiority over a white, nor does a white have any superiority over a black, except by virtue of piety (Taqwa). Indeed the best among you is the one with the best character (Taqwa) (Baihaqi) He further said: You are in no way better than (an individual with) a red or black complexion, except if you are able to surpass him in piety. (Miskhat)"
As to their cultural differences, if they both agree that they could learn and cope with each other, I don’t think you should stop them their choices. Just allow them to be married to each other, and you pray for them at the same time- Allah will bless their marriage.
Also, know that Islam gives your daughter every right to marry whomever she wishes provided the person is a practicing Muslim. You could only advise, pray and guide her in a nice way, but Islam does not give you the right to deny her the approval for unreligious reason/s. So find out more about the brother (with your good heart), and then if you findout that, he is not a Muslim or not a practicing Muslim who tries his best to follow the teachings of Islam, then you have every right to deny her the approval, and your daughter will be wrong if she married him in this case.
Hope this helps Insha'Allah
AsSalaam Alaikum,
Your daughter is at risk. If she has been dating this young man for a year without you knowing, and takes her hijab off for him, then the risk is high. I think you have two choices. Your first option is to continue to fight a losing battle in defense of your culture and race (It sounds as if you are not losing, but have lost that battle). Your second option is to begin the only fight that matters and that is the fight to keep your daughter on the path of Islam.
My advice is that you support the marriage. Even try to rush the marriage. Leave the door wide open for the man to act in an honorable way. Then both you and your daughter can witness whether his intentions are good. If they marry, then support the young couple and teach them both Islam. Help to strengthen their union and the household your grandchildren will grow up in. Love him for the sake of Allah. They and their children will all love and honor you.
If you sincerely show your daughter that you want what is best for her, and that is for her to live in the Islamic way, and you support their marriage, but the man stalls or resists, then his intention not to honor your daughter's dignity will be revealed. She will only lose the man who had ill will toward her, but she will still have at her side, her Islamic family who are ready to guide and protect her going forward, until she is married successfully.
My advice is not to try and trick your daughter. My advice is to realize what your true fight is as a parent of a Muslim child. Pray to Allah to strengthen you in your responsibility, and to soften your heart towards all true Muslims. Try to change, for the sake of Allah. Put yourself in a good position when you pray to Allah that He have Mercy on the soul of your daughter.
Salaamu Alaikum
Brother,
First off...as a parent of three daughters myself, my heart truly goes out to you. To find out that your daughter is seeing this guy behind your back must be devastating. Try as we might to do our best and raise our children the very best that we can, these things do happen but that in no way makes it okay. The reality is, you are her father and you have every right to either accept the fact that your daughter wants to marry this guy or not. She has totally disrespected you, your family and your values and continues to do so on a daily basis.
Irregardless of the color of this mans skin, he is not a good Muslim because if he was, he would not be creeping around with your daughter. Your daughter is no better than him because she goes out at night to see him and only God knows if the two of them are intimate with one another.
You just need to do what it is that you feel you need to do. You don't have to accept what is going on and you can make it clear to her that should she marry this man, she is on her own and she is responsible for her decision in this. You are her father, you are to be respected and held in high regard. For me personally, she has brought shame on the family and continues to do so daily. I can only pray that I never know the pain that you are experiencing right now. I would be crushed. May Allah guide you throughout this situation you find yourself in.
Salam
"You don't have to accept what is going on and you can make it clear to her that should she marry this man, she is on her own and she is responsible for her decision in this".
I think this would be a very, very harsh response. To alienate your child because they are marrying someone you disapprove of - where is the love and support in this situation?
If you wanted a practicing daughter, you should have taught her the values you follow. This has not happened, but amazingly enough she has met a muslim man and now wishes to marry him. I must emphasize that you should be grateful, and here is a great opportunity for you to extend your loving arms to your daughter and son in law. What do you prefer, let her run around with this guy then leave him -- why would she treat it like a dalliance, like a flirtation? She is obviously serious about him and he is serious about her.
Cutting off ties with her because of her marriage to a muslim -- Istaghfirullah that is just so harsh and cruel, and I don't know why muslim parents do this so readily. Allah SWT has given you progeny -- if you failed in instilling certain values in them then live with the consequences. Your daughter is an adult now. She is no longer your naughty little girl that you can send to her room if she misbehaves.
Salam,
Harsh or not, those are my own personal views. I would never tolerate any of my daughters going out at night and creeping around with any man irregardless of color. They were born and raised in the U.S. and I have done the very best I can to raise them to the best of my ability. I know that no matter what I do as a mother, the very same could happen to me but that doesn't mean I have to accept it. I wouldn't.
No love and support would come from me for any daughter of mine who has no respect for her family nor herself if she chooses to go against her deen. My daughters are practicing too but it doesn't mean that they can not be led astray by the shaitan just as this sister has. You can teach your children all you want when it comes to values but the reality is, this can happen to anyone. Does that mean I have to accept it...no...no I do not.
You said, "Allah SWT has given you progeny -- if you failed in instilling certain values in them then live with the consequences. The reality is, you can instill values in your children till the cows come home but if they choose to go against the teachings of Islam or their parents, that is a choice that they have made on their own and they will be accountable for it.
I would imagine this sisters parents have raised their daughter and given her everything they could with her father working very hard over the years to support her. How does she thank him...by creeping around with some Muslim guy behind his back. The fact that she is an adult she should know that her actions by Islamic standards is not acceptable.
You are absolutely right...she is no longer a little girl, she is a woman who knows better and doesn't care about anyone right now but herself. I can only hope for her sake that this guy doesn't use her and spit her out when he is done which quite often is the case. There is an old saying, "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" May Allah help this father and his family in which I am certain is a very difficult time.
Salam
I think there are 2 distinct issues here, but they are getting blurred. One is the parent's displeasure at her conduct, which you have the right to express and like you said you have a right not to accept her behaviour. The second is her marriage. You can't punish her for issue #1 by refusing to support her marriage. It would be far worse for her to keep seeing this guy without marriage -- instead, they want to make their relationship halal. As to the past, it becomes an issue between her and Allah. I often wondered why some people embraced Islam so readily even without immersing themselves in all doctrinal concepts, and I now truly believe it has everything to do with being embraced by a community and a family. This couple may become more virtuous if they are embraced by loving Muslim parents. It would be like a fresh start for them.
Anyway, truthfully my parents would feel the same way as you in regards to their daughter (me) -- not that I've ever done something like this -- but have had a lot more leeway with my brothers. Basically my brother could date etc and my parents were not happy about it -- until he decided to marry her, at which point there was great fanfare.
Najah: :I would imagine this sisters parents have raised their daughter and given her everything they could with her father working very hard over the years to support her. How does she thank him...by creeping around with some Muslim guy behind his back. The fact that she is an adult she should know that her actions by Islamic standards is not acceptable.
OP is more concerned about the guy being black and from a different culture.
Assalaamualaikam
Racial and cultural differences aren't Islamically valid reasons to refuse a marriage to someone of good deen and character; The Prophet himself (peace be upon him) emphasised that we should concern ourselves with faith rather than race, and it is written in the Quran that we should not dislike people based on their race (as is shown in the picture accompanying the post).
Rather than fearing diversity, we should celebrate as more people from all backgrounds come to Islam, and embrace our similarities and our differences.
However, there are concerns about this man's character if he has been in a pre-marital relationship with your daughter - it might be worth finding out about his reputation, and getting to know him as a person - he may be of questionable character, or he may be a genuine man who for some reason has not been aware of how to approach marriage and interactions with women (if he is a recent revert, for example, he may not have learned this yet, or may not be aware of how important it is) - inshaAllah you should be able to tell his intentions through his interactions with you (or your husband, if you are a sister).
Rather than fighting with your daughter over this (which risks pushing her away), try to rebuild connections and encourage her to join you for prayers. If she is taking off her hijab, maybe ask her why she feels she needs to do this ... possible reasons might include peer pressure, low self-esteem, feeling a need to display her beauty in order to keep this man interested in her, a crisis of faith, feeling afraid ... once you know her reasons for it, you can work with her to explore these and inshaAllah encourage her to wear hijab again.
In the meantime, pray to Allah and ask Him to guide your daughter to what is best for her in this life and the next.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
AsSalaamu Alaikum,
Is there any way I could send a private question to the respected Editors of this site (brother wael in particular)? Is it the wael@? I sent a message to that email but I am not sure if it's a no response email address or not.
Jazaakumullahu Khairan
pray to god to give her death before you see more such kind of bad things and alway make tobba for your own signs in your past life
however, god will help u inshahallha
Farooq, your comment is foolish and ugly. He should pray for death for his own daughter? Astaghfirullah. No, instead he should pray for guidance for her, continue to love her, and hope for her to return to a good practice of Islam, Insha'Allah.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Farooq Malik: pray to god to give her death before you see more such kind of bad things and alway make tobba for your own signs in your past life. however, god will help u inshahallha
Would you ask a father to do the same if his SON was dating a Black Muslim woman?
I am sure most people will think differently if it was a Muslim man dating some Muslim woman from a different culture? Most families won't even bother unless the guy wants to marry that woman.
Assalaamualaikam
That is a horrific thing to say!!! I would urge you to study how The Prophet (peace be upon him) loved and protected his wives and daughters - strive to follow his example rather than perpetuating hate and misogyny.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
OP: She is 21 years of age, she is in a relationship with a black man, and they have been dating for a year now. She goes out with him and spends time with him. I did not find out until recently, and I do not approve as he is not from our cultural background.
I guess it would have been OK if your daughter was seeing a WHITE man?